AN: I really can't believe that it's been almost two years since I last updated this story. The writing process has been full of ups and downs, but I've finally gotten to a version of this chapter that I'm satisfied with. Thank you all for waiting so patiently. I hope you enjoy!
As always, comments and constructive criticism are highly appreciated!
If you asked Zack, Aerith was clearly the best thing about Midgar.
He'd started to see that there was a silver lining to the slums, in the form of a community brought together by their shared hardship, but it still wasn't a great place to live. It was dangerous to go anywhere alone or trust anyone you didn't know extremely well. Having come from small-town Gongaga, where the greatest danger was his own boredom and the resulting inclination to do something stupid for entertainment, Zack couldn't imagine growing up in Midgar the way Aerith had.
He still couldn't believe she didn't notice how bleak the slums were. He wished he could take her to Gongaga, just for a day, and show her that the world had so much more to offer than lifeless Midgar. Or wished he could take her anywhere outside of the city, really. He didn't know the details of her life story, but he got the sense that it had been many years since Aerith had been anywhere besides the slums.
He could understand why she might feel some nostalgic fondness for the city, since she'd grown up here, but he didn't think there was much to actually like about it. The lighting was garish. The streets and buildings were dirty. There was nothing beautiful, nothing clean, and nothing even the slightest bit hopeful.
"Really?" said Aerith, when he mentioned this in passing, the next time he came to visit her. She looked up at the wooden rafters above their heads. "Even if I could go anywhere else, this church would probably still be my favorite place in the world."
"It is nice here," Zack agreed. "But it was probably here long before the plate was built and this place became the slums. It's from another time." He wondered every once in a while what the city had been like before the plate, but he had never quite been able to picture it. The metal structure constantly hanging over their heads seemed much too imposing to simply imagine away.
"Hmm, that's true," Aerith mused, still gazing at the ceiling. "Sometimes I think I'm from another time, too. An old soul, as my mother would say."
Zack could only agree. Now that he'd gotten to know her a bit better, he could see that despite her tendency to get lost in some particular train of thought and act distant, she was perceptive, in some almost unearthly way. It was strange how for every trait he saw in her, there was another, seemingly contradictory one in there too. She was naïve yet insightful, playful and sorrowful, genuine but secretive all at once.
Being here with her and trying to figure her out was one of the most interesting things Zack had ever done. He usually got bored quickly with anything that didn't make his veins hum with adrenaline, but he didn't think Aerith's presence was something he could ever get tired of. He'd never realized that any person could be so fascinating.
And yet despite her otherworldly allure, she was still just a person.
The inexplicable connection that had sparked between them when they'd first met had since blossomed into an actual friendship. They'd spent a lot of time together recently, talking about everything and nothing. Zack felt like he'd gotten to know Aerith now, even if there was still a lot left that he didn't know about her. Every conversation he had with her seemed to bring her slightly more down to earth.
"Let's go somewhere else," she said suddenly, looking at him again. "Let's find someplace in Midgar that's almost as good as the church."
"Huh?" said Zack, blinking out of his reverie.
"You were right when you said that the church isn't really part of Midgar," Aerith answered, by way of explanation. "It's in its own world. But that doesn't mean there's not another place in Midgar that's still worth going to."
"I guess that's true," agreed Zack, intrigued. Out of all the days he and Aerith had spent together, this was the first time she'd ever taken the lead. It was encouraging to see her so focused on something like this; he always hoped he was getting through to her in some way, but it was always so difficult to know. "Yeah, you're right."
"Come on," said Aerith, taking his hand. "Follow me."
He was happy to oblige. He'd follow her anywhere. Just walking beside her, with no known destination in mind, was becoming a familiar sort of feeling.
With SOLDIER, Zack always felt like he had to be running toward something—or away from something—at full speed. Whether it was working his way up the ranks or fighting a monster, he could never afford to relax. But whenever he found Aerith in her church, he felt like he'd found a tiny doorway to a different world. He left all his worries behind in the old world and in the new one, it was just Zack and Aerith.
