Hey guys! I am back from holiday and with a brand new chapter! I apologize for any mistakes in advance 'cause it wrote it down fairly quickly. I might check i tomorrow for errors but I didn't want you guys to wait so long! And there will be a lot of Alex / Aria in this one. Hope you like this one. Leave some words, it helps me write faster! And thank you again for all the kind words. Sparia is a rare ship and I feel that its so underrated. Even though people do see the chemistry. I hope to read more Sparia fan fictions in the future! The world needs it haha. Anyway. Enjoy :)
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Carrying the sleeping girl to bed, Spencer couldn't help but stare at her tiny, sweet friend in her arms. She thought it was better not to wake her and let her sleep in her dress just this night as she had looked exhausted all evening and Spencer didn't want to interrupt her rest. She set Aria down carefully, draping a blanket over her and sat at the edge of the bed, looking at her to memorize how adorable she looked while mumbling something in her sleep. Spencer was about to get up to get ready to bed, when she heard the other girl call out her name, eyes still closed. She sat down next to Aria again and waited for her to slowly open her eyes. She smiled when they made eye contact, but Aria turned away quickly. Frowning Spencer reached out to turn Aria's head towards her again.
"What's wrong?", she wondered and noticed the thoughtful look on Aria's features.
"I'm sorry, Spence. I really am. I am sorry if I let you down. Please don't hate me.", she heard her mumbling, and Spencer knew Aria was trying hard not to cry.
"Aria, what is it? I don't hate you, okay? I never could. Just tell me.", her fingers started to play with a loose lock of brown hair that had grown over the past few months a little more. She would never say it, but she had always preferred Aria with her long wavy hair falling perfectly on her shoulder. She loved Aria's hair. As Spencer starred into Aria's eyes with a reassuring smile, Aria looked away again.
"We were supposed to have fun tonight.", Aria's tone had shifted and Spencer noticed the sad undertone her voice held.
"I did have fun tonight. Didn't you?"
She could hear Aria sigh in response.
"I have so much stuff on my mind. Things I want to get off my chest, but I can't."
"Why not? You can always talk to me, Aria. You know that, don't you?" Spencer grew worried, she hated to see Aria hurt and she wished she could do something to make her feel better.
"I know. But, I have to figure things out on my own for once." Aria turned to the other side, making Spencer drop her hand and letting go of Aria's hair. She had a bad feeling Aria wasn't telling her something, but she decided to wait until Aria was ready so she didn't push it. She patted her shoulder in a comfort way before she sighed and stood from the bed.
"I'm going to get ready for bed. Just promise you will talk to me if things get too messy in that little head of yours, all right?"
"Okay. Goodnight, Spence.", came the mumbled response and Spencer left the room.
…
"She knows."
"Spencer knows you're visiting me?", Alex raised an eyebrow and Aria was quickly to shook her head in response.
"Not exactly. But she knows something is up. She knows I'm hiding something."
"You could just tell her, you know. No more secrets." Alex twisted her mouth in thinking then, sitting on the bed with crossed legs while Aria sat across her on the chair. She didn't want to get too close to Alex. Thoughts of their kiss still crossed her mind and she wasn't sure if Alex was going to try something again.
"I know. But she will hate me if she finds out and maybe she will have you shipped somewhere across the ocean. And I won't get the chance to see you again. Plus, I don't think she would forgive me for going behind her back."
Alex nodded slowly. "I love that you are coming to see me Aria. You know how much I appreciate that, when I was treating you and your friends so horribly, when I put you guys through that hell. I could never thank you enough for your kindness, your willingness to help me. But as much as I love your visits, I don't want to drift a kyle between you and Spencer. I care about you too much to see you hurt."
Aria chuckled. "You have changed, you know? I don't think a month ago you would say these words, let alone think them."
"Love changes you. It makes you do stupid things."
