A/N: I have had this written for a long time, and have never been sure if it worked or not.

Chapter 1

Olivia Benson could go fuck herself as far as Amanda Rollins was concerned. She took a juvenile pleasure in the way the crib door slammed shut and shook in it's frame when she propelled it back after crossing the threshold.

She had not leaked that stupid video to the press. Amanda shuddered a little as she thought back to being in the bathroom of the club, the hands of Bobby D'Amico and his little friend Noel Panko all over her, roaming up her thighs and trying to force her onto her knees. Hearing herself in her own head begging them to stop…I'm saying no…and despite telling herself she was perfectly in control, the desperation in her voice had sounded a little too real, even for her own liking.

Amanda sat down on one of the old, creaking cot beds. She needed to cool down before going back into the squad room because if she saw Olivia again in the immediate future, she was going to say something she would live to regret.

And as it was, she was living with enough regrets.

As the minutes ticked over and her anger receded, Amanda felt too many things she did not like creeping into the space left behind: fatigue, shame…the threat of tears. She swallowed a golf ball sized lump that had risen to obstruct her airway, and blinked heavily against the heat at the back of her eyes.

The crib door creaked wearily open, and when Olivia stepped through it, Amanda did not bother to hide the exaggerated roll of her blue eyes.

"Amanda-"

"Leave me be," she snapped, and she crossed her arms across her chest for a second before hastily undoing the action, embarrassed rather than satisfied by her second childish response of the afternoon. She did not have the strength to go another round with her lieutenant just yet. The bone-deep tiredness from juggling her job and new born had sapped her of her energy. It was nothing, nothing at all to do with what happened in the bathroom. Or the memories it had caused to resurface.

"Amanda…you know I don't take no for an answer…"

"Amanda?"

"Hmm?" Amanda jolted slightly and looked up to Olivia. Shit, she had tuned out there for a second.

"Are you ok?" Olivia asked, brown eyes filled with concern.

Amanda rolled her eyes again. Rather that retreat and leave her be like she had just requested, Olivia ignored her and came and sat down beside her on the bed. The old springs of the thin mattress groaned under the added weight of the second woman. She could feel Olivia's gaze on her; her small slip in concentration had, of course, not gone unnoticed. And it was unlikely to go unquestioned, either. Amanda sighed and fought the urge to budge down to the bottom of the bed, to put as much space between herself and her boss as possible.

"Carisi told me you were upset about what happened at the club," Olivia said.

Amanda bit the tip of her tongue for a second, fighting against the screaming rage that once again reared up and roared in her ears; all presence of everything else was beaten back by her anger once more. All progress she had made on the way to calming down was undone. Traitor. She made a mental note to have it out with him later.

"Carisi needs to learn to keep his mouth shut," Amanda spat, her tone thick with distain and her eyes looking anywhere but back at Olivia.

"So, you're not denying you're upset about it?"

The audacity of the woman. The fury within Amanda deafened her now. And she had always had her daddy's temper, after all. And his impulsivity.

Merry Christmas, Mandy…

She whimpered at the memory; she could not push it all down any more, and she lunged to her feet and hit out against the metal post of the bunk cot beds opposite her, shoving it with as much strength as she could muster, her right palm bearing the brunt of the impact. The pain was white hot, and it shot up her arm and settled somewhere round her elbow. It made her nauseous. How dare Olivia call her a liar - to her face no less, then come after her not fifteen minutes later filled with faux sympathy and understanding for her plight? Trying to pry into her mind and her feelings?

"Hey!" Olivia shouted, alarmed, and suddenly she was behind Amanda, grabbing her hand as it rebounded from the blow, "What the hell are you doing?"

Amanda was panting raggedly.

"I'll keep my lips sealed if you won't…"

"Amanda…You know I don't take no for an answer…"

It was not Olivia she was angry with, not really. It was herself. Bobby. Noel. Patton. Her father. Her tipping point in the bathroom had been when Bobby had pinned her wrist above her head. Only the one, not both like Patton had. But it had been a similar enough action to propel her back to a sweaty Atlanta motel room. She needed to go home and take a shower. The hands of too many creeps were all over her.

