Chapter 41 - A heavy burden of guilt

"Hermione!" Harry exclaimed, surprised to see his friend on his doorstep. She didn't look worse than the last time he had seen her, but what worried him was that she didn't look much better either. She was still thin, her eyes were dull and her hair kind of lustreless. At least her robe was nice and made her look similar to normal, even if it was way too thin for this kind of weather.

"Sorry for dropping in on you like this."

Harry took a step back to let Hermione come inside from the cold. Her hands were buried in her pockets and her nose was red from the cold already.

"You came to talk to Ginny?" Harry asked when she took of her frock-coat, a thin but beautiful dark green one with stitchery. For a moment it looked like Hermione wanted to keep it close to herself but then she gave it to Harry, who hung it up on their hall stand. There was no reason to feel threatened in this house. Her hands brushed the embroidery, when she passed her coat, to follow Harry further inside.

"No. I think I came to talk to you." Her answer came out in a hesitative voice, but she looked at Harry and became sure it was the right thing to do.

"Oh, I just thought you would prefer her. You never sought me out since... you know, you came back. Nothing beside a few letters about work." Harry offered and went up the stairs while Hermione followed him.

"I know. Sometimes I talked to you back there. Not really you, but the you I kept in my heart. You were my confidant even after your death." There was a short break and Harry looked behind himself to see why Hermione stopped talking, but she only shook her head with another sad smile.

"When Ron visited a few days ago we had..., no I sought a fight. I blamed him for things I guess he never did. I can't keep pushing everyone away because it's easier than accepting."

There was another short break from Hermione's side, but Harry didn't interrupt her. He merely opened the door to the library and directed her towards the big open space near the door. Cosy brown leather chairs surrounded a deep red and gold carpet with the Potter crest in the middle. An old heirloom Harry found in his parents vault. He knew Hermione would be comfortable in this room, or he hoped so. Some things with her were just too different from the Hermione he knew.

"I need to look forward again so I wanted to meet you. As you died two decades ago when I see you it's easier to accept this."

"When I think about what you are going through I feel like I failed my son even more. You can't believe how sorry I am for what happened to you Hermione. I hope you know it."

Harry felt his heart sink just thinking about why his son had stolen the time turner.

"I'll do what I can to make it up to you." He promised her while their eyes met. Sitting down Hermione shook her head yet again.

"Not everything that happens is your fault Harry. It never was, you can't safe us all. Yes, your son should have known better, but I agreed to remedy his wrong and this is the outcome. The best we can do is to love our children and patiently show them a better way. It's something I struggle with myself at the moment."

Hermione admitted it in a small voice, ashamed of how she treated the family she chose when there was no war around. She knew she had tried with Hugo, who was very similar to herself, but Rose and her had clashed badly. Her hope was on a small letter, but she would not know until later.

"Albus didn't even want to eat with us, he was the first out the door today when Ginny announced they would leave for the Burrow." Harry announced while he looked at his hands. "I think he hates me. Maybe not me, but the baggage I come with. The fame was always too much for him, even when he was small. He liked to hide rather than stand up front like James. I tried to make sure he knew Slytherin was just as fine as every other house after he was sorted, but with the friend he made I think my own prejudices made me act in a way that belied my words. To think that Malfoy and me could be friends is just outside of my comfort zone. To think that you married him and had a child boggles my mind."

Hermione smirked in a way that made Harry's hair stand up. "They grow on you, trust me. Draco is very intelligent and cunning, you should have heard him when he helped me planning. His ideas..." Hermione broke off and her face got a faraway look as she got lost in her own thoughts. Many different emotions crossed her face while she remembered, but she didn't continue.

"Will you tell me about Ron, too? You never mention him." Harry sounded tired. He sat back in his chair to relax his strained muscles.

Hermione's voice was small now and she closed her eyes before she started telling Harry what went down years ago. The longer she was here the more she hoped it was just a nightmare she could forget one day.

"Ron, as you might have imagined, was never happy with the arrangement we had with Severus. He was gravely injured when we were rescued from Hogwarts and woke up in a small room with most of his family dead. I told you about my reaction when Draco came to us with Scorpius. It was derisory compared to the one Ron had, when he saw me with the child in my arms. It got even worse after Ginny got killed."

With a shudder Hermione remembered that night. How many hours she had spent snapping at Ron. Draco had been in hours before and it was before they got close. Back then they could barely stand each other and seeing him granted on her nerves.

"It was on a mission I had planned with the information I got from Draco. When Ginny didn't come back I feared for the worst. It had been essential that she was on time. Ron and I waited for her and Dean together, but they never came. Only Severus, a day later."

A silent tear rolled down Hermione's face, but she carried on, ignoring it.

"Ron grew bitter and got reckless afterwards. He wanted to kill as many Death Eaters as he could, without waiting for orders. George joined him and they went on suicide missions, one after another. I was afraid for them, but Ron didn't talk to me after I defended Draco for the mission Ginny had died on. If it was anyone's mistake, it was mine. I know my mind was occupied by the baby I took care of. Ginny dotted on him too. The days between Scorpius' arrival and her death I saw her laugh again, for the first time since Harry's death. Ron had stayed clear of us, but never said something. He was happy to see his sister come out of her depression. The night of the failed mission was grim. We didn't know what was going on, just that she and Dean weren't on time. It took Severus a whole day to contact us unnoticed. They started to raid earlier than planned, and their escape route failed them. I hadn't given them a plan B. George closed down and shut himself, while Ron raged on and on. He told me to give the baby to him. He wanted to make Draco feel the loss of a family member too. His grief made him say and do many stupid things that night after Ginny's death. But you asked for the reason I can't look at Ron anymore. The truth is I understood him to a certain degree. I was angry, but focused on planning. There were people depending on me, a baby that needed attention. So time went on, until the night Ron and George overdid it. Another mission they went berserk on. But this time only Ron came back, if you can call it that. He Apparated, long after they were supposed to be back. It was horrific to see. He was coted over and over in blood, laughing, while his broken wand shattered to the ground. Half of his body was covered by boils and his left side had splinched when he Apparated. I have no idea how he even Apparated with his broken wand. We had some potions, Severus provided us with most of them, that I could use. Dittany's essence was at hand, but Ron told me to save it. He had lost a lot of blood and caught it up too. Burn wounds were on his hand and covered the skin that was free of boils. He didn't want to be saved. He knew he was way beyond saving and came back to let me see him die. He laughed and told me it was what I deserved for trusting Draco and Severus. I still tried to save him with everything I had anyway. Spending days and sometimes weeks alone I had read any book available. There were so many spells on healing, but his wounds were done by dark magic. It wouldn't have been a fast death, nor was it a clean one. The boils kept growing and eating away his skin. The burn marks devoured his bones and his left side bled on the carpet."

