2/16/2
"How'd it go?" Rey asks as Kylo, very carefully, walks into their living room, then she looks up from her datapad, and sees exactly how carefully he's placing his feet, and his current laser focus on the floor so his feet end up where he's trying to put them. "Are you drunk?"
He continues to, very carefully, he wasn't feeling it much when they were talking, but he's certainly feeling it now, walk over to Rey. "Poe says male bonding rituals work better with alcohol." He sits down next to her, and once safely in their chair, in no danger of tripping, he sprawls out.
Rey tries to brush him off, get the worst of the snow off of him, before he melts all over her. "You're covered in snow."
"Walking home took longer than normal."
"Why didn't you port?"
He blinks. Right, he can port. "Because I'm drunk?"
She gets up, and he sags into the spot where she was. A moment later, she's got a big cup of water. He takes it and drinks it down, fast. "Probably two or three more or them before I go to sleep." She gets another one and he sips it.
"So, was it a good 'bonding' experience?" He can feel her light slipping through him, mitigating some of the damage he just did to himself.
Kylo nods, eyes closed, world spinning slightly on the other side of his eyelids. "I think so. At the very least, alcohol kills the part of your brain that knows when to stop talking, so… the kids got some… un-censored advice."
"Like what?"
"Like Poe once slept with a guy who was flexible enough to fuck and suck him at once? And, apparently, there's at least one thing Finn and I agree on."
"What?" Rey asks with a smile.
He giggles. "We both like the view when you're on top."
Rey's laughing at that. "So, he appreciates the jiggling, too."
"Yeah." Kylo keeps thinking. "And… uh… that little thing," he mimics the finger motion he uses to play with it on her, "on the inside, that really likes to get touched, that's a prostate."
"So, you learned some things, too."
"I learned some things, too. My vocabulary is expanding." He's looking up at her, a bit bleary and goofy. "Shag, spend, canoodle, get off, come…"
Rey giggles, and starts to pull off his boots. "And you like that."
"I like that."
"I got one last night. Forgot to mention it. A muff is a tube of fabric, often with a fur lining, that you put your hand in to keep them warm."
It takes him a minute to figure out why she's mentioned that, but when he does, he starts to laugh, rich and long. Then he's quiet, just laying back in the chair, enjoying this, and her trying to get him out of his wet trousers. "This is good."
"Me taking your wet things off?"
"Yeah. You caring enough to do it. You caring… You…" He looks up at her, big dopey smile on his face. "When I was walking home, I was thinking…"
She raises an eyebrow at him, crossing to their bedroom to grab one of the blankets. Right now he's just too big and limp to really pull him out of his wet clothing, so she'll just wrap him up to keep the chill off.
When she's back, and got him cocooned, she say, "Thinking what?"
"About sex… I know, you're shocked." He smiles again. "Elias is just starting out, rolling around and feeling with Magiit. Critt and Savarah are exploring each other. And Finn waited for Rose… And, apparently Poe had a sweetie once upon a time… And, I wish I'd learned it with you. I wish… the first hand that touched me, the first time I spurted with someone else, the first time a mouth closed on me… I wish I had been naked, and in bed or on a beach or in a pool, and wrapped in you."
She cuddles in close to him. "Me, too." She can feel some of his darker experiences, and she wished he hadn't had them, too. She certainly wouldn't think twice about trading hers for learning it with him.
He kisses the top of her hair. "And I wish we'd had something like a normal life, so I could have met you… Somewhere safe. Where I could have taken notice of you because you were warm and beautiful and lovely and you, not just because I felt the map in your head. And I wish I got to Jakku a decade earlier, and gotten you out of there.
"And I wish the first time you'd seen me naked, it would have made you happy. And I wish the first time you'd seen me naked, I'd have been happy.
"And I wish Luke had found you, and brought you to us, and maybe we'd have been thrown out of the Jedi for getting too attached, but we'd have been safe and together and… I don't know, flying around in the Falcon with my Dad and Chewie and running goods from one end of the galaxy to the other. Or maybe you'd be a mechanic somewhere, and I'd be taking her out for maintenance, and I'd see you, working away, and swagger up to you, smile, and say something like, 'Hey beautiful. Can I buy you dinner…" he grins at her, "and breakfast, every day for the rest of our lives?"
That makes her smile. "Ambitious."
"According to Poe, there's something to be said for swaggering over and telling someone exactly what you want."
She laughs a little, at that.
"And I wish the first time a man touched you, it was me, or if not me, then at least someone you wanted to touch you.
"And I wish I could have given you someone unbroken, not covered in scars. Someone whole."
"Okay, we're stopping this now. We've gone from nice fantasies to something… Something I don't like." She holds his face in her hands. "If I'd wanted a smooth and easy light sider, I could have had one."
"Could you? Finn asked me what would happen if things went wrong and you wanted to leave…"
"Stop. Now." She sighs at that. And mentally whaps Finn upside the back of the head with her staff. The last thing she needs is Kylo thinking things like this.
"Sorry… Hard to control, the good and the bad, when I'm drunk."
"How much did you have?"
"I don't know. Poe was pouring. At least two shots, maybe four? I drank the last cup fast." Then he squints in memory. "Then I drank half of Poe's. Might have had a half-decent conversation with Finn though, so… That's something." His eyes close for a moment, and he's just quiet on the chair next to her.
