Mother's Day

Matt Casey sat in his rented car and looked at the house that matched the address his mom had given him when she finally got her own place. He'd called occasionally, sent her packages for her birthday and Mother's Day and Christmas, but he hadn't actually been out to see her since she moved in. There was a car in the driveway, there were no visible lights on in the house but that didn't necessarily mean anything and he knew it. Part of his brain was screaming at him to get out of there before she saw him, the other part was telling him to get out of the car and go knock on the door.

It wasn't that he'd actually planned to come out this way and pay his mom a visit, it had just sort of happened. Staying at home with the memories of what happened with Gabby had gotten to be more than he could handle and he decided to hit the road and get away from everything familiar, have some time to think and try to work through everything. He hadn't told anybody he was leaving, he'd paid his rent a few months in advance so his home would still be there waiting for him whenever he finally decided to go back, packed a bag, hailed a cab and just left. Left his truck parked in the driveway, left his day-to-day life behind, left he knew, Kelly in the lurch by going AWOL on him. A day later he'd sent a group text to everybody at 51 letting them know he was okay, apologized for worrying them, then later he'd sent a different text to Severide.

He knew he owed Kelly an explanation for his behavior, but he just didn't have it in him to explain anything. Instead he sent a short message, permitting Kelly to finally tell everybody at 51 what had really happened with him and Gabby. Kelly had less than subtly nudged him on it for months, and Casey insisted every time that he couldn't, he couldn't ruin everybody's memory of the paramedic they all knew and loved. But the more time went by he realized he couldn't stand living with the lie either. It was a rat thing to do, but he just couldn't stand to tell them himself, he couldn't stand the looks that would be on their faces, the awkward silence that would ensue, or worse, somebody would actually try to talk about it. And he felt like a real son of a bitch for putting this off on Kelly, but he was the one who'd brought up the subject, he'd insisted if Casey did, he'd be in his corner no matter what happened. If he felt that strongly about it, let Kelly be the one to tell them what Gabby was really like, this woman they all thought they knew so well.

And he'd just wandered since then. He went from one town to the next, went from one car ride to another, sometimes he got on a bus, never really stopping long enough to do anything, some days he barely ate, he just felt he had to keep moving and keep putting distance between himself and Chicago, finally he decided he'd save a lot of trouble just getting a rental car. A cold snap hit a few days after he left, and he stopped in a store and bought a long black coat since he hadn't packed anything for colder weather. It wasn't anything he usually wore, but glancing at himself in the store mirror, he decided it would work. It was like looking at a stranger, but right now that worked.

So what was he doing here? He honestly didn't know, his foremost thought was still to turn the engine over and get the hell out of there, but something wouldn't let him, he didn't know what. He looked at the house again, not sure whether he wished his mom would open the door and look out and see him, or that she'd stay inside and never even notice he was there.

He could sit out there all day staring at the house, and it didn't sound like half a bad idea. But he knew that wasn't going to solve anything. He wasn't sure what going up there and talking to her would solve either, but he had a feeling he wouldn't be able to move on from here until he did, not with any peace of mind anyway.

Sighing to himself, he opened the door, got out, headed up the sidewalk, felt the wooden boards of the porch groan under his weight, and reached over and pressed the doorbell. From inside he could hear a bell chiming, it was too late to back out now.

He heard light footsteps approaching the door, his mouth went dry as he tried to think what he was even going to say.

The door opened and he looked and saw his mom's face slightly distorted through the metal screen on the glass door.

"Matt!" she exclaimed with her eyes lit up and a surprised smile on her face, "Oh my God, what're you doing here?"

"Hi, Mom," he said simply.

"Oh my God, let me look at you," Nancy Casey opened the screen door, and instead opted for hugging him, "I haven't seen you for the longest time."

"I know, I'm sorry," he said as he hugged her in return.

She pulled back and took in his new and unusual attire of a long black coat and black sunglasses, and her smile quickly faded as she asked him, "Matthew, what's wrong?"