Hermione knew she had to confess the rest. She had started to tell the truth, now she needed to finish. That didn't make it any easier on her. All logic defied her, her reasoning never helped against the small voice in her head. She was a murderer. Her fight against the upcoming panic kept her from talking for a few moments. She had to concentrate on her breathing until she was able to continue. Closing her eyes, so she wouldn't see Harry she had to collect herself. She hated when she lost control like this and others could witness it. It took her longer than normal to come back from the attack, but Harry stayed silent, unsure about what was going on. Hermione kept telling herself it was over until she was calm enough to open her eyes again.

"I Avada'ed him Harry. I don't know how many hours I spend at his side, while he rambled on and on. He told me that he loved me and that I betrayed him. Never before had we talked about more than friendship between us, I always thought it was his dislike for Draco that made us grow apart. Scorpius cried a lot, but I ignored him. When Ron started his hate speech a third or fourth time I cried with my son. I couldn't watch him suffer anymore. He couldn't talk without problems, switching between telling me he loved me and would die, to blaming everyone. I told him I would end his suffering and he smiled at me. He made me snap by telling me to do it or he would kill that bastard's child next door with bare hands as soon as he could get up. Scorpius was barely a year old. I left Ron's body and shut myself into Scorpius' room until Draco and Severus came hours later. I never knew I could be a killer until then. I always thought I missed the intent to use an Unforgivable. Since then I know better."

Harry didn't know if Hermione even noticed she had started crying, but handed her a tissue. His heart broke for his friends and he understood why she never talked about it. He had killed a few times at the battle and even more as an Auror, but never with the Killing Curse. Still, even without it, killing wasn't something that was done lightly and he never wanted to know what else Ron had said to make Hermione hate him enough to kill him.

"Ron and George had a simple mission. Rescue as many innocent as possible before the raid began. They knew at what time the Death Eaters were supposed to turn up. When they Apparated, they were alone, so I know they had to have stayed back on purpose. Ron wanted revenge on Draco. He killed Pyrites Jr when the raid started, while shouting for Draco to come out and fight him. He nearly gave Draco away as a spy. Severus had to use a silence spell on him, while the other Death Eaters were still confused by the ambush. Ron's non-verbal spells were weak, and Ron knew it. Still he fought on, instead of Disapparating. Crabbe and Avery got him in the end, while Draco wasn't even on the raid. Jugos had killed George from behind within the first minute. When they broke his wand they lifted the silence spell to taunt him. They wanted answers, but Ron took the broken wand and Apparated, leaving only his left arm behind. Severus told me the Dark Lord had been furious with them afterwards, because they forgot the wards to prevent him from fleeing. He only left them alive after he saw the state Ron was in, in their memories. Draco blamed old school rivalries and insaneness on Ron's behaviour. Ron didn't just risk his own life, he risked everyone's with his foolishness. That's the reason I can't look at him anymore. I'll always try to remember I loved him and thought of him as a friend, but I know the length he would go on a temper tantrum, without regret and foresight. Looking back now, maybe all the Killing Curses he cast himself made him insane. We knew better than to use it but he was broken by the deaths around him, in more than one way. And I killed him Harry, I killed my best friend, and maybe it was mercy, but I feel sick about it. It might be true that you split your soul with every kill, but killing a friend rips it apart. All I wanted was for it to be over."

Harry didn't know how he should react, but he could feel the tears in his own eyes. He stood up and walked to stand in front of Hermione. There he kneeled down and hugged her to him, while they shared the burden of her history in silence.

Hermione spent that night in a guestroom at the Potter's, after Ginny found her husband and her friend, both in tears, in her library when she came home. She had given them tea with a calming draught and sent them to bed like she would with her children, after seeing how utterly defeated they looked.

Harry had known there was a big chasm between the Hermione he knew and loved and this terror ridden soul, but he hadn't known how deep her struggle ran.

She didn't fully believe she had left everything behind her and it kept her apart from her friends and family here. In her resentment it looked like she was sabotaging herself from gaining any happiness. To have her talk to him might be the first step, but Harry feared it would be hard to make her believe she was safe and loved because she was searching for it in places she had known before and that didn't exist.

Not only did he struggle with the picture she painted of Ron, but he couldn't see her with Malfoy either. For him Ron and Hermione had always belonged together. They were his best friends, had always been at his side, even after they had grown up.

In bed he spent hours talking to Ginny about what Hermione had told him. They spent the night in each other's arms thinking, getting nearly no sleep. Ginny, about how she could help, and Harry about how lucky he was to have the love and the support of his family and friends.

When they finally fell asleep it was not for long, but Hermione was gone.

AN: I promised some more Draco x Hermione, but you'll have to wait until next week for it. Today is all about Hermione and Ron, for thoose who wondered.