Day Eighteen/Week Two

It became usual for Rick to slip in, wake her up without being gored or disemboweled, and drag her out of bed for some experiment/adventure or another. Sometimes he woke Morty first, and sometimes he woke her first. He knew well enough to leave Morty in the hall if he woke him first. The last thing they needed was Morty pissing himself when Phoebe inevitable woke up with a blade in her hands aimed toward a stomach, neck, or crotch. Daytime adventures were another matter entirely. Rick was still a little reluctant to let her into the garage by herself, and it was a bit awkward (for her at least) to be pulled into his bedroom. Eventually he settled on grudgingly giving her his phone number.

There was nothing like receiving a grumpy-ass or downright rude text from Rick or a vaguely anxious one from Morty as she exited the science labs or a seminar. All of Rick's were about when and where to meet. All of Morty's were about how could she please come quick because Rick was being crazy again.

XXX

When Phoebe found out that Rick and Morty were obsessed with his grades, she decided to start working on a simple pair of glasses and a discrete inner-ear device that he could wear during tests. It wasn't like he and Rick cared about academic integrity anyway. Any time he was taking a test, his glasses would scan the document and send the information to an AI version of herself or search the web for it. The inner-ear device would then relay the information back to Morty in soothing, encouraging tones. Her project wasn't difficult for her, but it was time-consuming, and she had to get every little detail right. What she didn't know was that Rick was working on a similarly themed, though differently executed, project of his own. If only they'd collaborated.

XXX

Her phone dinged and Phoebe checked the notification. She had a new message from Biggus Dickus, which was what she had down as Rick's contact name in her phone. It made her laugh each and every time, her own personal joke to herself about Rick being a "big bag of dicks."

Biggus Dickus: Phee. Downstairs. Now.

Despite his long-winded in-person rants, Rick wasn't one to waste characters in a message, nor was he ever polite. She blinked and sent him her typical reply.

Phoebe: ?

He responded almost instantly, and she could almost hear the annoyance conveyed in the text.

Biggus Dickus: Because school is stupid.

Rick must have come up with some harebrained scheme that involved Morty and school. He'd had multiple arguments with Jerry about the value of education as an institution and about his propensity to take Morty out of school. Phoebe stayed out of it. She didn't want Rick to decide not to include her and she didn't want her brother to decide he didn't want her in the house anymore. It also drove her nuts that they never considered a third option. Why didn't they just pull Morty out of public school and let Rick homeschool him? It would save a lot of headache and time spent arguing about attendance and homework. Phoebe decided not to poke a sleeping dragon in the eye and let it be.

Phoebe: Coming

She didn't expect a reply. Once he knew she was on the way he usually didn't see fit to message her again. She locked her phone and put away the textbook on coding languages, resigning herself to whatever the next crazy situation threw at them. Rick didn't say he was in a hurry, so she gave herself the same preparation she had for the past several nights, then made her way downstairs. She and Rick entered the hallway at the same moment.

"So what are we up to," Phoebe whispered in Mandarin. She'd found out the embarrassing way that he understood her when he delightedly responded with malicious glee to her cursing at him. Apparently he learned so he could follow published scientific and tech advances written up in Mandarin. That and he traveled a lot those missing fourteen years.

"Getting Morty good grades in math," he responded, also in Mandarin, before walking into the room. She sighed in frustration, cursing Rick's abruptness and tight-lipped attitude, then stepped into the room behind him and leaned against the wall. She crossed one ankle over the other. Jerry and Summer were here. Summer was lounging on the couch texting, and Jerry was in the recliner facing Morty. Snuffles was at his feet by a suspicious dark stain on the rug.

"Morty, come on. I need your help tonight," Rick intoned impatiently. He grabbed Morty by the arm and started dragging him toward Phoebe.

Jerry stood from his seat and walked over to the spot Rick reached with Morty. "Hey, wait, hold on a second, Rick. You wouldn't by any chance have some sort of crazy science thing you could whip up that might help make this dog a little smarter, would you?"

Rick's eyebrows came down low over his eyes and he sneered, "I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread. Come on, Morty."

