Author's Notes: This one is dark. TW's for this are as follows: Death, guns, violence, kidnapping, mental health issues, mental breakdown, insanity, major character injury, major character death, and suicide.
Originally posted on AO3 03/27/2020
Prologue
There are four levels of hats at O.W.C.A., and each hat has four values.
For the trainees, the yellow bands, there is drive, perseverance, curiosity, and commitment.
For the green-banded junior agents, the values are integrity, ambition, faith, and valor.
The black-band senior agents represent knowledge, justice, dependability, and empathy.
The last agents are the red-bands. The few with the authority to kill if necessary. They embody the values of duty, honor, courage, and strength.
Only the agents who dread the red bands receive them. Finally, Perry understands why.
Four Years Ago
Agent P stands on the small stage with Trainees A, C, O, X, and L. Junior agents F, Q, K, and N also join him.
Today, in this small bi-annual graduation, they will all gain a new fedora. A table in front of the stage holds each one.
Major Monogram finishes his customary speech, and the assembled agents applaud.
He calls the trainees forwards first, awarding each of them their badge and code name (Agents Ant, Carp, Ox, Xeme, and Lemming now stand before him), then placing their new hat on their head. Each agent recites the four values of of their new position, learned by heart.
Each new agent has a huge smile on their face, their yellow banded fedora clutched tightly in their hand and green band fedora on their head.
Perry was just like them, a very long time ago. Once enamored with the life that the agents led. Unlike most consumers of the James Bond movies, however, Perry was willing to go through anything to get there.
He had wrongs to right. The world was full of bad people, and trainee Perry wanted them gone.
Now he gets his chance.
Junior agents Ferret, Quail, Kiwi, and Narwhal each step forwards to receive their updated credentials and their black bands. Each one of them recites their values, vowing to follow them always.
Major Monogram shakes Agent Narwhal's hand, then turns towards the audience.
"Our final agent is receiving the highest field position in the entirety of the O.W.C.A. Agent Platypus is receiving the red band. Agent P, step forwards and remove your hat, please."
Perry steps forwards, lifting his fedora off of his head to holding it in front of him.
"To earn the red band, an agent must undergo the strictest and most demanding of training. They must demonstrate outstanding ability, as well as a discipline to follow the values of the agency."
"The red band is not to be taken lightly. With this hat, an agent has the license to kill at his or her discretion. Nothing is more sacred than life, and the ability to take it is both a blessing and a curse." At this, Monogram bows his head. "I ask every agent in this room with the red band to stand and recite the vow of values with Agent Platypus."
Three agents stand, snapping to a salute. Perry tucks his hat under one elbow to sign along with everyone as they speak, the gravity of everything finally setting in. "I vow to uphold the values of duty, honor, courage, and strength in all aspects of agent life."
"With that, Agent Platypus, I award you the highest field position in O.W.C.A." Major Monogram places the hat on Perry's head, then hands him his new credentials and shakes his hand. "Agents, you are dismissed!"
The new hat feels foreign on Perry's head. The measurements are correct, but the hat is stiff and uncomfortable.
Perry steps off the stage with the other agents. A small celebration has been set up in another room, and the agents gravitate towards it.
Agent after agent congratulates Perry, slapping him on the back and giving fist bumps.
Perry accepts the congratulations gracefully, but each one feels wrong. It feels like he's been distanced from the rest of his peers.
He makes polite small talk, but all he wants to do is go back to his former life. Before he was even offered the chance to become a red band.
The training was brutal, but that's not even the half of it.
He never thought being an agent would hit him so hard on the inside.
Perry slips out of the after party, heading into the office complex.
The office is empty. Every cubicle is abandoned for the party.
Perry places the red brimmed fedora on the small shelf he has above his monitor, right next to his former trainee and junior agent hats. He's not going to wear it. His black brim fits much better, and it's not a constant broadcasting of his power. Everyone knows he has the power now, but at least it's not a constant reminder.
He runs his fingers over the stiff brim, repeating the values in his mind. Duty, honor, courage, strength.
Tomorrow morning, he'll go down into O.W.C.A.'s armory, and choose the weapon that will be at his side.
It's sobering.
Perry fits the black brimmed fedora back onto his head, then walks out to the parking lot. He checks his watch, it's about six thirty. He'd told Linda that he'd be home late, but if he hurries, he can at least hug the boys goodnight.
I: Duty
Three Years Ago
Perry was ecstatic when he was first assigned to his nemesis, Doctor Kate Evillia.
Now, he's regretting it.
It had started out fine. Daily thwarting, occasional explosions, nothing to worry about. Until Evillia had started to make her daily past-time hunting humans for sport.
"Agent P, something needs to be done. Doctor Evillia needs to be brought down. By any means necessary."
Perry starts. 'Any means?' he signs.
Major Monogram sighs. "If you're not up to it, Agent P, we can assign someone else..."
'I'll do it.'
"Best of luck, Agent P."
The screen winks out. Perry stands and walks to the shelf where he keeps gadgets.
His base is finally just the way he likes it, and he'll have to move out soon. Bases like these are for agents with nemeses, and after today, he won't have one. He'll have a week to move out, then he'll go back to his cubicle at O.W.C.A. headquarters.
He twists his hat into a small circle and puts it into his back pocket, then pulls the red brim fedora off the shelf.
He hasn't worn this hat in a year. Not since he got it.
Now, he places it on his head and picks up his weapon. A simple pistol. Why show off? It works.