Casey didn't want to get into it right away, he tried to be coy about it, "What makes you think-"

"Matty," she said, "I know you, you didn't come all the way out here just to see the place. What's the matter?"

"Uh...I've taken some time off from work, can I come in?" he asked.

It took a couple seconds for her to realize what he was saying and she held the door open, "Of course, come right in."

He did, and looked around the place. It was little more than sparsely furnished. There were some knickknacks and decor that didn't go together whatsoever, the furniture didn't match, that was his mom. She always seemed to march to her own drum, and she paid a high price for it, they all did.

"Do you like it, Matty?" she asked.

"It's very nice," he said.

"I'm not done with it yet," she said, sounding a little self conscious, "I had to replace some furniture, oh, sit down, sit down."

"Thanks," he said as he took off his coat, walked into the living room and seated himself on the couch.

"So," Nancy said as she walked over to him, "What brings you out here?"

"Uh..." Casey tried to think how to start.

"Matt, take your sunglasses off, it's dark in here," she chided him.

"Oh, right," he reluctantly took the shades off, feeling like he'd just lost a force field. He'd taken a lot of comfort in knowing nobody could see his eyes when he wore them, made it a little harder for anybody to look at him and get a read on him.

"Now...what's going on?" she asked skeptically as she sat down on the couch by him.

He looked at her, and suddenly wished he was anywhere else, even back home at his apartment, wished he was doing anything other than this. But it was too late now. He glanced down at the carpeted floor as he decided where to start.

"Gabby died...several months ago..."

Nancy's face was a mask of horror, "Oh my God, Matt, I'm so sorry, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I couldn't," he shook his head, "I couldn't really deal with it..."

"W-what happened? How...how did she die?" Nancy asked.

"She got shot," Casey answered, "We...we were out, and somebody just shot her..."

His mom gasped in shock, "Oh my God, honey, I'm so sorry."

"The cops were chasing these drug dealers, they just started shooting, and the next thing I knew, Gabby was down...she was already dead."

It was obvious this was more than she could take in, and Casey was starting to regret doing this. There was no way his mom could endure the second part of the story.

"What about you?"

He looked at her. "What?"

"Were you shot?" she asked.

He shook his head, "No...not me."

Nancy sucked in an uneasy breath and he heard her murmur, "Thank God." She looked at him and shook her head, "I don't mean that how it sounds, but you're my son, Matt, I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you."

But something did. Casey felt his eyes welling up with tears already that he desperately tried to blink back before she saw them. How could he tell her, his own mother of all people, about what Gabby had done to him?

"You must miss her so much," she said as she reached a hand over on his shoulder.

Casey came so close to telling his mom she had no idea, that she couldn't even begin to imagine, but he couldn't, he didn't want to offend her, that wasn't why he came here. Why had he come? He didn't even know anymore.

"Uh...it's difficult," he said as he looked towards the carpet again.

"Have you been alone all this time?" she asked.

"No," he shook his head, "Kelly's been staying with me."

"Who's she?"

"He, Mom, Kelly Severide, we work together, he's the Rescue Squad lieutenant. We went to the academy together."

"Oh," she replied, "That's probably for the best, somebody should be with you while you're mourning."

"I'm not sure that that's what I'm doing," he said, feeling like his heart was going to pop out of his chest whether he told her the truth or not, and just wishing it would all go away.

He forced himself to raise his head and make eye contact with his mother.

"Mom..." he felt himself backing up again, and forced himself to go forward, "Something happened...something horrible, when Gabby and I were married...something nobody knew about."

"You told me about the baby," she said.

"What?" he asked.

"The baby Gabby lost."

Casey sucked in a shallow breath and nodded, then shook his head, "It wasn't that."

"The little boy you adopted?"

"Louie, no, that's not it either," Casey said, "This was more recent, it was a few months before Gabby died."

"What is it, dear?" she asked.

