Chapter Fifty-One: Offset
The clouds hung low that day and the rain was slowly soaking his body. Even though it was December, it was unusually dark outside. The sun had no chance of bringing any kind of light towards the ground and that was why everyone was still having their lights turned on at 10 a.m. And that was the reason he knew she was already up. Or maybe she was still up. He couldn't be sure.
He watched the house from a safe distance. Every ounce of his body was speaking to him to go inside, to go to her. But there he was, still standing in the morning rain, trying to get himself together. The lack of sleep was starting to present itself to him as he was waiting for his courage to come back out of hiding.
That was what she did to him. She made him weak and vulnerable. And she made him foolish. Like last night. He was a fool for saying things. For thinking them. But he couldn't help himself. He had only spoken the truth. Now, all he could hope for was that she would listen to him one more time. And believe him. Otherwise, that might be it.
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"No, you don't."
Bonnie looked at him with wide eyes. No, you don't? What kind of reaction was that? Out of all the possible outcomes of her confession, she hadn't anticipated this. Bonnie kept her sight on Kai's upright position, trying to make sense of the situation.
"What-. What is that supposed to mean?", she finally got out.
Kai was avoiding her gaze, looking down at a spot on the blanket. He seemed a little uncomfortable, a reaction she would have understood but the rest of his body was completely guarded, like there was nothing happening inside of him.
"It means, that you are wrong." Kai's voice was void of any emotions. He turned around and sat at the edge of the bed, facing her with his back. His inability to have a decent conversation about her emotions- their emotions- and his lack of willingness to explain himself, made Bonnie angry.
"Don't do that. Don't turn your back on me. Not now." She sat up and grabbed his shoulder, forcing him to turn around to her.
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He felt her gaze on his face. She was waiting patiently for him to wake up but he had already planned this day to go differently. As much as he would like to wrap her up in his arms, place kisses all over her face and whisper a 'happy birthday' to her ear, he wouldn't do that. Maybe his plan was a bit wicked but for the surprise to go the right way she had to get the whole package.
So, Kai pretended to be asleep. He knew that Bonnie wouldn't dare wake him, since it wasn't often that Kai actually did sleep this long. He felt her body getting closer to his and her head being placed on his chest. Good, the more she tried to get him to wake up the more he would fight her.
When she started kissing his jaw, Kai used the moment to let out a groan and turn on his side, facing her with his back. Bonnie didn't move for a few seconds. Kai could only imagine her dumbstruck expression and had to fight a grin from forming on his face. After all, he was supposed to be asleep.
It didn't take too long and Bonnie emerged from the bed and disappeared out of the room. Kai sighed and turned back onto his back. He took out his phone and checked his texts. There was one from Elena telling him that both Caroline and her would have their phones on flight mode now, indicating him that they were already in the air.
He checked the time again and went through his plan. He would have more time to actually spend with Bonnie before he would need to find an excuse and leave to get Caroline and Elena from the Airport. Slowly, he got up and got dressed. He made a quick detour to brush his teeth before he went downstairs and greeted the birthday girl. On his way downstairs, he made sure to put up his best pokerface. Bonnie couldn't suspect anything.
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Kai's and Bonnie's eyes met instantly, and Bonnie could see a reaction in his now. It was hard to read but Bonnie could see fear, regret and sadness in them. She hated herself for feeling bad for him already, because she had every right to get an explanation for his reaction. But his look made her soften up a bit. She reached out her hand to cup his face gently, but he pulled his head away.
"What's going on?", Bonnie asked with increasing anger.
"Nothing.", he let out, trying to turn around again but she stopped him.
"Nothing, huh? Is that how you would describe this? That me telling you how I feel and you dismissing it by not believing me, is nothing? That means nothing to you?", her voice was raised already.
"Yes- I mean, no. I mean- let's just not talk about this, okay? You're drunk, you don't know what you're saying.", Kai said while lowering his head and palming his forehead with his hand.
"Is that what you think? That I am drunk and not speaking the truth? You don't believe that I could have genuine feelings for you and just think that I, due to my intoxication- which by the way is nonexistent, am not able to speak coherent facts?"
"That's not what I said-", Kai started while raising his head towards her again.
