Work had been an inconvenient distraction, today. After leaving Ana at daybreak to get to Escala in time for a quick workout and a shower, Taylor and I made the miserable trek to Grey House.
Ana was sweet this morning. Waking up with me and trying to make me breakfast. She was half asleep and talking out of her dreams. I laid her back down, set her alarm for 5:30, wrote my number on a note beside her bed, and told her to call me once she got to work.
It is 11, and I haven't received a call yet. Which worries me and irritates me. I know she isn't mine, necessarily. But her disregard for my request has put me on edge. We did not talk about anything last night. We didn't mention what we had done when we woke up this morning. However, I knew it was a matter of hours before we would have to sit down and hash this out.
I also had the task of figuring out what I am supposed to do about Elena. By the time I got to the office, Andrea had a message waiting on my desk for me to call her. She's paranoid, I'm sure. The last we spoke was Thursday at the event. I had lied about meeting Ana at the time, having not known that I would in fact meet her this weekend. So, I'm sure Elena is wondering what we spoke about.
I had to consider Ana's situation. She tells me that other than threatening to get her fired, Linc had left her alone since her father died, and I genuinely hope that is the case. However, if I were to rip Elena a new one, I'm afraid it would cause problems for Ana. I already felt as if she was not safe. She's alone in Seattle, she lives in that small apartment with no security in sight. And if last night was any indication, she's not the greatest at taking care of herself.
If something were to happen to her because I couldn't keep my head about this situation, I would go off the deep end. I already felt insanely guilty for how our lives have seemed to intertwine. She doesn't blame me. Which should bring me some kind of relief. But, all it has done is made me realize that Ana is too forgiving. And too trusting.
I had already decided that I would take my lunch and go have a conference with my little teacher.
Getting through the front office at Seattle Precision was a process. Which comforted me. Because if Christian Grey has a hard time getting a hall-pass, it would be impossible for any average Joe to come and see about Ana.
My mother was at the hospital today, so I couldn't use her as an excuse to be visiting. However, after showing my face for the "tour" on Friday, the office manager let me through under the impression that I would now be showing an interest in the in's and out's of my mother's passion project.
Once I got my visitor's pass, they let me through as if I knew where I was headed. So, I played it off and set out on the search for "Miss Ana", as she is referred to on her office mailbox.
There were several classrooms. All loud and busy with a teacher and 10 children on average. I assume they kept the class sizes smaller, since the needs of these children were a bit different than what you would see in a normal school setting.
There were children with developmental problems, some with physical handicaps, and some that seemed perfectly fine to an uneducated eye. You had to be incredibly special to work with children like this. It gave me heart palpations at the idea of how important Ana really is to this program.
Mom had explained it over dinner, months ago. She spoke about the girl that came in with a specialist's degree. She told of how they were not meeting the expectations with testing, and the current teachers were under qualified. For the first few months that Hope for Voices was up and running, mom was convinced it was a short lived pipe dream of her and Elena's.
Now, I know that Elena pushed for the program under different circumstances. She didn't care about the children. She knew that my mother had the money to burn, and the heart to take advantage of. She pitched the foundation to Grace to placate Linc. To give him the perfect opportunity to continue to prey on such a wonderful thing hadn't come out of this school, I would burn it to the ground for what it stands for. I'm sure Elena never thought Ana would make something of it. She never thought Ana would turn it around, and help mom make this a successful program. I bet it eats at her.
My musings are creating a terrifying look on my face, I'm sure. Because the teachers in the rooms that I am passing are throwing me frightening looks.
Finally, I find her room.
Miss Ana is standing on a stool with a guitar in her hand, singing about "feelings". Her lyrics are clear and simple. She's telling them in a sing-song rhyming voice that "there are things we can do to help our bad mood when we are feeling all blue,"
The children having obviously heard it before, filled in the blanks Ana left in the song with things like "dancing", or "singing", "asking a friend for a hug", or "telling Miss Ana you're sad so she can cheer you up". All the while Ana continues her guitar playing, and dress swaying. She's a sight to see.