She can feel his thoughts whirling, mostly in directions she doesn't want him going. Time to nudge them.
She hits him with a mental image of her, in brown coveralls, her hair back in a kerchief, deep in the gizzards of the Falcon, working on something, when he comes up to her.
His eyes don't open, but he smiles. Kylo knows what she's doing, re-centering him on something positive. Playing instead of dwelling.
He mentally leans against one of the side walls, enjoying the view of the back of her, her ass cupped in her coveralls, her arms as she reaches out, and then says to her, "Hey, beautiful. How about I buy you dinner?"
She turns, looks at him, her eyes flicking from his hair to his boots. He's in his Padme clothing, blaster on his hip, no lightsaber, period. Her eyebrow raises at him.
"And breakfast," he says with a grin. "For the rest of our lives?"
She smirks at that, and then laughs. "Let's see how dinner goes." She looks him up and down again. "I eat a lot, you got credits for that?"
He smirks at her. "I've got my tricks."
She pulls herself out of the innards of the Falcon, and heads up to him, extending her hand. "I don't eat with strangers. What's your name?"
He's still grinning as he takes her hand in his. "Kylo."
"Just Kylo?" He still hasn't let go, and she hasn't pulled back.
"Kylo Amidala. Though the old fart who owns this bucket calls me Ben."
She sniggers at that. "Uh huh. And why would that be?"
"Because that's what he and my mom named me. How about you? What's your name?"
"Rey."
"Just Rey?" His index finger is slipping over the back of her hand.
"Just Rey, unless you're serious about forever."
He lifts her hand to his lips. "I am."
He's in a much better mood when they pull out of the fantasy play. She looks around their home, feeling him in her arms, and close. "You know, we could do something like that."
He raises an eyebrow. "You mean, not just think about it?"
"Yeah." She kisses his chin. "Day after tomorrow. I'll be on the F deck, 3rd subsection. Come find me, Amidala."
He smiles at that. "I can do that."
2/18/2
He could find her the easy way. Could just focus, port, and be by her side in a moment, but that's… probably defeating the purpose of the game.
Two strangers. Two normal strangers, who just… like the look of each other, or something like that. However, it works for normal people. He's a little fuzzy on that. And though finding Jon and asking how this works is tempting, he's thinking that how to go about meeting strangers to have sex with them is likely a skill he's not actually going to need.
So, in his really off-duty wear, his not even remotely black at all Padme clothing, he wanders the F-Deck, just… strolling, keeping an eye out, looking for her. He's got his do not recognize spell up, not wanting to deal with being Master Ren, not now.
Just… Kylo Amidala, a trader here for a deal maybe, walking around, looking for someone to spend a pleasant meal with, and if things go really well, maybe share his bed, and if it's even better, then maybe breakfast, and the rest of their lives will be in the offing.
Maybe.
He's not sure if normal guys feel that way when they're out looking for a good time.
He senses her before he sees her, but that's normal, for them. A few more paces, and he can see the bench she's sitting at, near the squammath courts, she's half-watching a game, half-reading.
She skipped her usual Mistress of the Maji clothing. He smiles again. She's got on a dress. Light and loose and he can see her legs. It's simpler, and, to his mind at least, a lot sexier than her usual Mistress of the Maji clothing.
Apparently, to the minds of a few other men as well. He notices a few of them notice her, and one wanders closer, sits on the bench next to Rey, and Kylo watches, smirk on his face, as he attempts to strike up conversation. He can't hear what she's saying, he's not close enough for that, but he can feel it. This seat is taken.
The man leans a little closer, looking like he's going to try pressing his luck, but Rey looks up at him, makes eye contact, and he suddenly jumps up and leaves.
Kylo smirks at that. He drifts a bit closer, still watching her. She's just reading now.
He's not sure what to do next. He's probably about three meters off, just looking at her, feeling a little stupid, because, sure, Poe's swagger on over technique is probably great and all, but he just… Can't.
That's not who he is. And, apparently, that's not who Kylo Amidala is, either.
Her eyes leave the page, and catch his, and a slight smile lights her lips. He's almost blushing, getting caught staring, and he's not sure if that means he's too damn far into the fantasy of this, or it's just too silly of a game, but…
"You're staring." Her voice is a little sharper than normal, but not unkind.
He nods, and after a moment comes up with something to say, "Intentionally. You're worth staring at."
She inclines her head a little. And he realizes she's gesturing to the bench, so he sits next to her. "Like I said to the last bloke, this seat's taken. So, don't make me a liar, eh?"
He grins at that, sitting next to her. "Never. I'm Kylo."
"Hello Kylo, I'm Rey." Her datapad's on her lap, page still up.
"Good book?" he asks.
"Useful book. I'm not sure if it's good."
"How does that work?"
"It's the most boring writing I've ever had the displeasure of laying my eyes on, but it's a topic I need to know more about, so…"
"Ah… Yeah. I did a lot of that sort of reading when I was at school."
"What was a boring but useful topic for you?"
"Uh…" Kylo tries to think. He remembers being bored, but the useful part... "Anything about disciplining myself. It's much easier to just do than it is to read and then do. How about you, what's boring but useful?"
"I'm reading about formal modes of address."
"Are you a diplomat then?"
"Not today." She smiles a bit at that and shuts off the datapad. He scoots a little closer to her. "You?"
"Today, I'm a pilot, off-duty."
"And tomorrow?"
