Hey :) I am back with yet another chapter. Thank you for sticking with me. I don't know why recently the reviews have become fewer and less people have looked at my story, but I still want to thank each of you who takes the time to send me a quick opinion or a few kind words to my story and/or my writing. And I do want to also thank all you anonymous readers. I know Sparia is a very small ship and I don't want to complain about not getting enough reviews or hits because for me writing has also become a well loved hobby and I enjoy writing this as much as you hopefully enjoy reading it. I know I make mistakes, and as English is unfortunately not my native language I am sometimes not entirely sure if it sounds good enough.
Anyway, I am rambling too much. This is going to be an intense chapter, focusing solely on Aria and Spencer and a long due confrontation. I do hope you enjoy my writing and I am thankful for every comment you leave. Thank you. And enjoy.
...
She stopped the car in front of the house she had called home so many years and exhaled deeply. She knew she wasn't ready to face Aria, but she didn't want to be a burden to any of her other friends so she had refused their offer to stay at one of their places. She stepped out into the night, tightening her cardigan a little around her body and made her way nervously to the barn. She promised herself not to lash out on her friend, to try and listen and maybe to even try to understand. She wished it was all some big misunderstanding, and almost prayed it was another move from A, or AD or whoever would play the game next. Having to handle another anonymous person taunting her was something Spencer could deal with, but being betrayed by one of her best friends, one of the few people she loved on this planet was something she wasn't prepared for.
As Spencer stepped into the warm of her place, her heart felt her presence before her eyes could see her. She felt a rush pass through her body. The tiny woman was curled up on Spencer's couch, watching something on the bright TV screen on the other side of the room. Spencer walked wordlessly up to the TV and turned it off, ignoring the fake protests from Aria on the couch. She turned to look at her then. Aria raised an eyebrow, her lips were still curled up into a small smile and she scooted over to make room for Spencer. Spencer didn't smile but sat down next to Aria anyway with her face remaining stoic. She wasn't sure how to start. Just as she was about to say something, Aria's phone rang. Once. Twice. A third time. She noticed how Aria didn't even look at it. The phone stopped ringing. But only for seconds, and the ringtone started again.
"Go ahead. Answer it. It seems important.", her voice was cold and emotionless. Somehow Spencer figured it was Alex calling her. She couldn't express what she felt just when she thought about the two of them talking to each other. It made her blood run cold and her hair stand on end.
"It's okay. You look upset. What's wrong?" Spencer hated how sweet Aria sounded, like she actually cared. How could she act so innocent when she was stabbing a knife so deep into Spencer's back that she could feel herself crumbling down deeper and deeper every passing second?
"Spencer?", came Aria's voice again and the smaller woman reached out a hand. With force she pushed it away, making Aria scoot away in disbelief, hurt reflected in her eyes. "Are you - ", she began but her phone rang again.
"For god sakes, Aria! Answer your damn phone!", Spencer yelled out in annoyance, surprising not only Aria but herself in the process. Aria shook her head, turning the phone off and tossing it to the side before Spencer could snatch it away from her hand.
"I bet Alex doesn't like it when she is being ignored.", Spencer snorted before she could stop herself and Aria dropped the phone she was still holding. Fear and regret swirled in the brown orbs before her.
"Spencer.", Aria began, her eyes went wide and her lips parted in shock. "How – How did you find out?" Her words were whispered, laced with panic.
Not being able to stand it anymore, Spencer let out a desperate snicker, before growing serious. "I called her! I found that peace of paper you dropped and I called the number and guess who picked up? What the hell Aria? What the fuck are you doing with AD behind our back, behind my back?! I trusted you!"
Spencer had long pushed herself up from the couch, and was now pacing around the room, trying to resist the urge to smash things down in her living room.
"You went through my things? That note was personal. It could have been anyone, you know. You should've asked me first before acting on such impulse!"
