Chapter 63 – A safe heaven

"How was your first time leaving the castle after we talked?" Madame Pomfrey asked and smiled reassuringly at Hermione. Encouraging the younger witch had been easy, once her mind was made up, but the healer wanted to know how she had fared. After Hermione had cried most of their first meeting, the second one had been just as sad. They had spent hours talking about Hermione's world, her past and what had happened since she came here in greater detail. To get it all out had been hard to endure, but a good step into a new direction, where Hermione started to feel at ease and at home.

"I had to talk myself into meeting up with Ginny and Harry. I nearly turned back more than once. But I did what you told me and decided the worst that could happen is shutting them out any longer. It was hard to walk around the street openly and not hex someone whenever there was a loud noise. I noticed myself jumping a few times, but I had no panic attack. So it went well?" The last came out more of a question than a statement. Hermione bit her lip nervously, while she remembered the afternoon.

"I think that admitting you're afraid, and trying to work through it, rather than hiding from it is very brave. What you have been through was a big loss. You feel it now, don't you?"

She nodded. The hallow feeling in her chest had not vanished for days, but she had stopped ignoring it. She had cried herself to sleep and finally had some nights without nightmares. The strange dream from last night didn't count as one, as she had slept through the night and beside feeling cold no other negative emotions lingered after waking up.

Madame Pomfrey carried on with a serious face.

"Good. Remember, that when you have accepted your past losses, allow yourself to grieve. Feel your emotions, Hermione, but don't drown in them. Feeling negative emotions is therapeutic, but keep in mind that you are not the sum of those feelings. Don't let them overwhelm you. You are not helpless, you don't need to fear your past. You know that you will be content again. Not today, maybe not tomorrow or next week. Just remember that you are more than what you feel and carry on like you promised yourself. There are people here to help you, you just need to ask or show us."

Hermione nodded in agreement, biting her lower lip. She liked to think she had all the answers, or knew where to get them, but it was only a coping mechanism. One she knew she had to overcome to open up and ask for help. Hadn't it be for Headmistress McGonagall's insistence that she saw Madame Pomfrey, she would still be trapped in her own thoughts, without anyone to talk it over, hiding from the outside. Hermione reached for her pendant and gripped it. To feel it in her hand grounded her. The picture inside was her proof that what she had undergone was real and feeling it in her hand made her feel safe. When she felt lost or heard loud noises it helped her to overcome her panic. It helped her heal.

"Some days I hate myself. The reasons change so much I can feel myself spinning. Mostly it's my own weakness, but sometimes it's for leaving her behind. Other times it's for helping Scorpius and messing my life up, or for feeling grateful for this peaceful world. I know what's done is done, but it's hard to come to terms with. I feel guilt."

But, her guilt didn't mean that she couldn't progress at the same time, and her regrets didn't mean that she had to live her life alone. This conclusion she had reached with Madame Pomfrey's help made it able for her to breathe more freely.

" 'Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.' It was in one of the books I read recently. There are many books about mourning. The different stages, ways to cope and more. I want to win against this hollow feelings of loss."

There was a sincere smile on the old matron's face now.

"Most take much longer than you Miss Granger to reach this point."

"I still have a lot to make up for." Interjected and looked away from the table they were sitting at, focusing on the shelf with book at the far end of the room.

"Don't push yourself to hard. You have time. Give your feelings time to settle down. Take it day by day, step by step."

Hermione knew Madame Pomfrey had become her safe heaven, never judging nor patronising, just listening to her. Her unexpected but much-needed anchor, always with an advise up her sleeve.

XxX

What was he supposed to do with this present?

Hugo had read up everything about the charm his mother had used on the book in front of him, and knew how it would work. It was a complex spell work and he was eager to try it out, but drew short with what to write.

The woman that had taken his mother's place was an enigma and he wanted to trust her, but he didn't want her to withdraw like she had before.

After having his mother as his fix point his whole life he was out of his comfort zone far further than he had ever anticipated. Coming to Hogwarts and loosing his confidant at the same time wasn't what he had bargained for.

"Hi!"

Hugo jumped up from his chair in the Ravenclaw Common Room with a fright and slammed the book shut. Right next to him was Elle, one of his classmates, who looked at him with big eyes.

"Uhmm, sorry. I just thought... you know. You are doing homework right?"

"No I am done." Hugo answered and pressed his book against his chest, gathering all his stuff that had been neatly organised on the table until he had jumped up.

"You can have the table. Sorry." Hugo grabbed his bag and dumped everything in, in a hurry to get away. He was already halfway up the stairs, but he could still hear the others snicker about him. Blinking away his tears of anger he vanished into his dorm.

"Uhmm –" Elle stood rooted to the spot he had left her and blinked, unsure what just happened.

"Oh, cool. A table near the fire. Thanks Elle!" Sebastian grinned and dropped into the chair Hugo had just vacated. Kylie and Amalia followed him and sat down.

"You saw how fast he ran? Even faster than he answers in class." Amalia laughed and shook her head.

"That's not nice, Am. I just wanted to ask if we could join him. " Elle interrupted her friends. Her face was red in shame and her hands sweaty. She wasn't one to talk up, but they were all classmates and she didn't understand why they were so mean.

"It's not our problem if he isolates himself. If he thinks he is better than us, just because his mother was the Minister until lately, it serves him well that she had a mental breakdown or something. Now there is homework to finish. Look at all the books I got from the library." Sebastian said and his eyes shone when he dropped a stack of three books on the table.

"I went right after class today, when we got the assignment, to make sure we have the best."

Lost in her own thoughts Elle sat down and started their assignment, having trouble focusing on the paper in front of her. She felt awful for the way her friends behaved and even worse because she was the reason Hugo had run away.

XxX

Hermione had hoped her son would use the book she had given him, but even a week after handing it over, there was nothing.

Her visit with Harry and Ginny had ended so well and she had hoped that Hugo would be the next person to spend time with. But there was nothing, not even a single word on the first page or any other. She had opened the book every evening, and even leafed through, to make sure.

Then there was Rose. Her daughter was a mix of her and Ron in many ways, but her own stubbornness, paired with Ron's ability to bear grudges made her hard to get close to.

She all but ignored Hermione, whenever she tried to get close to her, and went out of her way to show her mother just how much she loathed her at the moment.

Hermione's letter to inquire about Christmas came back unopened. The second one with a plea to hear her out, had a howler attached. Just three words, but Hermione could hear the tears behind the words. "Leave me alone!" The howler had told her and then vanished.

Intercepting her daughter was even harder. She was never alone and made sure to turn the other way whenever she saw her mother. The one time she had gotten to her, Rose had glared at her and yanked her arm from Hermione's grip to turn away and continue walking.

Apparently there was only one person that wanted to see her, and Hermione looked at the letter with unease. She wanted more time to prepare herself mentally, but days later she still felt hesitant, if it was the right choice to go. Now it was too late to cancel and there was nothing left to do, except to get dressed.