"We'll find out then," he says with a little smile. She leans in towards him, watching his lips and eyes. He's enjoying the attention, a lot. "Do you spend a lot of time here?"
"Some. Not a lot," she says.
"This is my…" He's thinking, how many times has he been up here? Three? Four? More, the correct answer should be more. "Fourth time here. You come here often enough to have a favorite place to eat?"
"Not yet."
He looks around at the carts and counter service cafes. He knows neither of them have ever attempted to eat a meal in one of them. "Well, in that case, is there anywhere you want to try?"
"Why?"
"Because it's almost dinnertime, and I'd like to eat it with you."
"Then I suppose I can find somewhere with something I'd like to try."
He stands up, and offers her his hand. She reaches out, fast, easy, and just takes it, because normal people, doing a normal thing, like just meeting each other, don't hesitate for a week, tentative fingers creeping ever closer before barely brushing skin on skin. He gives her a little tug, and she's standing, too close, sweetly close, and her hand is in his, and it still feels so right there.
He rubs his lips together, and then says, "Don't take this the wrong way, but tomorrow, I'm going to be yours."
"That long from now?" she's smiling up at him.
"Nah," he's grinning down, and she's on her toes, kissing him, and this is the most successful 'first meeting' ever, likely because it's the millionth time they've done this, but… Maybe… If things had been different… It could have been.
One of his hands is in her hair, and the other's at the small of her back, and her arms are around his waist and neck, and it's just right.
So much for pretending we just met. He thinks to her.
Hush. This is good. She thinks back.
He nips her bottom lip, pulling back to rest his forehead against hers, both of them with closed eyes, just feeling each other. Then he says, out loud, "It really is." Dinner or bed or dinner in bed?
Take me out. Tease me some. Then bed.
"I can do that."
They pick a noodle shop, mostly based on the long line of people in front of it. If lots of people want what they're selling, that's got to be good, right?
Whatever it is they do, it's fast. There's a good fifty people in line in front of them, but they still get up to the counter in less than ten minutes.
The people around them order in numbers. "I'll have a five and seven to go." Or "Three and six, here."
Kylo glances at her as they get within speaking range. Eyebrow raised.
"I'm hungry, Amidala."
He nods. And then looks to the clerk. "Five, three, and seven, for here."
Rey's smirking at him. "You have no idea what you just ordered do you?"
"Nope, but you don't either, so it'll be an adventure."
She smiles up at him. "I like adventures."
And while she might like adventure, she, and he for that matter, don't like three. It's… got to be some sort of noodle with what appears to be a protein of some variety, but all of it's swimming in a broth so blisteringly hot that Kylo doesn't even bother to put it in his mouth, and Rey only lets it barely touch the tip of her tongue before putting the rest of it back in the bowl, and wiping her chopsticks off.
Five and seven are good though, again, even after eating them, neither of them know what they are. Filling, warm, and tasty. That's what they are.
Of course, most of the fun of eating goes hand in hand with Rey's tease me.
Kylo's not entirely sure where to start with that, but he's game to try.
"So, my diplomat, you ever get a chance to swim?"
She raises a brow.
"Pools are rare. I know that. Most ships have sonics, or maybe showers, but something you can actually stretch out and float in… They're rare."
"I actually don't know how to swim. I can float. And a friend of mine has promised to teach me when home warms up enough for the water to not be ice, but…"
He gives her a little look, because he hasn't actually done that, but likely should. Or… wait, maybe she's talking about Poe or Finn. Well, he's bloody well going to teach her to swim, now. He cares fuck all for the fact that Poe doesn't like women and Finn's beyond happily married, if anyone is going to get to play with a wet, naked Rey teaching her how to swim, it's going to be him. "Well, I don't have anything big enough to do laps in, or anything like that, but… If you'd like to do some floating…"
"You know a place."
He grins. "I know a place."
"I don't have a swimming costume."
"Not necessary." He grins at her, wider, eyes dropping to trace over her body, imagining what's under her clothing.
"So, this is either a very private sort of place, or an extremely relaxed one."
"It's a very private, and hopefully very relaxing one."
"Uh huh. And do you have a swim costume?"
He shakes his head. "Never understood the point of them. It's one thing if the water is cold and your costume keeps it off you, but I know the water's warm."
She giggles a little at that. "Are you trying to get me naked?"
"Yes, very much." He grins at her, wide and easy. "Is there any chance of you saying yes?"
She grins back at him. "There's always a chance."
Three bowls would have been enough to be very comfortably full.
Two is not quite enough.
It's Rey who decides to up the ante on the 'tease me' front. One of the carts sells frozen fruit mush concoctions. Popsicle. The word on the side of the cart is Popsicle. All sorts of different flavors, in many bright colors. If that had been all there was to it, she would have kept walking by, but there was a picture next to the word Popsicle. Apparently, Popsicle are long, frozen oblongs on a stick.
The kind of thing you've got to lick and suck to eat.
She gets a myrsh melon one. It's a warm pinky-red color. And once she's got it, and starts to lick it, every thought not solely related to getting Rey off the F-Deck and into his bed goes galloping out of Kylo's head.
She slips the top six centimeters into her mouth sucking it, making small mmmm noises, as she pulls the oblong out from between her lips. The heat of her mouth melted the mush just a little, so it's wet and shiny, slipping into and out of her mouth.