"Amanda?" Olivia spoke her name to garner her attention, and she stared hard into her blue eyes – searching for what, Amanda did not know. She was back in the crib now, with Olivia. She realised she had been lost in her own head again for a few moments. She barely met Olivia's concerned gaze for a few seconds, before landing her stare on where their hands joined, Olivia's thumb rubbing gently over and over again, across her sore and scarlet palm.

Amanda pulled her throbbing hand away and rubbed it herself with her other one. Usually, it was the vending machine she smacked around, and it tended to be a slightly more forgiving victim. "I'm not upset about what happened in the club," she eventually responded, an untruth, "I'm upset because you called me a liar," Amanda said through gritted teeth, and she stepped back to sit down again. Olivia followed suit. The irony of lying whilst claiming to be upset at being branded a liar was not lost on Amanda.

"I know you weren't lying," Olivia said, and Amanda raised her eyebrows in response. "That's why I came to find you…to say I am sorry."

Amanda had not expected that.

"What's changed?" she questioned, her voice softer this time, for she was disarmed by this new information.

"I found out who leaked the video," Olivia admitted.

"Ha!" Amanda snorted, rolled her eyes once more and crossed her arms again – and kept them like that this time – "So not because you realised that you can trust me, after all," Amanda nodded, "Great, that makes me feel so much better-"

"Amanda, stop!" Olivia showed Amanda her palms, "I'm sorry how that conversation played out, ok?"

But it was not ok. Amanda thought back two years, to when she had royally fucked up, let herself down, let her squad down…let Olivia down. She thought back to only getting out of it with her career – and her freedom, no less – intact, but for the grace of God (or, more accurately, the grace of Declan Murphy).

"May the road rise up to meet you, Detective…"

She thought back to standing before Olivia in her office and being told if it had been possible to transfer Amanda out of her sight with immediate effect, Olivia would have done it in a heartbeat. Or words to that effect. That Declan Murphy may have trusted her, but Olivia Benson did not. Amanda had spent every day since trying to claw her way back into Olivia's good graces, only to be told two years down the line she had made no progress at all. Olivia still had trust issues with her, still thought Amanda to be the "asking for forgiveness rather than permission" version of herself she had been working so hard to distance herself from.

Amanda swallowed thickly when she realised that maybe Olivia was right. Maybe Amanda was untrustworthy. She had gone off the deep end – again – and put herself in a huge amount of danger. She was not even kidding herself anymore, pretending that she had been in control throughout her second bout of unauthorised undercover work. She had been far from in control. What was more, she had been frightened. And it had been pure luck that she had managed to get the better of Bobby, and not the other way around. She could easily have been raped. Again. Amanda took a deep, shuddering breath. If there was one thing she was certain of, it was that she could not survive it twice…Jesse's beautiful little face flashed into her mind. How could she jeopardise herself like that, when her baby girl relied on her, and her alone?

"Amanda?"

"Fuck," Amanda muttered as she startled back to the present for the third time. She needed to get a grip. She swiped angrily at the tears in her eyes.

"Where do you keep going? Because you're hardly here, and to be honest, I'm starting to worry," Olivia reached out and covered Amanda's injured hand with one of her own.

Amanda regretted her little outburst, and not just because her hand was agony, but because it had made Olivia unduly concerned for her. And Olivia's concern made her twitch, because it usually involved a lecture on the merits of therapy, and how she could benefit from it. Something else Amanda was reluctant to admit Olivia was probably right about. But there was no way she could let a shrink anywhere near her head. The consequences would be nuclear. No, her psyche was a can of worms best left securely sealed.

Damage control. That is what she needed to execute now. A huge dose of damage control.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda apologised sincerely, now she realised that her misdirected anger towards Olivia did warrant an apology, "I'm just…pissed off."

"With me?" Olivia questioned, but gently so, void of judgement and concerned only with Amanda's current state. Which only made Amanda feel worse.

