Natsuki

When I awoke the first morning back on campus, it took a while for me to get out of bed. Although I had retired early the night before I had slept decidedly bad. Every other hour I had woken up, turned and tried to fall asleep again. Sleep had come each time but it had been a light one, filled with weird dreams and scenes from our past on the campus in high school. It was a relief getting up and focusing on fixing breakfast.

There was no meeting scheduled for today, leaving me to wander the campus idly. I tried to find Midori, however her office was empty and when I checked at the infirmary I didn't see here in there. If she wasn't hiding in one of the beds behind the curtain at least. Asking Youko I refrained from doing, I never had been close to her, only knowing her as a friend of Midori. Most likely Midori would have had the same thing to say as yesterday, if there had been a breakthrough, she would have called a meeting at once.
It was decidedly weird walking the familiar paths among students but not being one of them, not blending in with a uniform. Instead of the skirts and blazers like the girls around me, I wore black jeans and a T-shirt and I felt like all of them were gazing at me. And everything seemed so normal. If I didn't believe Midori there would be no sign of any trouble here.
Eventually I just headed back to my room, better becoming paranoid there than glaring at every student until they averted their eyes in fear.

"Say bye to aunt Natsuki'" Mai prompted her son who was smiling at us from the screen of Mai's laptop.
"Bye bye Natsuki-baachan," he crooned, waving both his hands enthusiastically at the screen. I chuckled, waving back. "bye, little guy. Give your daddy hell from me." I said to earn a protesting shout of "Hey!" from said daddy who was holding Yuto on his lap. Mai laughed but admonished me before the kid got any ideas. "Don't listen to her Yuto, you be nice to your father. Love you my little one."
Yuto on the other side kissed his palm and pressed it against the screen, luckily not directly over the camera but we could still see Yuuichi reaching over his son's shoulder to wipe the screen with his sleeve. After Yuto had said his goodbyes, Yuuichi set him down, telling him to go play before turning to us again.
"I had hoped you would have more news to tell," he sighed. "Relax, it is only the second day and at least it's not worse." Mai replied and I elbowed her in the ribs lightly. "I'm the cynical one here, you're supposed to say how great everything is going," I mockingly told her.
Yuuichi laughed. "Guess you're right. Anyway I should start preparing dinner." My eyebrows rose at that, I never knew he could cook but this didn't sound like the preparation for instant noodles.
"Natsuki, watch out for my wife." I mock-saluted him. "Mai, I'll call you again tomorrow. I love you."
"I love you too." They both looked at each other for a moment in silence.
"alight, take care, both of you." He said, then the window with his face went black. Mai shut the laptop down and took a deep breath. I was afraid she might start to cry by the way her eyes shimmered already.

Without even thinking I hugged her, feeling her accept the hug gratefully. She had told me last night already that she couldn't have anticipated just how much she would miss her family. It was the first time ever since their son was borne that she left him for longer than a day.
While I had never experienced the same situation and most likely never would, I imagined it to be painful. At least Mai was secure in the knowledge that the separation was only temporary.
"Better?" I asked when Mai pulled out of my arms. She nodded. "thanks for being here Natsuki, and thanks for talking to Yuto. I think he liked seeing you."
"Anytime, you know I adore the kid." It was true. Never in a hundred years would I have thought I could handle children, especially small ones but Mai was one of the few constants in my life, so of course I was there at her bedside the day after she had given birth and even though I had been disgusted the first time Mai had asked me to change Yuto's nappy I had done it. Granted it might have mostly been because Tate had said it wasn't hard and offered to show me, I couldn't let myself be bested by this buffoon, even it was only at changing a babies nappy.

Anyway, Yuto grew on me, he was a cheerful kid, very bright despite his father's genes and he actually took to me. I think it must have been when he took his first steps, that I had known this kid to be part of my family of sorts now. I had visited Mai on a weekend for coffee and when I had come into the living room Yuto had seen me and pulled himself up, walking a few tiny steps towards me. Mai had burst into tears spontaneously, then cursed that she hadn't had a camera ready and I had picked the little guy up and hugged him as tight as I could without fear of hurting him.

