A/N – Flashback scenes are heavily inspired and based on information from the Kylo Ren comics.
A special thank you to entersomethingcleverhere over on tumblr (or jamaninja over on A03) for doing a lovely job beta reading this chapter for me. Go check her out!
Chapter 2
There was a voice, sinister in its very essence as it roared at an innocent baby boy.
Little fists balled in the air as chubby legs kicked in desperation. Searching on instinct for the sweet warmth of his protectors.
You are mine! The voice taunted over and over.
The baby screeched helplessly into the night, with his tender heart beating far too vigorously for his precious age. A lesser heart would have already burst, but the baby exuded a strength like no other. And yet, even for his mighty little heart, the black-haired child roared helplessly in terror.
"Come on Ben, it's three in the morning," Han Solo sighed as he entered the room. He scooped the baby into his warm arms, where only there the voice failed to reach. The man hushed the child, cuddling him close to his shoulder; unknowingly shielding the baby from an unseen torment. "Take it easy, kid. I've got you."
The boy settled into the comfort of his father, while his cries slowed into exhausted pouts. With gentle strokes at his back and a pair of strong arms to protect him, the boy found rest at last.
Little Ben raced through the empty hallways with a colorful paper in hand. At five years old his little legs could only move so fast, but he was still quicker than the droids ordered to tend to him. Ben knew which room she'd be in, after all, his mother was always in that same spot.
"Mama!" he shouted excitedly when he finally found her. The room was full of others. Some glared at the brash entrance while others smiled at the small child, but young Ben Solo only took notice of the woman standing at the podium.
"Ben! What are you doing here?" Leia bent down to collect her son. She turned to the crowd gathered before her with a face flushed red. "My apologies, Senators. I will return in just a moment."
Ben melted into his mother's arms as they left the crowded room; savoring the warm hold that he could never seem to get enough of.
"Ben, what did I tell you?" the young woman asked a bit brashly.
"But mama…"
"No buts, I told you that mommy's working. I need you to stay here until I return," she ordered firmly.
"But mama, you've been gone all day!"
"I know Ben, but I need you to behave. Can you do that for me?"
"Yes mama," Ben answered sadly.
"Artoo, make sure he stays here, please," Leia turned her attention to the droid. Artoo released a set of beeps that Ben had not yet learned to translate. However, he knew enough to understand its loyalty to his mother.
Ben laid the paper he'd been carrying on the ground, looking at the messy drawing created for his mother. She always complimented his drawings. At least, she used to compliment his drawings. She used to brim in excitement when he raced to her with a new paper in hand. As of late however, he was met only with his mother's rejection.
Taking his pencil, he erased the two sets of arms of the taller figures holding a young boy's hands. When the boy in the drawing stood as alone as he felt, he finally began to cry.
Ben tinkered with the arm he tore from Threepio's socket. The droid was off somewhere rambling about the atrocities done to him, while Ben prayed that the act would finally be enough discourage his mother and father for leaving a machine to babysit. The cold metal arms could never be a suitable replacement for the attention of his own family.
"Ben!" Han's voice roared from the floor below.
Ben tensed. He knew his actions would result in punishment, but it was a risk he had to endure. His little fingers were playing with the end of a wire when his father reached the door frame.
"What did I tell you about messing with the droids?!" his father fumed. "Replacement parts aren't cheap, kid."
"I'm sorry, Dad," Ben lied.
"Clean this up," the man ordered harshly. "Your mother will be home any minute and I need to get going."
"Wait, Dad!" Ben sprung to his feet to chase his father down the stairs. "Where are you going now?"
"I've got a job on Coruscant," he explained. "I'll be gone two weeks."
"But you just got home," Ben reminded.
"Sorry kid, someone has to put food on the table."
They don't love you.
Young Ben startled as the voice forced its dark message into his mind. No, he thought. You're lying!
They don't want you around. You are nothing more than a nuisance to them.
"No!" Ben shouted aloud with a palm thrust forward. A burst of power surged from his body and the window in its path shattered into pieces. Anger turned to terror as the glass was thrust into his father's skin.
"Ah!" Han cowered to his knees, while a slick coat of red bathed the hand at his forehead. "Damn it, Ben!"
"Dad!" Ben shouted in terror. Before he could reach his fallen father, the door burst open.
"What happened in here?!" Leia exclaimed before noticing her husband cowering on his knees. "Han!"
"Mommy, I didn't mean to!" Ben took a step forward but stopped as his mother put up a hand.
"Stay there, Ben. Just stay there." She spoke cautiously. It was impossible for any being to miss the tremble in her words, as if she were afraid of the small child. His mother, his strong mother, afraid of him?
Ben breathed heavily, panting in terror at what he had done. His mother guided his father to the other room, leaving their shivering son to cope with his own demons.
"Master Benny, your heart rate is dangerously high. Might I suggest…" Threepio began.
Ben raced from the droid in an instant, falling to his knees when breathing became a challenge. His eyes fell to his open palms that always seemed to cause so much chaos. Why couldn't he do anything right?!
