A/N: Rick introduces Phoebe to some old friends. Phoebe meets a few familiar faces and spends a few hours drinking with them. As always, TW for alcohol consumption.
...
End of March
"Phoebe," the voice hissed, so close but so far away. "Wake up...Phoebe…" Was there an earthquake? Why was everything shaking…?
As Phoebe came out of her dream, she realized that the voice was really Rick calling her name. He was bent low over her bed, a hand on her shoulder. Edana stood behind him holding something. He was close enough that she could feel his body heat, his breath, in the air around her bed. Something warm, like a tiny garden snake with a body of hot coils, slithered through her stomach. It twisted the way it had a few other times, but more intensely, as his face swam into focus above hers. Rick's silvery eyes gleamed in the light from the window, as uncanny as ever.
"Rick," she whispered hoarsely, struggling to sit up. "Wha—I thought we agreed we were going out Thursday night?"
"Phoebe, it is Thursday night." Rick sounded amused with a touch of concern.
Phoebe groaned and rubbed at her eyes. "Ugh, I'm sorry, I must have totally spaced. I put in extra lab hours, first to catch up and then to get ahead, and then I spent hours grading the lab reports my undergrads turned in to me—"
Rick squinted at her. "Don't you have two weeks from the due-date to return those?"
"Yes, but I don't exactly want them to pile up, now do I?"
Rick scoffed. "I'll—I'll help you through them if you're worried you can't catch up, but right now I need you. Here—" He reached for the shadowy mass in Edana's hands, then shoved the soft mass with hard shapes underneath its surface at her, and she realized it was one of her pre-packed dressed.
Phoebe held the fabric numbly to her chest as all of her awareness rushed back to her and her brain shook off sleep. "What are we doing? Where are we going?"
"To meet some old friends of mine," Rick said. He threw her covers back, and gods was she glad she wore clothes to bed here, all but dragging her out of her warm bed. "Get dressed. I'll wait." He turned his back to stare pointedly at the door. He wouldn't dare watch, but he wouldn't leave so he could be sure she'd actually get up instead of falling back asleep. If she didn't have the next day to sleep in she might have wrung his neck—but no, she recalled with a wry grin, Rick liked being choked. She'd have to think of a different way to strike back if he woke her up when she needed sleep.
"But, like, where, the bar on Barznuz 9? The one on Cragonia?" She probed.
"Neither." Apparently Rick wouldn't be a fount of information at the moment. Sometimes he wouldn't shut up, sometimes getting him to explain something was like pulling teeth.
Phoebe groaned but forced herself out of bed. Her body and subconscious mind obviously trusted Rick enough to think he wouldn't hurt her in her sleep, trusted him enough to relax into a deeper sleep than she'd had in a while, she mused, otherwise he never would have gotten that close without having polka dots in his liver and kidneys. She contemplated what that meant as she made quick work of stripping down to her underwear, sliding into her leggings and gently shimmying into the dress with care. She sat on her bed and shoved her feet into her boots, which somehow moved from her room door to beside her bed. Rick must have moved them closer so she would have easier access.
"All right," she said, sliding her daggers into place and rising to her feet. "Let's go, Rick." She strode to her door and opened it just enough to slide out, one foot easing into the hallway, when she stopped dead. Rick impatiently nudged her from behind. "You forget how to walk?"
Phoebe's focus was on the figure in front of her, which seemed to be creeping toward Summer's room from the stairs. She was a brunette with short, straight hair. Her pajamas consisted of a short-sleeved purple shirt and a pair of Eeyore pajama bottoms. She had a short, pointy, upturned nose, that would have made her look snobbish and severe if not for her nervous fiddling with the hem of her shirt or the anxious chewing of her lip.
"Who the fuck are you?" Phoebe blurted, hand going for a knife.
The door flew inward as Rick wrenched it the rest of the way open. "Who the fuck are you?" Rick echoed.
The girl's eyes widened, going wider when she saw the knife. "Um...Tammy?" The teen mumbled hesitantly.
"What, you're not fucking sure what your name is?" Phoebe muttered, making her flush.
Across the hall, Summer's door opened. "Grandpa Rick? Aunt Phoebe? What's going on? Why are you in the hallway?"
