2/10/2
There's this moment where everything shifts. Kylo feels the difference when he wakes up this time.
He's not sick any longer.
He's not tired, either. Weak. Everything feels shaky, but he's not immediately wanting to roll right back over and fall back to sleep.
His head feels clear, he's fairly sure he can track time again, and yes, he's sore, but this is the other side of it. He's done with being in it, and is recovering now.
Which means… It's time he finds out what the hell has happened lately. And, who knows, if he's feeling really frisky maybe he'll put some damn trousers on and go walk around a little, just to do it.
For the first time in much too long, Kylo gets up without having to plan out every move of it ahead of time, and will himself to do it. Stupid little things you take for granted, like your feet going where you put them without having to tell each muscle what to do to get them there.
He's shaky on his feet, but he's standing up, and moving across the room to his wardrobe and, okay, arm's trembling when he reaches out to grab his shorts, but he gets them. He wobbles dangerously on one foot, and decides that maybe today's a good day to put his shorts on sitting down.
It's once he's got the shorts on, and stands up to get his trousers, that he notices that his shorts are… not staying up.
They're his new ones, the white ones that feel really good. A reminder of a very good time on Gidi Prime. He stands and they go galloping toward the floor. He's decent, barely… Okay, probably not. He's never really debated if there's such a thing as too low-waisted shorts, but if there were, this would be it. The only reason his shorts aren't on the floor is that the waistband caught on the base of his shaft.
This would be the point where Kylo really looks at himself. He turns to face the mirror on his wardrobe. And sees the hollows in his face (hiding under what's getting pretty close, at least for him, to a beard), and along his collar bones, and the jut of his hipbones, and-
Oh.
Shit.
Well… He was aware of the fact that he'd gained four or five or so kilos over the last two years. Eating real food, sleeping, doing sit-down work, working out for only an hour or three every other day, letting himself rest between workouts, he'd put on some fat and more muscle, and he was bigger than he'd been during the Snoke days.
Healthy. Rey's never said it, but he's felt her be aware of it. He looks… looked… healthy. He knows he feels that way about the few kilos she's put on, too. It makes him uncomfortable to think of the marks of starvation on her body, and… He wasn't starving, not for food, but he knows she feels the same way about the marks working for Snoke left on him.
Judging by where his shorts are hanging, he's lost that weight, now. Probably a bit more on top of that. He pulls them off.
He shuffles through his drawers and finds an old pair of pajama pants. From the Snoke days. From when he used to sleep in pajamas. Well, sit or lay in pajamas and 'meditate' and occasionally drop into a blasted, withered vaguely sleep-like trance for a few hours.
They're loose, too, but not as badly. And they have a drawstring. He gives it a yank and ties it.
Apparently, an all liquid, mostly hydration solution diet was not particularly good for him. Nothing to be done for it but keep eating real food. Which he intends to do some more of, soon. He grabs one of his sweaters, and it's looser than he remembers, too, but that's not nearly as much of an issue.
Hey, he thinks to Rey.
You're up!
On my own feet, for the moment.
He can feel her smiling at him.
Busy?
Yes, actually. Chewie and Paige just got back. He's also got some extra gear, and there are only a few of us in any shape to unpack who aren't glued to their daughter, so...
There's not going to be another cooking party, is there?
Not tonight, love. I'll be free in an hour or so, see you then?
This time, she feels his smile back at her.
C8's not in his room. He's not sure how it is that whenever he feels like he might need C8 in his room, C8 just sort of appears, but right now he's not in there.
But, right now, he wants to talk to C8, and see something other than this room.
So…
Up, on his feet, the metal floor is unpleasantly cool under them, so he grabs his socks, and at least they have the good manners to stay up on his calves.
And then for the first time in… He reaches over, checks his chrono, which will, if he pushes the right button, display the date instead of the time. He stares at it for a moment in shock, and then winces.
Eleven days. He's been on his ass for eleven days.
He supposes he should be relieved to see that he could get sick for eleven days and not have the entire Order implode on him, but…
Eleven days. He's never not worked for eleven days. Even as a child, he didn't get that long without some sort of lessons.
On top of that, it's not like he's feeling hale and hearty and ready to go take on all comers, yet. He's feeling mostly like walking into his office, and likely staring at the data pads for a few moments, and then seeing if Jon will come tell him what happened.
It's not like he wants to actually do some work. He just doesn't want to sit in bed any longer.
There are things Kylo was expecting when he stepped out of his room and into his office. C8, his body weight in data pads, likely times three, littering his desk, more reports around his desk, maybe some more work on the conference table. The conference table.
The walls.
To be black.
Because the last time he was in his office, there were datapads all over the place and his walls were black and C8 was in there and right now…
Kylo just looks around and blinks. For a heartbeat there's a really disconcerting sense that he's walked into the wrong room, but that's physically impossible. There are only two doors attached to his room, and the other one leads to the refresher, so…
He, apparently, loudly, thinks WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
Because his office is not black, and there are no datapads on his desk, and, okay, C8 is there, but he's turning around, slowly…
A somewhat timid thought hits the back of his mind. I take it you're in your office, then?
He really doesn't like how uncertain Rey's feeling right now. Yes. Did you… paint my office? And… why are my datapads missing?
I understand they're in the drawers in your desk, and… uh… the space under your desk. And… uh… yes, I did. I mean, not personally, but… Is it okay?
He really hates how nervous she is about this. It's okay, but… I didn't know… Why? He's looking around more, noticing that this is not making her feel better. It looks nice. That eases up the knot in her feelings. I like it. That helps more. I kept saying I was going to do something like this, but…
I know. I wouldn't have done it otherwise.
He's nodding slowly. So… Uh…
Baby, I love you, but… I really need to get this done before I can talk. Can you wait a bit?