He looked for his family once more in the empty room before becoming consumed by his own tears.
Ben sat on the floor at the edge of his bed, using all his strength to keep his sobs silent. They were arguing again. It seemed like they were always arguing lately.
"What are we going to do with him Leia? The kid's turning into a monster," his father argued.
"He just lost his temper," Leia tried to defend but the terror in her voice was all too clear. She was afraid, she was afraid of her own son.
"Stop defending his behavior," Han growled. "Next time it could be someone's head instead of a window."
The cruel words pierced his chest like a hot knife.
"Why are they afraid of me?" Ben sniffled through his tears.
You are strong. They fear your power. The voice explained.
"I-I didn't mean to h-hurt him," Ben spoke through his sniffles.
They deserve to be hurt. They hurt you.
"No, you're wrong," he sobbed.
They don't love you child, it taunted. They would forgive you for your outburst if they did.
"No, stop!" he begged. "Leave me alone!"
But you are alone, boy. In time, you shall see that I am all you have.
Ben's little hands covered his ears before burrowing into his knees. Desperate to drown the hushed voices arguing a few rooms down and the voice haunting him. No matter how hard he cried, no matter how tightly he held himself, he could not escape the dreadful term mocking him.
Monster. You are a monster.
Ben raced through the thick foliage as fast as he possibly could, desperate to reach the ship before it took flight. Perhaps if he begged harder, cried long enough, his father would change his mind.
"Dad!" his little voice shrieked as the Falcon engaged its engines. As the ship gained altitude, Ben moved to stand in its shadow. "Don't leave me!"
"It's all right, Ben," Luke spoke softly behind him, but nothing could soothe his broken heart.
They don't want you, the voice reminded so cruelly. They don't care about you. Just their precious New Republic.
"Daddy! Come back!" he cried as the ship tore through the atmosphere. Ben watched the ship disappear, before falling to his knees sobbing. "Come back!"
"Hey, Solo!" A shout interrupting his meditation. "I'm talking to you, Solo!"
Ben breathed slowly to keep his heart calm.
"What do you want?" he asked his fellow Padawan without even opening his eyes.
"What do I want?" the voice snickered from behind. "I'd like to have your name. Maybe then Master Skywalker would see my true potential."
He was being baited, and Ben knew as much. So why did he allow the boy to fuel his anger?
Don't ignore your anger, let the rage consume you. Use it against him. The voice whispered. Ben scrunched his face, desperately pushing against the dark command. Show him your power!
"I get no special treatment," Ben groaned. "Perhaps if you spent more time focusing on yourself instead of me, you'd actually impress someone."
*Whack*
Ben growled as the back of his head erupted in pain before the blow put him on his knees.
"Get up, Solo! Fight like your mommy and daddy did in the war!" The boy taunted.
Destroy him. You deserve their respect! The voice commanded.
No. I shouldn't. Ben tried to convince himself. However, when the force warned him of another incoming blow, his arm flew up on its own accord.
The boy's staff fell to the ground as his hands reached for the invisible coil around his neck.
"Solo, w-what are… you… doing?" The boy choked.
Yes, yes! Finish him!
Ben's fingers tensed as his invisible grip tightened. The boy began to grow purple when a new voice shouted behind them.
"Ben!" Luke raced into the room. "Let him go!"
His uncle's presence snapped him from the fury and the boy fell to the floor gasping for breath. Ben stood above his attacker, terrified by the fierce veins stretching along his neck. Ben stared in terror at his open palm.
"I didn't mean to…"
"Go," Luke snarled before kneeling next to the boy. "We will discuss this later."
Ben lifted a spoonful of his favorite dish to his lips. Thinking, perhaps, that the rest of the night wouldn't be so bad with his stomach at ease. The young Padawans shouted carelessly through the mess hall, all entertaining one another with innocent conversation. Beside him, his friends chattered on about the day's sparring sessions while Voe gloated about her victory over Hennix.
As new shouts erupted through the hall, Ben had to refrain from growling at the voice of his least favorite peer.
"I always knew there was something wrong with you, Solo," the young man sneered loudly. By the time he reached Ben's table, the entire room turned their attention to the pair.
Ben groaned, taking his time to turn around in his seat.
"Just ignore him, Ben," Tai tried to whisper.
"Did your lightsaber turn red yet, monster?" the young man smirked.
Ben was on his feet faster than even his own mind could comprehend. If not for Tai's hand springing to grasp his shoulder, Ben knew that his own hands would be secured around the boy's throat.
"Come on, Cliff," Tai groaned. "Can't we go one day without you antagonizing Ben?"
"You should keep your distance Tai, your friend is a walking time bomb," Cliff taunted again. Ben wanted to argue, but his rage did nothing to help his cause.
"Do you really want to risk losing your spot in the Academy for mockery?" Tai's normally gentle voice growled impatiently. "Master Skywalker has warned you multiple times."
