NOTE: IF YOU'VE READ THIS BEFORE, PLEASE REREAD THE OLD CHAPTERS TOO MUCH HAS CHANGED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON NOW!

Insouciance (n): a casual lack of concern

Chris

Unsurprisingly, Alex made us get to the airport an hour before we actually needed to be there. This wouldn't be too much of an issue if a) I hadn't already talked her out of arriving two hours early and b) the flight didn't leave at four in the morning.

The flight was a sleepy daze. I barely remembered it as I was either sleeping or watching Netflix the whole time. I wish I could say the same for Alex. She stared at the back of the seat in front of her the whole time, like she wasn't even present in her own body.

"Earth to Alex," I said for the second time, waving my hand in front of her face. The plane had landed and we were being prompted to get our luggage and go but she was still zoned out.

"Oh, sorry," she muttered as she got up and grabbed her carry-on. Still in her daze, we made our way to the domestic airport and flew another couple hours to her hometown. This flight wasn't as pleasant as I couldn't sleep anymore and the internet was far worse on this flight. At the end of this flight, Alex's autopilot guided her to the luggage rack and then out of the terminal.

The airport wasn't very full as the one in Montreal had been. It's a small town so that isn't unusual. Three groups were waiting for their person. One group was a bunch of kids huddled around the heater with their dad. The other was some elderly ladies with a sign that said "Ester". The other must've been Alex's group, judging by the resemblance. In the group stood her mother, whom I recognized from Facebook. Also in the group was a curly brown-haired man and three blonde girls, who I recognized from pictures but I wasn't sure how they were related to Alex, and a younger brunette boy that looked like Alex.

Without an introduction, Alex started rambling on to her family. I stood there, awkwardly, unsure of what to do with myself. Thankfully, Alex's mum spoke up.

"Well?" she said, gesturing to me. "Are you going to let him stand there like a knob or are you going to introduce us?"

"Oh, sorry," Alex said. "Guys, this is my friend Chris." My heart fell when she called me her friend, but I ignored it. Like I said, we hadn't defined anything. "Chris, this is my mom Misty; my brother Jordan; my stepdad Marcus and his daughters Madison, Taylor, and Sarah." She pointed to everyone as she said their name. I was surprised when Alex pointed out Jordan. She always talked about her "baby brother", but always talked about him like they were years apart, but Jordan is at least eighteen. This was a grown man, for fuck's sake.

We soon left the terminal. The cold air nipped at my exposed skin. It was dark outside despite being afternoon. It has to be at least negative thirty. No one else seemed to be phased by the dark or this cold. With the snow crunching beneath our feet, we made our way to the car park and squished ourselves into the car.

"I'm so glad you could make it, sweetie," Alex's mum began. "We've missed you. Home isn't the same without you."

"I've missed you all too. I only have two more years left of school and then I'll be back." Alex and I exchanged a look because we both knew she on a "gap year". Marcus asked her if she was going to visit any friends. "Oh, yeah. Definitely Olivia, Tara and Ryan. Maybe Hannah and Dylan."

"What about Adrian?" Madison asked. My heart skipped a beat as I waited for Alex to respond. "He was cool."

"I don't know. He's probably busy," Alex shrugged, but I could hear hesitation behind her voice. For the rest of the short ride, I couldn't concentrate on their conversation. My mind went to places I didn't really want it to.

Eventually, we arrived in front of a forest green house with a couple cars parked in front. The house was in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods as far as the eye could see. Behind the house was a small pen and a barn with a few smaller farm animals running around in the snow. A couple horses and goats and a bunch of chickens and two cows. It reminded me of my childhood home.

We parked and walked up to the front door. Alex just let herself inside instead of knocking. We were greeted by a room full of people. More awkward standing as Alex forgot to introduce me again.

Soon thereafter, we were approached by an elderly woman (probably grandmother) who escorted Alex and I to a spare bedroom towards the back of the house as she explained the plans for the next few days.

