This is a commission I did a few weeks ago for the wonderful blublublah on tumblr! Thank you for commissioning me and for letting me post this 3

Ben didn't ask for his day to start cramped in a car with six other people.

He didn't complain about it. There was already enough nagging going around about who should be driving, which route to talk, how much time till they got there—twenty minutes, Ben had calculated… It just wouldn't stop.

After reverting the apocalypse, they all decided it'd be a good idea to get together as a family once a week. So far it'd only resulted in fighting, but Ben had high hopes for this week's trip to the mall. If things got too tense, everyone could just go their own way, and then regroup later.

After all, as excited as Ben was, he was still not used to being part of the family squabbles.

It'd been almost a month since he'd been brought back from the dead, and everything was so new to him. He often found himself running his fingers through the pages of his books instead of reading them, snuggling in his bedsheets instead of getting up, holding his hot cup of chocolate in his hands instead of drinking it.

People. He could touch people, and it was amazing.

But hell, getting out of that car really felt like a rock had been lifted off his chest. His few seconds of freedom were cut short when Klaus grabbed Ben's hand and pulled him up the stairs.

The first thing Ben noticed was how insanely huge the mall was.

He'd been there before, back when Klaus was living in the streets. It was a convenient place to spend the day when it rained.

And yet, as familiar as the scene before him was was, standing there alive was a brand new experience, almost a bit scary. The entire first floor was filled with a people—rush hour on a Saturday, what were they thinking?—and every few steps a new shop had its doors open, with flashing signs and music and everything a mall was supposed to have.

Ben held his breath and tightened his grip around Klaus' hand.

"Next time you run off like that, try not to kidnap Ben," he heard Allison's voice behind him. "We kinda like him."

He smiled, trying to forget about what was going on around him. "Thank y—"

"You may be fond of him, dear sister," Klaus began, and Ben immediately knew it wasn't going to end well, "but I adore him." He pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, and once he finally let go, Ben gasped for air.

"You're going to strangle him," Five said, taking a sip from his cup.

"Where did you even get the coffee?" Vanya asked, quiet as always. "We've only been here for three minutes tops."

Diego sighed. "Space jumped the moment I handed him his pocket money."

Five rolled his eyes in frustration. "I'm not a kid."

"Guys." Luther stepped between them before they could burn down the entire building just by glaring at each other. "Let's calm down and settle on what we'll do?"

"I wouldn't mind picking up some coffee for myself before starting," Allison said. "So we could start with the food court?"

Ben felt Klaus let go of his hand and take a step forward, in the middle of their circle. "Diego here wants to check out a gym-store-thingy or something." He squatted and flexed his arms, not caring about all the strangers staring at him. "Gotta invite all that muscle in his," he patted his stomach, "sacred temple."

"Not when you say it like that, I don't," Diego said pushing Klaus to the side. "But he's right about the store."

For a moment, no one spoke, and Ben's attention was driven back to all the background noise, reminding him of how little space there was between them and all the other people. He almost reached out for Klaus' hand again, to ground himself a little but—

No, that was silly. He was okay, just a bit dizzy. And maybe he had a headache. And maybe his throat was a little dry. But he was okay.

"Well we're obviously not going to have lunch this early," said Diego, "but I see no reason why we shouldn't split up. Whoever wants to get something to drink or snack on or whatever can go get it, and we'll regroup in a bit."

"That's okay by me," Vanya said. "I could use a coffee too, so…"

Allison smiled. "Anyone else?"

Ben really wouldn't mind something to drink. "Me," he said, his voice raspy and quiet and not the way he wanted it to sound.

Klaus pouted. "You're breaking up with me?"

Oh. Klaus wasn't coming. He was staying with Diego.

Maybe it wasn't too late for Ben to say he changed his mind. He could get some water when they stopped for lunch, and keep Klaus company. Then again, he'd been standing there looking at him like an idiot for enough time already, and he didn't want to seem desperate. Not in front of the others.

"I'll be back for you," Ben joked, trying to lighten the mood a bit, and gave Klaus a pat on his shoulder.

"Stabbed in the back by my own brother," Klaus mumbled and shook his head, but a smile was visibly growing on his face. "Don't think I'll forget about this, Benjamin."

Ben smiled thinly. "I'm sure you won't."

"Ready to go?" Allison asked, pointing towards the escalators.

"I'll come with," Five said before downing the last of his coffee, then throwing the cup in the bin next to him. "This one wasn't strong enough."

"Isn't this your fifth cup today?" Vanya asked as the four of them stood on the escalator.

