Elain
I haven't seen Azriel for a week. Feyre and Rhys come and go but for the most part it's been me in this big house. I bake in the mornings with Neualla and Cerwidean and then someone winnows me over to Emunah so I can teach. I've taken to spending even more time here in Emunah and I like it. I feel a kinship with these people. People who were forced to leave the life they once knew and now are just trying to do the best they can to move on, to build a safe and meaningful life.
My hands are covered in dirt as I place the last of the tomato plants into the soil in our designated community garden. There a four or five others around me, planting as well.
"This was a really beautiful idea. Thank you for spearheading this." A fae male, with hair the color of brandy, says to me. I've seen him around a few times but never spoken to him personally.
"Oh no. You should thank the High Lord and Lady they're the ones who gave the okay. I just do what I can." I say, even my smile feels shy.
"Don't listen to her. She's the mastermind behind every flower, plant and crop in this entire place." Feyre says, coming up behind us. I look at her from beneath my wide brimmed sun hat, she has her monogrammed bag of brushes ready to go, complete with those rare paints I know Azriel got her from the continent. The fae male I was talking to bows his head, politely, smiles and then moves away a distance.
"Where are you guys painting today?" I ask her.
"Over by the bay. I think it'll be calming. A nice incentive to come back next week."
Feyre and her business partner Ressina agreed that it would be great to start doing some painting classes in Emunah for the refugees in addition to the thriving school they already have in Velaris.
"Maybe the next school you can open is in the Hewn City." I say.
Feyre laughs. Like I made a joke. "They're probably throw it back at me."
"Maybe. Or perhaps those forced to live in the dark have the most need to try and let the light in." I shrug and go back to my planting.
"You're right. I.. I'll talk to Rhys and Mor about it." She says, maybe as an apology for her earlier laugh. I give her a reassuring smile trying to tell her that I'm not offended as the look on her face seems to suggest. But that's Feyre. I'm not sure my sister will ever be able to see me as someone other than the shell I first came to the night court as, or the simple sister who tends to the flowers. "Okay, well I'm off. I'll stop by after class and see if you want to winnow home together?"
She knows it's not really a question but I nod anyway. "How is the rebuilding up at the Illyrians camp going?"
What I really want to ask her is how is Azriel. Has he caught the perpetrators yet? Is he really too busy or is he just avoiding me for some reason.
"The nice thing about rebuilding an Illyrian camp is that there wasn't much infrastructure to start with."
"Have the perpetrators been apprehended?"
"Yes. A couple days ago actually."
"Oh good. I was worried." I leave a smile on my face but feel my heart sinking. So he's avoiding me than. "Well enjoy your class." I say ramping up my enthusiasm and grabbing for the bag of summer lettuce seeds that need planting.
As Feyre walks away I try to think about what I might have done to distance Azriel. Had I been too forward? Should I not have pushed him on his feelings about his responsibility for the attack? He had just seemed so lonely, in so much pain. I could have sworn he might have felt a small kernel of something for me. Maybe it was my turning Lucien away? Could he think that I only declined the mating bond so that I could be with him? As if I was expecting him to court me now. Or maybe he just doesn't see me that way and when I declined the bond didn't want me getting the wrong idea.
He doesn't need to worry though. I know he only has eyes for Mor, even if she is away on the continent. Whatever the reason I think his message is clear. He wants space. He doesn't want to be around me. He doesn't want me taking his kindness as anything but what it is, kindness.
"What's put that frown on your face?" The same male with the tawny colored hair who had thanked me earlier for planting the garden says as he walks back over. I guess now that Feyre's gone he feels like it's safe to talk to me.
"I'm sorry?"
He coughs quickly into his arm. "Pardon, that was probably a personal question. You just seemed so sad all of a sudden."
"Oh, I was just, you know, worrying about the night court citizens." One citizen in particular.
"I'm Leehum, by the way." He stretches out his hand. I take it.
"Elain."
"I know. I took one of your seminars on growing economically in a changing climate. It was excellent."
I sit up a little straighter. "Thank you."
"After the class all the males were whispering trying to figure out if you had a mate."
I hope that the mild sunburn that's developed on my face hides the heat I can feel entering my cheeks. "I-"
"I told them I thought you did. Lucien Vanserra, Tamlin's right hand man, right?" He asks it in a way that makes me wonder what other stories about me have spread, true or otherwise.
I stand up and pat the dust off of my skirts, then begin pulling off the gardening gloves Lucien bought me for solstice. "To the best of my knowledge, Lucien is no longer in Tamlin's court. And he and I are not mated. No."
Leehum tilts his head to the side. "Well, that's a surprise. A nice one. I was hoping to get to know you. And if there's no male breathing down my neck for even speaking with you…" He takes a deep breath. "Would you, uh, would you be interested in grabbing a drink with me. The fishing town over has this great little bar where they serve a homemade cherry liqueur with real cherries in them. It's excellent."
"Oh wow. That's-" A large shadow falls over the two of us. A shadow with wings.
