Hello again. Something rare happened today, I found motivation in writing and couldn't help but write this chapter. Thank you for those who keep reviewing and still read this story after such a long time of absence.
I hope you all enjoy this chapter, it's the beginning of the end. Is it a happy ending though?
Enjoy.
...
Spencer's mind was racing. Her heart pounded in sync with that of the sleeping girl resting on her chest, finding the rhythm of peace and calmness, all while her thoughts couldn't stop spinning. She was glad Aria had told her about Alex and Mona and she felt such a giant rock leave her shoulders that she had finally told Aria how scared she had felt that night Aria had been kidnapped by Ezra.
Thinking about the past months, she sometimes couldn't really believe that that was really her life. That this was actually reality. It seemed so bizarre and right out of a Thriller movie, but then again nothing had been normal since Alison's fake death. And when her eyes travelled to the one person she loved most, she knew she would go through it all again just to end up at that moment with Aria in her arms. As she listened to the soft breaths, she couldn't help but wonder how so much strength could fit into such a tiny body. Sometimes, she couldn't believe how many times she had come too close to lose her and she finally was ready to admit that she wanted to be happy, to be normal.
All her life, she had wanted to reach for the stars, be the best at everything, beat Melissa and be the independent, smart and ambitious woman her parents had tried to raise. After everything that has happened though, she longed for nothing more than simplicity. Simplicity with Aria Montgomery.
And for that she needed to set some things straight, to mend relationships, to swallow her pride and forgive people she knew had hurt her in a way that shouldn't be forgiven.
She wanted to talk to her mother, reach out to her as their relationship had somehow suffered again ever since she had been kidnapped and had distanced herself from almost everyone but Aria. She wanted to work with her again at the law firm, and not live off of her and her father's money that they were still sending her because they knew she was going through a phase of depression, as she once told them.
She wanted to thank the girls for all they had done for her, and she couldn't help but want a normal sleepover with them. Their group all together, watching a corny movie, eat some popcorn and talk about things like their jobs, Ali and Emily's girls and Hanna being tired of throwing up because of her pregnancy (the one she only really knew about because Aria had told her last night). She wished for simplicity.
And then, there was something else she wanted, something she was almost too scared to admit. She wanted to visit Alex. Alone. She knew she needed this in order to move on. In order for her to be normal and leave the past behind. Spencer had never understood Alison's relationship with Charlotte, but there was a part of her that wanted to at least talk to her. Aria had told her in detail last night what Hanna had told her before, and while it wasn't what normal couples would talk about while they were lying in each other's arms, sweaty and naked after several rounds of love making, it seemed pretty normal to them. Aria had told her that Alex had genuinely cared about her disappearance and that she had wanted to help the girls desperately to find her. Spencer couldn't help but see the softness of Aria's eyes as she talked about her sister, and it made her wonder if there was indeed some good in what was Alex Drake. She considered wanting simplicity with her sister, being able to see her as more than the monster she viewed her as. She pondered on that thought for a little longer, letting her mind wander.
„What are you thinking about?", came a soft whisper and Spencer turned to the voice slightly, seeing that Aria's eyes were still closed, and Spencer doubted she had even opened them to look at her.
„How can you know I am awake when your eyes are still closed?", she wondered in awe and Aria smiled as she snuggled into her, her right hand tracing small circles on her left arm.
„Do you think I have to open my eyes to know that something is troubling you?", she raised an eyebrow then, slowly looking up at Spencer and Spencer felt her heart melt.
„Simplicity.", she answered softly and pressed a kiss to the tiny brunette's hair.
„Hm?", came the confused answer and Spencer chuckled a little.
„I want simplicity. With you, with our friends... with my family. I want to feel normal again."
Aria smiled, lifting herself up a little so she could see eye to eye to her.
„Okay.", Aria nodded, catching her off guard and pecking her on the lips. „I am here to support you, you know? Whatever you decide, I am in."
„I want to visit Alex. Do you think that it is wrong? After everything that happened? After hurting us? After kidnapping me and Ezra? After hurting you? After spying on us? After finding out she manipulated my e-mail so I couldn't get a job?" Spencer sighed, her eyes heavy and her heart soared in a way she didn't know how to analyze.
„It's not wrong, Spencer. Whatever you decide is right. It's your life. It's your choice. " Assurance, guidance, support. Aria's voice was filled with those and more. Love and understanding. Another kiss to her slightly open lips sealed her words and her eyes didn't leave Spencer's.
„I want to go by my own. Is that, is that okay? I - ", she was interrupted by a kiss again, this one a little longer, and Spencer was about to slip her tongue past Aria's lips when her girlfriend broke the kiss. A small pout escaped Spencer's lips and Aria giggled lightly at that, cupping her cheek tenderly.
„It's your choice, Spencer.", she said and Spencer wondered if Aria knew the impact she had on her, she wondered if she knew how she was the reason, Spencer felt so brave and put together in all this.