Casey reeled at that word. He could get used to a lot of things, but it was hard anytime his mom actually tried to be a mom. It wasn't something he felt an overabundance of familiarity with in his life, maybe when he was little and couldn't remember much. He knew she meant well, and he knew she tried her best, but it still felt strange.

He sucked in a breath, knowing there was no going back now. He forced himself to maintain eye contact as he explained, "Gabby...she wasn't the person everybody thought she was...nobody could see it, I couldn't see it, I really loved her, I thought she was this beautiful, sweet, loving woman...and she wasn't."

Nancy didn't say anything, and it scared Matt.

"Our marriage was bad from the beginning, but I couldn't see it, even before we were married, it was bad, but I didn't want to admit it...everything had to be Gabby's way, and if it wasn't, she had a fit and blamed me for everything...I wanted it to work, so I always gave in to whatever she wanted. I didn't want to be like you and Dad, I wanted us to make it work, I was willing to do whatever it took to make her happy, keep the peace...after the baby, after Louie...I just kept thinking if I can keep her happy, one day we'll have kids, we'll have the family we want...I...I didn't want to be like Dad, I wanted to be a good husband, I tried, I did everything I knew how to do, but it wasn't enough."

He blinked, and he felt his mom's hand placed on top of his.

"What happened, Matty?" she asked.

He had no choice, he jumped in with both feet. "Gabby started stealing drugs out of the ambulance, and she brought them home, and she gave them to me to see what would happen...it, it was never pills, I never would've agreed to that, but, it was all the stuff they knock you out with, she injected me with it...she wanted to see what effect it would have on me...and, I didn't stop her. I found out that she'd already been slipping me drugs without my knowing, so I don't know if that had anything to do with why I agreed to go through with it, or if I was just a damn idiot...she mentioned wanting to try it one time just to see what would happen, and I didn't say no...I should've, I know that, but I didn't, I don't know why I didn't. She..." his breath was starting to heave and the tears were back and threatening to spill over as he forced the words out, an occasional heaving breath breaking up the syllables, "She drugged me so I couldn't move an-an-an' then she raped me..." the tears were falling now and he forced himself to look at his mom as he confessed, "She injected me with stuff that about paralyzed me, and I couldn't fight her off, she told me if I loved her, I would do it...and I didn't tell her no, I should've...I honestly thought it would be one time and be over, but it wasn't...and I thought, if I'd just told her 'no' the first time, that she would've listened...but when she kept doing it I did tell her 'no' then and she wouldn't listen...I thought it was my fault because I let her do it the first time, and after that she never listened when I told her no. She wouldn't stop, and I thought she was going to kill me, and I was trying to get away from her and she chased after me and that's when she got shot and she was killed."

He squeezed his eyes shut when he saw the look on his mom's face that could only be described as 'disgust'. She hated him, he knew it would happen if he told her this, and he couldn't bear it.

He let out a strangled yelp and about jumped out of his skin when he felt her hands on him, he opened his eyes and saw her practically on top of him, her voice breaking as she tearfully responded, "Matthew..."

Casey was openly sobbing now as everything he'd tried so hard to work through and put behind him in the last 10 months just all came flooding back to him, hitting him like a ton of bricks.

"It's all my fault," he choked out in a frightened whisper.

He felt his mom's hand under his chin and felt her fingers gripping his jaw as she cried in response, "No...no..." She pulled him against her and consolingly rubbed his back as she said in tears, "It's not your fault, Matty, it's not your fault."

For the first time that he could remember in most of his life, Matt Casey clung to his mother and cried. He didn't know why but he took some solace in the fact she was crying too.

Time didn't seem to really exist anymore, Casey was faintly aware of the room getting dark, and at some point the lights were turned on. He didn't know how long he and his mom sat on the couch like that, but he knew it was getting late in the night. They both alternated between crying and seeming to run out of tears, but then something would start it again. Through it all he wasn't aware of his mom letting go of him, and he didn't feel like he could let go of her.