Spencer didn't understand why Aria was trying to turn things around. Sure, it wasn't the most honest thing she had done, and she kind of had invaded her privacy, but the other girls had talked her into it, and besides it was so not the point! Aria was to blame! She was the one who betrayed them! She was the guilty one!
"Do not try and spin this around, Aria! You know what's worse, though? You don't even deny having talked to that monster! Has she brainwashed you? Is she blackmailing you or something? Because I cannot come up with one good reason why you would voluntarily speak to the one person who has made our life a living hell! She kept me captive, Aria! She tried to kill me!"
"Spencer.", Aria rose from her seat. And despite Spencer's outburst, she still seemed calm, making Spencer's rage rise inside her. She turned away from her, not being able to stand looking at her doe eyes.
"I am sorry.", came the lame apology and Spencer laughed at how ridiculous Aria sounded.
"You are sorry?! Sorry?! I have never felt so betrayed in my whole life! You were my best friend, Aria! I don't even know who you are anymore!", her rage was not stopping soon and she let out a loud scream. "I hate you!", she choked out, hoping Aria wouldn't see the tears that were starting to fall from her eyes.
"Let me explain." Spencer knew Aria was crying by then as well, but she told herself not to care.
"Explain? How many times do you actually want to explain? What has she done to you that you would not only betray us once but twice?"
"She is sorry, Spencer. She is being treated, and she is getting better. She loves you, Spencer. She does. You are her sister."
"The hell I am! Would a sister really shoot her own twin sister hoping she would die so she could take over for her? What the hell has she done to your brain?" She crumbled to the floor. Shaking her head in disbelief as she pressed her palms to her shut eyes, not wanting to see her friend at all. She tried to breathe in and out while her shoulders were heaving up and down. The ache she felt grew with every passing moment and soon gut wrenching sobs tore through her heart, relieving her from the pressure built inside her chest. In the corner of her eyes she saw Aria move towards her slowly, heard her voice as she begged for Spencer to listen.
"Spencer, please. Let me explain. Let me tell you from the beginning. And then you can yell and you can shout and you can throw all the insults at me that you know. But please try to listen.", Aria whimpered, sliding down to the floor as well, leaning her back against the wall.
…
There was silence. But silence didn't mean a no, right? And that meant that it was an approval, right? Aria decided to wait a few more seconds, but Spencer didn't say anything else, so Aria decided to try and explain. She knew it would take a lot more than an explanation for Spencer to ever forgive her. She could see the hurt and the disappointment in her eyes. She hoped Spencer would listen. Aria couldn't lose her. She had become the one person she could rely on in times of need, she had become her safe haven without Spencer realizing it. She had saved her from falling apart, saved her from Ezra, and Aria prayed that their friendship would survive this hardship.
So she started at the beginning, telling her about every phone call she made to Philly and every visit she took to see her twin sister. Told her how she wanted Alex to get better because she wanted Spencer to actually have a real chance at having a sister. She told her how sorry Alex was and how Alex had wanted Aria to fill in Spencer about their visits so she wouldn't get in between the two friends. She told her about every conversation they had and every detail Dean had discussed with Aria about Alex's condition. And even though, Spencer didn't move, didn't make a noise, Aria knew she listened. After revealing everything to her, everything but her feelings and the tiny detail of the more intimate moments they had shared, she looked for some kind of reaction; hoped for Spencer to say something.
"Is that it?", Spencer's voice sounded challenging, daring even.
"Yes."
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I was afraid. I was afraid you would freak out, which is your total right by the way, but I was scared you - ", she couldn't finish then. She feared it would sound worse saying what she really felt.
"Scared of what, Aria?"
"I was scared you would hate me.", came the small reply. And even though it wasn't what she had planed to say, it wasn't a lie either.
"Why would Alex care if you visited her?" Spencer's words stung. And Aria didn't know what to say. Should she be honest? Could she tell Spencer the truth?