"Alex.", Aria warned slightly. She was still a little uncomfortable. She knew about Alex's feelings and Alex wasn't shying away from proclaiming her feelings for Aria either. She wasn't used this attention from anyone other than Ezra. It felt a little weird. But she couldn't deny she didn't enjoy the fact that someone other than Ezra felt so much for her. It felt good to be wanted, especially after her and Ezra's heavy phone call and the lack of reaching out Ezra had done so far. Maybe he was done with her. She had told him she wanted space. But that didn't mean necessarily that she didn't expect him to call her.
"Aria.", came the reply, and Alex's eyes twinkled mischievously in flirtation.
"You look really beautiful today, did I tell you?"
"No,", Aria laughed. "But you look healthier. Looks like you're eating. That's good. How is treatment going?"
"Me and Dean talk a lot. It helps to deal with things. It helps me get my anger issues in charge a little. We talk about you, too, you know."
"I figured." Aria smiled softly.
"I told him you're my saving angel. I don't know what I would have done without you here. When I look back at the things I did to you and you're friends I see a whole other person. I cannot believe I abducted Hanna. I am sorry, Aria. I am a monster."
"I won't say you weren't. I don't know what you did to Hanna, and she will probably never forgive you for that. And I still can't understand how you could shoot Spencer knowing she was your sister. But I do know you have changed and that you are sorry. And if Ali could give Charlotte a second chance, so can I give you one."
"Can I kiss you, Aria?"
Aria was taken aback. She had never excepted Alex to so bluntly ask her that. She had half expected her to interrupt her and take her by surprise and just kiss her again. But she had never in a million years thought Alex would ever ask permission to do so. She felt her cheeks grew warm and something tingle in her stomach, but she knew she couldn't take this too far.
"Close your eyes.", Aria demanded and Alex did as asked without even questioning it. Aria's eyes looked over Alex and with one hand she reached out to trace fingers over her face, until she held her chin in place. She leaned in slowly, and before she could change her mind she pressed her lips to the corner of the girl's mouth, letting them linger there for a few seconds. Alex didn't move. Tracing the girl's cheek once more, Aria drew her lips back slowly.
Alex's eyes fluttered open, a shy smile playing on her lips, and Aria had never seen her look so flustered. She smiled that for once Alex seemed to be so affected by Aria's actions and couldn't help but find her adorable.
"Listen.", Alex said later, after a comfortable wave of silence passed them. "I really don't want you to go through trouble because of me, Aria. I don't want to drift you and Spencer apart. I sometimes feel like you feel forced to visit me."
"I don't feel forced when I visit you, Alex. I want you to get better. And I hope that one day I can make Spencer understand and I surely hope she can forgive you - and me. I think she would like to have a twin sister that cares."
"How can you be so kind? How can you be so optimistic? I love that about you, you know? You're ability to forgive. I know what Ezra did to you."
Aria's cheeks turned rosy and she could feel the shy blush on her face. She was still a little uncomfortable whenever Alex was expressing her feelings for Aria so openly. Aria knew that Alex probably didn't even notice and she didn't want to make her feel anything other than comfortable so she didn't say anything. She tried to smile. She had never been good at taken compliments. And even though it was a weird situation, she couldn't help but feel good about being wanted. Alex had changed. And Aria was feeling more and more relaxed in her presence. She looked forward talking to her and she hoped that they could soon talk somewhere else than in Alex's tiny cell. Aria had talked to Dean and just like Alex had told her he had explained that Alex was making great progress. And he had even promised that Alex would be allowed some hours in the lobby with other patients if she kept following directions and kept up with her therapy sessions.
"Aria? Can I ask you something?"
Aria noticed that they had stayed in silence for some good time now and she nodded at Alex, always happy when she reached out to her.
"Do you think -", Alex stopped then suddenly. Her head shook wildly and she made a small, rigid movement with her hand as to say "forget it". She turned away from Aria, making Aria frown in worry.
"Alex. What is it? You can trust me."
Alex kept her gaze away from her visitor, continuing to shake her head.
"It's not about trusting you, Aria. It's silly. I am being silly. Forget it, please?"
