March, same day
As Phoebe scanned the shelves she could hear Rick and the pawnshop owner haggling over the device he wanted.
"Look, I'm not paying seventy smidgens for a broken defraculator," Rick argued.
"That is multiphase quantum resonator," the owner argued back.
"Spoken like someone with no imagination," Phoebe countered softly as she examined an android meant to aid a space-faring crew. It was tall, humanoid, and androgynous-looking.
"Well, does it defraculate?" Rick retorted, clearly as irritated with the man as Phoebe was.
"Fuck no," the alien snapped.
"Then —then —then it's a broken defraculator," Rick insisted.
They clearly weren't getting anywhere, and Rick and the owner kept arguing the same things in circles. She'd already searched the rest of the store, and apart from the helper android and a few weapons they could modify, she hadn't come up with anything else they'd find remotely useful. She drug the android to the other end of the counter with her, having decided to ask about the android's personality chip—more than a mere memory card, such as in the case of an SD card, a personality chip was an integrated circuit containing data information of an android that allowed it to form thoughts of its own, experience emotions, and have a working memory—when the owner exploded, "Like you would even know dick about fraculation! Your planet just got cellphones, and the coverage still sucks!"
"Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur, so, let's say sixty smidgens, I tell you what—I'll do you a favor, I'll throw in a fart."
Phoebe cut in as she stepped toward them with her prize, "Where's the personality chip for this auxiliary android?"
Rick and the pawnshop owner broke off their argument, both looking at her. "In the safe," he said emotionlessly.
"How much?" Phoebe jerked her thumb at the android, "for both."
The pawnshop owner appraised her in a way that made her want to bathe for five days. A nasty glint entered Rick's eyes when he saw the hungry, obviously lecherous gaze. "For you, I would sell it for twenty-five smidgens."
"And what if I buy the multiphase quantum resonator?" Phoebe nodded at the device sitting innocently on the counter.
The shop owner smiled nastily, openly leering at her. "For you, I would be willing to sell it for forty smidgens."
Before either Rick or Phoebe could speak, Morty came up to Rick, speaking more nervously than usual, his eyes focused on anything but Rick, Phoebe, or the sleazy alien behind the counter. "Hey, uh, Rick, um, you think maybe I could get something from this place, like a souvenir, like, just to have—like, something cool, you know?"
"Not here, Morty. We'll stop somewhere else," Rick dismissed, clearly not wanting to deal with the owner of the current one, "because, you know, there's always another pawnshop." He gestured, waving his hands in an odd half-circle as he did. The pawnshop owner rolled his eyes, then eyed Phoebe again.
"Oh, okay," Morty deflated for a moment, then tried a new track. "I just, um—you know, I thought that robot over there looked pretty cool, you know?"
Rick's eyes cut to the back corner. "Oh, it looks cool, huh? That's why you want it?" His raised eyebrow and tone of voice drew Phoebe's eyes away from her own find to what was very obviously a sex robot of some kind.
"Yeah! You know, I mean, it's different from the stuff on earth, and, you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy, and, you know, I don't really have anything to—to remember all those trips by, it'd be kind of cool, like a souvenir, you know—" Rick, who had finally stopped glaring between Morty and the sexbot, walked to the door to go out, then hung back in annoyance as Morty kept babbling, "like, what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn't even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know?" Phoebe put her head down and bit her lip to keep from howling in laughter. Morty was just trying so hard and it was hilarious.
To Phoebe's surprise Rick caved, pulling out his wallet to remove a few bright pink bills. "Okay—" belch "—I'll—" belch "—I'll pay her tab, here's sixty for the resonator and the android my friend wants, and my grandson wants the sex robot."
Morty froze in shock, eyes wide, clearly not expecting to be caught out. The poor boy looked mortified, so Phoebe cleared her throat and asked for the personality chip. She tried to avoid letting any of her skin touch the greasy-looking alien man's as he dropped it into her palm. "Enjoy," he grinned, gaze sliding over her once again. Phoebe's lips thinned into a flat, vague, polite line. She nodded, pocketing the chip and hoisting the android up to carry in her arms bridal style.