"You'll be back to cooking for your guys and cleaning up after them in no time," I joked, earning another soft shove form Mai. I let myself fall over on the next cushion.
"did you hear anything from Midori?" I asked. She had not been around since the initial meeting yesterday morning. Last night I had been to agitated after running into Shizuru to waste a thought on it, but not seeing Midori with her usual energy bustling around today was something that didn't escape my notice. However, Mai shook her head. "She told me this morning when I ran into her that she put Yukino and Shiho down for patrol tonight and that she planned on setting you up with Fujino for tomorrow. Other than that she was rather tight lipped, saying she'd be going through the books again."
I scrunched up my nose, ignoring the way my stomach churned at the mention of going on patrol with Shizuru, this really wasn't the Midori I remembered. "Should we be worried about her? This is not the way I remember her."
"I don't think so, maybe the years of teaching calmed her down. I bet you as soon as she has a lead, she'll be the first in line to go after it." Mai assured me. I wasn't convinced, something had stricken me as off but then again, Mai was better at knowing people and she had talked with Midori yesterday whereas I hadn't.I pulled myself up in a standing position and walked over to the little kitchenette, grabbing the water boiler and offering Mai a cup of tea, but she declined. She picked up her laptop and said she would get going.
As she opened the door to leave, she called me over.

"What's wrong?" I wanted to know as I put the pack of teabags down.
Mai held up a with envelope. "It was taped to your door."
Immediately I was next to her, almost tearing the envelope from her hands, turning it over. There was nothing written on either side, so I pulled out the piece of paper from the inside. I didn't even need to read the words, one look at this handwriting and I knew the sender, I would always recognise Shizuru's elegant style. Maybe I paled, maybe not, however Mai immediately looked worried and tried to peer at the letter in my hand. "Are you okay, who send this?"
Quickly I slipped it back into the envelope, whatever the content it was not for Mai's eyes and I guessed I would like solitude to read it. "It's nothing to worry about, Mai. Just a private note." I tried to ease her concerns.

It must have been the wrong thing to say for her eyebrow immediately shot up. "Is it from Shizuru?"
"Maybe," I averted my eyes. For as much as I loved Mai, she was the last person I wanted to talk to about Shizuru right now. I didn't even know if I wanted her to talk me out off thinking about Shizuru again or in to it. I needed space to make up my mind, that, and time to think it through.
"What did she write?" Mai tried to peek again, even though the paper was folded closed.
"I don't know, I didn't read it yet!" I snapped, then mumbled a "sorry" when I saw Mai looking hurt. Luckily for me however at least she seemed to get it and opened the door again.
"If you want to talk later, I'll be in my room." She offered and left.

I went back to finishing the cup of tea I had started before I picked the letter up again and pulled it out of its envelope. Slowly I read it through. It wasn't so much a letter as a note, stating that Shizuru regretted how our conversation had gone yesterday and if I would like to come to her room later and try talking again.
The same anger I had felt last night came over me again as I crumpled the note up in my clenched fist. How could she ask for this?
But deep down, I recognised this behaviour from Shizuru, she had used it with everybody back in school, everybody but me. Requesting things in a breezy tone and expecting them to be done, and usually her expectations were fulfilled. Being treated like everybody else by her had me seething.

In an effort to not smash the teacup by throwing it against the nearest wall I gripped it tighter in my hand, disregarding how the heat stung my palm. It was pathetic but I already knew I would go to her room. I was not willing to talk, but I could hear her out if she finally felt inclined to at least explain why she left me all those years ago instead of bullshitting around as she had last night. She still pulled me in as a planet would catch a comet and force it to become its moon.
I had expected many things on how paying Shizuru a visit might turn out, but having Nao open the door when I knocked was nowhere on my list.
She gave me a sickly sweet smile as she opened the door. "Hello Kuga," she said.
"What the hell are you doing here, Nao?" I hissed at her, not bothering with any honorifics.