Right, you're unpacking. Uh… Yeah. I can wait. Maybe talk to Jon.
I bet he'd like that. And, talk to C8 about Jon, too. I'll be there soon.
Okay. He turns to C8. "So… Gray?"
"Lady Ren requested it."
Kylo goes over to his desk, sits down, notices the spot under his desk where his knees usually go is filled with pads. He pulls open a drawer, and sees it's stuffed with datapads. He starts to pull them out, but gets tired long before he's done with the second drawer, so he settles for glaring at them.
C8 comes over and starts to put them on rather than under and in his desk. "We thought, given how many people were going to be meeting in here, that having your datapads tucked away would be a good plan."
"Oh." He's glaring at the stacks getting higher and higher when Lady Ren goes wiggling through his mind. Is that how C8 refers to Rey? Does C8 refer to Rey? He tries to remember if the two of them have ever spoken about her before he got sick. C8 was calling her Lady Ren, then, but… Kylo figures he must have spoken to C8 about her before then, but… He wouldn't call her Lady Ren to C8.
Then given how many people… Rey's brushing him off. Yes, it's clear she genuinely does have something else she's supposed to be doing, but… Something happened, and she's not exactly comfortable talking about it.
He looks over to C8. "So… I got sick, and…" he gestures to the walls, "Rey decided a little decorating was in order?"
"Not exactly."
His eyes narrow. "Ah. She tells me I should talk to you about Jon, too."
"I believe she has already given me all the orders I need in regards to the Grand Marshall."
He blinks at that. The Grand Marshall… Because, last he checked, Jon was not, officially, the Grand Marshall, yet, because, officially, he was still taking advantage of not being that easy to noticed. "You called him that when… the day Rey didn't visit."
"Yes."
He blinks again. Lady Ren gave C8 orders, concerning the Grand Marshall. Something massively shifted while he was out of it. For a heartbeat, he's feeling Han telling the story of how he vanished from time for three years, and the feeling of the entire universe being upside down when he came back.
His eyes are so narrow he can see his eyelashes right now. He makes himself stop that. "C8, if you were human I'd say you're lying to me, or at least being so circumspect in your 'truthful' answers as to be basically the same thing. Why?"
"Absolutely no one, myself included, thought it was a good idea to give you information that might make you want to get out of bed a minute sooner than you did. The med droid was clear in saying that the only thing you needed to be doing was resting, so I carefully chose my responses to encourage that, because physically restraining you would have been uncomfortable, for you."
He glares at C8. First and foremost because, unfortunately, C8 likely could have restrained him while he was sick. Secondly, because the nerf is right. He would have tried to get up if he knew… Knew what? He's still not sure what happened this last week. He knows there were things on his calendar, but… But, that bastard is still doing it.
"All right. So, why are you still doing it? I'm up. If the med droid is still in my room, it's hiding. I'm theoretically Hiffa free, but I'm fairly sure you're still skirting the questions I'm asking. So, what happened? Start at me telling you I wanted a pile of blankets and food," which, unfortunately, is his last really clear memory that doesn't involve wishing he could abandon his body for a while, "and finish with me looking around this room and scowling at the datapads."
So C8 does.
C8's just getting to the part where Schiff's having engineering quarantining different sections of the air cycling system in an effort to get the cyanide tanks out without killing the ship as a whole when Rey appears in his office.
He glances away from C8, who stops talking when Rey appears, and says, dryly, "I take it, it wasn't an uneventful week."
Rey sighs a bit. "No. Most of it was nursing and cleaning, at least on my part, but a few days there were pretty intense."
Kylo raises an eyebrow. "C8 hasn't told me, yet, about the parts with you." Then he looks around. "Other than the most obvious bit."
"Oh." Now she's looking at C8. "Wait, what else was going on?"
"Nothing that Grand Marshall Kinear and Grand Admiral Schiff couldn't handle."
Rey opens and closes her mouth, and then says, "Is that why we had nothing besides the K'Aran Delegation to deal with."
Kylo full body winces besides her. "The K'Arans. That was… Shit!"
"Jon, Poe, and Threepio, and I took care of it," she says, stroking his hand.
"Exactly, Lady Ren. As soon as I knew Master Ren wasn't in any position to deal with the Order, I shifted command to the Grand Marshall, and he and Grand Admiral Schiff handled the rest, except for the K'Aran delegation, because as Grand Marshall Kinear said, 'A long time ago, I learned that if Ellie was handling it, all I was going to do was muck it up if I stuck my nose in it.' So he left it to your group."
"Was Ellie handling it?" Kylo asks.
"I think it was mostly Jon, but she was there," Rey says. Though now she's wondering how much was going on outside of her own view.
Kylo nods again, still feeling awhirl in lost details.
Rey looks at him and pets his face. "Come on, let's go home, and we'll talk," then she takes his hand and ports him back to Lirium.
He groans with relief.
Home.
And then starts to fucking shiver, because home is bloody cold and he's in a pair of light PJ pants, socks, and a sweater.
Rey wraps around him, and says, "Or maybe not." And in an instant they're back in his room.
"I missed home."
"I know. But I've spent days watching you shivering miserably, bundled up in every blanket we own, so… Not now. Not when I've got somewhere warm to be with you."
He nods. "Yeah… Okay… Just…" He's looking around. Especially compared to his office… "It's really black, you know?"
Rey laughs at that. "Maybe tomorrow you'll ask for some paint, plant yourself in your office, and let them paint or something in here."
"Is that all it took?"
"Yeah… Jon was redoing the thro—courtyard."
He sighs. "K'Aran delegation, start at the beginning, okay?"
