Kylo's so cold.
He remembers reading about cultures that, when their sick and elderly got too weak to live, they'd put them out on the ice, so they'd just drift off to sleep in the cold, and end it nice and easy.
Kylo's not sure if he's so damn sick Rey stuck him on an ice floe or not. That would require opening his eyes, and he doesn't want to do that.
He is sure he's cold.
Except for the part that's not cold. His insides are on fire. From the back of his molars to his rectum is a tube of living flame.
He's hit the part where he wouldn't mind that so much, if it would bloody well warm him up.
But it's not.
The third time he cycles through it, he's identified the pattern. He's cold. Bone shaking, muscle shivering, goosebumps on the skin, no amount of heat in the world helps, cold.
And then he's not.
And for a minute that feels really good. He can stretch out a little, and feel how sore he is, and how everything aches, but at least he's not cold.
For a minute.
And then everything in his body, and by the third time, the correct answer is, not all the much, is stampeding out of him.
By the third time he knows he's got to get moving as soon as he begins to feel warm, or else there's going to be a lot of cleaning, and… Well, he'd almost rather feel like this for a full month than have Rey have to clean up after him when he messes himself.
Some things are an insult to even his dignity.
Dry.
So fucking dry.
His mouth has never been this dry.
He got stuck for three days on a Force-damned desert, without his mask, and with one day's worth of water, and he at least still had a damp tongue when he finally got off.
When he was with Luke, he got a cold so bad he couldn't breathe through his nose, at all, which meant he had to breathe through his mouth, his lips cracked and bled, his tongue was dry, he felt like he was going to choke every time he closed his mouth, but at least if he closed it, everything got wet again.
His mouth is closed. His body is cold, so, so fucking cold, and that distracts him for… A time… Eventually his mind wanders back to his mouth. That is closed. Because he can breathe through his nose. But his mouth is dry.
He gently touches his tongue with his fingers.
It's dry.
He tries to pull up enough spit to wet his mouth.
Nothing happens.
That's probably not good.
And then he's not cold anymore, but at this point he doesn't bother to move. All he's going to do is spasm and thrash.
Nothing is going to come out.
Warmth and light, and Rey… Rey's here.
He unclenches for a moment, feeling… still horrible, but he's not quite so cold or hurting quite so bad.
He'd be alarmed by that, but… He's warm because she's touching him, not because his body is going to do it's best to excrete his digestive system from both sides simultaneously.
Concern. Rey's worried about him. That's not good, either.
He valiantly attempts to say something like, "I'm fine," but nothing happens. His body won't do it.
He's moving. The blankets are slipping off and the air is assaulting him with razors of ice. She's… lifting him… propping him up… something. His head flops forward in a way he'd find disturbing if he weren't so fucking cold.
"I'm taking you to the Supremacy."
He flails a little at that. The last thing he wants to do is move. Why the hell would she move him? Everything is as bad as it's going to get here, and moving him will just make everything cold and hurt and…
And he's in his bed in his room on the Supremacy, and the sheets are way too fucking cold. They're like being smothered in full body ice, and he hates this, and then for a second he's warm, but… It doesn't matter. He half tries to lurch toward the refresher and just manages to fall out of the bed and that hurts even more, and…
Rey's got him up, in the middle of the bed, petting his hair, making some sort of soft sound. He hears her talking, but can't really track the words.
He's so damn cold, and now some sadist is attempting to pry him out from under the blankets, and is grabbing his arm, and…
Rey's next to him, she's petting his hair and face and making shushing sounds, but he's just so cold.
And then… "Fuck…" grinds out of him. First fully intelligible thing he's said in a while. Something's got his arm, and he's trying to fight it off, but it won't let go, and it hurts, and Rey's still petting him, kissing his forehead, and saying… something, but he can't really follow it.
Whatever it was lets go of his arm, and it's sore, and… tethered… Something stuck a tube in his hand, and… IV… Rey's saying something about he needs fluids, and she's grabbing his hand to keep him from trying to yank it out, because it's so fucking cold and it hurts and he hurts and…
Everything is heavy and tired and cold and…
And…
Humming.
He's tired and sick and hurts and… small…
Jostling.
His face is against a warm shoulder, and his body held…
"Mama…"
"Shhh…" Rocking… soft, gentle rocking… "Just sleep, Ben, you'll feel better soon."
