~Chapter 3~

I stood very hesitantly at Darien's apartment door. Once a place of refuge and solace, it had become a place of extreme discomfort and anguish. That door had never looked so intimidating before now... Maybe it was just me, but did he do something new to it? Argh! Now wasn't the time to get cold feet! Now was the time to salvage what was left of our relationship!

I mustered every ounce of courage I had in me. I reached to knock on the door. My hand froze along with the rest of my body. I just couldn't do it... I'd lied to myself. I wasn't ready for this! What the heck was I thinking? And now here I am, standing right outside his door. What if he came outside right now? He'd see me and expect an explanation! And then what would I tell him?

The door opened right then and my arm snapped back to my side. With my luck, I should've known this would happen. Darien looked up from whatever he'd been looking at and seemed somewhat shocked to find me lingering around. Before he saw me his expression included a smile. Now there was a frown. And of course, the question I knew he was bound to ask. "Serena, what are you doing here?"

I felt my face grow hot to the point of nearly burning. I didn't know what to say!

Thankfully, I was given more time to think about it. A much younger girl holding a ball that looked an awful lot like my cat popped out from behind my ex-boyfriend. She didn't seem to see me at first and was about to ask him a question, then halted when she noticed I was here. We both found ourselves locked in an uncomfortable stare-down. It felt like an hour before Darien finally intervened.

"Uh, Rini, what was it you wanted?" he asked the pink-haired girl.

She slowly drew her eyes from mine and smiled at him. "I was just wondering if you could teach me how to bake some cookies."

Darien nodded and gave me a look that asked if it was okay to get her started on adding the ingredients. In response, I put a hand up, smiled, and said, "Oh, no, go ahead! I forgot what I was going to say anyway."

Liar...

Darien nodded, pried his attentions from me, and pulled his door shut. As soon as he did, my smile dropped, my arm fell limp, and my head might as well have rolled off my torso. The lock clicked. I somehow refrained from crying. I didn't know what it was that kept me from breaking down right then and there, but I was thankful it had stopped me.

I leaned against the wall and slumped down, letting my head rest on my knees. My arms weren't really in a position, they were just sprawled out beside me.

It didn't take long before I found myself reaching for my purse. Normally I wouldn't have brought it with me since it was just Darien's house, but this time was different. In my purse was a little pocketknife I'd "borrowed" from Sammy. He never used it anyway and I can guarantee you he wouldn't notice its absence. I reached in and fished it out. My head turned slightly so I could glance at the blade popping out. It was untainted and had no rust. I wouldn't get tetanus if I used it. And besides, right now I really needed it. Right now this little guy was my friend.

Before positioning it above my wrist, I examined my reflection in the metal. I looked like I was ready to die, already embracing death if it wanted to come in. As much as I wanted to look away, I didn't. Here I was, right about to cut myself again. I lifted my wrist up a little more so I could see where one of my wristbands had folded on itself, revealing at least eight or nine scars and two scabs. The other wrist, I knew, wasn't any better. I couldn't help it, though. The feeling that nested in my gut wouldn't go away until I slit my skin. Only this was bad pain, so I'd have to go just a little deeper. I couldn't keep going deeper, though. I was already about one centimeter away from slicing through the vein everyone keeps talking about. If I hit that, it was all over. I didn't want it to be over.

I turned my wrist to its side and cut it there, that way I wouldn't focus too much on my feelings while I cut, and therefore if I cut too deep, I wouldn't hit that vein. I slid the blade back into its wooden slot and put it back in purse. I'd clean it later. Right now I just wanted to watch my blood drip down. Even though it was on the side, I'd cut it pretty deep. I might've even hit bone. And I'd done it three times, just to make sure the feeling wouldn't come back. So, yes, the blood didn't just run down my arm, it dripped off.

I looked up at Darien's door. I stood up and intentionally smeared blood across it. After I was done I let my arm fall back to my side, feeling the blood trickle down my fingers and making its new dropoff point my fingertips. I picked up my black wristband, but decided against putting it on. Perhaps if Darien saw me like this, he'd...no...he'd do nothing but regret dumping me and he'd take me on pity dates. That wasn't a relationship at all, that was just being nice to someone. Friends took other friends on pity dates, boyfriends didn't. Boyfriends left you a hundred voice messages and texts. To be perfectly honest, boyfriends showed concern. Darien wouldn't. Not anymore.

I sighed.

