Nihilism (n): the rejection of all religious and moral principles, often in the belief that life is meaningless.

Chris

I've always been a man of my word. I promised her I'd take her on a real date. It may have been a few weeks after she got back home, as both of our schedules are crazy, but I kept to my word. This evening would be it. I tried to keep it a secret from her. She knew it was happening, but not what.

But I had other plans for the day as well. PJ made plans to visit London and, in turn, made plans to visit me since we don't see each other often. We met at a local Starbucks, ordered our drinks, and sat down. We caught up on each other's lives. I hadn't even realized everything in my life revolves around Alex until he asked me if I had any other friends.

"How well do you really know her?" he asked.

"Quite well, thanks," I retaliated.

"Really? Or has she just told you a couple big things and that's it? Girls do that sometimes. I should know," he said, drinking his coffee. Okay, alright. Alex is pretty private. But she doesn't have to tell me every little thing from her childhood, right? She'll tell me things when she's ready. "I can see the cogs turning up there. You know what? I'm going to look her up."

"What? No!" I practically shouted as he pulled out his laptop. "No, don't do that."

"Too late. How do you spell her last name?" I told him I wasn't having anything to do with this. "Never mind, I'll just go her Facebook." He started flipping through all of her profile pictures before he landed on a picture from just before she moved to London. She had a sling on her arm from the car accident. She doesn't talk about it a lot, understandably so. This particular picture included a relatively attractive man. I had never gone that far back on her Facebook, so I had never seen these picture before. The man kept reappearing as PJ moved between pictures. He was tagged as Adrian Graham. A tinge of jealousy flooded over me but the name didn't sound like one I had heard of despite seeming like a decent part of Alex's life.

"Please, stop," I demanded PJ. Obeying my orders, he closed his laptop as he went on about his girlfriend, Alicia, and all the other mundane things going on in our lives. Don't get me wrong, PJ is a good friend and I like spending my time with him, but the anticipation of tonight made it kind of unenjoyable. I just wanted to fast forward through the day.

After my coffee break with PJ, I rushed back home to make sure everything is where it's supposed to be. I double checked the cab reservation, and then triple checked the restaurant reservation, and then double checked that they could cater to Alex's food allergies. I even threw my clothes in the wash just to make sure they didn't smell weird. Everything had to be perfect.

"Can I have a hint?" Alex asked as she got home from work.

"No way," I stood my ground. "It's called a surprise for a reason."

"How am I supposed to know what to wear if I don't even have an idea? I don't want to be overdressed."

"Fine. Dress formal, but not too formal. Maybe one step below how you dressed in Paris."

Not too long after we exchanged this conversation, she texted me that she was ready, just in time for the cab to arrive. I met her in the hallway. Her hair was braided around her head like a halo. Her dress was a dark purple-red with lace accents. She wore black flats, which, again, looked too small for her feet. I think she's just wearing whatever Chloe doesn't want at this point.

"You alright?" I asked as we linked our elbows and walked outside to the cab. The cab ride was mostly silent, but not awkward.

As the cab jerked to a stop, Alex and I quickly ran from the pavement into the building to shield ourselves from the rain. We weren't waiting for long before my name was called. A man rivaling my height led us to a table for two. Moments later, a pretty brunette set two menus in front of us.

"Good evening," she began. "My name is Sophia and I'll be serving you tonight. Would you like to start off with some water?"

"Sure," I replied. Alex immediately asked for the wine menu. She didn't take long to pick a random cabernet. We ordered grilled peppered and lime gratins as an appetizer. I ordered a stir-fry white wine turkey and Alex ordered garlic and lemon veal. I tried to hide the sweat dripping down my forehead after looking at the prices. I don't want Alex to have to worry about a thing tonight. She thinks about everything else and doesn't need to stress about me.

Alex rambled on and on about school and work and the drama in her family in between bites. I love the sound of her voice. Her sultry, melodious tunes drawing me closer to her with each and every breath. I tried to focus on her stories but thoughts of Adrian kept intruding. So badly, I wanted to ask her about him. I hate feeling jealous, but I don't want to jump to conclusions like I had with Jayden.