"So where are we going?" he asked, as they walked down the sidewalk together.
"Hmm," she responded. "I don't know yet. Somewhere I've never been before."
He grinned, pleasantly surprised by the sudden adventurous spirit that seemed to have taken ahold of her. "How about I point out places that I think look interesting, and you can tell me whether you've been there or not? If you haven't, we can go now."
"All right," she agreed. "But I've probably been to more places than you think."
He glanced at her, unsure of what to make of that comment. It hadn't been quite defensive, but there was something deliberate about it all the same. It was almost like she was really saying I'm not as naïve as you think.
Does she think I look down on her? he wondered. He hoped not.
It was easy to slip into thinking of Aerith as naïve, but something about her made him certain that she wasn't. Like she'd said before, she had an old soul. There was always that little bit of sadness lingering in her eyes. To Zack, it seemed to speak of some painful past that she never spoke of. Maybe she couldn't, really. Maybe the pain he saw in her eyes was some strange remnant of a past life. Zack would normally never take such a superstitious idea seriously, but this was Aerith. When it came to her, he couldn't help thinking that anything might be possible.
They passed a few places Aerith had already been to—a library, a fabric shop, and an antique shop. Each one made Zack feel like he was bringing her a little closer to reality. It was like she was a wraith that he was shaping into a flesh-and-blood person. He learned that Aerith liked to read, didn't sew much but could spend hours poring over fabrics with different textures and patterns, and was fascinated by old things. She said that being around antiques was a little like spending time with her ancestors.
As they stepped back outside to continue wandering, Zack took a moment to bask in his sense of contentment. It felt like being outside on the first day of spring, when the cold winter weather of several long months finally gave way to warmth and sunshine. He barely noticed the fact that there was no sunlight beneath the plate and that the whole place smelled faintly of sewage. Maybe it doesn't really matter where we are, he thought. Maybe it only matters who we are.
But Aerith had wanted to explore Midgar, so he continued to go along with her.
Finally, they came across a coffee shop that Aerith had never visited before—she admitted that she had always been more of a tea drinker. Still, that didn't stop her from leading the way inside, Zack following close behind. A bell in the doorway chimed as they entered, momentarily capturing her interest.
"What kind of coffee do you like?" asked Zack, to get it back.
Aerith smiled, as enigmatic as ever. "Why don't you guess? Just pick something you think I'd like, and I'll let you know if you're right. Don't tell me what it is until after I taste it, though, so I can try to guess. And I'll do the same thing for you."
"All right," agreed Zack, intrigued by this little game.
There was a list of different types of coffee the shop made printed on the wall behind the counter, and Zack was momentarily overwhelmed by the many options. The rush of adrenaline that his morning routine in the training room provided was usually sufficient to wake him up, so he didn't need to resort to coffee. On the rare day he didn't get to train in the morning, he drank plain black coffee—the caffeine mattered more than the flavor. But Aerith didn't strike him as the type to enjoy something bitter.
Eventually, he decided on one he'd never seen before, an Orange Blossom Latte. He didn't have a clue what flavors Aerith did or didn't like, but he figured he couldn't go wrong with a floral one. He ordered first, and then waited for Aerith until she decided.
They brought their coffees back to a table and sat across from each other, sliding the cups across the table to swap. Zack watched curiously as Aerith took a tentative sip of the one he'd bought for her. Her expression flickered momentarily with surprise, and then shifted into a pleased smile. "I've never had this coffee before."
"Do you like it?" he asked hopefully.
She took another sip, looking thoughtful. "Mm-hmm."
"Do you want to guess what it is?"
She laughed lightly. "I have no idea. I don't know anything about coffee!"
Zack grinned. "Me neither. But that's why we're here, isn't it?"
"I guess you're right." She looked down at her coffee again and swirled it around thoughtfully. "It's definitely some kind of fruit flavor. I wasn't expecting that."
"Do you want me to tell you what it is?" he asked.
"Hmm, not yet." She took another sip. "Is it orange?"
"Orange blossom, apparently," he answered. "But close enough. You win!" He applauded playfully.
