Sorry for the much too long wait. I haven't abandoned the story. Hope you are still reading.
O-o-o-o-o
„How do I write ‚grandpa', mommy?" Claire asked. They were making invitations for her fifth birthday which was in about two weeks. Kate had bought cards and had cut out pieces of paper were Claire could draw something for each of her guests. She'd write the names of her guests too and Kate would fill in the rest.
Kate closed her eyes for a moment and send a silent prayer to heaven that her father could make it to Claire's birthday. He'd been there last year but he'd missed her third and her second birthday. She picked the sheet of paper where already a lot of names were written down and wrote the word down for her.
„Here you go" Kate said and turned the sheet when she was finished so Claire could copy the word.
„Thanks" she said and carefully wrote it in the corner of the card before she handed it over to her mother. Kate looked at the drawing. It showed Claire and her grandfather, holding hands. Of course they were smiling. Kate's heart pulled together at the sight painfully. She wished she'd get to see a picture like this more often. In real life. Not on paper.
„You did good, Claire" she praised the drawing. Because even if she'd already had to draw so many pictures for all the cards she'd been patient the whole time.
„Did you look at the sun?" Claire asked, pointing at the sun in the picture. Kate hadn't but she did now. Flying in the sun was a drawing of a woman with brown hair. The woman had wings. An angel. „That's grandma Johanna."
Kate's eyes teared up. She pit on her lip hard to stop herself from crying. Instead she smiled at Claire. „It's beautiful, baby."
„When can we bring them to all the people?" Claire asked, excited.
„I'm gonna take the ones for your uncles and aunt with me to work tomorrow and you'll take the ones for your preschool friends to school tomorrow. I'll drop grandpa Jim's off at his place on my way back from work sometime this week" Kate told her. She'd love to take Claire to give the invitation to her grandfather herself but she was never sure if he was maybe drunk so she couldn't do it.
„What about Alexis and Rick and grams?" Claire asked. „Can we go give them the invitations now?"
Kate hid her smile at the question. Of course Claire would want to go back there immediately after she'd finished the task of making invitations for her birthday.
After they'd woken up this morning at the loft they'd had breakfast. Rick had made it again and Kate had been angry at herself for not setting an alarm on her phone. She'd wanted to beat him to the kitchen to prepare breakfast but for some reason the girls had woken up Rick before her again. This time though they'd helped him make breakfast and had come to wake her up when they were finished, asking her if she'd rather keep sleeping or have breakfast with them. Of course she'd gotten up, not wanting Rick to have to watch them on his own again.
After breakfast she had been able to get Claire home without protest by telling her they needed to make invitations for her birthday. They'd spent the whole morning with that, had sandwiches for lunch in between their work and had finished a little later.
„They are not home" Kate told her. „They went to the zoo." Rick had told her about their plans when they were cleaning up the breakfast table. He'd asked if they wanted to accompany them but she'd refused since they had to make invitations. They probably were a little late already. But with all the stress of the past weeks Kate just hadn't been able to do it sooner.
O-o-o-o-o
„Hello my sweet girl" Kate greeted her daughter when she picked her up from preschool the next day.
„Mommy!" Claire jumped into her arms and hugged her tightly. Kate squeezed back and dropped a kiss on the crown of her head.
„How was your day?" Kate asked while she carried Claire a few steps.
„It was great" Claire told her and wriggled free. Kate sat her down and took her hand instead. „Do you know what Jason told the rest of the class?" she asked.
„What did he tell you?" Kate asked. It seemed to be very interesting since Claire normally didn't like Jason that much. She always told Kate that he was mean to her and the other girls and told the other boys to also be mean to the girls which Claire found very unfair because some of them were her friends.
„He went to a wedding at the weekend" Claire told her excitedly. Claire loved weddings. She'd been on two, Kevin's and a colleague's of Josh. Both times she'd been a flower girl. She'd loved it so much and she'd looked so adorable in her pretty dress and with the flower crown on her head. „And that's not even the best part. Because guess who got married."
Kate shrugged. „I have no idea, Claire." Since Jason wasn't one of Claire's friends she didn't know anything about his family. She only knew that his parents had divorced each other last year and that he had stayed with his father.
„His dad. And now comes the awesome part, mommy. He's got a sister and a brother now. Because his daddy's new wife has a daughter and a son. Did you know that you can get siblings when your parents get married?" she asked excitedly. „I was totally surprised when the teacher told us."
Kate was just about to say something when Claire continued. „So, can you marry Rick so Alexis can be my sister?"
Kate choked on air at the question. She hadn't expected that at all. Bad enough that Lanie wanted her to get together with Rick. Now Claire wanted that too.
„No, baby" she started and was about to tell her why when Claire's eyes clouded with disappointment, angry tears not far away.
