Metal Heart

SnilyAU!

Her lips felt numb. Invisible pins pricked every inch of her body. The cold was all she could feel and remember as she trudged through the deep snow covered lawns. Above her snow continued to cascade down from the skies, creating an icy cocoon around her frail body.

She could feel how painful the cold snow was on her skin, she could feel it seeping through her skin and into her blood, freezing her bones. She could feel the way her chest struggled to heave out frantic breaths, but though her body could feel the effects of the cold on her body, her mind froze it out.

Somewhere in the depths of her mind she could register that someone was calling out for her, their voice carried and swept away by the force of the whirling winds. But numbness settled over her as her mind ebbed and flowed between the present and the past.

They had met when they were nine years old at a playground close to the outskirts of Cokeworth.

Only her family knew of her magical powers back then, and were accepting of it, but Lily had always known that they were afraid of her magic. When she had met Severus it had been a lifeline to her, an assurance that she wasn't alone.

She'd quickly attached herself to him and spent as much time as she could with him after school and during the summer holidays. They'd become close, and for a while she'd found herself wishing that she was related to Severus, not Petunia.

Two summer holidays passed, and on the third a strange looking man with a long silvery beard and purple star robes arrived at her house. He'd explained everything that Severus had already told her. He told them that she would be learning magic and that she would be in a safe place, a place where she could learn how to harness her magic.

As soon as he'd left she had run to Severus and told him all about it. The rest of the summer had passed quickly that year, she'd circled September the first on her calendar. On the day that they left for Hogwarts, she and her parents picked Severus up from his house and they drove to King's Cross together.

When the train sped away from London she remembered thinking, for the first time in her life, that she was finally normal.

The wind was picking up as Lily brought her arm up to shield her face from the icy chill around her. She couldn't see anything but white as she continued to trudge through the blizzard. She knew she was crying, but the tears froze as she tried to push through.

It was hopeless.

She never should have tried to leave, not on a day like today. Tears fell from her eyes as a strong wind made her lose her balance and fall to knees on the ground.

Her time at Hogwarts had been wonderful.

On their first day, she'd asked the Sorting Hat if she could be put into Slytherin. She'd spent many afternoons listening to Severus going on and on about Slytherin. She couldn't see herself in any other house if Severus wasn't with her: but then the Sorting Hat had called out Gryffindor and there was nothing more to be said about it.

They explored the castle, spent many days at Hogsmeade and honed their magical abilities. There were moments of sadness too, especially when people from her house and his would interfere and pick on them. Then things took a dark turn with Sev's friends in their final years: but even in times of darkness, there was light.

They'd fallen in love during sixth year, she had never known what love felt like until Severus. There was betrayal too, they had spent many days healing from what had happened after their OWL's. The funny thing about love was that it made you blind and kept you at the mercy of the whims of your heart. She had been so foolish to give her heart to him so willingly, she would later learn how grave a mistake it had been.

A pair of hands wrapped around her arm and tried to pull her forward. She could hear the faint sounds of a voice urging her to move and follow. It pleaded for her to get up. She wanted to move her lips and reply, but her teeth only chattered as icy veins curled around her throat, maiming her.

She hadn't thought it would end this way. She'd thought she'd had a chance, a real chance at starting a new life away from Severus' grasp, but she probably should've known better.

Of course he would send a house elf after her. He'd probably instructed the poor elf to drag her back to the house.

"Please mistress, I must take you back. Master Severus is searching for you."

Another voice joined the elf's, it was distantly calling her name, but it became louder with each second that passed.

It wasn't long after they'd graduated from Hogwarts that they'd moved in together. He'd convinced her it was in her best interest if she wanted to be safe, but she'd known deep down that he had only asked her to stay with him because he hated being apart from her. In hindsight, it had been the start of his attempts at controlling her.

It had started harmlessly, like telling her not to wear certain things. But then the harmless things morphed into trying to control more important decisions. She'd thought it was normal of him to advise her against seeing her friends. They were in a war after all, she was the partner of a Death Eater, she couldn't be seen in public too often. He told her that the Ministry and the Order would capture her and use her to get to him. She'd believed him.

Eventually, he told her he couldn't see her family either. She'd pleaded with him to let her visit her mother when she'd been hospitalised with pneumonia: but he'd told her that they couldn't risk being seen with Muggles. Her mother had died and Lily hadn't known until a letter from Petunia many months later.