"Okay." She gestures to their bed, and he gets in, sitting up against the headboard, and she snuggles in against him, head on his chest. For a moment, she's quiet, just listening to the thud of his heart and the whoosh of his breath. She kisses his chest. "I… knew you were going to get better. I wasn't scared about that, but…" she holds him tightly, and then sighs, deeply.
He kisses the crown of her head.
Then she sits up. "Food. We're going to want to eat."
"It's that long of a story?"
"And then some." She taps her comm.
"You've got a comm."
"I've got a comm."
And then she orders supper from the kitchens. Kylo watches her do it, and then realizes that if she's got a comm linked into the system, and can order from it… "You've got a formal ID on this ship now, too?"
"Yeah. C8 tells me I've got access to everything on the ship you do."
"This is a really long story, isn't it?"
She nods. Then she starts to tell the story. She's gotten to the point where Jon is explaining to her that he needs Lady Ren, and will trade her Lady Ren for every piece of medical equipment she could have ever wanted when Kylo breaks in with, "You took my meetings for me?" he's so excited and pleased by that it's practically quivering off of him.
Rey nods, then rolls her eyes some. "Got fancied up, put on my best Lady Rey costume, tried my best at problem solving, maybe made the situation better, probably didn't make it worse, beat some idiots within a centimeter of sense, but…"
"Wait," she'd been leaning against him, head on his chest, but he wants eye contact for this, so he shifts them around a bit, "were you beating on them in the pretty dress?" He loves the idea of that. Though he's rather confused why she was getting into fights.
"No. Just a shirt and trousers for the fight. The K'Arans. They wanted strength and power which to them means muscle, and the two idiot grandsons needed some way to prove to themselves and their grandfather who was better, and…" She sighs again. "K'Ahuana is timid but smart. He takes the time to think, but doubts his instincts, so he dithers until the moment past when he needs to make the decision. K'Oanan is a walking shaft. Not a gram of brain anywhere in his head. But, he's willing to make decisions. Poe and the rest of them basically take the point of view that better the occasional wrong decision than no decision at all."
Kylo nods at that. "Maybe?"
"Yeah, maybe. But they're also pretty sure that K'Ahuana will stick around and help out if K'Oanan gets the win, but K'Oanan will bugger off if K'Ahunah gets it."
"And that's a bad thing?"
Rey shrugs. "At this point I'm fairly sure that the universe in general will be better off if K'Oanan buggers off into oblivion, but—"
Kylo's eyes are narrow, and she can feel anger pouring off of him. Rey generally likes people. Or at least tolerates them. If she's this angry at the man… "What did he try to do to you?"
"I told you, walking shaft. Fucking cajoolie." She can feel he's just too damn tired and weak to get as angry about this as he'd like to, but he's not, by any stretch calm.
He catches the feelings behind those words, and, "Did he touch you?" slithers out. His voice is quiet, likely because he's conserving energy for when he gives the order to find K'Oanan so he can personally rip his cajoolies off with his bare hands and present them to Rey as some sort of gift for doing his job for him.
"You know that little hand squeeze thing people do?"
He nods.
"K'Ahuana greeted me first, and he kissed the back of my hand. Apparently that's… polite but maybe a little cheeky. I'm an apparently single woman, and they're men, and in their culture that means I'm free prey or something."
Kylo's having a fairly intense fantasy of blowing their planet up right now.
She strokes his face. Her voice is gentle, but there's some real fear behind it. "Hey, none of that."
"I'm not actually going to do it." He doesn't like the feel of her fear. He likes the sense that she doesn't want to manage him on top of her own feelings about this even less, because if she's worried about having to manage him… That means this story's just going to get worse from here.
"Good."
He feels the relief she's somewhat ashamed of right now. She's afraid he might do it. Glad he won't. Worried that it might get worse. Kylo's not sure what to do with that. Especially the worse bit. He's probably a bit more defensive than strictly necessary when he says, "I'm allowed to enjoy thinking about it, though. He just… put his mouth on you."
"Does that bother you?"
Kylo's got to think about that. He's usually not bothered when people do the little hand holding game with Rey. He watched what felt like a million of them do it at the First Night party. And as he thinks about it, he knows that some cultures do kiss hands, and… Jon's kissed Rey's cheek, and that didn't bother him at all. So… If it'd just been that… A pleasant greeting… No, it wouldn't have bothered him. But this… does. Because it bothers her. "It feels like it bothered you."
Rey looks ambivalent. He can feel her sorting the emotions of different bits of that day out from each other. "It mostly just surprised me. He kissed my hand, blushed, let go, and stepped back, wouldn't meet my gaze. That's about as bold and decisive as he got. It… bothers me because of what it opened the door to."
"The brother?" Kylo's voice is dark.
"He wasn't about to be out cheeked by his brother, so he took my hand, flipped it over, and then licked my wrist and propositioned me."
Kylo holds her tight, closes his eyes, and breathes deeply and slowly, because he's fairly sure that it really is inappropriate to kill a man for licking his wife. Or, at least, Rey would disapprove.
"I don't want him dead," Rey says.
Kylo understands to mean, do not kill this man. And she's still nervous about worse. He really doesn't like that. If there's worse hiding in this story… Calm. She doesn't want to have to manage his emotions, too, which means he needs to take care of them… Another long, slow breath. "Really?"
She rolls her eyes. "Okay, yeah, I want him dead. I still think it's wrong."
"Fine. I'm not killing him." Buggered if he knows why though. You lick a woman without her permission, some bad shit should come your way and stomp your spine through your skull, and Kylo's perfectly happy to fill the role of bad shit. But it's clear that she's really worried that he might actually do it, and… "I won't. But you hit him, right? A lot? He didn't walk out of that room, did he?"