Eventually, we finished our meals. Sophia put what we didn't finish in a box. Alex and I were filing back into a cab and in her flat in no time.

Even though my flat is right across the hall, I still have loads of stuff in her house. She doesn't seem to want to make it "official", but, c'mon, I have a drawer. I even have a key. Okay, maybe we exchanged keys before anything had happened but that's not the point. That counts for something, right?

Alex and I were laying on her bed, face to face, in our pyjamas. We picked up right where we had left of in Paris. The romance and passion still as high as it was in the hotel room. Our escapade was cut short when one of our mobiles started to sing. Alex had started to pull away but I gave her a pleading look.

"Can't you just let it go to voicemail?" I said, not wanting to let go.

"No," she said as she continued to leave the comfort of my embrace. "That's my mom's ringtone. She only calls if it's an emergency."

We can't just seem to catch a break.

Alex

"Alex," my mom's scratchy voice wailed over the phone. "Oh, Alex."

"Momma? What's wrong?" I asked in between her sobs. She kept talking but I couldn't understand her. "Momma, is Jordan there? Give the phone to him." She mumbled something incoherent before handing the phone off to my brother.

"Hi," Jordan said. "So something happened." I braced myself. "It's about Rachel. She, uh…God…she's dead…"

I took a seat at my table with fear that my knees would give out at any moment.

"What happened?" I asked, as bravely as I could.

"Who knows?" he sighed. "They found her but the police aren't doing their fucking job but what's new?"

"When's the funeral?" I asked. Chris jerked his head in my direction.

"Wednesday. Grandma said you can stay with her if you can get over here. Just let us know."

I hung up on Jordan without another word. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to Chris. Rachel was my favorite cousin. We grew up together when I lived with my grandparents. While all my other aunts and uncles moved away, Rachel's mom stayed so we spent countless winters on the trapline and our summers playing in the pond behind our house. I just knew I had to get back home for Rachel.

After asking Chris to leave, I started scouring my apartment for anything valuable I could pawn for a plane ticket. I didn't care if I had to sell my apartment just to get home. I even grabbed the last of my stash to sell it back to Spencer, but I quickly put it back.

I packed a box full of things I could pawn and headed out the door, staring at my phone the whole way down to look up the closest pawn shop. As I was heading out the front door, Chloe stopped me.

"Hey!" she said, the juxtaposition of her cheery voice making me feel sick to my stomach. "I just came by because my dad says rent is due. You're behind again."

"I just need until the end of the month. I'll pay it by then, I promise."

"Are you alright?" she asked, peering into my box of things. "What's all this?"

"It's nothing. Uh, my cousin died today so I'm gonna try to make something off these."

Chloe gave me a sad look and asked me to wait. I retreated to my apartment and sat in the dark for nearly an hour until I heard the buzzer. Assuming it was Chloe, I buzzed them up without asking. Once she got upstairs, she thrust an envelope into my hands.

"Think of it as an early birthday present," she said. I looked inside the envelope and saw four plane tickets. A straight shot to Montreal and then to Lac Brochet and back. I didn't even want to look at the price.

"I can't accept this," I told her, handing back the envelope. "It's too much."

"It's pocket change, really." I argued some more but she wouldn't take no for an answer. "If it'll make you feel better, I won't buy anything else for your birthday."

"And Christmas," I bargained. "And you don't have to go with me if you don't want. It'll be super boring."

"Actually, the other ticket is supposed to be for Chris. Well, really anyone but I figured you'd want to take Chris." I couldn't stop thanking her. She said the flight leaves in the morning so she started to leave. "If you need anything, you know where to find me." She gave me one of those air cheek kisses and headed out the door.

I sheepishly walked over to Chris's apartment. He pulled me into a hug, my smeared mascara staining his milky white shirt. I showed him the envelope with plane tickets.

"You don't have to go if you don't want," I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. I waved off a passive comment and in what felt like a blink of an eye, I was boarding a plane to Canada.