"Who the fuck is she?" Phoebe shot at Summer with a nod at 'Tammy'. She didn't take her eyes—or her knife—off their mark.
Summer's eyes traveled over to the stranger. "Oh, that's Tammy."
"But who is she? What's she doing here?"
"She's a friend. We go to school together. She came over after dinner to spend the night. You and Grandpa Rick were already in the garage."
"Oh...ok." Phoebe lowered her knife. "Well, say something next time alright? She nearly gave us a heart attack."
Summer finally seemed to notice the knife in her hand. "Jesus, Aunt Phoebe and Uncle Rick, what were you gonna do, stab her and shoot her?" Summer's comment told Phoebe that Rick had a weapon in hand as well, most likely an energy pistol or one of their other inventions.
"If she turned out to be a threat, yes," Phoebe replied
"Only if we had to," Rick responded.
Phoebe stepped into the hallway with Rick and Edana. The two human friends put away their respective weapons.
"We'll just be going now," Phoebe said. She waved at Tammy. "Nice meeting you."
"Eh, who—" belch "—who gives a shit, let's get out of here."
Tammy waved back feebly until they disappeared from view around the corner and down the stairs.
"Edana, watch the garage while we're gone. If someone that's not Summer, Beth or Morty tries to enter the garage, stop them," Rick instructed the android.
"I would be happy to," Edana chirped.
"If you need help, use the Meeseeks box," Phoebe added. They'd had her try it out a few days prior and the Meeseeks took orders from her the way they would from anyone else. Phoebe had gloated about that, much to Rick's chagrin. However, memories overshadowed her small victory. Pulling down the Meeseeks box had reminded her of the last time they used it: when she summoned two to clean the blood of their dead selves from the floor and wall of the garage.
Strange how little time had passed since their excursion to Gazorpazorp that ended with Phoebe convincing Rick to make an emergency portal gun for her. Stranger still how little time had really passed since they had fled their ruined world with Morty in tow to slip into the lives of their recently dead clones. The idea that so many realities and timeless existed alongside one another still messed with her conception of reality. She didn't rest any easier after Rick installed interdimensional cable, though it wasn't the array of newly accessible television channels that bothered her, but rather the goggles that allowed the wearer to look through the eyes of their alternate selves. She'd chosen not to look at her other selves when he offered her the opportunity to.
It unnerved her to have a window into their lives. It was trippy enough that they were now living in a parallel universe/alternate timeline to their own, but comparing even more of their other selves to their own past or current lives? She wasn't sure what unsettled her more—the differences, or the similarities. She expected the differences, after all, not a timeline so similar to their own that they could slip into the lives of their alternate selves without anyone noticing or batting an eye. A version of them had died, and except for them, no one seemed to know or notice.
Once in the garage, Edana locked the door connecting it to the house from the inside. Phoebe discovered early on that the android liked having something to do, so she would often suggest things like polishing their weapons, tidying the shelves, or, when there wasn't a visitor to the house that they wanted to keep out of their workspace, removing anything that they meant to discard. Phoebe had also taught the android how to knit, and while the sight of an android knitting felt a little absurd at first, it kept their mechanical assistant occupied when she had to spend time alone.
Rick scoffed where he sat in the driver's seat as she gave Edana a quick hug before climbing into the cruiser with him. "I don't want to hear it, Rick," she said pointedly when she heard him.
Rick rolled his eyes, carefully backing out, turning, and lifting off in a few precise moves. The cruiser rose in the sky, gaining altitude. "I just—I just don't see the point in you investing so much in her."
Phoebe leaned back into the passenger seat, arms crossed over her chest. She puffed up her cheeks then forced the air out of them. "On a scientific level, I guess you could say that us humans are capable of bonding with almost anything, be that each other, a velociraptor, an alien, our dogs, or our Roombas. On a personal level, I think I do see her as a person, and no matter how many snide remarks you make, I can't stop seeing her as one."
"Oh, here we go, another pack-bonding lecture," Rick muttered, pulling a flask out to drink.
Phoebe reached over and plucked it from his fingers. "If we're going to a bar, there's no reason you should get to start early," she said in a falsely sweet voice. "Besides," she added, "You'd be at an unfair disadvantage if we played any drinking games."
