Kurt couldn't pinpoint an exact time when it first began. But then again, there had been several instances that he could recall, all tracing back to the death of his mother. He'd never felt like he had after his mom died. He had a hard time grasping the permanence of her death. He was only eight, after all, and he'd never experienced something so hard as death before. Some nights he didn't sleep, because the physical ache of missing her was too much for him. Some nights he had nightmares and woke up screaming and crying. It terrified his dad.
However much he tried to get him to, sometimes Kurt would refuse to eat. For the first month or so without his mom he rarely ate more than two meals a day. He wasn't starving himself, he just wasn't hungry. He just wanted to sit in his room, waiting for his mom to walk in and pick him up and hug him.
About a year after her death it began to wear off, little by little. He still felt empty inside sometimes, like there was something missing. It was like someone cut off his leg and he didn't know how to manage without it. His dad dragged him to a doctor. He had explained to Kurt how it wasn't a doctor like at the hospital, it was a special kind of doctor. His name was Dr. Kennedy and he had a lot of wrinkles on his face. Kurt liked him okay. He let him play games and talk about school, and sometimes he would let him color and draw pictures.
It didn't happen overnight, but Kurt began to slowly feel a little bit better. He talked to his dad instead of just answering his questions 'how was school?' or 'what do you want for dinner?' Kurt loved his dad, but he needed his mommy back.
It got better for a few years. No more nightmares. He felt like eating and talking to people again. School was tolerable. Until sophomore year.
The first part of sophomore year was hell. Literally. He was tossed into the dumpsters on a daily basis by the football apes, and no one knew he was gay, but they still called him names. Kurt tried not to let it show how much it hurt him. But, underneath his shell of confidence and pride was a scared and lonely sixteen year old. He told himself to be strong, though. He didn't want his dad getting a call from the school saying they found his son in the dumper.
Things started to turn around a little bit once the glee club got going. He made a friend, Mercedes Jones. Coming out to his dad he had been so terrified, but it turned out all right. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders. Once Puck joined glee then he stopped getting thrown into the dumpsters.
But he was still lonely. Sometimes it physically hurt, not having anyone to talk to who would understand his crush on Finn and the situation with his dad and Finn's mom. Kurt Hummel never expected to have a breaking point, but late one night, he heard his dad upstairs watching basketball with Finn, and Kurt burst into tears. He cried so hard his mattress shook beneath him. He tried to stay quiet so his dad wouldn't hear. He just wanted to feel good again. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed at a joke or gone anywhere besides school and his dad's garage. Kurt cried until he couldn't hold his eyes open anymore, and he fell into a restless sleep.
Summer made things a little better. Sunshine and late nights and not having to go to school helped a little. Incidentally, his dad made him go back to see Dr. Kennedy. It wasn't fun and games anymore, though. He didn't play games or color. The doctor asked him questions, even though Kurt didn't feel like talking. He didn't feel like doing anything, and he hated his dad for making him go. It was stupid.
Once school started again his dad didn't make him go anymore since he was busy with glee club and balancing two AP classes and working at the garage part time. That was why, when David started bullying him, he didn't do anything at first. He had too much on his mind. When he almost lost his dad to the heart attack and became his main care provider, Kurt knew he couldn't tell him what was going on. He would worry and get stressed and it wouldn't be good. So he took it. Besides the horrible names and insults Karofsky hurled at him, he woke up sore and bruised from being shoved into lockers countless times. He would take being thrown in a dumpster over that. At least the dumpster didn't hurt.
It scared him to death when his dad found out. Kurt was just worried about his heart. He couldn't lose his dad. Not after the heartbreak he went through when his mom died. He would have nothing to live for. But instead of getting sick again, his dad sent him to Dalton Academy in Westerville. Two hours away. Kurt was relieved Karofsky couldn't do anything else to him, but he felt guilty. His dad and Carole spent their honeymoon money for him to go there, and however hard he tried he couldn't make the grades. At the end of the first semester he came out with one A, three B's and two C's. Kurt had always been a hard working overachiever, and seeing his report card made him feel like a worthless piece of crap.
But Blaine helped. Blaine tried to understand the best he could, and he was sensitive towards Kurt's feelings and talked whenever Kurt wanted to talk and understood when he didn't want to be around anyone. He was perfect.