She holds it out to Kylo. "Want a lick?"
He swallows hard, looking at her lips, pink from the juice of the oblong. "More than you can possibly imagine." He doesn't move toward the dessert, and it's clear he understood how she meant the question.
She returns the dessert to her own mouth, lightly flicking her tongue over the tip of the confection.
Kylo's eyes shut, and he grits his teeth.
When he opens them, she's… fellating the Popsicle. There's just no other word for what she's doing to it.
"You're killing me."
"You're enjoying it."
He shifts again, making a mental note to get a long fucking coat to go with his casual wear, gently takes her hand, removing the Popsicle from her mouth, and eating it, very fast.
"Kylo!"
"There's only so much teasing a man can take."
"Light weight."
"I promise, when we're in private, you can tease me as long as you like, but this isn't the place for it."
Her eyes light with mischief. "Really?"
He bends closer, his lips cool and red, and just barely brushes them against her ear as he says, "Please."
Rey smiles up at him, open and wide. "Take me somewhere private."
Kylo's never, ever been so tempted to port in public than he is right now, but… People might be looking. So, he offers her his arm, and she snugs up against him, and they walk to the elevator, which as soon as the doors shut, leaving them alone, he ports them out of.
When they're in the courtyard, Rey says, "Breaking character?"
Kylo smirks. "Kylo Amidala has myriad talents, apparently."
"Kylo Amidala really wants to get shagged."
"That, too," he says, and she laughs at that.
"Are we still playing?" she asks.
"I was having fun, so if you were, yeah, I'd like to."
"Okay, Amidala, show me your pool."
He gestures to the door to his office. "On the other side of that door is my office, and behind that is my room. It's in there."
"You actually have a pool!" Rey says to him as soon as they're in his room.
"Why would I lie about that?"
"This ship doesn't seem like the kind of place that has a lot of pools."
He shrugs. "Well, maybe I might have… left something out about the whole pilot bit. I can and do fly a ship, but…"
"I noticed the courtyard and office. You're a big deal here, aren't you?"
He shrugs a little, dismissively. "Kind of. Do you want to know?"
"Tonight," she shakes her head. "You're Kylo and I'm Rey, and that's enough."
He pulls her close to him. "It really is." His lips are hovering above hers, and his eyes are warm on hers, and he licks his lips, tongue tracing slowly over them before saying, "Do you want a swim, or… shall we get naked and play first, then get a soak?"
"Oo… Options." She reaches up, gently brushes her nose against his, and then closes the gap between their lips.
It's good kiss, warm and pleased. Settled. That wasn't there the first time they did this. There's no electric uncertainty.
There was a heartbeat when his body first brushed against hers in the pool only a few meters from them, all those months ago, unsure, afraid she was going to blink out of existence, electric from hair to toes on the anticipation. All of it coursed through his synapses, lighting his skin from scalp to toes. Then it was her skin, wet on his, and then he was reaching for her, pulling her up, her lips against his and the… no words. There just aren't words for that moment of the first time her lips touched his.
There are words now. Part of it is just he's not so touch starved his brain whites out at the smallest physical affection. Now, he can think and revel, and feel her on him. Now, he knows that little sigh, and the quiver of her body seeking his, and the way her body cups his, and his hands find their familiar places on her head and back…
Settled.
Heat. That's the same. He still burns for her. Maybe burns deeper if not quite so wild. The flush of heat at her skin on his, the fire flicking through his senses as she melds to him.
That was there at the first kiss.
Was there in the longing for the first touch.
In the way his hands shook has he began to ease his gloves off, wondering if they'd actually make contact.
And it's here now, in his touch and hers, as his hands slip under her skirt, and her hand brushes his face.
He's holding her close, kissing her ear, feeling good all over, as she's pulling his shirt up, fingers splayed on his back. Then she says to him, "You know, Amidala, for all your moves, I get the feeling you've never done this before."
He pulls back, staring at her, eyes wide. He swallows, realizing what level of game she's opening up to him. No, they can't change the past, or kill it, really, but they can at least pretend, and, he swallows again, loving her and this and the chance to do it right and… He licks his lips. "What gave it away?"
"Nothing. Just a sense I had."
He blushes a little, fully throwing himself into the game, into the idea that this is his first chance, first time, first day meeting this glorious woman and he's got her all to himself and… "It's not embarrassing, is it?"
"Why would it be?"
"I'm thirty-three?"
She shrugs, and kisses him. "I'm not embarrassed by it, so I don't think you should be."
"Is it yours?" he's laying the game back at her, letting her feel that any answer she wants to give here is just fine with him. He'll roll with any of them.
"It's my first time with you, and that's all that matters."
He smiles at her, and kisses her, and says, "I suppose so. Just, tell me what you like. I can't read minds, so tell me."
She grins. "You like hearing words?"
"I do when they're coming out of your mouth."
"Then I'll talk. Though right now, I'd rather be kissing."
And Kylo can get on board with that.
"I think I'd like you naked." Rey's hands are under Kylo's shirt, her body pressed flush to his, as they kiss.
He pulls back a little from their kiss, grinning at her. "I really liked the sound of that."
She's down to her bra and panties. He steps back a little, pulling off his shirt and tossing it aside.
The first time the real Rey saw him without a shirt, she glanced for a tenth of a second, just about swallowed her tongue, and then looked away, blushing.
