It seemed like this would turn out to be just another tedious night at the Grim Old Place. Phineas chuckled to himself, pleased by his little pun. But truly, the house was aptly named.

His great-great-grandson spent his days and most of his nights moping in the attic, all the more now that the Potter boy had returned to Hogwarts. Sirius was a disappointment in many ways, but it was useless to dwell on the matter. There was nothing Phineas could do about it; as a portrait, people rarely paid him any attention, even those who ought to respect him, even his own kin. Kids these days.

The only other person who remained awake at night was the vampire, Dolohov, though watching him was barely more entertaining than watching Sirius. Often as not, Dolohov was tinkering with some enchanted heirloom he had likely stolen from somewhere in the house, but at least he was keeping busy, unlike Sirius.

There was something fishy about Dolohov. Never in his life had Phineas heard about a bloodsucker who remained awake during the day, for one thing, and for another, Dolohov was much too youthful-looking. Phineas had warned the Order, told them to be wary of the Death Eater, but once again, his wise counselling had gone unheeded. The 'vampire' was allowed to come and go as he pleased inside the house, unchecked.

Tonight, Dolohov was fiddling with what appeared to be a plain piece of wood - or was it wandwood? - although Salazar only knew what his purpose with the object was.

Oh, this was turning out to be one of these nights indeed. Perhaps Phineas ought to take a nap, or visit his portrait at Hogwarts?

As he considered his meagre options, there was a soft knock on the door. Dolohov stood in one smooth motion and opened it wide. It was the girl, the Mudblood. In the old days, her little affair with that Macnair fellow would have been called outrageous, scandalous even. The Macnairs were one of the most ancient Pure-blood families in Great Britain; this one's ancestors must be turning in their graves. Well, his father had been an oddball chap, not unlike Arthur Weasley. This…Walden's taste for the improper must run in the family.

And the girl wasn't even from a high-standing Muggle family, oh no! She had no wealth, no proud name, no…well, no family, in fact. She had nothing; she was no one.

Such a tragic shame. The number of Pure-blood wizards and witches were dwindling dramatically as it was.

Phineas sighed, hiding inside his frame, and strained his ears toward their conversation. It would pass the time, at the very least.

Evey settled on the old couch and Tony sat down beside her. She took a deep breath. "When you said that, if I broke Walden's heart, you would tear mine out of my chest…" she began without preamble.

"I know how it sounds," Tony cut in, "but I won't take that back."

"I wouldn't expect you to," Evey assured him. "I was just wondering what had brought that on. It seems a tad…drastic, but I'm sure there's a good reason behind it."

"Look, if you want to know, V, you should ask him directly."

"Oh, come on!" she complained. "You know he won't tell me anything. He doesn't like to talk about himself. Either that, or he'll be vague about it, and I'll be making up scenarios in my head to fill in the blanks. That's even worse."

"Fine," Tony said. He couldn't refuse her anything. It was probably only a matter of time until he spilled everything he knew about the Ancients, if she kept insisting. "Walden… He just kept falling for the wrong people, you know?"

"Did he get cheated on?"

"Among other things." Would Walden be angry if he told Evey some of it? Probably. But she had to know that this was no laughing matter. Tony hadn't been around to protect his brother for fifteen years, but he was here now, and he'd be damned if he let anything happen to Walden under his watch. "His first girlfriend, Scarlet Carson, she cheated on him. We were in our last year at Hogwarts. It was around Easter, and we were studying hard for our NEWTs. It was the only holiday we ever spent at school, I think. Scarlet was a Ravenclaw, a seventh-year like us. She was the only other person besides Walden who intended to take Runes at the NEWT level, so they spent a lot of time studying together. He never said anything about her, and I only talked to her once or twice in passing. She wasn't much to look at, but Walden's not picky." Evey threw him a venomous look. "It's true," he said defensively. "I didn't mean that you weren't much to look at." On the contrary. "It's just that Walden always had the ability to see beyond that. An ability I don't possess, I'm afraid." Nor wanted to possess, but he didn't add that out loud, lest Evey chew him off. "Anyway, by the end of the holidays, they were together. Then at the graduation party – did you attend your graduation party?" he asked her, suddenly curious.

