Kara spent the next few days mostly alone. Her teammates apologized for not visiting her in the hospital wing, citing Great Hall celebrations of near-riot status as the reason for their absence. Kara understood – mostly – and could really only think of Lena anyway.
And the more she thought about it – and thought about it and thought about it – the less and less she was able to tolerate her own treatment of the Slytherin. I shouldn't have let her walk away feeling like I didn't want her there, Kara told herself. Even if she didn't really want to stay, the least I could've done was express my appreciation. She felt weak for shutting down and selfish for pushing Lena away just to protect her own feelings.
Eventually, she could sit with the guilt no longer and decided it was high time to suck it up and deal with her own bullshit, for Lena's sake and for her own self-respect. Right now, she had none, and the only way to get it back was to go and apologize.
Still, just thinking about Lena's shimmering green eyes made her stomach turn, and as she walked towards the Slytherin common room alone late one evening, she wasn't quite sure she would make it the whole way without turning back with her metaphorical tail between her legs.
She did make it, though. Standing on wobbly legs she was sure would give out but never did, Kara knocked on the edge of the portrait. (Prefects knew the locations of other common rooms, but not their passwords.) When a scrawny looking third year Slytherin opened the portrait, Kara did her best to use her most authoritative prefect voice as she announced, "I'm a prefect, and I need to speak to Lena Luthor. Could you grab her for me?"
"I mean, I could grab her, yeah, but she'd probably slap me," the third year remarked, grinning from ear to ear.
Kara rolled her eyes as the young man continued to smirk, and before she could get another word in, Lena was pushing the boy aside.
"Move," Lena grumbled at him. "Go grab someone your own age."
When Lena saw who was standing there, though, having overheard the conversation they'd had but not quite picked up on who was speaking, her eyes went wide with surprise. After days of absence, here Kara was, standing in front of the entrance to her common room.
"Um… Hey," the brunette finally greeted the prefect, as casually as possible, while pushing some of her hair behind her ear. "What's up?"
"I, um…" Kara started. "I wanted… I came here… Uh. Well…"
Knowing full well she was staring but finding herself having quite suddenly become brainless, Kara continued to stare at the Slytherin. She also continued to fumble for words for a few brief moments before finally giving up, holding out her hand, and passing Lena a yellow rose.
"Sorry," she mumbled, dropping her gaze all the way down to her own shoes as Lena held the rose in her hands and stared down at it.
After some time recovering from her own surprise, the older girl looked up and managed to say, "It's yellow."
At first, Kara didn't know where she was going with this, so she just nodded her head in response.
Then, Lena added, "It means friendship."
Kara's eyes went slightly wide as she mumbled, "Yeah, um… I mean… I just picked them. I didn't—" But she couldn't finish the lie, so she simply ended with, "Yeah. I mean, I know you don't do friends or anything. I just… um… wanted to say sorry."
"For what?" Lena asked, sounding sincere.
"For being an ass," Kara explained simply. "For not thanking you the way I should have for saving my life. For staying with me when no one else did."
Sighing, Lena said, "Kara. You don't have to apologize. Or thank me. I just care." As soon as Lena heard her own words, she quickly added, "About people."
But she hated the sound of her own correction. Hated that she'd just taken away the importance of Kara as an individual. So badly, she wanted to say, I care about you. It just wouldn't come out. She couldn't let it come out. It would sound stupid, and that was the last thing Lena wanted: to sound stupid in front of Kara.
"Oh," Kara said simply. Then, looking as sad and ashamed as she felt, Kara finished, "Anyway, thank you, and I do sincerely apologize for my reprehensible behavior before. You didn't deserve that kind of disrespect and I'm sorry."
"Kara…" Lena said softly, trying to find the right words. "Why did you really choose yellow roses?"
"You don't like yellow, do you?" Kara laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
"Well, considering it's Hufflepuff's house colors, of course I don't," Lena teased, temporarily playing the role of a typical Slytherin. "But seriously. Kara. Why yellow roses? You could have chosen any flower… but you didn't, did you?"
"Lena, listen. I was just… just trying to apologize."
"Alright," Lena sighed. More coldly, and with less emotion, she added, "Well… Apology accepted. You can go, now that your conscious is clear."
"Lena!" Kara cried, a little louder than she'd intended to. "It's not like that."
"Then tell me the truth!" Lena cried.
"Alright!" the younger girl shouted, her cheeks becoming warm with exasperation. "I chose yellow roses because all I could think about was how badly – how desperately – I wanted your friendship. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? Me sounding like an idiot? Begging a Slytherin to care about a Gryffindor?"
