TW single mention of/reference to sexual assault in general, nothing graphic. The TW is on this chapter because of Rick's line about soap and spines, you know the one.
…
January
"Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad, Morty," Rick said.
"It tried to liquefy my insides and suck them out!" Morty shrieked, "It called it 'gut butter', Rick!" Phoebe looked up from the notes on the hair serum she was trying to make for Rick (not that Rick knew that; all he knew was that a hair serum that actually grew back hair or made it grow quickly would be profitable). Morty swiveled to look at her. "Phoebe, back me up!"
"I…" she looked between them. "I'm Switzerland," she said.
"Traitor," Rick and Morty muttered at once. They glared at each other.
"Morty, I just don't want to hurt your feelings," Phoebe soothed. "I admit it was a little...rough at points, but—"
"Oh my god!" Morty exploded. "Rough? Rough! Are you fucking kidding me Phoebe?! You're as bad as Rick!"
"In context it's not nearly as bad as you're making it out to be…" She stopped herself. She did sound like Rick. Her concept of danger and injury and even mortal peril must have shifted over the months they'd known each other. She saw Rick smirk, probably because she'd agreed with him, and she saw Morty with as close to a smirk as she'd seen on him, probably because she'd just proved his point. "Okay, in hindsight we weren't as careful as we could have been, but that just means we do better from now on," she said, going back to her notes.
"Are you kidding me? I live with Rick and a slightly less deranged version of him?"
"Never said I wasn't deranged," she retorted, giving up on being able to read at the moment. "But seriously, Rick and I are always with you! We protect you! We wouldn't let you die!"
"That doesn't stop me from being traumatized." He crossed his arms.
Phoebe sighed. "No," she amended, "it doesn't. But that doesn't mean you should give up on this. We're like...the Three Musketeers. We're like Harry, Ron, and Hermione. We're like Sam, Pippin, and Frodo. We're like white on rice. Sometimes things get crazy, but sometimes they're really good and they're always cool, right? Give it another shot?"
Morty still had a mutinous look on his face, but slowly nodded. "I'll give it another shot," he agreed.
XXX
How did they always end up running from something? No wonder Rick's stamina was off the charts with all the cardio he and Morty did! Phoebe could hear all of their gasping breaths, every thundering footfall, and the weird zombie-like cries of the clones gaining on them.
Suddenly she was hit in the back and went sprawling. Weight landed on top of her, pinning her to the floor. She turned her head and wished she hadn't. The weight was Rick. The clones had tackled him and knocked him on top of her. His back was pressed to hers as he fended the clones off with his feet and one arm, the containment chamber held tightly in the hand of his other. He kept squirming trying to fend them off. As much as he complained about her supposed 'boniness', he was a bony man himself, and his spine, tailbone, and elbows were killing her.
"Morty, do it! Hit the button now!" Rick yelled.
Morty dithered. "I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister!"
"Morty, I already told you, it's not your family!" Rick snapped. "They're clones from an alternate reality possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button already!"
"I'm being crushed, Morty!" Phoebe called. "Rick's bony ass is digging into my spine! Gàn." Morty still hesitated. "If I had to kill an evil clone of one of you, there'd already be a knife buried in your neck or between your ribs," Phoebe gasped quietly to Rick. "What's taking so long for him to do this!" She looked over and saw why. The Beth clone had broken away and advanced on Morty, who she addressed in a sweet, innocent tone. "Morty, please. I love you, sweetheart," evil!clone!Beth cooed.
"Ohhhh…" Morty whimpered, hesitating and looking into her eyes.
"Morty!" Phoebe screamed out. Morty's eyes snapped to her, then he dashed around the clone and dived for the button. He covered his eyes and pressed it with all of the clones advancing on him. They were immediately sucked into the containment box of Rick's.
Rick rolled off of her which gave her instant relief. "Oh gods," she gasped, rolling onto her side and wincing. "I'm gonna have bruises." She glared at Rick, who'd already gotten to his feet and snatched up the box.
