It took a bit longer to update this time, because I have a job and other stuff going on in my life, but here is chapter 5. The first, and by some readers highly anticipated, look into our dear Shizuru's mind.
For those of you who have taken the time to review: Thank you very much. I'm so happy to know after so many years there is stil an interest in new stories from the HiME fandom. Keep the reviews coming, it's highly motivating! :)
One thing more before the chapter proper starts, I have been asked whether this will end up in Shiznat as a couple and to that I can only say I won't tell. As with all the different relationships in this story I have a more or les solid idea how they should end up and I hope to manage to write the process organically. If your enjoyment of this story is only founded of a couple of your choice getting together and your not along for the ride, that is sad but I won't part with my idea for the story just to please everybody.

Enjoy the next chapter.

Shizuru

Here I was again, walking through corridors I thought I had left far behind me, but apparently as with so many other things there was no escape for me to have. To an outside spectator I must have looked like an early sleepwalker, strolling past dorms and faculty buildings, but they were not privy to my memories, to all the things I could still see when I moved along these suppressed paths.
Midori's call had not frightened me, all I felt was resignation as my fingers closed around the cool handle of my blood red naginata. Karmic retribution might be another way to call it, that I could not leave my cursed powers behind me, just like I couldn't rid myself of the people involved. Part of me instantly thought of Natsuki, even after years almost every little thing managed to remind me of her if only for a second. In a twisted way immediately I hoped for her to be reawekende as well so that I could see her again. I was disgusted with this part of me and told myself that I should wish her safe and well away from all things HiME related.

But my heart beat faster and my breath quickened as I saw that unmistakeable mane of black hair near the window when I had entered the student council meeting room. Of course I hid my reaction to her presence just as I did not give any outward sign of acknowledgement when she had reacted to my voice. It had been startled, Natsuki's reaction, whether in a good or bad way I was not able to say. That alone irked me a little, as once upon a time I was able to read her so well. I should not seek her out, especially not with the circumstances what they were yet I couldn't help myself. Like a moth drawn to the flame I went out to search Natsuki as soon as Nao grudgingly went to meet up with Mai for patrol. First I was tempted going straight to Natsuki's room, but this was the worst I idea and I was aware of it.
Also, if Natsuki was still somewhat like her old self, she was unlikely to spend her time cooped up in there. Out of habit more than an actual belief that I could find her there my first way was to the student council room. Of course it was empty at this time of the day. Maybe it was my hubris talking again, but Natsuki had only ever come to the council room because of me, I had been sure that there was no point of her being there. Still it hadn't hurt to look. Part of me wanted me to take the detour to realise I should leave her alone. A futile attempt since I never quite could. I may have left Natsuki's life, but she was still in my thoughts every single day since then and it would be a lie to claim I didn't still love her with desperate ardour. Nevertheless, I had been strong enough to leave her, surely there could be no harm in just talking to her after so long.

She was not in the council room, that meant I had to take my search outside, Natsuki had never been fond of any of the classrooms. The last light was asking the campus in a golden glow when I exited, the silhouette of the rebuild church a stark shadow against the setting sun. I wondered if this was to be taken as a hint, whether I would find Natsuki at the location of our former demise. The idea of going to look for her there was not appealing to me, she had done what had been necessary and what I was unable to do at that time but revisiting the scene I shied away from away.

Purposefully I directed my steps in another direction, turning my back on the church. Eventually I ended up in the gardens. Wouldn't it be poetic, I thought, if we should meet here again, after so many years, at the place were we first met in our school days. However, the lanes between the rows of flowers were deserted. It was getting duskier, but the light was still enough to see that no person was standing or walking among them. I sighed. Most of the flowers had already wilted during the summer, only a few remained with their heads standing tall on the stalks and even their petals started to fray and brown around the edges. Idly, with nothing better to do I started to walk through the garden, after all, even without Natsuki here, it was a pleasant evening for a stroll. So caught up in my own thoughts, whether simply coming here had been madness in itself or not, I almost didn't notice anything until it was too late. A swift movement in the corner of my eye, by the pavilion startled me, it was only a shadow and it could be anything, ready to attack. Instantly I had my naginata in my hand, broadening my stance and waiting for the fight. "Show yourself!" I demanded. I wasn't on patrol, but I could deal with an Orphan by myself just fine.
Only to drop my blade into the grass, when not a demonic creature but Natsuki stepped out of the shadows behind the pavilion.
She had not summoned her element, but was fixating me with a stare as cold as any of her ice bullets. It was so harsh I couldn't even feel any satisfaction that my instincts had not been wrong, that she had come to the garden after all.

