(Rating: Strong T)
Hello! It's me again :) I am back from holiday and finally had some time to update this story :) I hope you guys like it.. it's still a long way to go for Sparia to be happy! Thank you again for all the support and the reviews, you are awesome! Thanks for all the kind works and I am happy that you are enjoying this story so much! I apologize in advance for no Alex in this chapter - but she will be back in the next one! Promise :)
Have fun reading it, enjoy :)
Spencer threw the remaining clothes that lay shattered on the floor into her suitcase as tears rushed down her pale face. She needed a break. A time to breathe and to find herself again. She felt lost. Her emotions couldn't stop swirling and her heart didn't stop breaking. She pushed away the small doubts forming inside her head and ignored the whispering inner voice in the back of her mind that sounded too much like Aria, pleading her to stay. She couldn't stay. She needed a fresh start. She needed to be away from Rosewood again. It was too much for her to cope with. She needed to be alone, away from all the drama a small town like Rosewood could hold, away from the one person that kept bruising her delicate heart until there was nothing left to break.
36 hours before
Her heart stopped as Aria's brown eyes starred back into hers and the hand that had reached for her arm in desperation had now travelled up to grasp her shivering chin. As Spencer's eyes danced with Aria's in the dimming street lights, the taller girl felt suddenly light headed and she couldn't think straight anymore. All she could think of was Aria and the beauty she held as she looked up at her. Maybe it was the remaining of alcohol that clouded her rationality or maybe it happened because for once her heart took over her brain, but not even a minute had passed and Spencer's hands flew to Aria's cheekbones to hold her in place and a second after she dipped down to lay her lips on hers. She almost let out a tiny moan as she felt Aria kiss back immediately, her slim arms reaching up around Spencer's neck to bring her even closer to her. Spencer smiled into the kiss, feeling the rush of the alcohol being replaced with desire and love for the brunette in her arms. For a while Spencer thought she was dreaming but then Aria let out a small giggle and she felt the smaller woman run her tongue over Spencer's bottom lip. The moan Spencer had tried to hold back escaped her lips and Aria's tongue slipped into her mouth as it found Spencer's to dance with in rushed circles. Spencer's hands couldn't stop moving as they had left Aria's rosy cheeks and had travelled down her body. They moved in sync for a long time, as tongues battled for dominance and hands caressed the other's body and Spencer felt herself slipping into a state of delirium. It wasn't until she felt Aria's lips part from hers that she crashed back into reality. Adrenaline rushed through her veins and she suddenly realized what was happening around her. Her eyes searched for Aria's. She was terrified to find the one thing that she would never be able to stand in them. Regret. Finally, she made eye contact with Aria's still fluttering orbs and as Aria looked up at her, Spencer nearly fainted as she saw the dark color reflecting in those beautiful eyes of her best friend. Not being able to talk, Spencer rose a hand to Aria's face to caress it softly as she placed a loving kiss to her forehead as her other hand brought her close, wanting Aria to know how much she enjoyed this moment and telling her silently she would not let go. She felt Aria's body move even closer and felt tiny hands encircle her back as Aria rested her small head to Spencer's chest, breathing in and out and sighing softly, making Spencer's heart flutter in happiness. She had never imagined for Aria to want her back. Had never imagined being able to feel so much for another human being. Suddenly, all the love she had carried for Toby for such a long time felt foolish compared to the amount of desire and adoration she felt for the woman she held in her arms right at this moment. No words were exchanged between the two, but Spencer felt Aria slip slowly out of their embrace. She feared that the moment was ruined but soon felt a hand clasp around hers and Aria led them away from the chilly night, back to her house.
Spencer felt nervous as Aria closed the front door behind them and she followed her to the living room where Aria sat down on the couch and was tugging Spencer's hand to sit with her. When Spencer sat down, she felt Aria's body move closer and her chin buried into her shoulder, their hands still firmly connected. Not being able to stand the silence, Spencer was the first to speak.
"I can't believe this is real."
