Easing the Pain, a star wars fanfic

Steela lay there, too still and too quiet. Saw had reached her by then, and the others were gathering around her. Lux stood in front of Ahsoka who still tried to stay in the back. Not much good it did, once she revealed herself at the failed execution. Now everyone knew of the Jedi presence in Onderon. Perhaps it had become habit to stick to the back for this mission. That, or she now lingered out of respect for Steela's fellow rebels who surely needed this moment.

Saw was talking, blaming himself. Nobody blamed him, though. How could they? Lux even said as much.

"Saw, it's not your fault," Lux murmured, kneeling next to the man and his sister. "It's the Jedi's fault." He raised his voice at the proclamation, turning to Ahsoka with a hard stare. Ahsoka stumbled back, eyes wide.

"Lux I-I did everything I could! I almost had her then that droid got me! You saw the ship, you know I wouldn't have let her go!"

Saw shook his head, lifting his sister up gently, limp legs dangling. He turned deliberately and walked away. One by one the rest of the rebels followed. Behind them, Lux stood.

"The Jedi arrived at our request, intervened from the start just enough for us to get our hands dirty, then they backed away so they wouldn't get their own hands dirty. This is the corruption my mother fought against. You almost convinced me you were innocent of their schemes! Now I see you're just another one of them, following your orders blindly. You could have stepped into the battle long before now. We probably wouldn't even be in this position if you had helped us! And now Steela's dead because of you."

His voice was bitter, not even willing to face the togruta. Ahsoka stood as if planted to the ground, unable to move. Somewhere, a voice in her head whispered It's grief, he doesn't know what he's saying, he'll regret these words later. But in truth, Ahsoka had no idea where his rage was coming from. Worse, she had no response. She could only gape like a fish.

Ahsoka didn't spend long planet side after that. Her ship was docked right outside the capital of Onderon and the beasts couldn't make it in one flight, so she flew as far as she could, then ran. Running felt good. Felt calming. Master Skywalker would shake his head at it, but sometimes she preferred running over meditating. The physical pain burned away her fear, her anger, her anxiety grief sadness frustration until all that was left was the Force flowing through her, lifting her faster and faster.

Clankers yelled at her as she ran by, occasionally taking a shot off, indicating she was nearing the city. The highlands hadn't been near so crawling with droids. So much for a low profile indeed. But Ahsoka was too upset, too focused to think about being seen or reported to the Council somehow.

"Much hurt I sense, padawan Tano. Hmm?"

Master Yoda motioned for Ahsoka to explain herself. Beside her, Master Skywalker turned with a questioning glance, before he schooled his features.

"Master Yoda, I did my best not to intervene as the council ordered. But the battle finished and the rebel leader fell and was hanging on the side of a cliff. Lux-" she stopped for a moment, then corrected herself. "The Senator's son tried to help and slipped himself. I Force lifted him up, but couldn't save the leader. I was shot while lifting her and she...Master Yoda she fell and didn't make it." Ahsoka couldn't look anyone in the face. They might sense she wasn't telling the whole of the story.

If Master Yoda sensed anything, he didn't comment on it. They dismissed her shortly after, though Master Kenobi was required to stay behind for further reports. Master Anakin didn't say anything either, until Ahsoka asked if she could stay on his floor for the night. They'd neared his rooms by then, and he waved her inside with a raised eyebrow.

"Snips, you haven't stayed in my rooms since you returned with those missing younglings. What aren't you telling me?" He stood over her, expression fierce, though his tone gave away worry instead of anger. How do you tell your master about boy problems? Boy problems she wasn't even supposed to have, more importantly.

"Master...I really thought Lux and I were friends. But he blamed me for Steela's death and said I was as corrupt as he thinks the rest of the Jedi are." Ahsoka sighed, looking down again. If Master Skywalker wanted to know the entire truth, he'd have to keep prying. She'd never tell him a direct lie, but not mentioning something was different, right?

Anakin gave Ahsoka an appraising look, then stepped back and sat on his bed. He drew his knees up in the meditation pose and began his breathing exercises. Ahsoka, head still at the floor, glanced at him through her lashes.