"I did hit him. A lot. He did walk out of that room, but he was bleeding, and when we fought, they had to carry him out."
Kylo's eyes are savage, though there's a very cold, dark smile on his face. "Good." Then he thinks a little more about it. "I don't suppose you recorded beating the shit out of the guy."
"Actually, we did. The idea was that they'd…" She rolls her eyes. "I was hoping, I could fight them each one on one, and beat them both, and then fight them two on one, and they'd win together, and we could use that to show them they were better off with both of them ruling."
"Co-regents?"
She shrugs. "Sort of… Maybe… Just… Keeping K'Ahuana in play. If they went with K'Oanan, he'd… get himself killed. Eventually some husband is going to rip his stones off and strangle him after. But by that point, there'll be a wife and a son, and… Whichever warlord she belongs with will end up ruling, so…"
Kylo thinks he gets what Rey was thinking with this. "So, Co-regents, keep the one you think is best for the job in the running, and he eventually takes over on his own? Why not just find for him?"
"Because at that point I wasn't certain K'Oanan was a lost cause. He hadn't yet demonstrated his amazing capacity to not learn from experience. I was thinking that co-regents might also end up in a situation where K'Oanan learns something from his brother and doesn't get himself killed before he's thirty."
Killed before thirty is very specific. So are the rest of the things Rey's saying about K'Oanan. "Flash of the future?"
"Yeah. As things stand, it's not going to be pretty for K'Oanan."
Kylo tries to make himself relax, and attempts a joke. "I suppose if someone else is going to kill him, I don't have to."
She snorts at that. "That's a good way to look at it."
He knows Rey's a bigger fan of him using his destructive powers to defend so… Maybe… "Of course, if I do it now, some other person won't have to. Won't have to ever want to."
"Kylo…"
"Just… let me be mad at him. Okay? I promise I won't kill the guy."
She shrugs a bit, playing it lighter than she's feeling it. "You wanting to kill people for me makes me nervous."
Unspoken is the fact that they both remember the times he's done it.
He half-inclines his head, and then squeezes her hand, and says, "I know."
She nods to him, understanding all the things he isn't saying right now, and kisses him again. "I know." She kisses him one more time. "Why do you want to know if we recorded it?"
"Well since you don't want me to lay hands on him, I wouldn't mind, at all, watching you beat the shit out of the guy."
Rey thinks about that for a moment. Then she thinks about how K'Oanan responded to her beating the shit out of him. And the things he said to her. And that Kylo won't kill this man, knowing what he knows now, because it'll make her unhappy, but she's not entirely sure if that will be true if he watches the whole thing. "Uh… You probably shouldn't watch it."
His voice is very dark and cold when he says, "Why?" He doesn't have to. He caught the image of what she didn't exactly think he needed to see. Still, this feels like the sort of thing where actually talking, with their voices, matters.
"Did you… uh… know that some guys get hard when you hit them?"
Yeah, that's what he thought he'd caught out of her mind. He makes his rage cool. Makes it curl into a little ball, deep in the back of his head, so he can sit here and talk to her, instead of running off and ripping this… thing… into pieces with his bare hands.
Rey shivers at his enjoyment at that idea, and that…
He stuffs the rage, further, deeper back. Here, now, with her, talking. Just talking. Maybe… talking will help with wanting to do it. "I swear to the fucking Force, the husband that's going to kill this guy is me."
"Kylo."
He glares at her. "Look, I won't actually do it, I promise you. I won't. I will control myself on this one. But I don't know why you think it's inappropriate. We're not talking about people who happen to be located geographically near where something bad happened to you a decade earlier. This is me wanting to kill someone who has directly… Directly…" He's not sure how to phrase what happened. "I'm allowed to get angry at this, and enjoy fantasizing about seriously hurting this guy. This fucker's… drooling all over you, touching you without your permission, and then you smack him with a staff, and he gets a stand from it?"
"Yes."
"You're verbally telling him no. You're hitting him with a staff. I can't imagine your Force wasn't saying no, too, and he's tenting his trousers?"
"Yeah."
He rubs his forehead, and takes a moment to stare at the ceiling of his room, thinking that maybe being barely conscious may have had some upsides. That's not helping. Putting it into words, both for himself, and her, likely will. "I'm trying, very hard, to make you want to do this. To have being Lady Ren an enjoyable and fun sort of thing for you, because I want you to want to do this with me, and this fucker's tuffing that over sideways as hard as he can, while, also, apparently, attempting to tuff you, with or without your consent, so why, exactly, do you think me, or you, killing him is inappropriate? You asked-told me to kill the trainer who was abusing the trainees. How is this guy different?"
Rey's got to think about that for a moment. There's got to be a reason why, beyond just, it doesn't feel like it warrants it. Maybe? Finally, she says, "Mostly, he was just annoying me. I wasn't hurt or damaged, just… angry. He… didn't have power over me, and he wasn't abusing it. My life and success weren't in his hands. He was… young and angry and stupid, and… I'm not sure he's got to die for that. Plus, he already lost his crown through that, how much more punishing does he need for pissing me off?"
Kylo doesn't respond verbally, but it's clear he's thinking that K'Oanan needs a whole lot of punishing, and not the kind that leaves wet spots on his trousers because he's enjoying it.
Then he's quiet for a moment while C8 brings supper in. It's noodles in broth, rich and salty, with veg and little meatballs, and crackers floating on top of it, and Kylo feels his mouth water at the smell of it.
His stomach growls.
Rey gives him a half smile. "Come on, eating while we talk."
There's a few quiet moments while they both eat, and for a moment, he's almost distracted by how good real food tastes, almost. But then he's paying attention to her again. "I feel like… asking you to do this… It's a big favor, okay? You don't really want to do it, and… You didn't sign up to do this with me. So, I'm grateful that you're doing it. But… When cajoolies go out of their way to make you doing this for me difficult, I want to hurt them for it. A lot. In many different ways."