Evey shook her head. "I'm not a party girl, and I had broken up with George the day before. And Cedric Diggory had just been murdered by a resurrected Voldemort. I really wasn't in the mood," she said wryly.

"Walden didn't want to go to ours either, but Scarlet insisted. I pinched some Firewhiskey from the kitchens and things degenerated quickly after that. Long story short, Scarlet finished the night in someone else's bed, and it wasn't Walden's. It sort of destroyed him, so I tried to cheer him up. Plenty more fish and all that," he added with a bitter smile. "Little did I know that the other fish would prove to be just as bad."

"Really? That bad?"

"Uh-huh. Except for Shoshana, I guess, but that's different." Tony passed a hand through his hair. "You know that Walden became an apprentice after graduating, right?" Evey nodded. "The former Warden, old Cunningham, he was a nasty drunken piece of shit. Everyone knew it, but he still received requests for apprenticeship every year. It's a prestigious position, regardless of all the downsides. In July, Walden started out with twelve others. Most of the apprentices didn't make it through the first month, as usual, so in August it was only Walden and this girl, Shoshana, and for the first time in his life he actually talked to me about a girl, without being prompted, so I was curious, as you can imagine. I met her once during the summer, albeit briefly. Cunningham worked them both hard. She was cute and funny and I was surprised at how comfortable Walden was around her. I never found out whether or not they were dating, though. She died two weeks later. Burned alive by a Common Welsh Green. Walden never mentioned her again."

"Merlin," Evey whispered. She had paled visibly. "That's horrible."

"Yeah. Wal didn't stay an apprentice for very long. Cunningham quickly realised that he had finally found the rare gem to replace him. He retired six months later. Walden is the youngest Warden Scotland has ever known. He is good, admittedly." He paused to look Evey in the eyes. "And at least now you know why he refuses to take apprentices."

"We'll see about that," she muttered stubbornly. "And after that?" she prompted him.

"After that he worked himself to near exhaustion every single day for two years, while I finished my studies. We rarely saw each other. I really don't think he dated anyone during that time. The next girl was just after his family name. She was from a mixed-blood family, but her mother had great plans for her. She wanted the Macnair name, the wealth, the status. Of course, she never said so plainly. When Walden found out that her mother had set them up for that specific purpose, he saw red. Felt manipulated, I guess. The girl wasn't so bad, and I suppose they could have had something, but he can't abide dishonesty."

"Did he have some sort of trouble magnet?" Evey asked with a small smile.

"He still does, apparently," Tony replied teasingly.

"Fair enough. I had it coming. And then?"

Tony's face took on a grim expression. "Soon afterward I joined Voldemort, and Walden followed. For a while everything was fine, but as you know we ended up being detained at the headquarters. No girlfriend there for either of us, of course. Bellatrix is far from hideous, but even I knew better than to flirt with her." Gibbon had tried that, once. It hadn't ended well for him. At least he would never have children; that was probably a blessing for the world. "Then I was arrested."

"You were both arrested," Evey corrected him. "But you told the court that Walden was under your influence the entire time."

Tony scowled at her. No one was supposed to know that. Then again, Walden had no reason not to trust Evey, even with something as important as that. "As you say," he said dismissively. "Now, regarding Walden's numerous conquests after I was imprisoned, I had to use every ounce of charm in my possession to pry it out of him, after we were reunited."

Evey snorted. "Charm? I didn't know that worked on Walden."

"Nah, it really doesn't. I got him drunk," Tony admitted with a falsely sheepish smile. "There was a girl who tried to scam him, then another who was after the Macnair wealth. It was my mum who unmasked her, apparently. She thought the lass was fishy, and it turned out that her family had gone bankrupt recently." He paused, idly fiddling with the piece of sycamore wandwood he'd been trying to enchant earlier. "Mm… Let's see. Oh, yes. The Voldemort worshipper."

Evey's eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"I swear. Walden found out later that she'd already dated several former – presumed – Death Eaters. She was one crazy bitch, as I understand. Not sure how he didn't spot it right away."