"...Master? What...are you doing?" Of all the things to do while she was trying to talk to him! Sometimes he could be so...gaaahhh! Frustrating didn't begin to cover it.

"I sense frustration, Ahsoka." Anakin murmured without opening his eyes. "Your mat is in it's cupboard. Set it up and begin your exercises with me."

Ahsoka threw him a glare and a huff, but set about preparing her small mat. The pillow and blanket could probably wait until after whatever lesson Anakin was trying to teach, so she unfurled the mat close to his bedside.

Inhale, exhale. Emotion, yet peace...

Inhale, exhale. Ignorance, yet knowledge...

Inhale, exhale. Passion, yet serenity…

"Tell me what has been going on with this Senator's boy." Anakin said quietly.

"Lux? I tried to persuade him against Death Watch a while back. He insisted on going, so I went with him. He...Master, he kissed me! To distract Death Watch of course, but still!" Ahsoka's eyes flew open, meeting Anakin's. How long had he been watching her? His manner was controlled, even keeled, but she sensed...something unnameable. He didn't speak, and the silence stretched long till she spoke again just to keep that awful silence at bay. Words tumbled from her mouth faster now.

"Master we didn't interact after that I swear! Then when we went to Onderon he was there and I was confused and tried to talk to him but he was already mooning after Steela this, rebel leader Steela that, and oh she can't figure out droid poppers but he's ready to swoop in and save the day-"

Anakin held up a hand to stop the stream.

"You were hurt he'd blame you? Didn't realise his feelings for her went far enough to make sides? Still hoped he'd kiss you again?" His voice held no inflection, and Ahsoka rebelliously thought he was attempting to channel Yoda in the awkward situation.

"No…well, maybe." She finally said. "I don't know, Master. I wasn't hoping for him to kiss me again. Lux and I were good friends, by the end. I thought we were anyways." she muttered bitterly.

Anakin shook his head at that.

"You must learn to control your feelings, Snips," he said gently. After a second, he reached his hand down for her, pulling her up to sit next to him on the bed. He continued, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, "As a Jedi you have a higher responsibility. Lux may be a senator's son, but he doesn't understand that. You can't afford to be pining after someone who doesn't understand the Jedi purpose, or what we do."

"I wasn't pining after him!" Ahsoka looked affronted, turning to Anakin. "I thought we had gotten past the awkwardness and were finally friends. Then he goes and blames his girlfriend's death on me just because he's upset. Worse," her voice got quiet, "he might be right to blame me. I just keep thinking, what if there was something I could have done?" Ahsoka looked up at Anakin, eyes wide.

Her markings had shifted in the last year, Anakin realised. When had that happened? Her montrals too, had grown from when he'd first taken her on as his padawan. Ahsoka, Anakin realised with a melancholy heart, was nearly grown. In an ideal world, her only concerns right now would be taking the Trials. But unfortunately, the togruta next to him had the burden of guilt and death over her.

"No, Ahsoka." He said gently. "There was nothing you could have done. If there was, you would have done it. You're the fiercest Padawan I know, you've never given up on something, and that hasn't changed because of some boy. Put him out of your mind."

Ahsoka seemed reluctant despite his words, leaving Anakin with his last ditch option: paired meditations. He hadn't ever done them before, as they were technically forbidden, but nothing else was working. Anakin reached for the bookshelf above his bed, pulling out a holo. He settled it in front of his crossed legs so it sat right in the middle of him and Ahsoka. Gently, he took her hands in his, waving two fingers to bring up the hologram.

"These are paired meditations. They're...ancient...and designed to further bonds such as Master and padawan. One of the benefits is that during the meditation, I can take some of your grief. If you wish, of course," he added hastily. Ahsoka was staring at the holo guide with consternation, so he went on. "Paired meditations are, well, not quite endorsed by the council. So don't go telling Bariss or any of the masters about this, if you know what I mean," Anakin said meaningfully.

Ahsoka couldn't take her eyes off of the holo guide. The meditations it showed looked rather intimate. Of course, she didn't really know anything about that, so maybe she was missing something. Anakin was talking again, something about the meditations being banned. Well it didn't take a Master to figure that one out, even a youngling could see why. There was nobody a Jedi could practice the meditations with without violating the Jedi Code in some way or shape.