He's so tired. He drifts against his mother's shoulder, feeling her gently rocking him, humming a tune that he knows but can't place. He'd recognize it if he ever heard it again, but… He doesn't know its name.
A hand, warm, solid, on his back. Lips against the top of his head. Low voice. Dad. "How's he doing?"
The feel of his mother's voice against his forehead. "Pretty sad right now. Double ear infection."
"He'll be okay?" Fear in his father's voice. This thing is in his son, and he can't help or take care of it, or… It's in his throat and making his nerves jangle.
"Doc says little kids get them all the time. Give the antis a day or so, and he'll be up and crawling around again." His mother kissing his head. "Tomorrow, sweetie. You'll be feeling better tomorrow."
"Here," Dad's voice. The sensation of motion. A new shoulder and chest, jostling again, settling back. "I've got him. We can spend some quality time together, and you can get a meal without a baby on your chest."
The feel of his mother smiling. She's close. Another kiss on the back of his head. The sense of a kiss for his father.
Han's hand is on his back, stroking gently up and down. "They've got the pro-am pod races going now. Wanna watch them with me?"
He doesn't respond. He does snuggle in closer. There's a sound in the background. Voices, dull, words he doesn't know.
"I used to do that, you know? When I was young. Not young like you are, but… too young. That's why they agreed to let me learn to fly. I had the reflexes for pod racing. What do you think, give it ten or so years, and we'll get a pod, and I'll teach you to race."
He's got the sense of his Dad smirking. Sharing a secret with him.
"Your Mom'll hate it. We won't tell her. Not until you're good at it. That won't take long. She'll fret and worry."
He kisses the top of Ben's head.
I will, too. He doesn't say it, but Kylo feels it.
Cold, sore… The fire inside him seems to be out.
He's a little clearer, maybe.
He's… alone, he thinks. Something is in the room with him, but it's not a person.
He's pretty sure it's not a threat, but if it is… Well, he's in no bloody shape to do anything about it. He's fairly sure he can't even teleport right now if he wanted to.
Beeping. The thing is beeping.
Kylo finally peels an eyelid open, and for a moment everything is a dark blur, but finally his room comes into focus, and… The beeping thing is a med droid, and… It's… changing out his IV.
"Dehydrated?" his voice rasps out of him.
The little droid can't talk, but it does nod.
A moment after that, C8 is standing next to the bed, hovering over him. "Are you awake, sir?"
"Maybe?"
"Then I'll be brief. Mistress Rey brought you here when it became clear you needed more medical attention than she could get you wherever it is you go when you aren't here. You have anti-viral resistant Hiffa virus. The droid is providing you with IV hydration, a mild analgesic, and an anti-emetic."
Kylo doesn't know that word, but he knows what he was doing before, and isn't feeling a need to do now, so he fills in the blank.
He nods, very slowly.
"Mistress Rey tells me this is the third day you've been sick, and apparently Hiffa tends to last for ten days. She comes to see you for an hour or so ever six hours, and should be here in another hour or so."
Kylo nods at that, too. If she's not here, she's probably dealing with all the other sick Maji.
He wants her here.
Wants to be held and comforted.
Everyone else who's sick likely does, too.
He doesn't verbalize that, or try to send it through the Force.
His eyes slip shut, and he slides back to sleep.
He's so cold. Ice on his back, fire on his face… His vision is double and… Cold, so fucking cold. If he lets himself, he can just slip into the cold and never come back… He lies still, waiting.
Be done with his hate and anger and shame and…
It's so fucking cold.
And he hurts so much.
And he can feel her, standing there, saber… the saber that should be his… is in her hand, poised. End it. He's thinking it, but not hard. End the cold and the pain and the shame of it.
End the image burned into the backs of his eyes of Han Solo's last breath.
End it. "Please." He doesn't give it voice, but it slips from between his lips nonetheless.
She's not moving. She should be moving. He's down, on his back, defenseless and…
He opens his eyes; she's just standing there watching him.
She won't strike him unarmed, and down. He's struggling, trying to find a way to get up. His right arm is… wrong. It feels, numb and weak. His face is on fire and numb at the same time, and he doesn't know how that can happen, but at least he can see out of both eyes now. Right leg… if he can get that under him… He shifts a bit and feels his entire left side rip. Chewie's bowcaster. His insides are inside right now only by his will and the Force. Left arm… Right leg, left arm, just sort of… Fuck! She got his left shoulder, he remembers that now, and trying to put any weight on it…
Cold, so fucking cold, he could just lie back and let the cold take him, but… He'll have to face Snoke if he does that, and…
He gets his right leg under him, makes his abs pull him up, ignores the squishing sensation that he's sure is half of his internal organs falling out and collapses back when the ground shakes, roaring, pulling her away from him.