Lips parting, Lena began to stare at Kara, whose features had twisted into ones of frustration. Kara was nearly panting from the effort of her own confession, too emotionally heightened to feel the shame that she knew would come as soon as she turned to walk away. Kara knew her efforts would be fruitless. But all she could think of in that moment was how desperately she wanted to tell Lena everything. The whole story. But that wasn't an option, so she got as close to the truth as humanly possible and waited for Lena's reply.
Finally, it came when Lena whispered, "I do care about you, Kara."
"You care about people," Kara challenged, not angry but also unwilling to let this slide.
Lena sighed and took a step closer to Kara, looking into her eyes, saying, "That was a stupid thing to say, and I'm sorry. I do care about people – I'm not my parents – but it wasn't what I meant. It felt too… real… to say I care about you personally. It felt weird in my head to think of you being the exception. To think of you actually being my friend. Because Luthors don't have friends, Kara. I can't have friends. But I do care about you." Then, Lena emphasized, "You. Kara Danvers."
"You think you can't have friends because you're a Luthor?" Kara questioned, after a long pause of consideration.
It wasn't all hitting her yet. She could only take in so much at once. All she could think was, Does she want to be my friend and just feels like she can't?
Kara would take that. Kara would take that in a heartbeat. She was feeling stupider and stupider by the minute for pushing Lena away. Her own selfishness had got in the way of attempting a friendship with Lena, and that reality was crashing down on top of her with every word from Lena's lips.
"Wait," Kara said, cutting Lena off before she could answer the first question. "I made a big mistake, Lena. Bigger than I thought. I did honestly think you were just being nice to be nice. And before… when we took that walk outside… I just figured… I realized that you probably wouldn't want to waste your time on a Mudblood Gryffindor."
The words hurt, coming out. Kara didn't really care that she had only partially Wizard blood, and she hated being called a Mudblood, because she knew it was incredibly derogatory, so she generally didn't use that word. But she knew that any Slytherin was likely to have difficulty tolerating the presence of one in the school, and she wasn't sure if Lena was aware that she wasn't a pure blood. She also knew that Lena's parents were part of the crusade to rid Hogwarts of Mudbloods back in their day, and that didn't exactly up her chances of success at friendship with the youngest Luthor.
Kara had drifted away to these thoughts briefly and only returned when she finally noticed the look of horror on Lena's face. That hurt too.
She must've thought I was a pure blood, Kara reasoned. That's the only explanation for why she's looking at me like that, right? She probably wishes she'd let me fall now.
Feeling her whole world start to shake – Lena's expression was tearing away the entirety of the rest of their conversation about how much she cared – Kara sensed her knees going even weaker than they had been upon walking there. The only way she could've been more embarrassed was to be standing there naked. Of course, Lena didn't know she was a Mudblood. Why else would she have tolerated her presence?
"I can't believe you right now," Lena finally managed to say under her breath, cracking the long silence wide open as her expression fell.
Kara took an ungraceful, stumbling step back.
"S-Sorry," was all she could manage to stammer. She couldn't even look back up to see that Lena's expression had faded from one of complete shock to one of pain and disappointment. "I'll go. Thank you for allowing me apologize."
Dumbfounded by Kara's cluelessness, Lena almost watched her walk away. But when Kara's body was finally turned fully away from her, something in Lena snapped, and she grabbed Kara's hand on instinct, pulling her back much harder than she'd intended. Startled, Kara stared at her wide-eyed as she was jerked back in Lena's direction. Waiting to get slapped or screamed at, Kara braced herself.
But neither the physical nor emotional impact came.
"Is that really who you think I am?" Lena asked bitterly, making Kara look even more confused than she already was. When the blonde said nothing, Lena pressed on, saying, "You think I trash people because of their blood, just like my parents? I thought you knew me better than that. I might not have friends, Kara, but I'm not a hateful person. The fact that you can stand there and assume that I wouldn't want to spend time with you because of your blood is absolutely devastating."
Kara couldn't believe what she was hearing. Lena was shocked because Kara was assuming how she felt about her because of her parents, not because she was a Mudblood! But that meant…
"Lena, I… I didn't… I thought… I just wanted… to respect your beliefs, if you had them, and—"
"You assumed I shared my parents' beliefs. I don't," Lena spat back, her face displaying genuine anger that Kara had never really seen before. "For fuck's sake, Kara. If you really thought I was a Mudblood-hater, why did you march your ass all the way over here to the other side of the castle just to say sorry? And with a fucking friendship rose?"