"Rick, you can help Morty with his glorified sex doll," she said, "I'll be in the cruiser."
Rick scowled at her. "I'm not touching that thing. Morty can bring it himself." He marched out of the shop with his device in hand.
Phoebe shrugged, readjusting her android as she followed him. "Tough luck kid," she said over her shoulder, "Try not to take forever."
In the window she could see Morty eyeing the sexbot with subdued excitement as he approached it and tried to wrestle it into a comfortable carrying position. He someone managed to get it across his shoulders, and then he was stumbling out after her.
This ought to be interesting.
XXX
"I think I'm gonna name this beauty here Gwendolyn," Morty murmured absentmindedly as he stroked the sex robot with affection.
Phoebe, who sat in the back fiddling with the android, blanched. Did Morty have to do that in front of them? It was bad enough knowing what he would do with it later.
"I wonder if the android has a name already," Phoebe tried to change the subject to something far less awkward than the mechanical sex doll Morty would be going at it with later. "It could have just gone by a unit number, you know."
"Just don't name it Gwendolyn," Morty murmured, still having eyes only for the robot.
Phoebe shuddered. "Believe me, I definitely won't."
The trip back home mercifully ended without further discussion of Morty's new masturbation aid, and the boy himself practically ran from the cruiser as soon as it touched down and the doors could be opened. "I'll, uh, I'll see you later, okay Rick, Phoebe?" He bounded up the stairs without waiting for a response, and a few moments later she heard his bedroom door slam.
"Rick, how about we examine the android?" Phoebe proposed.
"Why not," Rick grumbled.
This couldn't possibly get any weirder.
The two of them retreated to the garage with the android. Rick cleared a large area for her, and Phoebe laid it down gently. She grabbed a nearby tool and opened the panel for the personality chip, which she inserted into its slot. She'd examined it for damage before they left, so it should work just fine. The android seemed to be in relatively good condition as well, and would only need a little tuning rather than extensive repairs.
It took a moment, but eventually it booted up out of deep sleep. Its eyes opened, staring straight into hers, then swiveled to look at Rick. "You have awakened me," it spoke, and okay, the voice was definitely feminine-coded. The android must have universal translation technology.
Phoebe licked her lips and nodded. "Yes. Whoever had you before sold you to a pawnshop. We bought you today. I am called Phoebe, and this is Rick."
The android blinked at them wordlessly.
"Do you have a name?" Phoebe prompted. "Or do you go by your unit number?"
"I had a name once," the android replied, then spoke a strange name with odd syllables, one obviously in an alien tongue. "But I would like a new one."
"How about…" Phoebe glanced at Rick, who was watching the android impassively. "Edana. Do you like that?"
The android let out a happy-sounding trill. "Edana. Yes. Thank you."
Phoebe smiled. "Good. We need to run through some diagnostics with you and examine your programming, but I promise we'll run through it as quickly and painlessly as possible.
"I cannot feel physical pain," Edana replied, "But appreciate your consideration."
"All right," Rick said impatiently, "let's get started already."
XXX
This time Phoebe resented being wrong. Things most definitely got weirder in regards to the damn sexbot. It was the day after their pawnshop excursion and Morty hadn't emerged from his room for more than five minute intervals—mostly to grab a snack or hit the restroom. She and Rick sat with the remaining three Smiths at the breakfast table. The ceiling overhead creaked and the overhead lamp swayed.
Summer, who seemed faintly like she might be sick, blurted, "So, we're just going to pretend this isn't happening? I'm not saying that's a bad idea—just asking."
Jerry sighed and put down his utensils, turning his head to glare at Rick. "Rick, why would you let Morty bring that thing into our house?!"
"I don't know, what do you want from me? He thi—he thou—he thou—he th—he thought it looked cool, you know what I mean?" He sounded like he couldn't care less. On the last word, though, he glanced sideways at Phoebe, who sat next to him, and added, "Why are you on my case anyway? Phoebe was there and she didn't stop him."
Phoebe glared at Rick. "Way to throw me under the bus, Rick!"