Rick's sardonic response had the opposite effect of shutting Jerry up. Instead it added fuel to the fire and quickly changed his request to a hill he was willing to die on. He and Rick both started tugging on Morty's arms, tipping him back and forth between them. "Listen, Rick, if you're gonna stay here rent-free and use my son for your stupid science, the least you could do is put a little bit of it to use for the family—"

Phoebe shook her head, uncrossing her legs and stepping forward. "No, he's right, that's really not a good idea. You do not want to do this."

Jerry ignored her in favor of continuing his argument with Rick. "You make that dog smart or Morty's grounded!"

Summer immediately poked fun at Morty's predicament. "Ha-ha!" Poor Morty, caught up in Jerry's one-sided dick measuring contest.

Morty sulked. "Aw, man!"

Rick wouldn't care about Morty being grounded if he didn't need to drag him along, and even Jerry knew it. Rick might be a genius, but at least where Morty was concerned he was predictable. "Boy, you really got me up against a wall this time, Jerry," he drawled sarcastically. He whipped around and marched towards her, his face twisted up in annoyance at Jerry. As he passed her he said casually, "Be right back Pheebs."

It wasn't until he was already through the door and in the kitchen that Phoebe noticed the silence in the room. She turned around to find Jerry and Summer staring at her.

"Pheebs?" Jerry wheezed weakly.

"Oh my god Aunt Phoebe," Summer said, "Are you and Grandpa Rick, like, friends?"

"Um," Phoebe said, hedging, although her mind leapt to the other night when he'd called her "a friend". Then again, he'd said that to the strange alien he sold his stolen space herbs to. Friend, accomplice, same difference. "That is...I think. Sort of. Maybe?" She scratched her head sheepishly. She knew she would probably consider Rick a friend before he considered her one, and while she was tempted to consider Rick a friend... "We probably will be soon. Possibly."

"Oh my god," Summer said after a moment. "You are."

"Not yet!" Phoebe protested. "More like...friendly acquaintances."

"So you're friends," Summer said. "This is Grandpa Rick we're talking about. He hates everyone. If he doesn't hate you, you're basically friends until proven otherwise."

"Phoebe..." Jerry said slowly. "When did all this happen?"

Phoebe blinked. Why did Jerry sound like that? It's not like they'd run off and killed the president or destroyed a whole planet or something. She didn't know when Rick would get past tolerating her to actually accepting her as a friend, but at least she—maybe, who even knew how his mind worked? —had his respect. She figured she probably shouldn't tell him about the almost getting murdered by a monster and eaten, or about her and Morty stabbing and shooting the custom guards, or about the seeds that ended up dissolving in Morty's rectum. Especially the last part, because of the whole 'Rick's plan to manipulate Jerry and Beth into backing off' bit. Jerry might, well, freak the fuck out. "We sort of...maybe went on a science thing." She left out the part about her following him through a portal and stumbling into the adventure by accident. She didn't mention Morty being there at all. She wouldn't have mentioned the whole 'stealing space herbs and then going out for drinks' thing, either.

"You what!" he exclaimed just as Rick came back into the room holding a small, odd-looking helmet. Rick skirted around Jerry and Morty and stooped down, reaching toward Snuffles. Jerry whipped around to look at Rick. "Are you dragging my whole family into your insanity?"

"Don't know what you mean," Rick drawled.

"Phoebe!" Jerry yelled. "I'm talking about Phoebe!"

Rick's voice, when he spoke, was low and unnervingly calm, as if Jerry were a toddler he was trying to reason with while it had a tantrum. "Do you want me to make the damn dog smarter or not?"

Jerry made a frustrated noise, and Rick proceeded to follow through with what he was doing.

"All right, Ruffles ...What's his name?"

"Snuffles," Morty corrected.

Rick went through a series of commands with Snuffles (sit, shake, roll over), who followed them each to a 'T', even going so far as to use the toilet when commanded to use the bathroom.

Jerry yelped excitedly, "Holy crap!"

"No way," Summer breathed in awe.

"Yeah, you're at the top of your game now, Jerry," Rick snarked. "Have fun. Come on, Morty, Phoebe."