It wasn't long after that she'd had to quit her job. Severus told her the Ministry was full of spies that wanted to harm anyone associated with him. A few months after that, she tried to go to Diagon Alley to replenish her supplies. She'd almost Apparated out, but then he'd arrived and stopped her. Their argument had escalated, horrible things were said, and before she knew it he'd snapped her wand in half.

Time had lost all meaning after he'd snapped her wand. She had no concept of when that had happened; it could have been weeks or years, she wouldn't have known or cared. Without a wand she was powerless.

"Lily?"

She stopped, her hand tightening around the broken shards of her wand in her pocket. It would be useless of her to try and defend herself with magic against him. Still, having it in her grasp made her feel as though she had some hope of defending herself.

"Lily, please," Severus' voice was louder now as he walked closer towards her, the snow shuffling beneath his feet. "Come home."

His voice was sweet and tender as he spoke to her, and for a moment she believed him. She didn't answer though, paralysed by indecision and confusion. What would she say? Where would she begin?

She had so much to say to him, things that he needed to hear. Lily wanted to make him understand how deeply he had broken her spirit, how he had nurtured it and cared for it then turned against her and broke her.

She'd spent most of her life trying to be the person he wanted her to be. She'd asked the Sorting Hat to put her in Slytherin, then resented it for years when it put her in Gryffindor. She had lied about being a Muggleborn to make his life easier, and to allay any suspicion from the Purebloods in his house who speculated about her blood status. She'd pretended to hate Muggles and Muggleborns. She'd come to live with him Severus to keep up pretenses.

She had been pushed to the edge and changed everything about her, for him. When he had asked her to become a Death Eater, to mark herself, it had been the final straw. She'd already tainted her soul by fighting against her true self and letting him control her, but marking herself as a murderer and fanatic would be an irreversible sin.

She couldn't let him take away the last remaining part of her soul that was hers to protect.

His hand closed around her wrist, the warmth of his skin burning into her cold skin. The feeling of his hand on her, where once it had brought her comfort, now felt like being burned by a hot poker and she pulled her arm away.

Severus' eyebrows pulled together as his gaze lingered on her wrist. Rage flashed in his dark eyes before he composed himself, "Come home, Lily."

"I-I can't do that," Lily croaked, the iciness in her throat making her stutter.

"What do you mean you can't? You're being ridiculous, just come with me, I'll take care of you." Severus held his hand out to her, his dark silhouette standing out against the whiteness of everything around them.

She watched as he came closer then stopped when they were standing almost toe to toe. He was standing so close that she could feel the warmth of his breath on her face. His eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"I can only take so much Severus," Lily whispered.

His brows furrowed, "Of what?"

She took a shallow breath as she steeled herself for what she needed to say. He needed to know what he had done to her.

"I can't be like you," she croaked. "I can't become what you want me to become. I can't sell my soul to the devil."

Lily looked back up at Severus and stared into his dark eyes, they flitted with an array of emotions: resentment, hatred, rage, pain, and tenderness. She had loved those eyes, his face, loved him when he himself had believed that he was incapable of receiving her love.

She had made mountains of excuses for him. She'd told herself that everything he did was to protect her. Lily knew that he had murdered and tortured people, but she had been so consumed by her love for him, by her need to repay him for protecting her that she had chosen to be blind to the sins he'd committed.

She hadn't become a Death Eater like he'd asked her to, but her soul would never be as pure, whole and clean as the snow around them. Being with him had dirtied her, made her into the sort of person that turned a blind eye when people were being tortured in her own home.

She could never understand how he and his friends could live with themselves after committing such cold blooded atrocities. Then again, how could she live with the knowledge about it being done and having done nothing about it. She was a coward, he had tainted her soul, but she'd had enough.

She was only human, she wasn't perfect, and she would be spending the rest of her life atoning for being a bystander to the horrors performed around her.

"I only ever wanted to protect you," Severus whispered, his voice breaking. "Everything I did was for you."

Lily stepped forward, her hand hovering close to his cheek before she let it drop. Severus' shoulders slumped as the hand holding his wand trembled. For a brief moment Lily wondered if he would hex her. She knew he had killed before, and had definitely cast every one of the Unforgivable Curses: but this was Severus. She knew him better than she knew herself: and she knew without a shadow of doubt that he would never actually hex her.

