Chapter 35 – A panic attack

The days until Ron's visit were spent writing down what she should say, but Hermione burned all her drafts. Nothing seemed right and when she reread it again she always found it lacking of something. A few times she debated getting help from Harry or Ginny, but she decided she should be able to do it alone.

A wrong decision she would only notice too late.

XxX

"Hello Ron.", Hermione greeted the man in front of her and tried to keep her voice normal, but she knew it fell flat. She looked him right in the eyes, but the shudder that went through her when he entered her room wasn't something she could stifle. His red hair shone just a tad redder in the evening light and made her remember another time, at another place, when it had been as red as blood.

"Hermione.", Ron's response wasn't any friendlier than her welcome and she could see he looked haggard. His robe was loose around his figure and while she might not look any better than him she at least knew why. Under all that aversion she held for the Ron she had lived with the last years there was a spark of genuine concern for the man in front of her.

"Would you like something to drink?", she asked with a lump in her throat and kept herself busy by walking towards her little table. She wasn't ready to sit down as long as he was standing and looking around her private space.

"I don't understand you 'Mione. We were fine until you went crazy and fell in love with the ferret." Ron suddenly whispered after she watched him walk around the room in circles. Hermione held herself still and breathed deeply.

"Can you honestly say that I am the love of your life? Was your first thought every morning since we last saw each other about me? Did my letter make your heart beat faster? Is your heart breaking each day you pass without seeing me?" Hermione looked at Ron and made a short break before she continued: "Or was it more like you were angry and now hope I came to my senses when I saw the divorce was real. Didn't you hope that I would crawl back to you? Wasn't that why you meet up with me?"

The moment the hateful word left her mouth she knew she shouldn't have said them, but she couldn't stop herself. She felt as if all the emotions suddenly needed to pour out of her or she would burst. Her room was too small and it took everything to stay where she was and not try to get away as fast as possible.

"I have no idea why, after listening to you just now! That's my problem, because you never talked to me. But what is yours Hermione? Whatever that Ron in your time did, it wasn't me! I fucking came here because of my children. And maybe to get an answer to why this all happened to our family."

Hermione slumped down in her chair, because the man in front of her was right, but she was drenched in sweat. They knew nothing about each other and she just attacked him for nothing but a snippy comment. He had suddenly looked so aggressive to her. Now her heart raced and her thoughts were in turmoil.

"I am sorry Ron. You are right, my anger got the best of me. I was the one who asked you to come and talk because of the children."

"Why do you even care? Suddenly remembered they are yours?", she could see his temper ran high now. All the frustration of the last weeks slashed themselves a way out of him.

"No Ron, I don't remember something that never happened for me, but to them I'm still their mother either way. Rose asked about Christmas and I wanted to know where we stood. I don't think I should show up at the Burrow, but she was really angry.", Hermione tried to explain the situation, but she could still see the anger in Ron's face. Her chance to talk to him openly was already lost. She knew she shouldn't have shouted, but it was too late now.

"You know what? I don't care! Clean up this mess you created yourself. I love our children, heck I don't know why, but I even love you, however I've had enough of your crap. We are divorced, so they'll get used to the situation. They'll spend Christmas with me, you can have them when they are at school. Maybe you can make up for all the time you'd rather spend at work than with your family."

Ron's final words echoed together with the door he had once again slammed close behind him. Hermione stayed behind in her small room she had gotten here at Hogwarts, looking around, blinking to keep her tears at bay. She hated how pathetic she had become in the short time she spent in a world without war. Constant vigilance she scolded herself, but knew she had messed up with Ron anyway.

She had wanted to make sure that there was no way around a divorce, having her own Ron in mind, never trying to get to know the person he grew up to be in this different world.

"What am I doing?", she whispered but there was no one who could hear and answer her.

Note: I'm back and Hermione is getting worse. Thank you for all your patience the last months. I hope I'll be able to post more often now that I'm back home and working. I'm also thinking about remodelling a few of the old chapters to make the story flow more smootly, but my priority will be on the new chapters.