This is a Deacon POV chapter. I felt he had a few demons to deal with arising from the loss of Beverley. Next chapter, I promise will be centered around Rayna and Deacon.
Deacon smiled as he pressed the send message to Rayna. He didn't believe that after all these years that the bench had not been repaired. He hadn't been back in Natchez for a long while, the last time he had spent any length of time here was after Vince's death. Grimacing he thought "it seemed like the only thing that would get him back to his hometown is someone dying". With Beverley's death any connection to Natchez had also been lost. He had been so desperate to escape from his painful childhood that he left as soon as he was legally able to, never looking back.
Both Beverley and he had left with stars in their eyes. Meeting Rayna had cemented Deacon's future in Nashville. Even before they had become romantically involved he knew that his musical career was tied to her. Beverley had taken an instant dislike to Rayna. She had seen the connection between them. She knew even at that early stage, that no one would be able to get between for long. Beverley had initially tried to separate them, but they were drawn to each other like a moth to a flame. Deacon had begged Beverley to join him on Rayna's tour but by that stage she had begun to see Scarlett's father. Deacon sighed. If only he had been able to get her to join him on that tour, how different their lives might have been.
He had needed to get out of Beverley's house, there were too many memories wrapped up there. He had resisted the idea of coming out here when Rayna first suggested it. He had been so angry with Scarlett after Beverley had died. Not only had he lost his sister but in the process he had managed to lose himself in his guilt, and lashed out at those closest to him. Spending this time with Scarlett made him realise that he should have been there for her in the end. Scarlett not only had to make that decision on her own but she when she needed him to stand next to her and lend his strength, he had abandoned her. He should have been there for her, she had been grieving the loss of her mother as well as the guilt of making that final decision.
Deacon kicked some loose gravel as he continued his walk around the small town. Nothing much had changed over the years. The same small drab houses were still standing, only now they were even more run down as unemployment struck hard. It pained Deacon to know that Beverley had hidden the truth from him. He had tried to help her whenever he could, especially when he was first starting out. Once Rayna had signed a record deal, resulting in him having a steady income he would send regular cheques to help with the bills and for Scarlett's schooling. Beverley always sent the money back. Every time he called to encourage her to let him help, she would convince him that things were going good, that she didn't need his money. She kept this charade up until he and Rayna surprised her one day on a break from touring.
Deacon was horrified to see not only the state Beverley was in, but the condition that Scarlett was living in. He smiled to himself as he remembered how swiftly Rayna took charge. She was so good with Scarlett, comforting her and assuring her that everything would be fine. Deacon's mother was too old to care for a young teenager and Scarlett didn't want to leave her mother. Rayna had found out that Scarlett would often spend time at her best friend Zoe's place when things got bad. After speaking with Zoe's parents, Deacon was able to arrange for them to step in and act as surrogate parents for Scarlett. Deacon would send them money to cover Scarlett's schooling as well as any living expenses and Scarlett would continue living with Beverley. Even though it was a dysfunctional relationship neither Rayna nor Deacon were able to convince either of them to consider alternative living arrangements. Deacon, after many arguments was able to persuade Beverley to get some help for her condition.
His traumatic childhood, as well as Vince's death had made returning to his hometown painful, and knowing that he had also failed his sister made it almost impossible. Deacon now knew that he was prone to harbour guilt and let it fester until he found some destructive outlet. In the past he would have found relief in the bottom of a bottle, but the final bout in rehab had made him aware that he needed to find heathier alternatives. He gave a sarcastic laugh, as he thought back over some of the alternatives he had tried in the early days after rehab, hell he had even tried tai chi! After one particular argument with Rayna, where they both had ended up throwing objects at the other, she had screamed that his life played like one of those pathetic country songs the record company wanted her to sing. Standing there staring at her, he realised she was right.
All his songs when they were a couple were about her and how much he loved her. Since he had left rehab he had struggled to find his voice again. He had lost Rayna and he could no longer find inspiration in a bottle. He didn't know who he was without either of them in his life. His songs had come from a place of love, now that he had loss the love of his life he didn't know what else he had to offer. He had resided himself to just being a guitar player, thinking that his time as a songwriter had passed. If he was being honest with himself, he still wrote songs about Rayna, about his love for her but it was too painful to play them. From that moment onwards Deacon wrote from his place of truth. Whether it be about love or loss, he found a way to express his pain that was not only constructive but allowed him to make enough money to support his family.
Finding out about his cancer had shaken him, but he knew that he would be able to survive anything as long as he could spare Rayna and the girls' the pain of seeing him die. He had given up hoping that he would be reunited with Rayna, but he was going to try fighting the cancer for his beautiful daughter. When Rayna had called the wedding to Luke off, a small flicker of hope ignited within. The dream of a lost love began to weave itself through his songs. The dark world that was crushing down on him as the result of the cancer diagnosis, began to fade as he had renewed faith that he would beat it, not only for Maddie but now Rayna. His family gave him the strength to believe that he could beat it.
Since getting the transplant he had felt lost. Prior to Beverley turning up, both he and Rayna had dealt with the idea that they were on borrowed time. It was a confusing time for him. Being with Rayna, being part of a family bought him a joy that he had never known before but the dark cloud of the cancer had prevented complete happiness. The confusion of emotions during that period was at some level normal for him. He had spent 15 years loving Rayna and suffering from the pain of not having her. He had been comfortable with his happiness having an element of suffering with it, he had loved Rayna from a distance for so long that it had felt normal. Realising that his future with Rayna was now without obstacles scared him. They had never had a relationship without some dark shadow threatening them. He loved her more than he could ever say but idea that they were free to love each other un-incumbent terrified him to a degree.
They had never had a relationship that wasn't overshadowed by some demon, usually at his instigation. The happiness that had engulfed him after Rayna had declared that he was the man she was choosing, had given him strength during the dark times fighting the cancer. He was able to draw on that love as well as using the pain of knowing he was dying to write his truth. After everything that had happened, he was afraid. Afraid that once the pain of losing Beverley faded, that the happiness he felt being with Rayna would stifle his song writing. He had never written from a place of pure happiness. Even when he was with Megan, the happiness he felt with her was tempered with the deep knowledge that she wasn't Rayna. Not being able to express himself through his music made him anxious. He knew that he would never drink again, he had lost too much and had too much to lose to ever travel down that destructive road again. He needed to find something to work through the conflicting emotions careening through him.
He pushed on the door and entered the sparsely populated mom and pop diner. Chewing on his lip, his brow creased deep in thought, he failed to notice Scarlett until she was standing in front of him. Startled, he blinked in confusion at Scarlett. His mind struggled to surface from his morose thoughts. He wouldn't never admit it to anyone just how much it scared him, the thought of not being able to access the creative outlet of song writing. Seeing Scarlett trying to put a brave face on for him, Deacon mustered a smile at his niece. They were both grieving a loss and they needed to lean on each other, to ensure they got through this painful period. Taking a booth, over breakfast they slow let go of the hurt they had inflicted on each other.