After the dinner party trainwreck, Kurt resigned himself from planning any more meals with his roommates. He slept horribly that night, but the next morning Blaine and Rachel apologized profusely and made him his favorite breakfast, even though he was still upset. Kurt tried to brush it off as being fine, but it still would have been nice to see Blaine or Rachel put forth some effort, too, not just make him some crepes to appease him.
A few nights later, Kurt laid in bed alone as usual while Blaine and Rachel stayed up working, studying, and rehearsing. As usual. Kurt's head had been throbbing all night, and Rachel's particularly shrill voice wasn't helping.
He rubbed his eyes, exhausted but unable to sleep, and checked his phone. Finn had texted him earlier in the day, but Kurt realized he forgot to respond. He pulled on a heavy hoodie and climbed out into the fire escape, figuring it wasn't too late just to call him.
"Hey, dude," Finn answered. "Uh, it's kinda late up there. What's up?"
"Nothing," Kurt said, his teeth chattering slightly from the chilly late-October air. "I forgot to reply to you, and this was easier. How's the shop going with my dad?"
Finn laughed on the other line. They had heard all about his short stint in the army, and now he was back in Lima working at Hummel Tires for the time being. Rachel had initially been upset and wanted Finn to move in with them, but Kurt knew he loved Lima deep down and was content for the time being.
"It's… it's great. I didn't realize how hard your dad worked till I joined him. How're you and Blaine?"
Kurt's heart sank, just a little bit. He didn't want to lie to Finn, but he didn't want to sound like a downer.
"I don't know," Kurt sighed. That was the truth. "We're just in really different places right now. He and Rachel have to stay up late every night to be ready for class, and I have to go to bed early for work. We hardly ever have quality time where he isn't distracted by a deadline or something. We hardly have quality time, period. I guess I'm just reminiscing too much on the way things were last year. Together every day and the only stress was what we would sing for Sectionals."
"Yeah," Finn agreed, sounding more serious. "It's weird having dinner with my mom and Burt every night and you aren't there. I miss Rachel bugging me cause I didn't compliment her solo or something. She called me the other night, said you were trying to have a movie night and that they forgot about it. She felt awful, and I know Blaine did, too."
Kurt sat up more, a little surprised. He wasn't aware their guilt had run deep enough to tell Finn.
"It was fine," Kurt lied, choking up without warning. "I'm just lonely, I guess. Everyone at Vogue is so much older and wiser. I'm just the little intern. I wanted to go to NYADA with them, Finn. I should be out there with them working on Winter Showcase. I'm sorry, I don't mean to dump this all on you. I just… miss Lima."
Kurt muted the phone while he wiped at his runny nose, which he wasn't sure was attributed to crying or the frigid temperature.
Finn paused for a moment before speaking. "I know, dude. Hey, your first audition was great though, and the next one will be even better. And no one else can brag about working at Vogue when they were still a teenager. Hang in there, little brother. Blaine and Rachel are stressed out a lot, but they love you so much, too. Don't write that off. They know you're always there for them."
Kurt smiled a real, genuine smile. "Thanks, Finn. I'll call you… this weekend or something. You can put me on speaker at home and we'll all talk."
They said their goodnights, and Kurt climbed back inside, his fingers slightly numb from being exposed. His headache felt a little worse after crying a bit, but his heart felt better, and Kurt slept better than he had in weeks.
Halloween came and went in the city, and stress levels in the loft rose quickly as Winter Showcase approached, scheduled for the first week in November. Kurt tried to take Finn's words to heart and support them as best he could, even though he was quickly overwhelmed with deadlines for work and perfecting his audition for NYADA.
Blaine and Rachel started staying at school later and later for rehearsals. Kurt was always fine with a little alone time, but he tried his best to keep the apartment in top shape, and always felt like he needed to be doing something. He tried to tell himself it would get better after the show.
When the night finally came, Kurt got ready and headed out alone. Blaine and Rachel were already at NYADA to warm up and get backstage. Kurt had felt lonely before, but attending a performance by himself just made him feel like a Lima Loser posing as a New Yorker.
Regardless, Kurt slipped in and took a seat. He flipped through the program idly and texted Blaine and Rachel to break a leg. The auditorium quickly filled with unfamiliar faces, and Kurt wished it would just start already.
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" It was a woman's voice, and Kurt shrugged and looked up at her.