"Yes, that is exactly what you said, Kai.", Bonnie interrupted him. "Your answer to my 'I love you' was 'No, you don't.' How is that anything different then not believing me? Explain that, would you?"
Her anger had risen to a full-grown fury. She was watching him with demanding eyes and all this time he was holding her gaze, breathing heavily. Bonnie was waiting for his explanation, her previous pity because of his sadness blown away.
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The rain had picked up and Kai had to make a decision. Be the coward that he was, or face Bonnie and have a decent conversation about last night. He wanted to run but he knew better. Bonnie deserved better and he knew with Caroline and Elena in the house, Bonnie would obsess about the occurrence of the previous night by telling them all about it. Kai doubted that either of the girls were already up but he couldn't risk Bonnie having a conversation with them before he had had a proper talk with her.
He took one deep breath and took his first step towards the house. When he reached the door, he froze for a moment. The door was still unlocked, open for anyone to get in. Neither of them had thought about locking it after everyone had left. Kai wondered if he should knock or ring the bell to give Bonnie a fair warning about his arrival.
On the other hand, it was really only the opportunity for her to slam the door in his face and lock him out for good. No, that couldn't happen. He needed to talk to her.
So he turned the knob and the door opened just a crack. Another deep breath and Kai stepped over the threshold of Bonnie's home.
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Even though he had dallied away the time with Bonnie, he realized he was still too early for Caroline's and Elena's flight. The plane would land in about 10 minutes and the two would still need to wait for their luggage and for them to get through security. It gave him approximately 30 minutes until the girls would walk through the doors.
Kai used the time to inform everyone about the state of affairs on the surprise party. He also texted Bonnie and send her a picture of himself at home, making an annoyed face. He had taken that picture yesterday and thought it would make Bonnie believe his little lie about having to babysit better.
A few more minutes later, he spotted Caroline's bright blonde hair in the crowd and made his way towards her. She and Elena were standing near the exit, looking around for him. Elena was busy with her phone, seemingly trying to reach him and ask him where he was. Right before Elena was putting her phone to her ear Caroline spotted him and bumped her elbow into her friends side. Elena followed the direction Caroline was pointing to and lowered her phone. The two girls started walking towards him and met him halfway.
"Hey there, girls.", Kai greeted them when they were in earshot.
Caroline smiled a warm and honest smile. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?", she joked and opened her arms to embrace him. Without hesitation Kai wrapped his arms around the blonde. He had instantly liked Caroline, if he were honest to himself he liked her better than Elena, and was really happy to see her again.
He went on to greet Elena and they started walking towards the exit when Kai abruptly stopped.
"Wait a second, you need to call Bonnie.", he exclaimed.
"Now? I thought she wasn't supposed to know we were here already.", Elena asked.
"That's the point. This is supposed to be a total surprise. But before that, we need to make her think that you aren't coming. She was already mopey about everyone else canceling but you two not coming will crush her. The surprise will be amazing. Just call her and tell her your flight got canceled and you can't make it. If you don't call her, she'll be on her way to pick you up in a few minutes.", Kai explained.
"That is a little bit cruel, you are aware of that right?", Caroline asked with a devilish smile, indicating she was totally on board. She had already picked up her phone and dialed Bonnie's number. She pressed her finger to her lips as she was putting the call on speaker, mumming Kai for the next few minutes.
Kai watched Elena and Caroline put on their best acts. They made up a perfect story and Bonnie seemed really sad about all of this. Kai had to give the girls credit, they were perfect liars. Right in the middle of the call, an announcement was made over the speakers of the airport giving Caroline's and Elena's story further proof. Kai smiled wickedly as he was seeing how his plan was put into motion.
When Caroline and Elena ended the call, he smiled proudly at them.
"Like that?", Caroline asked and winked and they laughed.
Kai led them to his car and put their bags in the trunk. He drove them to his house, since they would be staying with Bonnie for the rest of the weekend but Bonnie was not supposed to know that they were here for now, so they would be spending some time at his place. The girls would get ready with Jo, who was eager for their arrival. It wouldn't be too much longer now.