The first time the real Rey saw him without a shirt, his back was to her, and he knew what she was about to see, too big, too angular, too pale, too many scars. He was rubbing his thumb and middle finger together, cursing the Force for linking them now, quieting that, forcing himself to calm. He'd never get the map if he scared her off. And then he turned around.
She asked him to put on a cowl or something, and at the time he was sure that was disgust. Now, he knows that was part of what was going on, but not all of it.
This time, she's not blushing. She's smiling at him, eyes trailing over his skin. This time, she's enjoying.
"Oh, you're a treat under all that clothing, aren't you?"
He flushes at the sound of that, shaft getting even harder, begging to be released so she can appreciate it, too.
She steps a little closer, trailing her fingers from his clavicle to the fine line of hairs on his belly. "I bet these lead somewhere fun."
His mouth feels dry, and his shaft too big for his trousers, and all of his attention is on her finger, and the spot just below it, where he's fumbling with his belt, trying to get out of his clothing.
The buckle clangs against the metal of his floor when he pulls his belt out of his trousers and drops it on the floor. The top button and zip take a few more seconds, and then he's shucking his trousers and his shorts.
He's standing naked in front of her, save for his socks, and she's beaming at him. "Force, you're lovely." She gently nudges him back to the bed. "And we are going to have such a good time."
Most of the time Kylo doesn't feel a lack from not having any sort of artistic outlet in his current life. Of course, in his past life, his art of choice was calligraphy, and, right now, calligraphy doesn't feel like the kind of art he'd need for this. If he could compose poetry as well as put it on a page in an aesthetically pleasing way, he'd have something he could use to capture this feeling.
But he doesn't.
But it does feel like there should be entire branches of art dedicated to celebrating Rey getting naked. The way she looks, the curve of belly, buttock, and breast. The sway of her hair, and the way she gracefully drops each piece of clothing. The way her doing this makes him feel.
It makes him want to sing or draw or… something.
He settles for watching her, for projecting the sensation of it, and saying to her, "You are so fucking beautiful."
She's on the bed with him, her body straddling his, not really touching, not yet. He traces his hand over her cheek, and down her neck, feeling goosebumps raise. He lightly, with just the tips of his fingernails trails across her chest. That gets a happy moan. (He makes a mental note that, if, at some point, he and Finn ever have the sort of relationship where they can actually talk about this stuff, to thank him for that tip, because Rey really likes it.) He stops that path with his fingers just above her breast. "May I?"
"Please." She gestures to the head of the bed. "How about you sit up? You'll be able to see and touch easier."
He does, sitting up, scooting back, and she follows, then glances at his lap, and his very hard, very high shaft. "Can I sit in your lap?"
He nods, vehemently.
"You'll tell me if it's too much, right?"
He grins at her, breaking character for a moment. "Even Virgin Kylo didn't spurt from that."
"Virgin Kylo had a naked girl in his lap while licking and stroking her breasts?"
"Maybe?" He flashes her a lightly naughty, slightly mischievous look. He hasn't told her that story, and he's not sure if that counted as Virgin Kylo, though, he supposes by the rules he was raised with, that was technically true. It was the first time he had the kind of sex that could make a baby, so… In an Obi Wan sort of way, that was Virgin Kylo. In a, how-Kylo-himself thinks of it way, that was one of a very tiny handful of good times he had when we was still under Snoke's command.
It's clear Rey's curious about that. It's also clear she's not going to ask, now. "Well, Rey the Diplomat is being careful. Don't want things to end too soon."
"I'm sure Virgin Kylo can figure out what to do with his tongue if his shaft goes off too soon." He licks it slowly, easily over her lower lip. "Or better yet, Rey the Diplomat can show him exactly what she likes, and tell him all of her sexy little tricks."
Rey laughs at that, kisses him, wet and deep, and then settles into his lap. "Touch me?"
"Yes!"
She's in his lap, snug up against him, her pearl nestled at the base of his shaft, so every time she squirms a bit both of them get a treat.
And right now, Rey's very squirmy.
And Kylo's enjoying it immensely.
"So…" His hand is just, barely, a hair and a half's breadth away from the skin of her bosom.
"Soft and easy to start. They're sensitive."
He makes contact, his fingers spanning her ribcage to her back, the palm of his hand cupping her bosom, drawing it higher up, and his thumb, lightly, so lightly rubbing back and forth over her nipple.
Rey makes a pleased sound.
"Is it good?"
She wriggles a bit more, and he feels her skin slick on his, slipping just a bit. "It's good. Maybe… thumb and forefinger, don't pinch, but…" She shakes her head, and then gently reaches for his nipple, drawing her thumb and forefinger over it. Not a pinch, not hard enough for that, but a similar sort of motion. "Like that."
"I can do that," and he does. His left hand gets into the game. "How about…" He cups her whole breast in his hand and gently squeezes, pulling his fingers up toward each other, all five meeting at her nipple, to glide back down again.
Rey rocks against him a bit harder, lifting up a little higher, the wet of her body slicking down on his. "Can you feel how much I like that."
He nods, swallows hard. "Yeah." His hips rock, too, his body hard, hot, pressed against her belly. "Feel how much I like that?"
"Oh yeah." She kisses him, as he plays with her breasts, lips and tongue and fingers and wet and dry, soft and then sharp. She fists her hand in his hair, pulling back swift, but not too hard. Kylo gasps, grip stuttering, eyes slipping shut, shaft jerking. Her lips caress over his. "That good, too?"