She wiped away the tears as the memories flooded her mind. Her body was betraying her as she still could feel Aria's hot breath on her skin and her lips graze hers in a feather touch. Angrily she slammed the suitcase shut and grabbed her phone and ID from her nightstand. She was ready to head out of the door when she heard her phone ring. She sighed as she realized who was calling and quickly rejected it. She thought she had made it clear to Aria that she didn't want to talk anymore. She was tired of talking, tired of hurting. She finally understood that Aria and her would never be real, at least not in the sense Spencer wanted them to be. With one last look to the barn she moved out of the doorway and closed the front door – ready to take some time away from Rosewood and the problems it had caused her during all those years. She knew she should have returned to Washington a long time ago, but her sense of loyalty and her protective nature had made it impossible to turn her back on her friends before. Now it was different. AD was gone, or at least she was locked away in psych and her friends weren't blackmailed or traumatized anymore. It was the right time to go. Spencer finally felt ready to leave the small town behind. Her mother hadn't been to keen about the idea of her daughter leaving but she had been supportive enough to trust Spencer in her decisions. As she walked up the small path to her car, she wondered if her friends would ever forgive her for leaving without saying goodbye. A second later though she decided it was for the best as she was too scared of Aria finding out and trying to stop her. She would let them now that she was save and that she loved them and would miss them terribly. And she hoped they understood that it was something she had to do in order to move on. Move on from Rosewood. Move on from Alex. Move on from her shattered heart.
"Goodbye, Rosewood.", she whispered as the engine roared and off she went.
…
"Spencer, I know you don't want to talk right now, but please – call me back. I need to talk to you. We need to talk. I need to explain. You cannot just disappear into thin air and ignore me all day, you know? God! Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn all the time? Shit – I am sorry, I am. Just – Please let me know you're save, okay? Spence, I -"
"Fuck!", she yelled out at the peeping tone that indicated the time limit was reached and she threw the phone to her bed in frustration. Pacing around her rooms in circles, her mind couldn't stop spinning. She needed to talk to her. She needed to explain. Why was everything always so complicated in their lives? Why couldn't they be happy – just for once? It felt so good to just be and not having to worry, not having to think about consequences. She wished she could just go back to the night two days ago and make things right.
"It is.", she whispered with a smile and pushed Spencer down on the couch, hovering above her while admiring her beauty. Suddenly, she felt like everything made sense. This felt right. Spencer made her feel good. She made her forget about Alex and the drama of her recovery. She made her forget about Ezra and her failed relationship and almost marriage. She made her forget about her fears and doubts about the future. She closed the gap between them and crushed her lips onto Spencer's, tangling her fingers into thick long hair and enjoying the feeling of her body pressed against hers. She could feel Spencer shiver beneath her, could feel the rapid thumbing of Spencer's heart against her own chest and she was sure her heart was beating just as fast, finding the same rhythm. Lost in the kiss, she barely noticed how Spencer's hands had travelled from her back down her body. Only when she felt Spencer's cold fingers trace soft patterns on her bare skin did she let out a tiny moan that was soon silenced by Spencer's tongue dancing with hers. She couldn't help but notice how different it felt this time compared to when they had kissed in Washington. She was completely sober now and aware of her surroundings and unsurprisingly it made it all the more special. She felt her shirt being moved upwards and lifted her arms in response as the taller girl slipped the fabric over her head, their lips only parting for seconds. Opening her eyes she smiled down at her, her eyes dancing mischievously as her hands danced over the buttons of Spencer's blouse, popping them up one after the other and slipping it over her shoulders without losing contact. Lost in brown eyes, she let out a squeal as Spencer rolled them over, taking over control and dipping down to leave open mouthed kisses on her collarbone and down her chest.
"You always have to be the one in control, don't you?", she laughed and was answered by teeth biting softly at the edge of her bra that was soon being unhooked and thrown onto the pile of clothes on the floor. Aria let out a whimper as she felt wet kisses being pressed onto her breast and her nails scratched into the thin skin they could grasp on Spencer's back. As Spencer's tongue continued to tease her exposed chest, Aria shivered as her own teeth were sinking into a shoulder blade to suppress the urge to scream out in desire. Her other hand was holding tight to the mass of hair and as Spencer's kisses went down south and her own lips lost contact with the pale skin, she felt her best friend push down her jeans first. Needing something to hold on she let her hands fall to her sides and grasped the fabric of the couch. Spencer looked up briefly, her eyes asking for permission and as Aria nodded firmly Spencer pressed a light kiss to her left thigh before finally removing Aria's last piece of clothing. As Spencer's mouth wandered dangerously close down south, Aria closed her eyes and moaned out Spencer's name, anticipating what was about to come.