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She was turning her back to him, cleaning up the living room table. She hadn't even noticed his arrival. Kai was standing in the doorway and leaned against the frame, watching her. Even though he couldn't properly see her, he knew that she hadn't spent too much time asleep that night. Her movements were sluggish and her shoulders bend towards the ground. He couldn't see her face, but he could imagine the shadows that would be visible underneath her eyes.
For a second he wondered if he should be here. Maybe he should have called her first and not just walk in on her like that. But no, it was too late to back out now. He decided that it was no good standing there, watching her, so he spoke.
"You're up early."
Bonnie winced from the sound of his voice breaking the silence the house had been in. She froze in her movement, not turning around but facing something in the far. Kai feared that she might turn around and start throwing things at him, since he could imagine her still being pissed at him. And she had every right to be. But instead of turning around she remained in her frozen state until she resumed her former actions and started picking up random things from the floor and tossing them in the trash.
Kai knew then that he was in deep trouble. He would have rather had her scream at him then giving him the silent treatment. In this moment, he had no idea what to do or to say that would make any of this better. Lucky for him, Bonnie decided to acknowledge his presence after all.
"What are you doing here?", she asked without turning around. Her voice was oddly cold even though she tried to sound indifferent.
"Can we talk?", he said and took a step into the room. Bonnie was still busy picking up trash and didn't seem to be willing to face him anytime soon. Kai took a look around and realized that the room was already pretty much cleaned up, meaning that Bonnie must have been at it for a while now.
"I was willing to do that-yesterday." Bonnie made sure to put a stress on the last word. It was her way of trying to make him feel guilty. And it worked.
Kai sighed and lowered his head in defeat. "I know. And I am sorry."
That provoked a reaction from her. She finally turned around, anger written all across her face. She was holding a rag in her hand and was gesturing wildly with it. "You're sorry? I am sorry, but sorry isn't going to cut is this time. You made me feel miserable last night. I didn't sleep, not for a second. I was wondering what I did wrong, how I could have acted differently. But then I realized. I didn't do anything wrong. You did. So, unless you have a really good explanation for your behavior, I am not willing to let this one just slide with a simple 'I am sorry'. I warned you that this wouldn't just go away."
They looked at each other as the house fell completely silent once more. Her eyes told the story of hurt and fury. He hated that look but he knew that he wasn't going to erase it from her face with what he had to say.
"I don't have one.", he whispered as he looked to the ground.
"What?"
"I don't have an explanation. I just-don't.", Kai said as he looked back up into her eyes, which were wide with misbelieve. Maybe he shouldn't have come here after all.
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Bonnie didn't answer any of his texts since he made Elena and Caroline call her. He had the slight feeling that this might have really crushed her. A little guilty voice was appearing in the back of his mind, telling him to set things right.
He tried calling her again as he checked the house for the two Mystic Falls girls and his sister. It was still time until they would head to Bonnie's house and start with the surprise party, but he felt like he would have to change the plan.
Kai found the girls in the upstairs bathroom, where Jo was busy being styled by both Elena and Caroline. It was a mystery how she even noticed Kai's arrival.
When Bonnie hadn't picked up his call, he ended it and sighed.
"Everything alright?", the voice of his twin reached his ears.
"Not sure. Bonnie is not texting me back. I thought that she would reach out to me the moment you guys canceled on her, but it's radio silence. Maybe I should go check on her.", Kai said worriedly.
Caroline turned around swiftly, leaving Jo's unfinished makeup be for the moment. "But then you'll risk the whole plan. What is the purpose of making Bonnie feel bad about everything on her birthday, when the huge surprise that you have planned for her isn't even happening the way it should have."
"Everything could still go the same. I would just be there a little early."
"How are you planning on managing that?", Elena asked.
"Well, I'll drive over there. Make sure she is okay. Distract her for a while and get her out of the living room so you guys can sneak into the house unnoticed."
"Pretty vague plan, don't you think?", Elena mentioned.
"No, no, no. He might be on to something.", Caroline said. "Bonnie's car, does it have an alarm?"
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"That could be our cue. We make the alarm on her car go off and she'll come out. You open the backdoor and we sneak inside. Total surprise." Caroline explained enthusiastically.
"Sounds good to me.", Jo said and Elena also nodded.
"So, everything stays the same? You'll get there with Jo and as soon as everyone is there you hit the alarm on Bonnie's car.", Kai resumed.