You moron... You're in deeper water than that! What will other people think if they saw all that blood on your hand?

Oh, that's right. I looked down to see that my hand had, in fact, been coated crimson. The white tile floor had several dark red spots on it from where my bleeding wrist had been hovering over it. The blood contrasted greatly with the white tiles. This wasn't good. I needed to find something to wrap my hand up in. But, and again, darn the luck I had, I'd forgotten to pack some gauze or cotton in my purse before I left.

I swore to myself I wouldn't cry; I hadn't cried real tears in God-only-knows how long. I just wanted it to go away. Why was it fair I had to suffer while everyone else seemed to be living a happy life? I cried in front of my friends about the stupidest little things that never actually bothered me, like getting a failing grade or having my weight made fun of. Getting a failing grade didn't bother me because other than my love for Darien, which for some reason wouldn't waver even now, I didn't have any emotions left. I think I got rid of them long ago, letting pain and hurt fill the void.

I glanced back at Darien's door one last time, knowing this may very well be the last time I ever get to look at it. Let's just face facts, he hated me. I didn't know why, but I wasn't that dense. I could take a hint. ...I just had a hard time giving him up is all. I took a deep breath, suddenly finding myself, even as I was looking at his door, trying to forget who he was and what he meant to me.

I was not going to cry over him.

I was not going to cry.

Ever.

Never.

I started to feel slightly lightheaded. Worried and concerned, I looked down at my wrist, inspecting it to see if I might've hit a vein by accident. Two of the cuts went a little closer to the underside of my wrist than I intended, but I don't think I hit any major veins, probably just a few smaller branches of veins. To my surprise there was still blood coming out; it hadn't scabbed over yet. This was indeed something to keep watch over. I didn't have anything to stop the blood; I had to get out, sneak out somehow.

I looked toward the side of the wall, where an air vent was waiting for me to crawl out. Before I went through, I looked back at the white floor, soiled by my red blood. The contrast was great and I knew someone would see it. I knew Darien would see it.

What would Darien do in that kind of situation? Would he suspect that it was my blood? Would he think I'd gotten a bad nosebleed or something? Probably not. I could lie about the blood once it clotted. I could say that I'd been painting and spilled some red paint all over my arms. But even if that was believable, Darien and the rest, if he chose to tell my friends, would see the blood smeared across his door and know something different was up. Maybe I could just keep quiet about it. If he confronted me about it, I could just act like I had no idea.

I could transform back into helpless, whiny Serena. Granted, it wasn't who I really was, but for now it was an excellent coverup. No one would ever guess that bubbly and cheerful Serena would hurt herself. And ever since Darien broke up with me, I'd acted "bubbly-sad", basically just whining about how he'd dumped me.

I shook my head. It was over. There was nothing left between us. I just had to face the facts, cope with it, and move on. I sighed and crawled through the vent, making sure I put the grate back on first.

As I walked through the streets, which were eerily empty, I squeezed my wrist. It was still bleeding, and I didn't know why. Maybe I'd actually severed one of those vein branches. Either way, I was loosing enough blood to make me a little dizzy. Felt like the ground might fall apart.

I closed my eyes. The streets were so empty that I wouldn't bump into anyone. Cars didn't pass by. I wished they would. I needed something else to focus on. There was nothing, though. It was as empty as my soul. I stopped walking and looked at the asphalt. It guided cars along, telling them where to go. It kept them safe from crashing into a tree or a pole or another car. It helped them to get where they wanted to go. What a helpful little road... Wish I had one.

I sighed and kept walking. Was it normal to stay in a depression for this long, without any letup? I had nobody I could talk to. Darien shut me out of his life. The girls would be horrified if they knew. My family would think me nuts. I didn't have a road to help me out. I didn't have anyone.

I heard a voice behind me and put on my ditz mask. But it was only Luna.

"Oh, hi, Luna," I greeted. I gave her my sweetest smile.

"Serena, I'm worried about you," she said. Her eyes reflected her emotions. She was serious. She didn't want crap from me, she wanted the real deal.

"What do you mean?" I asked, feigning innocence.

She furrowed her little kitty eyebrows. "You haven't been yourself ever since your breakup with Darien. You don't think I know what's happening? You don't think I hear you mumbling in your sleep?"

I dropped half my act. "Well, I don't know. It's been hard, you know? But I mean, I'll get through it. It'll just take some time, that's all."