"It's not me you should be worried about, Tai," Cliff scoffed before raising a pointed finger at Ben. "Not even your precious bloodline can keep you here now."
"Why don't you get to the point, so we can get back to our meals," Voe exclaimed as she moved to Ben's side.
"It's all over the news! Your mother's career is over. And it's about time, too."
"Don't talk about my mother," Ben stepped forward, but Tai's hand tightened. Voe shifted to stand in the tense air between the two, while Hennix put his aquatic claw at Ben's chest. The support of his friends should have been enough to tame him, but Ben shivered as he waited for Snoke's voice to stir his anger. The voice always came when his emotions ran high.
"What are you talking about, Cliff?" Voe crossed her arms in challenge.
"He's a monster, just like his grandfather," Cliff spat.
"How dare you talk about Anakin Skywalker that way?!" Hennix gasped. "His stories are legendary."
As they argued, Ben's gaze fell upon the newscast in the distance. There were images of protesters calling for the immediate dismissal of Leia Organa-Solo. However, his heart stopped when the heading scrolled along the top of the Holovid. Anakin Skywalker, Darth Vader. Two names of two very different people. And yet, the crowd's fury spoke otherwise.
"The news leaked an hour ago," Cliff said. "Anakin Skywalker was Darth Vader."
Ben didn't know how his friends reacted and he didn't give them the chance to. He pushed through them all with ease, shoving the obnoxious man to the floor as he rushed from the hall.
Ben's heart roared against his chest as he raced through the building.
It can't be true, he tried telling himself. Leia, his mother, could not possibly be the daughter of such evil. Of Darth Vader. However, when at last he located his uncle, when he saw the shame in the man's eyes, he knew that the petty gossip of angry senators was true.
"Did you know?" Ben's voice trembled. "Uncle, did you know?!"
"Yes," Luke answered softly.
Ben recoiled.
"No," he shook his head in disbelief.
"We didn't want you to find out this way." Luke tried.
"When were you going to tell me?!" Ben roared as tears fled shamelessly to his cheeks. "When I finally turned into the monster that they all fear me to be?! Is that why they stopped visiting? They know I'm bound to snap?!"
"It's going to be okay, Ben." Luke said far too calmly. It only fueled his fury.
"How? How will it be okay?!" Ben roared through his sobs. "You want me to carry on as if everything is normal? When I'm the grandson of the beast that haunts the Galaxy's dreams at night?!"
"Ben, you don't know the full story. Anakin…"
"Was a monster!" Ben cried. "Like I'm a monster!"
He couldn't take his uncle's calm any longer. He raced from the room and into the night. His heart was on fire by the time he finally collapsed to his knees where he finally released his pain.
Ben cried. For nearly an hour he cried. A terrible ache pounded in his head by the time he was drained. In the end there was only one being left to comfort him.
They fear you, my boy. The voice spoke softly. I do not.
Ben stood outside the destroyed hut, staring in disbelief at what had just happened. His heart shattered in pain at what his uncle had tried to do. Luke Skywalker, legend of the Galaxy, had tried to kill him.
"Why? Why did this happen?!" he shouted to no one. To his dismay, the sky answered.
A bolt of lightning struck the temple, shattering the foundation that sheltered so much life. Life that was now fading.
"No," Ben whispered before bursting into a sprint. Though lifeforces were fading, there were still lives that could be felt. He just had to reach them. "No!"
Ben was nearly there when the temple exploded. With a pained grunt, he slammed into the ground. His shaky arms lifted him just enough to stare at the rubble. When he reached again there was no life left.
"I didn't want this!" he cried on his knees. His head fell into his hands as he sobbed. "I never wanted this."
"Why did you have to follow me here? Just let me go!" Ben begged as he leapt away from the pursuing Jedi.
"Absolutely not, Solo. It's too late for that!" Voe chased after him. Angrily shouting against the atrocities they believed him to have made. "You're a murderer, and you must face justice!"
"Is that what you want me to be?" Ben halted as he reached the clifftop. Anger surged through him, fueling his powerful shove through the force. "Fine!"
And with that, Voe was thrown from the ledge. Ben panicked in an instant, reaching with all his might to slow her fall. He struggled to hold her and then another voice rang from behind him.
"You killed her! Monster!" Hennix screeched before hurling his saber forward.
Ben waved a hand to deflect the blade, quickly returning to the woman he had pushed. He was more than grateful to see Tai lifting his arms up high to catch her fall. For a moment, Ben allowed relief to wash over him. But then he heard the terrifying gurgle from behind.
"Hennix?" Ben turned slowly, already dreading what he would find. He ran to his friend lying motionless on the ground but knew even before the blood began to flood the ground that his life force had faded. Ben looked at his hands in terror. "No… What have I done?"
"You don't have to do this, Ben. You don't have to turn your back on the light," Tai pleaded.
"I am not what you think I am, Tai. It's too late now. This is my path," Ben growled before striking again. His friend blocked the blow with ease, but Ben could feel his strength fading.