Things got better, much better, after he returned to McKinley. Despite losing Nationals, Kurt Hummel had a boyfriend. That summer was the best one yet. He spent more time with Blaine than alone. They went to Breadstix and to the movies and bowling, and even though Kurt hated it, he was willing to go just to watch Blaine jump around when he bowled a strike.
At the start of senior year he had been hopeful. He was running for student council president, and he was determined to get into NYADA with Rachel. And Blaine was with him. He was happy.
Well, until they accused him of stuffing the ballot box. Kurt honestly had no clue what they were talking about. He would never do something like that. He went crying to Blaine, and he managed to get him calmed down, but it still didn't change the fact that they would actually think he would do something like cheat. So, he wasn't senior class president. He still had NYADA to hope for.
And he nailed his audition. Rachel had choked, but even she told him how good his was. Kurt tried to be there for her, but when she got in and he didn't, he no longer felt sorry for her. What had he done wrong? He'd turned in his application weeks before it was due, he'd prepared for his audition, and it was flawless. But he wasn't good enough.
The night he found out Blaine came over, and he cried himself to sleep. Blaine tried to assure him that they made a mistake, that there were so many other schools in New York for him to look into. Kurt appreciated his efforts, but it was no use.
In the end, he went to New York. He moved in with Rachel. He got a job at , and he got into NYADA after the winter showcase performance. But the life he had built up was shattered when Blaine said those two little words.
"I cheated."
Kurt didn't care who it was with. He didn't stick around to listen. He had trusted Blaine. Trust was a big deal to Kurt. He didn't let just anyone know his true feelings. His world had consisted of his dad, Blaine, eventually Carole, and occasionally Rachel. He felt so empty. He had no one. The worst part was that Blaine blamed him. Kurt hadn't been there for him. Blaine was still in school. Kurt had a job and college to worry about. He couldn't be expected to Skype Blaine every night or text him on every break at work.
Rachel kept telling him he was depressed. Kurt laughed in her face. He wasn't depressed. He was just taking longer than her to get over being broken up with. His sleep troubles returned. He stayed up and watched The Notebook on replay all night, and ate a tub of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. He was a typical teenage cliché breakup victim.
When it didn't get better, Kurt caved and went to see someone. He didn't want to go back to Lima to see Dr. Kennedy, so he went to someone in New York. They gave him all kinds of tests, and he was diagnosed with depression. The doctor showed him his results compared to the average person, and he was in disbelief. He wasn't depressed. He had just broken up with his boyfriend of two years. He wasn't taking it so great, but he wasn't depressed, and he told the doctor that.
Needless to say, his argument didn't work. He was prescribed antidepressants, and Rachel was on top of him to make sure he took them. He hated them. They made him gain weight, and for the first week he couldn't stay awake after taking them.
Even through his denial, Kurt continued taking the medicine. He had his fling with Adam. Kurt was never really sure what their status was, but Adam wasn't mad when he got back together with Blaine. In fact, he was happy for him. That made him feel good. Kurt had finally had a moment, and he realized as angry as he had been at Blaine, he needed to forgive him. Blaine was clearly in love with him, and Kurt knew he was too, deep down inside.
Blaine got into NYADA. He moved in with Kurt and Rachel, and then he proposed. It wasn't fancy or anything. Rachel went out for the night with one of her friends with NYADA, and Blaine and Kurt were watching the third Harry Potter movie in their pajamas. Blaine made a little speech and then pulled out the ring. And Kurt cried tears of happiness for the first time in a long time. It gave him hope, to know that he was going to spend the rest of his life with someone who loved him as much as Blaine did. Kurt was so happy. He realized as he was throwing his antidepressant pills in the trash that he didn't need Blaine to be happy. He just needed hope for a future to be happy, and he had it.
Author's Notes:
So this chapter was a little different... no dialog, just me getting down basically Kurt's "story." I've never been depressed, but I have quite a few friends with depression/anxiety, so I was able to talk to them a little bit before writing this, and I did research, as usual. I'm really curious to her your thoughts about how I did with this, because I, as a writer, want to do the very best job on things like these. So tell me how I did, even if you thought it sucked. Thanks!