Still, she entertained the idea of snatching the wand from him to remove any potential threat. But the reality was that he was bigger and stronger than her, he would easily overpower her and she didn't know what he'd do in retaliation. She couldn't risk it.

"I know. I know that everything that you did was your way of protecting me," Lily said in an attempt to placate him. "There was a time when I was thankful that you'd go to such lengths to keep me from harm. I used to think I was so lucky to have someone care enough about me to risk their own life." Lily let out a breath as Severus' fingers loosened their hold on his wand.

"But?" Severus commented, his voice devoid of emotion.

"I know what you and your friends do when you think I'm not paying attention. I know that you thought you were protecting me from harm, but while you were protecting me from your own friends, I had nobody to protect me from you."

"I've never laid a hand on you like that!"

"You didn't need to." Lily stopped and composed herself for a few moments, her anger was rising and she couldn't let her emotions get the best of her. Not now. "Do you know how it feels to have your own agency taken away from you? To have someone tell you who to see and where to go? Worst of all, to have it done to you by someone you thought you could trust."

"You can trust me, I love you." Severus shook his head, stray tears falling from his eyes.

Lily didn't wait for him to continue. "I don't hate you Sev, in fact I think there's a part of me that'll always love you. But I can't be with you anymore. I can't standby while you take and take what's left of who I am. I can't."

He shook his head, a sardonic smile on his face before he finally looked into her eyes, "You really are leaving aren't you?" She nodded. "I-I'm –" he paused as his voice cracked. "What happened to us? I thought we were happy."

His chest shakes as weak, quiet sobs spill out from his lips. She wanted to comfort him, but her body stayed frozen as she watched him sobbing. Eventually his sobs quietened and evaporated into sniffles. He looked utterly broken.

"We were happy, once." Lily paused. "But I'm only human Severus, you had to have known that this was coming. You can't just push and push and push and expect people to accept it. I–I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't even remember what it's like to," she paused, "to be alive. To be a person."

Minutes passed by in silence as little flakes of snow fell around them. It was funny how everything seemed so clear now. She had lived in ambiguity for years, never knowing who she really was, never knowing what she could do next. It had taken her a while, but now her life was in perfect clarity, and her destiny was hers to control.

"I can't change your mind?" he whispered as he pushed his hair away from his face. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy.

"No," she answered.

She didn't know what to do, she had never broken up with anyone.

She didn't know how this was supposed to end, or even how she should feel. She didn't know if she wanted to step forward and apologise, or hug him, or punch him, or kiss him.

She didn't know if she wanted to leave some trace of sweetness in their goodbye or to make him hurt as much as he had hurt her for so long.

Lily moved forwards to comfort him, but her mind reminded her of the task at hand. She needed to escape, to leave this place – and him – behind.

She glanced at him one last time, then turned and continued walking. As she swung the gate open at the end of the drive and shut it behind her, she turned back to take one last look at what she was leaving behind.

The snow had stopped falling and the sky was peeking out from behind thick heavy clouds. Severus was hunched over in front of the house, his head in his hands. Years ago she would have felt guilty at how pathetic he looked, but she had changed. She felt nothing but relief as she took one last look at him.

Lily pushed her heavy cloak off her back and sighed as the weight of it fell off her shoulders. She was freezing, but the only thing she could think of was how warm she felt as the sun peeked out and kissed her face with its warmth and light.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt the sun on her skin.

With one last look at the house that had been her prison, Lily turned and made a beeline for the main road, her body coursing with adrenaline.

Lily didn't know where she would go, or who she could turn to. She had no wand and nothing but 10 Galleons in her pocket. She couldn't Apparate with a broken wand, but maybe the Knight Bus was still operating.

None of it mattered though. She didn't care if she had to live in a cardboard box, because this, this feeling of being in charge of your own life was what it felt like to be alive.

Author's Note

Word Count: 2998

Word Count (without A/N): 2949

The Houses Competition

House: Ravenclaw

Subject: Head of House

Category: Standard

Prompt/s: [Song] Human, Christina Perri

Hogwarts Competition Forum

House: Gryffindor

Task: Religious Education #2: February, Snow Moon: Write about a heavy snowfall