Tai continued to throw speeches at him as they fought, wielding lies over how Ben could simply just come home. As if it were that simple. As if the world would suddenly forgive his dark lineage.
"However deep you think you are, I promise you, there's deeper yet," Tai groaned as he blocked another blow. "You're acting like you don't have control, when every single step you take is your own choice."
"Choice?! I have no choice and never did. Even my name isn't a choice! The dark side and the light both claimed me for their own the moment I was born!" Ben growled, releasing every ounce of pain that had been growing since birth. "Do you know how that feels?!"
His saber hissed as he struck an even stronger blow, growing as fierce as his emotion.
"Whether it's Luke Skywalker or Snoke, neither one sees me as a person. I'm just a… legacy. Just a set of expectations!"
Tai continued his battle, wasting every breath seeking his friend's return. But Ben knew all too well that there was no going back. The world saw him as Vader's spawn and even his own parents feared their own son. Even Luke Skywalker, the brave Grand Master and savior of the Galaxy, had been afraid of his own nephew. Ben's eyes blurred with moisture and he quickly moved to strike, knocking the saber from Tai's hand. With a howl, his friend fell to his knees in defeat.
"Kill me if you have to, Ben. Or don't." There were tears in his eyes as he looked up to Ben, begging with every ounce of strength left for him to turn. The broken voice softened him and against his better judgment, Ben disabled his own saber. "Be the man I know you are. Be who you…"
A terrible crack filled the cavern and Ben flinched as Tai's neck was twisted unnaturally. He couldn't reach, he didn't even have the time to call out to his friend. Tai's neck snapped as he fell to the ground lifeless. It took a moment for Ben to manage to unclench his body before turning to find Lord Ren with a fist clenched in the air.
"You killed Tai," Ben spoke evenly.
"I sure did. Snoke was completely wrong about you. You're fighting this every step of the way," Ren groaned in disgust. Ben felt his fists begin to clench.
"You think so?" Ben retorted.
"You don't want to live in the shadow," Ren lifted his red saber.
"True," Ben summoned Tai's fallen weapon behind his back. Welcoming the rage and darkness he'd been fighting for so long. Too long. "I am the shadow!"
Rey pulled from Ben's mind with a start. Tears trailed along her cheeks as her chest heaved from the pain that his memories had wrought. Ben's eyes were closed. If not for a tear of his own sliding silently along his skin, she would have thought the experience held no effect on him. Seconds passed before her labored breaths began to calm as the agony of Ben's emotions faded from her own heart.
"I couldn't go home," he answered the question that Rey had forgotten she had even asked. "They were all afraid of me. Even my own mother."
Shame took hold and she relented the anger that she had thrown at him so unfairly. A part of her wanted to deny it, to insist that his family could never possibly fear their own child. And yet, there was no lie in his sullen voice nor had there been any in his memories.
"I'm sorry," Rey whispered.
It was unfair, Rey thought to herself, it was all so unfair. How had everything gone so wrong for one man? A man who fought against a terrible darkness all alone for so long. For an awful moment, Rey felt disgusted with her former mentors. Both Han and Leia had been so supportive in her journey, how had they failed their son so blatantly?
"I didn't realize having a family could be so lonely," she said sadly.
Ben inhaled sharply, releasing his breath slowly. When he finally opened his eyes, Rey had to refrain from reaching out to wipe away his tears. Would he welcome such a thing?
"They did what they could," he answered bitterly.
With a heavy sigh, Ben turned his tearful gaze to the sky. Rey allowed her eyes to linger as he sat in the moon's light. A dark patch of hair covered his normally smooth chin and his hair was cropped just enough to reach the tips of his ears. He was handsome, she thought, but she despised that frown he wore far too often. In a fleeting moment, she very nearly reached for him. Wanting nothing more than to pull him to her like she had once before, desperate to see that smile that this broken man deserved to wear.
The first time Ben stepped out of his cell with his new look, Poe had been the first to chastise the change. A haircut doesn't change who you are, monster, he had spat. To Ben's credit, he offered no expression of retaliation. Rey, however, knew how disappointed he was to be immediately met with thatclaim.
It had taken two weeks for Rey to pry an answer from him as to why he requested Maz so frequently to trim his dark locks. The action, bordering on obsession, had been a feeble attempt to bury the image of Kylo Ren. A task that they both learned would not be so easily accomplished.
"I wish I could have been there for you," she broke the silence.
"You would have hated me," he stated evenly. "I wasn't exactly a pleasant person to be around."
Rey nearly snorted.
"You think I was? I nearly killed a man for trying to sneak some spark plugs off my territory. Though I felt bad for it afterwards." The scavenger shivered at the very thought of what her life had been. The savagery of the desert would never be missed.
"I think you and Voe would have liked each other," Ben mused aloud.