"Yup. And we'll stay in contact via texts.", Jo added.
"Great. I guess, I'll see you later then."
Caroline smiled and turned back to Jo's face. That was Kai's cue for getting out. He got to his car and drove Bonnie's way.
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His mouth opened and closed without any words coming out. Bonnie felt like shaking him, so that he would say something, anything. She just wanted to understand. She knew that he wouldn't say it back but she didn't think that she had to make him believe her. Why was he reaction like this? Was it too much to ask to understand the situation? Should she be more sensitive?
Abruptly, Kai got up from the bed and paced through her room. Bonnie was about to jump up too, when he was heading towards the door. For a moment she thought he would walk out on her but he turned around and walked back towards the bed.
Bonnie was watching him eagerly, expecting some sort of explanation. "So?"
Kai only shook his head.
"Really?", Bonnie asked crossing her arms over her chest. "Wow, that is rich."
"What do you want me to say, huh? What can I possibly say that would satisfy you right now?" Kai started to sound equally annoyed now.
"How about you fucking give me a reason why you won't believe me. What does that even mean for us? Do you even want to be with me? Do you have any emotions inside that messed up mind of yours? Or are you just liking the fact that you have me to your disposal whenever you want?"
"What? No. Are you crazy?"
"Then what is it? Because the way you are acting is making it look like that."
"You don't know anything.", Kai said and turned his back to her.
"Yes, you're right. Because you won't tell me. Don't you think I have a right to know the truth?"
"Yes, but-"
"They why aren't you giving me a reason?", Bonnie now begged.
"BECAUSE I CAN'T.", Kai yelled. Bonnie was glad that her mother wasn't home right now and that Elena and Caroline were in a delirium sleep that even Kai's loud voice wouldn't get them out of. Bonnie looked at him with wide eyes, ready to reply something but frankly, she lacked any words. She had no idea what she could retort to that. So she just kept on staring into his eyes.
She had no clue what kind of emotions ran over her face that second but she could see desperation in Kai's. Their staring contest was on the one hand nearly unbearable and on the other the thing she cling to. The unspoken words between them and the ones that had been shared were the reason their connection was so hart to bear but she feared whatever came next, if and when the connection would be broken. It could only be worse then this so she desperately wanted to extent the moment.
Unfortunately, both her and Kai knew exactly that this couldn't go on forever and Kai was the first one to dare break their eye contact. He looked down to the floor, seeming like a dog that did something wrong. Bonnie kept on staring without saying anything. She tried to figure out a way to get back on track with him. To make him see her point of view and have a decent conversation about this topic, something they desperately needed. But Kai seemed to be too uncomfortable. He couldn't bare the tension in the room and turned around, grabbing the shoes he had left near Bonnie's desk.
"What are you doing?", Bonnie said, horrified from what she was witnessing.
"I should go.", Kai mumbled in the direction of the floor.
Bonnie moved closer to the edge of the bed, kneeling now. "What? No, you should most definitely stay. We are not done and you don't get to walk out on me like that."
"Maybe it's better like that." Something in Kai's voice sounded defeated and broken. Any other day, Bonnie would have been worried about him. Now, she was only mad- and worried about them.
"I promise you, it's not. If you leave now, you and me will have a major problem. Do you understand? I will not forgive you for this.", Bonnie warned him. Kai was done putting on his shoes. He hesitated for just a second and then stood up and headed for the door.
"I dare you Kai Parker. Do not leave this room.", Bonnie yelled in his direction. She hadn't even realized that tears had started to run down her cheek.
Kai put his hand on the handle on the door and sighed heavily. He seemed conflicted but the feeling of discomfort and fear was stronger. "I'll see you.", he said, opened the door and slammed it shut.
"KAI! Kai-!", Bonnie yelled after him but she already knew he wasn't going to come back. Bonnie broke down on the bed and started sobbing into the sheets. She hugged her arms around herself in order to keep herself from falling apart. It didn't work though. The feeling creeping into her was worse then anything she had ever felt before. Rolled up in a ball, Bonnie had no idea how long she lay like this, how long she cried. It hadn't been their first fight but something about it felt different. Felt permanent and mature and important. Kai had run away from her, run away from her feelings for him. It seemed like there was nothing she could do to make him see and believe that her feelings for him were genuine. Like he didn't deserve it. What did that say about their relationship. How could she be happy with someone that didn't believe in her love? How could he love her, if it seemed so impossible she could feel the same.