"I told you!" Kara shouted back. "I picked it because I just… I had the thought and it just happened, okay? Look. Lena. I pulled away because I didn't want to feel the sting of rejection when you found out I was a Mudblood or got pressure from the entire Slytherin house for spending time with a Gryffindor. And I pushed you away because I thought you were just being nice and I didn't want to be an annoying fly in your ear, begging you to be friends with me. I wanted to respect you as a person. Your wants and desires and beliefs and feelings. I did a really shitty job of that, because in the end I just assumed what you wanted, instead of asking. That's become blatantly clear just now. And I am, really and truly, very sorry. Just… please understand…"
When Kara's monologue was finished and Lena heard her trail off mid-sentence, Lena waited for a while.
Then, when Kara didn't finish, she asked, "Understand what, Kara?"
"Understand that I've wanted your friendship since I met you. My own self-deprecating bullshit and assumptions about you and your family ruined that. But just know that I've never thought less of you for what I wrongly assumed were your beliefs. I'd respect you if you didn't want to be around me, and that's why I walked away to begin with. I didn't want to have to hear you say 'fuck off' when you found out about my blood. I didn't want to work hard to be your friend only for you to decide I wasn't worth your time. I was being a coward, Lena, because I didn't want to feel that rejection. I was trying to spare us both the inconvenience of starting whatever this was and then losing it."
"You're right," Lena said coldly, taking a step back. "You did ruin it. Not because you were wrong, though. Because you actually thought, for even one second, that I was anything like them."
"Lena, I'm sorry!" Kara cried. "I didn't know! I wasn't judging. Honestly! I just didn't want to put you in a bad spot. Besides, I know you're already getting shit from all sides just from being seen around with me. And the rest of your house probably hates you for letting a Gryffindor live that day of the match."
"You're right about that too. I am getting shit from all sides. But unlike my parents, and unlike the person you thought I was, I'm not hateful and I don't care what anyone here thinks about me or who I spend my time with. Your house never stopped me before. And your blood wouldn't have stopped me either."
Red in the face from the pure intensity of her emotions, Kara blurted out, "Well, what does it matter anyway?! You said you can't have friends."
Lena froze. Kara kind of had a point there, but she still hated that the Gryffindor had seen her in such a dark light. Or at least, in the possibility of that darkness. And she had to admit: if her parents ever found out she saved a Mudblood, she'd probably be a dead girl by morning.
But that was fading fast as Lena had the realization that she didn't care all that much if she died over this. That would be the least of her problems. At least she'd die with a friend. She wanted to make her family happy more than anything – they were all she had – but for this friendship…
Lena sighed, rubbing her eyes. It was too late for that now. Everything Kara had said had ruined any chance of trust between them. There was no way.
Just to drive things home, and partially to make Kara understand exactly what she'd done, Lena revised her previous statement about their friendship, saying, "Luthors can't have friends. But I would've done it for you."
This hit Kara like a bullet train, knocking the wind from her lungs as she fell to her knees in front of Lena. Blindly, she groped for Lena's robes as she saw her vision go blurry from the hot wave of tears assaulting her cheeks, only being able to tell from her limited sight that the Slytherin was turning away from her.
"Lena," Kara sobbed, not caring how pathetic she looked in that moment but also grateful that no one else was around to see her grovel. "Lena, wait. Please. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you're not like your parents. I'm sorry. I was just scared."
Lena froze in place, half turned away, feeling her heart constricting at the sight and sound of Kara becoming a sobbing heap on the floor. She'd never seen Kara like this, and she hoped she never would again. It hurt too much, to see her in pain, as mad as she was.
"Lena, please," the blonde continued to beg. "Please, don't hate me. Don't hate me. I'm sorry. I fucked up. I'm so sorry, Lena."
Feeling her own tears threatening to bubble over as a knot formed in her throat, Lena forced herself to shove Kara's hands away from her robes as she turned the rest of the way towards the common room. Feet as heavy as stone, Lena dragged herself back through the portrait and let it slam closed behind her.
Even with the door and portrait closed, Lena could hear the piercing sound of Kara's sobs as a storm formed inside her. Don't leave her like that, she heard herself think. She's your only friend.
The Slytherin's tears finally fell as she braced herself against the wall, resting her forehead against the stone, and listened closely. No signs of movement from Kara. No footsteps away from the common room. Her crying remained loud, and every single sob that Lena heard ripped deeper and deeper into her heart, until she could callous herself no longer.