"It really is." His hands leave her bosom, and settle under her ass, letting her know to lift up some. She does, and his lips find her nipple. "Keep talking to me. Tell me it's good. Tell me you love it."
She's cradling his head, keeping him close, stroking his hair. "It's better than good. It's soft and wet… And… I feel it in my breast, but… not just there. You lick and suck and… I don't feel the sensation in my maomao, but I feel the pleasure of it there."
She's high enough up that she can rub her delta against his tip, and she does, wet and slick. "I feel it under your lips, and I feel it there, and" he sucks a little harder, "Just like that, baby. Just…" He does it again, and again, "like that. It makes your shaft on my skin feel even better."
He groans a bit at that, and she can't feel the vibrations of it, but she can feel the intention behind it. Behind a lot of this. Desire. Being desired. A first time of joy and love and acceptance, and…
She pulls his face away, so he's looking up at her. "You make me feel so good." She strokes his face, and over the line of his scar, across his lips. "Can I make you feel good?"
He nods. "Please. I want…" He licks his lips, and she follows his tongue with hers.
"Lay down." Them sitting up like that is a shallower position than him lying down. And for this, Rey wants every millimeter of his shaft to glide into and through her.
He does, kissing her breasts as he eases himself below her, laying on his back, looking eager, pleased, ready.
Rey scoots down a bit, too, so she's straddling his lap. As she starts to ease down his body, she's moaning, loudly at the slick stretch and easy glide of his skin on hers.
He's being very still, very quiet, looking up at her. Feeling it.
"Do you like it?"
Does he like it? Newly divested of his virginity Kylo Amidala likes this. He likes this just fine. He's having a very good time with a pleasant stranger who he hopes will one day be vastly more than just a pleasant stranger.
On day one, minute one, of his next great adventure, Kylo Amidala likes this.
Kylo Ren, doesn't like it.
In his home, with his wife, and the life he's building with and for her. No, he doesn't like this.
"No."
For a heartbeat Rey's confused, then she catches where he's going with this.
He's fairly still right now, calm, peaceful. He tugs her gently down, so she can kiss him, and does, once, again. He breaks the kiss, his face a dozen centimeters from hers, his fingers pushing her hair out of her face, so he can see her eyes, and she see his.
"I don't like this. I live for this. Every breath, every heartbeat, from now until my last, and likely beyond, is dedicated to this."
He kisses her again, and it's clear that he's talking about the sex, desire, and pleasure between them, but wider as well, their home, this life, the universe they're building with and for each other.
There's another quiet, content breath. His light, and hers, together, blending into something that makes knees weak, and toes curl with pleasure.
Then he flips them, fast, and begins to thrust, deep, hard, breath and heart quickening.
"Kylo!" Half a gasp of surprise, half pleasure.
His head drops to hers, to wet, deep kisses, to nipping bites, and the wet slap of skin on skin. His dark, his passions, rising. Hers meeting his in arched hips, and fingernails down his back. His eyes meet hers again. "I'd kill for this. Destroy anything that threatened it, remove anything that gets in its path." His hand is clasped behind her neck, hand gentle, firm, hot. His lips are hot, too. His dark pouring out of him in searing heat and rising pleasure.
His body moves faster, chasing release. She's clinging to him, caught in the storm, in him, letting it all out, saying it, with words, because she likes hearing words, too. "I'd die for this. Lay my life down if it meant you got to keep going. End it with a smile on my face if you get to walk away."
He's not doing well keeping his voice going. Moving too fast, breathing too hard. We're building a life. Figuratively. Eventually… His body rushes, flares at this idea, pulsing hot, steady, high and deep inside her, taking her over the edge with the intensity of the thought, and the pleasure of life. When the lights stop flashing behind his eyes, he finishes the thought, Literally. You and I, my life, yours, and we'll make another life.
They're still, quiet, and he kisses her gently. Eyes wide and dark on hers. Between rushed breaths, and slowing heartbeats, he says, "This is transcendent. I love it, need it, live it, breathe it. It's who I am and want to be. It's my armor, weapon, and faith." He kisses her once more, and then gives her a little bit of a cocky brat smile. "So, no, I don't like it."
She gently swats his shoulder, and then kisses it.
He snuggles in close, taking a moment to just lie with her, resting.
They do, eventually, end up in the bath. Close, snuggly, warm and wet. It feels good to float with each other for a while.
"You really can't swim?" Kylo asks.
"You actually didn't know that about me?"
He shrugs a bit. Raised on a desert, spent a year or so on the move, mostly in ships, then a planet with a lake that never got above 4. Of course, Rey can't swim. "I probably should have put that together. Who's supposed to be teaching you when it warms up?"
"I was thinking you, but I'm sure Rose would be happy to. Actually, probably a good idea to do that for all of us. I know Finn can't, too, and probably at least half the kids."
If he'd been thinking about it, he would have known that Finn can't swim, either. Or if he can, he learned in the last year or two. Not like the First Order taught swimming. Not like it was a skill most people on a ship will ever need.
They float for a few more moments.
"What was your real first time like?" Rey asks.
Kylo takes a moment to try and sum that up. "Uh… Fast. I guess."
"You guess?"
He rolls his eyes a little, and scoots a bit so she's in his lap, and can make eye contact easily. "The doing part was fast… The working up to doing it took months."
