3/20/2

"Okay, so, what, if anything, do we think about that?" Rey asks the kids.

They used to do their lessons in the chapel, but these days, it's just too bloody cold in there. And dark. It's designed for natural light, which is great, even on cold, snowy days, until, of course, the damn snow piles up and freezes on the dome and you're sitting in the middle of three watts of light because there's a meter-deep snow and ice frozen to the outside of your building. And yes, dark is natural, dark is important, learning to be in and with the dark is a skill Rey's trying to build in herself and in the kids, that said, if you're attempting to work on balance and strengthening exercises, enough light to see what she's demonstrating comes in handy.

To say nothing of when C4-98, the tutoring droid, is going over how to do long division.

So, they're in the kitchen. These days, they do a lot in the kitchen. It's warm. There are snacks. Everyone fits in there. And, it's less than half a klick from everyone's cottage, so that makes for a much more comfortable walk in the cold and wind.

Jacen's sitting in the back of the room, closest to the door. Usually, he sits with his friends, and they did save him a chair, but they're at one of the tables near the counter Rey's sitting cross-legged on top of, and to get there, he'd have to go through the whole room.

Which he doesn't want to do, mostly because he got in late. Rey doesn't say anything, but she does look at him. He slouches a bit. It is his fault that he whacked the chrono and 'slept in' this morning. It's not his fault that Critt was in their living room petting with Savarah late into the night and he had to… listen… to it.

Not really. They were quiet, but… Neither of them were thinking quietly, so he might as well have just pulled up a chair and watched.

He's got his first training run with Chewie and Finn tomorrow, and getting out of his cottage when Critt's entertaining is probably the best thing for him.

That or figuring out how to just ride it through Savarah's eyes. If he's going to have to deal with the jealousy, he should at least get to enjoy the show… For a moment he's really enjoying that idea. After all, it wouldn't take that much focus to pull off, and it'd certainly add to his bank of wank fodder. He glances ahead, where Critt's sitting, next to Savarah, and the empty chair he saved for Jacen.

Fuck. Jacen just thinks it. He just... can't. It doesn't feel right.

It'd be so much easier if it did.

As the other kids are heading out for their various chores, Rey wiggles a finger at him, beckoning him forward, and then meets him at the table where his friends had been. "You okay?"

He shrugs. "Eventually. Rough night."

"Yeah. I can feel it. You got a plan for how to have fewer rough nights?"

"Run away?"

Rey smiles a little at that. "Sometimes that's the best plan, but… again… you could try talking to him."

Jacen sighs at that. It's the second time Rey's suggested that, and apparently, she suggested that to the girls, too. He just doesn't know what it is she thinks he could possibly get out of that. "Rey… Uh… How do you think that conversation goes? Hey, Critt, yeah, so… Uh… You know how you feel about Savarah? Yeah. I feel that way about you, and it'd be really nice if you felt that way about me, too." He tries a wide, open lipped smile to go with that. It comes off as a death's head grin.

"Maybe not exactly like that."

"Hey, Critt, remember those things Poe said about what guys could do to each other? Wanna decide that you like boys all of a sudden and want to try them with me? I promise I'll enjoy it! And I'll do everything I possibly can to make sure you do." Another manic grin that doesn't reach his eyes.

Rey winces.

"Uh huh. I know you're not telling me to talk to him, and without doing that, I'm fairly sure there is no version of that conversation that gets me where I want to be, so, running away."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah. I've… just got to get through this, hopefully find… someone, thing else to focus on."

"Okay, how about… Have you tried talking to Poe about that?"

That has Jacen's attention, in a good way. "Why Poe?"

"He's got some experience wanting someone he can't have. Maybe he could help."

Jacen does think about that. "I like Poe."

"And Poe's likely willing to have a chat with you. Bring it up the next time he takes you out on Micah."

"That's…" He runs the days. "Probably a week from now. I've got you, an hour of free time, then lessons with C4, Kylo's grabbing me after that for one-on-one training, and then supper here. Tomorrow, I'm off with Chewie and Finn for a few days, so…"

"Good. Now, about that free hour…"

"I'm not getting to skip out on today's lesson, am I?"