Just then Morty entered the kitchen, preventing Jerry, whose mouth had opened, from saying anything. The teen was in his underwear, bare-chested and barefoot, sweat dripping down his body. "Whew!" Morty exclaimed, grabbing the orange juice and gulping down several mouthfuls straight from the carton. Rick cut his eyes at him while he continued to eat calmly. Jerry stared openly. Phoebe tried not to look at him at all.
"Uahh," he sighed as he set the carton down. "All right, back to—back to—b-back upstairs." He ran off, his bare feet slapping on the wooden floor. His footsteps drew away from them, followed by the distant closing of his room door. The creaking overhead began anew.
Jerry pushed himself resolutely to his feet. "Well, I'm intervening."
"Intervening with puberty?" Beth said in exasperation, "You'll turn him into Ralph Fiennes in 'Red Dragon'. He's at that age, let's just be proud of him."
"Wow," Phoebe muttered. "Lowered expectations means anything is an accomplishment I guess."
Summer had a related but different train of thought. "Jesus, did I really set the bar that low?"
"Trust me, Summer, it's not you." Phoebe placated "I think she's just happy he's normal, teenage horniness and all."
Thumping feet, then Morty appeared on the stairs. "Um, Rick, Phoebe, could you come with me, please—q-quickly?" He ran off again, no doubt to his room.
Phoebe and Rick leapt to their feet and ran to follow Morty. Phoebe heard Beth remark behind them, "Okay, now if we hear squeaking, we intervene."
Phoebe gagged. She would never do anything with Morty!
They reached the doorway of his room to see a pink orb flying around the room as it made a strange sound. Morty had reentered the room, and Phoebe stood just behind Rick, looking around him at the odd sight.
"Where's the sex robot, Morty?" Rick looked around for it.
Phoebe had a sinking feeling she knew exactly where the damn robot had gone as she and Rick entered the room.
"That is Gwendolyn—I-I mean, the robot!" He yelled, proving her assumption correct. She really did hate being right sometimes. "She started beeping and then transformed and tried to fly away!"
"Well, this can only turn out well," Phoebe snarked.
Rick rubbed his chin as if deep in thought. "Strange—that's usually the man's job, you know what I'm talking about, Morty? Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!"
He chuckled, but stopped when Phoebe said, deadpan, "Yeah, that's called being a fuckboy. Are you deadass? You didn't think that was funny, did you?"
Rick scowled and didn't respond to her. "Morty that's my catchphrase, remember? Remember—remember how I—how I cemented that catchphrase?"
"Oh my gods not this again! We have bigger problems than your catchphrase," she snapped.
"Says the woman whose catchphrase is every variation of the word 'fuck' in four languages," Rick shot back. "That takes way less creativity." When he saw her face, he said, "All right, all right, seriously, though, let me grab this thing."
He pushed Morty behind him and threw himself at the now spherical robot, grunting as he tried to hold onto it. "Come on, you rascal!" It thumped him on the bed a few times and he had nothing to show for it except being drug around like a rag doll.
Barely a minute elapsed before Beth, Jerry, and Summer appeared in the doorway. "Okay, unacceptable!" she scolded just as Rick lost his grasp on the robot. "Oh," she gasped a moment later.
"What is going on?" Jerry called.
A small circular opening on the bottom of the sphere slid open and a small, slime-covered something slid out and into Morty's waiting arms.
"All right, uh-oh," Rick said, and Phoebe glanced at him sharply.
"'Uh-oh'?" Beth yelled, "What is that?!" Beth gestured at the small creature, the baby, in Morty's hands.
"I'm pretty sure it's an infant," Phoebe muttered, edging closer. The robot drifted over to Morty's bed, morphed back into its original form and fell down onto the covers.
"Hmm, I think Morty's robot was designed for more than long weekends," Rick commented. Said robot crawled over to him, and he deactivated it and popped open a panel above its abdomen to peek inside. "Genetic compiler, incubation chamber—yep, this here's some kind of baby maker, and that there's—" he gestured over at Morty and the baby— "half Morty, half—" belch "—who—who the hell knows—" belch "Wh-what? It's my bad, guys, I'll—I'll take care of it." And with that he drew out the vaporizer and aimed it at the tiny, red, many-armed infant held in Morty's arms.
