The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is gone. Just more madness from my tiny little brain.
Time Waits For No Tunt
"Ah breakfast," Cyril said as he sat down at the breakfast table with Ray, Pam and Krieger. "The most important meal of the day."
"Followed by the most important drink of the day," Ray said as he poured some scotch into his coffee.
"You're having scotch in your coffee?" Cyril asked.
"Want some?" Ray offered.
"I thought you'd never ask," Cyril took it and poured it into his cup.
"Oh, head's up," Pam warned. "I heard Cheryl rummaging around her big ass closet this morning. You know what that means."
"I don't actually," Krieger blinked. "Sorry."
"And you've been with us how long?" Ray asked him.
"You know Cheryl," Pam sighed. "Every now and then her brain shorts out and she thinks she's someone else."
"Then she goes on a little adventure," Ray added. "Until she remembers who she is. And forgets who she was. All we can do is go along for the ride and try to not let her get killed."
"Because we're her friends," Pam said.
"That and the fact that she's paying our bills," Ray pointed. "And not just for work. I mean we've been literally using her credit card and spare cash she has lying around to buy stuff."
"Free room and board over the years ring a bell?" Krieger added.
"Good point," Pam nodded. "What do you think she is this time?"
"Let's count down the list," Cyril counted on his fingers. "She was a country music singer slash first lady of San Marcos. A fictional cartoon character in a TV show. A fictional character from a video game. A werewolf. A jockey. A fashion mogul. A princess."
"Queen of Mars," Ray added.
"Last week she thought she was a freaking unicorn," Pam groaned.
"To be fair," Krieger told her. "She ate a lot of groovy bears and sniffed a lot of glue that day. And I think she got into my LSD breath strips again."
"You need to stop making those," Ray looked at him.
"She also pretended to be a secretary," Pam quipped. "God knows she wasn't a real one."
"So, it stands to reason that the next logical persona would be…" Cyril mused. "Space pirate?"
"Eh," Ray shrugged.
"Yeah that sounds about right," Pam sighed as the same time.
"Yup," Krieger said at the same time.
"Good morning!" Cheryl walked into the room. She was dressed with her hair up in a neat bun wearing a sensible but expensive blue power suit with expensive shoes. She was carrying a briefcase. "Another day, another dollar. Am I right?"
"This is new," Krieger blinked.
"Cheryl?" Ray asked. "Honey? Who are you today? Lawyer Barbie?"
"She wishes she was me," Cheryl waved. "Guys I'm going into work."
"As…?" Pam asked cautiously.
"The head of Tunt Incorporated?" Cheryl gave her a look. "Maybe you've heard of it? You guys really need to cut down on the scotch in your coffee."
"Do you want some?" Pam asked.
"Sorry Pam," Cheryl went and grabbed herself some toast. "No time today. Just regular coffee and a bite of toast. And a sensible piece of fruit." She ate some toast and grabbed an apple as she moved about the kitchen.
"You're actually eating food?" Cyril was stunned.
"You're not getting loaded?" Pam gasped.
"I'm too busy to get loaded today," Cheryl said as she ate. "I have a lot of work ahead of me and it's going to be a long day. Plus, I have an early business luncheon with some people for a merger. It's about property acquisitions and zoning contracts. You'd find that boring."
"I wouldn't," Cyril said.
"Shocker," Ray drawled.
"You know…?" Cyril glared at him.
"Hang on," Pam realized. "You're actually going to work at your own company today?"
"I'm the CEO and owner of a major corporation," Cheryl said. "As much fun as it was playing assistant and dicking around with you guys, it's time I took charge and went back to work. I mean I don't want to end up like my lay about brother Cecil and lose everything."
"Wow," Cyril blinked. "Cheryl that's actually…"
"Sane," Ray filled in the blanks.
"Yeah that's the word I was looking for," Cyril nodded.
"Okay guys," Cheryl said. "I know I've been a little crazy these past few years."
"Understatement of the century," Krieger said under his breath.
Cheryl went on. "But I think it's time I faced reality and grew up. I do appreciate all you've done for me. Even Lana in her own nagging way has helped. I really appreciate the five of you standing by me all these years."
"What about Archer?" Pam asked.
"Who?" Cheryl looked confused.
"Sterling Archer?" Pam was stunned. "The man you've had sex with on and off for years?"
"You'll have to be more specific," Cheryl remarked.
"Are you kidding me?" Pam shouted. "Has the glue finally destroyed the last brain cell you have? Sterling Mallory Archer? Ms. Archer's son? You were madly in love with him!"
"I was?" Cheryl blinked.
"YES!" Pam shouted.
"So much for reality," Ray groaned.
"There it is," Cyril sighed.
"Should have known it was too good to be true," Krieger agreed.
"I'm sorry," Cheryl said. "Who is this Archer guy?"
"You've only known the man for over a decade," Ray said acidly. "Not enough time for you to remember?"
"Uh…" Cheryl frowned, trying to think.
"Ms. Archer's son," Pam was frustrated. "You slept with him when we worked at a spy agency. And then you slept with Cyril to get back at Archer to make him love you again."
"That was my plan?" Cheryl blinked. "How would sleeping with Cyril get this Archer guy to fall in love with me?"