A curious wonder churned a terrible fire in her chest and Rey had to bite her tongue to refrain from asking what the girl had meant to him. It was stupid, she had no claim over Ben. And yet, a cruel batch of jealousy brewed against her own wisdom. Voe had been there to defend him when Rey could not, but the girl had also been one to push him towards the dark.
"Why do you say that?" Rey tried to speak naturally.
"She had the same fiery spirit as you do," Ben answered with a light chuckle.
"I'm not sure how to take that information," Rey muttered playfully.
"I assure you, I mean it as a compliment."
"Well, as long as you do," Rey smirked.
Ben finally relaxed his muscles, falling deeper into the cushions of the sofa. The dip in the seat forced her body closer and she tensed when the edge of her arm brushed his own. He was warm, so very warm. The heat crawled through her whole body and not even her heart was free from reacting. Rey kept her gaze at the stars now, trying not to think of how easy it would be to let her head fall just a few inches to rest against the warm mass beside her. The very thought sent a chill through her spine.
"Why did you want to see your mother?" Rey asked before realizing the stupidity of such a question. The sofa dipped with his sigh.
"I haven't seen her since she…" Ben paused. The words remained unspoken, but Rey knew he was reliving that terrible moment. She nodded in silence, with her own eyes warming at the memory of feeling Leia's death. "There's so much memory here."
"Were there any good memories?" Rey asked.
Ben turned his gaze to her, blinking away a haze. When the silence grew too long, she thought he would deny her an answer. However, a moment later, his eyes returned to the stars.
"My dad once wanted to surprise Mom for her birthday. We ended up nearly burning the kitchen down. That was the only time they laughed that much," he answered quietly. "Chewie taught me how to shoot my first blaster right over there. He took the blame for the time I blew a hole in dad's speeder. When I was really young, mom would let me sleep in between them. Those were the only nights Snoke couldn't reach me."
Rey wasn't sure he remembered she was even there as his whisper trailed into nothing. She wondered if she should let him stay there lost to his own mind, but in the end her curiosity willed her to press further.
"Did she know that Snoke was speaking to you?" Rey spoke quietly, wondering how close she was to crossing the line. Knowing that at any moment he might retreat by sealing his heart again.
"I never told them," Ben shrugged. "They were already afraid of me. I didn't want to give them more reason to be. Not that it mattered, in the end they sent me away anyways."
"What would you say to her now?" Rey pressed gently. A long silence drifted between them and just when Rey believed he was refusing to answer, she felt him shiver. When his eyes closed tightly and his shaking body betrayed him, Rey fell against him.
It was difficult to squeeze a hand through his crossed arms, but he softened the moment he felt her touch. Rey couldn't even revel in the heat of his shoulder beneath her cheek, nor the warm arm she cradled in her own as her heart broke for him. The dyad she so desperately wished to seek was as cold as the cuffs on his wrists.
"You don't have to answer," Rey promised quietly. The fingers in her hand tightened as he shook his head.
"I'd tell her that I'm sorry," he paused when his voice cracked. "And that I've missed her every day since…"
His tight grip was almost painful, but she only reciprocated.
"She would say the same," Rey assured softly.
"You sound so certain," he sniffed as subtly as possible.
"She would whisper it every night when she thought no one was listening. She would look out to the stars just as we are now. I think she was hoping that somehow you would hear." Tears filled her eyes as a strange flood of emotion rushed through her heart. The force took hold for a moment, and she knew exactly what Leia would have wanted her to say. "They cared for you so much, Ben. I think she would tell you how sorry she was for ever letting you doubt it."
Rey's head rose and fell with his deep breath as Ben began to settle calmly beside her. His grip relaxed ever so slightly when he realized just how fierce his hold had been. That was when she panicked.
The areas where his body touched hers burned with a heat she had never experienced before, and it was only then that she realized the simple truth; she had no clue what she was doing.
Rey began to fear breathing, for every bit of movement would remind him that she was violating his personal space, a crime that would have resulted in her pummeling the offending target if they had dared such a thing. And yet, she had no desire to leave the warm body beside her. Given the way he still clung to her hand, she only hoped that he felt the same.
Relationships were uncommon on Jakku. Trust was not easily given on such a harsh world and Rey had learned very quickly that the only person she could depend on was herself. Once she had seen two happabores nuzzling their wrinkly skin against one another on a cold night. She half wondered if she should nudge deeper into his shoulder, but quickly decided against it. Ben would likely shy away in repulsion if he knew that for so long the beasts had been her only source of knowledge for affection. It wasn't until the end of the war when at last Finn and Rose committed to one another, that she finally witnessed proper human courtship.
Rey wasn't sure what had compelled her to kiss Ben that day in Exegol. Though she had read about the strange way to show affection, she had never actually seen the action performed. An unbearable heat flooded her cheeks as she could not help but wonder if she had done it wrong. But, he had smiled, hadn't he?
"I never thanked you," he finally broke the silence.
"For what?"
"Healing me," he answered sincerely.
Rey nearly shuttered at the memory.
"I don't deserve thanks. I nearly killed you," she whispered sadly.