"-it'll help, but it's entirely up to you, Ahsoka. You just say no and we will stick to the standards and your pain will fade naturally." Anakin was saying. He couldn't say if he wanted her to do the meditations or not. He was curious about them, no doubt about it. But he also valued and respected Ahsoka, and didn't that mean he leave her to give her feelings to the Force? No. No one had been there when his mother had died, and though this wasn't of the same gravity he recognised that Ahsoka needed help.

"I'll do it." Ahsoka said quietly, her face setting in stubbornness.

Slowly, he led her through the meditations, feeling out her consciousness. Instead of gently sensing her, he allowed his consciousness to twine around hers until it was impossible to tell where his mind ended and hers began. Their breathings fell in sync, hands clasped on their knees as they sat facing each other with eyes closed. Gradually, Ahsoka felt the grief and hurt bleed away. Not entirely, but enough for her to know that the burden no longer rested with her alone.

It felt strange to be so close with Anakin in the Force. His mind laid bare before her, within her, she flowed through him even as he in her. His past, his present, his visions of the future were in front of her. The sheer anger and hatred at what happened with his mother, cooled into a distrust of the Council now, shocked her. So too, did his illicit (and failed) marriage to Padme. The falling-out had been immense with that one, reminding her of his short words and awful temper in the weeks after now she understood what had happened.

Entwined as they were it was hard sometimes to tell where his feelings began and hers began. Patience guided her to wait while she sought answers to an intriguing thread running through him. Slowly, slowly she felt his care for her, his worry each time she fought or flew off on a mission, the lightness in his heart when she teased him or gave as good as she got in their duals. Deeper she burrowed, sensing uncertainly...newer thoughts; how she had grown, how her lekku now reached halfway down her back, how her markings seemed brighter and had shifted sometime, how her montrals were proper togrutan horns now. Ahsoka hummed with pride at that. The Temple was excellent at leveling the youngling to equality, but she still held pride in her race and their advanced genetics which gave them special talents at adulthood.

Anakin went into the meditations focused only on maintaining his balance with the Force and easing things for Ahsoka. He was not prepared for how completely they'd enveloped one another. Pretty sure the holo hadn't mentioned that part, only saying it deepened bonds. Ahsoka's woes nearly drowned him as it was, long past events bubbling up in the curious way that grief does. The lost feeling as she was reunited, then separated again from her people. The blame she carried for the battles long lost, her first command in particular stabbing at him. The hurt from the senator's boy even as she wondered what could have been done to save the leader. Anakin drew it all in without prejudice. When her heart's wounds stopped seeping tragedy after tragedy, peace began filtering back into Ahsoka and Anakin. He could sense her difficulty maintaining her own identity and understood why these forms had been banned.

Anakin tapped one metal finger against Ahsoka, the signal to break, and they both opened their eyes to the material world again. Ahsoka blinked, shaking her head a little as if to clear it. Even Anakin, skilled as he was, suffered a moment lost to reorienting himself.

"Better?" he asked quietly.

Ahsoka nodded. She leaned against his side with an around him even as he wrapped his left arm around her shoulders. They stayed thus, as evening bells tolled and the light outside fell into twilight.

"Master? Tell me about Padme." Ahsoka asked. It had taken her a while to remember everything she'd sensed while meditating. It took even longer to work up the courage to ask her Master about the affair.

Anakin was silent for a while. "Padme...was a beautiful queen. An angel, pure and full of light. I was a slave boy on Tattooine. She and Master Qui-Gon Jinn are the reason I was able to leave that planet. When the Temple took me in, it was a decade before I saw her again. She was the only thing from the outside world aside from my mother that I held onto. We spent much time together during my missions, and…" He trailed off, staring at a spot on the wall. Then he shrugged.

"We both loved the Republic and what it stands for. Our marriage was much like our hopes to do good for the Republic: idealistic and naive. But it fell short when it became clear we disagreed on exactly how to serve the Republic. She didn't understand the Jedi ways. I didn't understand the need for endless politics." Anakin gestured vaguely, and Ahsoka understood somehow, that that was that. No words were needed.