„Why not? Jason got siblings too" Claire complained, her voice whiny.
„Because you don't just marry someone. You have to really think about it. And you have to be in love with the person you are marrying" Kate explained.
„Can't you be in love with Rick?" Claire whined.
„That's not something I can control. Falling in love isn't something you decide to do. It just happens" Kate explained. Despite falling in love with Rick wasn't something she thought of as a good idea. Just like she'd told Lanie that would just be way too complicated for numerous reasons. Plus falling in love wasn't always mutual but that was something else that Claire didn't need to know yet.
„How does it happen?" Claire asked.
„It's very hard to explain, Claire" Kate said. „You'll understand when you are older. But you don't have to be upset. You'll still see Alexis all the time because Rick and I are best friends too. Like you and Alexis."
„You are?" Claire asked. Kate nodded smiling, happy that they could go back to easier topics. Friendship was so much easier to explain than love.
O-o-o-o-o
„What's bugging you, Claire?" Lanie asked a few days later. Kate had dropped her of at her place because she wanted to bring the birthday invitation to her father. Claire though had been quieter than usual. Lanie wondered if she had a fight at preschool or something like that.
„How does falling in love happen?" the little girl asked.
„Oh well" Lanie hadn't seen that question coming. „Are you falling in love? Is there a boy at your school you like?"
Claire shook her head. „Have you fallen in love with someone?" she asked.
„Sure. Not right now though. But I have before" Lanie told her honestly.
„How did you do it? How did you know?" Claire asked. She was a curious little thing and Lanie wondered where all the questions about falling in love were coming from. She knew Kate had told her that she'd fallen out of love with Josh so Lanie would have guessed that would be of more interest for her. But she knew her niece enough to know that she would get to know where all the questions were coming from as long as she answered all of them patiently and to Claire's satisfaction.
„I didn't do it. It happens on its own" Lanie explained. „But I knew because I couldn't stop thinking about the man I was in love with. He made me smile and he made me laugh and he comforted me when I was sad. We could talk to each other for hours too. And I missed him when I hadn't seen him for a few days."
„That's all?" Claire asked surprised. Well, Lanie thought, there were some other things but they weren't for little ears. And for Lanie they weren't linked to love anyway.
„Yeah, why?" Lanie asked.
„Because Rick does all these things and mommy still isn't in love with him" Claire said frustrated. Oh. That was where this was coming from. Lanie suppressed a grin.
„Does he now?" she asked. Claire nodded. Good to know, Lanie thought
„Why do you want your mommy to fall in love with Rick?" Lanie asked.
„Because I want Alexis to be my sister" Claire told her. „So mommy has to marry Rick. But she said she won't marry him because she isn't in love with him."
Oh my, Lanie thought. As much as she would want to side with her little niece on this, she couldn't.
„Claire, come here, sweetie" she said, and petted her lap. Claire climbed up and looked at Lanie expectantly.
„Look, I get that you want Alexis to be your sister. She's your best friend and you love her and you want to see her all the time. But you can't make your mommy fall in love with Rick. If it happens that's great but if not that's okay too. She will still schedule a lot of play dates for you and Alexis. I know it's not the same as you imagine being sisters to be but it's great too" Lanie said. „And Claire, your mommy probably didn't tell you that but falling out of love hurts. And sometimes you have to heal first before you can fall in love again."
„Does mommy still have to heal because she fell out of love with daddy?" Claire wondered out loud.
„I don't know. But let's just be happy that she's not too sad about it right now, okay?" Lanie asked. Because in the end that's what she cared about too. Kate had been through so much and she deserved to be happy with or without a man. Though Lanie did think that a little adult fun once in a while wouldn't hurt. But marriage… That was a whole different story.
„So you don't think she can fall in love with Rick?" Claire asked a little disappointed.
„She might" Lanie said. „But it's not something you can influence. You just keep asking your mommy for play dates with Alexis and Rick. If she falls in love with Rick or not is her heart's decision and can't even be influenced by herself."
„Okay" Claire agreed.
„Okay?" Lanie asked, just to be sure that she'd answered all Claire's questions.
The little girl nodded.
„Can I marry Alexis then?" Claire asked.
„Sure" Lanie told her. „When you are old enough"
„Jason said girls can't marry girls" Claire pouted.
„Sure they can" Lanie said. „Do you wanna help me make dinner?"
Claire nodded excitedly. „Alexis is helping her daddy make dinner all the time too"
Lanie smiled at her. Then they went to the kitchen where Lanie checked her phone, noticing that she had a message from Kate.
She opened it to read it and immediately felt bad for her friend. Oh my. This couldn't mean anything good. Lanie sighed. She typed a reply and then turned to Claire with a smile.
„How do you feel about a sleepover with you dear old aunt Lanie?" she asked.