I was waiting for her to say something, any thing, but she remained silently glaring. I let the naginata disappear.
"Hello Natsuki," I offered. I wasn't sure if her face faltered for a moment or if it was a trick of the streetlights on the path lighting up. Natsuki's mouth twitched, as if words were about to come forward but didn't and then she turned around. Briskly starting to walk away.
I couldn't let this chance slip through my fingers. "Natsuki, wait!" I called out.

To my surprise she actually did stop. I took a trepid step before she whipped around. Not only did she speak this time, she shouted.
"What do want Shizuru? You disappear out of my life without any notice, I can't find a trace of you and the you finally talk to me because circumstances outside our controls force us to see each other?! You don't get to walk up to me and 'Hello Natsuki' me!"
If she had slapped me in my face it would have hurt less. I forced my voice not to show how her words hurt me. "I had to leave, Natsuki."
"Why? Why couldn't you at least tell me where you were going? I was worried sick about you!"
She had cared for me, my beautiful, compassionate Natsuki. I had hoped she would not worry after I had been gone, after all I went to relief her from the burden that was me an my desires. Hearing that it had caused her pain pained me all the more. Still I did what had to be done, granted it had not gone the way I intended it too, but I had to defend this.
"Natsuki is kind to worry about me, but she of all people should know that I am capable of taking care of myself. It - "

"Yes, yourself! Only yourself, apparently!" Natsuki cut in, enraged. "We were living together Shizuru, for fuck's sake! How could you just up and leave?"
"I did what was best for you." I had to maintain this point. I simply had to.
"You can't just decide what's best for me, not without even bothering to get my input on it." Her voice was still full of anger even when it quivered, close to breaking. "I thought we were in this together Shizuru."
It was hard remaining calm upon being faced with such raw emotions. I wished I could have thought of a better way to do what was best for both of us. I, too, had wished we could be in this together.

"Natsuki, please understand."
"Understand what? Your 'reasons'? What I did wrong to make you leave? How can I understand anything if you never cared to share your reasons?"
My sweet girl, here she was trying so hard that I wished nothing more than to scoop her up in my arms and hold her tight yet I had lost the privilege to do so. I knew I owed her the truth, but how could I tell her what a sick, unstable mind I had. How could I admit the reason I left her was my fear of not being able to control myself around her, my fear that she would never return my feelings to the same depth and that I would snap and do unforgivable things without a HiME-star to blame?
I tried to plead with her. At one point Natsuki had trusted me, was it too much to hope she would again?

"Just believe me, that I had reasons to go and I wouldn't have left if I had known any other way." I was not above pleading, not with Natsuki but I couldn't tell her the whole story, lest I wanted her to hate me.
"How can you be so selfish? You ask me to trust you when it's clear you never trusted me to begin with! Or you would have at least talked to me!"
The way she stood right in the centre of the streetlight's beam, framed by it like a halo she was the embodiment of an angel. The one thing, too good for me, that gave me a purpose.

"I did it to protect you." I wished I could make her see it without also revealing what ugliness was inside me. Gingerly I stepped closer to her, reaching out a hand without meaning to, just to touch her arm, needing tactile proof. She slapped my outstretched hand away before I could lay it on her, but still, it was touching of our skins, if only for a moment. She was really here, even if she hated me.
"Protect me from what?" She demanded, not yelling any more, but hissing. "You're not the only one who can take care of herself! Look at me, you left me but I still did just fine."
It was true, she did fine, didn't she. Otherwise Natsuki would not be standing here right now. It was the one sentence that deflated me as if she pricked a balloon with a needle. All I had ever wanted was for her to be fine, shouldn't I be happy about this? I couldn't be, deep down I was still an egoist. Slowly I pulled my hand back, giving Natsuki what I hoped was a warm smile. Her eyes were still icy. "If that is all you have to say, just leave me alone."
Three quick steps and Natsuki had left our circle of light, vanishing in the shadows of a full-blown night and this time she did not respond when I called out her name again.
I deserved it, yet it hurt all the same.

Maybe I should have volunteered to patrol, it would give me something to keep my mind occupied. My naginata reappeared in my hand without a thought and in a single graceful swipe I cut one of the few white flowers still standing up and pulled it back to me. I tucked the blossom in my hair and deliberately left the gardens in the opposite direction that Natsuki had gone.