Then she went and dropped the bomb on me that Shizuru had been living with her, for a long time or so she claimed. I wanted to pay her words no mind, ignore them and write them off as her trying to annoy me, but when Shizuru came into sight, confirming Nao's claims I felt as if the floor had been pulled out under me.
I had been thinking of Shizuru every day, wondering what I did wrong to make her abandon me, whether she was alright and here she was, cozying up with Nao of all the people.
It didn't matter that Shizuru send her out for the moment. I was shocked, enough that Nao's sexual insinuations only dimly registered in my brain.
The main part of me was fighting a battle of storming out immediately or staying and lashing out at Shizuru.

Shizuru, who stood in the middle of the living room, looking like Venus emerging from her shell. She had put on a tight burgundy dress, which made it barely down to her knees, her hair was glossy and wavy and I was sure she had put in an extra wave but most of all the bold make-up she had put on drew me in. This was not the look she had kept after high school, were her colours had been light, pastel even, no, this Shizuru had put on heavy smoky eyes and lipstick almost as dark as her dress.
Even though I was all sorts of angry with her, at summoning me, at finding Nao here, at all that had happened, I couldn't avert my eyes from here. She was still so beautiful, she took my breath away.

"You're welcome to take a seat Natsuki." she said, in that breezy voice of hers that I had realised I despised hearing it directed at me.
I didn't move and she just kept on, walking over to the cabinets. "Would you like some tea, or maybe coffee?"
"Stop it, Shizuru," I croaked, only barely forcing the voice out of my throat, past the urge to simply scream.
Finally she looked at me and I could see a hint of apprehension lingering in her eyes besides the blasé mask she had put on. However she still kept her tone light. "Stop what, Natsuki?"
"Stop acting like everything is fine." I took a deep breath to keep my voice steady. "Just tell me what you want."
Her hand sank down from reaching for the cabinet, she turned halfway to me, leaning her hip against the counter. "I told you what I want in my letter, I simply would like to talk to you."
I shook my head. "I don't believe you."
Shizuru pursed her lips. "Why not? I can't be more than honest with you."
"You want to be honest with me?" I hissed, "Fine, then tell me honestly what is going on with you and Nao, since you wouldn't answer any of my other questions last night."
I saw her eyes flash at the mention of Nao, though I couldn't tell what the flash meant, but Shizuru's next words were evasive. "Why don't we sit down, Natsuki. This is not a comfortable atmosphere with you standing more or less in the doorway still."

My feet wanted to move towards her, hell, I wanted to hug her just for knowing she was well and here. It was pathetic how glad part of me was about having her in my life again, despite all the anger I still felt. But I had to remain steadfast, so I grounded my heel firmly on the floor, not moving. "Answer me Shizuru and quit the avoidance tactics. Is she living with you?"
"Yes, I already confirmed that, didn't I." Just as I had made a show of remaining standing, she made a deliberate move to the couch, sitting down and elegantly crossing her legs.
"Why?" It came out sounding way more desperate than I would have liked it, but I just didn't understand. How could Shizuru leave me after claiming she loved me only for her to end up living with Nao of all people. Nao, who had bore Shizuru blind hatred in the Carnival and who seemed indifferent to all the HiME in the aftermath. It made no sense.

I was watching Shizuru closely, hoping her body language might give anything away. She bit her lip, thinking of what she wanted to let me know, whether I would believe her words. "There was no particular reason. It just kind of happened." was what she ended up saying. She had said she wanted to talk, but she wasn't saying anything. My mouth was dry and I swallowed hard, but I had to know. "Is Nao your girlfriend?"
Her mouth turned to a hard line and she gave up her pose on the couch, coming towards me.
"Would you care if she were?"

