i love darbit. enjoy.
TO: Keith D. Mathews
FROM: Darrel S. Curtis
Hey, Keith.
I can't sleep. I have work in the morning, as always. But I can't sleep. As always. I've gone ahead and made a pot of coffee, enough to get me through the rest of the night and then I'll have another cup or two during my shift. I'll still be tired when I get home, though. Ready for a nap, even. I hope you'll be here by the time I wake up.
You only left a couple hours ago, to go pick up another case of beer and check on your sister at home, but I guess a little part of me was hoping you'd come back after that. Even though I told you to get some sleep. I had planned to get some myself, but I haven't been able to breath since the second you walked out the door. It's stupid. Feelings are stupid. But here we are.
I miss you.
Not just a couple hours after I've seen you, but all the time now. Even when I'm with you. Something feels off lately. I think it's me. I'm sure it's just me. I'm pretty overworked lately, and it doesn't look like that'll end any time soon. Don't tell my brothers, especially not Pony, but I got a pay cut. Figured they'd lay me off right there if I didn't keep my mouth shut and accept it. So I've had to pick up some extra shifts at the other job, at least so I can try to make as much as I was before. That's why I've been working so much. It's not because I don't want to see you, because I miss you so much it hurts. It's just how things are right now.
I was trying to do some paperwork, since it's pretty rare for the house to be this quiet, but I couldn't focus. I'd call you up if it wasn't three o'clock in the morning. You're probably sleeping. Or your sister and ma are sleeping. Wouldn't be very polite of me to call this late. I wish I could hear your voice though. I think it might just send me to sleep myself if I could. I wish you were here.
I don't like writing this part I'm ashamed to admit it, but the other night, when I told you I was too tired to go out to dinner after work, I was lying. I was tired, but never too tired for you. Just feel like maybe you deserve better sometimes. I can't always make the time that someone as special as you deserves. A man oughta make time for the one he loves, if he wants to be good enough. I try my hardest to be good enough despite that, but I figure it doesn't work out like I want it to. I'd spend every second of my day with you if I could. Every second of my life. You deserve that and more. I thought about telling you that night, that if there was any other man or any other opportunity you wanted to go after instead of me, I'd understand. I don't think anyone could blame you.
I'm glad I didn't tell you that, though. I don't know how long I could stand not being with you. Just thinking about it makes me feel awful sick. Like a part of me is trying to run away. I'd still understand, though, if you ever decided to do that. I wouldn't be mad at you. Just mad at myself.
Maybe I'll hand deliver this to you at sunrise. I know you hate waking up early, but I just need to see you. Remind myself that you're still there. It gets lonely sometimes, just being in my head and all. Scares me a little. I don't like to think about it too much but sometimes I can't help it.
Someday I'll be able to set aside all the time in the world for you, and then we'll be happy. I hope it's soon. I miss being happy.
Love you.
love,
Darry
leave me a comment if you want xx