Rick scowled at her and made to grab it back without taking his eyes off of where they were going. He kept one hand on the wheel while the other struck out blindly. Phoebe batted his hand away with a snicker.
"Phee, do not make me park this cruiser." Rick growled in frustration, "Give me my flask back!"
"Ooh, what are you gonna do, Rick?" Phoebe taunted. "I'm soooo scared, Rick." She tucked the flask as far away from him as she could manage, which happened to be underneath her right arm. She squirmed away from him toward the door.
"Uh, Phoebe, stop being an ass!" Rick exclaimed.
"That's rich coming from you," Phoebe muttered.
Rick's eyes narrowed, but his hand dropped and with a resigned sigh he put it back on the steering wheel. Phoebe leaned against the door, her cheek touching the icy glass. She stayed pressed against the door until they landed, at which point she calmly offered the flask to her friend. Rick scowled and snatched it back from her.
"I still say you're an ass," Rick grumbled, opening it and immediately pouring some straight down his throat. He pocketed it, pushed his door open, and got out.
"And I still say that's rich coming from you," Phoebe replied as she followed him. "I still don't know our destination."
"Eterni—" belch "—Eternium, home to one of the oldest races in the galaxy."
"Neat," Phoebe said. She glanced around to see the standard fare: parking lots were mostly the same everywhere, though ones in space tended to be full of space cruisers of varying shapes, sizes, and designs. The one they currently stood in was no different, nearly filled to capacity with a variety of cruisers. It looked...oddly familiar, but she figured once one had been in one space parking lot, they'd been in ten. Most of them looked the same, after all. She pushed her feelings of dejavú aside. "So these friends," she started as they walked through the lot and passed by a green-skinned alien with a bulbous head, "Are we meeting them here or are they waiting on us?"
"Meeting," Rick said. He pulled the door open and gave it a little push as he passed through so it wouldn't close in her face. Phoebe caught it and followed him inside. Rick made a beeline for the bar, where he flagged down the bartender, a large ladybug-like alien with dark fur and mammalian eyes and limbs. Rick spoke to the odd-looking alien quietly in a language she didn't know, then headed over to an empty booth.
At Rick's urging, Phoebe sat next to him rather than across from him. As they slid into the side of the booth facing out into the bar, it dawned on her that they had come to this bar once before after a particularly grueling mission. Like the bar from their very first foray into alien bars as a team, this one had a variety of patrons, including more of the purple fish people she'd seen before, and more of the pink-skinned and blonde-haired aliens. There were even a few that looked like Rhograr, though since none of them called out to Rick when they walked by minutes earlier she figured he wasn't among them.
Just then the bartender brought over five drinks on a tray, then returned the next minute with a steaming heap of...onion rings? Phoebe picked one up and gave it a critical eye. She bit into it, and yes, it was definitely an onion ring or something that tasted like one. She frowned down at the delicious-smelling pile of food, wondering things about imports and evolution and whether or not they were Earth onions in space or space onions that eerily resembled Earth onions.
Rick took his phone out of his pocket and flicked to the notifications screen. "All right, they should be here soon," Rick said.
"I still don't know anything about them." Phoebe turned to her friend to give him an accusing, pointed look. "I'm not sure who we're looking for, or how many."
"Three," Rick replied, still stingy on details as he typed out a message and hit send.
Phoebe groaned, accepting defeat, and finished eating the onion ring in her hand. A few minutes more, though, and Phoebe's curiosity was satisfied. The door opened to permit a group of three. Two members were tall and of the humanoid variety, while the third most certainly was not either tall or humanoid. "Welp, the gang's here," Rick said, standing. Phoebe studied them as they approached, interested in who else had managed to befriend her surly, at times downright cantankerous, friend.
One had rather bird-like features, with a pair of what looked like large, gray-tipped eagle wings gently resting about his body. Phoebe initially mistook them for being a part of his outfit, as the way they folded over his back made them look like an expensive cape. His actual outfit consisted of yellow gloves, an auburn "skirt" of some sort, also made of feathers, and yellow boots. A tuft of feathers stood out against the front of his head, while a polka-dotted, feathered green helmet hugged his skull. A ruff of darker green feathers lay flat along his neck.