Even now she could feel how heat rushed through her veins at the solely thought of Spencer's hands on her skin or the feel of her lips against her own. Her mind still played with images of Spencer's mouth pleasuring her in a way she had never experienced before and the thought of Spencer's face the moment Aria had made her come with her fingers inside her made Aria want to take a cold shower. She would be lying if she said she had never imagined being with Spencer, especially after their night in Washington where she was ready to let herself go. However, no secretive fantasies nor her deep dreams had prepared her for the flood of emotions that had exploded inside her that night. She now knew that any attraction she felt for Alex had probably been because she had felt lonely, or maybe it was because she resembled Spencer so much that Aria's body had reacted to her flirty nature and Alex's adoration for her in such a way. After being with Spencer though all thoughts of being romantically involved with anyone else than her best friend since middle school had vanished and all she could think about was Spencer's words of declaration she wished she could have said back.
…
Slowly coming back from her high to reality, Spencer's arms continued their hold around Aria's naked body. Her trembling fingers danced over her porceilan skin in adoration and Spencer couldn't express the amount of emotions that just seemed to grow deeper inside her heart. For once, Spencer felt happy and it felt so good to her because the feeling had been pushed so far back into her mind that she had almost forgotten what it really felt like. Being with Aria, having her in her arms in such an intimate way and for her to be content enough to stay with her meant the world to her. It made Spencer forget all their troubles and hardships and formed the bright smile on her face she couldn't hide. She couldn't get enough of Aria though, so she kissed her neck softly and whispered into her ear, ignoring the giggling coming from the younger girl as her breath tickled her exposed skin. "You're beautiful." Aria turned to her slightly, pecking her on the lips and snuggled into her once more, clearly enjoying the way Spencer pressed her into her own body from behind. Spencer's mind was racing though. She couldn't stop thinking about this moment and what it meant for them. Being this close to Aria, Spencer suddenly felt brave enough to voice the words that played over and over inside her head, like a broken record, never stopping.
"I love you. God, Aria. I am so in love with you - it's driving me mad."
Looking back now, Spencer wished she had never said them. It didn't help that her mind was replaying the scene over and over in her head. She turned the radio station to another one, hoping to find some music that could set her mind free of thoughts of Aria, even though it seemed impossible. The longer she drove though, the farer she left Rosewood behind, the more relaxed she felt. She had already driven about an hour, so if she kept up with her speed she would be there in about three more hours. Away from Rosewood, away from all the drama, away from her.
…
"Aria?", Hanna answered the phone in a surprised voice.
"Hey. Have you talked to Spencer today? Do you know where she is?", Aria cut right to the topic, not wanting to waste any more time.
"No, I haven't. Why? What's wrong?"
"It's nothing. Don't worry, Han. I – I will call you back later, okay?"
She was about to hang up, when Hanna's voice sounded through the receiver again. "Did something happen between you two?" Her tone was softer now and Aria sighed deeply. "Did she tell you?", Hanna asked further and Aria went still.
"What do you know?"
"We know Aria. We know about you and that bitch. It was a shit move. You know that, right? I can't understand why you would do that to Spencer. You should have seen her, Aria. If you weren't my friend, too, I would ring your neck!"
"Okay, calm down now, Hanna. You just don't understand, okay? Spencer doesn't understand. That's your fucking problem. You don't want to understand!"
"Understand?! Aria, you're hooking up behind Spencer's back with her twin sister who was the one responsible for all of us being traumatized! How can you not see how fucked up this is? Do you not get what you're doing to Spencer? Hell, Aria! She is in love with you!"
Aria's breath got caught and she replayed Hanna's words in her mind.
"You know?"
"So she did tell you, huh? And what? You chose the crazy psych over her? Are you that insane?"
"It's not like that, Hanna. You know that I would never choose Alex over Spencer." Aria could barely form the words now, she felt trapped.
"You just don't love her like that, do you? I am sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at it you. It's not our fault who we fall in love with. I just hate seeing her this hurt. And I am still pissed at you for visiting AD."
Aria barely listened to what Hanna was saying, her mind drifted to Spencer again and her heart ached in a way she couldn't explain. She felt like hope was slipping away and in the end she had no one to blame but herself.