Rey shakes her head. "Nope. Focusing on me, now, okay?"

"Yeah. Fine. Sith, all passion and dark. Jedi, all serenity and light. Sounds boring and limiting, and even if it didn't, neither are good solutions to being living creatures in this galaxy. I wasn't totally zoning out."

Rey does look pleased by that. "Yes. So, let's work on finding your own balance. Settle in, and let's feel it. Where's the point that your own dark and light melt into a stable gray?"

Jacen resettles himself. He shifts out of his slouch into an easy, relaxed, feet on the floor, hands on his knees, seated pose, shuts his eyes, and slowly breathes in and out.

This is a lot easier than it was when he started. When Rey first had him do this, the idea that he'd just sit around, breathe, and think was ridiculous. The idea that it'd be anything other than a boring waste of time was beyond ridiculous into insane, but as he's gotten deeper into it, he can… see… access… more of himself, and the ability to do that has made using his skills easier.

He doesn't know all the tricks, yet, but he can feel where the missing pieces are, and he's getting a better view of things he didn't even know were options before, like low-level healing.

Where's the point? To a degree, this is easier to do with his body. But, that's also the, or maybe a, point, he guesses. They all, to a degree, have an easier time standing on one foot, than on… Finding their internal balance points. (Rey keeps telling them that standing on one foot gets easier when they find the internal point, too, but as of now, Jacen's skeptical on that.)

As he's shifting through the feel of his own Force, he can see Rey's, bright and steady and… changing. He wasn't expecting that. Rey's… steady. There are a lot of things about her, but those things all… stay. And now… they're moving.

"You're shifting."

"I know." Her eyes are closed, and she's meditating with him. "Focusing on you. I'm focusing on me. Where's your point?"

He breathes deeply, seeking that spot, between passion and serenity, between life and death, between anger and joy. It's there, somewhere. Every time he gets closer to it, he does find doing… everything… else easier. He's just got to find it, and then… balance on it.

"Crouch," Kylo bites out. This is the fourth time he's had to tell Jacen to do this. Every time he attacks, he wants to leap up, extend up onto the balls of his feet, and go at Kylo full height.

To a degree, Kylo understands what Jacen's doing. Normally, Jacen's the tallest one around on Lirium. He uses his height and voice to take up space and make himself seem more… everything. Or, perhaps, he uses it to make himself less a seventeen-year-old kid.

But Kylo's got eight centimeters on him, which means he can't use his physical body to impose himself around Kylo. So, he's trying to get closer to an equal height. Trying to use his body to fend off some of the fight. Probably not a terrible tactic if he's sparring with Critt or Elias. Hell, it might not be a terrible technique for Finn or Poe, (Well, after he's got enough fight to last more than a minute against either of them.) but… It's just… appallingly bad tactics against him.

And, as Kylo leans back and swats at Jacen, who's over-extended (because he's trying to pretend he's got an extra eight centimeters that likely aren't ever going to show up) he overbalances and goes down.

This is frustrating. By any and all metrics Jacen should be a hell of a lot better with a saber than he is. He's (for the amount of training he's had) an excellent pilot, which involves the use of both hands and feet independently of each other. A saber should be child's play compared to that.

Next run at it, Jacen drops down, a little, barely, and waits for Kylo to go at him again. And as soon as Kylo's moving, Jacen's up, again, full height and extension, saber in one hand… This time, Kylo whacks him, hard enough to bruise, not hard enough to break the skin, across his lead shin with his training saber.

"Kylo! The fuck, man!" He's dropped his practice saber and kneeling, rubbing his shin. "You did not need to do that."

"I've asked you nicely to crouch. Several times. I've explained why you need to crouch. Several more times, and I'm about to do it, again. You are a human, which means most of your strength is in your legs." He taps Jacen's thigh with the training blade. It's hot, so he can really feel it through his trousers, but it won't burn. "Standing straight up, you can't use them for power. On top of that, you aren't fucking Yoda. Your body is longer than your blade, so you need to make yourself more compact to protect it. Plus, you physically cannot intimidate me with your body. I've got eight centimeters, fifteen years, and probably twenty-five kilos on you. It's not going to happen." He lightly taps that shin again. "Lesson learned, I hope."