Maybe this topic wasn't something that would have broken their necks immediately but eventually. Bonnie didn't need him to say it back, she new by his actions how he cared about her. But since she was starting to plan a future with him, she needed to know that someday, along the line, he would be able to confess those feelings. And most of all accept them.
Her sobs went quieter after what felt like eternity. She was lost in her thoughts and feelings of abandonment. For the longest time, Bonnie stared into the blackness of the night, wishing that sleep would finally release her of her pitiful being. But sleep never came and at the first light, Bonnie couldn't take it any longer and got up, trying to distract herself by cleaning up the only messed up thing that she could- the house.
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"Then what do you want?", Bonnie asked and Kai could see small tears wetting her eyes. He wanted to get closer to her and wipe them away before they had a chance to drop out. But he knew he was in no position to offer any kind of soothing actions on his own. It was Bonnie's call and she was not in a mood to let him anywhere close to her right now. She had a point. It was just so hard to watch her hurting and knowing that it was because of him. He never wanted to hurt her like this. He had promised himself to be good to her, because that was what she deserved.
Kai shook his head. "I- " There was nothing he could say. Nothing that was going to make it better. For the first time in his life, Kai had nothing to say. He was usually such a magician with words, always had something to retort, but right now he didn't.
Bonnie realized that the same moment as he did and sighed heavily. She let herself plop down on the couch, where she already cleaned up everything, and buried her face in her hands. Kai remained in his place, watching her from a safe distance. His wet hair was slowly dripping but since his hoddie and jacket were equally drained, it didn't matter.
Bonnie looked up at him after a while and it was hard for him to read her expression. Her mouth was still covered by her hand and she only moved them away slightly as she spoke. "Why can't you just believe me?"
"Believe you?", Kai asked a little confused.
Bonnie sat upright now, her posture more inviting and soft now. "Why can't you just believe that I am in love with you."
There it was again. That expression. The thing that had been the reason for why last night went so downhill so fast. All his feelings were churning. He turned his head away from her, in order to escape the heaviness of the sentence. He hoped that the movement would be enough to escape because the alternative would have been to leave the room but he couldn't do that, not again. "Please Bonnie, don't."
Bonnie shook her head. But instead of being angry, she was soft, even though she had no reason to be. "I will not let you quash this again. This is the thing we need to talk about, Kai." There was a break and Kai felt Bonnie's gaze warm on his cheek. When he didn't look at her she sighed. "What did he do to you?"
That spiked his interest. "Who?"
"Your father. What did he do to you that makes you feel like you are not worthy of love?"
Kai was a little offended right now but he knew it wasn't his position to let it show, so he tried to swallow it. Even though he tried his best he couldn't help the slight taunting-tone in his next words. "What? That's not what's going on here. I don't feel unworthy or anything and my father has nothing to do with any of this."
"Of course you wouldn't see it like that. I don't blame you. It' just-" Bonnie paused for a moment and swallowed. Her gaze was turned to the ground now and when she spoke again her voice was tainted with worry. "If that's not it, I have to think you don't want to believe me because you don't have any kind of feelings for me." She looked up with watery eyes. "And I used to think that that is not the case."
Kai let out a breath, sad that she even considered this possibility. He finally was brave enough to move closer to her. He plopped down in front of the couch, right in front of Bonnie's legs. He was careful not to touch her, in case she wasn't okay with that. "You know that's not why." He reassured her and Bonnie seemed to be a little relieved.
She tried to speak but Kai beat her to it. "I know I'm not perfect. I know I have these issues when it comes to emotions and trust and stuff like that. Maybe you're even right about me, maybe I am fucked up because of my father. Maybe I am just fucked up in general and no one can safe me. I don't know. All I know is, that I don't want to lose you and that I am so sorry that I hurt you like this. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. I wish, I could promise you that I will never hurt you again but that would be a lie. You know it just as much as I do. I will continue to be fucked up and you will be the one to suffer from it-"
Kai wanted to say more. He felt like he needed to push her in a direction that would be safer and healthier for her. A direction that he wouldn't go himself because he was too weak and egoistic for that. But when Bonnie reached out her hand and cupped his face, stroking her thump across his cheek, his mind forgot about everything he wanted to add. Kai closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. It felt like he had been deprived of her affections for an eternity and the familiar feeling of warmth returned to his stomach.