He makes sure the gun is loaded, then tucks the holster into his waistband.
The hovercar ride to Evillia's hideout is silent. The bustle of Danville life goes on below, but above the clouds, there is little noise.
Perry can barely focus. Stop Evillia with any means necessary could just mean arrest, and for many situations, it's true. For Evillia and her new hobby? Perhaps Monogram can't straight out say to kill her, but Perry knows that what needs to be done.
The thought of having to kill her makes Perry's stomach turn.
It's not his capability, he spends an hour at O.W.C.A.'s range twice a week.
It's having to kill someone that he's known for almost a year. It's like killing a friend.
The craggy mountaintop of Evillia's lair comes into view. The peaks are coated in a thin layer of snow. On any other day, this mountaintop would be swarming with hikers.
Not since Evillia started her hunts. Now, nobody dares to venture up onto the mountain.
Perry lands the hovercar on a ledge. Normally, he'd come in the cave entrance and park, but not today. Today is not about a nemesis dance. Today is about protecting the public.
A snare trap greets him as he enters Evillia's pavilion. He's hoisted into the air in a net, powerless.
"Ah, Agent P. I've been expecting you. No secret weapon from me today." She laughs. Perry can barely hear her through his hearing protection. (Another thing the movies always get wrong- guns are loud.) "Instead, I'll strip you of your weapons and throw you into the wilderness for my hunt. Would you prefer to go by arrow, or bullet?"
Perry examines the net where he's held.
"If you're not going to answer, I'll choose for you."
There, at the top. Perry whips out his multitool and saws at the frayed bit of rope with the little knife.
The net breaks, and the resulting hole is big enough for Perry to squeeze through. He drops to the ground, rolling over his shoulder to absorb the impact.
"Agent P, I thought we were done with this game. Well, whatever you have to say, say it quickly."
'Doctor Evillia,' Perry signs, 'You are being stopped by O.W.C.A. for violating fundamental human rights. Please stand and put your hands above your head.'
"I am not as willing to go as you may think," Evillia says, spinning slowly in her chair. "And I don't think you have the guts to take me."
'It's not about guts. This is duty,' Perry signs.
"Duty. Sure. Kid, if I don't move, what are you gonna do?"
It's now or never. Perry pulls the pistol out of it's holster and points it at Evillia.
'Doctor Evillia, if you do not comply, I will be forced to use lethal force,' Perry signs with one hand, his gun shaking in the other.
Evillia laughs sharply, remaining firmly in her chair. "I won't. And I know you, Agent P. You won't either."
Perry pulls the trigger.
Only after Doctor Evillia's head hits the floor does he lower his gun.
The bullet went clean between her eyes, but there's blood everywhere. Head wounds tend to bleed a fair bit, and gunshots are no exception.
Perry contacts O.W.C.A.'s retrieval team through his watch, then immediately runs and vomits into the trash can. He's killed a dangerous criminal, but it sure feels like he was soulless.
There's blood on his hands- not physically, but metaphorically. No matter how much he scrubs, he'll never be able to get it off.
II: Honor
Two Years Ago
It's a lovely day. The sun is shining, no clouds in the sky, just enough breeze to make the heat bearable. The kind of day that makes one want to take a nap in a hammock in the shade.
Perry is spending the day in the Danville mall, looking after Candace and the boys while Linda plays in her jazz trio. A rare day off.
The boys are in the hardware store across the way from the Slushy Dog where Candace's boyfriend works (the layout of this mall never ceases to baffle), so Perry feels comfortable sitting on a bench in the median and being the chill uncle.
"Hey Uncle Perry, can you come help us for a second?" Phineas practically materializes besides Perry, pulling on his wrist.
Perry gives a thumbs up and stands up.
It turns out the boys can't lift something that they needed, so Perry helps them get it off the shelf and into a cart, where the power of the wheel will do the work for them.
Perhaps he can teach the boys a few of the O.W.C.A. conditioning exercises. They certainly enjoy helping him train.
When he comes back to the mall proper, Candace isn't sitting at the Slushy Dog counter. A text on his phone reveals that she went into the shop next door, a generic teen clothing store.
A few minutes pass, sliding through time syrup. Perry pulls out his notebook and pen, and starts to doodle.
Until a shriek rips through the mall, emanating from the teen clothing store. A shriek that sounds like Candace, and a shriek that sounds like she's in pain.
Perry leaps off of the bench and into the clothing store, where he's just in time to see Candace's foot disappear into the back room. He makes to dart into the back, but a mall cop on a Segway gets there first.
"Sorry, sir, but civilians are not allowed in the backs of stores," the guard says in a monotone voice.
Perry rolls his eyes, fishing his credentials out of his back pocket.
The guard gets one look at Perry's O.W.C.A. badge and blanches. "My apologies, Agent. Do what you need."
Perry turns and runs into the back room just in time to see a man in all black put a bag over Candace's head. Another man with a scary looking rifle stands guard. The loading door opens with a creak, and a van is outside.
Perry darts behind a box. He needs to do something...
He makes his way along the wall until he's put only one box between the guard and himself. He snatches the man with the gun, gets him in a choke hold. The man passes out, and Perry quickly strips him of his hoodie, mask, hat, and weapons.
Thankfully, their pants are the same color.
"Come on, Ralph. We gots a good one this time, doncha wan' in?"