Hearing Phoebe's name seemed to remind Jerry of his outrage. "You're going with them?" Jerry sounded both wounded and horrified. She glanced at him and found both emotions written on his face. Apparently part of him was hoping the adventure she had with Rick was a one-off. He turned to Rick, suddenly furious. He jabbed a finger in Rick's direction for emphasis. "My sister is not going along with your crazy mad science crap!"

What? Now it was Phoebe's turn to be furious. "Jerry," she bit out, her tone making Morty jump. "You're my brother and I love you, but if you ever try to tell me what to do again, me, your grown-ass sister, I swear to Kali I will put your balls in a vice, and not in the fun way."

Rick looked like the cat that got the canary. He was positively gloating.

"Oh damn," Summer said.

Jerry spluttered. "I...well...I...that is…" Rick used the opportunity to whisk away with Morty. Phoebe sent Jerry an irritated look and followed Rick.

XXX

The weirdest part of the whole dream-incepting thing had to be incepting into the dream of Mr. Goldenfold's dream-version of Mrs. Pancakes. They were in a sex dungeon of all places! An S&M sex dungeon. Phoebe was too focused on something else to notice at first, though. "I can't believe you almost got us killed again! In a dream of all places," she grumbled. Then she looked around and saw where they were. "And now we're here."

"I don't see a problem with here," Rick said, his silvery eyes lighting up, shining, as he looked around. Apollo's left testicle.

Morty disagreed. "Oh, man, Rick, this is pretty weird."

"Don't judge, Morty," Rick said.

"Okay. All right, well look," he said, pointing. "Mrs. Pancakes is right over there. I'll just go ask her to tell Goldenfold not to kill us when she wakes up."

Rick instantly objected. "Whoa, whoa, Morty, the trick to incepting is making people think they came up with the idea. Listen to me. If we're gonna incept Mrs. Pancakes, we have to blend. I'll talk to you after lunch."

Blend? Blend? Phoebe opened her mouth to protest but Rick had already gone, running off with a few of the dungeon's denizens. Morty and Phoebe look at each other. "I'm gonna be so traumatized after this," Morty told her.

"Me too," Phoebe said, "some of these creatures definitely shouldn't be having sex, especially where others can see it." She cringed. Some of the weird monster things were truly revolting.

Morty opened his mouth to respond to her but she was suddenly spun and ripped away from him. A tall orc-like creature began dragging her away from Morty. She yanked against his hold. "You have until three," she said quietly. He seemed not to be paying any attention whatsoever, so she took it upon herself to reach for a knife, but the closest one she could reach was still too far away. Shit. She leaned back and went limp. The sort-of-orc, while not thrown off balance, still jerked back a little. Phoebe kicked up and out at his legs, aiming for his knee, and twisted her head to bite at his hand and wrist. He let her go with a howl of pain, and she took the opportunity to kick him again while she pulled out a knife. Then she got to her feet and ran. She retraced her steps but Morty wasn't where he was when she got grabbed. She kept running through the writhing, grotesque bodies, dodging hands, ignoring call. She stumbled around blindly searching for any sign of either Rick or Morty.

A few minutes later and she had almost given up on finding them when suddenly she heard Rick and Morty's panicked voices rise into a series of shouts, both of them saying the same words at the same time. "Oh, my God. Put some clothes on for the love of God Summer! Put some - I'm gonna puke! I swear to God I'm gonna puke! Oh, my God! Put some clothes on, for Pete's sake! This is disgusting! I can't take it."

Even without the shouting aiding in her pinpointing their location, all of the monsters turning in a single direction sent her on a straight path directly to them. She ran into the circle created by the murmuring crowd in time to see a centaur leap out threateningly...and to see Rick in a sex suite. With nipple clamps. And a pet chain. Her eyes widened. She didn't think she'd ever see Rick not wearing a sweater, khakis, and a lab coat, let alone in something so revealing. "Sexual hang-ups in the pleasure chamber are punishable by death," the centaur screamed, "Off with their heads!"

"Fuck me sideways." She knew what was coming. She edged closer to Rick and Morty. She knew they'd have to flee to escape yet another dream death.