He felt her rubbing his back in comforting circles, it took him back but he wasn't sure to what, but it was familiar.

"I'm sorry I told you," he said, his head resting on her shoulder.

"Matthew," she said, her voice strong again for the moment, "What happened wasn't your fault."

"It has to be," he insisted, "I let her do it. I didn't stop her, I didn't say no, and when I finally realized what she was doing, I didn't tell anybody because I was too ashamed, and embarrassed."

"Gabby took advantage of you, Matt, in every way...she knew how hard you tried to keep everybody happy, no matter what...maybe it's my fault."

Casey raised his head and looked at his mom and repeated in disbelief, "Your fault?"

She nodded, and explained, "I let a horrible man raise you, and you've spent your whole life trying to prove you're not him."

Casey felt the tears starting again and he told her, "I'm sorry for what he did to you."

"Oh Matt," she hugged him tighter and told him, "I could take how he treated me, what I hate is that you had to be there and witness it, and then he started on you the same way...that's what I couldn't take anymore. You were a bright, sensitive, intelligent young man, and he was going to ruin all of that, I couldn't let him do it."

Casey felt his chest pulsating as the sobs came again and he dropped his head back on her shoulder, feeling like he'd just fallen back to square one.

He wasn't sure when he finally calmed down again, he felt like he was going in and out of sleep, he looked at the clock every so often but he wasn't actually paying much attention to the time. His mom was still holding him in her arms but her eyes were closed and her head was down, he guessed she'd finally fallen asleep too. But that was also short lived, the next time he opened his eyes again, she was wide awake, rubbing his back and talking to him, as soothingly as she could.

This was very familiar, Casey tried to place it...then it came back to him.

He remembered one time when he was eight years old and had the flu. He'd been in bed all day, his throat had been so sore he couldn't even swallow, and he threw up all day. His mom kept nudging him to drink ginger ale and eat crackers, saying it would calm his stomach down, it didn't help. By that night, he was throwing up even more, and harder, and it just felt like it was never going to stop. The clock said 2 in the morning, his mom had just gotten him back to bed and propped him up against the pillows, he was crying, his stomach hurt, his chest hurt, his throat felt like it was on fire and it was hard to breathe. He remembered being in tears from the whole ordeal and telling his mom that it was never going to stop, and he thought he was going to die.

She sat on the bed beside him and pulled him against her and rubbed his back as she told him it was going to get better, he just had to be patient, and she knew it was hard. From somewhere she got a wet washrag and gently washed the streaks of tears from his face, then pressed the cool cloth against his eyes, and calmly told him he had to calm down, and he needed to try and sleep, and if he could go to sleep, he'd feel better in the morning. He'd been in bed all day, sleeping off and on and didn't think he could. He had a little TV on top of his dresser, she turned it on and they watched reruns of "I Love Lucy" and "The Brady Bunch" and she held him for the rest of the night. It was the worst he'd ever felt, but it was also the best she'd ever made him feel. He didn't throw up again the rest of the night and he felt like it might've been something his mom did, whatever it was, he felt safe there with her. Through his window he could see the street lights shutting off as the sun started to come up, and he finally laid down and closed his eyes. He fell asleep feeling his mom's soft hand stroking through his hair and over his forehead.

The next day he was able to eat toast and popsicles, he threw up twice but it wasn't violently like yesterday, he was able to get out of bed and go downstairs, he didn't exactly feel 'better' but he felt better than the day before. That night he insisted he could sleep alone, so his mom let him. He was much better the next day, but he'd never entirely forgotten that sense of security he had being with his mom the first night.

That was very much how he felt now, in this moment he felt all of about eight years old again, and for the first time since Gabby first started drugging him and forcing him to have sex with her, he felt safe, and against his better judgment, he wished he could just stay where he was forever, not have to go back, not have to deal with everything again.

"Matt."