"Two funerals? I've never heard of that," I commented as we made the bed.

"Yeah," she inserted as she fluffed a pillow. "The one tomorrow is a more traditional funeral; it's more for family and our community and the one Wednesday is for friends and more distant family, y'know?"

A couple minutes later, her grandmother came back in to call us to dinner. Most of the family had left. All that remained was Alex's mom, stepdad, and his daughters, along with grandmother and an older woman no one had introduced me to. The meal was simply some sort of meat, rice, and peas, but everyone loves grandma's cooking no matter what it is. After the meal, Alex's grandmother called us into the living room. On the doorframe to the kitchen was a chart marking Alex's growth. She asked us to join her on the sofa where she had a stack of photo albums. Alex groaned before the embarrassment could even start.

Her grandmother flipped to the first page, showing an aged photo of Misty while pregnant. She was so young and looked exactly like Alex. I stifled a laugh when I saw her mother, pregnant, and in a school uniform at a basketball game. Her grandmother turned the page to pictures of Alex just after she was born. Her mother had her strapped to her back.

"I love this one," her grandmother said. "It shows she didn't completely abandon us." She flipped to another picture of Alex with a beaded headband wrapped around her head. "I'm so glad you kept tradition." There was a little back and forth in a language I didn't understand between them before they got to Alex's childhood. Gap teeth and all, I saw her awkward years.

Alex

The funeral was solemn. It wasn't supposed to be. Traditional funerals are usually a celebration of their lives, but Rachel's funeral broke my heart. It just made me mad.

I hadn't had a real conversation with Rachel in years. We used to check up on one another at least once a week, but once she relapsed and I started spiraling, it turned into once a month and then not at all. But even if I never spoke to her again, she would always be my best friend. We promised each other.

My grandma pulled into the garage, turned the car off, but didn't get out. We all stayed in our place. Moving would make Rachel's death real. Getting out would mean she was really gone. I couldn't accept it. None of us could. After what seemed like forever, my grandma got out, my mom and I following in her steps. She stopped in the breezeway between the garage and the kitchen and we all just stood there.

"I'm going to make us some lunch," she sighed. My mom and I took off our shoes in the breezeway while Grandma went inside. Through the window facing the barn, I watched Chris run up and tap on the window to get our attention.

"Mrs. Lemieux?" Chris panted.

"Sweetie," Grandma began, "just call me Grandma Jackie. You're family now."

"While you were gone, your cow went into labor. I think her calf is breeched."

"You better not have hurt my cow, boy," my grandma said crossly.

"I grew up on a farm. I've birthed plenty of calves. I promise know what I'm doing, ma'am."

My mom and I quickly ran upstairs to change and then we met Chris in the barn. Next, the worst part came. We had to turn the calf around and pull her out of her mother. While Chris and I cleaned the amniotic fluid off the calf, my mom made a straw bed for the baby to rest on. She took a picture of Chris and I as the "happy couple" after getting the calf all cleaned up. I know my friends from the city would otherwise be disgusted at this but bringing life into this world is one of the most magical experiences life can offer.

The next day started like it would any other. The sun sneaked through the blinds and onto our faces. Chris had his arm around my waist while my head rested next to his chest. His heartbeat was quiet, but if I held my breath I could hear it through his ribcage. It was his own personal song. I slowly tried to move out from under his arm, but the vice of his arms tightened around my bosom. He was still fast asleep but he nuzzled his nose into the top of my hair. I didn't want to leave the embrace of his arms, but a glance at the clock told me it was about time to start getting ready.

Slowly and softly, I removed his arm from under me and slowly pulled back the covers. He stirred but didn't wake. I tiptoed out of the room and into the kitchen where my grandma sat at the table. The daily newspaper was in front of her, but she seemed to just be staring at it instead of reading it. I took a seat next to her but didn't say anything. After what felt like hours, but in reality, was only a couple seconds, my grandma spoke up.