Jacen winces. "Just because they broke your legs to teach that lesson doesn't mean you have to break mine."

Kylo rolls his eyes and gives him a hand up. "It's just bruised. You won't even have a welt." As he's saying that, it's occurring to him he's never told Jacen that story. "Am I projecting or did you go looking for that?"

"You're projecting. Yeah, I get it. Protect your legs. The fact some maniac broke yours doesn't mean you need to do it to me." Jacen returns to position, crouching this time, deeply enough he can cover his whole body with his saber. "It's harder this way."

"I know. Believe it or not there was a time when I was a gangly seventeen-year-old who couldn't fight for hours without a break. You're still building up strength. That's normal. But once you've built it, when need power, you'll be able to pull it from the big muscles in your legs, instead of hoping your arms are up to the challenge. Here's a hint, they aren't. Mine aren't." Jacen looks skeptical at that, each one of Kylo's arms is the size of two of his. "You are human, your strength is in your legs. Finesse and fine tuning is in your arms. Okay, enough talking. Come at me again."

Jacen's eyeing him, getting a feel for how Kylo's going to move, where he is, how he's balanced, the position of his training saber. He does, as requested, crouch, and runs the fight in his head first. How he'll move, what Kylo will likely do in response, how to counter that. Every version of this he can think of involves him getting more bruises.

He closes his eyes, breathes, feels for the point. Find your balance. Where's the gray? He exhales long and slow. There. Jacen shakes his head and then lowers his training saber. "No."

None of the kids have ever even suggested not doing this to Kylo. The all like getting to run around and whack at him with training sabers. Granted, Jacen's the only one he's really starting to work with on any serious level when it comes to form, control, and strategy. So, yes, this is more precise and difficult, but… "No? You giving up?"

Jacen nods. He can feel it. This isn't part of his balance.

Kylo's still staring at him, stunned, but he is staring, not immediately attacking or demanding that he get on with it, so… Talking. "On this, yes. This is wasting my time and yours." He tosses his saber to Kylo. "A more elegant weapon for another age? That's Obi Wan's line, right?"

"According to Luke. Yes." Kylo's still a bit annoyed, but Jacen's making it clear that he should listen, so, he puts the blades on the floor and turns back to Jacen, paying attention.

Jacen's looking at Kylo's actual saber. He raises his eyebrow, and Kylo nods. Then he pulls the saber to himself, and Kylo's pleased to see that he's mastered his telekenetics enough to do that. Jacen holds it, swishes it around a few times, but doesn't turn it on. It's clear he's surprised by how heavy it is. "The weapon of the Jedi Knight."

"Before I rebuilt it. Before the crystal cracked, back when it was still blue." He pulls the saber to his own grip and ignites it. The red flame sears through the yellow light of the training gym, and a second later the cross guard comes to life. "No Jedi ever had a saber like this." He smirks a bit. "Technically, this isn't a saber. It's based on something called a claymore. All blades used to be made of metal. The one this is based on was bigger, heavier blade, with a cross guard to protect your hands. Normally used two-handed, maybe one-and-a-half if you had the strength for it."

"You're not a Jedi." Jacen nods a bit, as Kylo extinguishes the blade. "I'm not a Jedi, either. I have never been and never will be a Jedi. I don't want to be a Jedi, let alone a Knight."

Kylo's hearing that, but not sure what, exactly to do with it. "Not even a Maji Knight?" or a Knight of Ren. He mentally shakes his head at that. The Knights of Ren are, and should remain, dead. They aren't reshaping the past, they're building anew, and better, from it.

Jacen shakes his head. He then looks at Kylo's saber. "If I need that, I've already failed." He flicks his tongue to his upper lip. "The Force gave me a voice. A voice and a pretty face. I can feel it. I'm not made for this."

Kylo pulls a towel to his face, and blots the sweat, thinking. Part of him is aware of the fact that this isn't easy for Jacen, which is part of why he's not enjoying it. Part of him is aware of the fact that, as he said, the Force gave Jacen a voice, so he's weighing out how persuasive this argument actually is. And part of him is remembering a slew of adults who wanted to bend him into a shape he wasn't made for.