She half smiles at that, and picks up his hand, resting it against her cheek, and nuzzling into it.
He's gazing at her. "Actually, I pretty much want to hurt people who annoy you just as a matter of principal, but, especially if it's because of something you're doing for me…"
She kisses the meat at the base of his thumb. "If we do this… together… It's going to happen, a lot."
He glares a little at that. And then catches a thought from her. "Homebody?"
She rolls her eyes. "Brother the first, the walking shaft, was propositioning me right and left, and wouldn't take no for an answer. I got the sense he rarely got told no, about anything, and considered it very important to show that he'd overcome my 'no.' He'd be the kind of King who would always get what he, or his people, want or need. Brother the second…" She nods to the flower on the table. "He got stupid in a different direction." Rey starts to tell Kylo about K'Ahuana, and gets to him offering her the flower. They eat during that story, and Kylo's a lot calmer about this one. Granted, he's not exactly unsympathetic with people falling in love with Rey, though he, too, wishes that twit had had the good sense to just moon over her in private. Finally, Rey gets to, "He was explaining why I should go with him, and how I'd never have to do any of this if I didn't want to, and…"
She's looking down at her bowl of soup.
"And this isn't easy, and I don't enjoy it, but… that's not entirely true… I mean, parts of it were good. The K'Aar left here feeling settled and safe, and that matters. That was good, and I think… I think I got a better solution than we would have had otherwise, because… K'Oanan wouldn't have shown who he really was to another man. But getting there… Every minute I'm terrified of fucking it up and making things harder for you, but… I don't like the idea that this is some sort of favor I do for you. And I don't like the idea that you're off stuck with this massive job with no one guarding your back. You… need an Ellie. Someone who's as invested in this as you are, who's playing the game and keeping the board and the players in view or it doesn't work… And… he's standing there, talking to me about how I don't have to ever step out of my familiar rut, how I never have to challenge my light…"
Kylo looks curious about that. Curious about all of this, but Rey's mind is still somewhat scattered, so he's scattered, too, but talking about it as a light/dark thing really has his attention.
"He wasn't talking about it like that. He doesn't have my… our… understanding of Light and Dark, but… That's my life, isn't it? Getting stuck in the familiar and never budging out of it? Placid and still and… content, maybe. Light… But not light that leads to anywhere or grows anything new. The light of the vacuum of space, sterile, where once something is on a course it just stays put. And he was offering me that. Go with him, and live in fairly nice luxury, and never, ever have to do anything even vaguely uncomfortable again."
Kylo's not entirely certain what to do with that, but… It's at least more comfortable than wanting to kill people and knowing he shouldn't. "Okay, not that I'm, in any way, suggesting that I'm remotely in favor of you leaving me, but… I think you've had enough shit in your life that if you want something familiar and comfortable, that's okay. And, like I've said, I want you doing this, but I'm not just here on my own. I've got Jon, and, literally, Ellie, watching my back, so if you don't want-"
Rey rolls her eyes a little, and leans over, kisses Kylo, about to say something like, 'I love you, too,' but her lips meet his, and his meet hers, and stroke, and suck, and she's moving closer, a lot closer, not breaking the kiss, but finding herself in his lap.
She's breathing hard when she does break the kiss, and he's shaking, slightly, and not from a fever, not this time. Rey licks his lip again, just to do it, savoring the feel of him against her, and the slight roughness of his facial hair. It's likely been two weeks of not shaving so he's got a decent goatee going right now.
"Right, there's this thing we used to do," she says with a huge grin.
He's nodding, hands on her hips, poking her in the belly, and relishing it. "It's been a while, but I think I remember how this works."
"You damn well better."
He grins at her. "Meaningful conversation about this last week tabled for later?"
She rocks her hips against his. He groans, loud. She sucks kisses against his neck and jaw. "Later."
Normally, he'd just fit his hands around her bum, stand up, and off to bed they'd go. And he tries, because the part of his brain that's aware of anything of his body besides how much his shaft wants to get out of his trousers and into Rey isn't online right now, but…
He can get her ass in his hands just fine. Beyond fine… Shit… That's… so good. She's all soft and warm and fills his hands just perfectly, and she's rocking against him, and he's gripping her, reveling in the feel of her in his hands, and… There was a plan, beyond sit here and enjoy her rocking against him. Right.
Hands… Good, hands are doing what they're supposed to be doing. He gives her another little squeeze because that really feels like something his hands should be doing. She squirms a bit, rocking against his shaft, lifting herself, a little, so she can suck on his earlobe, and Kylo groans, loud, happy, flush with sex and joy.
Push chair back. That… happens. (He's got the suspicion that her Force helped a bit with that.)
And stand up… Shit… No. His knees and thighs are sending some unambiguous messages along the lines of this bloody well isn't going to happen right now.
He groans, long, and loud, and it's not a remotely happy or sexy sound. He should be able to pick Rey up like normal people pick up a stack of datapads. This should take no more thought on his part than a moment of making sure everything is balanced right.
"I hate this!"
She kisses him, gently, gets out of his lap (which he pouts at), and giving him a hand up. "I know, baby. You're getting better. It'll just take time." She smiles at him. "You go lie down, and I'll get on top, and…" her voice trails off, and there's a gleam in her eye.
That does a pretty good job of killing his frustration, or at least banishing it from the front of his mind. After all, it's not like he's adverse to lying on his back and having her ride him.
He doesn't exactly hop into bed, but he does get on it fairly quickly, and gets his clothing off, faster. "What are you going to do when you get on top?" he asks, grinning, as Rey's tossing off her clothing, standing next to the bed.