Roughly wiping away her own silent tears, Lena pushed the portrait open and stepped outside, heart constricting at the sight of Kara still there, alone, in a sobbing heap on the cold stone floor.
Taking a steadying breath to humble herself and fight back her impulse to run from this, Lena found herself sinking to the floor beside the crying Gryffindor.
"Alright," she whispered, sliding her arms around Kara's shaking body as she scooted closer. Then, louder, she repeated, 'Alright. It's okay."
But Kara couldn't breathe anymore, from the intense energy it was taking just to sob as hard as she was, so she couldn't reply.
"It's okay. Kara, take a deep breath," Lena coached her. "Deep breath."
"I'm s-s-sorry," the blonde stuttered, her tears showing no signs of stopping. 'I r-ruined it. I ruined our friendship. I r-ruined everything. I'm s-so, so s-sorry."
"Kara, shh," Lena said, all of her anger fully dissipating from the excruciating sound of Kara crying. More than anything, Lena wanted to make it stop, so she continued, "It's okay. I'm right here, and I'm not going to leave. I don't care that you're not a pure blood. I don't care that you're a Gryffindor. I don't care that I'm a Slytherin. I don't care that I'm a Luthor. I just… care that I'm your friend."
Lena still hadn't let go of Kara and was holding her against her chest. Finally, Kara returned the embrace and began to cry into Lena's shoulder, the volume of her sobs reduced significantly.
"You don't have to—"
"Hush," Lena silenced her, reaching out to take off Kara's glasses, which now had tears all over them. After gently setting them safely to the side, Lena pulled Kara closer again and whispered, "It's okay. I know we're an unlikely pair, but we're okay, if you want us to be. I'm hurt, but I forgive you, Kara. I won't walk away."
"You w-won't?" Kara asked meekly, daring at last to look up into Lena's eyes.
She saw a few stray tears on Lena's cheeks and was surprised by this, but she found herself so incredibly grateful that Lena was giving her such a soft, almost loving gaze that relief washed over her, making her forget even her own tears.
"No," Lena confirmed. "I won't leave you."
"But won't your family disown you?" Kara sniffled, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand.
There were still tears left, though, so Lena leaned in, using her thumbs to gently wipe the rest on Kara's cheeks. Kara shivered at the touch and found herself incredibly glad that she couldn't see any details of Lena's face. The longing to kiss her was so painfully strong that she moved in suddenly, ducking her head and resting her forehead on Lena's shoulder to stop herself from doing anything she'd regret more later.
"They don't have to know," Lena promised. "I won't tell them if you don't."
"They're sure to know about the match, though, right?" Kara asked, her voice muffled slightly by Lena's cloak and shoulder.
"All I'll say is, 'I'm not a killer.' They don't have to know we're friends. I can leave it at that. But hey… Let me worry about that, okay? You just… start asking and stop assuming. I might surprise you, if you let me."
"I'm sorry, Lena," Kara whimpered, getting choked up once again.
"Shh. I know. Kara, it's okay. Let's move past this, alright? There's nothing I want more than to move past this and just… be… us. Okay? So if you're ever not sure about something… just ask. I'll be honest."
Kara nodded weakly, tightening her arms around Lena as they sat on the floor. After a while, the blonde sighed, tears having finally stopped completely, and looked up.
"I have to get back to the common room for evening prefect duties."
Lena bit her lip. I don't want you to go, she almost said. But she held it in. Kept her shit together. Shoved it down.
"Okay," she said softly, carefully picking up her rose and Kara's glasses off the floor. As soon as she managed to stand – it took a moment, on wobbly legs – Kara hugged Lena again, so Lena whispered, "I care about you. Don't ever forget that, okay?"
Kara nodded, almost letting out a pained whimper as she put on her glasses with shaking hands. The relief was so intense that it actually hurt, and as little sense as that made, Kara could feel the sting of shock setting in. They were friends.
"I care about you too, Lena," Kara finally managed to reply.
She hesitated, not wanting to leave, until Lena said, "Goodnight, Kara. Be safe. I'll see you tomorrow, if you'd like. We could do breakfast."
Enthusiastically, Kara nodded and replied, "I'd love that."
Lena watched Kara leave and turn back only once to look at her with a sad expression of disappointment at their parting before returning to her common room for the evening, clutching the rose carefully to her chest.
Author's note: Yes, I know... It's angsty. :P Had to be done, though! 3 Love you all!