Chapter 30 – Will you always be there?

Within the next weeks Hermione concentrated on learning for her degree in Defence Against the Dark Arts. While she knew most of the spells by heart after her years in hiding, she still relished burying herself in any books she got her hands on. She needed it to keep herself from overthinking what she had done. She wavered between hoping for pregnancy and self-loathing, adding her longing to see Draco, she was a mess.

Sleep was once again mostly avoiding her and the few times she actually fell asleep often ended in a panic attack. It was about Aquila in the beginning but changed towards the end. Different people she had met here in this time accusing her of stealing their friend Hermione, Ron shouting at her for her selfishness or her old Professors looking at her like she had failed them. But by far the worst one was when she saw Draco at one side and Aquila at the other. They always told her to choose. Some nights she was rooted to the ground and others she moved towards one of them just to have them both vanish while Bellatrix crazy laugh sounded from afar. On days like that she stayed hidden in her room and didn't answer any visitors at her door. It took everything she had not to shout and cry herself hoarse.

On her good days she was glad that the room Minerva had assigned to her wasn't too far from the library, where she spent a lot of her time. If any of the students wondered why she was at Hogwarts they didn't dare to ask her. The only one that was brave enough to speak to her was Scorpius anyway. Her own children, as she had to remind herself again and again to call them, ignored her or steered clear of her. She saw Hugo twice but when he noticed her looking at him he scurried away. She didn't know what Rose had told her brother, but it was clear, while he had a settled character, he wasn't one to scrutinize. So she never had the chance to talk to him yet, keeping true to her promise to leave them alone if they didn't initiate a conversation. She didn't want to pressure them after Rose's reaction.

Her divorce with Ron was official for a few days and she wondered how the gossip pages weren't full of it yet. She knew Harry was most likely to thank for that. He took over most of her workload and kept mailing the most important things via owl towards Hogwarts. She still couldn't believe that she was the Minister of Magic. As much as she knew that her old self worked hard and had a dream fulfilled when she had succeeded Kingsley last year, she couldn't identify. With no knowledge of this world she only had the pace notes of her old self to rely on, while she made decisions. She knew her time in hiding at Hogwarts was running out fast. She wanted them to make her resignation official faster.

Molly was also sending her letters after letters. Her mother-in-law was just as she remembered her. Her words had switched from ones of anger to sorrow and angst after the first two weeks. Being a mother herself Hermione had stopped reading them, because she knew she should answer, but every draw for an answer had been unsatisfying. She would need to meet up with Molly and hope the older woman would understand her and not curse her like she deserved it. At least she had taken Harry's advice to heart and started reading the rest of the letters and answered some.

When it knocked on her door she raised her head from her book in surprise. It was late already and none of the staff ever visited her after curfew. Bothered she went to open and was greeted with the sight of Rose standing on her doorstep.

"You said you would always be there for us. Always!" she muttered and Hermione saw the tears in her eyes. Sighing she beckoned her in and prepared herself mentally for the coming conversation. Her daughter didn't move from the doorstep, but the tears started running unrestrained. She looked rather dishevelled and Hermione was reminded a lot of herself at Rose's age. A baggy uniform, slightly less tousled locks maybe and a flushed face.

"Don't you love us anymore? You not only divorced Dad, but left us too. He said you wouldn't be home for Christmas next month. You need to be home. It's Christmas. You promised nothing would ever make you stop loving us." Rose hiccupped and didn't give Hermione a chance to respond.

The girl turned around and ran away after she finished talking. Hermione went to follow her when she saw a tall blond boy at the end of the hallway who headed her daughter off and hugged her hard. She gave him a nod and closed her door again. So much for giving the children time to come for her. It looked like she would need to talk to Rose, especially since she had no idea what this had been about, but for now her girl had a friend with her.

Hermione came to a standstill when she noticed she had call Rose her girl in her head and a few tears started to gather in her own eyes. Talking to Ginny helped more than she could ever thank her friend for.

She had been able to open up more and more towards the redhead lately. The last time she had told her something she started to discover for herself.

"I feel like I can't even trust myself."

To voice it out loud had taken a lot of courage even if it was just in front of Ginny.

I wish all of you a very happy Christmas with all your dear ones and a lot of laughter.