Kylo glances at the tank top Jacen always wears to train, and thinks about the scars that are under it, the ones Jacen hasn't spoken about, but he felt them when he watched Kylo and some of the others strip down to their trousers to train, and he kept his shirt on. Knowing they're there, and sensing the shape of them, if not the exact image, Kylo comes up with, "It's important to be able to defend yourself."

"I know, but…" Jacen stares at the saber and shakes his head again, "not like that." He's quiet for a moment, and Kylo can feel him getting an image of his future self. "I'll keep a blade on me, wrist sheath or something, a last-ditch effort weapon. Learn enough with it so that I'm never completely at the mercy of my mouth, but…" He focuses on the future Jacen McGy, Maji Knight, robes and light saber, and shares it with Kylo, at least as well as he can. The image won't form, not the way his other glimpses of the future do. "That's not me."

There's a moment where Kylo feels, almost, like saying, "It could be. If you practiced and worked at it. It'd get easier and you'd probably like it." He doesn't. He doesn't have to. Jacen felt it, and from the looks of it, he appreciates Kylo not giving that voice. Instead, Kylo says, "If you ever feel like it is you. You know where I am."

Jacen nods at that.

Kylo tosses a towel at him, and Jacen begins to mop himself off, too. They both sit on the floor of his training gym, apparently talking today. "So… What do you want to do? What… isn't wasting your time?"

Jacen thinks about it. Thinks about who he's supposed to be, as well as he can see it now, at least. "Flying. That's definitely part of it. Poe's letting me take Micah out some. That's a start. Going out with Chewie and Finn tomorrow. Flying and fast talking. That's definitely part of it."

He lets Kylo feel how flying feels to him, and Kylo nods at that. "Yeah."

"You feel that way with a saber in your hand."

"I feel that way in a cockpit, too."

Jacen looks surprised at that. "You didn't feel that way when you brought us here."

"Because getting all of you in my ship is stressful. On my own, fighting… Any sort of fighting… Ship, saber, hand to hand… I like that. You like flying."

"I do."

Kylo thinks back. "Did you get through the sims far enough to begin combat training?"

"The most basic level. I got moved up here for level one non-atmo with live ships, officer training, and intensive combat maneuvers." As he's saying it, he knows that Kylo didn't go through First Order flight training, so he understands the words and knows what they must correlate with, but he doesn't know what that means.

"You want to get back to it?"

"Eventually. I'll earn my stripes, eventually, but not yet. A lot of what Rey does with us, the focus, the ability to balance, that's helping. I know it's useful. Maybe not so much on how to use my powers, not yet, but on how to decide what to use them for. I… can feel this is something I need."

Kylo half inclines his head at that. "I found figuring out what to do with them a hell of a lot harder than mastering them, so… Yeah, it is."

"I also remember you offering to teach me some tricks, too. Wouldn't mind moving forward on that."

Kylo rubs his lips together on that. Then he looks at the practice sabers. "Those tricks."

"You're evading."

Not a good plan to try that sort of tactic with Jacen. Fine. "All right, full-on honesty. For us, for… as long as we're doing this, that's the rule. No bantha shit from either of us."

Jacen looks amused by that. "Is that a rule, or just… a nod toward reality. You're not a good enough liar to lie to me, and I'm not well-trained enough to do it to you?"

Kylo sighs. "How about, it's a nod toward reality, and also a sign of mutual respect? We might not be able to successfully lie to each other, but we'll also choose to be honest with one another."

Jacen smiles, a little at that. "I like that."

"Good." Kylo sighs. "Honesty. You're not exactly a grown-up, but you aren't a kid, either, and I'm worried that if I teach you the tricks you need to fully master your voice talent, you'll use it in ways that'll hurt you and everyone around you."

Jacen doesn't like that, but he understands what Kylo means by it.

"And I don't like feeling that way because rewind fifteen years, and I had a pile of adults with similar concerns trying to hedge me into shapes I didn't want to be in."