„Ok then, it's settled. I am visiting Alex.", she breathed out.
„Okay, then." Aria gave her arm a small squeeze before she settled into her arms again, humming softly as Spencer began stroking her air.
…
Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest as she and Dean came to a stop in front of one of the heavy doors of hallway three.
Dean had led her through the small corridors, and her mind had flashed back to all the other times she had been in a mental institution. Radley had surely left a scar in her life she would never get rid off and she wondered what a place like this could do to people. Good or Bad.
As her head throbbed and her heart was beating so fast she could almost feel it come out of her chest, she felt a hand on her shoulder.
„It's going to be fine." She turned to look at Dean and nodded, feeling slightly better.
Her mind drifted back to the morning hours, as she and Aria had laid in bed together, cuddling and sharing stolen kisses, and the way her blood had rushed when she felt Aria's hand moving down south. Morning had turned into afternoon, and even though she had been reluctantly to leave, she had been sure she had to do this this same day. She had kissed Aria goodbye longer than usual and the writer had gave her the last reassurance she needed: I love you. You can do this, Spence. You are the strongest person I know. I know you can do this, Spencer Hastings. Call me if you need to hear it one more time.
Spencer wished she could call her in that moment, but before she knew it the door opened and she was led inside.
„You have a visitor.", Dean said and Spencer couldn't look anywhere but Alex. It was the first time seeing her since the day she had been admitted into this place so long ago.
„Spencer?" Alex's eyes grew wide, and Spencer couldn't read what flickered inside of them.
„Is it okay if I leave the two of you alone?", Dean asked.
„Yeah.", both of them answered at the same time and Spencer could see Dean trying not to chuckle at that. Her eyes travelled to the woman on the bed again, when she heard the door click.
„I must say I am surprised. I didn't expect you to ever step into this room." She twirled around a loose end of hair through her fingers.
„You cut your hair." It was the first thing that came to Spencer's mind as she looked at her.
It was cut short, only reaching her to the shoulders, and was colored a tone darker than before. She still looked very much like herself, but she didn't look like the copy she had seen months before either.
„Yep. I was kind of tired looking like someone I really wasn't, and the look was too boring anyway." Even though her tone was provocative, Spencer couldn't help but notice the soft undertone underneath.
„Aria told me some things, about you and Mona.", she began and Alex raised an eyebrow, smirking.
„Ahh. So that is why you are here. To yell at me? Go ahead then. I had had worse."
This wasn't what Spencer had been expecting when she came here, she didn't really want to fight. She was tired of fighting. She knew she should lash out, yell back, but she was too happy with her life at the moment to start a war again.
„I am not going to yell at you. I know you did it to break up me and Aria. I know you fell in love with her. And part of me is sorry for you, because she chose me. And I am not letting go of that, I can promise you that. You think I don't know what you feel, but I do. I didn't come here to yell at you. I want to make peace with myself, finally. And I had to come see you for that. You were the monster that wouldn't let me sleep, you were the nightmare I had woken up from again and again, and I want to understand. I want to know why." Her voice was calm, and strong, and determined, and even Spencer was surprised with how she handled this situation.
„Spencer -", Alex began, standing up from her position of the bed.
„No.", she held up a hand, didn't let Alex finish. She had to say this first. She had to get it all out, make herself free. She knew what she wanted. She didn't want to be scared of the demons in the dark anymore, the monsters under the bed, the fear of getting a text message. She wanted it to be over. Aria's words kept repeating in her head: I love you. You can do this, Spence. You are the strongest person I know.
„You made my life a living hell. You hurt me, and you hurt the people I love most in this world. But you know, what? I forgive you, Alex. I forgive you for all of it. For all those nights I couldn't sleep, for the worry and the heartbreak, for every tear I cried because of you. I forgive you. I don't want revenge anymore. I want to be free, free of darkness, free of it all. It's my choice. It's my life."
Before Alex could blink them away, Spencer had seen the tears welling up in her eyes, and it made her reach out an arm to touch her shoulder. The touch felt so foreign, yet familiar and for a second she felt her face twist in a way that made her lift up the corners of her lips slightly.
„Why? Like you said, I made your life a living hell. It's not possible for you to forgive me."
„I am tired, Alex. Tired of the games, tired of the competition, tired of not being happy, not being free. I spoke to Aria. She sees something in you, no else can. She believes that you can change. That you can get better. That you can be one of the good people. She is a dreamer, you know. And she cares. She cares more than anyone else I know. I came here to see if she is right."
Two sets of caramel eyes starred into each other, wordlessly, the weight of Spencer's words swirling between them in the space of air, until one simple question, just two words, cut the line of silence.
"Is she?"
Sorry to leave it like that. A cliffhanger never gets bored, does it? Tbc. Please leave some comment so I know you are still with me :)