"No," Amanda shrugged slightly, "Mostly with myself…and Bobby D'Amico…and the system…I know I shouldn't have done what I did, Liv, I know it was reckless and stupid…dangerous," Amanda coughed coarsely against the fear that rose up in her throat, that threatened to choke her; against the gruesome possibility of what nearly could have been. She roughly ran the fingers of her left, uninjured hand through her long blonde hair and massaged her fingertips against her scalp. On top of everything else, she was getting the mother of all tension headaches, "But Kristi just got to me. She deserved justice."

"She did," Olivia nodded in agreement, "But you can't endanger yourself to give someone else justice, Amanda. Just because it worked out, doesn't mean it's ok. The ends don't justify the means."

"I know, I know," Amanda rocked forwards with frustration and leaned her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together, "And I am truly sorry, ok," she looked over her shoulder and met Olivia's eyes properly for the first time, "I'm angry with myself for being so stupid, for putting myself in danger when I have got Jesse to consider now…and I'm angry with myself for destroying your trust in me…again." Amanda looked away, focused on picking at a broken nail. It was too hard to look Olivia in the eye and be so honest.

Olivia left Amanda hanging in uncomfortable silence for several long moments.

"I do trust you, Amanda," Olivia said, finally, "And I'm sorry I said what I did… I was just so angry with the whole situation and it came out badly. Do you really think I'd have kept you in this squad if I didn't trust you?" she asked, when Amanda did not respond.

Amanda shrugged again, and kept her eyes trained on her hands. Her vision blurred with tears she willed to disappear. She had embarrassed herself enough, she did not need to cry in front of her lieutenant to top it off. However, Amanda figured she had not hidden her upset well enough when she felt Olivia's hand on the small of her back.

"I wish you would have come and talked to me about it, and not gone via Carisi," Olivia said softly, and she rubbed lightly back and forth with her hand against Amanda's back in encouragement, "Talk to me, now, Amanda," she encouraged.

"That wasn't what I did," Amanda croaked, and she turned around to Olivia despite the tears in her eyes. Olivia was too shrewd; Amanda could not hide anything, "I didn't think he'd tell you. I told him because I thought he was my friend, because I thought I could trust him."

"Don't write him off just yet," Olivia gave her a small smile and continued to lightly stroke her back, "He told me out of concern, not malice."

"I know," Amanda agreed, and she leaned back to sit level with Olivia again, causing the other woman's hand to fall away. She missed the contact immediately. It was rare she was ever offered any physical comfort. "There isn't a malicious bone in his body," Amanda stated, and with that, all the ill-will she was harbouring towards her colleague for going behind her back to their boss disappeared. Disappeared, or transferred onto herself, Amanda was not quite sure, but she was aware that she suddenly felt even more wretched. The guilt at directing any sort of anger towards Carisi, the most harmless and inoffensive man she knew brought fresh tears to her eyes. Amanda brought her hands up to her face and pressed the heels of her hands against her burning eyes before the moisture had chance to dribble down her cheeks. Unable to supress the building emotion any further, she was ashamed by the soft sob that escaped her lips. Olivia did not speak, but Amanda felt the other woman's gentle touch again, but this time she stroked softly and soothingly up and down one of her forearms rather than her back. Olivia tried to lightly pull the arm she was touching away from Amanda's face, but she stopped the second Amanda resisted and allowed her to hide.

"Amanda," Olivia's voice was almost a whisper, "It's ok to feel like this, it's ok to recognise you feel like this," Olivia corrected herself, and Amanda felt her lips trembling. Despite hiding her eyes, Olivia could see right through her, right into her, and it disturbed her, "I can't count how many times I have seen that video now, and Amanda, what happened to you in there doesn't horrify me any less the more I see it. And being there unauthorised and undercover meant there was no help coming if things went wrong, and you knew that. But you didn't deserve to be assaulted no matter how you ended up there," the tension in the air was palpable as Olivia paused, "You've never deserved that," she stated emphatically.