She leans forward, breasts hanging in his face, and he can't not lean up a bit to kiss and nuzzle them, before flopping back. She kisses his lips, and says, "I haven't fully decided, yet. Any requests?"
He's laying, head back on the pillows, sprawled out, gazing up at her. "Force, what a question… Uh…" She's scooting her leggings down her legs, and he's staring at warm skin, and her mostly naked, and that's pretty much killed every other thought in his head.
She wiggles a little for him. "Just want to watch?"
He thinks the sound he makes is something like a yes, or maybe just a moan, but somehow she's on the bed, standing over him, slowly, so slowly, thumbs hooked in her panties, easing them down her body, and right now she's got the angle so they're still blocking his view of her maomao, and…
And then she's got them off and is kneeling over him, gently stroking them along his chest and… He's biting his lip so hard it's going to bleed and…
"No… None of that…" She's kissing him gently. "No hurting yourself. Just you and I and feeling good, okay?"
"Okay," he pants it. He's so aroused just from seeing and… He feels like his skin is too tight, too hot, flushed and begging for her hands, body, mouth, anything, on him. His hands reach forward, stroking over her hips and belly and breasts, and… "Oh, fuck! Oh…" He's gazing up at her, eyes traveling over every well-loved centimeter of her skin. "I missed you."
She lowers down, laying across him, her body flush to his, both of them reveling in it, kissing him wet and deep, and thinking back, I missed you, too. Another kiss, or maybe just the same kiss, going on and on and on… Tell me what you want, Kylo. I want to hear your voice.
He breaks the kiss, panting, and takes a moment to find words. "Gods… Rey…" She's propped on her elbows chest to chest with him, grinning, eyes gleaming at him.
"Talk to me, love."
"You… On top of me." He swallows, hard. "I want to see you and feel you. Want you to raise up, on your knees, and let me see you slide down my shaft."
She does rise up, straddling his hips, and she reaches down, making sure he's in place, rubbing the tip of him against her a few times, and he sighs, so happy at that, and she moans, softly, because he's in a very good spot right now, circling her pearl with the tip of his shaft, over and over, wet and slick.
"Nothing else looks like that," breathes out of Kylo. Because nothing does. It's so… everything. Her and him, and them together, his body lighting up hers, and hers making his rise harder and fuller. All of that wet, pink flesh gliding over each other.
"Want to see better?" Rey asks.
"Yes!" Half moan, half gasp, all desire.
She scoots one of the pillows behind his head, so he's got an easier view, and then shifts him back, just a bit, and sinks down on him and… He can't keep his eyes open. It feels too good. They slip shut and her body is on his and all of his focus is on the sensation of wet and snug and her… Rey.
She's slowly easing up, and back down again, and it's good…
So good… His eyes slide open so he can watch her, pink and glistening, enveloping him.
Too good… Up and down and both of them wet and gleaming in the soft light of his room.
Done.
Kylo winces. That was… embarrassing really. Way too fast, and… not much build up, and maybe three pulses and… He feels cheated. His traitor shaft leapt over the edge way too damn soon. He wanted his first time with her again to be amazing, and the only amazing thing about that was him setting a new speed record for fastest spurt.
Rey's looking down at him, head cocked. She knows what happened. She likely felt it, too, but… "Really?"
He rolls his eyes, and his head flops back into the pillow. "Really. I…" She snuggles down on him, face on his chest, not pulling off or away, which he appreciates, and also not looking him in the eye, which he also appreciates. "thought I took enough of the edge off earlier, but… I guess not."
That gets her propping up on her arms. "Took the edge off?" She's got an interested and amused look on her face.
He's about to just blast her with the feel of it when he remembers how much she liked the idea of him talking about sex with Jon, and… well, his shaft, stupid bloody traitor, is going to be doing exactly nothing for at least a few minutes, and given how sick he's been, likely longer, so… Maybe she'll like him talking about sex himself.
He gets hit with a wall of approving Rey emotions, so apparently, yes.
"The… thing, you touch, when your finger is in me…"
"The spongy nub?"
"Yeah. Sure. That. If…" he kisses her nose. "You and I… or, I guess, me on my own, have enough sex, it mostly just sits there and does whatever it is it normally does, and it's completely unnoticeable, unless you're petting it."
"Okay."
"If I don't have enough sex, either with you or me, I do start to notice it. And if I go long enough, it gets really sensitive. Feels… urgent and swollen… actually, this is a bad comparison, but it's as close as I've got, it's sort of like having an erection on the inside." He imagines the feel of it, and hits her with that.
"That's… good? Maybe?" Rey asks.
"It can feel pleasurable, but… I don't like what I have to do to get it to feel that way. I like it a lot better when it feels that way because you're playing with it."
"Okay, I can understand that. What's long enough?"
"I start to notice it like three or four days in, and by seven or eight, just squeezing my legs together, or sitting on a hard chair is enough pressure to give myself a stand."
Her brows raise. "I didn't know it… did that."
"No reason for you to know that. Not like, except for the last week, we've ever gone that long without having sex since we've been together."
"And you'd really rather prefer it stayed that way."
"You wouldn't?" He raises an eyebrow, and then realizes he's got no idea how often Rey actually wants to have sex. He doesn't know if his desire is contagious enough that he's setting the schedule for both of them, or if they're just generally in synch on this.
She catches his thought. "I used to do it every day for myself when I was on my own."
"Right."
"And, I'd really rather prefer that we didn't have to go a week or more without sex again, too."
He grins at her.
She kisses his grin. "So, that thing gets swollen and urgent feeling, and…"
"And if I keep not touching myself, usually on night eight or nine I'll go to sleep, have some intense dreams, and wake up glued to my pajamas."
