Chapter 26 – Hermione's realisation

"I slept with him."

She had, hadn't she? Hermione could still remember his scent and the noises he made. It had to be real, because any nice dream she had lately turned into a nightmare. The bittersweet memory she had of the night was real and it made her giddy with love and guilt whenever she remembered it. Her heart hurt just thinking of him. He hadn't smiled even once, but he had looked good. For her it had been years since she had been that close to him, even longer since he hadn't looked worn out and scared. She wanted to go back to him and hug him but knew he most likely wouldn't welcome her again. When she had planned this all as a one-off thing she hadn't considered the feelings it would unleash. For her, he had been only a sad copy of her own lover. To feel him, touch him, smell him had changed it. Now she was aware of him in a way that hadn't been there before. Her nightmares still plagued her at night, but the panic attacks had been better since she had seen him. She kept avoiding larger groups of people, but wasn't startled as bad anymore if someone neared her from behind. Now instead of fear she felt a longing to see him again and shame for what she had done.

Ginny had joined her at Hogwarts after they had corresponded mostly via letters since Hermione ended up in this timeline. After Hermione had told her just now what she had done, Ginny was looking at her with wide eyes.

"Why? I know you love him, but you yourself told us he wasn't him." Ginny's voice was upset. She knew something was wrong with Hermione. The Hermione she remembered had grown up to be a strong and independent woman and great mother. Ginny always envied her friend for her calm and logical mind. Where Ginny got loud and emotional, Hermione had been her voice of reason. Like when Harry had taken forever to gather his courage to ask Arthur for her hand in marriage and it had driven Ginny crazy. She knew he was like another son for her parents but Harry had been worried and had hesitated again and again.

"Because I want to get pregnant. I want my family back Ginny." Hermione interrupted Ginny when she wanted to talk again. Suddenly the shame became too much and she sobbed quietly.

"Oh Merlin, what did I do? I know I can't get her back. Intellectually I know that. But it hurts, it hurts so much Ginny. My little girl was all that I had left beside Scorpius. Draco just left us without saying good bye. He is gone and the children are all that is left and now Aquila is gone too." Hermione cradled her arms around her abdomen and cried. Ginny had tears in her eyes at the obvious pain her friend felt. She had never lost a child and hoped she never would. It was bad enough when they lost Fred and it had taken her mother forever to come out of her depression afterwards. Ginny wished for Molly to be there to help her. She would know what to say and what to do, Ginny was sure of it. But it was her who was here and she knew getting angry wouldn't help. She wanted to shout at Hermione, shake her until she came back on the path of reason, but seeing her friend lost in her grief broke her heart.

"You have children Hermione. Rose and Hugo will come around soon and you'll have to take care of them, even if you don't have your own children anymore. They deserve your time and I know you'll come to know and love them, I'm sure of it. But I think maybe you need to talk to someone Hermione. You being you, I know you can do it. You are the strongest woman I know and we'll all be there for you and listen."

"I know something isn't right with my head, but it's not like there are therapists in the wizarding world I could consul about my problems. What happened can't get out and you know that. Any muggle therapist will declare me insane the second I start to talk. I'll have to power through all this alone. My kids as you called them hate me already anyway. All I see when I look at them is Ron."

"You are not alone. You have all of us, even if we have to get to know each other again. We will be here for you. Even if you are pregnant with that ferret's child." Ginny added a bit disgusted at the end, but she tried to smile. It made Hermione look at her for the first time.

"You would have loved Aquila. Sometimes she remembered me so much of you Ginny. She had a fire to behold." Hermione was smiling now, sadly but smiling.

"Hermione, you know you need to tell him if you are pregnant?" Ginny asked warily. She didn't even want to think about it, but knowing Hermione she knew her friend would have made sure she wouldn't have taken the risk not to fall pregnant.

Hermione started to laugh. "I got him drunk. I don't believe he even remembers having sex with me. That conversation is not one of those I look forward to have, but yes I know Ginny. He has a right to get to know his child, even if it was my muddled brain that got him into it, I'm not that unfair."

"You got him drunk..." Ginny shook her head. "I don't even want to ask for the full story of that evening." She sighed. At least Hermione had stopped crying now.

"I hope you know Ron will be devastated if your plot worked. He always wanted a big family and it was you... her that told him two were more than enough. You are not even divorced officially yet."

Hermione looked at Ginny who just sat across from her calmly. The girl she once knew would have thrown a temper about all of this, but this woman was way more collected.

"I'm sorry Ginny. I didn't know that. I know I need to get myself together, but everything is so different and I have a hard time adjusting. Talking helps, so I'm grateful you listen to me. I promise to fix things with Ron once we both cooled down."

It was easily said but Hermione knew it would be a hard promis to keep. Many things had happened between her and Ron and some things couldn't be forgotten. Even if this Ron was someone different the memories were still there.

"Good."

"So tell me about Harry and the kids." Hermione changed the topic. She wanted to catch up on everyone's life and forget the feeling of uneasiness she had. Now that her thoughts calmed down again it came back, telling her she had done something wrong that couldn't be solved by saying sorry.

"You see them more than me Hermione, tell me how they are."

Ginny's laugh was open and it made Hermione's heart hurt that she only got to see it again, so many years later. She wished she knew the person she had grown into without all the hate and war around her.

Eva made a lovely comment, after betaing this, and I agree with her. We are sadists, because we like the way Hermione mentally tortures herself.
I kept thinking again and again how I should portrait her, because she's strong on the outside and rarely showes weakness, but I think deep inside she's overthinking everything she does. While Draco was easy to write I had a hard time here. Personally I'm way closer to Ginny in character than I'm to Hermione, but I admire her for her strength. I think she's never without a plan and her emotional turmoil will cool down once she's anchored.