Jacen inclines his head, and Kylo's not sure if it's a relief that he's willing to listen, or if this is him being able to see, to feel, what sort of tactics will work best for getting Kylo to go where he wants him.

Jacen responds to the thought he doesn't verbalize. "Honesty. Yes, I'm looking to leverage this, but I'm also genuinely interested in you, too."

Kylo nods. "Okay. Concern. My concerns. Take Jon."

That gets a massive eye roll, and a tangible wave of annoyed snark. "He wanted that."

"No, he didn't. You wanted it. He..."

"Liked it." Don't even think about telling me he didn't.

Since it was abundantly clear that Jon did like it, Kylo's not going to challenge that. "I'm not saying he didn't. But I also know that he doesn't want you. He's… maybe developing a thing for Poe, and still mourning his husband, so, you're not on the scanners, okay?"

Jacen snorts. "I wasn't looking to marry the guy. Just get tuffed. He was interested. He was thinking and…"

"You blasted everyone in a fifty kilometer radius with enough raw lust that everyone was interested. Random guys on the F-Deck were wandering around wondering why they'd suddenly gone hard for no reason they could ascertain. And… That's part of what I mean about… Not being a kid and not being an adult and not being sure if teaching you how to use that is a good idea. Because I know if you could have put the right spin on that he would have taken you to bed and that would have just… complicated things, for him and you."

Massive eye roll. "Gods, Kylo! It's just fucking. It's not that complicated."

Kylo watches him, and tries to really feel what Jacen's telling him. Because, for him, even when it was just fucking, it wasn't just fucking. It takes a moment, and then he says, "Oh… You…"

Jacen knows what Kylo's understanding all of a sudden. "Telepath. That's the word you're looking for. It's in one of Rey's old books. I'm a telepath. I can hear/feel/see what people are thinking. You're an empath with sharp telepathy skills, too. You feel what they're feeling/thinking, primarily, and can catch the actual thoughts sometimes, too, if you're really working at it, or like with us, we're close and not blocking each other. It's very much not the same thing."

Kylo immediately gets the difference. "It's really not. That's… why you're sane, isn't it?" Kylo can feel the threads of Jacen's family lines. "Your mother…"

"Felt and heard too much. I think. I don't actually know. I don't remember her, but… That's in the things my grandfather didn't say. For me… It's like having loud neighbors. I'm fairly good at shutting the noise out."

"So… You could tell Jon was interested…"

Jacen nods. "I got interested in him first."

"Even the popcorn noticed that. I'm not kidding about how much desire you pumped into the area. I was interested in Jon for a minute there, riding off of you."

Jacen smirks at that. "Empath." He giggles a bit. "Must have been educational."

Kylo's voice is Tatooine dry when he says, "Certainly." He shifts back to his normal tones. "So, you see Jon, and are interested. And he's got enough sensitivity to pick up on the pile of lust you dumped on everyone, so he's interested, and you can pick up what he's thinking—"

"But I can't feel it. He's got an amazingly sharp visual fantasy life, so that was… impressive. No ambiguity there. I know for a fact that he was having a perfectly good time until you mentally tackled him and pummeled him about the head with NO!"

"He's not good for you."

That gets an eye roll, too. As well as a level of jaded exasperation a seventeen-year-old shouldn't be able to produce. "Kylo, he was more than perfectly capable of doing anything and everything I wanted from him. If we're going to talk about more than fucking, we're going to be talking about Critt, who isn't capable of doing anything I want from him, and honestly, that'll just depress both of us, so…"

Kylo more than understands the stay away from that that Jacen's got over Critt right now, so he doesn't touch that. "Okay, how about this? You're not good for Jon. You may just be looking to have someone handsome to service your tool; he's not. And because of your power, his ability to turn you down without me tackling him with NO is limited."

Jacen has the grace to admit Kylo might be onto something with that. "Yeah, that's the sort of thing I couldn't get off of him unless he was thinking about it, and he really wasn't."

"Because he couldn't, because you overpowered him. You just being you were basically… un-turn-downable."