"Oh. You don't have to…"
He shakes his head. "Yeah. My body'll take care of itself if I just let it be. Anyway, yesterday… day before…? Not today. I wake up, and I can feel it, I'm, at most, two naps away from completely wrecking the bedding, so… for a moment, I thought about seeing if you'd come help me out, but then I decided I had to smell like something that died, and…" he rolls his eyes again, "I didn't think I'd make it past ten seconds, so… I took care of myself in the shower, and… I was hoping that by the time I got you in on the party, I'd be able to go for more than two thrusts, but… apparently not."
She's smiling at him. "What'd you do in the shower?"
"Gently stroked it a few times and spurted so hard I thought I was going to pass out. Hot water and not exactly being healed up might have had something to do with the almost passed out part, too."
She laughs at that. "I wish I'd seen."
"You want to watch me touch myself?"
"I want to watch you do… anything you want to do. I like seeing you hot and sexy and spurting."
That makes him grin. And for a moment, they're just lying there, together, happy with one and other, and then a thought hits him. "You didn't have the plague all last week."
"I did not."
"So… did you… take the edge off, for yourself?"
She laughs at that. He's grossly underestimating how hard she was working. She also doesn't think he needs to know that, not really. Not now. "Not at first. Healing, tending to everyone, nursing, getting ready to Queen, Queening… Mostly I was just tired. But, when things calmed down…" she's blushing a little.
She's laying astride him, and he's still inside her. Soft, but snug. He likes the feel of it, warm and comforting. Another idea starts to form. He nudges her a bit, so she's straddling him. Kylo licks his lips. He's seen her touch herself when she rides him sometimes, but he's often so into… all of it, that he's not really watching what she does with herself.
"Show me?" he says.
He doesn't say it, but she can feel him thinking, after all, I'm useless for a while, so you might as well get your spurt, too.
"And watching might help nudge things away from useless?" Rey asks.
He rolls his eyes at that, too. "I hope." He's feeling pretty boneless and limp right now. "No promises. Next week, sure, but…"
She kisses him. "But you're healing."
"Wanna be healed."
"I know." She wriggles a bit on him. "If I move too much, you'll slip out."
"I can live with that."
"Yeah, but I like you inside me."
"And I love being there. But I want to see this, too, so… If I slip out, I'll get back sooner or later."
She kisses him, and then scoots back up, so she's straddling his hips, leaning back a little. "You see everything?"
"Oh yeah…" There's a gleam in his eyes as he's watching her, from face to maomao and back again.
"It's… Not the night after the dinner. I know that. The night after that, or the one after that. I've finally gotten enough sleep I'm not dead on my feet. And the Order thing is done, so I'm not worrying about it. And it's night, and I'm sleepy, sort of, but I'm just not falling asleep.
"You're next to me, completely out of it, breathing deep and easy. Warm and near and—"
"You must really love me."
Rey looks at him curiously. "I do, but…"
"I did my best not to look at myself before I got in the shower, but I've got an idea of how I smelled, so…"
"And now I know what day it was. You'd gotten out of bed long enough to get a shower. I mean, yes, I do love you, but… Yeah, you sort of looked and smelled like something that had drowned in a sewage vat, so I was more than willing to cuddle you, but nothing even remotely sexy was going to happen. But that night, you didn't, and I think we had new sheets, so…"
He giggles at that. "Well, that's the same day I took the edge off so… Yesterday?"
"Probably." She rocks against him a bit. "Day before, actually."
"Okay."
She slips her hands down her body, middle finger resting just slightly above her pearl. "You're sleeping, and I don't want to wake you up. I figured the last thing you needed was interrupted sleep."
"You're welcome to wake me up anytime you like if it involves sex."
She smiles at him. "I'll keep that in mind. Granted, since I know your sleep sex trick, maybe if there's a next time, neither of us will have to wake up."
That's an idea that's never sprouted in Kylo's mind before, but he's certainly willing to see about playing with it in the future. "We'll have to experiment with that."
"We will."
Her hand is just staying still, finger touching, but not moving. "So, it's night, I'm sleeping, and you're… randy?"
"Restless. It's not that distinctly sexual urge you get."
"Okay." He thinks about that. "Do you get randy?"
"The way you do? Rarely. Sometimes, I really want you though, and that's sexual. But if we're not together, I'm unlikely to feel that."
He shifts his hips a bit. Again, wondering how much of what he feels is his own desire reflected back at him through her. "But… you want this, right?"
"Yes!" She leans forward, and kisses him deeply. "I like this a lot. But… I'll feel spikes of it off of you while you're supposed to be doing something else."
He nods. That happens fairly often. At least a few times a day when he's healthy.
"And, when we aren't together… I mean, it happens, but it's rare. But when you're here…" She traces her fingers down his chest, and lays them against her pearl. "And that night, you were here, and smelling good, and the bedding was clean, and I wasn't sleepy, and feeling restless. Eager."
He's grinning at her. "An itch that needed some good scratching."
"Something like that. And, it's silly, but it took a while to remember what I used to do when I'd get restless." Her fingers start a slow, easy, gentle circle over her pearl. "Not wet enough." She holds the fingers out to him, traces them over his lips, and he gets the idea, rapidly, sucking them between his lips and licking them gently.
"Definitely want you good and wet."
She nods. "Everything's better wet."
"I remember saying that to you," he replies, giving her fingers one last, soft lick.
"So do I." Her fingers go back to her pearl, and she moans a little as they slip, wet and slick over her skin. "Much better." She's going slow, and he lets his senses flow into hers, soaking in not just the sight of this, but how it feels. His eyes slip shut again, this time to heighten the feel of her doing it to herself.
"I didn't want to wake you up, so I had to go very slow, and very gentle."