„Can we stay up till the wee hours of the morning again?" Claire asked excitedly. Lanie laughed. She'd said that to Kate once that she would let Claire stay up till the wee hours of the morning. The little girl immediately had picked up the line and know thought it meant watching movies until about 9 pm with a lot of snacks just to fall asleep on the couch.
9 pm was still later than Kate preferred for her daughter to sleep but it wasn't anywhere near the wee hours in the morning and once in a while Kate didn't care. Especially not tonight Lanie figured.
„Like we always do" Lanie winked. „But don't tell your mom about it" she joked. Claire giggled.
O-o-o-o-o
Kate rung the doorbell a few times but the door didn't open. She took a deep breath. This wasn't a good sign. She got her key out and unlocked the door.
To her disgust the smell of alcohol hit her nose. She swallowed the urge to just turn around and went into the house and closed the door behind her.
„Dad?" she called but got no answer. She went into the kitchen and found her father asleep next to a couple of empty bottles of whiskey and wondered how many were from today.
She put her hand on his shoulder and shook it a little „Dad" she said. He stirred.
„Dad, wake up" she said louder.
He blinked and pushed his head from the table. He looked at her and she could tell he was concentrating to focus on her. „Katie, hi" he smiled the ugly smile of a too drunken man.
„Hello dad" she greeted him back. „Do you know what date today is?"
„Yes" he answered but then she could see that he was thinking again. „I didn't miss something, did I?" he seemed to sober up a little at the thought that he could have missed an important date. Today was a significant date too which was probably why he was this drunk in the first place. But still he should remember his granddaughter.
„Not yet" Kate answered, a little coldly but she couldn't help herself. „But you will if you keep drinking so much. Do you even know which date you should remember right now?"
„Um…" he seemed to be concentrating very hard and Kate closed her eyes at the wave of bone-shattering disappointment. Maybe coming today of all days had been a mistake but she had needed to check on him. She was always scared that he drunk himself to death on this date. Her parents wedding anniversary.
„I'll give you a hint" she told him. „To me it's the most important date in the world."
„Um…your birthday?" he took a guess, but in the way his brows were furrowed together she could tell that he already figured that he was wrong but he seemed to not be able to remember what she wanted to get at. And that itself made her so nauseous she didn't think she could eat anything at all for the rest of the week. How could he not remember his granddaughter? Kate swallowed hard.
„It's not November for heaven's sake, dad. It's June" Kate said, close to tears.
„June" Jim said but his voice sounded far away. Suddenly in some kind of drunken delirium again. Then he looked at her with clouded eyes. They seemed even more unfocused than they were when he'd first woken up. „Johanna. Will you marry me?" he said as if he were just remembering that day from so long ago.
Kate though couldn't take it. It was like old days all over again. Back before she'd been pregnant with Claire and had tried to get her father to stop drinking. She'd visited him more often then and sometimes he'd been so drunk he'd mistaken her for her mother. It had always been the most horrible moments when her own father didn't even recognize her. It felt like every time he called her by her mother's name he was stabbing her in the heart. Denying her. Forgetting about his own daughter. Not loving her at all. Which Kate knew wasn't true. But she couldn't help but feel like this. How could he love her if he forgot about her?
She slapped him. Tears were clouding her vision now. Her father didn't remember her or his granddaughter. Kate felt like throwing up. Why didn't he love her enough to pull himself together to be there for them?
„Claire's birthday. It's Claire's birthday next week, dad" Kate said icily. „Your granddaughter is turning five. And she's inviting you." Kate took the invitation out of her bag and looked at the picture again. She almost feared what would happen to it if she gave it to her dad now. Would he spill alcohol on it? The thought was unbearable. Claire had taken so much care in drawing the picture.
She carefully put the invitation down on a relatively clear spot on the table anyway and then turned without saying goodbye.
Back in her car Kate couldn't stop the waterfall of tears coming out of her eyes. For a while she just sat in the car. Her vision too clouded to drive anywhere. And then when she could finally think straight again she pulled out her phone and sent a text to Lanie.
Can you keep Claire over night?
About five minutes later Lanie's reply came.
That bad? Of course I'll keep Claire. Anything else I can do for you?
Kate shook her head, thanked her friend and then started the car.
How could she have gotten her hopes up so high that she was so devastated now? It hadn't been the first time she'd found her dad this way but somehow it had been worse than it had been in a long time. Maybe it was because there was already so much going on with the break up and everything. Josh not going to be there at Claire's birthday probably played a part too. She probably had hoped that at least her father would be there. But right now it didn't seem like he would be able to put himself together till then.
Kate swallowed hard, trying to force new upcoming tears down when she stopped the car. She bit herself on the lips to stop herself from crying again when she got out. Only then noticing that she wasn't standing in front of her own home rather than somewhere else…