Perry stands up, the weapons heavy on his person. Besides the rifle, there's two knifes, a lot of extra ammunition, and a pistol almost identical to Perry's agent one.
Perry checks his pocket to make sure he still has his credentials, notebook, and phone, then steps into the van.
The van eventually winds up by the abandoned Danville train station. A few defunct cars sit on rusting rails.
The other man pulls Candace out of the back and pushes her into the gravel on the side of the rails. The van speeds off, kicking up dust.
"You wan' a piece of her b'fore we put 'er up?"
Perry shakes his head, fearful for what it might mean. Just in case, he ghosts his hand over the pistol on his hip.
"Eh, suit yourself."
The man's fly unzipping is the loudest sound in the world.
Perry doesn't even think. The gun is pulled and shot in less than a second.
The body hits the ground with a thump (or at least, Perry assumes it does. His ears are ringing pretty badly). Perry uses the knife to cut the ties from Candace's wrists and ankles. He yanks the bag from Candace's head and waits for her eyes to adjust to the light.
"What's going-" She sees Perry and punches at him.
'I'm on your side', Perry signs frantically, dodging the blows. 'Run into the woods and hide, as fast as you can. Police are on the way.'
Thankfully, Candace doesn't question why her attacker knows sign language, why her attacker knows that she knows sign language, or why said attacker is now rescuing her. She just runs.
Perry darts inside the train station, ducking into an abandoned ticket booth. His hearing returns enough for him to hear shouts echo through the train station.
His watch starts to buzz. Perry pulls off his mask and hat, then accepts the incoming message.
Before Major Monogram can even get a word off, Perry is signing. 'Candace kidnapped, I rescued in disguise, more men around. Need backup.'
Perry catches a peek of Carl running about in the background, summoning agents left and right. "Where are you at, Agent P?"
'Abandoned train station. May be hostages. Got to go.'
Perry blinks off his watch, then pulls the mask and hat back on. Swapping the pistol out in favor of the rifle, Perry exits the ticket booth.
"Ralph!, Yo, Ralph!" Perry starts, then realizes that oh yeah, that's his name right now. He lifts a hand in acknowledgement. "See anything?"
Perry shakes his head. O.W.C.A. will be here in about five minutes, so he needs to get in and find the leader. Somehow.
On a normal mission, he'd have background info, gadgets, and a plan. This mission (if he can even call it that) is the most wildly improvised thing he's done in years.
He kind of enjoys it, in an odd way. The adrenaline of stopping dangerous criminals on the fly is certainly something else.
Perry adjusts his mask, then heads over to the tracks.
There are three cars out on the rails. Two boxcars and an engine.
Perry decides to look in the engine first. Two others, dressed in black and armed to the teeth are at the ladder.
Yep, this is the place. Perry approaches the ladder.
"Eh, Ralph, you ain't s'pposed to be over here for another coupl'a hours," one of the guards says.
Perry gulps. Thinking quickly, he makes a show of checking his watch, then slapping his forehead.
"Eh, man, s'all good. Say, why ain'cha talkin'? Usually yer such a chatterbox."
Oh no.
Perry points at his throat, hoping that's enough of an excuse.
"Man, you got it too? There's like four of 'em in the last car with it. Say, why don'cha check on 'em?" He chuckles. "Give 'em somethin' to talk about."
Perry nods numbly. He's sweating bullets, and not just because he's wearing two long sleeved shirts in the July afternoon.
New plan- diversion.
The last boxcar's door is slightly open, and Perry breathes deep, shouldering his gun before entering.
There are fifteen girls in the dim boxcar. They all shirk away from the door when Perry enters. He tries to hold his hands up in a neutral gesture, but they all shrink back further.
Of course, the disguise. Perry pulls off his hat and mask, shoving them in the hoodie pocket.
One of the girls has the confidence to speak. "I don't care if you're new, just pick one of us and get it over with."
Perry's eyes widen. They still think he's one of them. He backs up, shaking his head.
How else can he convince them? Oh, right, his credentials.
He flips the leather holder open to reveal the badge. Whispers fill the car.
Perry pulls his notepad out of one of his other pockets, writing a hasty message. He rips off the message, handing it to the girl who reads it out loud.
"I'm Agent P, with the O.W.C.A. I need to get to the engine, and I need a diversion. My plan is as follows: I will fire into the roof to draw their attention, then disable the guard outside, then I want you to run. Right outside the door, there is a stretch of woods. Find a place to hide, there are more agents on the way. Do you understand?"
The girl looks up. "Seems pretty dangerous for us."
Perry looks at his watch. O.W.C.A. arrival time, one and a half minutes. He scribbles out another message, then hands it to her.
"Backup less than two minutes away. I will protect you. Cover your ears when I fire." The girl turns to the others. "What better chance do we have? He's literally a spy. I'm in."
The others seem to agree. Perry nods, dons the hat and mask, pushes a pair of earplugs in, then pulls his stolen pistol and shoots the ceiling. He hops out of the boxcar, chokes the guard, then gestures into the car for the girls to come out.
In the light, Perry can see the marks the abusers have left. Bruises, open wounds. To say nothing of what trauma they've endured.
It gives him the extra burst of energy to sprint to the engine. Men with guns are emerging from the train station, and Perry fires a few shots at them. He needs to draw their fire, and the odds are against him hitting anyone behind his back, on the run.
Bullets hit the car besides him and the ground. Clearly, none of the men are good shots.