Nothing to be had for it now.
Kylo collapses into the snow, and hopes his eyes don't open again.
Warmth. He's not so cold. Hands… warm hands. Stroking his face. His face that burns numb, except it's not, not now.
She's come back?
Rey didn't come back. Hux and a collection of Stormtroopers found him, and then got him into a medbay where they put him back together.
Soft hands against his hair, petting rhythmically. He's in his bed, not the forest on Starkiller. The cold is in his body, fever burning bright. Not a planet ripping apart.
And Rey came back. It took a while, but…
Stroking his hair, and forehead. It's nice, soothing, and he'd purr a little, but that takes energy, and just lying around, limp, getting petted feels good.
It's… he has no idea… It's a time, he's waking up, again. He's got to be waking up, because Starkiller had to be a dream, but… He blinks a few times.
She's next to him, resting, cuddling him, and he feels the thrum of her Force, just a soft easy glow.
"Hey," her voice is quiet.
"Hi."
"You actually awake?"
"For a minute." Though going back to sleep sounds really good. Peeing and brushing the taste of whatever died in his mouth away does, too. Granted, the energy necessary to get up, walk all five meters to his refresher, take care of himself, and then walk five meters back seems enormous, though.
More cold. Rey's moved. He feels something brush his lip. It's a tube. He sucks gently, realizing that she, or the med droid, has apparently decided he can start taking liquids by mouth again.
It's not water. Or tea. If it's soup, it's awfully bland.
Probably just a sodium-vitamin-calorie-hydration mix.
It's glorious.
She pulls it away after a few sips, and he pouts at that.
"I'll give you more, later, if this stays down."
He makes a small, 'mmm' sort of noise, and then begins the mental gymnastics necessary to get himself into a somewhat seated position.
"Are you getting up?"
"I'm going to attempt it. The IV put liquids back into me, and I really need to get rid of some of them."
She sniggers a bit at that, though he feels a wave of relief through her, and he feels her shifting, hears her feet on the floor, realizes that his plan to get to the refresher might work a little more smoothly if he were to open his eyes.
He does, and by then she's giving him a hand up, careful with his left arm, which still has the IV in it. She doesn't unhook it, and… oh, it floats along. It'll likely just come with them. Right… refresher… and walking. He's looking at his feet, which are not moving forward. Probably because his body weight about twenty million kilos right now, and they aren't designed to move that sort of weight around. Rey gives him a little nudge, and he takes a step, wobbles, and she steadies him.
She does get him to the refresher, and he's feeling awfully embarrassed now. It's not like he's never peed in front of her, but there's his back to her, taking care of things, and there's needing her arm to keep him upright, and…
Apparently he's thinking loudly, because she leans him against the wall, raising the lid of the toilet, pats the seat, and says to him, with a wry cast to her eyes, "You know, I can say, from decades of personal experience, that it works just fine sitting down, too."
He blinks, realizing that's true, and decides that likely would take care of the issue.
And, okay, this time her back's to him. She's apparently decided that he could use some help getting tooth powder on his brush, and a bit of water in the cup so he can rinse his mouth out, but he doesn't mind that at all.
And a few minutes later, back in bed, teeth clean (ish, he's not sure if he scrubbed his teeth so much as just prodded them gently with his brush), mouth tasting like cinnamenthe, bladder empty, he's feeling… well, not good. Not even remotely good, he's shivering like a newborn colt, and everything aches, and the cold is coming back with a vengeance, but content and well-cared for.
He drifts off to sleep easy. And doesn't dream.
Nervous. Rey is nervous about something. A lot. A distressed, sick-making sort of nervous. Which, in any other situation, would cause him to bolt upright and out of bed and demand that whatever is bothering her stop bothering her or he's going to have stern talking to it, likely with a lit light saber.
But she doesn't want him to notice. She's terrified of waking him up. Enough so that she's not aware of the fact that he is awake… Granted, he's not entirely sure if he's awake, too. He almost twitches a bit when he attempts to intentionally move, and comes to the conclusion that his brain may be up, but his body hasn't followed suit, yet.