"Time to go another dream deep, Morty!" Rick called, proving her right barely a minute later. He hopped up and put the centaur in a chokehold, surprising Phoebe with how quickly and how well he moved. Then again, maybe regularly running from enemies or monsters trying to murder him must help him stay active. Then the device was in her ear again and they were sinking down, down, down…into the creepiest fucking place she'd ever seen, which only got worse when a monstrous man with swords for fingers started chasing them.

"Fuck you so much, Rick," she hissed as they ran. "Cào nǐ zǔ zōng shí bā dài!"

XXX

Phoebe found herself crouching down by a hole in the wall with Rick and Morty nearby. By that point they'd been crouching down hiding for hours. Part of her mind had started rationalizing strangling Rick. Only a little bit though, not, like, to death, or anything. Then again, given what she just saw, he might like it.

"Wow, you know what? I mean, it looks like we could have just hid this whole time," Morty whispered, "Boy, Rick, that was some good thinking."

Rick whispered back, "Thanks, Morty. Yeah, it's nice to be on the same page every once in a while."

Phoebe snorted. "It was kind of our only option, although I did pick up a brick in case we had to bludgeon him to death. And obviously we could have all Julius Caesar-ed his ass and stabbed him as a group."

Rick glowered. "I didn't want to take our chances."

"Aw, Rick, is that you caring," she teased.

"Fuck you, Phoebe," he said absently, staring out of the hole at Scary Terry.

From outside she could hear Scary Terry yell out, "You can run but you can't hide!"

Rick sat up straighter. "Oh, this is perfect. Look at that. Phoebe, Morty, he yawned. He's getting sleepy. Just a little bit longer before he calls it a day. That's when we make our move."

Phoebe looked at him strangely then said sarcastically, "What, are we gonna wait 'til he falls asleep, sneak into his house and bludgeon him to death in his bed?"

Rick rolled his eyes. "No, genius, we're gonna incept into his dreams."

Phoebe's mouth opened in disbelief. "You're kidding."

"No," Rick said.

This was probably about to go as well as everything else.

XXX

Of course it fucking worked. Fuck you, Rick. Phoebe glared at the back of Rick and Morty's chairs as they flew back to the house. All of this for a stupid math grade? That's it. She was sharing her Morty projects with Rick before he killed them out of desperation trying to give Morty good grades. Morty's exclamation of "What the hell?" made her head jerk up first, searching the skies, and then down, searching the ground.

"Shit a brick and fuck me with it," Phoebe muttered. "Of course it happened, and of course we had to come home to it after nearly being killed four layers into a dream."

"Out of the frying pan dot, dot, dot, huh, Morty?" Rick says, in a tone that suggested he had predicted the same thing Phoebe worried about coming to fruition. Damn him, why would he go ahead with the invention if he already knew the drawback? Then again, he probably already had plans A, B, and C on how to fix it, so she felt somewhat comforted.

"Oh, man, what's going on?" Morty sounded bewildered.

"Your father, my brother, is a báichī, a puta pendejo," Phoebe said. "A fucking dumbass."

In the mirror she saw Rick smirk briefly before it dropped. "Well," he said a little too innocently, if you asked Phoebe, "it's possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity's cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty."

Phoebe cradled her forehead in her palm. "Goddamnit, Jerry, you couldn't just take the fucking dog to PetSmart or something and learn to clicker-train the damn thing? Chingada madre."

"Of course he didn't," Rick sneered. "He took the easiest fix he could think of without wondering how it might blow up in his face."

"How the hell are we going to fix this?" Phoebe wondered.

"I'm sure I'll think of something," Rick said confidently, taking the space cruiser into a descent that would keep them out of sight of the patrolling dogs. They landed as close to the house as they dared, then snuck back toward where Summer, Jerry, and Beth sat huddled morosely, collared and chained to a post. Rick leaned out of the bushes that he, Phoebe, and Morty were using for cover. "Psst, Beth, Jerry, Summer." There were relieved cries, and Rick freed them all. Grateful words were exchanged, and then Summer hugged Morty, who pushed her away awkwardly. What was that about? "All right, let's get out of here. If we hurry, we can set up camp in a sewer tunnel or something before the dogs completely take over." For some reason Rick had his flask in his hand.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jerry protested, "We're not going anywhere. This is my house. I'm not abandoning it."