There's a short length of chain and an open padlock on the ground. Perry scoops it up. He'll need something to cuff the leader of this fucked-up organization with.
Perry scales the ladder, then climbs into the window of the cab.
A man with a neck tattoo is texting someone. "What's going on out there?"
Perry clears his throat, pulling out his credentials. His pistol is pointed at the man, just in case. In the distance, Perry can hear someone shout "O.W.C.A., come out with your hands in the air."
The man turns around in visible dismay.
A minute later, Perry is leading the man out to where various police and O.W.C.A. agent cars are. Perry flashes his credentials to the officers, who put the man in the back of a patrol car. Agent E recognizes Candace (and Perry's relation to Candace), so she allows him to use her car as a hiding screen to change from undercover Agent P to Uncle Perry.
Perry unloads each weapon, then puts everything in a bag marked Evidence in Agent E's trunk.
He rushes up to where Candace is standing. Agent V has an arm around her shoulders.
Perry envelops her in a hug. Candace is safe.
Things will be crazy, both on the uncle and agent sides of things. Candace buys Perry's story hook, line, and sinker. (The boys are clueless, and Linda is just glad Candace is okay.) The agency will give Perry the O.W.C.A. Medal of Valor, which he'll pin up in his cubicle next to a picture of Candace and the boys.
It's only when filing the vast amounts of paperwork does Perry remember that he killed someone.
The nightmares will keep him up for years.
III: Courage
One Year Ago
Perry doesn't remember when he started wearing his pistol whenever he's on duty. Some time after the incident at the abandoned rail station.
He only knows that he does, and that someday, it may save his life.
His mission today is an ordinary one. A day off from Doof. Tailing a low-level threat. His partners, agents C and F are waiting at a rendezvous point about an hour away.
Perry returns to his hovercar, the glamour tweaked so that it looks normal, and pulls off the disguise. This particular wig was abhorrently itchy.
At least it wasn't a fat suit like last time. That was brutally hot.
Perry peels out of his parking space (Parallel parking has always been the bane of his existence), and heads west along Fourth Avenue. Hopefully, if their debrief isn't too long, Perry will make it back to the house in time for lunch.
After about fifteen minutes, Perry notices that the same car has been right behind him this entire time. That's odd.
Perry takes four right turns, all the way around the block. The same cherry red car stays behind him.
He smirks and shakes his head. If you're gonna tail a guy, at least drive a car that doesn't stand out. He quickly signs a video message to his partners at a red light, then commits his full attention to the city streets.
It's not like he isn't trained for this. The O.W.C.A. driving test is much different than a civilian one. In fact, this is a mildly entertaining way to end an otherwise boring day.
Perry sets the radio to the classic rock station and flips on a pair of sunglasses. The light turns green, and the (law abiding) chase is on.
After about ten minutes, when Perry's pretty sure he's lost the driver, his watch dings. Man, he was just at the chorus. He presses a button on his dash (thank you, Carl) to read out the message.
"Gotcha. Tracking u now. Meet headquarters."
Perry swerves across three lanes of traffic and into a Quik-Mart parking lot.
He grabs his emergency bag out of the glove compartment, then jumps out of the car, pulling the keys on the way out. He pulls his hat off, yanks the small tracking device out, and crushes it under his heel. His watch's tracker gets the same fate. He powers his phone all the way off, then removes the battery and shoves both parts in his bag. Replacing his hat, Perry runs around the back of the convenience store. A button on his watch locks the car and enables the anti-theft devices.
Something's been compromised. The protocol for an agent with a tail is not to track them, or to meet at HQ. And neither agent texts like that. (Agent C texts like an essay, and Agent F's texts are unreadable.)
Never has he been so glad he's prepared. His bag has everything he'd need to spend a couple weeks thoroughly undercover. Even a letter to Lawrence, Linda, and the kids if he unexpectedly has to cut town.
Perry changes in the bushes, emerging in jeans, a Love Handel t-shirt, a black windbreaker, and a brown wig.
Oh, and the backpack. It's black. It's boring. It's full of gadgets. He'll blend right in with the crowd.
Perry sighs. It looks like he's on foot. He might as well head over to the rendezvous point, see what's going on. It should be safe, now that he's disguised.
It takes about an hour and a half to get from the parking lot of the convenience store to the meetup spot. It turns out that the Danville public transport system is something Perry had completely overlooked before.
For good reason. Perry was trapped in the same car as a guy playing bassoon. Badly.
This is it. The Danville Dam. The meetup location is in the third turbine from the left. More accurately, in the little maintenance shaft right next to it.
Nobody really cares about the dam, so Perry just walks out on top of it. There's a few other people out and about, and he blends right in.
If his partners were here, they'd be long gone by now. They'll assume that Perry was caught up somehow, and return to base.
If they're here right now, as Perry can see they are, it's a trap.
Agent C never has been very good at hiding that feather in her hat.
That settles it. They've been jeopardized on this end.
Perry continues to the other side of the dam.
He boards the number 54 bus going towards Danville Harbor.
Usually, by now, he'd have orders from O.W.C.A. headquarters, especially with agents C and F not reporting back. What's going on?
Perhaps headquarters has been compromised. He types up a quick request for orders and sends it off.
He gets a response almost immediately.
Headquarters is compromised. If O.W.C.A. personnel was managing communications, they would have caught that specific message's double meaning. It's a bit of an old code, but it worked last week, so it's still known.