Olivia's last sentence, or maybe when it dawned on Amanda what she was really alluding to, triggered something inside that she could not identify, only it brought forth a need in her to argue.

"No," Amanda responded immediately, and she dropped her hands from her face to her lap. Olivia's hand came with her arm, and settled loosely over the back of her wrist. The same wrist Bobby D'Amico had pinned above her head to assault her. The same wrist Charles Patton had pinned above her head to assault her. Despite having found a little peace from the tactile comfort she had been (undeservingly) given over the past little while, suddenly she did not want anyone touching her there and she wrenched her hand away far more harshly than the slack grip Olivia had on her required. "No," Amanda repeated, her voice stronger this time, and she also shook her head for emphasis. She stood up and began to pace around the crib. She could not cope with Olivia's proximity while she was evidently so transparent, "It was my fault, I- I, put myself in a bad situation," she stammered, and the last thing she saw before salty tears blurred her vision again was Olivia raising her eyebrows.

"Now, where have I heard that before?" Olivia questioned rhetorically, and Amanda span round on her heel to face away from Olivia. She leant forward and rested her head against the cold metal bar of the bunks she had taken her frustration out on earlier, in attempt to soothe the banging in her head.

"Stop it," Amanda sobbed, uselessly. She was coming undone again, but not with anger this time. This was worse, because this was hurting her. It was hurting her more than her anger could, overwhelming her to such a degree that her resistance was futile. The ragged sobs that poured out from her, staccato in rhythm, only highlighted her failing attempt to not do this in front of Olivia. It was killing her chest, making her heart feel like it was about to explode.

"What're we talking about here, Amanda?" Olivia asked, her voice painfully sympathetic, "What happened with Bobby D'Amico? Or what happened with Charles Patton?"

Amanda squeezed her eyes shut in a last-ditch attempt to block out the horror in which she was drowning. Seized with anxiety at the sound of Patton's name being spoken aloud, she used her good hand to grip onto the bar of the bunk against which her head was leaning, needing the support to remain upright. She moaned in response – in despair – unable to form the words to voice the answer to Olivia's question.

Both.

"What Bobby and Noel did to you…did it trigger memories of what Patton did to you?" Olivia asked, her fourth unanswered question in a row. So, Olivia answered for herself this time, "I think it did, didn't it? I think that when I came up here before, and I kept having to pull your attention back to me…I think you were having flash backs, weren't you?

Amanda's breathing picked up in response. She could not speak. The panic was consuming her from the inside out. She needed Olivia to do something – to make it stop. She had not been so powerless against it for years – Patton's drawling voice, the combined scents of stale sweat and bourbon engulfed her senses.

Come and sit back down," Olivia invited, her voice vague and echoey, present only at the edge of her mind. Amanda heard the soft pats of Olivia's hand against the space Amanda had not long vacated. "Talk to me, let me help," Olivia offered.

Amanda's eyes remained closed against the onslaught of feelings and emotions, against the sensations that were assaulting her now: phantom hands around her wrists, knees pushing her legs apart, fingers digging harshly into the soft skin of her inner thighs. It was all too much to bear, and she was such an idiot, because she had brought this all on herself. There was no way she could make the few steps back to where Olivia sat without collapsing. Her breathing was too fast, vying to get in amidst the sobs that were also coming too quickly. Her head was spinning and for a few awful moments Amanda thought she might be sick with the dizziness. She swallowed when she could, to try to slow herself down. Her feet, as heavy as lead, were rooted to the spot. The knuckles of her left hand were white with the strength of her grip around the bed post.

"I-I can't," Amanda choked, she opened her eyes and brought her bruised hand to her chest in a futile attempt to slow her galloping heart, she moaned in defeat, "Liv," Amanda pleaded her boss' name and feeling like her heart might stop, "It hurts," she looked over to Olivia, who jumped to her feet and dashed the few steps Amanda could not manage.