"The truth, Aria. And don't try to lie to me again. I don't even know why I am even giving you this chance! So you better not screw it up!"
Aria sighed, preparing herself for what was about to come.
"She is in love with me."
Spencer's head moved and suddenly she looked up. It was the first time in minutes that they held eye contact. Her brown eyes were wide opened and Aria could hear the gasp that was escaping her lips. She looked for some kind of emotion, but found none.
"She is playing with you.", Spencer's voice turned cold and Aria began to feel helpless.
"I don't know if she is.", she said. And to some extent it was the truth. While part of her believed Alex whenever she expressed her feelings for her, the other part was still careful around the British girl.
"But she is letting me help her. And she is making progress."
"Help her, huh?", Spencer's spiteful laugh echoed through the dimmed living room. "By what? Sleeping with her? Her being AD didn't stop you from making out with her before, that's for sure."
It felt like a slap right across her cheek. It hurt. Her words stung, and Aria knew Spencer wanted them to hurt. Spencer wanted her to feel ashamed and she had a feeling Spencer wouldn't stop until she collapsed and begged for her to stop.
"I am not sleeping with her, Spencer.", Aria was still trying not to raise her voice. She wanted to talk. And she would let Spencer lash out as much as she wanted. She was just glad she hadn't kicked her out yet.
"Not yet. Tell me, Aria? What are those visits really for? Are they some fucked up booty call you go for? Is that why you left Ezra? Because he has become one of the good guys and you prefer to go for the predators?"
"It is not like that. You know I am not into - ", she stopped. Not into what? Women? Is that what she was about to say? Not into women?
"Not into what?" Suddenly Spencer rose from her sitting positing, the rage was still radiating from her body and Aria could only stare wordlessly as Spencer let herself fall down next to her.
"Not into women?" She could feel Spencer's breath tickling down her neck, that's how close Spencer was leaning into her. She closed her eyes, trying to block out what was happening around her. She tried to ignore the tingling feeling she felt when Spencer brushed a strand of her hair out of her face to whisper into her ear. "Are you nervous? Do I make you nervous because I am a woman? Did you turn into a lesbian?"
"Stop it." Aria couldn't take this anymore. This was too much. She knew Spencer was too outraged to notice what was going on. In fact, she was behaving so irrational she might not even remember why she acted this way in the first place.
"Why? Because you would rather touch my sister?", her icing words were accompanied by a firm grip on her left arm. A wave of pain rushed through her.
"Spencer, stop.", Aria pleaded.
But Spencer didn't stop. Instead, she tightened the forceful grip on Aria's arm, making her wince as she felt Spencer's fingernails bore into her skin.
"You're hurting me." It was only a whisper, but Aria hoped Spencer would let go.
"Not as much as you're hurting me!", the taller girl countered. Heavy tears were streaming down both their faces, creating waterfalls that cascaded down their swollen eyes.
"How could you do that to me?" The circling hand around Aria's arm clutched stronger around her thin arm and finally, Aria cried out as the sharpness of nails scratched into her flesh. Aria's sudden cry made Spencer snap out of her fury in an instant and she released the hold on Aria almost immediately. She slid away from her in disbelief and exhaled heavily. Both women didn't move, but Spencer's gaze was still fixed on the red marks on Aria's arm that started to show and the small amount of blood that was dripping out of one of the scratch wounds.
Aria noticed how Spencer's eyes grew in fear as she looked at what she had done. Afraid she was thinking back to the time she thought she had hurt Ali with that shovel or the time she woke up covered in blood in the Dollhouse, she crouched to her friend's side. Spencer was shaking uncontrollably, her breaths being short and fast, and Aria reached out her hand to place it on Spencer's cheek to stop her from shaking.
"I am sorry. Oh god. I am sorry. Shit, I am so sorry." Her words were barely audible through her sobs.
"It's okay. It's fine.", she tried to calm Spencer down, fearing she was going to have a panic attack. "I am okay, Spencer. It doesn't hurt anymore.", Aria lied for her best friend's sake but Spencer shook her head. She turned away from Aria, slowly rising up from the floor.