Ben never heard Five's reply. He was too bothered by how tight everything felt, their bodies close to each other, surrounded by strangers. He could feel someone's bag rubbing against his calf, even though his jeans were long, covering his skin. He almost tripped when they reached the top—none of his siblings noticed, too busy chatting about things Ben couldn't pay attention to—but he regained his balance and followed them quietly.

The further up they went, the worse it became.

The top floor—the food court—was almost as cramped with people as the entrance of the mall, maybe even more, only this time most of them were holding paper plates or trays with their food. Ben did his best not to bump into them, and even when it was all over, he kept staring into the crowd, making sure no one brushed against him.

"… you want?"

Ben jumped, turning to his right, only to see all three of his siblings staring at him. He cleared his throat. "Sorry?"

"I said, what do you want?" Allison repeated her question, and it was only then that Ben realised they had been standing in front of a counter to order their drinks.

He stood still for a few seconds, his ears warming up from embarrassment, while the rest of his body turned cold. "I, uh…" He anxiously looked around. "I'll have what Vanya had."

Vanya smiled at him, and Allison finished up the order. In just a few minutes, Ben had a cold cup of… whatever it was he ended up ordering, in his hands. He took a sip and his nose immediately wrinkled; mocha. Ben didn't like mocha.

"Let's go find the others," Allison said, and they started walking again.

Ben held his cup close, nervously chewing on the plastic straw, sometimes even daring to take a sip—it wasn't as if he could just throw the coffee away right after ordering it. He held his cup up, to see how much was left. He was going to be busy for a while.

He sighed, taking a step forward, only to realise his siblings were nowhere to be found.

Ben had been left behind.

That was okay. He'd just meet everyone on the ground floor. He looked around him, trying to spot the closest escalators, but his view was being blocked by a sea of people.

Ben was right in the middle of it. Right in the middle of said sea, and a new wave was coming, then another one, then another one. He did his best to ignore the sinking feeling in his heart, to find his ground again after feeling like he was floating, but everything was hazy, blurry, confusing, scary—

There were voices. People talking, yelling, laughing, kids screaming and crying, and somewhere in the distance he could hear a dog barking, and all the sounds, they were piercing through his ears, and—

He spun around, only to bump into someone. He was being glared at, but he couldn't form an apology, and instead lost his footing, dropping his drink. His hands were now free, and the illusion—no, it wasn't an illusion, it couldn't be—of falling was getting more and more intense, and Ben tried to cover his head before the impact with the ground—

There was no impact. Ben wasn't falling. He was spinning, or maybe everything else was, and he was alone and—

His stomach growled, threatening him to do something, anything, to get out of this situation, but there was nothing that could get him away from everyone, so Ben just stood there, hands wrapped around his stomach, trying to block everything that was being thrown at him.

The sight of nothing but people, the sound of footsteps against the ground, the smell of all different kinds of foods, the faint taste of bitterness in his mouth, the touch of all the strangers' bodies brushing against his own, the fuzziness, the mumbles, the nausea, the dryness, the tightness, blurs, ringing, sickness, drought, suffocating—

—a flash of blue. Then another. Then nothing.

His body hurt. His head, his chest, his stomach. He was still falling as he looked around frantically, trying to spot Klaus, his family, anyone, anyone at all, but there was no one, nothing—

"…at me."

Ben flinched away from the sound, wherever that was, his body brushing against the ground, until his back hit a wall, and the ringing came back. He tried to focus, to see what was happening, but everything was blurry, blurry and uneven and unknown and hostile and he needed to disappear before he made everything else do.

"It's me," the voice said, and Ben didn't have anywhere to run to this time. Instead, he brought his knees closer, burying his head in them, and covered it with his hands. "Ben, it's me, it's Five, look at me!"

Ben crept his eye open, his vision slightly fixing itself until it finally focused on—

Five.

"I don't—" Ben tried to speak, but his throat blocked his words. "I don't understand, how… how can you be—how am I—?"

"Breathe," Five said, slowly placing his hand on top of his, but Ben flinched away again. "Give me your hand, Ben," he said, but Ben couldn't process any of the words spoken. "Come on, give me your hand."

His hand.

Ben nodded and hesitantly reached out for Five. It wasn't until Five took hold of him that he realised how much he was shaking. Five guided their hands to his heart, Ben's heart. "I need you to breathe with me," he said. "Breathe, Ben, can you do that? Breathe."

He did his best to follow Five's instructions.

Inhale.

Hold.

Exhale.

Hold.

Repeat.

Ben felt like a little kid, hiding behind the counter on a mission, struggling to hold himself together right after slaughtering a bunch of strangers, fighting to push on through the tear in his stomach and the tear in his heart.

Five had always been there then, to hold his hand the same way he did now, until Ben was well enough to at least pretend he wasn't hurting anymore.