"Wow. No wonder he was so conflicted about dating me, at first. He must have severe trust issues." She held back a yawn. "Is that it? Only a handful of girlfriends in…what, twenty years?"

"Believe me, I'm more disappointed than anyone else about it. Before they took me to Azkaban, I told him to live his life as I would, but I guess he didn't understand that part." He frowned suddenly. "Wait, there was another one, actually, just a few years ago. Amandine, or something Frenchy like that. She works as a vet for magical creatures, so they were bound to spend a lot of time together after the old vet retired. It was casual, as far as I can make out, but Walden and casual are just not meant to be in the same sentence. He was shocked when he saw that she'd sprouted an engagement ring, even more so when she told him that they could still sleep together until the wedding." Tony sighed. "He's so adorably innocent. After everything that happened with his previous conquests, you'd think he'd be less naïve. Now he's just better at avoiding people, I guess. When he told me about this, he drunkenly swore that he would never date anyone ever again," he added with a smirk.

"What about you?" Evey enquired.

"Me?" he repeated. "What about me?"

"You must have had at least one girlfriend before going to prison," she said with an amused smile.

At least one? Tony snorted. "Obviously. I didn't keep count, though," he replied with a mischievous grin. "And I don't really remember one in particular," he added with a shrug. That was the simple truth. None of the girls he'd dated stood out in his memory. 'Girlfriends' was probably not the right term for them in any case.

There was another knock on the door. "Yeah, it's alright, we're decent," Tony called out. Evey chuckled softly.

Walden walked in, looking half-asleep. "What's going on?" He frowned at Evey. "Something wrong?"

"I couldn't sleep," she explained. "Too much on my mind."

"Were you talking about me?" his brother demanded.

"Nah, I was just telling V about our adventures in the Forbidden Forest, back when we were at Hogwarts," Tony lied.

Evey shook her head. "I'd certainly love to hear about that sometime, but we were actually discussing your previous relationships," she told Walden earnestly. Merlin have mercy! They were both frighteningly honest with each other. What sort of relationship was that? "I'm sorry, but when Tony said that he would murder me if I broke your heart, I got curious," she added timidly.

Walden rounded on Tony. "You said what?"

"Oi, don't put words in my mouth! I never said that," he assured Walden. Well, he hadn't phrased it like that. He cleared his throat. "Wal, I know that V is nothing like the tramps you used to date. It was just a fair warning."

Walden was silent for a moment. At length he turned to Evey. "I promise you, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me," he murmured. "By a long shot."

"Likewise," Evey replied delightedly.

Ugh. Did they have to be so nauseatingly adorable when Tony was around?

Walden yawned, without bothering to cover his mouth. "Now, if your cat-like curiosity has been satisfied, lass, can we go back to bed?"

Phineas let out a startled half-snore when Dolohov dropped the enchanted piece of wood and it fell on the table with a flat noise. Blimey, he was just as clumsy as Nymphadora.

Phineas had drowsed through most of the conversation, apparently, but if it had been as interesting as the first few sentences he'd caught, he hadn't missed much that was worthy of his attention.

He noted that the vampire now looked as glum as Sirius. "You oughtn't feel sorry for yourself," he said reasonably. "The girl is not worth the trouble."

The leech started, then glared at Phineas. "How long have you been there, you sneaky bastard?"

Such language! It was a disgrace, but what else could Phineas expect from a Half-blood vampire? "I'm merely saying, the girl is-"

"Don't talk about her. Besides, I have no idea what you're implying. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm happy for them."

"Denial is not just a river in Egypt," Phineas muttered. Dolohov's eyes narrowed. "Oh, very well. It's none of my business, I suppose."

"It sure as hell isn't. Don't you have another portrait to visit, other people to torment?"

Phineas sniffed haughtily. "Young man, I'll have you know that this house-"

"...belongs to Sirius, and Sirius hates you. Leave me alone, dead man."

"Now that's the pot calling the kettle black," he grumbled, but Dolohov didn't grace him with a rude comment, this time. He had returned his attention to his mysterious enchanting.

Oh well. Phineas might as well take a nap now - preferably in another portrait. There would be no more entertainment tonight.