Her voice drew him out of his thoughts, he opened his eyes and looked around the room, outside it was still dark, the lights were still on, and neither of them seemed to have moved on the couch.

"Mom?" he raised his head to look her in the eyes.

She smiled sadly at him and smoothed his hair back and told him, "You need to eat something."

He wanted to laugh, but he didn't have the strength.

"I can't eat anything."

"If you don't, you'll get sick."

"I'm not hungry."

Mentally he grimaced when it occurred to him that he'd shown up late in the afternoon and with everything that had happened, his mom hadn't eaten either.

"Okay...okay," he gave in. No matter what he did he always felt like a terrible son, somehow everything he did was always wrong. Coming out here was wrong, telling her what happened and upsetting her had been wrong. But he didn't have a choice. There wasn't anyone else he could tell.

Nancy got up from the couch first, Casey slowly got to his feet and followed her into the kitchen.

"I really don't think I can eat anything, Mom," he said.

He noticed she moved sort of fidgety around the kitchen as she said, "Well, I'll just make us some tea."

Casey shook his head. "I'm sorry I told you, I shouldn't have come out here."

She spun around so fast at his words that Casey thought his head was going to spin.

"Don't you talk like that, Matt," she told him, "I'm your mother...you're my son...you're supposed to be able to come to me."

"Not about this," Casey said.

"Matt," she walked towards him, and he wasn't sure what to expect. She surprised him by saying, "I never told you, or anyone, about this, but one time when your father and I were first married he-"

"Oh God," Casey stepped back in recoil, "Please don't tell me about this." He did not need to hear how this was another way he and his mom actually had something in common.

Nancy walked up to him and pulled his hands off his ears and told him, "He told me that I was his property, that since we were married he owned me. I was young, I didn't know anything, I thought he was joking, I loved him, I never imagined he would turn out to be the bastard that he was. If I'd known..."

"You wouldn't have married him," Casey said, knowing that meant neither he nor his sister would've ever been born.

"I don't know," she shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes, "I probably would've, just to have you and Christie. But maybe I would've left him sooner, before he could do as much damage as he did. We're just...we don't have a lot of luck falling in love, Matty, we always seem to pick the worst people to be with."

"Mom, please, I can't have this discussion right now," Casey begged her.

"I could tell you were smitten with Gabby the first time I saw you two together," Nancy said, "If I had any idea what she'd be like-"

"What?" Casey asked, and shook his head, "No, we weren't even together back then."

"But I could tell, Matty," she insisted.

"I didn't even know I loved her back then," Matt said, "How did you know?"

Nancy shrugged and answered simply, "A mother knows."

Casey sighed, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Mom."

The teakettle started screaming. Nancy shut it off and poured water in two mugs to let the teabags steep.

"Every day I ask myself how I could let her do those things to me," Casey said. "I feel like a damn idiot."

"You're not, Matt," his mom told him.

"Then why did I let her do it?" he asked helplessly.

"Because you trust easily and you love hard," Nancy answered, "There's nothing wrong with that."

"There has to be," Casey's voice was so low even he barely heard it, "There has to be something wrong with me."

"Matt," his mom was suddenly in front of him and she hugged him, he felt her hands move up to loosely grab his hair on the sides of his head, "You will always be my baby. There's nothing wrong with you."

His voice was even quieter now as he shook his head and responded, "Mom, there has to be."

She shook her head, "You are bright, loving, you care about everybody, I'm proof of that, if it wasn't for you, I'd still be locked up." She held his face in her hands so he couldn't look away and told him, "When you have kids, all you ever want to do is protect them, from everything. All the good qualities you have, your father would've destroyed, that's why I felt I had to shoot him. Maybe there was another way, a better way, but I couldn't think of one, all I could think about was protecting you and preserving everything that made you great.

Casey shook his head, "Mom, I'm not."

"Yes you are, Matty, you could just never see it," she told him, "but everybody else could."

"Mom, I loved her so much," Casey admitted, he heaved in a hard breath and added, "I just don't get how she could've done this to me...and why didn't I see it earlier?"