Ben's stern gaze could be felt even when her eyes were hidden in the stars.
"I never knew what it felt like before that moment, to not be in pain. You healed more than my wound that day." He spoke firmly, but not unkindly. Rey swallowed again, knowing that they could battle over who had wronged each other the most all day.
"And I never thanked you for saving me," she whispered.
His thumb stroked the side of her hand as he spoke, and her foolish heart acted like it had been set ablaze. Her mind fumbled with the will to say more. They were so close to speaking of it, of the events on Exegol. Just say it. Rey felt herself starting to shiver as her nerves raced out of control.
"Are we ever going to talk about that thing that happened on Exegol?" Rey blurted before her courage faded. Ben tensed beside her.
"A lot of things happened in Exegol," he reminded.
"You know," she cleared her throat anxiously, "that thing that happened after you woke me up."
Ben paused for a moment, before releasing half a breath that Rey decided could be considered a laugh.
"Oh, that thing," he half-smirked. "Are you afraid to use the proper term?"
Rey brought her knees into her chest, hiding her chin deeper into his chest. Embarrassment filled her immediately and she was grateful that the darkness of night hid her blush.
"I had never done that thing before," she finally admitted.
"Really?" He had the nerve to act surprised.
Rey would have chuckled if her throat didn't feel so dry.
"If anyone spoke to you on Jakku for more than a minute, it was assumed they had someone picking your pockets." She shrugged. "Not exactly the kind of place that breeds companionship."
Ben nodded in understanding before returning his stare up ahead. Clearing his throat before speaking.
"I had never done that thing either," he admitted quietly. "Or, well, I suppose technically, but I don't like to count it."
Rey felt her heart fall into her stomach.
"What do you mean?" Rey asked, trying to bury her disappointment.
"I was walking back to my room one night, I guess a group of Padawans were testing each other's bravery. Apparently, I ended up being the dare." He sighed. Rey felt her jaw drop in surprise as she finally lifted her head to see him; almost positive now she could see his blush amidst the darkness. "I would have stopped her if I hadn't been so confused."
"That's awful," she whispered.
"I guess I should give her credit," he scoffed nervously. "There's a reason I was brought up in a dare. I certainly wouldn't have kissed someone like me."
Rey flinched as the term was spoken aloud. The fabric of her garb began to feel course as her fingers continued to fiddle with a loose string. She could only hope that the moonlight didn't reveal the red in her face.
"Did I," she started before the lump in her throat demanded clearing. "Did I do it right?"
Ben shifted more than once, as he no doubt struggled with his own discomfort. On any other occasion, on any other night, she would have felt satisfaction in the power that she held over the man beside her. However, with her heart thundering against her chest, she could feel nothing other than a strange emotion that her mind refused to put a name to.
"I think so," he finally answered.
Rey managed a nod of appreciation that he entertained the childish question. And then, he surprised her once again.
"I wouldn't blame you if you had any regrets," he whispered nervously.
"Why would I regret it?" Her brow furrowed.
Rey felt herself rising and falling with his deep sigh.
"So much had happened and we had been through so much," he spoke quietly. "I wanted to give you a chance to forget it, if that was what you wanted."
Rey finally lifted her head to watch him in disbelief. At long last she had her answer for the distance he had driven between them. And yet, the revelation did nothing but stoke her own irritation.
"You frustrate me, Ben Solo," she stated plainly. Rey felt a swell of satisfaction when she saw him flinch.
"Why?" he had the audacity to ask.
"I came to you every morning and night when they forced you into a cell. I have dedicated every day since we returned to keep your neck off an executioner's block."
"Rey…" he tried to start.
"You think I would do all that for pity?"
Ben sighed, meeting her stern gaze. To her surprise his eyes were soft.
"I'm not used to having someone fight for me," he stated calmly. "I'm used to people giving up on me. Even Snoke was ready to discard me. I was… perplexed when you healed me. I don't know how long I stood staring at the ocean, confused as to why you would heal me after everything I had done. And then Mom… and Dad."
Rey nearly flinched. Han had gone to him? She held her tongue from asking, knowing in time he would share.
"I started to realize that all the voices in my head had been wrong. Telling me that it was too late to go back." He sighed while blinking away a few tears. "It's still not easy. It's hard for me to believe that anyone could feel anything other than disgust towards me."
"Ben…" she began, but a finger came to rest at her lips. The touch was feather light, yet the tender skin burned beneath his fingertip. His fingers trailed along the edge of her chin, until his thumb traced her already flushed cheek.
"It's going to take time, but I'm starting to see that maybe it's possible."
Rey wanted to feel relieved, yet there was still something in his gaze that held her back.
"Then why do you still look so wounded?" Rey asked.
"I don't remember what it's like, to be a friend," he admitted nervously. "I am afraid that I will disappoint you."
Rey wanted to laugh, recalling her own rough beginnings with her now dearest friend. She felt a twinge of embarrassment every time she thought of the first time Finn had encountered her on Jakku, knowing how easily her ill-informed blow could have caused permanent damage. Somehow in the end, she had gained Finn's favor.