Until he disappeared.

"Can you breathe on your own?" Five asked after a while. Ben nodded, and so Five started to pull his hand away, but Ben didn't let him.

If Five was ticked off, he didn't show it. Instead, he sat down, properly this time, next to Ben, his back also against the wall, and let him hold his hand.

Ben continued breathing, only then feeling the tears roll down his cheeks. He sniffled, wiping them with his sleeve, and looked around, trying to figure out where they were.

"Storage room," Five said, as if he had been reading his mind. "I teleported us here."

The flash of blue, Ben recalled. That'd been Five.

What in the world happened?

They stayed quiet for a while. Ben didn't really know what to say, or even if he needed to say something at all, and Five wasn't speaking up either. He was burning up with embarrassment without exactly knowing why, and hoped Five wouldn't notice.

But Five always noticed. Despite rarely pointing it out, he'd been observant ever since they were kids. It often led to comfortable silences between the two. It was their way of coping.

"Feeling better?"

Clearly they weren't doing that today.

Ben opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He should have calmed down by now, from whatever he just went through. He wasn't a kid anymore. He wasn't dead. He was okay, or at least he should have been, so why couldn't he just—

"I get them too," Five snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Get what?" Ben asked a little bit too quickly.

Five sighed. Ben could see the hesitance in his eyes—they always betrayed his emotions.

"Panic attacks," he finally said. "After coming back from years of isolation, sensory overlords are to be expected."

Oh.

A sensory overlord. Yeah. That made a lot of sense.

Ben felt stupid for not realising earlier. The signs were all there. He could always tell when Klaus went through one—his senses slowly coming back after a fix, all his senses becoming more and more vivid—so he should have known.

And now Five was having them too.

Panic attacks. It made sense, after everything he'd been through, things Ben couldn't even bear to imagine, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. "I'm sorry—"

"Don't," Five interrupted, a hint of bitterness in his voice, but not towards Ben.

Ben pressed his lips together. "Does anyone know?"

"That you had a panic attack?" Five asked. "I told the others we wanted to check something out, so unless they somehow followed us here, then—"

"Not about me."

Five mirrored Ben's expression. "No."

Ben wasn't surprised. "You need to tell them."

"No."

"Five."

"No."

Ben sighed. "Why?"

"For the same reason you won't."

Ben bit his lip. Five didn't want to worry their family, the same way Ben didn't. As long as he could deal with it on his own, he'd keep quiet. He couldn't risk having the others thinking he needed them.

Ben suddenly found it really difficult to swallow again.

"It doesn't have to be today," Ben said, ignoring the sensation, "but you know you can't keep it a secret forever, right?"

Five turned his head away. "I'm the one that's supposed to be comforting you."

"You've always been shit at it," Ben said, getting a huff out of his brother. "But you've already done it, okay? I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't shown up. And I don't just mean today."

"Ben—"

"When you were gone, I missed you every single day. Every single one," Ben said. It was as if he had suddenly forgotten about his breakdown. "I'd cry myself to sleep and beg for you to not be dead, but…" He took a deep breath. "And then at Dad's funeral, you showed up, and I started begging again, begging I could talk to you."

Ben tried to read Five again, but he was looking away.

"When I found everyone," Five began, "you and Vanya weren't there. And then I found her book, and your statue, and I—" He inhaled sharply. "When I realised I could save everyone except you…"

"But you did," Ben said, squeezing Five's hand. "You did save me." He felt Five squeeze back, meeting his gaze.

They spent a few more minutes like this, leaning against each other in a comfortable silence, and Ben couldn't help but chuckle.

"What is it?"

"Being alive is hard," Ben said.

Five huffed, but didn't bother to hide his smile. "Tell me about it."

Ben almost did.

He held himself back though. He couldn't do more emotions today. Not after everything that had just happened.

"We should head back." Five said, as if he knew what Ben was thinking. "The others must be wondering where we are."

We should head back. Ben's mind traveled back to the crowd, back to the voices, back to the spinning and the suffocating and the—

"Vanya and I wanted to check out the bookstore," Five said. "It's quiet there, so…" Would you like to join us? Five was asking, in his own way.

Ben smiled. "Thank you."

Five nodded and jumped on his feet, helping Ben up. "How does a shortcut sound?"

Even after they'd left the storage room behind them, Five didn't let go of Ben's hand.

If you liked this, you can also find me on tumblr (evelinaonline) and Ko-fi (evelinaonline)! As you can tell, I've opened commissions in order to save up for college, so if you're interested, feel free to reach out! All my contact information is in my bio, as well as my tumblr.

Thank you so much for reading—hope you have a great day!