His mom sounded near tears again as she told him, "Sometimes, Matty, there are things we're better off not knowing."

Casey felt his throat swelling up with tears again, and knew they would be escaping soon, they were already busting loose as he hung his head low and confessed, "I just don't get it."

He felt his mom's arms around him and dropped his head on her shoulder again.

It seemed like they just wound up on the couch again, Casey opened his eyes and found himself back in his mother's arms as she lightly rocked back and forth on the couch while she held him.

"Matthew, I am so sorry for what you went through," she told him, "No matter what happened, you didn't do anything to deserve it, you need to believe that."

"I've tried," he answered, "but I just can't. I shouldn't have told you."

"No, no," she replied, surprising him, "You had to tell somebody, and, it was hard to hear, but I'm glad that you told me about it."

"How could you be?" he asked.

"I hate what happened to you, more than you can imagine, but I'm glad that you felt you could come to me and tell me what was going on," she explained.

"I probably should've come sooner," he said.

"Time had to be right, that's all," she said.

Casey looked out the window and saw it was starting to get light out. They'd pretty much sat up all night long, and he was exhausted. He pulled back from his mom, leaned against the couch and closed his eyes.

When Casey woke up, he heard birds singing and he felt the bright sunlight against his eyelids. He opened his eyes and saw the sun was high and shining into the room. He also saw he was laid out on the couch covered with a sheet, he sat up and looked around and saw his mom tilted back in the blue rocking recliner next to the couch, she was also asleep and looked like nothing could wake her. Casey knew he should get up, but he was so tired he just laid back down and fell back asleep.

When he woke up again the sun was higher, and he could smell something familiar, coffee, bacon. The clock said 10:30 in the morning, Casey pushed the sheet back and entered the kitchen where he saw the coffee was made, the bacon was already cooling, and his mom had a mixing bowl full of something tucked in the crook of her arm while she stirred it.

"I'm making brunch," she said, "You still like waffles, right?"

Casey nodded.

"I thought so, they were always your favorite when you were little," she said as she walked over to the counter and raised the lid on the waffle iron, "Every time you didn't feel well, I always asked what you wanted for breakfast, and you'd always answer 'waffles'."

Matt thought back and tried to remember, it sounded vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite recall.

"Why don't you get a shower and clean up first?" Nancy asked.

He shook his head, "I'm good, thanks anyway."

"Do you have to leave already?" Nancy asked later that day.

"I hadn't planned to stay overnight," Casey said as he put his coat back on.

"Are you going back home?" she asked.

He paused for a moment. "I'm not sure."

"You know you can call me at any time, right?" she asked.

"I know," Casey nodded.

"Please do," Nancy said, "it drives me nuts when I don't hear from you."

"I will," Casey said, "Thanks, Mom."

"Matthew."

He stopped at his name and just looked at her, finally she answered.

"You are a wonderful son, there's nothing wrong with you."

He merely nodded, then stepped over to her, hugged her and kissed her on the crown of her head and told her, "And you've been a great mom."

"I don't know about that," she replied with a small laugh.

"Well I do," he replied, and kissed her again, "Love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Matt," she said as he headed out the door, "Be careful!"

He chuckled softly, "I will."

"Call me when you do get home so I know you're alright."

"Will do."

"If you ever need to talk to me about something, I'm always here."

"I know."

As horrible as it had been, Casey actually felt relieved that it had gone as well as it did. It was such a relief to have that done and over with, and he wished that he'd told his mom sooner.

So now what? Did he turn around and go home, or stay on in the direction he was already heading, and just keep going, and hope to find whatever it was he was looking for somewhere along the way?

He made up his mind and decided that his life back in Chicago would still be alive and waiting for him when he finally showed up, so for now he decided to keep moving forward and see what happened next. As he pulled away from the curb he saw his mom standing on the porch waving to him. He waved back, then drove out of there.