Perry turns his watch all the way off, then removes the battery, just in case. He shoves both parts into his bag, then gets off the bus a few stops from Danville Harbor. He starts down the dirt trail that leads (in a roundabout way) to O.W.C.A. headquarters.
It looks like he's on his own.
Why is the agency compromised, and why hasn't he been caught yet? Perry mulls over these questions as he hikes down the trail.
Well, the answer to the second question is probably the result of his planning, and the answers to the first are right in front of him.
O.W.C.A. headquarters. Perry immediately dismisses the entrance at the front. They'll be expecting him at the front.
They won't be expecting him in the ventilation.
After hours upon hours of helping Carl with the surveillance system when he was new, Perry knows where the few blind spots are, and when they'll occur. For now, he slips into the woods to prepare.
He pulls a few necessary supplies out of his backpack. A grappling hook, his multitool, his taser, his hat, credentials, and notepad. Watch and cell, with their batteries, go in his hat's spare compartment.
He checks his gun, making sure it's loaded. Just in case.
With everything done, he eats a granola bar (he missed lunch a long time ago), then ditches his bag. Once this is all over, he'll come back for it.
Perry climbs up a tree near the building, then when the camera arcs the other way, fires his grappling hook and swings over.
He uses his multitool to unscrew the the vent cover. He tucks his hat into his waistband and steps into the opening.
Perry counts his lucky stars that he's always been on the small side as he eases his way into the shaft.
As he pulls himself along, he begins to hate every movie that made him think that ventilation shafts were easy to traverse. It turns out they're incredibly dusty, cramped, and echo-y.
He can hear voices from further down that definitely aren't O.W.C.A.
"Are all the agents in?" the first voice says.
"All but the one. Tracking for him went offline ages ago, he went off the grid completely about an hour ago. Haven't caught a whiff of him since." The second voice is much gruffer.
"We can worry about him later," the first voice says. "One agent doesn't mean much when he has no agency."
"Damn right."
Perry hears footsteps leading away, and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He scoots himself down further, following the footsteps.
The shafts soon become too small to go down, so Perry makes his way down to where he knows the bathrooms are.
He lowers himself slowly into the men's restroom. Perry pulls his hat out of his waistband and firmly affixes it to his head. (He does his best to brush the copious amounts of dust from his clothes, but the majority will just have to be washed out).
Perry presses his ear to the door of the bathroom. The voices pass by again.
"Maybe they know where he is. Any ideas?"
"If we killed one of them in front of the others, they might be more willing to cooperate."
"Oh. I was thinking TV broadcast, but that sounds pretty good for long-term."
That doesn't sound good. He pushes the door open slowly.
His adversaries don't look that bad. At least, these ones don't. There's got to be more, guarding key points in the O.W.C.A. building.
Then one of them turns around. He and Perry make eye contact.
Perry bolts out of the bathroom, into the general office space. The two men follow him. Perry doesn't hear any gunshots, but he can't assume they're unarmed. Papers slip and slide under his feet as he runs, evidence of a previous skirmish.
The first gunshot buries itself in a cubicle wall not far from Perry. Two more quickly follow, and they're getting closer.
Perry's number two rule of being shot at? Be unpredictable. (Rule number one is don't get shot.) Perry leaps into one cubicle and up onto the desk. He vaults over the wall and runs down another aisle.
His hat almost gets ripped from his head, and he's not quite sure why. He plants one hand on his head and grabs his pistol with the other. He fires a couple of times behind him, half hoping to hit one of them.
Again, he leaps on top of a desk, this time jumping on top of the partition. He allows himself a quick look behind. Neither man has slowed down.
Perry runs down past a secretary's desk. Thank god for Janet keeping that bowl of decorative marbles- Perry smashes it on the floor and hopes she'll forgive him.
He can hear his pursuers slipping and cursing behind him.
Perry turns a corner and throws himself into the stairwell. He rides down the banister of the stairs to give himself a chance to breathe (and put earplugs in- tinnitus is not his idea of a good time).
If he were evil group trying to take over O.W.C.A., where would he hide out?
The weapons vault in the basement, of course. And he'd station guards outside the elevator, on the stairs, and by the emergency ladder for predicaments such as this.
Too bad these intruders don't have the passcodes to the ladder...
Perry jumps off the railing and onto the stairs. He dashes out of the stairwell into the offices on the first floor.
The (motion activated) lights are out. There are no papers on the floor, no bullets in the wall. No evidence that anyone is here at all.
Which is why it surprises him so much when he gets shot in the left forearm.
Perry retreats into the stairwell immediately, throwing his full body weight at the door to keep it shut.
From what he can tell through the blinding haze of pain, it just grazed him. However, it still hurts like hell, it's bleeding, and he's been spotted. There's no way he's getting through to that ladder.
Unless...
Perry reaches his undamaged arm through the door and fires his grappling hook as far in the right direction as he can.
He counts to three, then pushes himself through the door. Lights click on as he flies through the air over the cubicles, bashing his knees on a few dividers. Surprised shouts come from behind him.
He slams shoulder-first into the wall, disengaging the dart. He's got a head start, but it won't last long. He runs down the hall, lights flicking on as he goes.
The closet where the ladder is only a few feet away. Shots echo through the office.
Perry bolts into the closet, locking the door behind him.
That lock isn't going to buy him much time. Perry shoves a mop bucket to the side to reveal a trapdoor.