That's distracting for a while, then he gets hit with another wave of distressed Rey emotions, and his focus snaps (as much as it can) back onto her.
It's… something to do with him, and… shit… He's not getting worse. He's pretty sure of that. He'd been awake and staring at nothing for… a while. And he's only thrown up twice (today?), and the other end of him is behaving, which he's appreciating, so…
She's behind him, snuggling close, trying not to project, and… Failing.
She's really distressed, and getting up and leaving… He hears his refresher door open and shut.
Kylo doesn't want her to leave, because… she's his and she's hurting, and even if he can't do shit about why she's hurting, she should at least be near him when she's distressed, but… He pushes himself up, making his body obey his mind, and is working on making himself get out of bed when he hears the clicking of metal feet on the floor.
"I would advise against that, sir."
"C8?" His eyes peel open slowly, and he focuses on the droid, "What… You'd tell me if it was important, wouldn't you?"
"I absolutely would. There's nothing you can do about this other than heal up. If Lady Ren wanted you to know, you would."
"That's not comforting."
"I'm sure that's true. It's also not important. She is handling it, and all you can do right now is make it worse. So, go back to sleep. She'll tell you about it when you need to know."
"That really doesn't help." He turns to face the bathroom door, and has just about gotten one foot on the floor when he feels… Luke. "Fuck."
She's talking to Luke. In the shower. Great. He sighs at that, angry, and tired, and… Well, if she's talking to Luke it's probably some shit Luke's good at, like, healing or something, and… Well, there's bloody well nothing he can do to make this better for any of the other Maji…
He groans and flops back onto the bed. Who the fuck is he kidding? He can barely get to the refresher on his own without the adrenaline jolt that goes with being a minute away from puking. "I hate this."
"I know, sir. It's been five days, sir. Hiffa is usually eight to ten days of active illness, followed by several more days of weakness, low energy, and healing up. You should be feeling noticeably better soon."
"Great." Tired. He's so fucking tired. That… conversation… was everything he had.
He's glaring at the universe in general when he falls asleep that time.
Kylo knows he's not tracking time well. He wakes up periodically. For a lot of those wake ups, he ends up sprinting to the refresher, and then crawling back to bed. For some of them, he's just lying there, staring at the stars. Once or twice, he's had a cup of tea, or a bit of hydration solution. Apparently, as long as it's been a few hours since he's thrown up last, they let him have some liquids by mouth. He thinks. He's not sure how the droid decides if he can sip something or not. Honestly, he doesn't much care.
Occasionally, he thinks he's been staring at the stars for a long time, only to realize the stars are in a completely different configuration all of a sudden. He's fairly sure that means he fell asleep while staring, but didn't notice.
So, at first when it feels like it's been a while since he's seen Rey last, he figures that's just his fried time sense.
And goes back to sleep.
But there's this nagging sensation it's been a while. So he rolls over, which makes the med droid fret at him, because he didn't get his arm out from the blanket enough, and he feels the IV tugging, but… eventually, he gets himself on his right side, and locates the chronometer.
04:00. Great. He doesn't know what day it is, or when he last saw Rey, but it's 04:00.
He lays there for a while, not really wanting to expand the energy to roll back over again, and it feels kind of nice to be on his other side.
It's 08:23.
Apparently he fell asleep and woke up again.
14:32.
Sounds… C8, moving through the room. "C8?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Has Rey been by?"
"Of course, sir."
"Damn it." He must have been too deep asleep to notice. But… He's pretty sure he notices when she's here. Even asleep, he feels her nearby. He tries to get a sense of her, but he's too fried for it. "Fuck."
C8 continues to stand there, waiting for whatever it is he needs.
He blinks. "Can I have some tea or something?"
He hears C8 moving around, and opens his eyes again. C8 has a mug of tea for him. "The med droid says it's been more than a full day since you've thrown up. If you want to attempt some mild solid food, we can do that."
Kylo makes himself sit up. That's a significantly longer and more involved process than he'd like, and worse, the blankets slip off his shoulders and chest as he does that.
C8 tucks them back around him, but leaves his left arm free for the tea. Which is annoying because he's a righty and… The IV is in the left hand. Right, that makes some sense. He reaches for the mug, and watches it shake in his grasp. He's mentally cursing everything in the galaxy at the thought that he can't hold a fucking mug of tea without slopping it all over the place.