Aria didn't know why she felt the sudden urge to touch her, but she reached out anyway and took the girl's chin lightly between her thumb and forefinger, turning her head to meet her eyes. When she did so, she almost wished she hadn't. Her heart broke a little. A few tears were making its way down on Alex's face.
"Alex.", Aria tried, but the red eyed girl refused to answer.
"Please stop.", she whimpered. Her voice cracked and Aria knew Alex was hurting.
"Please, let go." Her body shook with quiet sobs.
"Why?" Aria's concern for the girl in front of her grew. She didn't know how to help.
"Alex, you can tell me anything.", she tried again and finally Alex seemed to have calmed down a little. She moved her head, and Aria had no choice but to let her chin go.
"You will think I am crazy. That I belong in this place."
"No.", and even Aria was shocked at how confident and determined her voice sounded.
"Promise?"
"I promise." And she smiled too, just to make sure how serious she was.
"Do you think -" she started again and Aria urged her to continue. "That sometime in the future, when I get better, when I am normal again and healed. Do you think there might ever be the chance for someone like me to be with someone like you?"
Aria's breath got caught and she couldn't hide how the shock of Alex's words washed over her. She half expected Alex to try and change her words, or to take them back - or even to get angry at Aria for taking so long to say something - but Alex didn't move. She looked at Aria and waited with patience and something Aria had rarely seen in her eyes. Fear. Fear of rejection. Aria closed her eyes for a moment, trying to think of something to say - without lying to herself, without hurting Alex. She could feel the sensation of Alex's lips on hers, she would be lying if she said she hadn't liked it. Alex was attractive. Of course she was. And Aria felt something warm whenever they talked. Whenever they were close.
So? Would she even consider being with a woman?
She had kissed some of her girl-friends during drunken nights. Had even kissed Hanna once. With tongue. But hadn't really felt anything other than the vodka from the shots that they had taken. She had kissed Spencer in DC, had wanted for Spencer to do so much more than just kiss her, than just make out with her. Aria stopped. Not allowing her thoughts to go further. She almost felt like she shouldn't think about that night. It felt forbidden. It felt wrong. To think about it when they had both agreed it was nothing but an experience between friends. To think about it when Spencer clearly had forgotten it had ever happened in the first place. She tried to push away the feelings that were trying to make it through the surface. She shook all thoughts of Spencer aside.
She focused on Alex and tried focusing on what she had asked Aria. Could she? Be ready for something? With her? She just didn't know. But she couldn't say she wouldn't ever be - either. So she settled for something between a sigh and a quiet laugh and moved forward again pressing a firm kiss onto Alex's forehead, and then her cheek. Letting her lips linger there for a little too long, before taking her hand.
"Maybe." She said, finally, and she smiled. And it grew a little wider when Alex smiled back.
...
"Spencer?", she heard her name being called and turned to Ali who frowned. "Where is your head at? I called you like ten times. If you are not ready -"
"I am! Sorry! I am!"
"Okay. So let's get over this financial bills one more time and when we are done we can get something to eat. My treat, okay?"
"Okay.", she smiled and felt slightly better. She tried to focus on Ali and the numbers, to give some input and to go over everything in detail so they wouldn't miss anything. The ranch was doing good. They had their continuous number of regular visitors and it made Spencer happy to have done something productive with the place. But right at that moment she couldn't really concentrate on the incomes, and outcomes and maintenance costs and the debate wether or not to hire more staff. She watched Alison go over there numbers again. She couldn't help but wonder when Alison knew she was in love with Emily. When she knew she wasn't solely interested in men. She knew for Emily it had been different. She had dated Ben a little while but then quickly began to understand that what she had felt for Ali was different, and she had started to fall in love with Maya. They had been young then however, innocent. But for Ali it must have been different. She had been with so many men before realizing Emily was the one. Hell, she had even married crazy Archer Dunhill. So how had she realized it was Emily? And was Emily the only woman she had ever thought of being with romantically? Spencer had had her fare share of boyfriends and lovers herself, but lately Aria had been on her mind constantly. And the night before had only been more proof that Spencer had developed feelings for her best friend that went so much beyond friendship. She felt the need to be near her constantly. And it has been difficult not thinking about her when they had basically lived together for weeks now. She loved having Aria over. She felt relived that her best friend had cut ties with Ezra Fitz. And she was glad she was able to spend so much time with her. But she knew she would never have the courage to tell her how she really felt. It didn't matter anyway. Aria would never return those feelings. And on top of it all, Spencer didn't know why Aria seemed to be hiding something from her. Something important. She felt like Aria was slowly avoiding her, and Spencer didn't like it at all. All she wanted was to have her close.