She smiled, looking satisfied. "Your turn!"
Not sure what to expect, he took a tentative sip.
"That's easy!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "It's chocolate!"
She laughed again. "I know, I realized that it would be easy to guess. And I'm the one who came up with the game, too! But I think most people do like chocolate, and you struck me as someone who would like it a lot."
"You're right," he said, taking a huge gulp of the coffee. "Congratulations."
"Now you win," she said jokingly. "Hooray!"
They both laughed. The subject of the beverages they'd bought for each other was light and almost meaningless, but there was something nice about it all the same.
After they finished their coffees, they headed back out into the streets of Midgar, content to wander and take their time to look at things they had never noticed before.
After a while, they stopped at a book store, which was tucked away in a basement underneath another shop. Aerith, with her love for old things, quickly gravitated to the used books section. Some of them had pages that had been yellowed or stained, but she didn't seem to mind. She held each one carefully as she read the backs.
"What kind of things do you like to read?" asked Zack.
"Anything, really," she said, with a smile. "What about you?"
"I don't read much," he admitted.
Aerith looked crestfallen for a moment, but then shook her head. "That's okay. I guess you've probably never needed any books the way I do. Your life already has more than enough interesting things happening in it already."
"I'm sure your life is interesting, too," he said.
"N-not really," she stammered, looking flustered for some reason.
It was a little frustrating, but Zack decided to let it go. "Have you read any of the books they have here?" he asked, nodding towards the shelf.
"Let me see," she said, seeming relieved to change the subject. After scanning the many titles, she made a small sound of pleasant surprise. "This is one of my favorites!"
"Really?" said Zack, looking curiously at the book she'd pulled out. The cover and title didn't suggest it was anything particularly special. "What's it about?"
"It's realistic fiction," she said. "It's about a normal high school girl. She lives a normal life and deals with normal problems. It's supposed to be relatable. It never was for me, but maybe that's what made it so interesting."
For a moment, Zack didn't know how to respond. He was reminded of something she'd said the first time they'd met. I guess I'm not normal…
She was wearing the same kind of wistful expression now, so he decided to say the same thing he'd said then. "Normal is overrated."
She smiled. "I know, but it's still nice to pretend sometimes."
They lingered a while longer, taking their time to look through all the old books. Zack found one written in a language incomprehensible to him and proceeded to sound out the words for Aerith's amusement. Soon she was laughing again, and it was hard to believe she'd been so serious just a few moments before.
But after that, they couldn't seem to think of anything to do.
They continued wandering around aimlessly for a while, but as time went by that started to lose its appeal. It seemed like they'd already seen everything interesting.
"You know what would make this easier?" said Zack excitedly, as the reason for their lack of success hit him. He gestured to the staircase that led out of the slums. "If we went above the plate. I mean, it's still Midgar up there, so it counts, but it's not as dark and dreary as it is down here. It's much better up there."
"But…" Aerith protested, her footsteps slowing to a stop. "The sky."
Zack's smile faltered. He'd almost forgotten.
That's another reason I have to help her get out of here, he thought. How can a person be so used to confinement that open space frightens her?
"C'mon Aerith," he said, taking her by the hand. She immediately leaned back on her heels, resisting, but he managed to pull her a few steps towards the exit. "It really isn't as bad as you think. In fact, it's not bad at all. I'll show you."
"No," she said, tugging back. "I don't want to."
"Please, Aerith," he wheedled. "Just for a couple minutes, and then if you haven't changed your mind we can come right back down."
"I said no." She was frowning now, as fierce as he had ever seen her.
He let go of her hand, frustrated. He knew seeing the sky made her uneasy, but it was such an irrational fear. And it seemed like more than just a fear—it was a phobia. It was getting in the way of her life. She really would be much better off if she could just get over it. "Don't you remember the first time we talked about this? I told you I'd take you to see the sky one day, and you agreed."
"I know, but… I'm not ready." She shook her head. "Not yet."
He decided to take a different approach. "You trust me, don't you?"
"I do," she said immediately, "but it's not that simple, Zack."