It's a tease. Enough to light her up, perk her interest, not enough to get over the edge. He can feel her body swell, and the soft clench of her maomao on him, and the thrum of her fingers playing herself.
He opens his eyes. "But you wanted to go harder and faster?" His eyes don't leave her fingers and maomao.
"I wanted a lot of things."
He glances up to her eyes, steeping in the way she's looking at him. And maybe random sparks of erotic lust aren't part of her makeup, but right now she's definitely got a come fuck me look in her eyes.
Kylo mentally growls at his traitor shaft, because right now harder and faster and deeper would likely be a world of treat for both of them.
Instead he gently pats the inside of her leg, letting her know to lift up a bit. She raises an eyebrow at him, because he'll slip out if she does that, but he knows that, and nods. He's got… a plan.
Sort of.
She does kneel up, and he does slip out, and then he scoots his hand under her, two fingers pointing up. "These go all night, no matter what."
Rey grins at that, and sinks back down onto his fingers, groaning.
That sound, her voice low and needy, the sight of it, her riding his hand as she fingers herself, that gets a twitch out of his shaft. "Better?" he asks.
"Yes…" Groans out of Rey. "I… needed that. I was thinking about if we had a dildo… And…" Her voice stutters as she rubs over her pearl, and he wiggles his fingers a bit. "Just like that."
He rocks them back and forth inside her. "That?"
"Yeah." Her eyes slip shut, and he basks in the sight of it. Rey, head back, eyes closed, skin flushed, rubbing herself, and riding his hand.
"Fuck, Rey… You look…"
Her eyes slowly open, and she gazes down at him. "Yeah?"
He nods slowly, eyes black in the dim light of his bedroom. "Yeah."
"I was…" She's rocking back and forth on his hand, and he adds a third finger. "Oh… Kylo!"
He's grinning looking up at her, feeling his shaft start to swell again. "I love you."
"Love you!" She rocks up and down, her fingers moving faster. He can feel her body starting to squeeze his and his shaft gives another little swell of interest in that.
His voice is breathy as he asks, "What would you have done if we'd had a dildo?"
"Oh…" She looks startled, not remembering why he's bringing that up, and… "Right…" She licks her lips, panting a bit. "Uh… Was thinking… What if you caught me using it? Laying next to you, rubbing off, slowly, gently, not trying to wake you up, but with it deep in me and—"
He nudges her hand out of the way, so it's his thumb on her jewel, and his fingers in her, and he moves them both very soft, very gentle.
"Probably would have gotten so hard so fast I'd have passed out." He's not quite there, yet. Fuller, thicker, but not yet hard. He lets go of her for a moment, and a few strokes over his shaft with his hand wet from her slick and his spurt does it.
He shifts himself, and she slides down on him, groaning as he fills her, wide and deep.
"There."
"Yeah."
Neither of them knows which one says which.
She's moving fast, chasing her spurt, and he knows he's not going to last long this time either. Just… enough, he hopes.
Kylo doesn't, not really, believe in heaven. And he hopes there's no Hell.
That said, right now, on his back, with Rey straddling him, letting him watch as she rides him… Right now he thinks he's died and gone to heaven.
He's palming her ass, and she's leaning forward a bit as she rocks back and forth, and…
"You're so perfect," he says to her. Each cheek fits in his hand, and she's rocking, fast, breasts brushing over his lips, letting his eyes dance between the view of his shaft in her, or her breasts and face above him, and… "Fuck Rey! I love this and I love you and… Oh, shit! You feel and look so good."
He can feel her grinning.
"You really like to watch."
"Fuck, Rey, YES!"
She uses her Force to shift them a bit so they're facing the mirror on the door of his wardrobe.
He pushes up, leaning back on his elbows, so he can see better.
He's watching her ass. It's soft and giving, bouncy, a glorious bit of jiggle in his palms, with a deeper, firmer core of muscle under…
And the view…
She's spread wide around him, and… nothing else looks like this. Her pink, wet, glistening, and him sliding into her. Her body snug and wrapped around him.
She's rubbing her jewel, keeping herself paced to him right now. He's… almost… He needs to bite his lip, needs a bit of pain to tone him down, but she's already told him no on that… He just wants to slow himself down a little.
Just wants to really feel it.
Rey slows down, moving up and down him in a long shivery rush. Drawing it out for both of them. Her eyes are closed, jaw clenched, and she's breathing hard.
He's watching her, enraptured, eyes wide, body simmering with pleasure. He can't even say it. His voice won't form the words, but his lips move with it, "fuck, love, fuuck" just breath and prayer and holy profanity of pleasure so sharp it can't pass through lips without staining them with the flush of blood.
She's hovering over him, lips a bare caress above his.
Kylo nods, he's good, he doesn't need to string this out any more.
Rey nods, too, catching his lips with hers, breathing in his prayer of thanksgiving and lust, rocking against him faster, harder, taking him deeper, and both of them leap off the edge, landing in a sparkling shatter of a billion mirrors shot through with light.
She collapses against his chest, both of them breathing hard, and twitching gently.
And there are likely things they should say, or think, but… Right now doesn't need that. It just needs them, together. The rest of it will take care of itself, eventually.
And later, for the first time in too damn long, Rey curls herself into the curve of Kylo's chest, his arms around her, and sighs in contentment.
She doesn't have much in the way of ideals of home but this sensation, him around her, his breath against her shoulder, the rightness of her body against his, this encapsulates any ideas of it she does have.
He kisses her shoulder, aware of what she's feeling, holding her a little tighter. I love you. He thinks it and feels it, and lets it purr out of him and steep through her.
He feels it come back to him, her own versions of those feelings cradling him.
And from there, for the first time in a long while, they drift off to sleep, together.