Luna's cat eyes revealed her thoughts. She knew something else was up. She knew there had to be something about me she had yet to figure out. And she was likely thinking that Darien had everything to do with this new and strange behavior.

Little did she know that Darien had much more to do with this than she could possibly imagine. He had caused a much bigger reaction than Luna realized. But so long as only myself knew my secret, it would be alright. Eventually everything would smooth out again, and I would stop cutting and start smiling. Real smiles, not the fake ones. Although it felt like I was caught in an unbreakable rope right now, things would look up and everything would be okay. I could return to being a Sailor Scout. I could get my life back, the life I had before I even met Darien. Now, sometimes I doubted that would happen, but I knew it had to happen, otherwise thoughts of suicide would start tempting me. I was highly unlikely to give into those temptations, but sometimes I wondered what would become of me now that I was one of those "troubled teens" that had already resorted to cutting herself. And who knows how deep I would go in due time? It could be enough to permanently end my suffering one of these days.

It might not be long...

My communicator beeped and as I pulled it out, merely for the sake of not worrying my friends, a little face popped onto the screen. I was happy to see it was Lita this time and not Rei. I couldn't stand to face Rei at the moment, especially given the fact that I had just seen Darien...

"Hey, Lita. What's up?" I greeted her, a smile on my face and a tone as soft as a rose petal.

I heard someone else talk in the background and I saw the brunette turn her head for a second to listen. She nodded after a few seconds and turned back to me. "Well, we were wondering when we were going to see you again. You've kind of hidden yourself. And we've had to handle all the mission alone. We want you to come back to the Scouts."

I furrowed my eyebrows in irritation. "Rei told you to say that, didn't she?"

Lita was silent, but frowned. Just because Rei had told her to say it didn't mean she hadn't said what was on her mind. On this matter, she had agreed with Rei. Everyone probably had. And it wasn't because Rei had pressured them into agreeing with her, it was because everyone knew something deeper was going on with me, they just couldn't pinpoint what it was yet. And I planned to keep it that way.

"We're just really worried, that's all. Ever since you and Darien broke up-" I shut my communicator off. In a few seconds it beeped again, but this time I didn't answer it. Did they really think I wanted to hear about Darien breaking up with me and then replacing me with what was supposedly our future daughter? If they were just that stupid, then they weren't fit to be a Sailor Scout.

"See?" Luna continued. "You've completely cut off your friends and you refuse to be Sailor Moon. You've grown selfish, you know that? You won't even help the others with their missions! What's gotten into you!"

I "hmph"ed and tried to zone out while she kept on with her criticism. She didn't even know what really happened, only that I was now single, yet she thought she had the right to accuse me of being "selfish". If she had known what really happened, she probably wouldn't be saying these things. Besides, if anything, she was being the selfish one. Instead of trying to cheer me up or help me get over this thing, she wanted me to continue on as if nothing ever happened. As if Darien hadn't chosen Rini over me... If only she could imagine how she would feel if Artemis had chosen Diane over her. Then maybe she could talk to me.

I sighed as I quickly glanced down at my black wristband. I knew Luna hadn't noticed, or else she would undoubtedly find it suspicious and remove the one thing that could cover up my wounds. Maybe dying wasn't so bad after all...

Thinking suicidal thoughts already?

No, I wasn't. I was depressed, not emo. I didn't necessarily want to die, but sometimes it seemed like the only escape. I didn't want to muddle through this without any emotions. I wanted to become the fake Serena, bubbly and cheerful and whiny. But unfortunately...that just wasn't how life worked.

And worse, now what was I going to do? Darien had been the one thing that kept me from going totally wacko and doing dumb things. I had never had a boyfriend before, see, and I had felt like I was unlovable. If Darien hadn't come along, I might have turned to drugs or strip clubs or something of that nature. Actually drugs didn't seem all that bad right now. I mean, if I only tried them once, if I only experimented...if I didn't go overboard... Maybe they could solve my problems. They made you happy, right? And once it wore off, you just got some more, right? It seemed simple enough, and if I took a steady, harmless dosage, I'm sure I would be okay. If I just took a small dosage every now and then, I would be okay. I wouldn't get addicted like those idiots on TV.

I decided not to try drugs. Not yet at least. If things got so bad that there was just no way I could handle it, then I would try them. But somehow I doubted things would get that bad.

Luna continued to rant on about my neglection of my duties and roles I needed to fulfill. I hoped she knew that I wasn't listening to a single word she was saying.