He presses his thumb against a keypad hidden by a shelf and the trapdoor opens. Perry climbs down the ladder slowly, his injured arm screaming in pain. The trapdoor closes behind him.
The bottom of the ladder is in a supply closet. Perry hunts around on the shelves for something that he can use for his arm. It's still bleeding, although not as bad.
There's a first aid kit, but it's woefully inadequate. A few of those instant ice packs, a small jar of ibuprofen, some band-aids, a couple antiseptic wipes, and a few packets of antibiotic lotion.
Perry's certain that there's a better first aid kit in the armory proper, but that would mean facing whoever is out there- and there are a lot of voices. Either way, it will have to do.
He pulls off his windbreaker and discards it. It's no use to him anymore. On the shelf is a box of O.W.C.A. trainee t-shirts. Perry grabs one and stuffs it into his mouth to keep himself from crying out.
Carefully, he cleans the wound out with the wipes, picking a piece of shrapnel along the way, then cuts another shirt into strips with the multitool.
Once he's somewhat bandaged, he takes a couple ibuprofen (not that it will do much) and pops one earplug out to listen at the door.
"Where's the agent?" a voice says.
The answer comes, but Perry can't make out the words. Apparently the answer wasn't satisfactory, because Perry can hear a scream.
"The answer is that you let him get away!" Perry flinches at the subsequent crack and scream.
That sounds like a leader, and if not a leader, then at least someone with power.
Perry briefly considers calling in the Seattle branch of O.W.C.A., but decides against it. They won't get here in time.
Perry opens the door as quietly as he can.
Every single member of the Tri-State Area's O.W.C.A. division is sitting against the wall directly opposite the storage room, looking right at him.
There are about a dozen guards, none of them paying attention, all of them armed to the teeth.
And one man with a cape.
He's the leader. He's got to be.
He's also looking straight at Perry.
It's too late to hide now. Perry pulls his pistol and leaves the closet. There are even more guards than Perry saw earlier.
The chatter of the guards dies down. Soon, the only sound in the room is the slight noise of Perry's shoes against the floor.
It's times like these when Perry curses his broken vocal chords. If he were able to talk, he'd challenge the leader to a fight. Instead, he has to pull his notepad out and write a note.
I challenge you to a fight. Hand to hand. No weapons, one on one. If you pin me, I surrender. If I pin you, you set the agents free.
The caped man snatches the note and reads it.
"Bring it on, boy."
Perry holsters his pistol and drops into a stance. The caped man flings off his cape.
The room holds their collective breaths as Perry and the taller man size each other up.
The other man kicks at Perry first, and the fight is on. Right away, Perry can see the man has weak fighting skills. His balance is completely thrown whenever he kicks.
Perry slides to the left, throwing a roundhouse kick of his own.
The next kick the man throws is aimed at Perry's head, but it never gets there. He gets his leg stuck on Perry's shoulder. Perry twists into the kick, knocking the man to the ground.
Perry wastes no time in getting to a side-mount position. The man attempts to roll away, but only succeeds in flipping onto his stomach. Perry climbs up so he's sitting on top of the man's back.
It doesn't take long for Perry to get the man in an arm lock from there.
Clearly, their leader had figured himself to be a better fighter just because of his size.
The guards around the room mutter to themselves. Their leader has been pinned. Some of them start to unlock the handcuffs of the agents.
The pinned leader screams at them. "Why are you unlocking them?"
One of the guards shrugs. "Dude, you're pinned. That was the arrangement."
"We're EVIL! We don't follow the rules!"
It's too late. Over half of the agents have been freed, and the ones that haven't are being freed by their peers.
Perry grins. Agent J tosses Perry a pair of handcuffs, and he cuffs the leader. All around, other agents are cuffing their guards. A few agents are returning the armory to normal, righting shelves and cleaning weapons.
He's saved the day. Perry pulls off his wig and shoves it in his back pocket.
Something doesn't seem right.
Where's Major Monogram?
Perry signs this concern to Carl, who shrugs and begins to ask around.
About ten minutes later, Carl comes over to Perry. "Agent M says that he saw the Major being held in the second floor break room. You should check there."
Perry nods. 'Come with me,' he signs. 'I'll need backup.'
Perry also gets Agent M to come with them. Agent M is highly competent, after all.
They make their way up the stairs, to the second floor. Perry gives Agent M his taser and Carl his grappling hook. Just in case.
They round the corner, and there's the break room. It turns out that the guards up here haven't gotten the memo yet. Perry pulls them both back where they came.
'I'm point,' he signs. 'Carl, stay here and be ready to call for backup. You need to be hidden in case things go badly.' Carl nods. 'Agent M, watch my six.' Carl translates this for Agent M.
Perry peeks around the corner. The guards are distracted. He counts to three in his head, then bolts into the break room.
Major Monogram is nowhere to be seen. In fact, other than the guards at the door, there's nobody here.
One of the guards coughs, and Perry turns around.
Both guards and Agent M are pointing their guns straight at him.
Agent M laughs at Perry's visible confusion. "If you're looking for your precious Francis, he's in here somewhere."
Perry glares at Agent M.
"Oh, that's right. I didn't tell you, did I? You see, Agent P, I've always held a bit of a grudge against the O.W.C.A. So what else to do than infiltrate them and tear them apart from the inside? Once the Tri-State branch is knocked out, the rest will be sure to follow. The only thing that's standing in my way is you, Agent Platypus."
Carl, the time for that emergency backup is now.