He extended a hand and helped her to her feet. "You bony fucker," she snapped.
Rick smirked. "Don't like having a taste of your own medicine?"
"I don't like having your bony ass crush my spine," she returned. She rolled her eyes. "Are we good now?"
"Yep. Good job, Morty," he directed at the boy still crouched in the corner. He opened a portal and Phoebe was more than happy to step through with them.
Rick spoke again as he strode over to the shelf. "Y-You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable!"
The sound of Morty losing his breakfast drew Phoebe's attention from her inspection of her back. Yep, bruises. The sound also drew Rick's attention as he slid the box onto a shelf. "You okay, Morty? Told you not to trust that tuna."
"I just killed my family! I don't care what they were!" Morty yelled.
"I dunno, Morty. Some people would pay top dollar for that kinda breakthrough." Phoebe cringed a little at Rick's callous remark. She was close enough to elbow Rick, so she did. He pretended she didn't.
"Y-You know what, Rick? That's it! I-I'm done with these…insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! It was even worse than the last time! I quit! I'm out!"
"See what you did," she muttered under her breath at him.
"Morty, honey—" Phoebe started to soothe.
"Don't, Phoebe. You aren't like Rick, you're the same! You two are just made for this I guess. Maybe it'll be easier if it's just the two of you." He turned toward the open garage door and started to storm towards the outside. Rick's mouth dropped open in surprise. Apparently he didn't think Morty would actually leave.
"Whoa whoa whoa," he protested, running after him and grabbing his shoulder. He pulled him to a shop. "Come on, Morty! D-D-Don't be like that! The universe is a crazy and chaotic place!"
Phoebe reached out for Morty's hand. "In the esteemed language of dickbag, that means he's sorry and he'll try to take your feelings into account more often," Phoebe cut in. Rick cut his eyes at her but let it go. That was most certainly not where he had been going with what he said.
Morty had reached a limit, however. Rick's vicious cajoling and her gentle soothing would not balance out into convincing the teen boy this time. "You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! And you've pulled Phoebe into your crazy! She-she thinks this kind of crap is normal now! Adventures are supposed to be simple! And fun! Not-not scary and traumatizing."
Rick scoffed and went on the defensive. "Oh yeah, Morty. Yeah, t-t-that- that's real easy to say from the sidekick position. But—But, uh, h-how about next time you be in charge, then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is." He expended a lot of effort making sure none of them got killed, he meant. Phoebe did too. Their adventures might not be 'safe' as in 'this is as dangerous as picking your nose', but they were certainly 'safe' in the sense that, come hell or high water, Rick would make sure they went as unharmed as possible, especially Morty. He'd said so many times that Phoebe could take care of herself. He'd try to help her, but Morty, who was more often than not helpless, was obviously his priority. Phoebe didn't resent him for that because she agreed, and she felt the same way about Rick, who had all sorts of gadgets that he carried around in the pockets of his lab coat that he could use to get out of hairy situations. Morty needed more protection because he was more helpless than Rick, but obviously if Rick were about to die she'd help him too.
Morty latched onto something else. "Seriously Rick?! Y-You'll let me call the shots?" He bounced with excitement, his anger vanishing without a trace.
Phoebe facepalmed. That hadn't been the main point at all. Like, nowhere close to it.
Rick, frustrated, gave in without the amount of begging it should have taken. "Okay, fine. But let's make it interesting, Morty. I-I-If your adventure sucks, and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures. Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month."
Morty easily accepted. "Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good...I get to be in charge of every third adventure!" Ambitious, was he? Well, she supposed everyone one was with something or other.
"Every 10th," Rick negotiated.
"Deal. All right. Well, come on, let's get going."
The universe seemed to throw a wrench in their plan. Beth, Summer, and Jerry all came in needing something: Beth complained about the dishwasher malfunctioning, Summer wanted help with science homework, and Jerry...that báichī motherfucker couldn't open mayonnaise.
