February, 2018

Chapter 18: Not for A Million Galleons

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

― Arthur Miller, The Ride Down Mt. Morgan

Hazel had once believed that she knew who she was, but if that'd been the case, how was she here? Her back hit the tiled wall as the room shifted around her, and she desperately wished she wasdrunk right now. She was pregnant. Bloody hell, she was pregnant and it scared the living wits out of her...what had she done? Wrapping her arms around herself, the witch tried in vain to remember any of the meditation techniques she'd long since learned. In and out. Breathe, Hazel, you need to breathe, and not just for yourself now. Bloody hell, how could she so stupid, so absolutely horrid? She was pregnant, pregnant and had no bloody idea who the father was. She had sex with Mason while he was still recovering from being tortured. More than that, she had cheated on her fiance, her relationship of over seven bloody years. She was a genuinely terrible person; how dare she judge Ridgeway for having 'bad' memories in his head when she did this of her own volition? There was no one else to blame. She couldn't stand it, how was she so completely mental? She hadn't deserved any of her happiness. It was her fault. Kes was going to be so - Hazel lurched forward as something washed over her, nearly choking on the sudden rush of nausea, unable to even make it to the toilet only a few feet away. Hunched over and panting, tears pricked at the witch's eyes as she held her shaking body over the mess she made. Merlin, this was just the beginning.

She woke abruptly to small hands patting her face. Vaguely aware of a soft snap, followed by a high-pitched voice calling her name, the woman was slowly guided into a sitting position by the house elf. Mitsy's eyes were shining with her own, unshed tears as she quickly cleaned the bathroom around the distraught witch, and a hot cup was held out to her. When had she fallen asleep? Rubbing her tear-stained eyes, Hazel took the tea with muted gratitude. She was pregnant. Was it Mason's? Kes's? How could she - "Mistress Hazel, is the tea alright? Misty mades it cool so mistress wouldn't burn her tongue. Please drink it, Mitsy was very worried." The house elf gently interrupted the reoccurring torrent of guilt and panic that had accompanied Hazel since she had left the Hogs Head that fateful night. Trying her best to smile - her lips quivered with the effort - she looked at the elf, who was wringing her apron tightly between her hands. Now look at what she's done. Slowly taking a purposeful sip, Hazel was pleasantly surprised by the reassuring heat of the drink. "Thank you, Mitsy. I'm sorry for scaring you..I don't know what I'd do without you, sometimes." At this, Mitsy began to bawl, and Hazel nearly spilled her drink as the elf rushed into her arms. I don't even deserve Mitsy, let alone Mason, or Kes, or this child.

For a long moment, Hazel quietly hugged the house elf that she'd come to know and love over the past eight years. When their tears subsided, Mitsy pulled away with an apology and a promise to bring fresh clothes. Without energy to do..anything, really, Hazel stared blankly at the ceiling. She felt utterly exhausted and empty, as if each tear had slowly taken more and more of her. Not empty, she reminded herself, barely aware of her hand resting on her still-flat stomach, not anymore. It was decidedly strange, she decided, to know that there is something, someone, living inside her, separate but just as much a part of her.

The worst part, Hazel thought with a humorless smile at the private reference, was that she didn't truly regret kissing Mason. It hadn't taken her long after the kiss she initiated to realize she really did love the man, 'damaged' or not. When had that happened? She wanted this child, wanted to raise it...with him. She wanted to see him again. She'd never taken love or marriage, lightly, but knew enough to recognize that she still harbored genuine feelings for Mason Whitehall. Merlin, I'm an absolute mess. A cheater. I have to tell Kes at some point...about the baby, about Mason...but, what if the child is his? Would Mason refuse her and the baby? Instead of answering the swarming questions, Hazel pushed herself to her feet. She couldn't sit around and cry all day, pregnant or not.

Time passed, and Hazel was taken aback by how accepting Miranda had been at her confession. The witch and mother had taken one look at the brunette on her doorstep before pulling her into the house with a stern look. Talk. Hazel had told her everything, from talking to Ridgeway and meeting Mason to admitting the horrible, horrible truth that she wanted to end her engagement with Kes. Horrible person, maybe she'd been that way all along. When had her feelings changed? Had that been why she'd insisted on a summer wedding, on pushing it off? Instead of judging her, however, Miranda had uncharacteristically pulled the witch into a comforting embrace before telling her to 'pull herself together'. Hazel smiled at the memory, grateful for at least one person who didn't hate her. Two if she counted Mason. While she hadn't seen him in a few days, Hazel had returned once or twice to the Hogs Head after that first night, though they hadn't slept together since. Mason had been...kind, seemingly patient while she wrestled with her own feelings. He'd been waiting this long. What was a little more time, now that he knew she loved him too?