She raises an eyebrow. He closes his eyes for a moment, and then takes her hand in his, and thinks about it. It'll be clearer and take a lot less explaining that way.
He probably spent about three months of debating, thinking, deciding, debating some more, and finally Kammun slapping him, (physically and metaphorically) upside the back of the head, pointing out that they burned the fucking temple to the ground and killed their master (though Kylo was awfully sure Luke wasn't dead, but he hadn't shared that.) and more than half the classmates, so there was literally no going back, and this wasn't burning his bridges because the fucking bridge was not just ash, but had fallen into the river and flowed out to sea.
And Kylo had sighed at that, because, to a degree that was right, but…
Burning the temple, tearing it all down, destroying the Jedi, that had been rage and fear and… rash. A slew of decisions all piled on top of each other brought about by rage and blind panic.
This was not that. This was… predetermined. Chosen.
This was intentionally stepping over a line he'd held to his whole life, even when he really didn't want to, and…
It was different.
That said, part of him, both his mind and shaft wanted. And wanted hard. And… he wasn't a Jedi, so holding to the code was… weak… useless… trying to please a Master he left buried under a ton of smoking rubble…
And, like whiskey, which, honestly, about half of his Knights had really enjoyed, and the other half, like him, thought was highly overrated, he was a bit worried that this would just be disappointing. That he'd finally take the step, mind and emotions cold, break the vows he took when he claimed the title of Master, and it'd be… worthless. At worst disorienting and unpleasant, and at best, a cheap and hollow thrill.
But he wanted. And here, he could have. And he was twenty-three, and burning all the time, and…
"Didn't you say your first kiss was at twenty-six?" Rey asks.
"I did."
"You didn't kiss her?"
He shakes his head, "Kissing, and a girl in my lap, that came later. That was twenty-six."
She raises an eyebrow at him, and he drops back into the memories, making what happened clearer.
He spent close to twenty minutes just standing there, in one of the pleasure houses, surrounded by pretty people not wearing a lot of clothing. He was in his full blacks, with the mask (because in those days the mask only came off in the shower, and during the rare intervals he slept), supposedly deciding which of the Specs he wanted to 'work with' but really chewing his lip into oblivion, until he tasted blood, dithering about just turning around and leaving or going through with it.
(He can feel how sad this makes Rey, and he kisses her shoulder.)
Kammun nudged his shoulder.
He chose.
She was pretty. Blonde hair, blue eyes that still had a bit of gentleness to them, or maybe she was good at reading people, even people cased in head to toe black, and knew he needed that a lot more than her mouth or delta. Knew he needed a bit of gentleness, and some kindness, and maybe, if he'd let himself, though he didn't, a little affection.
She tried to take his hand, but he shook her off, so she waved at him to follow her, led him to a private room, and tried to get his clothing off, but that didn't happen.
She tried to talk to him, too, but he was mute with… everything. Shame, excitement, fear, longing.
He did undo his pants.
She looked at his shaft, jutting hard and high. He knew she was going to laugh, could feel it coming, but she didn't. She just smiled, stroked her finger tips up the length of him, and grinned up at him. "Well, that's a pretty shaft. But you've got to tell me what you want me to do with it, sweet."
He swallowed hard, because talking was going to be an issue. Hell, standing there, his shaft so hard it ached, the aftershocks of the pleasure burn of her fingers on him making the room spin around him, was already an issue. He felt like his knees were sinking into rubber, and he was half a minute from bolting away. But… If he didn't say anything… That'd be almost as bad a running away… That'd be weakness and shame and letting someone see him fear. It'd be failure.
The vocal modulator on his mask kept his voice steady when his real voice cracked as he said, "Suck it."
She grinned at him. "Good choice." She knelt down, took him in her hands, rolled a slick down him, and then lowered her mouth to his shaft.
This was not whiskey. This was not overrated. This he loved. This was everything they ever said it would be and more. This was hot and plush and suck, and she was making pleased little humming noises, and he knew they were just to make him feel better, not any sort of genuine pleasure on her part, but he could pretend, and… oh… he'd wanted and now he was havingand it was amazing.
It probably only lasted a minute or two, and almost all of that was due to the lady on her knees being very good at what she was doing, because he was ready to spurt about ten seconds into it.
And when he did, his knees went weak, buckled, and he ended up on the floor, sort of half-reclining, half-sitting, brain blank, body shivering at the feel of that.
She'd smiled at him, took care of the mess, gently tucked him back into his trousers, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and said, "I hope to see you again," before giving his gloved hand a little squeeze and seeing herself out.
He'd nodded absently, still floating on how good that had felt. A billion times better than anything he'd ever done to himself.
Rey's smiling at him. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."
"Yeah, well…" He knows that's not where that story ends, and she catches that.
"Kylo?"
He shakes his head. "No. That next bit…" He lays his head on her shoulder, and breathes in her scent, lets himself dip into the quiet of her Force. Then he kisses her forehead. And her lips, and rubs his together. "It's not that I don't want you to know. Not… factually. It's…" he licks his lips again. "It's… context. I can tell you about what happened, or what I'm thinking about, as facts. As: these are things that happened to me… but… I can't tell you my stories the way you told me yours. I can't, talk about how I feel about them, or what they did to me. Not these stories."
"Then let me feel them. And I won't press for commentary."
He nods at that, and finishes that memory.