"Keep making those brownie things and I think we'll be just fine," she tried to joke. Ben managed half a chuckle.
"Anything you want, sweetheart," he smirked, but when Rey flinched at the term his lips curved downward. "Sorry."
"No, it's all right," Rey stated, but her promise did nothing to lift his frown. "It's just new."
"It was a habit of my father's," he spoke quietly.
"I remember," she nodded with a smile, recalling the stories Leia had been willing to offer about her personal life. "Why do people do that? Call each other names that aren't their own?"
Ben merely shrugged.
"A lot of reasons I guess."
"Finn started calling Rose weird names lately," Rey mused aloud. Hearing the pair coo to one another was a discomfort she had never experienced. Then again, she hadn't felt the same repulsion when Ben had done so.
"That's because he loves her," he pointed.
Rey felt herself freeze.
"Then why would you say it?"
A long silence fell between them. At long last, Rey thought she finally crossed the line that Ben would allow. She half expected him to rise in a hurry to flee from her indirect accusation, but then he spoke at last.
"Rey, I've always loved you," he whispered.
Every inch of her body stilled. Even her heart seemed to stall as the truth of his words washed over her, prodding that unnamed emotion to the point of being unbearable. She supposed she would find out later if the experience could be considered pleasant or not. Ben, on the other hand, looked to her as if he hadn't just dumped a load of fuel on a spark that she never understood until now.
"What?" Rey's breath hitched as her heart began to punish her. Too much, she thought to herself. The emotions were too much.
"Are you okay?" Ben's gaze narrowed in concern.
She had been ready to ask why, why he would bother harboring such a feeling for someone like her. She was the granddaughter of a tyrant and unlike Ben, her own mother and father were no one in the eyes of the Galaxy. She had scarred him and nearly killed him only a year after. Not to mention, no one else had looked upon her with anything above a natural fondness. Never this, never love.
It was then that she realized her body was shivering. Her throat became dry while tears flooded the brim of her eyes. She needed to run, to take her saber and slice through every tree in her path. It was the only thing she knew how to do when her sorrows got the best of her. And yet, it wasn't sorrow that put her in such a state. Even if her limbs could manage any movement, she wanted nothing else but to remain there; to bask in his adoration.
"Can you… say it again?" her gentle sobs were pathetic, yet once again she couldn't find the will to care.
She felt weightless as Ben pulled her effortlessly into his arms, cradling her as if she were a child. She should feel like a child, Rey thought, yet such criticism failed to mount in her weightless mind. Surrounded in a cocoon of warmth her tears burst to the surface as she sobbed weakly into his chest. There was little room to breathe with his large hand holding her face in the crane of his neck, while he graciously whispered sweet promises of devotion into her hair.
Rey thought of all the tear-filled nights spent lying in her dark AT-AT, of all the times she begged for a pair of arms as precious as the ones around her. A silent prayer of thanks slipped into her thoughts to the force, or whatever deity had answered her most desperate plea for so long. Love, Rey thought in disbelief, she was loved.
Time eluded them both as she sat curled in his embrace and she wasn't sure how long it was before her body finally calmed. For so long she existed without the emotion. It had been relatively easy, or at least possible to carry on without that special adoration she had only read about in stories. Now, with her heart soaking in the warmth of it all, she wasn't sure she could ever survive without it again.
"No one's ever said that before," she sniffled quietly. The arms tightened around her as she felt a warm set of lips pressing against the top of her head.
"I'm sure your parents did every day," he promised.
"I can't even remember their names," she whispered sadly before chastising herself for sullying the moment with buried sorrows.
Ben's muscles tensed all around her. The hand at her face tightened, as if she had the will to pull away.
"Your father took the name Davin. Your mother's name was Keera Solana." He answered.
Rey wasn't sure if the aftermath of her breakdown was to blame for her slow mind, but a long moment passed before she finally lifted from his chest, meeting his gaze with wide eyes. In the hint of the moonlight, she could see Ben's shame.
"Palpatine had his son transported to Naboo where he met your mother. They married in secret years later, and you were born on the twenty-fourth day of summer."
"How..?" Rey whispered in disbelief. How could he possibly know?
"I was waiting for the right moment to tell you." He swallowed nervously. "After my first encounter with your grandfather, I started researching. It wasn't easy, your parents covered their tracks well, but we had records that they couldn't destroy."
Rey stared, waiting for her bewildered mind to consume his words. She searched his gaze for any sign of deception, however as usual there was no lie.
"Solana," she tested the name on her own tongue. Her mother's name, her name.
Ben merely nodded before whispering.
"Rey Solana."
After a moment passed, she realized he was staring; nervously waiting for her next words. Rey wanted to smile, knowing that her heart was far too exhausted to take offense at the length of time he had withheld the treasures from her. No, this night would not be tarnished by pain.
"Where is Naboo?"