"Spencer?", Alison's voice grounded her to earth again and she sighed loudly, feeling exhausted as her mind couldn't stop spinning.
"Let's get something to eat. You look tired."
"Can we order in? I don't feel like going out."
"Sure. Is Chinese okay? Or do you prefer Italian or something?"
"Chinese is good." She smiled, trying to let Alison know she appreciated this and thanking her without using the words. Since she had found out that she was Mary's daughter and in fact Alison's cousin both of them had grown closer. Their bond had become stronger and Spencer was glad that somehow something good came out of this whole mess.
When the food arrived, both of them ate in silence. Spencer knew that Alison sensed that something was up and she couldn't hold in any longer what she had wanted to ask Ali since they started setting things right at the Last Woods.
"If I ask you something, do you promise to keep this to yourself and not judge?"
Ali eyed her with a curious look but nodded. "Of course."
"When did you know that Emily was the one you wanted to be with?"
Ali looked confused for a moment, but she might have remembered her promise to Spencer because she parted her lips and started talking.
"I think deep down I always knew that I was in love with Emily. That's why I flirted with her when we were younger, that's why I practiced kissing with her and not you guys."
She laughed a little and Spencer guessed she was thinking of some memory.
"But I was also very self driven and controlling back then. I strived to be perfect, and different and mysterious. And liking, or even loving a girl was not an option back then. I kissed guys, slept with some, dated very few and even married a scumbag as you know." She rolled her eyes at this. "And it's not that I didn't enjoy being with them. I even thought I was in love. And I definitely was attracted to them. And I am still attracted to men sometimes. But I have never really felt anything more than friendship for a woman, besides Emily of course. And somehow it made it even more special to me. Over the time I was away, I realized I missed Emily the most. But I also felt like I didn't deserve her fully. I fell in love with Emily's character, with her kindness and her compassion. And then I fell in love with her eyes, and somehow I fell for everything else as well. But I also fell in love with the way she loved me. But if you ask me for a moment when I knew, probably when I saw her with Paige and felt so jealous I wanted to rip them apart."
Spencer sighed it was a little like that for her, too. Aria was the only woman she had over thought of being with. She was the only woman she had ever really kissed on the lips, and not even after Aria's visit - on the very few occasions she went to a college party and played some drinking game - had she wanted to kiss another girl.
"Why did you ask me, Spencer?"
Spencer was at loss of words. Could she tell her? It was driving her crazy, having all these feelings bottled up in her and not sharing it with anyone. She wanted to talk to Ali. But she wasn't sure if she was brave enough to tell her everything.
"I am really confused.", she admitted and Ali's eyes searched for more.
"I think I am in love with her." There. She had said it. Out loud. For the first time. And she smiled then. Feeling relieved that she had finally gotten to admit it to herself out loud and more importantly - someone else.
"In love with Emily?!" And even though Spencer was shaking inside, she laughed at Ali's wide eyes.
"No, not Emily. You don't need to worry."
"Who is it?", Ali pressed, expecting an answer.
"Aria. I think I am in love with Aria.", Spencer whispered and Ali's eyes warmed at her, nodding slowly as to have Spencer know that she understood. That she would try and help Spencer figure this out. Spencer noticed how Ali was about to speak, when suddenly she heard another voice and her face went pale.
"Holy shit!"
...
Sooo who do you think heard Spencer's confession? Any guesses? Hope you liked the chapter and I appreciate any kind of feedback! The more you review the more I feel happy to write. Until next time. Much love!