Immediately, Beth, Jerry, and Summer all jumped between Rick and his target, and Morty turned his body so that it was sheltering the young alien hybrid. A flurry of yelling broke out, their voices overlapping:
"Grandpa Rick, no, no!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"
"Dad, what do you think you're doing?!"
Phoebe stepped behind Rick, one arm sliding over Rick's, her hand curling over top of his. "Rick," she said cautiously. "No. Let's stop and think first." She could count the times they'd touched deliberately on one hand. Mostly their fingers brushed when they exchanged tools or devices, but on her list of deliberate attempts was her relieved hug when their original world ended, when Rick had carried her on his back, and of course at their funeral. His lab coat and sweater hid the lean muscles she could now feel—muscles she'd been too angry or terrified to notice when they were scaling down a cliff side or running from angry guards during their first adventure. The strange sensation that she'd felt before surged again, but she viciously stomped it down. She could not get sick while trying to keep Rick from murdering his half-alien great-grandchild!
With a sigh Rick relaxed his grip on the weapon. He shook her off and waved it around idly, his gestures growing wilder as he started in on a rant. "Hey, listen—you guys quarantined the house when Summer brought olives back from Mexico, I mean, this thing could grow to the size of Delaware, I mean, it might eat brains and exhale space aids, we gotta be careful."
Morty stepped forward with the child, directly in front of Rick. "I lost the chance to be careful, Rick, I'm a father now!"
Phoebe nodded along to Morty's words. "That's right, accountability, Morty, an important lesson."
Morty grinned, though she could tell it was more for the child still in his arms. "You know, it's time for me to be responsible, isn't that right…"
"Don't name it," Rick cut in, waving his hand in a knock it off motion.
"...Morty Jr?" Morty continued as if Rick hadn't spoken.
"Oh, crap, He named it," Rick groaned, slumping.
Phoebe patted his back in mock consolation. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll still try to get rid of it, name or no name."
Rick threw a glare at her over his shoulder as he tucked the vaporizer into his lab coat.
"Well, dad, it's a living thing, and it's half human," Beth admonished.
"And it was born on American soil, which entitles it to—" began Jerry, probably trying to sound smart.
Beth cut him off with a hand on his shoulder and a savage reply of, "Jerry, majoring in Civics was your mistake, don't punish for it."
Rick drug his hands down his face, apparently done with them all. "Fine, I'm gonna take this thing to my workshop and do a little bit of investigating," he growled, picking up 'Gwendolyn' and carrying her to the door. He stopped to speak directly to Morty. "Do not let that thing out of your sight. It looks harmless now, but it could grow into something dangerous."
"With our luck it's secretly the spawn of Cthulhu," Phoebe remarked as she made to follow him.
"Like the insane clown posse," Jerry said at the same time.
"Yeah, Good one, Jerry, 2003 just called, it wants its easy target back," Rick sneered.
Phoebe looked back and waved at him. "You know where to find us if you need us." On the stairs she said to Rick, "What are you thinking?"
"Well, if our stupid family won't let me kill the little monster I have to get rid of it another way."
"We're not abandoning it somewhere," she told him sharply.
"Oh, god, don't get all maternal rage on me," Rick sneered, "I was suggesting adopting it out to its own kind—you know, whatever the hell it's mixed with. It had to come from somewhere."
"Don't make me push you down the rest of these stairs," Phoebe muttered dangerously. "This isn't a gender thing. No one else wants you to off or ditch him either."
"Yeah, well, nearly everyone else here is an idiot. I didn't expect you to side with them, I expected you to act a bit more rationally."
"Well I for one think it's rational to not want to commit infanticide," Phoebe snapped as they hit the last step and turned into the kitchen.
"You'll think it's the most rational thing in the world after it tries to eat your face off," Rick snapped back, kicking on the door. "Edana, open the door!"