The next week and a half felt like forever, and it was finally the day. Hand hesitating over the door, Hazel sucked in a deep breath before knocking. It was quiet for a moment, then the familiar Irish accent greeted her as Cormac opened the door in confusion. "Who's knocking this late - Hazel, what're you doing here?"

Despite their...rocky relationship thus far, the blunt Healer didn't hesitate to let her inside. She tried not to wonder if that was a sign. "Sorry to drop by like this, but...a lot has happened. First," Hazel faced the wizard with a look of determination and held out her hand. This time, it wasn't necessary for Ridgeway to be here for her to be amicable. "First, I want us to start over. I want us to be friends, Cormac, especially...well, especially now that I need a Healer." Hazel swallowed and forced herself to continue, "I'm pregnant." The man laughed in disbelief, running his hand through his hair. "Bloody hell, that was fast. You've been engaged to that thing for what, four months?" Wrinkling her nose at the insult directed at Kes - hardly something new - Hazel suggested he sit down. He seemed to pause at this, before slowly nodding, gesturing to an open couch behind them.

After she had told him about Mason - told him far more than she meant to, actually - Cormac had laughed, again, for almost an entire minute. Scowling, the witch tried to tamper down her rising frustration, reminding herself that this was a fresh start for their friendship. Sweet Merlin, he was still so irritating sometimes. Wiping a tear from his eye, Cormac leaned into the couch with a grin, "So, you need a paternity test then? Figure out which of the two jokers got you knocked up?" So. Bloody. Irritating.

The test itself, thankfully, had been fairly simple. Personality aside, the man had a talent for healing magic. After Cormac glanced down at the parchment that was supposed to reveal the father, he grinned at the stressed brunette. "I'll give you a million Galleons if you let me be the one to tell Jackson it's not his." Mason was the father...Despite the gravity of the situation, Hazel felt her mouth twitch in amusement, "Nice try, Cormac. Where would you even get that much money?" Shrugging, said wizard studied her for a moment with a raised eyebrow. "I have my ways….so are you going to tell Mason?"

Hazel paled at this, "Merlin's pants….I have to tell Mason." She wiped her palms on the rough material of her muggle jeans. Cormac shrugged again, still smiling, "You tell Mason, and I'll take half the burden by telling Jackson. I think if you told him he might punch you in the stomach or something. If Mason told him," Cormac whistled, "he might just rip his head off." Hazel felt like she couldn't breathe again. Bloody hell, Kes was going to be so upset. He very well could try to go after Mason, and what then? Mason was in no state to duel anyone, let alone a pissed off half-giant wizard. "Bloody hell, what have I done?" Fresh panic welled up in her chest, eyes wide at the Healer before her, "Please don't tell Kes yet, I'm..I don't know if I'm ready yet. Please."

To his credit, Cormac seemed to sense the change in mood and held his hands up in the air, "Healer-patient confidentiality, I wouldn't tell him without your express permission." Leaning forward, he put one hand on her shoulder, "Everything is going to be fine, you're alright, I promise." Following the slow rise and fall of his free hand, the wizard helped Hazel calm down before he spoke again, "There are options if you're not ready, you know. There is termination," At the expression on Hazel's face, Cormac quickly continued, "and if you don't want that, there's a switching spell between you and a willing participant so you don't show any signs. They'd carry the child to term and put them up for adoption."

If the ache in her chest was anything to go by, Hazel did not want to give up her child. Strange how quickly she became attached. When had she decided? "Thank you, Cormac. I...I don't think I can give him...or her...up." She placed a hand on her stomach, looking down quietly, "I think I want to keep the baby." Cormac smiled in response, squeezing her shoulder gently before leaning backwards, "Well that's good, and only a decision youcan make. But now the next question…" Hazel glanced up in confusion as he ran his hand through his hair, a smirk growing on his lips, "You do know you don't have to keep either Jackson or Mason, right? You could drop them both if you wanted."