I have been in the room for maybe a minute, and I can feel the shift in my mood. Perhaps the song works for even asshole businessmen.
Ana catches my eye in the back of the room, but never falters. She continues her singing and nodding at the children's answers until the song is at its close.
"Alright, guys. Fifteen more minutes until lunch time, so everyone line up and we can go wash our hands! Who is our line leader?"
A skinny, brown headed boy raised his right hand, and banged his left on the table in front of him out of excitement.
"Ok Sam, come start our line and everyone else get behind him. And remember, stay in your personal space square. No one else's!"
The children ignored me completely. They get into line, slowly but surely and Ana makes her way over to me.
"Can you walk and talk?" Shes asks, quietly.
I nod my head, not being given much choice as she ushers the children out into the hallway.
"Get in line Mr. Grey." She said loudly. "We can't go any further until we are all in our line, come get in line in front of me. You can be the caboose."
I could crawl in a hole.
But instead, I am the teacher's pet and I get in line as the caboose.
Ana leans forward once 'Sam' starts walking our line to the bathroom and whispers in my ear. "Are you on your lunch?"
I nod my head.
"What time is it over?" She asks.
"When I want it to be."
All the children make a shushing noise.
"That's right," Ana says to the line. "We're quiet in the hallways. If you're having trouble remembering, put your finger up to your mouth."
I turn around and look at her, and she's got her index finger extended over her smiling lips. She's teasing me.
"When is your lunch over?" She whispers.
"When I want it to be," I say. Quietly this time.
"If you can wait fifteen minutes, we can have lunch together. Or… the kids will have lunch and we can talk."
"You're not eating?" I'm waiting for her to tell me how much this is not my business. She shrugs her shoulders. "Alright well, no that won't do. I'll run out and get us something. I'll be back in fifteen minutes."
She giggles and sways her dress, again. "It will have to be something fast and easy. I have to be able to help them, you know."
"I'm always fast and easy," I say just to get another giggle out of her. Then I kiss her cheek and make my break from the line.
I look back at her shocked expression and blushing cheeks and wish I could photograph it. As proof that I once made a lovely girl feel this way.
With my one-day pass hanging around my neck, I slip through a side door and instruct Taylor to run us down to the deli across the street.
By the time I am back in the classroom, Ana has passed out lunch boxes and is now walking around the room opening thermoses, and plastic containers.
She sees me in the door and smiles, pointing to her desk. I make my way over to her desk and begin to unpack our lunch as well.
After she is satisfied with the way everyone is eating, she makes her way over to me and sits down. "I forgot to call you," she says with a sheepish smile.
"You did." I nod, letting her know that's exactly why I am here. "I asked you to call me when you got to work, Ana."
She bites her lip and looks around the room, making sure everyone is minding their food.
"It just completely slipped my mind, Christian. I snoozed my alarm thirty extra minutes, and then I had to rush around to even get here. Once I hit the door, I was running."
"I believe I told you last night that when I ask you to do something, you do it. Do you need me to explain to you what happens when you don't do as you're told?"
For a moment Ana squirmed. She was blushing and trying to keep her thighs from moving. Then, she collected herself.
"I am sure Mr. Grey has a lot of ways he could get his point across. However, Christian. The man that wanted to just be my friend yesterday will just have to hold his breath when he asks me to do something."
What a brat.
After picking my jaw up off the floor, I stuffed it with a bite of my sandwich. I needed to buy enough time to come up with a response.
"If you will recall, Miss Steele. It was you who first suggested we become friends. I on the other hand, was imagining a much dirtier connection."
Ana giggles at my reply and takes a drink of her water.
"You might have been thinking of those dirty things. But you were going to leave last night." She's still smiling but I can hear the hurt in her voice.
"Is that why you didn't call me?"