The sound of light footsteps, then the lock clicked and the door swung open. Edana stood there, mechanical fingers curved over the knob. She trilled happily. "Phoebe! Rick!" She stood to the side to give them room to pass by. "Is that a robot meant for reproduction?" Edana walked over curiously. Her programmed personality was highly curious, intended to be helpful and caring. They could tell from the chip, though, that the previous owner had done some modifications, so she was a bit more cheerful, empathetic, and sensitive than originally intended, making her chip more unique than those running on their initial settings.
"Yeah, it's a sex robot with reproduction technology," Phoebe replied, "Rick is gonna crack it open and see where it came from so we can know the origins of the kid that it created with Morty."
Edana made an excited-interested noise and stood angled so she could see Rick at work.
"I have no idea why you treat the android like it's a person," Rick said as he laid 'Gwendolyn' down on the table in the space that had previously been occupied by Edana. He opened the front panel of the sexbot again, then started probing around with his tools.
"She basically is. Her personality chip has been altered to be more unique—I'd say, given how non-standard her responses and reactions are, that she was modeled after someone, maybe a lost family member, friend, or crewmate, though gods knows how she then ended up in a pawnshop, and she can't tell us because her memory was wiped."
"All of her feelings are manufactured and pre-set," Rick boredly disagreed. "She's a toaster that's been programmed to cry, nothing more."
"All of her feelings are based on whoever she was meant to emulate," Phoebe argued. "She reacts and thinks how that person would have, making her emotions and ideas real."
The entire time, Edana's head whipped back and forth between them as they spoke, following what had quickly become an old argument. They'd already had similar debates twice before in the single night they'd had her with them.
"So your best defense is that she's a mechanical clone," Rick sneered as he removed one leg and the head of 'Gwendolyn'.
"If that still means she's a person, then yes. She's more sentient than that weird breeding machine you're taking apart right now, at any rate," Phoebe replied. "She can think and feel for herself, as long as it's within the bounds of her personality. I'd argue that human beings are the same way. All of us act and react based on the ways our brains are wired, and our brains themselves are programmed—maybe not quite so literally, but by genetics, by our environment, by our experiences, our cultures, our religions. We're not that different. Our brain is just—it's just a huge organic circuit board. In fact, have you heard of NeuroGrid? It's supposed to be a circuit board made here on Earth that's modeled after the human brain." Phoebe realized she'd been waving her arms around more expressively than even Rick tended to. She scowled down at herself and sat on her hands to try to keep them from moving.
Rick wasn't even looking at her as he continued to prise apart and inspect different parts of the robot. Phoebe moodily moved in to help him, turning over discarded parts in her hands and looking at the wiring of the bot. She hadn't seen nearly as much alien tech as he had, but there might be a small insignia or symbol that he'd missed on first glance. "What are you thinking?" Phoebe murmured.
"That I'm going to hook it up to the scanner that's already hooked up to my laptop and do a diagnostic scan, and that you should get your spare dress out of the cruiser and change into it to save time if we need to grab the kid and leave."
Phoebe did just that, retrieving it from the back and pulling her shirt off when she stepped behind the privacy screen that they'd shoved into the corner for any emergency changing that took place in the garage. She unzipped the dress, a plain soot gray, and carefully stepped into it, gently shimmying it up her body. As Edana zipped her up (something she could do on her own, but which took longer), the door opened and closed, and she realized it hadn't been locked after they came in. Peeking around the edge of the partition, she saw Summer walking across the room to Rick.
"Whatcha doin'? And Where's Phoebe?"
"Here," Phoebe called, stepping into view.
"Well, I can't solve the problem my way, thanks to your family's primitive biological hang-ups—" his hand slipped, and he gave the robot a disgusted glare. "gross, I might have just touched one of Morty's loads—but maybe I can find suitable parents for Morty Jr on this robot's home world." He fished out a cable and hooked it into the small device attached to his laptop, just as he said he would. They used a similar method to run diagnostics on Edana, though her cable had been in a compartment in her ankle, of all places, and they'd searched for far longer. "...which is…" Rick waited with baited breath as the computer read the information it gathered. "Gazorpazorp in the Andromeda system," he finished. He walked towards the large garage door, the one that admitted the cruiser, and made a shooing motion at Summer. "Scoot, Summer."