Rick tried weaseling out of the adventure immediately when presented with an out. "Wow. Hat trick. All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this. I got to help your pathetic family."
"Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk," Morty taunted.
Chicken? The man had just fist-fought demons earlier for crying out loud!
Rick rose to the challenge. "Oh, Morty, you done did it this time. It's on. I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart. As for you dingdongs...This is a Meeseeks box. Let me show you how it works. You press this."
So he demonstrated. Apparently it if you pressed the button a blue humanoid called a Meeseeks popped out of the box and could complete simple tasks for you. As soon as they did, they disappeared. It was sort of like an unlimited number of genies-slash-brownies who had limited power. They needed simple tasks or else they could have difficulty completing them.
Morty shooed the other three Smiths away, though it was mostly unnecessary. They hardly lingered once they realized what they had at their disposal. They obviously wanted to try out the Meeseeks Box. Phoebe only hoped none of them managed to screw up using it. "All right! Get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win!"
"You know," Phoebe mused aloud, "if Morty can choose an adventure, maybe I could too, except I'd probably have us look at tidal pools or visit a plant nursery or—"
"Lame. That's not an adventure," Rick said, but he didn't sound angry or irritated. He sounded...well, she would say fond if it were anyone else, though she could say 'amused' with more certainty…at least, she hoped it was amusement.
Phoebe continued, "I also think that at some point we should just have a relaxing vacation at a resort or do something fun, maybe a theme park or an arcade…"
"Fun, but also not an adventure."
"No shit Sherlock, it wasn't meant to be." Rick narrowed his eyes at her.
"Ahem," Morty cleared his throat exaggeratedly. "I don't want a lecture or a vacation, I want an adventure, so let's go!"
Phoebe barred Rick's way with her arm as Morty ran to jump in the space cruiser. "I should at least get to drive," she suggested hopefully.
Rick narrowed his eyes at her. "Only one change per day, Pheebs."
Phoebe stuck her tongue out at Rick. "Gǔnkāi."
Rick smiled darkly. "Didn't you know Phoebe? That's where we're gonna be today. I do not have enough booze for this." With that he marched over toward the space cruiser. Phoebe hurried to beat him inside so he didn't get any ideas about leaving her behind.
XXX
"What kind of Lord of the Rings, A Song of Ice and Fire bullshit is this?" Phoebe muttered, glancing at their surroundings speculatively.
"Right?" Rick scowled. Louder, he grumbled, "God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure. Why didn't we just go to Kentucky?"
"Because he wants to be Harry fucking Potter," Phoebe muttered under her breath.
Rick snorted.
"Rick, Phoebe, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things. We're going on a quest, okay?"
"Can't wait." Rick's sarcasm was a little thick today.
"I'm not saying this is gonna suck," Phoebe said as Morty ran off ahead of them, "because I actually like fantasy as much as I like sci-fi. But Morty seems a little...overeager?"
"That's just Morty. He's too easily impressed," Rick replied.
Just then Morty's voice carried over loudly to them. Phoebe pinpointed him and groaned. He'd made a platform for himself and was addressing an amassing crowed. "Ahem. Excuse me! We are three humble heroes in search of adventure!"
Beside her Rick cursed under his breath, adding, "My God, so embarrassing."
Phoebe's own cheeks were burning. "I know," she murmured, also under her breath, as she covered her face with her hands. "I'm all for an adventure but really?"
One of the villagers—a man, by the sound of it—exclaimed excitedly, "At last! Three heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures!"
"They want us to save them from capitalism?" Phoebe could agree but she couldn't say she'd expected this turn of events.
Morty responded directly to the villager. "You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir. Come on, Rick and Phoebe. There's a giant in the clouds!"
Rick rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Beginner's luck."
"Now he thinks he's Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk." Phoebe looked at Rick, who wore a sour expression. "At least this can't possibly get worse."
