Hi there, this story takes place right after the episode the book of Esther and it also includes the deleted scene of the episode (that you can watch on youtube). I'm not sure about it, but I haven't figured out what I want to write next, so in the meantime, I just went with it. I'm also working on a new chapter on my story "hypnosis" but it's a hard one to write and I need to be in a very peculiar state of mind to write that one.. anyway, take care!
Bless you
Given the intensity with which Olivia Benson was staring at the ceiling, it almost seemed as if it contained the remedy to her insomnia. Regrets are an awful thing to live with. The restless brunette checked the time: 3.46 AM. Earlier that night, she's been the witness of Amanda's breakdown after being told she was the one who shot Esther Labott. A witness, that's exactly what she'd been: not a friend, not even a tactful boss, but a passive observer. Even after so many years of being a dedicated detective, Olivia always had a hard time understanding the set of mind of people aware something was wrong, while choosing not to get involved. Well, that night, she definitely felt like one of them. Her reason had almost convinced her that she did the right thing, that Rollins was a private person and giving her space meant more than a shoulder to lean on. She could have sided with that theory if Fin hadn't called before she went to bed.
"Thanks for checking up on her.
-Someone had to." Fin's passive aggressive way of letting Olivia know that she didn't do right by Rollins had surely been the trigger of a long and useless self-reflection. Useless because, the brunette already knew why she chose not to get emotionally involved. After hours of tossing and turning, she finally extended her arm towards her bedside table and in an automatic manner, reached for her phone to text her subordinate.
"Are you awake?" Another question that already contained the answer.
Amanda's television was of poor company. Every once in a while, she'd change channel, but nothing seemed to distract her from the haunting vision of Esther's lifeless body. After a lifetime of submission, the young girl had finally found the bravery to run away. And she ended up getting killed by the one person who promised to do everything she could to help her. Wasn't life a bitch?! Her phone buzzed and she let out a long sigh. She barely had the will to bear with the sentiment of disgust without it being interspersed with annoyance.
Fin was probably trying to make sure she was not succumbing to one of her old vices, she thought. Even though she didn't have those urges anymore, his remark from earlier still stung. All things considered, it was a miracle someone still cared about her, giving the fact she's been a mess for most of her life. With nonchalance, Amanda picked up the phone, and frowned in astonishment when she noticed Olivia was the one actually reaching out. "I'm fine Liv," she typed. Clear, straight to the point, polite, that was the best she could do. Of course, she considered not answering at all, but it would only mean more trouble later.
"But I'm not." Damn, if Olivia's reply was a trick, it was a good one. The tired blonde rubbed her eyes, unsure of how to proceed. She could just turn her phone off; after all, it was understandable that some quiet time was needed to process the tragic unfoldment of a case she's been particularly affected by. The idea of Olivia actually needing a listening ear turned out harder to ignore than she imagined though. After a few minutes, Amanda finally decided to call her boss. "What's wrong?"
With hesitance, Olivia picked up the phone. "I'm sorry to bother you Amanda, I know you have a lot on your plate right now." Olivia's multicolor palette of emotions was unquestionable, but only rarely insecurity tainted her speech.
"Olivia, what is it?" Amanda asked with a growing concern.
"Let's grab coffee before work. Please?"
Despite her sixth sense guessing this had something to do with the Labott case, Amanda didn't have the heart to refuse. Neither of them would be able to sleep anyway.
A few hours later, Olivia showed up at Amanda's place with two takeaway coffees. It was impossible to distinguish the dark ring under their eyes. Since make up made wonders,
both women's appearance were impeccable. Life sometimes seemed like an ironic competition where the less someone is authentic, the better the chances at survival. It was pretty obvious from the impassive stare Amanda was giving her boss, that she let her emotions fool her once, she wasn't about to let that happen twice. "What's bothering you?"
Despise Olivia's immense sense of guilt, she decided it was best not to push Amanda to open up for the time being. She took a sip of her still hot coffee and sat on a kitchen chair. "My old partner, Elliot, he.. shot a girl. He just never come back after that." Olivia admitted in a whispered tone, looking around her unsure of where she should settle her gaze. "Yesterday I froze because seeing you…" The brunette struggled completing her sentences, the words obviously not wanting to leave her lips. She and Amanda had grew closer but before that day, it never occurred to her that Amanda might not know how truly she was valued on her team. The brunette took a long breath, sinking deep into the blue eyes staring at her. It hurt to acknowledge she may have led her subordinate into thinking that she couldn't count on her for support. "I've never seen you so much emotionally implicated on a case. For a second, I thought, what if.." Olivia's voice broke once again.
"I'm not Elliot." Amanda stated kindly. From what she's heard about the guy, she wasn't his biggest fan. "I'll get over it. I don't plan to leave you understaffed Liv. You can count on me."
"What you feel matter though, and I'm sorry my first reaction was not indicative of how much I care for you," Olivia confirmed making sure to establish eye contact. Her need to wrap the other woman into a hug was growing every second, but Amanda's stiff body language prevented her to do so.
"Don't overthink this, really, don't feel bad for me," the blonde mumbled while rolling her eyes.
"You've dedicated your best fight for Esther. You refused to stay indifferent when your gut was telling you something was wrong. You did good Amanda. And right now, you deserve someone fighting the same way for you." Olivia meant every word but again, the other woman seemed hermetic to kindness.
"Right now, I just want some space Liv. I have a meeting with IAB. I'm sure you can understand!"
The meeting with IAB unfolded accurately to Olivia's prediction, and Amanda was cleared to go back on the job. Her intention was to just ignore any kind of feelings she may have and keep going on. Sometimes, life had other plans though: one second Amanda was lost in the drafts of her thoughts, walking back to the precinct, the next moment she stood right in front of a church in brick gothic style. Her first instinct was to pass by and ignore the rising pain inside her soul but it almost felt like the church was calling her to step in and she had no choice but to obey.
The familiar scent of rosewood instantly revived childhood memories and with them, repressed emotions resurfaced. With a sad smile, she wondered if Esther was the one sending her a sign, letting her know she was in a good place. Amanda quickly shook her head at how irrational she was being. Yet, she sat on a bench and close her eyes, feeling the need to gather herself. I killed somebody. Even thinking the words cut her breath. How could she ever be at peace with herself while carrying the injustice of the world upon her shoulders? She didn't even know what she was supposed to pray for. Forgiveness? No words came, but she stayed put anyway, almost as if she didn't had a will of her own. In the middle of silence, her cold heart felt traversed by a hot liquid, that slowly made its way through her throat, and before she could understand what was happening, hot tears were spilling down her cheeks.
Amanda lost track of time, silently crying in the back of the church until another familiar fragrance filled the air. There was no need to open her eyes, Olivia's compassionate aura was unequivocal. It didn't take long before her shaking hands felt safely wrapped by Olivia's warmth.
"I'm so sorry," Amanda finally whispered, once she was ready.
Olivia was moving her thumb up and down against Amanda's hands. "I'm sorry too," she murmured truthfully, silently promising to Esther that she would not let her friend sink.
Amanda let her head slide against Olivia's shoulder, in need of a comfort she could never deserve. Pretending that she wasn't alone, even just for a moment, might be her only salvation.