"Don't you need a new companion now that Morty's in the family way?" Summer suggested hopefully. Phoebe shook her head as she and an enthusiastic Edana stepped up beside Rick, who had withdrawn his portal gun.
"I don't do adventures with chicks, Summer."
"Oh, right, that's rich." She tossed her head, her ponytail swishing. "You take Aunt Phoebe with you all the time. Why is she different?"
"She has a point," Phoebe added, receiving a dirty look for her comment.
"Because she's deadly with a blade and won't annoy the hell out of me. She's also not a chick." Rick opened the portal, the swirls of green whirling against the cruiser entrance.
Summer stared at them confusedly, then marched in front of them to confront them with her back to the portal. "Even if Aunt Phoebe has a secret wiener, I think she still qualifies as a woman." She crossed her arms petulantly. "Why won't you take me? Even that android is going, and it's obvious that there's not something about having a wiener or being a dude that would make me better at walking through a hole."
Suddenly a large red arm reached through and grabbed her, pulling her through. A high-pitched scream reached their ears.
"Oh fuck," Rick muttered, jumping through. Phoebe grabbed onto Edana with one hand and pulled the electrocution ray out of one of the concealed pockets with the other, leaping through after Rick with the confused android in tow. They stepped through, Phoebe and Rick without breaking stride, though Edana stumbled a bit. She quickly regained her footing, though, and then the three of them were pursuing Summer and her kidnapper, a large red alien with four arms speeding toward a group of similar individuals. It had Summer thrown over one shoulder, her legs kicking and her arms waving as she thrashed around. "Grandpa Rick! Aunt Phoebe! Ugh! Help! Help! Aah! Aah!"
The group converged on her once her captor reached them, and Summer screamed again. Phoebe took aim, shooting the closest red body. Rick had the same idea, also opening fire. In a matter of seconds all six creatures were dead. Rick's gun left holes clean through those he shot. The ones Phoebe shot were vaguely smoking, and a smell not unlike pork reached her nostrils. The charge of the electrocution ray must have cooked their internal organs.
A single pale hand waved through one of the gaping holes, and Phoebe realized that that particular creature must have fallen on top of Summer. A moment later, the teen crawled through the hole looking only slightly worse for wear. Judging by the steam coming from the opening in the corps, and the lack of grime and grossness on Summer, the gun Rick used had mercifully cauterized the mortal wound he gave the creature, so Summer was spared being covered in blood and innards. She did have a few scratches on her arms, and her hair had become disheveled. Her new yellow top was slightly askew. Rick stepped forward to give her a hand. "Still think it's a good idea to go through holes without a wiener?"
Phoebe, who had by that point reached his side with Edana still following, nudged him. "Don't be such a fucking dickbag, Rick."
"Aunt Phoebe is here," Summer replied defiantly, looking at Phoebe, whose appearance apparently gave her already blazing dissatisfaction at being left behind new fire. "And she brought that android, too. I don't think either of them are men or have wieners."
"No, but they have guns and knives," Rick said. "Did you learn your lesson or not?"
Some of the terror from before returned to her face. "I want to go home"
Rick snorted, "Yeah, no duh." He pulled the portal gun out, but just then a large hunk of dirt came flying and knocked it out of his hand. "Ugh! Son of a bitch," he hissed. A bruise was already forming. If that had been a rock, it probably would have broken his hand, she thought. Instead, she said, "This is why each of us should have one. In case something like this happens."
Rick glowered at her. "Not the goddamn time, Pheebs."
Summer gasped. When they followed her line of sight, it was clear why. Another snarling band of red creatures was stomping around at the top of the hills around them, ready to charge down at any moment.
"Great," Rick snapped, "Now I have to take over a whole planet because of your stupid boobs, Summer."
Phoebe stepped on his foot. Hard. "Now who's not helping." They braced themselves.