Something in Ahsoka seemed to rattle about her, dislodged and now at the forefront of her mind. Almost without noticing, she whispered, "I understand the Jedi ways, Master."

"It's Anakin," he whispered, " not Master. Not now."

He held her in his arms that night, the pad on the floor slightly curled up without weight to hold it down. It reminded him of the early days, when his quarters had been her official residence in order to establish a round-the-clock Master/Padawan relationship. Nowadays she resided with the older padawans, though it wasn't uncommon for an older padawan to stay with their Master occasionally.

Of course, that didn't include them sleeping side by side. Who knew what had possessed Anakin to allow it tonight, other than it didn't feel quite right for her to be beneath him on the cold hard floor now the meditations had rendered them equals, one in the Force.

Something had shifted in their dynamic. There was no denying it. Ahsoka was careful to call him Master Skywalker when others were around, but in private he was almost exclusively Anakin now. And Anakin was faring no better. He looked at her differently now, though how he couldn't say. Appreciation maybe, or respect. It had been clear that she held none of the expectations others had. No mantle of The Chosen One, no fearsome knowledgeable Jedi, just her mentor that she fought beside and respected. Oddly, it brought comfort. She'd seen how he had ignored one of the core tenets of the Code, and hadn't reported him or even lectured him.

"Ahsoka, I want to go over your meditations again when you're finished with your dualling practice," Anakin called from the gallery above the dojo.

"Right, Master!" she yelled without looking up. He was impressed. Not long ago she had been easily distractible and emotional in her fights. Now she remained (relatively) collected and never took her eyes off her opponent.

Mistress Luminara was giving Ahsoka tips to better handle her sabers, then indicated they start again. Anakin lingered, watching Ahsoka and Luminara go through their forms. Luminara was a formidable Mistress, well known amongst the Jedi for hardly ever losing in single combat. Ahsoka could learn much from her if she paid attention.

"Master?" Ahsoka called quietly. His rooms were dark and slightly cold. Odd, since he'd requested she meet him here after practice. Then again, Anakin did a lot of things without explaining the hows or whys. She turned some of the lower lights to a dim setting and moved to sit on his bed and wait.

...and wait…

"Ahsoka?" Anakin whispered quietly, a hand on her shoulder. "Ahsoka, wake up. I need you to scoot over." He moved her curled up form closer to the wall so he could sit on the bed, tiredly pulling off his boots. His robes were muddy at the hem and he dropped them into the laundry chute, adding his tunic as an afterthought. Ahsoka was groggily stirring at the noise behind him and lifted her head.

"Anakin? Wha happ'nd? Where were you?" She slurred, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Don't worry about it Snips. Master Windu and I were sent into the underbelly of Coruscant to follow a lead of his. I think we should save the meditations for the morning, if it's alright with you." Anakin crawled into the bed without waiting for an answer, grabbing Ahsoka's arm and turning her to face the wall, then wrapping his arm around her as he pulled her close.

The night had been long and tiring, nothing but grunt work really, something that he hadn't been in the mood to do. Master Windu, on the other hand, had been itching to get out of the temple and do something more immediately productive. All well and fine, Anakin supposed, until you were heartily dragged around every lowlife establishment on the planet. Absentmindedly he traced circles over Ahsoka's abdomen, tired but too caught in thought to sleep.

A light snore from Ahsoka eventually brought him back to reality. The holo shown 03.21, too late to sleep, too early to wake. He groaned. The Padawan in front of him shifted in her sleep, oblivious to her Master. Anakin looked at her. Really, properly looked at her. She looked calm in her sleep. Almost happy. Not the measured, careful peace of balance, but the carefree that unworried sleep brought. Thoughts of Ahsoka happy rose unbidden to his mind. Her, laughing at a joke one of the clones had said. Her, smiling at a mission well done as they shifted to light speed. Her, showing another Padawan how she rubbed special oils into her lekku to make them gleam just right in the sun. Sleep thus crept on him, and before he knew it the bells were announcing morning.