~Chapter 4~

For several more weeks, I somehow managed life. I tried my best to make good grades, juggling my depression, my schoolwork, and my at-home issues. My parents still, thankfully, had absolutely no idea what was going on with their daughter. Luna was still suspicious of me, but had calmed down a bit. The only time she really got riled up was when the Scouts were asking me, sometimes begging me, to attend a meeting. Everyone but Amy was starting to treat me harshly because I would hardly talk to them and revealed myself as a ditzy teen only at the arcade, which I started going to less and less often. Another thing Luna could rub in my face. Amy was literally the only one tolerating me anymore. Being the most analytical and observant person in my little group, she suspected something else was up. She was turning into Luna's duplicate. In fact, because I knew just how easily she could figure things out, I grew increasingly nervous around her. Whenever she contacted me, I wouldn't respond. Whenever I answered my communicator to see her face greeting me, I immediately shut it off. I had no grudge against Amy. She was a sweet and caring girl. But whenever she set her mind to something that involved her grades or her friends, she usually got to the bottom of it. And rather quickly, I might add.

But thanks to my constant awareness, I had managed to elude her for what seemed to be the longest time. Even Amy couldn't place her finger on what was really going on. She knew very well that I was hiding something, and as determined as she was to figure it out, she simply couldn't do it. She was the main person in my life I worried about. The others were so much more oblivious than Amy and Luna, and as concerned as I was about Luna finding out, which made it worse since she lived with me, I could tell Amy was trying to piece the puzzle. I could tell that she had already gotten some of it done, but it was only a small portion. She had yet to find the other peices that were essential to build on what she already had.

Oh, and did I mention one other thing that made me more secretive and more alert to others? I had started smoking. I was very cautious about this. My parents didn't know, and Luna didn't know, which meant Amy definitely didn't know. Used to be, my mom told me they put bird crap in cigarettes. For the longest time I genuinely believed her, especially since I was much younger when she told me this. But now that I was older, I understood that cigarettes didn't include bird poo in whatever it was under the paper. For the record, I hadn't bothered much to look into what I was smoking.

Oh, but the best part was that Darien had no clue. He didn't know what he'd done to me, and I would do everything in my power to make sure he never got the chance to know. And since he usually treated me like I was a piece of garbage on the street, in terms of avoiding me, I didn't have to worry much about him. And I usually didn't have to worry about anyone else. I washed my clothes in a laundromat, bringing an extra pair of clothes so I would still have something to wear while the smoky ones were being cleaned, and I brushed my teeth thoroughly after each cigarette. I hung out in allies to avoid detection by someone I knew. I bought the packs in secrecy, dressing myself in a hoodie and darkly tinted sunglasses so that no one would be able to clearly see my face, and therefore unable to guess who I was. I still wore the black wristbands just in case.

The only reason I smoked was because I'd learned that it acted like a very light drug, releasing some kind of chemical in the brain that stimulated a little spark of peace and happiness. Only a little spark, though. Nothing major. Plus it was legal and no one would arrest me since it was so common to see other teens smoke. And besides, cutting took my mind off Darien and Rini, and the cigarettes let me be at a short term of peace, relieving me of the heavy burden Darien had so generously placed on my heart.

What would he think if he saw me like this? I already knew the answer. He would take pity on me and try to be my friend, taking me on those fake dates that I would hate so much.

I slid a cigarette out of a Camel pack and popped open the lid of a small lighter. In seconds I ignited a tiny flame the size of a candle's fire. The flame flickered as I held the cigarette in my mouth and brought it up to the end of the stick. It didn't take long for the magic to work. I took the cigarette from my mouth and blew out the last embers of the lighter before closing the lid. I put the paper-filled stick back in my mouth and inhaled.

I almost swallowed my cigarette when I heard familiar voices noisily chatting a bunch of unimportant things. From what I could hear, it was Amy and Mina. The others might be with them, but if they were then they weren't talking.

I huddled close to a corner and turned my back to a point where it was almost impossible to recognize me. I froze as the voices drew nearer to my location.

"Yeah, I know. She hasn't shown up at all for the past...uh... Amy, help me out," Mina said.

"To be honest, I lost track around the fourth week," Amy replied.

The footsteps could be heard now, which meant they were going to pass right by me. The moment of truth would be upon now. This moment would decide whether or not they would find out. Maybe not about the cutting, but...