Jacen looks a little uncomfortable at that. "I could see what he wanted, and some of the things he was remembering. Apparently, Jon has had some very good times over the years. I couldn't feel them. I don't have any empathy, beyond the ability to figure out what people likely should be feeling given what they're thinking. But I know what he was thinking, and whatever was in the back of his mind, the front of it was perfectly happy to spend some time in a dark corner with me."

Kylo nods at that, and sighs. "Yeah. I know." He sighs again. "You'll hate this. That, and things like that, makes me more wary about moving forward, because if you've got enough empathy, it's not just easy, it's pretty much unavoidable, to take the other person into account. And without it, it's really easy to just take you and your wants and needs into account."

Jacen's quiet for a moment, sensing what Kylo isn't saying. "He cut you off from it? Who are you thinking of? And, what happened to his face?"

Kylo sighs at that. "That's Snoke."

Jacen winces a bit. "And that's why we never saw him. Just putting the mark of the First Order on everything makes a lot more sense now."

Kylo doesn't dispute that. "I never knew what happened to his face, but, as you noticed, it wasn't pretty. And… For a long time, I felt everyone and everything very intensely. When I left Luke to go to Snoke, that dulled down, a lot. It didn't vanish, but it was significantly less intense. Then I found Rey, and I could feel her, very brightly."

"You killed Snoke, and… It's coming back."

"But not the level it was before. I'm not sure if I'm burnt out, or developed enough emotional calluses that it's not as fierce. I… prefer it this way. It's easier not to know what everyone thinks/feels about you all the time."

Jacen inclines his head on that. "This might be your natural level. If he could tamp you down, he could probably nudge the sensitivity up, too."

Kylo blinks slowly at that. He's never put that idea together, but… "Fuck." A lot of pieces all fall into place. He was a naturally sensitive child, but not necessarily that sensitive. And… he thinks back, he doesn't remember ever getting hit with approval, or pleasure, or… He inhales sharply, it's just not possible, not rationally, not logically, that no one, ever, in his entire life, ever managed to approve of anything he did. It's just… not. He just never felt it. He was constantly being fed a diet of every doubt, second thought, ill opinion, an uncensored gut reaction of everyone around him, but he never got the other side, so he just assumed there wasn't one. "Fuck," he says it softly, again.

Jacen sighs, too. "That's why you're afraid of what I'll do. Someone overpowered you, and you couldn't say no, could you?" Jacen glances at Kylo's training saber, and feels the sore spot on his leg. He doesn't have to say it, they both remember. Just because some maniac broke your legs, doesn't mean you need to do it to me.

That pulls Kylo to here and now. "I… don't know. I cut the fucker in half, so at least once I managed it, but I don't know how much of the rest was me doing what he wanted. And I'm not afraid for you, not like that. You aren't… evil. But, I am afraid that you'll… Be who you are." Jacen doesn't like that, so Kylo quickly adds, "And it's not bad or wrong or anything like that. It's just… Young. Inexperienced. Too-confident. Self-centered in a completely normal and rational sort of way." Kylo's quiet for a few moments, and Jacen lets him sort this out. "But for you, it's dangerous in a way that it's not for most people. Finn's got a bad plan. The people around him can smack him upside the back of the head and tell him it's a bad plan. You launch a bad plan. Everyone around you nods and tells you what a great idea it is."

Jacen's not thrilled with that, either, but he also knows it's not wrong. When he came up with the plan to get out of the circus everyone thought it was splendid. And… maybe if someone who wasn't fourteen had done the planning, more of them would have gotten to the Order recruiting center alive.

"Yeah, I didn't want to hear that either. Not now, not then, not ever. It's still true. The more power you have, the harder it is to take good advice, the harder it is to get it, and the more damage you can do by not taking it."

They're both quiet, because Jacen knows that the only thing he can do to prove he's worth this is grow up, and it's the only thing he can't make himself do any faster than he already is.

Kylo pulls his saber to hand. "Luke didn't much like teaching us this. Working with the droid to deflect shots was fine, but letting us fight each other made him very nervous. I think it's useful, not… Just because I use it as a way to burn through the dark, twisty thoughts, but because it's an exercise in discipline and patience. It's about being aware of who's around you, and what they're doing. It's… figuring out what's coming, and learning to trust your instincts."