C8 takes it back, puts the straw in it, and holds it so he can sip it without spilling it. He's also standing there, waiting for Kylo to respond to something.
Food. Right. C8's offered an option beyond the sweet tea he's gingerly sipping. He's… not sure about that. Everything inside him feels tender and fragile, and he's not sure if he wants to attempt to put anything more complicated than sweetened tea in himself. "Maybe later."
"Certainly, sir." C8 puts the mug of tea on the bedside table he didn't have before he got sick, but is now sitting there with his tea… and a few things he can't identify by sight but he assumes have to be for him. Kylo lays back down, and…
19:05. Still no Rey. He's sure of it. By this point, he'd have woken up if she'd been by.
He's in his room, alone. Well, the med droid is just hovering around nearby. "You don't talk, do you?"
It shakes in a way reminiscent of shaking a head no.
"I'm here, sir." C8's voice becomes clear, as his eyes power on the blue glow makes him distinct from the black around him.
"She hasn't been here all day, has she?"
"No, sir."
"Is she sick?"
"No. The Grand Marshall needed her help for a day, and she's providing it."
Kylo blinks at that. He can't, for the life of him, figure out what Kinear would need Rey for, let alone for a full day, but… "What is going on? Where is she?"
"It was decided that your… settlement… is woefully understaffed in regards to medical facilities. She and the Grand Marshall are overseeing rectifying that."
Kylo blinks. "Oh." Well, that's something he'd be completely useless at setting up, especially right now, and… He's not feeling like bringing Kinear to Lirium is the best idea ever, but… Wait… Jon. "Is the Grand Marshall, Jon?"
"Yes, sir."
"Oh. Okay." He feels like there's something important about what's been said to him, but he can't find it amid the scattered brain of his illness. "She's getting help to deal with everyone else?"
"Exactly, sir."
"That's good." He's almost idly wondering if that means everyone else is getting worse, or if Jon just slapped her upside the back of the head and told her to stop doing everything herself. He rather hopes it's the latter of those options, but… "Do you think she'll be back soon?"
"I imagine you'll see her in a few hours, at the most."
"Good… That's good…" He's tired again. So tired…
Stars. Slowly moving from one side of his view port to the other. Whatever else is happening today The Supremacy appears to be on a standard course.
Rey's in front of him. He blinks at that, not sure if he'd fallen into another dream. She's all dressed up and look really pretty, so if this is a dream, he's rather liking it, but… This one feels real in a way his usual dreams don't.
"Am I dreaming?"
She sits on the bed next to him. "Not this time." Her hands caress his face, and he looks up at her. Then his eyes close, and he relaxes into the touch. Her Force is gently lapping against his, easing all the aches. "Feeling a little better?"
He curls around her. "Now." He nuzzles his cheek against her knee. This fabric feels new. It's soft and smooth, and… some of it's kind of scratchy. He pulls himself up a little to really look at it. There's a lot of embroidery around the edges. "Pretty dress." He kisses it. "Prettier woman under it." He's coming to the conclusion that apparently C8 will lie to him. Or word his answers so carefully as to be right next to lies. He'd likely be more alarmed by this if Rey wasn't petting him. "Something interesting happen?"
"Yeah." She strokes his hair.
He relaxes a bit more, and like every other time he's done that, as soon as he eases off his warding-off-the-cold full body clench, he starts to shiver. "Good interesting?" comes out amid the clacking of his teeth chattering.
"I'll tell you about it when you're feeling better. Right now, I'm going to undress, and then snuggle up with you."
He curls a little tighter in on himself as she gets up. "I'd like that." He knows her skin is going to feel like ice against his fever flushed skin, but it's her ice, and it makes everything else feel better. He's watching her undress. She's so fucking beautiful. The dress is brushing against her skin, and her hair's half down, and… He's just so happy she's back.
"You were gone a long time?"
She gives him a little half smile as she finishes taking down her hair. "Longer than I wanted to be."
"Everything's all right?" He doesn't feel anything wrong per se. He does feel how relieved she is, so… Something she wasn't enjoying just ended, he thinks.
"Yeah. Everything is all right. All you've got to do is lay around and heal right now, baby." She lifts the sheet and slips under the blankets, curling around him.
A contented purr rumbles through Kylo. She's cold, just like he knew she'd be. He snugs himself in close to her. This cold he doesn't hate. "I missed this."
She kisses the back of his neck. "Me, too."