"No, go ahead-" he paused, his mouth agape. "Isabelle? What- yes, you can sit here. But why are you here?"
She sat down and patted Kurt's leg affectionately. "You said today that you were coming alone. No one should attend their first performance in New York alone. Besides, I wanted to see who this Blaine is for myself."
Kurt sighed in relief. Having someone to sit through the show with made him feel a hundred times better. He thanked her profusely and still couldn't believe his mind as the show began.
The performances were awe-inspiring at the very least. There were times Kurt couldn't believe what he was hearing, and he got to see some of the true talent at NYADA outside of Rachel and Blaine. Part of it made Kurt question his own musical abilities, but he still knew he had a better range than most of the male singers.
Blaine and Rachel were some of the last to go on since they were freshmen. Blaine sang in a trio, and Kurt excitedly pointed him out to Isabelle.
"You did good with that one," she whispered playfully.
Kurt loved the performance, but the jealousy he had done such a good job at suppressing came popping back up. That should be you. Kurt hated thinking that way, but at the same time he was convinced it was the truth, and it hurt like hell.
Rachel was last, and, of course, she had a solo. Kurt had heard it a million times: in the shower, in the living room, every waking moment Rachel had in the apartment she had been rehearsing "Being Good Isn't Good Enough."
Still, she was fantastic.
The show ended, and Kurt and Isabelle filed out to the lobby to find Blaine. It was crowded, but he couldn't pass up the opportunity to introduce them.
"Blaine!" Kurt called when he saw his boyfriend from a distance. He waved frantically, and Blaine pushed his way over to them.
"Look who showed up!" Kurt said. Part of him still couldn't believe it. He had no doubt the show would have felt worse if he had to go it alone. "This is Isabelle from the office. And this is Blaine, the boyfriend."
They shook hands. "Nice to meet you, Blaine the boyfriend," she joked. "Kurt, it was an honor. Blaine, lovely to meet you. I should probably go since I have a conference call with London at five tomorrow before we head into the office. See you, Kurt."
Kurt told his boss goodbye and thanked her again. The lobby slowly cleared out, which made it easier to hear and move around.
"Hey, I think the freshmen are gonna go get dessert," Blaine said after Kurt hugged him. "Rachel's coming, do you want to join? You can meet all our friends."
Kurt looked at his watch. A quarter till ten. He had to get up early for work, but he also didn't want to accuse Blaine of being distant when he didn't put in effort himself.
"Yeah," Kurt agreed. A little ice cream and one late night wouldn't hurt him. If he was going to school in the spring he probably needed to adjust his sleep schedule anyways.
They headed out twenty minutes later. Blaine, Rachel, Kurt, and half a dozen other NYADA freshmen who had been selected to perform in the showcase. They wound up at a 24/7 ice cream shop, the kind that usually only appealed to tourists and drunk partiers.
Kurt didn't want anything, but Blaine talked him into sharing a shake. The ten of them sat at a long table, and somehow Kurt wound up at the end. He tried to make conversation with Blaine, but his boyfriend was preoccupied, exchanging inside jokes and talking about upcoming projects with the others. It didn't help that Rachel was at the opposite end of the table, either.
But, he tried to grin and bear it. Somehow ten o'clock turned into eleven o'clock, and Kurt was getting anxious and sleepy. He didn't want to be tired and sluggish at work the next day when Isabelle had just done him a huge favor.
"Babe," Kurt said, finally catching his boyfriend when he wasn't talking. "I really gotta go to bed for work. I think I'll head back."
He didn't expect Blaine to offer to go home with him, but he surprisingly did. Kurt said goodbye to all the strangers he hadn't really gotten to talk to, and Rachel joined them for the train ride back to Bushwick.
Another week went by. Kurt expected things to die down a little after the showcase, but he realized quickly that was wishful thinking. Instead of just feeling distant from Blaine, they began to fight more, over every little thing. Kurt thought being alone was exhausting, but arguing with someone like Blaine was even worse.
Kurt wasn't really even sure what spurred it on, but it was painful. He went to work every morning grateful for the escape from the apartment, and from Blaine if he was being perfectly honest.
It was a Wednesday night when their biggest fight happened. Kurt was doing the dishes. Blaine and Rachel had pushed the couch out of the way and were rehearsing for their dance class. Kurt had become a master at staying out of the way while they were studying or rehearsing, but he was already irritated.