"You see, Agent P, you're clearly the O.W.C.A.'s best agent. Resourceful, clever...Other than the muteness, you're really the perfect poster boy."
Perry scans the room. Where could Major Monogram be?
"In fact, I'm surprised you haven't been slapped on the recruiting posters yet. Maybe they asked you and you declined. You are known to be rather humble..."
Has that cabinet always been padlocked? Perry's willing to bet not. He starts to inch his way over to it.
"Oh, and one step closer to that cabinet and I'll blow your brains out."
Perry looks down at the table next to him. A vase of flowers. He picks one out of the vase and spins it between his fingers.
"Ah, a fine choice. It'll look wonderful next to your headstone, don't you think?"
Perry picks up the vase, pretending to examine it. Agent M steps closer, tucking his pistol into its holster.
"Are you even paying attention to me, Agent P?"
Perry takes the opportunity to smash the vase over Agent M's head.
Agent M stumbles back, pulling his pistol. Perry pulls his own gun.
"How courageous of you, Agent P. Unfortunately, sheer courage won't save you."
A very long time ago, Perry assisted in training Agent M. He's always had a knack for projecting his moves.
Perry dives to his left an instant before Agent M fires.
Agent M laughs. "You can dodge one bullet, Agent P, but can you dodge them from three people shooting?"
Something flies by the doorway, knocking down both guards. Perry's confused briefly, but then remembers.
He gave Carl the grappling hook.
More agents swarm over, cuffing the two guards.
"Sirs, we've cleared all the other levels. Any success finding the-"
Why did they cut off suddenly? Is something behind him? He peeks and, yep, there's Agent M with his gun pointed right at Perry.
Agent M steps closer, closer.
"Stand down, agents."
Nobody does. Perry grins.
"I said, stand down, agents."
Perry feels the cold barrel of the gun press into his side.
In a sudden burst of speed, Perry twists out of the way and fires his own pistol.
Agent M collapses. Perry hit exactly where he wanted to- right in the thigh. Likely non-lethal, but it will keep him from committing crimes like this ever again.
Perry unlocks the cabinet with the padlock, and the Major is in it. Never has Perry been more happy to see the mustached man.
Perry earns another O.W.C.A. medal of valor for saving the organization, which gets pinned up right next to the first one.
A week later, Agent M dies in the hospital. Complications in surgery.
Technically, it isn't Perry's fault that Agent M is dead.
Technically doesn't matter. Perry shot him, and since the bullet killed him, Perry killed him.
Is he technically a serial killer now?
He doesn't even want to think about it.
IV: Strength
One Week Ago
Perry really hadn't wanted a nemesis again, but when Major Monogram asked, he accepted.
Really, in the grand scheme of things, Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz is a good nemesis. Consistent, never serious enough to harm anyone. Even when his Inators explode, they do so in a controlled way.
Perry likes the regularity, the give and take. The normalcy.
There's a lot to admire about the man, really. His honesty, his trusting nature. The way he actually cares about his daughter.
The thousand little gestures that made Perry unabashedly fall for him, head over heels.
He hasn't been in love like this since, well, ever.
Oddly enough, it doesn't matter that Heinz is a man. It's just...unimportant. Perry's not quite sure what to make of that.
Summer is waning. He has to tell Doofenshmirtz soon.
He's written a letter. After the usual trap/scheme/thwart, he'll give it to him.
And the plus side is, he won't even have to stick around to see the results.
If Doofenshmirtz doesn't feel the same way, Perry will get reassigned by the next day, he's certain.
And if he does?
Perry doesn't want to get his hopes up yet.
His watch goes off while he's watching the boys build a ginormous bumper car rink. Perry waves at the boys, then disappears into his base.
Ten minutes later, he's flying in his hovercar to Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated. The wind whips at his face, threatening to pull off his hat. Shut Up and Dance is playing on the radio, and Perry drums along on the steering yoke.
It's the closest he can get to singing along.
When Perry lands arrives at Heinz's tower, the man himself is out on the patio.
Something snaps inside Perry's heart. He parks his hovercar and gets out.
Doofenshmirtz has a charming smile on his face as he walks over to the hovercar. He's holding a remote, but what else is new?
Perry takes two steps, grabs Heinz's lapels, and pulls him into a crushing kiss.
To his everlasting surprise, Heinz kisses back.
Doofenshmirtz is the one to eventually pull away from the kiss.
"Perry?"
Perry smiles. 'I love you, Heinz,' he signs.
Heinz's grin is almost as big as the Tri-State Area. "I love you too, Perry."
Perry pulls him in for another kiss.
Eventually, he realizes that he still needs to thwart Heinz, and he reaches for the remote.
Heinz smiles and playfully pushes him away.
"Not yet, Perry the Platypus. I have to explain my scheme! Follow me. I didn't have time to make a trap today, so if you could just stand still like I've trapped you?"
Perry signs okay.
"Now, Perry. I have depended on the people of Danville to ensure my takeover of the Tri-State Area. But people are stupid. They never do what I want them to. So, I have created an entire army of Norm robots to do my bidding. Behold, the Norm-bot-inator!"
Perry's hit with a wave of deja-vu he can't quite place.
"And Perry, with you by my side, we can become the rulers of the Tri-State Area!"
Perry's eyes go wide. Surely he doesn't mean...
"We shall rule the Tri-State Area as kings, Perry! Kings! And you will be with me. All you need to do is prove your loyalty. Lucky for you, I've provided the perfect targets."