"You want to train up my empathy by fighting?"

"That's how I'd do it. It doesn't have to be how you do it. But… Let's… find a way that works, for both of us, to work on that. When you can reliably get a feel for the emotions, not just thoughts, of the people around you, we'll start working more on your voice control. Is that… a good compromise?"

"It's… frustrating."

"I know. I can feel it."

Jacen snorts at that.

"If you want to work on a wrist blade… I have one… It's…"

"Who's the ginger?" Jacen can see who Kylo's thinking about. The man he took that blade off of. "Oh… Shit… Uh…" He looks deeply disturbed. And how Kylo took it.

Kylo nods. "It's complicated. But, if you want it, I'll fetch it for you. Though, speaking of things that you can hurt yourself really badly with. This is very much a train up on other weapons first sort of thing. One mistake with that, and you'll have a prosthetic hand."

"He wasn't a fighter." Jacen's still seeing Kylo's image of taking that blade off of Hux's corpse.

"No. He was a killer. He's probably personally responsible for more death than anyone else in the galaxy. That's Armitage Hux, the man who designed Starkiller, and fired it. That's what that blade is for. Killing people. You don't defend with it. It won't deflect a hit. It's, as you said, the last-ditch weapon. It was his last-ditch weapon, too. The only downside, for him, was that when he got to his last breath, it was a fight, against me, and I knew he had that blade. I knew I couldn't stop the blade, but I could stop the arm it was on, and that worked just as well."

"I can only see the sheath in your memory."

"It's a mono-molecular blade. All you'll ever see is the sheath. It's so sharp, the person you hit with it will be dead before they can feel the cut." Kylo can feel the wave of interest off of Jacen. "It's also so sharp, your hand will be on the floor before you know you've cut yourself. I'm really not kidding about the prosthetic." He glances at the chrono. "You're due back home soon, right?"

Jacen rolls his eyes at that. "Yeah. Rey's put me on the kitchen duty rounds. Apparently, I'm grown-up enough for that."

Kylo smirks at that. "Luke did that to me, too. Old enough to make sure the kids don't burn the place down or poison themselves, not old enough to go out into the world alone. Shockingly enough, I was not thrilled with that decision."

Jacen does chuckle at that. He also checks the chrono. "Yeah, I've got to get moving if I want a shower before dinner."

Kylo reaches out, and a moment later they're in the cottage Jacen shares with Critt. "Next time we train, I'll have the blade, and something to start training with one."

"Okay. Uh… Chewie and Finn are taking me out, so it's going to be a few days."

Kylo's not sure how he feels about that. He didn't expect a wave of annoyed jealousy.

"You're projecting. Even I can feel that."

"Yeah." He sighs. "Enjoy it. I've been told she's awfully sweet to fly. Looks like a pile of shit, but handles smooth like…" He pauses and thinks about how his father felt about flying the Falcon, about the words Han didn't say, because they were completely inappropriate for the seven-year-old who desperately wanted to learn to fly. The ones that didn't make any real sense to Ben, though he remembered them, likely because they didn't make any sense to him. By the time he was Kylo, more than a decade later, he did understand, and they made him distinctly uncomfortable. Like wet lips on a hard shaft. Now… well, he's flown more than a few fine ships over the years, and had some lips on his shaft, and… now he gets it.

So, he says the same thing Han did, "oiled silk."

Jacen smirks at that, too.

There's a knock on the refresher door, and Critt's voice, "You decent in there?"

"Sure," Jacen says as he rinses his toothbrush, whacking the control panel that opens the door with his Force. Once it slides open, and Critt steps in, he says, "Thought you had company tonight."

"Nah. You're heading off early tomorrow, wanted the chance to say goodbye."

Jacen smiles at that, as Critt grabs his own toothbrush and gets to it.

"You look tired." Ever since Rey got him doing some healing, Critt's been way more in tune with how everyone's physical bodies are doing. It's like that one moment found a huge balance point for him, and he's suddenly leaping forward in his Force use development. Sometimes that's good. A week ago a cold started to go around the town, and Critt killed that fucker fast. Other times… Jacen's just glad that Critt's got fuck all for empathy or telepathy, otherwise things would get really complicated, fast.