"I hurt you.", Spencer shook her head repeatably. "I was freaking out and I - "
Aria got up from the floor as well but she tried to keep a distance, not wanting for Spencer to disappear if she was about to step too close to her.
"Spencer, it's okay. You are upset. Let's talk. Really talk. I am not mad. I am the one who screwed up."
"I think you should go.", her voice was filled with sadness and regret and Aria knew she couldn't let them part now - Not if it meant Spencer would be blaming herself all night. She dared to step closer.
"You would never hurt me Spencer. You stopped yourself before it was even really hurting." She closed the distance between them so they were no more than an inch apart.
"Don't push me away. Please, don't push me away. I am sorry for not telling you about Alex. I am. I wanted to tell you. I did. I didn't want you to find out about it like this. And I know you don't understand me. I don't understand me. But she needed help, and she is still your sister. So she is family. I am sorry, I know you don't think that way, but – I am sorry. I won't talk about her anymore. Just please forgive me. I need you to forgive me. You are my best friend. You are the one person I need to forgive me, to take me back. I cannot live without you, Spencer."
Aria hesitantly moved her arms around Spencer's tense body and when Spencer didn't push her away, she laid her head against her chest – she listened to the rapid beating of her friend's heart. With a trembling hand she traced circles on her friend's back from behind, wanting Spencer to relax. She hold her tightly, even though Spencer was motionless, even though her arms hang stiff at her sides. She needed Spencer to believe how sorry she was. "Don't let go.", Aria whispered in a broken voice as she continued to press her ear against Spencer's heart. "Please don't let go."
…
Hours later they laid on the couch. No word had passed between them. After standing in the middle of the living room, Aria had taken hold of her hand and let them to sit on the couch. Spencer didn't fight it as she was too afraid she might hurt Aria again. Once seated, Aria had curled into her, pressing her small form into Spencer's and intervening her fingers with hers. And even though every fiber in her body wanted to pull away from her because of how betrayed and devastated she felt about Aria going to visit Alex in Philadelphia she couldn't bring herself from untangling her body from hers. She couldn't help the warm feeling she felt at having Aria so close to her. Even if she wanted the feelings to disappear, she coudn't stop loving her. Her breaths had steadied and all Spencer heard was the light snoring noises coming from an asleep Aria. Subconsciously her eyes moved towards the girl's arm that was pressed against her body and she winced when she noticed how the bruises were slowly forming. Tears stung behind her eyes as she thought about her actions. What was wrong with her?! Sure, Aria had betrayed her, she had crushed her heart and wrecked her inner self and not only has she betrayed her but their best friends as well but she still didn't deserve to being physically hurt. She wanted to run, to flee. It was all too much. She had hurt the girl she was in love with. How had it been possible for Spencer to hurt her best friend like that? Why hadn't she stopped and noticed the force that she had grabbed Aria with? The room was suffocating and she could barely hold on. She tried to move out of Aria's hold on her without waking her, but it was useless. She felt Aria shift then. Her head moved up from Spencer's chest, so she was looking right back at her.
"Hi.", Aria whispered and Spencer tried not to smile at the way her eyes fluttered open. It was a curse to be in love with your best friend.
Spencer didn't say anything. Her focus was still on Aria's arm and she was still trying to wiggle out underneath Aria's touch.
"Spencer, Please. Let's talk. No secrets anymore. I promise."
Spencer's eyes widened in surprise. "You do?"
"Yes." She didn't know if she had ever heard Aria sound so convincing.
"I don't know, Aria."
"Please. You can ask anything you want and I will answer. I swear. I love you too much to let this ruin our friendship." Spencer sighed. She didn't want to lose Aria either, even if her heart felt like bleeding.
