NOTE: IF YOU'VE READ THIS BEFORE, PLEASE REREAD THE OLD CHAPTERS TOO MUCH HAS CHANGED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON NOW!
I was so angry at Adrian. I didn't understand what I had done to warrant his behavior. I wasn't using at the moment and he doesn't even know what he's talking about. After not even acknowledging me for so long, these are the words he chose to say to me.
I tried to ignore the thoughts ringing through my head. I clenched my fists so hard my knuckles turned white as I walked down the street to a local diner. The smell of greasy food hit my nose as I walked in. The smell instantly brought me back to the first time I stepped through the diner. Right before my mom lost custody and while she was pregnant with Jordan, we were driving through Yellowknife and stopped at this diner. It was right before they opened, but they let us in anyway. We were living in her car and hungry. We ate our meal and when the waitress was distracted with another customer, we got into the car and started to drive away. Knowing our luck, the car didn't make it out of the parking lot without the car sputtering and coming to a stop. With all our shame, we had to walk right back into the building to ask for help.
"Hey, Alex," the waitress said. Although it's been almost two decades since that Sunday morning, Tammy hadn't aged a day. Within minutes, she had my usual Mountain Dew with a bowl of macaroni sitting in front of me. I wasn't hungry. Actually, I was starving but just thinking about eating made me want to throw it back up. Tammy noticed this. "I heard about Rachel. I'm sorry, babygirl." She embraced my arm with her soft hands.
I sat there for a while, just stirring the macaroni around. Chris had texted me a couple times, but I didn't feel like answering until now. We had left him at my mom's house.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I said simply. I sent another: I'll be back later.
I looked up to see my mom taking a seat across from me. She tried talking to me but I ignored her. I felt like I was back in high school. She soon came around the table and sat next to me. She pulled me into a hug and let me cry.
"Can I share something?" she asked. I didn't say anything because I knew she would just talk no matter what I said. "Jordan and I had a heart to heart last night and I think need to tell you too. I'm sorry for what I did to you as a kid. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry for the hell I put you through, for never being around when you needed a mother, for choosing drugs over you…over and over again. You deserved-no deserve- better."
"I don't really want to talk about this right now," I said. I didn't look at her. I heard variations of this spiel time and time again over the years. She always said it right before she relapsed. "Can we go home?"
We drove home in silence. I didn't have anything important to say anymore.
It was dark now. Living so close to the arctic circle meant that it was always dark, though. I was in bed, snuggled up under the covers, and scrolling through Facebook. Some of my old friends and distant family were messaging and posting about Rachel. I could barely find anything normal in the sea of sorrow.
"Are you tired?" Chris asked as he walked into the room. He had just gotten out of the shower and was in just a towel. A waft of his aftershave and shampoo filled the room.
"Not really," I replied. The lack of sunlight in the winter made it hard to keep a regular sleep schedule.
"How are you feeling?" he asked as he searched for his pajamas. I shrugged my shoulders.
How do I tell him I would do anything to switch places with Rachel? How can I say that I wish it were me six feet deep instead of her? There are no words to convey what it feels like to lose someone this way. It's nothingness and despair. It's felt like nothing will ever feel okay again. It's staying awake every night because I can't stop thinking about it. It's wondering over and over again if I had done something different, maybe she'd still be here. Guilt is measurable and I feel it in the center of my chest. Chris keeps telling me there's nothing I could've done. It was Rachel's decision and hers alone. But the guilt keeps telling me it's my fault for not seeing the signs or talking to her more.
"Do you believe in an afterlife?" Chris asked. I shrugged again. He was eye level with me as he spoke. "I don't but if you do feel there's something else out there, at least there's solace in knowing she's not hurting anymore."
For a second, it didn't hurt anymore, and I pulled him close to my face to kiss him. In this moment, nothing else existed except for him and me. He got on top of me, still in his towel (at least until I pulled it off). We finally finished what we had started in Paris and before I got that dreaful call.
For once, I could feel like we were going to be okay.