Drop them? Hazel let out a surprised laugh, remembering who she was talking to. Right, Cormac. Of course. "Are you suggesting I swear off men after this...turn of events? " She grinned, playing dumb, "And here I thought Healers weren't supposed to openly judge their patients." Cormac shrugged again, a cheeky grin on his lips as he replied, "Oh no, I'd never suggest you swear off of men altogether, just...try and find a better one." He wiggled his eyebrows at the witch in front of him, "A certain handsome, Irish doctor comes to mind, but that's just my personal suggestion." At her disbelieving expression and slight smile, Cormac added, "Hey, if doctors aren't your thing, there are still plenty of other options apart from those two clowns." After a moment, Hazel shook her head with a grin, "Why Cormac, are you hitting on an engaged, pregnant woman? Shame." She needed to turn him down without genuinely offending him, she couldn't risk losing his friendship at the moment. "I appreciate the offer, but I care about Mason...and Kes, though maybe it's changed over time. Glad to know I have options, I suppose." She commented dryly, chuckling. Pointing at herself, Hazel added with a smile, "I'll be your wingwoman if you ever want it, though I doubt you'd need my help."

He appeared to consider something for a moment before he nodded, "Ok, so different option. I said I'd pay you if you let me tell Jackson about Mason's baby, buuuut how about I give you that million if you let me lie, and tell the half-giant you're pregnant with my child." Hazel was glad she hadn't been drinking anything as she suddenly laughed, covering her mouth in surprise. "You're absolutely shameless, you know that? I'm tempted by the idea, but we both know I have to be the one to tell him. It's the least I can do." Hazel glanced at the empty fireplace before a slow grin made its way across her face. "How about this?...Tell Ridgeway that it's your child; I'd like to see how he reacts." She folded her arms, excited to see the cocky man admit defeat.

Cormac threw his head back as he laughed, "Ha! I will absolutely do that, and will let you know how it goes." ...Wait, what? "Although I'll probably have to tell him it was a joke after twenty minutes or so, or he might actually murder me." He stroked his chin with surprising ease at the mention of his own possible death. She couldn't resist another smile at his reaction; while things between her and Ridgeway were currently shaky, she had to admit she would love to see that particular conversation take place. "Deal. I'll buy you dinner - as friends, of course - if you decide to go through with it….Thank you, Cormac." Hazel glanced away, suddenly unable to meet his curious stare, "I feel less like the terrible person I'm becoming. I've...I've made mistakes before, but this one takes the cake. Still," She sighed heavily, "I can't find it in myself to fully regret it." Why was she admitting this to him? Today had been such a strange day…

"Don't worry about it," The dark-haired man nudged her as he stood, stretching, "I wouldn't regret it either if I was engaged to him. And if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. We can have a cup of tea and chat. If anyone knows what a difficult time feels like, it'd be the potions addict whose mother was dying for ten years." Hazel was taken aback, both by the genuine offer and personal information he freely told her. Pulling herself off the couch, Hazel replied, "Hey, he's still my fiance….currently. And thank you, I'm here if you need to talk, too." Patting her stomach, the brunette smiled, "It's not like I'll be doing much traveling for work as I used to, given everything. Besides, maybe we can see about getting you off those potions of yours." The look in his eyes was resigned, almost sad, as Cormac handed her the jacket she'd nearly forgotten. "I can't really do this whole doctor thing without them, so it's best for everyone if I stay on them."

Cormac suddenly gave Hazel into a brief hug before pulling back with the familiar, shit-eating grin on his face. "Let me know how it goes with Jackson. Take pictures for me." As Hazel shook her head, she realized this was the most she'd laughed since she had returned to Iceland. Maybe he's not so bad. "I will do no such thing, but you'll find out how it goes soon enough. Then I'll have to figure out how to tell Mason that he's a father." Hazel stopped at the door to turn back her head back to where the Irish wizard stood, "Keep me updated, and don't let Ridgeway murder you. We need a healer, especially now that there's another baby in the village." Stepping into the brisk wind and snow, Hazel smiled at the faint call behind her of "Don't worry, I haven't died yet!" Idiot. Despite the weight of her guilt, Hazel felt lighter than she could remember, walking towards the Lodge with a new determination to see this through. One relationship mended, another to go...this next one might not be as simple.