"I think something else is up with her." I knew Mina was talking about me, but right now I had more important matters to focus on.

"We all do. I wish she would give us at least something to go on. I mean, it's not like her to just disappear all of a sudden."

"Yeah. I know the breakup with Darien was a big blow for her, but by now she should've lighten up at least a little bit, don't you think?"

I waited and waited, growing angry that they would talk about my diminished relationship behind my back. There were boundaries, and as my friends they should respect those boundaries. They were discussing something really personal right now, something that had nothing to do with them whatsoever. The least they could do was try to understand, try to respect my way of coping with this.

After what seemed like an entire freaking eon, they went away, rounding a turn and vanishing behind another building. Chances were, they were headed for the arcade. Well good riddance. At least they were concerned about me though. Darien wasn't. Not anymore. What luck I had, landing a guy who, right when I needed him the most, dropped me like a hot piece of metal. It wasn't just a "big blow", it was a devastating bullet that I hadn't had time to dodge.

I sighed and turned around to finish off the cigarette, smoking seeping out of my parted lips as I exhaled. A gray cloud embraced the airspace above my head, soon dissipating with the wind.

Soon the unexpected happened, and a furious Luna stepped out from the shadows. "SERENA!"

I yelped in surprise and stumbled backwards. I had been so vigilant...when had she found me? Or a better question, how did she find me?

The only upside to this was that I could easily turn the tables on her and corner her. "What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here? Oh wait, the answer is right in between your fingers!" she hissed, the fur on her back standing on end as if she had rubbed a balloon on herself.

"Yeah, so?" I answered, playing the nonchalant card.

"So, you shouldn't be smoking! What would your parents think, Serena!" she continued.

I huffed and replied, "I don't care what they think. And besides, they don't even know. And you can't tell them, Luna. A talking cat would blow an everyday sight out of the water."

"I can tell the girls though," she said truthfully, thinking she had me cornered. It was really just the opposite.

"So what? You'll tattle on me? And to the girls? They won't be able to do anything about it. Besides, this doesn't involve you. It's not your job to tell me what I can and can't do." I tapped my cigarette and let a burnt portion of it fall to the ground.

"You'll regret this one day." She seemed to resign herself to the defeat I'd bestowed upon her. It became instantly clear to the both of us that she couldn't convince me to stop smoking. It was probably the one thing she couldn't talk me out of.

Checkmate.

"What's gotten into you? You aren't the Serena I know anymore..."

"The Serena you knew was a fake. This is the real Serena. Like what you see? Didn't think so," I said.

"This just started all of a sudden. This isn't you. It was never you. You didn't act like this until- Wait, don't tell me this is about Darie-"

I cut her short with a snappy interruption. "Get it through your head, Luna! This isn't your business! You have no right to talk about anything that happened between me and Darien, got it?"

I put the cigarette up to my mouth and breathed in before taking it out again. I tapped the little thing again so the burnt part fell off.

"Will you...you... UGH!" She turned around and slinked off to wherever it was she was going. I didn't know whether or not she would tell the girls, but I had made an excellent point. No one could really do anything about this, no matter how hard they tried. At least Luna had already realized that.

The very next morning, and I literally mean as soon as I woke up, my phone vibrated. Then, almost at the same time, my communicator beeped. I couldn't help but wonder who it was. Part of me was really hoping it was Darien. Another part of me wondering why I tried so hard to hang on to the last threads of that relationship, if there were any threads left.

As soon as my phone stopped vibrating, it started vibrating again. When I finally got up after about seven more vibrations, I noticed that my phone had like forty texts and exactly twelve missed calls. My communicator was still beeping, and I turned it off, already knowing it was one of the girls. I don't know how I slept through the communicator. I reluctantly checked my e-mail. I wished I hadn't. There had to be at least a hundred e-mails, but thankfully only about five or six of them were from the girls. The rest was just spam.

I sighed and got up. I knew Luna had told them, and now they were frantically trying to find out why I'd started smoking. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. I mean, everyone but my great-grandmother from my mom's side of the family smoked. Therefore, smoking was in my blood. Every time I went to visit them I was exposed to it; it was only a matter of time. And now the time had finally come, big whoop. No need for this huge blowup.