"I don't want you to say it back. I will not push you to say anything that you don't mean. I don't need to hear you say it. But I will not keep my feelings to myself any longer. I will continue to tell you how I feel about you. I will tell you that I love you."
With that he tried to pull out of her soft touch but suddenly Bonnie's grip on his face was stronger and she used her other hand to cup the other side of his face. She made him look at her directly and didn't let go. "Until you believe me.", Bonnie finished.
Kai looked in her eyes with a mixture of fear, misunderstanding, vulnerability and care. "Why?", was the only thing he could reply to her confession. "Any other girl would have dumped me."
Bonnie smiled lovingly at him. "I'm not every other girl, I thought you knew that by now. Besides, I know you Kai Parker. I know you with every fiber of my being and I know that you care about me. And I know that you are worth fighting for. And I will fight. I will fight for us, even if I have to fight you for it."
Bonnie took his hands into hers and pulled him up to sit next to her on the couch. The second he sat down, she flung her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her. Kai hesitated for a second before he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drown in her. He wrapped in arms around her waist, clinging her to him. How the hell did he deserve this wonderful creature? Her love and affections? She was way too good for him. He buried his face into the crook of her neck and whispered against her skin. "I'm so sorry, Bon."
Bonnie shushed him lovingly as she continued to hold him. But Kai felt the need to discuss something so he slowly pulled away from her. "Can I ask something of you? I mean, I know I am in no position of making demands but it's important."
"What is it?"
"Can we- maybe take it slow. I mean, not like start again and slow everything down but- I don't feel comfortable thinking that we just move on like nothing happened. I feel like we need to acknowledge this enough and just be cautious."
Bonnie stayed silent as she considered his incoherent babbling. "Babysteps then?", she asked him.
"Babysteps.", he agreed and smiled shyly.
Bonnie smiled back at him and let her hand stroke his hair. Her face got confused then. "Why the hell are you so wet?"
Kai let out a mixture of a laugh and a sigh. "I kind of walked around all night. At some point it started raining."
"I thought you were at home.", Bonnie stated and looked at the clothes that he most definitely hadn't worn the night prior.
"I was. For like 10 minutes. I took a shower because I though it might help me cool down but when it didn't, I grabbed my clothes and went outside again."
Bonnie nodded. "So, you didn't sleep either?"
"Nope.", Kai admitted.
"Maybe we should go get some sleep then?", Bonnie proposed but when she saw his expression she quickly backtracked. "Right, babysteps."
"Don't be mad.", Kai said and stroked her cheek. Bonnie shook her head in understanding. "Do you want to go to bed? I could clean this shit up and you can go rest."
Bonnie shook her head. "No, I don't need to rest."
"You sure?", he looked at her concerned, but she insisted.
So, before Elena and Caroline even popped up the two had the entire house cleaned up. They didn't speak much but at least it wasn't awkward to be around each other. They had been lucky to get over this even though it now felt like their relationship had changed. Maybe it was only him but something between them felt more mature and honest. It was a good thing, at least he hoped it would be. But it was also a burden. There was no place for stupid fights like this anymore. He needed to pull himself together now and really try. For her.
When they were done, Kai decided to head home. The rain had stopped and he would get home without getting soaked again. Bonnie lend him her umbrella and hugged him at the door. "Let's not fight like this ever again. I really didn't like it.", she whispered in his ear.
"Me neither.", Kai replied honestly. He pulled away from her and gave her a small smile. She smiled back at him. It was hard to leave her now but they had agreed on taking it slow. It was better that they'd spend a few hours apart before seeing each other in school again. Also, she would need the time to be with Elena and Caroline.
Kai leaned forward and pecked her cheek before leaving the house and heading home.
Author's note: Hope this wasn't too confusing or depressing. I want to thank all of you for your support and interest in this story. I love reading your reviews. Thank you. It means a lot. I am doing my best to get the next chapter out as fast as possible.