"It's entirely that simple," he said earnestly. "I wouldn't make you do anything dangerous—you know I wouldn't. I just want to help you with this. Listen to me, Aerith. The longer you put off facing your fears, the longer they'll continue to hold you back and the harder it'll be to overcome them. You do want to stop being afraid, don't you?"
She didn't respond, just looked away.
She always did that. Zack felt another pang of frustration.
"Or are you just going to let your fear win?" he challenged her. He watched her face intently, trying to gauge whether his words were getting through to her at all. He thought they were—her eyes, although they still wouldn't meet his, were flickering with conflicted thoughts and emotions. Maybe he could convince her to come with him if he painted a vivid enough picture in her mind of what her life would be like if she never got over this phobia. "Are you really content to never go above the plate, ever? What are you going to do, just spend your entire life down here? It's not going to get any better, Aerith. Mako reactors are becoming more and more common these days. They're just going to make the slums more and more lifeless. More and more hopeless."
"That's not my fault," she said, shaking her head. "None of this is my fault. It's not my fault I'm afraid of the sky. Or that—" She broke off. "I can't help it."
"You can, Aerith," he tried to encourage her.
"Stop it," she said. Her hands crept towards her temples.
"You do have a choice," he insisted. "You can choose to fight against your fear, or you can just give up. What are you going to do?"
"I can't do anything," she said. "I just can't."
"So you're just going to stay in your church and hide from the rest of the world?" he said, almost snapping. Why was she being so stubborn about this? "You're just going to hide from everything instead of trying to make your life better?"
"Yes!" she said hotly, startling him. She glared at him, eyes shining with tears. "I don't have any other choice! You don't get it, Zack!"
He fell silent, all of his frustration ebbing.
"You don't get it," she repeated, in a quieter voice. "I know my fear seems silly to you. You don't understand it, because you've never felt it. And I don't expect you to understand it. But don't act like it's nothing. Don't act like you can just sweep it away by bringing me up to the sky. If it was that easy, I would've done it already." She paused, wiping her tears away. "I know the sky won't actually hurt me. And no, I'm not happy here. But knowing those things doesn't make this any easier."
"I'm sorry," said Zack, feeling ashamed of himself. "I—"
He closed his mouth before anything else could slip out. He didn't want to make any excuses. He'd tried to push Aerith into doing something that she wasn't comfortable with. He'd only been trying to help, but he had still been unkind. "I'm sorry, Aerith."
She sighed. "I know you are. I'm not mad at you."
"It's okay if you are," he said. He couldn't stand seeing that sad, defeated look in her eyes, the one that came over her too often. He had to try and make her eyes sparkle again. "Look, you can punch me if that would make you feel better. Just make sure it's in the arm and not the face. I don't want this perfection to be ruined." He gestured to his face, trying to make his expression look as earnest as possible.
It took a moment. But slowly, a smile crept onto her face. She shook her head.
"You sure?" he asked. "I seriously doubt you could hurt me."
"Do I look like a fighter to you?" she responded, fondly exasperated. "I can't even bear the idea of someone stepping on a flower. I could never punch you."
"Sure you could," he said, smiling mischievously for a moment and then letting the grin fall. He was trying to be serious. "You don't give yourself enough credit. You're capable of doing more than you think you can. That's all I meant by what I said. I didn't mean to make you think I blame you for being afraid. I don't think that way."
She was quiet for a moment. And then, "Thank you, Zack."
For a moment, they were both silent. Aerith didn't seem quite as sad anymore, but something about the way she stood, her arms wrapped protectively around herself, made her look unusually vulnerable. Zack took a step closer, reaching towards her. He wasn't quite sure what he'd been starting to do—maybe hug her, although he'd never hugged her before—but he didn't find out exactly what, because she was already turning away without seeming to notice the way he'd been moving towards her.
She continued walking in the direction they'd been headed, glancing back once to make sure he was following. Zack obligingly walked along with her, distracted.