"The Mid Rim," he answered simply.
"Have you been there?"
Ben nodded in response.
"My mother liked visiting my grandmother's grave, but she always claimed the trip was for politics."
Rey tilted her head in question. Words weren't needed to relay the questions on her mind as Ben continued.
"My grandmother used to be their queen. There she worked alongside your grandfather for years," he answered.
"Can you take me?" She begged in a whisper. Ben's stare fell with his expression as his eyes glazed over the cuffs at his wrist.
"If I'm allowed," he promised.
Rey nodded in understanding. With her heart and body calm at last, the realization of their proximity startled her once more. Her face had only just begun to cool when she recalled her position on his lap, and she blushed even hotter than before. Suddenly, she was conscious of every point of contact between them. In a flush of heat, Rey ducked from his tender gaze.
"I don't know how to do any of this," she whispered. "I don't know how to…"
Rey paused before the word could slip, battling against a swell of anxiety. Why was it so hard to say a simple word? Rey inhaled deeply, trying countless tactics to force the term passed her lips. However, when the courage failed to mount, she met his eyes, hoping they could convey what words could not.
"Neither do I," he admitted quietly. Ben raised a hand before his thumb grazed her cheek. "If you would like, we could figure it out together."
Rey fought the urge to chuckle. It was the only defense she had against the discomfort of hearing such poetry. However, knowing the actions would be misunderstood, she bit her tongue and embraced those strange emotions. Knowing, especially, that she didn't want him to stop.
A simple nod was all that she could manage before dropping from his stare once again. Tolerating vicious glares from fellow scavengers back in the desert had been easy and even the lingering gazes from her friends did not affect her in such a manner. Ben, however, looked with an intensity that could only be worthy of an angel. Rey was no fool to think she resembled a creature so beautiful.
"Tell me what you're thinking?" Ben begged lightly, tilting her chin with a gentle finger. When his gentle eyes were there waiting, she escaped once more by burying her face into his neck.
"I'm not used to any of this," her voice muffled against his skin.
"You think I am?" Ben smirked playfully.
"You act like you are," she countered.
"I've had more experience hiding behind a mask," he whispered at the tip of her ear.
Her body shuttered from his breath against her skin. Rey's grip tightened against his shirt as she felt him retreat and as a silent plea nuzzled deeper into his arms. She wasn't sure how much time had passed as she stayed there, hidden from his wonderful gaze.
There, wrapped in his sanctuary, she found peace at last. Terror fled her heart as it absorbed the new memories that had been made in a short hour. More than once she smiled at the texture of his beard scraping against her forehead. At her back his hand moved slowly along her spine, spurring her courage to seek his gaze once more. Rey's full heart thundered in her chest, but this time she did not shy away from his warm eyes.
Ben's tenderness surprised her. A stark difference from the man she had fought for so long. Where Kylo Ren had been brash for so long, Ben Solo acted as if she were a fragile treasure. She lifted a hand to test the feel of his scruff at her fingers. The intensity of his stare never faltered as they roamed along his cheek. When the bravery she had found on Exegol reached her again, she kissed him.
Rey was almost sure she was dreaming. There was no pain this time, no cold feeling of death lingering to watch them cling to the final strands of life force remaining. There was only warmth and a bliss that she never thought was achievable. Ben was more confident now than with their first, trailing a hand along her back while deepening the touch.
The crowd roared in the distance and Rey felt a great relief that she had chosen to retire for the night early. Her heart dipped at the very thought that she could have been deprived of this great gift had she stayed. When they finally parted, she traced his wondrous smile with the tip of her thumb.
Once again, she came to rest her head on his chest, though this time from exhaustion. She hadn't meant to fall asleep, but the warmth was too great. What felt like a mere moment later, Ben's body began to shift and she felt herself floating through the air.
"Your friends are on their way," he explained when she groaned at the disturbance.
Logically, she knew she should pull away to gather her pack, but her limbs refused to obey. Rey wasn't sure where he was going before feeling the chilly mattress beneath her. A shiver raced through her from the cold before a heap of blankets began to surround her. When she felt the warm arms retreating a hand reached out to stop him.
"Ben?" she croaked. Even half-lucid, she had enough sense not to let him go. Not before she told him.
"Hmm?"
Rey knew that in the morning she would thank her half-lucid self for a bravery she had not been able to achieve all night.
"I love you too," she whispered tiredly.
Rey could hear the hitch in his breath before the room went silent once more. When the moment lingered, Rey could have sworn she had dreamt the admission. Then, she felt his lips at her forehead. Her tired muscles refused her the chance to respond to his touch, but vowed to attend to it in the morning. There was a whisper of goodnight before she felt him fade.
A/N – I hate naming characters, but in early drafts of TFA Keera was originally going to be Rey's name and Solana was Rey's original last name from the Colin Trevorrow Script, so I made her Rey's mother instead. Davin was made up.
I have a mini 3rd chapter idea that might get published for those that would like to follow, but it's up in the air at the moment.
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