"The hell you're not, bèn dàn," Phoebe snapped. "This is all your damn fault anyway, tonto hermano de mío."

"She's right. It's all over, Jerry. The dogs are on a path to total world domination." Rick glared. "But, hey, at least they know not to piss on your carpet, right?"

"Wait a minute. I have an idea," Jerry said, sounding far too excited than what their current predicament allowed. Phoebe could tell already that whatever he had planned would certainly not help the situation.

"Jerry, stop! Basta! Whatever you're thinking of you'll just make it worse!" Phoebe hissed.

Jerry gave her an unhappy look, then said spitefully like a petulant child, "You can't tell me what to do, Phoebe."

He marched toward the house, and with every step Phoebe's stomach dropped. "He's going to get us all killed," Phoebe muttered, following him. She didn't get there in time. When the five of them arrived, Snuffles, who was sitting within the frame of a robotic body, was rubbing Jerry's face in a puddle of urine. He didn't… He did. Phoebe facepalmed.

"Bad person. Bad," a robotic voice was saying, and she realized it was coming from the robotic body cradling Snuffles. Maybe sometimes Rick's inventions worked a little too well.

Rick sneered, "Ooh, great plan, Jerry."

"I'm so embarrassed to be related to you right now," Phoebe moaned into her hand.

"Ditto," Summer muttered by her side.

"Bring the boy to me," Snuffles said, the sterile robotic voice grating on Phoebe's mind with the wrongness of it. It was a human voice, but it wasn't. It was just a mimicry, but one that resembled a garbled human voice enough that it jangled her nerves. Uncanny valley, Phoebe thought, naming her unease and revulsion. They all stepped fully into the living room, and Snuffles sat down in the recliner, the long robotic legs folding. "You were always kind to me, Morty," Snuffles continued once Morty was in front of him, "That's why I will leave you with your testicles. From now on, you will be my best friend and live by my side."

"Th-thanks, snuffles," Morty says, clearly terrified.

"Begin phase two," Snuffles says.

XXX

Phoebe's eyes flutter open. It took a moment for them to adjust to the darkness of the room, and when they did she spotted what woke her. Rick was just closing the door to the room where they were all being held. The dogs had given them a pile of blankets to lay on, and they'd gone asleep on them in the floor. Phoebe sits up, suddenly alert. "What did you do?" she whispers to Rick's back, knees coming up to her chest with her chin resting on them.

Rick turned around slowly and looked down at her in the dark, his silvery eyes bright. She knew he could see her, or that if he couldn't he would in a moment, and she knew with even more certainty that he heard her. He smirked smugly. "Saving all of your asses, being a hero to all of humanity, that sort of thing. You're welcome." He carefully made his way over to the spot next to her, which was the only place he could lay besides the spot next to Jerry. He sat down across from her with his back against the wall, mimicking her position. He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. "They'll come for us soon and it'll all be over."

"Good," Phoebe said, staring at him. What she wanted to tell him earlier came to mind and she decided that now was as good a time as any. "There's something I want to tell you," she said, and Rick's eyes snapped open. Phoebe was reminded uncomfortably of an osprey bearing down on its prey. "I'm an inventor, too, and with how obsessed you and Morty are about his grades I started working on two projects of my own. I started making these glasses and discrete inner-ear communication devices…" She watched him, maintaining eye contact the entire time. The more she talked, the more she explained, the more she described what work she had done, the more Rick smiled. It was not a soft, gentle smile of happiness. It was a plotty Cheshire-cat grin, and Phoebe had a feeling she had just become more useful, if not more liked.

Rick startled her by reaching out and grabbing her wrist. "After the dogs are gone," he said intently, eyes intense, "and they will be gone, because something tells me that Snuffles is going to have a change of heart because his conscience told him enslaving humanity is bad," he leaned forward, "you're going to show me."

Footsteps in the hall, and then the doorknob was turning. Rick lunged forward to knock her over, taking them both down. He rolled away from her just before the door swung open and one of the canine guards stomped into the room. As her family stirred around them, a new robotic voice said, "Snowball has decided not to wage war on our aggressors."

Phoebe sat up again, pretending she didn't wake up a few minutes before the guard came in, not at all surprised to look over and see Rick, now several feet away, doing the same.