I sighed again and decided that today I would completely avoid the girls. I would hang out in one of those nasty place smack in between bars and fast food restaurants if I had to. Anything but having to talk to them about this. Maybe I would after this mess had settled down. Maybe they were just having a hard time grasping it, and hopefully they would get over in a few days to a week's time frame.

Now it seemed like I was making a huge deal by taking drastic measures to hide myself from my pesky and rather nosy friends. I say pesky mainly because of Rei, who was probably the one sending most of these texts.

My phone vibrated again, this time with another call. I didn't pick up the phone. I pressed the ignore button and started looking through my text messages. As I suspected, most of them were from Rei.

Serena, you need to call me! -Rei. Are you okay? -Mina. OMG You're smoking now? -Lita. Tell me it's not true! -Lita. Why are you smoking? -Amy. What's wrong? -Rei. We're worried about you! -Rei. Luna told us everything. What's going on? -Mina. We need to talk... -Rei. Is it true? Are you really smoking? -Lita. This isn't funny! -Rei. You could get cancer from all the nicotine! -Amy. What's next, drugs? -Rei. It's not good for you to smoke! -Mina. You have to stop this, Serena. -Mina. We're still here for you. You can talk to us, you know. -Amy. We won't think badly of you! -Lita. Is this why you've been so down lately? -Rei. It's really stupid and immature to smoke. -Rei. Especially if it's just because of a breakup! Sorry, I forgot to put this in the last text. -Rei. You have to stop doing this to yourself. -Mina.

I just deleted the rest of them. From what I'd read, they all pretty much said the exact same thing. I bet not a single one of them said "I'm sorry you feel this way." And Rei had been just plain rude. How was that supposed to help? Why couldn't she have just been in a confused daze like the rest of them? And then telling me to call her? Why would I call her when she had clearly stated what was on her mind via text? If I called her, she would probably just yell at me about what Luna had told them all.

What's next, drugs? Well, since I'd already considered those as a last resort, yes, if things got to that point. Eh, they were probably just shocked because I had done something unexpected. That's why all these stupid texts were piling up, consuming my minutes. They needed to stop. I would get in big trouble if I went over my minutes. But even so, that one text Rei had sent bothered me. I knew she was just being sarcastic, but without her knowing it, she was right. Well, may be right. It all depended on whether or not cutting and cigarettes could sustain me. If they didn't then unfortunately it would narrow my choices down to one single option. Exactly what Rei had said in her message.

This isn't funny! Again, sent by Rei. But this time it bothered me for a different reason. Why would she even say that when she knew it was for real? Did she expect me to feel any better or any more motivated by insulting me? What the heck was wrong with her? Yeah, Mina shared the same pain as I did from Rei's constant...well, whatever it was she was doing, but now that she had something bigger to complain about, I was going to have a rough few days ahead of me. So thanks, Rei.

Are you okay? Mina's texts were my favorites. Unlike Rei she actually tried to help me. The tone through her texts was kind but also mindful. Mina and the fake Serena had alot in common, but even if I wasn't fake Serena right now, she still knew how to cheer me up. In fact, her texts almost made me laugh. One reason was because she was really concerned about me, and another was because she actually thought she could contribute to Amy's and Lita's texts. If Rei had been nicer and not herself, maybe these messages would push me to stop. I doubted it but it could've worked. Once more Rei had ruined something that was supposed to be supportive. And while it was true that I needed her chiding at times, it was also true that I got sick of it when I didn't need it.

I groaned. They all meant well, including Rei, no matter how harsh and severe she could be, but it simply wasn't enough. I would do anything for Darien, so if it had been him instead of the girls, there was no doubt in my mind that I would stop everything I was doing and tell him I was fine. But no matter what, I don't think I would ever be able to tell him how hurt I had been. I doubted I could inflict the same pain he had brought to me.

Frankly, I doubted I could do anything right now.

Well you can't do anything right now. You already know how it's going to turn out.

I took a deep breath slowly let it out. My mind was right. At the rate these things were worsening, I would eventually be forced to do what I didn't want to do. Or maybe I did want to. I don't know, I'd thought about drugs and drinking until I passed out, but I wanted to wait a little longer. Hopefully things would lighten up and I would pull myself out of my rut. Hopefully, things would look up.

A/N

Yeah, this might've been a little stale, but please review anyway!