None of them moved for a few seconds and Aria tensed up in Spencer's arms. The taller girl sensed the change of air in the dark room and slowly released her arms around her midsection turning her slightly so they were looking at each other. Aria was scared. She hadn't expected Spencer to say these words and now that they were out there was no chance of taking them back. This would change everything between them at this very moment, and Aria wasn't sure if it was for the better or for worse. She couldn't get her lips to form words, so she stayed silent even though Spencer was begging her with her eyes to say something, she could read her like that, she always could. "Please say something.", the older girl spoke after more seconds had passed but Aria was too scared to let the words pass her lips. "Aria?", Spencer tried again, moving a little further away on the couch, creating space between them and Aria felt the cool air hit her body. "I don't know what to say.", she confessed finally and Spencer's eyes widened in shock and frustration.
"I just spilled my heart out to you, and you don't know what to say?"
The fear in Aria took over and she couldn't stop herself. "Spencer, I thought this was more like a spur of the moment thing?"
"What?" Aria could see the anger in Spencer's eyes but she didn't know how to clear up the mess she made.
"I am sorry, I like you Spencer – and this was – it was amazing, so much more than that. And I could never imagine being like this with any other woman, but - "
"But you're not in love with me?" Aria never thought that she would ever become the reason to see all the color of Spencer's face vanish and tears forming in her brown eyes as she tried to maintain her stoic face. She wanted to take her into her arms and whisper soothing words to her, trying to make this all better. But she couldn't. Because now it was her own self that was hurting her best friend like that.
"Spencer, I didn't know you felt that way. I am sorry, I - "
"Don't apologize.", she sighed. "I know it's not fair to you. We don't choose who we fall in love with."
"Spencer, please. Let me - "
"What's there to say, Aria? I am in love with you. I love you. I want to be with you. Tonight has been one of the best nights in so long for me. And I will forever remember this. You. But I know now it's not what you want."
"I wanted this! I don't regret this, Spencer! You - "
"I know.", Spencer leaned forward, kissed her temple quickly and drew back.
"But I can't stay here any longer."
Aria watched helplessly as Spencer got up from the couch behind her, fumbling with her clothes and trying to put them on without falling as she was moving so quickly.
"Please don't go.", she whimpered, not sure what to say but clearly not wanting Spencer to leave.
"Please stay."
"Tell me Aria.", Spencer spoke, her back turned towards her. "Tell me you didn't sleep with me because you needed someone close. I know you love me. I know you didn't intent to use me. But tell me. Do you want to be with me? Did you sleep with me just because you think I am attractive or because you realized you're in love with me and you couldn't imagine being without me? Because that's how I feel about you and if you're not feeling the same way I don't know how this could ever work." She hang her head then and moved to the door.
"You're my best friend.", Aria cried, her heart aching in pain as Spencer haltered at the door. "I didn't want to hurt you, Spence. I like you, I - I like you more than just a friend. Last night. It was like being in another universe and I know I want you. I know I am not there yet. But I think I could fall in love with you. You're this great girl and I know you inside out. So I want to try this. We could try!"
Spencer shook her head. "I don't want you to think, Aria, or to try. I want you to know. I am sorry. Goodbye."
"Aria? Are you still there? Are you okay?"
She let herself fall to the floor, her phone clutching in her hand and tears streamed down her hot cheeks while reliving the memory before her closed eyes.
"No, I am not okay. I need to see Spencer. I need to explain."
"Do you think that's a good idea?", Hanna's voice was calm but Aria noticed the worried tone it held.
"I am not going to hurt her, Han. I will call you back. I will try Em and Ali."
She hung up before Hanna could protest any further and dialed a new number.
"Hello?"
"Hey, have you or Ali seen Spencer lately? Like today?"
"No, why? What did you do?", Emily accused angrily into the phone and Aria was taken back by the harsh tone coming from the normally calm swimmer.
"Okay. Back off, Em. I know you know about me seeing Alex, and believe me I know it was wrong but if I tried to explain you wouldn't understand and right now I need to see Spencer. I just need to talk to her. Do you know where she is?"
"No, we don't know. And even if we did we wouldn't tell you. You hurt her, Aria. You better hope she is okay! Bye."
"Emily! Ali!", she tried but all she heard was the dial tone ringing in her ears and tiredly she slumped further to the floor, clueless what she should do next.
...
Sooo, still no happy Sparia, huh? It sucks. And I really do apologize about all those Alex/Aria fans! I do want Alex do continue to be a part of this story; but from this point on it will be more of a friendship between the two of them and Alex trying to get passed her feelings for Aria. But I do have someone in mind that could make Alex happy! :D
I hoped you are happy with this chapter, and please don't forget to leave some words, the tiniest message will make my day and put a smile on may face! :)