"We couldn't figure that part out either," Krieger told her.
"I mean I would get it if it was just to piss off Lana," Cheryl said.
"That was a perk," Pam told her.
"And Cyril's dick is practically a tripod," Cheryl added. "Yeah. Those reasons are valid. But to sleep with him to get this Archer guy to fall back in love with me? Seriously?"
"You honestly don't remember Archer?" Pam gasped.
"Well it has been a while since I saw him," Cheryl admitted. "Which one was he again?"
"Six foot two, eyes of blue?" Pam asked. "Black hair. Played with guns and Babou?"
"Had cancer?" Krieger added. "Tinnitus and chronic alcoholism?"
"Used his dick all the time?" Ray asked. "And was a dick to everyone he met?"
"Uhh…." Cheryl blinked.
"Said Danger Zone all the time?" Cyril added. "Obsessed with black turtlenecks which he called tactile necks and fast cars?"
"And faster women," Ray added.
"Oh right!" Cheryl realized. "Now I remember. That guy. Whatever happened to him?"
"He's in a coma," Pam told her.
Cheryl was confused. "Still?"
"Yes!" Pam snapped.
"He's kind of milking it isn't he?" Cheryl asked.
"That is the general opinion going around," Cyril admitted.
"Well I'm sorry," Cheryl shrugged. "I just don't have time to worry about some guy I slept with who probably wasn't even into me in the first place. If he wants to waste his life in a coma, that's his problem. Not mine."
"Where are you living? Antarctica?" Pam gasped. "Because that's just freaking cold!"
"Pam, life goes on," Cyril pointed out.
"More accurately," Ray remarked. "Our lives can go on."
"Exactly," Cheryl nodded. "Well I have to go. As my great grandfather once said, time waits for no Tunt! Especially if he's running a railroad. Bye!" She got her briefcase and left the room.
"Can you believe that?" Pam was upset. "She completely forgot about Archer!"
"Pam," Ray looked at her. "This woman has literally forgotten a year of her life."
"And sometimes her own name," Krieger added.
"This can't be that much of a shock," Ray finished.
"I guess," Pam sighed. "It's just…For her to forget about Archer so entirely like that. I don't know. It seems kind callous. Even for her. Aren't you shocked?"
"Are you kidding?" Cyril looked at Pam. "I wish I could forget Archer like that! If anything, I'm envious!"
"Me too," Ray admitted.
"I really need to get some new friends," Pam sighed.
Later that day at the agency…
"Can you believe Cheryl forgot about Archer?" Pam asked Lana in the bullpen.
"I'm more surprised Cheryl passed up an opportunity to get wasted and chose to be sober," Lana pointed out. "Honey, it's Cheryl. Let's be honest, that woman's memory isn't exactly the most reliable thing in the world."
Ray walked in with some tea. "The warranty on Cheryl's brain expired years ago!"
"So, it doesn't bother you that she completely forgot about Archer?" Pam asked.
"There are days I wish I could forget about Archer!" Lana barked.
"I really need to find some new friends," Pam groaned.
"We have a problem," Cyril said as he walked in with Krieger.
"A problem?" Ray quipped as he sat down with his tea. "That's a step up."
"Cheryl never showed up to work," Cyril said. "Mr. Lee called me and wanted to know where she was."
"And he's worried about her?" Lana asked.
"No, he was relieved that Cheryl never showed up," Cyril said. "Made whatever deal he was working on go through a lot smoother."
"So where is Cheryl?" Pam asked in a worried tone.
"She's wandering out there somewhere doing God knows what…" Ray realized. "We should alert the villagers. And the arson squad."
"I'm serious, Ray!" Pam snapped.
"So am I!" Ray snapped back. "Knowing her she may have some deranged plan to burn down half of LA just to make smores!"
Pam was stunned. "Oh God. She would totally do that."
"That woman could be anywhere by now," Cyril groaned.
"HA! HA! HA! HA!" A familiar cackle was heard.
"Or…" Lana realized. "She could be hiding in the copy room again after ingesting her latest glue and groovy bear stash."
"Oh right," Ray realized. "None of us made any copies today…"
"HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl stormed into the breakroom waving a sword. "I am Chericon! Queen of the Space Pirates!"
She was dressed in a silver outfit with short shorts, silver armor plating on her shoulders, silver boots, and several metal studs around her wrists and neck. Her hair was gelled up into a mohawk like design with several streaks of silver. Her face was made up with silver glitter and her lips were silver.
"And we're back," Ray sighed.
"You called it," Krieger looked at Cyril.
"Where does she get her costumes?" Lana blinked.
"I'm going to plunder and pillage this pathetic little planet!" Cheryl cackled. "Space Rock and Roll! YEAH!" She ran out of the room.
"Krieger…" Cyril sighed.
"On it," Krieger took out his tranquilizer gun and ran after her.
"So much for sobriety and sanity," Cyril sighed. "Which never had a chance in Cheryl's brain."
"Cecil is starting to look like the lesser of two idiots," Ray quipped.
"Still think Cheryl forgetting Archer is a big deal?" Lana looked at Pam.
"That woman can't even remember who she is half the time," Pam realized. "Never mind anyone else!"
"Just figured that out, did you?" Lana drawled.