Snoke gave him a good ten minutes to get himself back together. He got up, left the pleasure specialists, very much planning on doing this as often as he possibly could, feeling really pleased with that decision. Really pleased with everything in the universe at that moment. It was likely the first moment… maybe ever… that he just felt good.
And then Snoke was there, in his head, summoning him, filling him with dread. In the throne room, black and red and pain along the edges of his vision and thrumming through the Force of the room, Snoke started in on him, on how his desires were perverse, how his body was meant for pure things, like fire and death and pain, how he was betraying his strength with his weak, base, ugly, needs.
He didn't say it out loud, but he thought it, You couldn't have said this before?
Between the bolts of lightning and the beratement, Kylo knew Snoke wouldn't have. After all, it wouldn't have hurt nearly as bad to have never tasted how good that was and just forego it, then it would to know, and now struggle.
And now, close to a decade later, he knows that it didn't matter if he chose to see the pleasure specialists or not. If he'd turned around and left, Snoke would have called that weakness and cowardice and questioned him about his dedication, because how could he truly be dark if he kept holding onto the code of the light?
There were no right answer with Snoke. There were never any right answers, not once Snoke owned him. Because he wasn't there to be right or good or talented. He was there to burn with pain, so Snoke could warm himself by Kylo's fire.
And that's something Kylo doesn't want to talk about, not with his voice. He doesn't want to get into how he feels about that.
Rey kisses him, strokes his hair, she can feel that he's not withholding this because he thinks she's too weak, or that she can't take it, or that this is any reflection, at all, about her. "Context."
He nods. "Snoke used my desires as a knife against me. And he cut me with them, a lot, but… You were abandoned and gang raped, twice. I… It feels like complaining about a hangnail to someone with an amputation. And… It's not that you can't or shouldn't know. It's not that there's anything I won't let you know. But it's just… It feels bad, to me, to dump how this feels to me, on you."
She strokes his face. He rests his forehead against her. "It's not a competition, you know? Or only the one that got hurt worst gets to complain."
He kisses her forehead again. "I do. I really do. It still feels bad."
She nods. "Okay."
They're quite for a moment, and she says, "It's not a hangnail, you know?"
"Yeah. I got close to talking about some of this with the guys. Actually, said some of it, and I could feel the horror in them. Apparently, that sort of thing, isn't… normal. Even Finn, raised by the Hux-method, thought it was too far. I know it's real. I know it was beyond wrong, but… Everything with Snoke was beyond wrong. And… It's in me. This is a choice I get to make about how I, and you to a degree, get to shape and handle this, and… This is something I need."
"Then it's something you can have."
"Thank you."
He scoffs a little, face still pressed to her neck. "Our first time, our real first time, on the beach… When I was in your mouth, and close, and… fighting spurting. It was barreling down on me, and I'd never tried to push it off before… before finishing as fast as possible was always the goal… Get it done fast, and then move onto whatever came next. But, on the beach, I didn't want it to end, and you said to me, 'Enjoy it, Kylo.' That was the first time, as an adult, I was encouraged to enjoy something. The first time anyone was ever doing something for me solely because they cared about my pleasure. That put me over more than anything your mouth was doing. First time I just knew it was going to be okay. You weren't going to vanish on me at the exact wrong second, no one was going to come marching over and wreck it, it was just going to be me and you and pleasure and… good. I knew it was going to be good, and that wasn't my first time of any of the things we did, but it was the first time I really got to enjoy any of them."
She lifts his face to hers, and kisses him, soft and easy. "The first few passes, the dream, or not dream… I know it wasn't real, but it wasn't imaginary, or the time in my room at Orlac's school… I needed to be sure. I think that's why the Force kept yanking you away. It was giving me room to want. Let me walk right up to the line, peer over it, and see if I thought I'd like what was on the other side. Room to be scared if I needed it. Room to pull back from you, emotionally regroup, make sure I was okay, and wanted to do more, go further, without crushing you by running away of my own volition."
He nods. "It would have. If you'd… fucked me and ran away… Hell, kissed me and ran away… It would have crushed me. Everyone else left or pushed me away, and that would have just snapped whatever was left of my mind at that point. When we fought on Starkiller, I remember you thinking, screaming in your head, at me, to stay down. When you left on Crait… I got back up because if I didn't, Hux was going to kill me then and there. But if you'd touched me, let me enjoy you, and then just left… That's the thing that would have done it. I don't think I could have gotten back up from that."
Another long quiet moment of just breathing together. Then Rey says, "What do you want?"
He half smiles, a little. It's not a happy gesture, though it is fairly peaceful, at least for him. He kisses her, soft, sweet. His hands curl through her hair, stroke between strands of brown silk. "The past doesn't actually die, you know?"
"I know. We can't kill it. Can't change it. Just… have to bear it and try to do better by the future."
He sighs and kisses her gently. He takes her hand in his, and says, "This wedding thing… Vows are part of that, right?"
She shrugs. "I think we get to do it however we like. Do you want… public vows?"
He smiles a little at that idea. "Maybe? Definitely, private ones."
Rey lets that pass. They'll figure that out later. "Private vows, for you and I."
He lifts her hand, kisses her marriage band, and says, "I will use my past, and the lessons learned from it, to build a better life with you."
She lifts his hand, and kisses his marriage band, "I will use my past, and the lessons learned from it, to build a better future, with you."