"No," she said quickly. "I seriously was running late. I didn't even remember to get your number off the note in my room. You'll have to remember; it's been a good while since I have taken someone else into consideration when it comes to what I do everyday."
I believe her.
"Hand me your phone."
She reaches behind her desk, letting her skirt rise inches on her thigh. All too quickly she rights herself, handing me her phone. She doesn't have a passcode. I press the home button and it opens right up. It makes me want to shake her for how lax she is with her safety. Instead, I put my number in her phone and return it to her.
"There. Now you have no excuse."
She shakes her head, "I still have one."
I'm not anything to her. That's her excuse. She doesn't have to say it out loud. I chose to let her go last night and even though I came back, she's still been stung by the rant I went on while dropping her off.
"We need to discuss this." I say quietly.
She shakes her head again, and points to the children. They are all still happily eating and talking amongst themselves.
"Well then answer me this," I begin. "What do you want from this? Tell me exactly what you want, and make sure it's the truth. I know that isn't fair. That I am asking you to be vulnerable with me right now after I have already turned you down. But, I think we both know what I want. And even though I am very afraid I will run you off if I chase you, I think you know the way in which I want to chase you. So, tell me. What do you want? Then I'll leave it alone."
Ana is silent for a moment. Contemplating her answer or looking for a way out of it entirely.
"I want…" she pauses and gives herself a moment to think once more.
"I want more. I want us to get to know each other. I want you to make love to me. And I want us to make 'dirtier connections'. I've had boyfriends. Relationships. Some of them were a little more on the…" she paused whispering the word "kinky" before continuing, "side, some of them weren't. I definitely don't want what you're used to. I don't want to sign a piece of paper saying what I will and won't do. I just want to talk to you about it. And, I don't want to even start anything with you if all you want is playroom time and then we pretend we don't know each other. I'll understand if that's all you wanted; I get it. I do. But I don't want to be like that. I don't like the idea of how it would make me feel. In case you haven't noticed, I'm… a big baby. And I even cried because of what you said last night, so if you don't want more, then I don't want anything. No hard feelings." She rambled out the last few sentences in a whisper.
Her "no hard feelings" sounded like a lot of hard feelings. However, she wouldn't have to worry about that.
"Ana, I'll give you more. You would be surprised at what I would give you. I am just not entirely sure how."
Ana grabbed my hand in her's, bringing it over to her lap.
"I don't think we have to know all the 'how's just yet. I think we just have to want the same things. And if we don't. We don't." She shrugged.
I don't know if we want the same things. I know that I want her. I know that I want her to want me. And only me.
"Just think about it. And then maybe, we can talk." She released my hand and made her way to stand and collect the trash from our lunch.
"Have dinner with me." I said, intending for it to be a question but saying it as if it were a demand.
"Where do you want to meet?"
"My place. I'll come here to pick you up after work. What time will you be done?" The children are getting fussy now, almost as if they can sense that I need Ana to focus on what I'm saying.
"My car. How will I get to work tomorrow?" She's worried about all the wrong things.
"I'll take care of it. I'll make sure you're here in time. Do you trust me?"
She sighs and stops what she's doing, looking me in the eye.
"I do, Christian. I do trust you. Do you trust you."
I wasn't some mystery to her, like she was to me. She could see right through me.
"I'll be done around 5. Is that ok?" She asked.
I nod my head, stupidly.
"You going to kiss my cheek again?" Now, she's smiling. Poking fun at my open-mouth speechlessness.
I lean down to kiss her cheek, but she turns her head quickly and I catch the corner of her mouth. She's giggling, so I grab the back of her head and straighten it. I kiss her hard and deep, but only for a moment. Judging by the uproar in the background, I have overstayed my welcome. Ana looks up at me and smiles and tells me she'll see me after school.
I have no idea how I walked away from her, but my next coherent thought was to check the ringing phone in my pocket on the drive back over to Grey House.
Elena Lincoln.
I press ignore and wrack my brain for how to approach this new set of disgusting problems.