A platform rises out of the floor. Perry watches in horror as it turns.
There, strapped to a table, are Phineas and Ferb. Ferb is unconscious.
"Norm, shock the green one. We want him to be awake." One of the Norm-bots does, and Ferb screams.
Perry wishes in this moment he could scream as well. He tries to run forwards, but another Norm-bot stops him.
"Nuh-uh-uh, Perry. If you love me, kill them."
Phineas looks up. Perry can see a bright red hand print on his cheek. "Perry? Uncle Perry?"
Doofenshmirtz laughs, an evil cackle that sends a chill down Perry's spine. Where is the nice Doofenshmirtz, the one he was kissing under the summer sky just a minute ago? "Uncle Perry? I didn't realize you had nephews! Oh, this is so much more perfect."
"Uncle Perry?" Phineas asks again. Perry tries to wrench himself out of the Norm-bot's grip, but it's too strong. "What's going on?"
"Perry, if you love me, you'll kill them," Doofenshmirtz cries, "Or I will! Norm, release Perry. He does need to get at his gun."
The robot army. The boys are trapped. Doofenshmirtz laughs, his hand gripping the Norm-bot controller. This all seems like a bad dream, a deja-vu nightmare from the second dimension.
Perry pulls out his pistol, aims, and shoots.
Doofenshmirtz's Norm-bots fall to the floor. The controller smokes in Doofenshmirtz's hand.
Perry runs to the boys. Phineas is shaking, Ferb has gone unconscious again.
"Uncle Perry?" Phineas asks. "What's going on?" Perry doesn't answer. He grabs the arm of a defunct Norm-bot and throws it into the controls for the boy's restraints.
The restraints unlock, allowing Phineas to slide off the table and land on his feet. Perry grabs Ferb and puts him over his shoulder, then grabs Phineas's hand. Perry hops into his hovercar, buckling Ferb into the backseat and Phineas into the shotgun spot.
Initially, Perry thinks nothing of the hovercar's struggling motor. There are two more bodies in the car, of course there's going to be more strain.
Until he turns around.
Doofenshmirtz has a pistol pressed to Ferb's unconscious head.
The same pistol Perry threw to the floor after he shot the remote.
Perry presses a button on his dash. Autopilot to O.W.C.A. headquarters, just in case.
'Leave him alone,' Perry signs. 'It's me you want.'
Doofenshmirtz laughs. "You have no idea what I really want."
Perry stands up on his seat.
"One more move, Uncle Perry, and you won't have any more nephews," Doofenshmirtz says.
Phineas looks up at Perry, eyes begging him not to move.
The only problem is that if Perry doesn't move, Doofenshmirtz will kill them as well.
If only he could get the weapon out of Doofenshmirtz's hands...
He knows what he has to do, and it's going to be the hardest thing he's ever done.
'Give me the gun. I'll do it myself,' he signs.
Phineas screams. Doofenshmirtz laughs and hands over the pistol. Ferb begins to stir.
Perry motions for the kids to close their eyes. Phineas starts to beg, pulling on Perry's pants leg. Doofenshmirtz laughs harder.
Perry fires once, twice, again and again until the magazine is empty.
Doofenshmirtz is dead.
Phineas and Ferb are okay.
Perry is shaking so badly he can barely stand. He collapses into the seat, then pulls Phineas to him. Ferb is well and truly awake by now, and joins the duo.
Phineas and Ferb get their memory wiped at O.W.C.A.'s headquarters, right in the medical ward. Perry watches from behind one-way glass as they're told about how their daily invention malfunctioned, landing them in the hospital.
Candace, Linda, and Lawrence are told the same story, then told how Perry found them and called an ambulance. They're told that Perry performed CPR on Ferb and saved his life.
Perry wishes that for once, O.W.C.A. would stop glorifying him. Would stop making him out to be the hero.
He's not a hero. He gave up that dream the moment he joined the O.W.C.A.
V:
Perry sits at the desk in his empty base, red banded fedora sitting on the desk. All alone, there is nothing suspicious about it. He's only worn it twice. The real power to kill is in the pistol, the one in the holster on Perry's hip.
Killing another person takes a lot out of someone. It takes everything a person has, and leaves them with nothing but gunshots echoing in their head. Memories in the daytime twisted into nightmares at night.
Perry has given all he has, four times. Four days, four lives. Each body sinking it's fingers into Perry's mind, clutching tight and never letting go.
Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz was the one that finally broke him. A person he had known so well, a person he had loved, now laid to rest at the Danville cemetery. No one but Vanessa at the funeral.
It's too much. He can't go on like this. Good guys don't abandon their families, but good guys also don't kill other people. Good guys put people in prison, not graves. Good guys don't lie to their families.
When O.W.C.A. comes to take his body, they will tell his family the whole truth about who he was. They will tell them of all the major missions that Perry was on. The Flynn-Fletcher family will learn that Perry was a monster.
Then, their memories will be altered. They will believe that Perry was in the armed forces, killed overseas. He will once again be a hero in their eyes.
Perry presses the pistol to his temple, his finger on the trigger.
The weight of the hat still ghosts over his head. Even heavier is the weight of the loss, of one person he had known so well and three others he hadn't. He wonders if Phineas and Ferb will ever find the truth out on their own. They're smart boys, they might.
A tear leaks out of one eye.
The gun goes off with a bang.
There is a fifth, unspoken value to the red fedora.
Sacrifice.