XXX
"Okay, I lied," Phoebe commented as they were arrested and taken to a police station for murder charges. Not that they'd done it (this time). The damn fool giant had fallen and hit his head on a table! They didn't even touch him! If they were going to prison, it shouldn't be over something they didn't actually do.
The giants forced them to have mugshots taken, then they were dumped in an interrogation room.
"What fresh hell will this be?" Phoebe muttered to herself as two giants gazed balefully down at them.
"Hey, look, we get it," one of the detectives leered nastily at them, "You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, 'hey, he's a giant. Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?'"
"That's fucking racist as hell," Phoebe snapped at the same time Morty stammered nervously, "Th-th-but that's not how it went down!"
"Oh, well, it's going down like that. You're all three going down like that."
"This is discrimination," Phoebe grumbled, crossing her arms.
"I can show you some discrimination," the detective sneered, and wow was it unattractive on someone besides Rick. "I can turn the cameras off right now. The feed's been a little glitchy lately, no one will question it."
Rick, who she hadn't noticed get so close to her, applied light pressure to her back. He wanted her to be quiet before the giant hurt them, she guessed.
"Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done. Real straightforward and fun," he drawled.
"Sometimes there are complications, Rick! Happens to you all the time," Morty retorted.
"Yeah, and Rick and I usually have contingency plans for when they do," Phoebe told him. "We don't just blindly go forth all willy-nilly! If things go South we have safety nets in place, although sometimes we have to improvise, too."
"Admit it, you're just not a great thinker on your feet, Morty," Rick snipped. "And y-y-you just don't ever think ahead Morty."
Morty persevered. "We'll get out of this somehow!"
"Your trial will be in an hour," the detective said nastily. "Good luck." He clearly didn't mean it
XXX
They'd been heckled and jeered at when they came in, and judging by the facial expressions of the giants present, this society was as racist as earth, just in a different way. It was bigs and smalls instead of white and non-white, size instead of skin-tone, ethnic history, or hair and facial features.
The judge banged his gavel. "Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you three very guilty."
If at all possible, Rick's sarcasm increased. "Oh, great adventure, buddy. Rick, Morty, and Phoebe go to giant prison. You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty. You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that."
Phoebe gasped. "Rick, seriously? Not the time."
"We're gonna be okay, Rick." Morty's confidence and positivity would have been inspiring under different circumstances, admirable even. With their current predicament Phoebe just wanted him to shut up.
"How?" Rick snapped. "They took my portal gun. Phoebe doesn't have her dress. This is an open-and-shut case, Morty. You know, what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then—"
Almost as if on cue a suit-wearing giant threw the courtroom doors open and marched down the aisle. "Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss. These little men—and little woman—were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home." Phoebe smirked. Dramatic but effective. Now that's what she was talking about! An ACLU/NAACP but for tiny people!
Apparently the court wasn't quite following along. They sounded as confused as Rick looked. Rick leaned over and whispered in Phoebe's ear, "W-what the hell is he talking about?"
"Dunno, but this should be good," she whispered back.
The lawyer continued, "They're free to go, is what I meant. I'm deconstructing our thing we say. We're giants. Nobody got that? Whatever."
Phoebe closed her eyes. Oh gods was Morty ever going to take this as a divine blessing to go on with the adventure, even after they'd nearly been jailed for being tiny and in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it!"
Damn. She hated being right sometimes.
The other giants did not seem pleased. She was a little afraid they'd be crushed out of spite. She ran across the table and jumped up and down, waving her arms about. "Good sir!" She called, "lawyer from the advocacy group!"
He turned looked around until he found her, then he went over and knelt so he was at her level. "Yes, Miss?" he said respectfully.
"Could you please stay with us until we're released? I'm afraid for our safety."
She saw his eyes flicker towards the other giants, who were all seething. "I can understand why. I'll stay."
"Thank you, sir," she said, making her voice sound as earnest and grateful as possible. It wasn't too much of a stretch given that she really, really didn't want to be crushed by an angry objector.