Aerith, who was rarely assertive about anything, had been adamant that she was unable to do anything about her fear. Zack couldn't help but wonder what made her so certain about her own helplessness. Had something happened to her in the past?
Why, exactly, was she so kind to everyone, but also so timid and withdrawn?
You're such a mystery, Aerith.
He wanted to ask, but it was clear that she didn't want to talk about it. Whenever he asked her any questions about herself and her past, she would either respond slowly and cautiously or refuse to answer. If Zack tried to draw his own conclusions from what he saw, she would always deny them with such firmness that he felt like he had to let go of that train of conversation or risk being shut out.
And he hadn't forgotten the day he'd told her he liked the color of her eyes. As soon as he'd changed the subject back to their flower wagon, she'd brushed her bangs in front of her eyes, like she was trying to conceal them. Like she was trying to contradict any sort of conclusion he drew about her or any opinion he formed. It seemed to Zack almost like she didn't want him to make any sort of observation about her at all, and only know the things that she told him—which were few and far between.
Is she hiding something? he wondered. Or is she just incredibly insecure?
All he really knew about her was that she loved flowers, was thoughtful and kind, and was afraid of the sky. And that she wanted to be normal but feared she wasn't.
But she was so genuine, despite her secrets. She disliked ambiguous flirting and preferred when he was completely straightforward with her.
Yet she never reciprocated that straightforwardness. She dodged around Zack's questions and offered up any sort of explanation for her behavior with a sort of practiced vagueness. Whatever she actually told him about herself was all just fog and mirrors, completely insubstantial once he tried to build any additional knowledge off of it.
His biggest question was always why.
Afraid of the sky? Why? Because it feels like it's sucking you in?
But where did that fear come from? Is it because you haven't seen the sky in so long? But you said yourself that you haven't always lived in the slums. You couldn't have been so terrified of the sky before you came here, could you?
Unless… that's the reason you came here. Because you'd feel sheltered under the plate. That's the reason you told me you like it here, despite everything else.
But what about the sky could have possibly frightened you when you used to spend every day living underneath it? You never told me where you lived before you came here. You've never really told me anything. But why not?
And just like that, his brain was always going in circles around her. It made his head hurt, sometimes. Being in SOLDIER had reshaped his brain so that action and reaction, observation and sharp reflexes, were second nature to Zack. Puzzling out other people's behavior, especially Aerith's, was not one of his strong points.
"You're quiet," she said now, looking at him. Her beautiful green gaze was gentle, curious and maybe a little concerned. "I'm usually the quiet one."
He shook his head. "Just thinking."
"About what?" Her head tilted slightly to one side. It looked like a subconscious motion; Zack noticed it because he noticed everything she did, but he doubted she was aware of it herself. For once, she was completely focused on him.
"You," he said honestly.
She blushed vividly, like she always did when he unexpectedly complimented her, and then covered her face with her hands. "Zack! You can't say things like that."
"What? Why not?" he said teasingly. "It's true! Do you want me to lie?"
"Of course not," she said. "But you don't have to embarrass me!"
He put one arm around her and, acting on his earlier impulse, pulled her closer to him. He'd never hugged her like this before, but somehow it felt natural.
She suddenly went still, and he grinned at her, looping the other arm around her too. His heart felt light, and his lightness always seemed to end up sliding into mischief, even when he was trying to be serious. "Is this embarrassing?"
"No," she said, very quietly.
His grin faded. "Is this… okay?"
"Yeah," she said. "It's just… it's been a long time since someone hugged me. My mom knows that I don't always like being touched, so she doesn't try anymore… ever." Zack tried to pull away so he wouldn't make her uncomfortable, but she caught his hand in hers before he could. "No, you don't have to—" She turned and buried her face in his shoulder so he barely heard the rest of her words. "This feels nice."
Zack, caught somewhere between bewildered and oddly touched, simply held her. She felt warm in his arms, like sunshine. Her breathing sounded strange, but when he tilted his head to look at her face, it was clear that she wasn't crying.
"Aerith?" he asked, tentatively.
She took a deep breath and then pulled away. "I'm okay."
