Chapter 6: It's Okay
Steve was constantly learning that no matter how much experience he had in saving the world, he was still so naive. He thought once he had her back everything would be okay, back to how it was before, but in this line of work... nothing is ever that simple.
He found himself unable to sleep the first night she was back, his emotions taught and mind racing. He tried resting next to her in bed, but it was far too soon for him to see her lying unconscious. Once he was sure she had fallen asleep, he closed his eyes, only to flash back to the moment when he found her on Vormir. All he could see was the blood pooling under her fiery hair, there was so much blood. Steve's eyes flung open in panic, only to see her body lying with a very similar stillness next to him and he lost it. Steve jumped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. His heart pounded in his chest, sweat trailed down his face and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. He barely made it to the toilet before the contents of his stomach climbed its way up his throat. Steve's body was responding as if he were right there at the time of her fall—no her jump to her death, her sacrifice.
"Fuck" he muttered as he wiped his mouth and sat on the floor of the bathroom, back resting against the wall.
"Maybe tomorrow."
A voice came from his left. Her voice.
"Steve?" Her eyebrow quirked up in concern after getting no response from the soldier.
Steve let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding as she made her way closer.
"Everything alright?"
"Ye-ah, I'm okay."
"Looks like much hasn't changed while I was...away. You're still a terrible liar."
The uncharacteristic pause she held before "away" did not go unnoticed by him… the careful tiptoe around traumatic words like death or suicide. Steve hung his head between his legs.
"So that's what we're calling it, huh? "Away" Like you went on some vacation?"
"Let me rephrase that, you look like hell. Talk to me."
Steve let out a deep sigh."I'm sorry... I didn't mean to..."
She smiled at him reassuringly," it's okay."
And Steve's mind quickly recognized the phrase, the same words she said before she… his stomach lurched for the second time that morning as he emptied more bile into the toilet bowl.
"Fuck..." He sat back down and glanced over to her briefly and returned his gaze to the floor.
"That day, on the bridge when you didn't come back. I—I didn't know what to do. I never had imagined that was possible. We— Do you remember the last thing you said to me?" He looked up at her searching for eye contact.
'"See you in a minute'" she muttered and averted her stare away from him.
"It-it was as if we were all just doing the most casual thing in the world. Clint, he said— he said you traded your soul for the stone... what does that even mean, Nat?— did you really...?" Steve suddenly found his throat dry and he never felt less brave in his life, realizing he didn't have the guts to say it, to ask her if she willingly jumped off the ledge of vormir.
"Do you remember the last thing you said to me?" She hardly gave him time to respond and continued onto make her point. "'whatever it takes' you said we had to do whatever it takes to get the stones, so I did exactly that, Whatever it took"
She walked away without a glance or another word and found her way back into bed. Steve remained staring at the bathroom tiles, still too shaken by the tricks his mind was playing on him. They had completed their mission, achieved the impossible. Found her body on Vormir and somehow used the stones to revive her. It was in this moment Steve truly understood that despite it all, things were far from "okay".