The other humanoid looked a little like a vampire or a member of the Addams family with her parlor. Like Phoebe she wore a dress, though of a different cut. It was short and sleeveless, coming only to her knees, with her pale blue-grey legs extending from beneath the fabric. Underneath the dress she wore white, off-the-shoulders, long-sleeved blouse. Like the other humanoid and Phoebe, she too wore boots: brown ones that reached mid-calf. A small circlet rested on her head. Tendrils of her long inky hair hung down nearly to the floor. Unlike humans, who possessed four fingers and a thumb, she instead had three fingers and a thumb.
The third, to Phoebe's surprise, was a short orange feline alien, not unlike some she had seen in other space bars. He had a blue nose, a short dark brown goatee, frizzy, frazzled whiskers and unkempt fur. Like the other feline aliens, he had a bald tail like a rat or an armadillo, with a thick brown tuft of fur in as much disarray as the rest of him gracing its tip. Phoebe could see jagged yellow teeth in his mouth, and a bit of bloodshot in his enormous yellow eyes. Like his two companions, he wore a belt at his waist with a holstered weapon that looked suspiciously like an energy pistol.
The odd trio made a beeline toward the table Rick had chosen. The feline alien was the first to speak once the three made it within normal conversation range of their table. "Rick, you miserable bastard, I missed you!" he exclaimed happily but feelingly.
"Squanchy!" Rick drawled, sounding pleased and drawing out the second syllable.
"Squanchy location, bro," Squanchy said as he gazed at their surroundings, "You always were good at picking out the best bars."
"I like their selection," Rick shrugged, though interestingly his eyes flickered to Phoebe for a moment. Phoebe rolled her eyes as she recalled the other time they drank there, when they'd both come to that same conclusion. Had he chosen this location because Phoebe seemed to like the drinks here more than those offered at other bars, or was it a simple coincidence? Rick did, after all, admit to favoring the selection himself. Just because Phoebe happened to agree didn't necessarily mean anything.
Rick turned to the feathered newcomer with an exclamation of "Bird Person!", extending his arms. To her shock, they shared a brief embrace. Given Rick's reaction to her touching his hand at their funeral, she'd been under the impression that he hated such familiar gestures.
"Rick," Bird Person returned in a neutral tone, though he accepted the hug. Perhaps this was just his way, and he was simply the quiet friend. "It is pleasing to see you once more."
Rick grinned, turning when his remaining friend spoke.
"Rick," the other humanoid said coolly, though still friendly-sounding, rolling the 'r'. "Zis is a good place you brought us to."
"Oona!" Rick greeted her just as enthusiastically as he had Squanchy and Bird Person, though Oona appeared stoic in a different way than Bird Person.
Rick gestured beside him to his still-seated friend, and as three alien sets of eyes settled on her, Phoebe stood, noting how Oona and Bird Person towered over both her and Rick despite Rick's height. "This is Phoebe," Rick introduced her with a sweep of his hands.
"So this is the new addition," Squanchy remarked. "Well squanch me silly." He extended a paw—hand? —to her, and she carefully took it, avoiding the tips of his black claws, which were mostly, but not fully, retracted. She thought he wanted to shake her hand, but he surprised her by raising it to his lips for a kiss.
"Au squanché," Squanchy purred.
"A pleasure," Phoebe replied.
"Oh, you have no squanching idea," Squanchy said, releasing her hand. "Rick didn't share anything about you."
"Oh? So he's as stingy with you as he is with me, then? He didn't tell me about any of you, either."
"He can squanch around a lot when it comes to information," Squanchy agreed with a ragged grin.
"I thought it would be easier to just have you four assholes meet each other," Rick broke in breezily. "I mean, why—why waste my breath when you can learn from experience?"
Phoebe snorted. "Yeah, we're the assholes here." She rolled her eyes but graced him with an affectionate, long-suffering smile.
Rick smirked back at her. "Each and every one of you."
"Maybe, but that's why we get along so well with you," Phoebe retorted.
"Rick, I did not know you had found a soul-bond," Bird Person commented, interrupting them. He'd been calmly glancing between them as they spoke.