"Charles Bennington," he said. "But you can call me Charlie."
She held her hand out and shook his thumb. "Phoebe," she said, "pleased to meet you."
"Yes, well, I wish we had met under different circumstances," he said. He stood up and offered his hand. "Would you like a ride to pick up your things?"
Understanding, Phoebe nodded, stepping into his hand. She looked back for Rick and Morty, who were staring at her and the giant. Rick looked as if he'd also been worried about them being crushed, though he didn't seem overly happy about something else. "Hey, you two," she called. "Get with the program."
Rick and Morty slowly came over. "Charlie here has kindly agreed to escort us until we're released. He also offered to carry us to get our things so it doesn't take a million years."
"Gee, that's nice," Morty said. He looked at Charlie. "T-th-thank you, sir."
Rick helped Morty up, and then Phoebe and Morty pulled him up. The giant beat a hasty retreat out of the courtroom with them securely tucked in the curl of his palm. It seemed like time flew by as they received their things and changed back into their own clothes. As they emerged from the changing rooms, he knelt down. "I have to go meet another client, but I'm glad I could assist you today." He pulled what looked like a metal Mentos case out of his pocket and opened it toward them. "My card." There were stacks of business cards nearly laid out, all printed and cut at what would be normal size for Phoebe, Rick, and Morty.
Phoebe took three and passed one each to Rick and Morty. She tucked hers into one of the many pockets on her dress. "Thank you, Charlie. We really appreciate your help today."
He closed the case and pocketed it. "It's really no problem." His eyes crinkled when he smiled, and then he gave Phoebe a boyish grin. "I meant it when I said I wished I had met you under different circumstances, Phoebe. Maybe then you wouldn't be my client and I could buy you a drink, but now I have to keep it professional." He winked at her, stood, and left.
Had he really just..?! "Oh my god, Phoebe, I think he was flirting with you!" Morty exclaimed. So she hadn't imagined it, especially if Morty had noticed. Lovely.
"You couldn't have done that earlier with the detective?" Rick sneered, shouldering past her. "Next time I guess Phoebe just needs to show a little neck or ankle for us to be released."
Phoebe caught up with him and nudged him back. "Fuck you. You know it wasn't like that."
"How would it even work? Would he just use his pinky?"
"Rick!" Phoebe hissed in exasperation. "What the fuck?"
He maintained his bad mood until they got outside, where it only got worse when they all saw the steps down.
"All right, Morty, looks like the portal gun's still working. You ready to head home?" Rick drawled, clearly assuming they were done.
"Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet. You know, we're gonna go find some treasure or something and—and we're gonna bring it to those villagers."
Phoebe groaned. Didn't he ever give up? "We almost went to fucking jail, Morty!"
Rick was on the same wavelength. "Morty, cut your losses. This is obviously awash."
"Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested, Rick, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps."
"More like falling to our deaths," Phoebe commented. "I'm a fencer, not a climber."
"What are you complaining about, at least you've built up the stamina and upper body strength," Rick said.
They look down the stairs to see them seemingly descending into infinity, each step the size of a business back home.
"Oh, boy, Morty. We're in for a lot of fun, and by fun I mean pain in our ass."
"You can say that again," Phoebe agreed.
"Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure," Morty said.
"Too bad that giant lawyer that has the hots for you couldn't stay to take us down," Rick shot at Phoebe. "His little crush on you could have been useful." He sighed. "What do you say, Morty?"
"I say give me a hand, sidekick."
Phoebe sighed resignedly. "This is going to be a long fucking day isn't it?"
"No, what gave you that idea?" Rick snarled as he tried calculating the distance between each step.
"Hey, don't take this out on me. You're the one who let Morty take the wheel."
"Hey!" Morty pouted.
"Just shut up and start climbing," Rick snapped at them.
…
Endnote:
Gàn = Fuck (in the sense of "oh fuck!/fuck this/FML")
Gǔnkāi = 'go to hell'