His NYADA audition was three weeks away and he never had the space to practice. Blaine hadn't even asked him about it in close to a month. Kurt would never admit it, but he was so stressed and just wanted his boyfriend to care.
He tried to do the dishes quietly, since noise echoed in the loft and he still wanted to be considerate of his roommates, but Kurt could tell Blaine was fed up too.
"Kurt, just leave them," his boyfriend said in frustration, pausing the music. "I'll do them later tonight. We've got to get this routine down and I can't focus when you're over there banging plates together."
Kurt bit his lip to keep from saying something hurtful. He turned around, hands on his hips. "Is there anything you would like me to do, or is staying out of your way the only thing you can come up with?"
He crossed his arms, feeling the anger rising in his chest. Blaine was completely unreasonable. Kurt always kept the apartment in tip top shape and no one ever thanked him or pitched in. He made dinner at least five nights of the week for the three of them, and almost always was the one to buy the groceries. It had gone on for months with no end in sight. Just because he wasn't in school didn't make him the caretaker of the three of them.
"Can we please not do this right now?" Blaine asked. He was out of breath from practicing. As soon as Rachel heard the argument pick up, she retreated back to her bed and rolled her eyes, well accustomed to it.
"We don't expect you to do any of the stuff you do," Blaine went on. "You offer to cook, you offer to clean when we aren't here. So don't act so helpless like I'm trying to shoo you away or something. That's bullshit, Kurt, and you know it."
Kurt looked away and took a breath. They did this almost every night now to some degree. Not talking was much better.
"How would you feel, Blaine, coming home alone every day, going to bed by yourself every night? It's not even like you're my boyfriend anymore, it's like we're roommates who share a bed. I have to tiptoe around you and Rachel every night so I'm not in your way, so I don't distract you, so I don't mess you up on whatever you're working on. If it's too much for you to even acknowledge me once in a while, maybe one of us should move out."
Kurt hadn't planned on saying that. In fact, he couldn't believe he actually did. He had thought about it only once or twice before. If one of them moved out, it might be the saving grace for their relationship. Or it would ruin it.
"Oh, so now you don't even want to attempt to make things work," Blaine spat at him. "Why don't you get it? This isn't high school anymore, Kurt. We're not in glee club, we have actual lives, and in real life we're going to be busy. If you can't handle that, then don't audition for NYADA."
The words hit Kurt right in the heart. He had spent so long agonizing over his audition and being more nervous than he could express. For his own boyfriend to say something like that… he couldn't handle it anymore.
"Maybe I won't," Kurt said bitterly, looking Blaine in the eye even though he already had tears pooling. Kurt dropped the dish rag he had been holding and retreated, the tears finally falling when no one was around.
When had everything gone so wrong between him and Blaine? It felt like they were always angry at each other. The loft was feeling more and more like a prison, but Kurt wasn't sure if he wanted to escape or not. What if he and Blaine broke up? Whose side would Rachel take? Who would move out?
Kurt hated thinking like that. He heard Blaine and Rachel talking, and the music started back up.
That night and the following day were miserable. So much so that Kurt even found himself getting distracted at work, which was usually his escape from everything at home. It took two days for him and Blaine to apologize to each other, but after that, Kurt was more worried about his relationship than anything.
He really tried to work at it. The last month had been less than ideal, but Kurt never wanted to break up with Blaine just because things became hard. They went on a real date in the city, something they hadn't done since before school had started and Kurt got his job. It took effort from them both, but it was a nice night away from fighting or being stressed out.
Kurt knew it was too good to be true, though. Sure enough, Blaine had some big exams the next week, and Kurt's audition date for NYADA slowly crept closer. The loft became more tense, Kurt continued to feel isolated, and his boyfriend seemingly forgot he existed anymore.
Thanksgiving came and went. Kurt wanted nothing more than to go back to Lima, which he never thought he would say once he moved to New York. He got to talk to his family, but other than that the day was nothing special. Kurt cooked a small Thanksgiving meal, but had no expectations that the three of them would sit down and eat.
After that, it felt like crunch time. Blaine and Rachel had final exams approaching, and Kurt's NYADA audition was the same week. He had picked the song ("Being Alive" by Stephen Sondheim), but needed to perfect every note and every detail, something he couldn't easily do with his boyfriend and best friend turning the loft into study hall and a practice room every night.