"Did anybody tell you what happened to her?" I shook my head. "She was staying in Winnipeg doing God knows what. They found her in a hotel room, with a needle in her arm..she left a note. I don't know why she would do that to herself. "

That was the most I had heard my grandmother speak about Rachel since her death. For the first time, I started crying. She asked if I wanted to read the note, but I declined. I don't want to know what it says.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by my grandma telling me to get dressed. She wiped the stream of tears off her face before leaving the room like the strong woman she has to be for me.

I woke up the next day and everything felt like a routine. Whenever I get into this strange altered reality, it feels like my brain is just floating around in my skull. My life felt like I was playing a video game- like I was merely controlling my behavior externally rather than living it. Anytime someone talked to me, it felt like a screen popped up, giving me prompts of what I could say.

Mom: How are you holding up?

Me: Press A for: I'm doing alright. Press X for: shut up. Press B for: I legitimately want to fucking kill myself right now so probably don't leave me alone or with any sharp objects. Press Y for: (leave the conversation).

I mentally pressed A and her NPC walked away. That's all she does. She just stands there waiting until my character interacts with her.

Every sound around me just sounded like a distant echo. The plane to Yellowknife felt like I was in a movie and her funeral felt like a dream.

I felt sick to my stomach to even think it, but I wanted to thank her for dying. Maybe this is the wake-up call I need to actually stop. I made so many promises to myself and to Jordan but nothing seemed to resonate within me. If it wasn't for her, I'd probably be getting high as hell in my apartment, maybe finding the same fate as her- having a seizure on my kitchen floor with a needle stuck in my arm.

I left about halfway through. Everything about the room made me feel physically sick. Rachel's mom cried a scream so loud I thought she was dying too. But, is that too far off? A piece of all of us have died with her.

Without thinking twice, I walked in to a familiar place I probably shouldn't be. A new receptionist asked me if I had an appointment. I told her just to tell Adrian that Alex was here and he'd know. She hesitantly complied and let me back to his office.

"What are you doing here, Alex?" he sighed as he shut the door behind us. There was a flame of hope behind his eyes, but he quickly extinguished it. He looked me up and down, mentally analyzing my robin's egg blue sweater and khaki pants. "What are you wearing?"

"Rachel's funeral was today," I said, my voice barely coming above a whisper. I took a seat on the edge of his desk. "I know I'm not your favorite person right now, but you're the only person I have who I know will understand. When Devon-"

"Don't talk about my brother," he ordered. I jumped back at his words. "Do you know why I don't want to talk to you anymore, Alex?" I shook my head. "Because every time I look at you, all I see is the sad, little sixteen-year-old begging me to join here or the seventeen-year-old crying to me every time her boyfriend hit her."

"Why would you even bring that up?" I sighed, but he quickly cut me off.

"Stop. Just let me talk for once without inserting your own opinion. We worked so hard to get you past that and I actually thought maybe everything would be fine. You were talking to your mom again and I think you were finally genuinely happy. And then the car accident…you looked me right in the eye and lied over and over and over again about the drugs. You always said you don't want to be like your mother and you'll probably kill me for saying it, but you're just like her and you're just like Devon.

"And you keep coming back to me and I keep letting you in but not this time; not right now."

His voice was stained with venom. I hated it. I almost fought him on it, but then I thought to Chris and his unconditional love. He doesn't know every horrible thing I've done. It didn't matter to us. Whenever I started to talk about all the insane things I've done for happiness, I quickly stifled it because I didn't want the look of innocence to fade from his face. He seemed to worship whatever I do and I let him because I love him. It's been over a year since we first started dating or whatever it is and we still haven't said "I love you" yet, but the feeling's there. He'd probably still adore me no matter what I did to him.

"I don't want to wait for you forever. But I also don't want to see you die and I know if I keep babying you, that's what's going to happen. I'll be here when you're ready."