He brushed her cheek with the back of his hand, wanting her to tell him if there was something wrong, but she didn't say anything. She looked down at their feet.
"Hey, Aerith?" he said softly.
"Yeah?" she replied, in an even quieter voice.
"If you want to talk about anything, I'll listen," he said. Maybe this wasn't as clear to her as it was to him. "I probably don't come across as a good listener, but for you, I'll do my best. And when I said you can tell me anything, I really do mean anything. It doesn't have to be the full story. It doesn't even have to make sense. I'll try my best to understand without asking a bunch of questions. Okay?"
"… You do have a lot of questions, don't you?"
"Only about a million," he said, with a grin.
"But you won't ask them?"
"Not if you don't want me to. I can tell they're not really your thing."
Aerith looked startled. "It's not that—I don't actually—" she stammered, reaching out for her barriers instinctively. Then she took a deep breath, seeming to make a decision. "Okay, you're right. A lot of questions do make me uncomfortable. But it's… it's not that I don't want you to get to know me. I actually really do want you to get to know me. I know so many people in Midgar and yet none of them know anything about me at all. And that's exhausting. I hate feeling like I can't ever be myself. It's just… there's something really big that I don't feel ready to talk about. Something I might never feel ready to talk about, with anyone. And sometimes it feels like my life is so tangled up in itself that I'm really only that one thing, no matter how much I try. So if I don't answer some of your questions, it's because I… I just can't. But I don't want to make you feel like you can't ask me anything. I don't want there to always be these walls between us. I just don't know what to do, Zack."
This was the most he'd ever heard her say at once, the most straightforward she'd ever been with him. Zack was momentarily stunned. He had no idea what the "one thing" she'd mentioned could possibly be, but in this moment, she had been completely honest with him. Because she wanted him to get to know her.
"Zack?" She looked worried.
He realized he hadn't responded. "Sorry! I'm just surprised. But I'm really glad you decided to tell me all this. Listen, try not to worry so much about what you say and do around me, okay? I'm not going to judge you or pry about your secrets or anything like that. I like you a lot. Can't we just keep it simple like that?"
He wasn't sure exactly what he had been trying to say, but to his relief, Aerith seemed comforted from his words anyway. "Okay."
For a moment, the two of them simply looked into each other's eyes. Aerith's were relieved and hopeful, and so beautifully green. Zack thought he would probably be happy if he could spend the rest of his life gazing into them like this. He could forget about all the excitement and glory of SOLDIER, as long as he had her.
That's a crazy thing to think, isn't it? he realized. We're both so young, but… I'm already starting to imagine what it would be like to have Aerith in my life forever.
His heart began to beat faster as he realized just how close together they were standing. Right now, it would be easy to lean in and kiss her.
But does she want that? he wondered. She definitely liked him, but there was a big difference between liking a person and wanting them to kiss you. Considering the way she'd reacted when he'd hugged her, he wasn't sure she was ready for something like that. I need to be sure before I make any kind of move.
He wished he could read her body language better. Without being able to figure it out easily, he'd need to ask her directly. And although Zack considered himself to be a confident and decisive person, he felt a little shy when it came to Aerith. He thought it would be incredibly awkward and not at all smooth to outright ask whether he could kiss her. Especially since she'd looked so uncertain only a few moments ago. What if she said no? Or worse, what if she felt pressured into saying yes?
He liked Aerith too much to risk ruining things between them.
But maybe he was looking at this the wrong way. He wanted Aerith to trust him, and he wanted to be with her, but those things weren't necessarily now or never. If he chose not to act on his feelings today, he would always have another chance tomorrow, and another the day after, and another the day after that.
He didn't have to solve the mystery that was Aerith today, either. For now, that could be a dream for the future. Something that would happen one day.
And maybe that was enough for now.
"It's getting late," he said lightly. "Maybe we should call it a day. We might not have found the best place in Midgar, but I still had fun today."
Aerith blinked. "Okay. And… I did, too. Thank you for today, Zack."
Zack held out his hand. "Want me to walk you home?"
Smiling, she took it. "I'd like that."