"Ready to train?" Azriel asks.
I blink up at him. He doesn't speak to me for a week and the second his shadows report that another male has gotten the courage to ask out the sister of the High Lady he pops up. Anger, rich and boiling hot rises within me and I do everything I can to hold it inside so someone doesn't get burned. A particular winged someone.
"Just one second." I say.
"Sure." Says Azriel.
At the same time Leehum says, "absolutely."
They make eye contact in front of me and I can see each one size up the other. Leehum, rightly so seems to back away first. Azriel has the audacity to look innocent.
"What are you doing here?" My words are even, calm, and I don't keep the hint of surprise out of my tone. He very well knows we didn't have any plans to train.
"Getting you for training. You said whenever I have time. I have time now."
"Azriel."
"I've figured out an approach. An approach for getting your vision completely in your control."
"Azriel."
"Is now a bad time?"
"Where have you been?"
"Up North."
My anger wants to lash out at him. It wants to ask him why he didn't feel the need to even check in. To come back once I was asleep and have left before I'd awaken. I want to ask him to explain himself.
But I don't.
Azriel owes me nothing. He is not mine and I am not his. He really might just genuinely have come at a bad time. A wave of sadness goes through me at the thought. The thought of him not caring.
"How is the recovery going?"
"Good. The physical harm is all but gone. The emotional recovery will likely be slow. It's pretty unheard of for an Illyrian to attack another Illyrian camp when there isn't a feud. And never in the dead of night. It's considered cowardly."
"So it was confirmed that it was other Illyrians?"
Azriel nods. "There are those in the camp however who are slow to acknowledge that the criminals are who we say they are."
"Meaning they think you're lying and pinning it on other Illyrians."
"Yes."
Despite my lingering anger, my heart hurts for him. "That must be very hard."
His shoulders lift gently trying to brush it off. He doesn't do a very good job of hiding his true feelings though.
"So are you ready to go?"
I want to. I want to fly with Azriel anywhere he chooses. I missed him. I want to be around him. Even if that means I have to train powers that I would rather went away. But he doesn't seem to want the same from me. And if I want to keep him around as my friend I need to be clear that I am not waiting for him, not pining after someone who has already given their heart away five hundred years ago. So instead of saying yes what I end up saying is, "actually I already have other plans."
Azriel's eyes flash a second of hurt before he looks away. But I still see it. Instead he moves his gaze to look at Leehum. It's not a friendly glance. Leehum swallows. I gnaw my teeth together trying to contain my annoyance. I refuse to be the person to drop everything for Azriel after he deliberately avoided me for a week.
"Then I guess I'll see you later."
"See you." I say just as stiff.
Azriel stares down Leehum for a moment and then gives a curt nod before winnowing away.
"Are you a, ready to go?" Leehum asks me.
I paste a smile on my face. "Lead the way."
I spend the next two hours completely regretting me decision. All I can think about is the flash of hurt in Azriel's eyes. I accept shot glass after shot glass of the cherry liqueur finding that I rather liked the first glass I tasted. And absolutely loved the third glass. After the fourth glass I noticed that Leehum became funnier. Which was a good thing because I had been close to tears of boredom as he talked to me about his old job in Tamlin's court offering quick loans for those faeries who couldn't afford the teethe. Thankfully this simple bar on the bay, Porto's, that we've been sitting in announces a last call for orders, they'd be closing in ten minutes.
"Well this has been lovely, thank you for the conversation." I say, a little louder than my original intent.
"It was my pleasure. May I walk you back into town?" he says. I give him a quick nod and proceed toward the exit. My feet stumble slightly, whoever installed the timber wood did not do a good job of making sure the floor was even.
Leehum walks me out of the bar but keeps bumping into me. The ground's not very steady though in all fairness to him. When we leave the bar I'm taken aback by how dark the sky has gotten. Other than one or two people heading home, no one is out on the streets anymore. I begin to get uncomfortable with the knowledge that I will let Leehum walk me back to town on a road with no lighting, I think I would rather take my chances myself.
"I'm actually going to say god night. I'm just going to meet my sister. Her art class should be finished by now."
"I think the art class finished a few hours ago. At least."
I rub at my face trying to make sense of it all. "What time is it?"
"Eleven."
"I should get home." I start walking up the lane back toward the town square.
"Hey, wait-" Leehum says. I trip and my skirts get in the way, making me fall. A second before I hit the ground though hands wrap around my waist.
"Thank you." I say, turning toward Leehum to see he's not the one who's holding me.
Azriel is.
"What are you doing here?"
"I thought I'd check and see if you needed a ride home. Glad I caught you."
Leehum is a few steps away. "Thank you, uh, for your company. Have a nice night." He says, already turning away.
"Same to you." And even slightly tipsy. Perhaps more than slightly, I know I will not be seeing him again.
"Did you want that ride home?" He asks me again.