As soon as the comment—and its implications—sunk in, which took all of half a second, Phoebe felt suddenly flustered, her words jumbling uncharacteristically for someone usually so sure of herself. "I—we're not—that is—"
"Phoebe is a friend from Earth," Rick cut in, a frown on his face. Not one of anger or unhappiness, Phoebe realized, but one of perplexment.
"A bond-mate is nothing to be ashamed of," Bird Person replied, either unconvinced or just ignoring them.
"Well, Rick is my best friend," Phoebe allowed. "But we're not I don't think that's the same thing as what you're implying."
"Gubba nub nub doo rah kah," Bird Person replied, receiving a nonplussed reaction from Phoebe, and narrowed eyes and frown of contemplation from Rick.
"Phoebe, how lovely to finally meet you." Oona extended a pale blue-grey hand as she swept forward, apparently unaffected by Bird Person's accusations.
Phoebe shook her hand with little reservations. "It's nice to meet you, too, Oona." She smirked despite the odd comments from Bird Person moments earlier.
"Yes." Oona had blood-red lips, and her smile, though friendly, was a little unsettling. Paired with her angular features, skin-tone, and hair, Phoebe was reminded even more of a vampire, Morticia Addams, or of a morbid take on Snow White, but while Oona might be unsettling, she was far from unfriendly. She seemed reserved and constantly observing everyone, but completely lacking in hostility.
Phoebe gestured at the booth. "Why don't you all sit down? Rick already ordered for everyone, and there's food."
They slid into the opposite side of the booth in reverse order from how Rick had greeted them, with Oona closest to the wall, and therefore directly across from Phoebe.
"So," Phoebe said once everyone had been seated. "How did you all meet Rick?"
"I vas targeting ze same shipment of veapons as Rick," Oona said, taking her drink. "Vee decided to vork togezer ven vee realized vee could not do it alone, and zen vee split ze profit."
"Oona is a…procurer of items," Rick said, taking his own drink in hand.
"She is a pirate," Bird Person said plainly with a blink of his owlish eyes.
"Ah," Phoebe said, her mind making connections with that small plug of information. She had suspected that "procurer" meant "thief", but hadn't jumped all the way to "pirate". Pirates. In space. Really? And yet, with all she saw and experienced with Rick, space pirates hardly seemed odd in context. How strange—and how wonderful! –her life had become since she met Rick over six months prior. She would never be able to go back to the way things were before, just as she didn't dream of not having her odd friendship with her odd friend.
"We met squanching at a bar," Squanchy told her. "Rick's the squanchiest squancher around."
"Rick saved my life," Bird Person added. "Without him I would be dead and would not be here this evening to meet you."
Phoebe figured it was only fair for her to share, too, so she said, "I followed him into another dimension, fell on him, then saved his life from a terrifying spider creature."
"You followed him?" One of Oona's delicate eyebrows raised in surprise. "And he let you live?"
"I know, I'm shocked too," Phoebe replied in a joking tone.
"Squanch me sideways," Squanchy said, "You must have squanched up quite an impression." He set his drink to his lips, gulping it down.
"If you saw her throw a knife, you'd be impressed, too," Rick replied, leaning back into the booth with his drink held loosely in one hand.
Squanchy abruptly halted his series of gulps and thunked down his drink. "You've got to be squanching me! She throws knives?" He looked at Phoebe with interest, and she smirked in a pleased manner, inwardly preening.
"She's got the aim of an assassin," Rick added.
Phoebe glanced at him, eyes widening a little in surprise. She knew he valued the results of years of training that she underwent, but she had no idea he thought she did well enough to make money off of it.
"Oh?" Phoebe quirked one of her own eyebrows as she sipped at her drink.
"Don't—don't be modest, Phoebe. Y-y-you'd make an excellent assassin," Rick continued, "With your skills we could make even more money."
Phoebe laughed. "Right. Because you're not constantly inventing something dangerous, going on insane missions that put you in mortal peril, or just generally pissing someone off, sometimes a combination of all three. Face it, Rick, you need my knives and you need my brain. Someone has to keep you safe and help you craft and mod your weapons."
"I managed before you came along," Rick protested.
"I've no idea how," Phoebe teased. "Brilliant, but no concept of personal safety."