It just felt like everything was wrapping up. Kurt promised Isabelle he would never quit at Vogue no matter if he got in or not, but there was a lot to wrap up at work before the end of the year, and before he, Blaine, and Rachel headed home to Lima for ten days for Christmas and New Years Eve.
A week before his audition, Kurt knew he needed to be rehearsing every chance he got. He knew Blaine and Rachel were stressed out too, but at least they were already accepted into school. Kurt had more pressure on him than the other two combined.
So, he decided just to go for it. He needed to practice and Rachel and Blaine were going to have to accept that. They hadn't even heard his song yet, come to think of it. What if they didn't like it and he needed to pick a new one? If the two people he trusted the most weren't approving, Kurt wasn't sure what he would do.
"Okay," he said, strutting into the living room with his speaker. "I need your opinion." It was a Thursday night, and Rachel was still at NYADA rehearsing with a group, which gave Kurt the perfect time to get Blaine's feedback, and possibly spend a little one-on-one time together.
"Is it another outfit?" Blaine asked, looking up from his music history book. "I already told you what I think you should-"
"No, not an outfit," Kurt interrupted. "I haven't sung my audition song in front of anyone and I want to hear what you think. I've got to nail it."
Blaine sighed. Kurt could tell he was stressed out, and he felt a small stab of guilt. He didn't think he was being annoying though, and it would take less than five minutes.
"Just a second," Blaine said. "I only have two pages left to read, then you can do it. This test is tomorrow, Kurt, I just… don't have time to do all this."
Kurt frowned. He was about to just tell Blaine to forget it, but he couldn't be rejected from NYADA a second time because he didn't rehearse enough.
He offered to make his boyfriend some coffee and went into the kitchen. Kurt didn't want to admit it, but he was going to be very grateful when Blaine was out of school for a month and they could act like a couple again. Sure, their date a while back had been nice, but it was the first time they had really connected in a long time.
Kurt knew how to make Blaine's coffee the way he liked it, but as he reached for his favorite mug from the cabinet, it slipped from his fingers and shattered, the white ceramic pieces spilling across the floor.
"Kurt!" Blaine screamed, slamming the book shut. Kurt whipped around, thinking Blaine was worried about the broken dish, but no. He was angry, and Kurt knew instantly he had triggered it.
"I'm sorry," Kurt apologized, not entirely sure what Blaine was mad about. "I have shoes on, I'll clean it-"
"It's not that," Blaine said, his face in his hands. "I don't want coffee, I don't have time to listen to your song tonight. Please, just be quiet until tomorrow so I can study this."
Kurt felt the lump in his throat form and the tears pool in his eyes. He ignored Blaine and bent down to pick up the broken mug, a few silent tears falling before he stormed away angrily, changing into pajamas even though it was barely nine o'clock.
If peace and quiet was what Blaine wanted, that was fine. Kurt would give it to him. Every attempt he made with Blaine resulted in a fight, and it was blowing up in Kurt's face. What if they did wind up breaking up? Kurt couldn't imagine that but he also didn't want to make a life with someone who yelled at him for accidentally breaking a dish.
Kurt was conflicted. He wanted to go outside and call Finn, his dad, anyone, but it was far too cold in the city by that point. He went to bed alone again for what felt like the millionth time. Kurt wasn't happy. The only thing that made him happy was Vogue. NYADA made him anxious. Blaine made him angry. Being alone all the time made him, well, lonely.
It felt just like the night Blaine and Rachel blew off Kurt's attempts for a fun night in. He laid down and forced himself to pretend to sleep in case Blaine came back, but Kurt knew that was unlikely. How could something he had dreamed about for so long turn out to be so miserable?
He cried a little more, pressing his face in his pillow so Blaine couldn't hear. His eyes finally felt heavy and Kurt fell asleep, dreading the moment when he would have to wake up.
Author's Notes:
Here is the long awaited second part! I took a small break since I'm still trying to wrap up online classes but things have died down for now. Let me know what you think! Much more angst is coming in the next half of the story (we're also switching to Blaine's point of view for parts three and four, which will be a nice change since he's been a huge jerk up until now and Kurt is a little dramatic).
Part five will be a short epilogue but after that I don't have much planned, so leave any prompts you'd like to see in a comment. Once I "graduate" college in a few weeks I'll have more time on my hands and definitely want to keep this story alive. And hopefully our lives go back to normal soon, too. Happy reading!