I want to say no. I want to have the ability to walk or winnow myself. My options shouldn't be, fly in the arms of the male who I want and doesn't feel the same about me or make a large fuss and force my sister or brother in law to come pick me up in the middle of the night. But those are my options and so I nod, already guarding against the pleasurable torture of being held against Azriel's body.
Azriel lifts me into his arms and takes off into the sky. I wrap one arm around his neck and leave the other free to dance in the wind. Azriel stays rigid, his arms in a perfunctory hold, his gaze focused on the sky in a way that I know means that he's just focusing on finishing his task quickly. A muscle in his jaw tightens and loosens and I run my fingers over it, anything to get him to relax. And maybe also out of curiosity of what his skin feels like under my fingers. He tenses.
"Do I really make you that uncomfortable?" I ask him.
Azriel glances down at my face and frowns. "No, Elain. You do not make me uncomfortable."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No. I'm not."
"Then why did you avoid me all week?"
"I wasn't avoiding you-"
"Liar." I lean my head back. "If you weren't avoiding me you would have sent your shadows with a message for me."
He's quiet for a long time. "You're right. I should have sent you a message."
My fingers still playing with his jaw, move to his cheek. "Azriel?"
"Hmm?"
"How long were you waiting outside that bar?"
He's quiet for a few seconds. "A little while."
"And why aren't we winnowing?"
"Did you want to winnow?"
I can't keep my eyes open any longer. "Well the only reason you wouldn't winnow is if you wanted to hold me longer. But if you want to hold me you just have to ask."
I feel his arms tighten around me but am too tired to stay awake and hear a reply.
Azriel
Elain is still asleep in my arms by the time we return to Velaris and I land on her balcony. Agony. It's the only way to describe this feeling. I stayed away for a week to try and focus on my mission, on the court. But I hurt her. This past week without her was even more difficult than I thought it would be, and her anger at me, that I could take. But not this, going to get drunk with another male who she doesn't even know. My jealousy had four hours to simmer while I sat on that roof and waited for her to come out of that mediocre pub. At least I've had this time to hold her. Her words from earlier in the night make me grin again.
If you want to hold me you just have to ask.
That was always his problem though. Of course he wanted to hold her. But there was no exploring things with Elain. It's not like he could just start seeing her, become romantic with her and than when Lucien got back or Mor-
He didn't even know. His feelings for Mor had been so long winded, and he knew she didn't feel the same about him. If she had, she would have put him out of his misery a long, long time ago. And Elain- No matter what she said, whatever they agreed, she still has Lucien. The bond isn't dead they're just waiting on it.
My feet pad silently across her bedroom floor and pull down the quilts on her bed. Even though I don't want to stop holding her I lay her down on her mattress. I've had my time of peace, of holding her in my arms while flying over the land I love so much. My hand's unlink her hold on my clothes, unwind her arm from my neck. Her eyes flutter open.
"No. Stay. Stay a little longer." She says, pulling at my hand. Scooting over in bed.
"I should go."
"But you don't want to." She says. "Stay."
I know I shouldn't. Every part of me is telling me that this is a bad idea. Once I get into that bed I don't know if I'll have the strength to leave her.
"Please." She says, already almost asleep. Her fingers are still entwined with mine.
And so, against my better judgment I toe off my boots and climb in beside her. She immediately snuggles against me, her head in the hollow space between my neck and shoulder. Her scent, no longer dulled by the wind, hits me again in full force and I move closer to the smell of orchids and soil. My lips caress her forehead and rest there. I close my eyes for a moment knowing I'll need to let her go in a few minutes. But I can take a few minutes.
When I open my eyes, Elain's awake. She's staring at me. The glass door to her balcony is open slightly and the birds have begun to sing even though there is still only moonlight shining in through her windows. We stare at each other letting the sounds of the nightingales outside fill the silence. Her fingers find my cheek. There are things I want to say to her, explanations, but I stay quiet not wanting to ruin this moment. When her fingers hover over my lips I part them kissing the tips of her fingers. She pauses, looking at me, a question in her eyes.
"Are you going to disappear again once I wake up?" She asks, her voice no louder than I whisper.
No. I'm never going to leave you again. I want to tell her. "I'm not sure." Is what I actually say. Because I don't really know what the dawn will bring. I don't know what I'm doing. With her in her bed. All I know is I can't stay away. I don't want to. I missed her so much, her gentle presence, her warm smiles and the peace that radiates from her as beautiful as the flowers she plants.
This strange in between place with us both standing on the precipice but neither of us seeming ready to step off. Because she has a cauldron declared mate and even if they aren't together now…they will be, one day. And I don't deserve her. Even if she might care about me, for reasons I can't comprehend.
"What are you thinking?" She asks me.
My hand caresses the side of her arm. "I'm thinking I don't deserve to touch you. That I don't want to taint the beauty and peace that emanates from you with my scarred hands that have done countless atrocious things."
"Than just hold me for now." She says, pushing her body up against mine. "Hold me."
My arms wrap around her and my lips rest against her forehead. At least there's one thing I can give her.