"Didn't get to sleep until late." He gives Critt a long stare. "Someone was being loud."

Because of his dark skin, it's difficult for most people to tell that Critt blushes very easily. Jacen doesn't need to see the blush to feel it. His empathy isn't great, but… This close, with someone he likes this much… It's there.

"Shit, sorry. Thought you were asleep."

He shrugs. He was asleep, at first. Woke up rock hard, somewhat confused, and it took a moment to sort out what was dream and what was Savarah and Critt having a great time. "It happens. Not your fault I can hear things I shouldn't."

"My fault we were in our living room."

"Magiit had Elias over?" The two oldest girls share a cottage. Unlike Jacen and Critt, their's is one large space, with the cooker on the one end and the beds on the other. Why they didn't set it up as several rooms, Jacen doesn't know, but they didn't.

"Yeah. And… We thought you were asleep. Didn't mean to…"

Jacen waves that off, and again thanks the Force, the stars, and any and all gods who may be looking down on him that Critt is someone he can lie to. "You've got the place to yourself for a few days, going to take advantage of it?"

Critt grins. "I really hope so, but…"

"But?" Jacen's leaning against the sink, looking at his friend, wishing, desperately, that he felt, thought the way he's thinking about Savarah about him, but… He doesn't. He never has and never will. They're friends. And Critt does love him. He knows that. Part of why he hasn't run away is the fact that it's abundantly clear that Critt would miss him, and that he enjoys being with him, and he loves him.

But not the way Jacen wants him to.

And that fucking burns.

This fucking burns, too. But… Critt loves him, and he… wants to be worthy of that. So, "But… Come on, talk to me."

Critt looks a little like he's not sure if this is supposed to be a secret. Then he thinks a bit more, realizes that it couldn't be, after all, if Jacen hadn't slapped the chrono without opening his eyes and rolling right back over, he'd have seen Savarah in bed next to Critt, and says, "She slept over last night."

Jacen hadn't known that. Apparently, he must have actually fallen asleep at some point. Actually, that makes a lot of sense. He might have dreamed a lot of what he 'heard.' "Was it good?"

"Yeah. It's…" Critt's got a dreamy smile on his face. "Good. Really good. But we didn't… you know. Just… And then slept."

"Critt, I can hear the words you aren't saying. So, you might as well just say them, okay?"

Critt shrugs. "I want to. A lot. And, like, all the time."

Fuck, Jacen knows all about that.

"And she does, too, but…" He sighs, and scowls at his toothbrush, as if it's what caused the problems. "Those lessons are still there, you know? The things Kylo talked about, don't give in, and don't want, and be passive and calm, and let the Force provide for your needs, and… And she got it worse. The Bishops told them they'd be punished for all eternity for fucking if they didn't marry first. And… We know it's not… real, you know?"

"I know. But it is, isn't it?"

"Yeah. So…" He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "That's… limiting. There's what we want, and where we're comfortable, and where we want to be, but… It doesn't feel right, yet."

"Then wait."

"I don't want to wait! What if I can't get rid of it? What if it never feels right, because… I'm supposed to be some calm, celibate Jedi off meditating his wants away, and disciplining himself with the Force."

Jacen hates the fact that part of him preens at this, because it means Critt's not going to be fucking Savarah anytime soon.

"You know that's shit."

"I do, but…"

"Yeah. I know. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Sooner or later, it will. I'm sure of that." He rolls his eyes savagely. Now he gets a fucking flash of the future. "That wedding Rey and Kylo are talking about. We're going to be there. You and her and a beach and starlight and bonfires. Romance overload. It's going to feel right. Just… give it time." The shape of another flash, not as real, or shaped, but... "And use the damn slicks. I'm too young to be an Uncle."

Critt laughs at that, and then smiles at Jacen, and hugs him. "I'm gonna miss you."

Jacen holds on just a hair too tight and a second too long. Then he steps back. "I'm only going to be gone a few days." This time. He's fairly sure he can't keep doing this.

It hurts.

But that hurt buys him hugs, and Critt looking at him like he's awesome, and…

Run away.