Rick scowled at her, though his eyes unmistakably shone with affection that did not go unnoticed by his three alien friends, who all shared a brief glance. Despite his attitude or anything he might say, it was obvious through his actions and his interactions with her that Rick cared a great deal for her. Phoebe was less guarded with her affection, but then, unlike Rick, she never set out to pretend that she didn't possess human emotions.
The five finished the first round of drinks, then ordered a second. Together they went through the entire basket of onion rings, which they also replaced with a second order, and put in an order for mushrooms that they were eighty-five percent certain were safe for their respective species. Round three of drinks came, and then they were playing darts.
"Squanch-tastic!" Squanchy cheered, hopping up and down in place.
"You really do have an impeccable aim," Oona commented as Phoebe hit dead center yet again.
"Years of training and now months of mortal peril have honed my skill to a deadly precision," Phoebe nodded, face held in a mock serious and wise expression while using a fake sage voice.
"You joke, and yet it is true," Bird Person remarked. "The constant practice has undoubtedly made you better."
"Thanks, I guess?" Phoebe replied. His quiet, nearly always monotone observations unsettled her more than Oona's vampiric appearance. (She was relieved to gather, through their conversation over the past few hours, that those of Oona's species were actually amphibian humanoids and not vampires.)
"It is merely an observation," Bird Person replied.
Soon Squanchy, Oona, and Rick were giving her suggestions on various ways to "disadvantage" herself to "even out the playing field". They requested she using her non-dominant hand, that she try throwing backwards, that she cover one eye. Someone, she couldn't remember who, even suggest she try standing on one leg. Still, she consistently hit her mark, much to the equal parts pleasure and dismay of Rick's gathered ensemble.
"Vee go on a woyage togezer, and you come to Dankmire," Oona said, inviting Phoebe to her home planet as Squanchy invited Phoebe to come to Planet Squanch with Rick at some point.
"Squanch right over any time!" Phoebe discovered that his name, 'Squanchy', was actually short for 'Squanchy Leroy Fleamont', as all Squanchies had the common name of Squanchy, then a birth name and family name.
"Okay," Phoebe agreed.
"You may also visit Bird World whenever you wish," Bird Person offered in his quiet, stoic manner. "Though I do not know what all humans eat." Bird Person, Phoebe learned, was an anglicizing of Byrd Pursun, which meant something like 'Downy Moonlight' or 'Moon Feather', while Byrd Werald meant something like '[the] Downy Place', as 'Werald' indicated a place, and articles were implied in the language.
"I'm sure Rick and I can make it out sometime," Phoebe nodded at all of them, glancing over to the bar where Rick was paying their tab. Something occurred to her at that moment. Could some of the alien languages that Rick spoke be accounted for through his friends? She knew from experience and common sense that aliens had their own home-world languages, with Oona's thick accent and Bird Person's name serving as a ready example. Perhaps Rick spoke one of the languages of Dankmire or Byrd Werald. Phoebe would have to ask him later once they arrived home, though she felt she already knew the answer. Didn't Bird Person say something to Rick in his language earlier without stopping to explain? Rick must have understood him, which means he probably speaks the language too.
"All right, let's go," Rick sighed as he returned to them.
"It was nice meeting all of you," Phoebe said, offering each of them a smile.
"Remember to squanch us up some time, huh?" Squanchy pressed.
"Yes, vee must do zis again," Oona agreed.
"The evening has been quite enjoyable," Bird Person chimed in softly.
"Yes, it has," Phoebe smiled. "I'm glad Rick has the three of you."
Rick made a noise of protest and put a hand on her arm to start pulling her away. "Don't get all mushy, Phoebe."
Phoebe rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Rick."
...
Yes, I borrowed Queen Oona and Dankmire from Disenchantment. No, she is not exactly the same, nor will this turn into a cross-over story. I kept her Pirate Queen look (and her appearance in general) as well as her accent. I love the Oona from Disenchantment, and I can see her being an old friend of Rick's, Bird Person's, and Squanchy's for some reason. I really hope I did Squanchy and Bird Person justice. I really wish there was more material to work with as far as their characters are concerned. Whenever I get stuck on Rick or one of the Smiths I can just go watch a YouTube clip to get a better grasp on their voice and personality. Unlike many other characters, there isn't as much show material for Rick's two friends as of yet.