Shizuru turned the tables on me. The answer was yes, of course, I'd care because it would mean that I had been replaceable to everybody in my life, from my mother to the woman who had claimed to love me. But I'd be damned if I told her that now, Shizuru of all people ought to know me that well.
"Just answer, for once!" I commanded her.
She came another step closer, being right in front of me. I could almost touch her. "Fine," she said it like I was a petulant child she was indulging. "I live with her and I sleep with her, but she is not my girlfriend."

I felt bile rising in my throat. Nao's comment about Shizuru liking it rough I could dismiss, but hearing Shizuru confirm that they slept together was on another level. A flood of unbidden images attacked me, that I tried to fight of. Shizuru came half a step closer still. I could smell her perfume now and when I turned my eyes down, away from her unreadable face, they came to land on her chest. My breath hitched ever so slightly, but she caught it.
She raised her hand, gently cupping my cheek. "You know you were the only person I ever cared about," she said sounding not breezy for once. "That has not changed, Natsuki." Her thumb was stroking my cheek and I felt sick. The anger I had held under control so far, pierced through my armour of ice, making me slap her hand away violently.
"Don't touch me!" I snarled and Shizuru flinched as if I had physically punched her instead of only slapping her hand away. My cheek burnt were her hand had been, my skin firing up with the memories of all the times Shizuru had previously touched me.
I was shaking, from fury as much as repressed longing. I wanted to believe her words, but they made no sense.

"Natsuki," she sounded defeated and pleading at the same time. "How can I make you trust me?"
"How about you trust me for a change and give me the real reasons on why you left?" I spit out. I needed to know, if only to have peace. "Don't give me those bullcrap explanations like yesterday."
Her eyes turned sad as she shook her head. "I told you the truth yesterday about that. I did it to protect you." She hesitated, then conceded. "And myself. But I can't say more than that."

"Protect us from what?" I demanded to know. Had there been repercussions from what she did at First District, had her family some hold over her? If she felt the need to protect both of us, why wouldn't she let me in on it. Shizuru shook her head again. "Please Natsuki, I can't say more."
"But I could've helped, I could still help, if you just tell me what's going on." Mentally I kicked myself fro offering help to this women after what she had put me through, yet I couldn't not do it.
"You couldn't, Natsuki, but thank you," her voice was fraying around the edges and when I finally looked up into her face again, I saw tears glistening in the corners of her eyes.

The sight tucked directly at my heartstrings. I could be angry with her, hurt by her, furious about casting me aside yet I still couldn't bear to see her in pain.
In spite of everything that had happened between us since we had met again, I reached out for her, put my hands on her bare shoulders and was shocked how cold her skin was beneath my fingers. I pulled her into an embrace, which I might have craved and needed more than Shizuru did. Her breath chocked when I pulled her into me but I felt her place her hands hesitantly on my hips, interlacing her fingers on the small of my back.
Holding Shizuru, being held by her felt like coming home. Her body fit to mine as if she had never left my side.

"My Natsuki," she whispered next to my ear, making my shiver. With her in my arms I could almost forget about her and Nao, about being cast aside. Almost.
Slowly I pulled back, feeling Shizuru's hands fall off me immediately. She was not close to tears anymore, she looked cautiously happy actually, while I myself had a sudden jumble of emotions in my chest. When I looked at her I found myself wanting to kiss her.
The feeling was familiar, I had felt it often before. But I was never sure what kissing Shizuru would entail, if I could give her what she wanted, a real relationship or if I might fail at trying, breaking her heart in the process. I had made me repress the urge, telling myself I would wait until I was sure, when I still had lived with the delusion she'd always be with me.

Now I was sure I wanted to kiss her, but I also knew I would end up breaking my own heart if I did. Gently pushing her away hurt nearly as much
"I can't do this, no like this. If you ever decide to tell me the whole story you know where I am."
I didn't dare look at her face, or at anything. Clenching my eyes shut, I turned around, opened the door and left before my desires might betray me.