"Okay.", she agreed and Aria's eyes closed briefly before she opened them again and smiled at her. There was a pause then and Spencer knew Aria was waiting for her to ask questions.
"What did she tell you the night you two talked alone in your bedroom?"
"She told me she was sorry that things went this far. She explained she was jealous of you, that she lost her mind. And explained she was in love with me and that's part of why she kidnapped you and Ezra. She wanted to pretend to be you so she could be with me, but I had figured out her plan. And then she told me she was sorry for the things she's done to us."
"She is nuts!" Spencer tried to sat up, anger rising inside her again, but the small hand of Aria's pressed onto her shoulder, gripping her shirt to prevent her from standing up.
"You promised we would talk."
"Fine.", she snorted. "Why did you start visit her this late? What made you change your mind?"
"When you were having that breakdown and I called to check if she was still there, the nurse asked me if I was ever going to come and visit. They thought it would be good for her healing process."
"Of course it would. So what? You visit her and you talk? About what?"
"Spencer."
"You said no secrets, Aria!"
"We talk about her condition, about the therapy sessions she has to go through. Sometimes we talk about normal things, too."
Spencer nodded. Then suddenly a thought popped up in her mind and she was a little wary to ask, but she needed an answer. "You said she is in love with you. Does she ever like - flirt with you? Did she try something?"
It took Aria a few seconds to reply, and Spencer already knew the answer. Before Aria could even speak, Spencer cut through.
"Just tell me what that bitch did." She was done playing games.
"Promise me you will not get mad. Promise that you will stay."
"I don't know if I can do that.", she could barely get the words out.
Aria's eyes filled with tears. "Please."
"Fine.", she forcefully agreed.
Aria exhaled slowly, and then she rushed out the words like ripping of a band aid in full speed. "She kissed me again. And then she freaked."
Spencer felt her blood boil. She wanted nothing more than to grab her car keys and give her sister a fine peace of mind. She hated Alex for messing with Aria. She should've payed more attention to Aria's weird behavior. How much more messed up could her life have become? Not only had she grown to love her tiny friend, but much worse - so had apparently her evil twin sister. Fate was cruel like that.
"She did what?", Spencer hoarsely asked. "Tell me that was the last time you saw her!"
"Spencer, you don't understand. She is really confused."
"Confused my ass!" Then she grew nervous, and angry again. "Oh my god! You didn't actually kiss her back, did you? Tell me you didn't actually enjoy kissing her!" She felt her heart throbing wildly against her chest as she waited for an answer.
"Spencer." This wasn't what she wanted to hear.
"Tell me!", she yelled out and Aria let go of her shirt and let Spencer jump up from the couch again. She hovered over the smaller woman, desperately wanting Aria to deny the actions and feelings Spencer had accused her of.
"I am trying here, Spencer. It's really complicated." And that was the last strike to the fragile heart of the over achiver. The once so smart girl felt really dumb and she felt all hope vanish in front of her closed eyes.
"Please tell me you don't actually like her.", Spencer whimpered. She was not longer shouting, too exhausted to bend her voice.
"I can't tell you that." Aria was silently crying by now and Spencer could hear the hurt in her words, the nervousness, the battle inside her.
"Are you going to see her again? Do you want to see her again?" It was a broken whisper that Spencer could barely get out. Her eyes were locked with another pair of brown and she nervously held her gaze.
"I – Yes, I think so."
Those words hurt. Everything inside her ached. She had experienced heartbreak before. She had known pain all her life, had lived years with the fear of rejection – but this was different. This was worse than any heartbreak, worse than any repulse. This was not only her crush hurting her, but her best friend as well.
And then, without realizing, without even thinking about the meaning behind them, or even the consequences, she let the bitter words escape her dry lips:
"You need to chose. I can't do this anymore. It's me or Alex, Aria. It's me or her."
...
Sorry for the cliffhanger! I think I know where I want the story to go, but I still want to hear what you guys think :) I would love to get some feedback on this and hoped you liked it! :))