"Ok, sweetie," Olivia said, understanding what Amanda needed without it having to be voiced, and upon reaching Amanda she wrapped her arms around her, pulled her close and guided her blonde head to rest against her shoulder, "Hold on to me, Amanda," Olivia whispered into her ear, "Just breathe through it, honey, and it'll stop hurting."

Amanda simultaneously released her death grip on the bedpost and brought the other hand away from her chest to reciprocate the hug, and brought both of her arms around Olivia's waist. She leaned heavily against her boss for support now she had let go of the metal pole, riding out her breakdown in the arms of someone she had formerly never imagined confiding in, let alone allowing to see her like this. A few clumsy steps later, Olivia had guided Amanda over to where they had previously been sat and lowered them both down. Olivia was careful not to dislodge Amanda's head from her shoulder, all the while mummering quietly that she was here with her, that she was not letting go.

But Amanda could not stay in Olivia's arms, as much as she wanted to. The need to isolate herself, to self-destruct, to punish herself for all the bad things she had brought on herself was too strong. She wrenched herself from Olivia's grasp and shuffled towards the end of the bed, where she had considered sitting before to get as much physical space between herself and Olivia as possible.

"Hey, where're you going?" Olivia asked, surprised.

Amanda drew her legs up, wrapped her arms around them and buried her face in her knees. She continued to cry hard. She was not able to go far, to run away from this like she wanted when she could barely feel her extremities. She tensed, worried Olivia was angry with her, but her taut muscles relaxed a little when Olivia spoke softly to her again.

"Sweetheart, you need to calm down, ok?"

But Amanda could not calm down on demand, and it was a long while before the sobs she had been choking on began to lessen in intensity. Olivia had once again taken to rubbing a hand up and down her trembling back, comforting and soothing and coaxing Amanda to relax into a calmer state. Amanda was grateful for the stream of continuous words of comfort that poured out from Olivia, as they drowned out the constant echoing of, "You know I don't take no for an answer…" which had taken to replaying itself on a loop around her brain.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" Olivia asked.

Amanda thought for a few moments. Did she? Should she?

"I begged him to stop," Amanda's said eventually; her voice was hoarse from crying. She realised after she had spoken that she had not told Olivia who she had been referring to – Bobby, or Patton. She supposed it did not really matter one way or another. She was not sure she knew herself, if she was honest. She let her eyes close heavily when Olivia smoothed a hand over her hair in response.

"I'm so sorry he didn't," Olivia spoke into her hair, and Amanda became aware Olivia had moved closer, and she felt a strong, safe arm wrap around her shoulders. Olivia encouraged Amanda to lean against her again, and she was overcome with a relief she was not expecting when she rested her weight against the other woman. Olivia exuded an aura of care and compassion which, along with the faint hint of coconut – that had to be shampoo or body wash – made her feel safer and securer than she thought possible.

"I was so scared," Amanda continued, and she thought she should probably be embarrassed. This was Olivia Benson she was falling apart on. Olivia, who she had only ever wanted to prove herself to, earn respect from. But she was too detached from herself to feel what her head was telling her to feel. But at least the crying had stopped thanks to Olivia's comfort. "He hurt me so much," Amanda closed her eyes as she spoke the words she had buried for years. "I thought it was never going to end. I kept thinking about what I'd heard other people say, that after a while you…go numb…stop feeling it. But I never did, Liv," she admitted, "I felt everything…every second of it."

Olivia squeezed her a little tighter in response. Amanda could hear the steady beat of Olivia's heart against her ear.

"He laughed at me when I cried," Amanda admitted, and she kept her eyes closed with her admission. Patton laughing at her, humiliated, bleeding and naked had been the most dehumanising experience of her life. The tone of his voice- even the sound of his breathing had been absolutely intolerable for her in the immediate aftermath. But Amanda had to quickly harden to it, to bury it deep to enable herself to show up for work every day for nearly a year after, before she had managed to transfer to New York. Even when he had come up for the conference and raped poor Reese Taymore, Amanda had not let herself engage with it. She had admitted to exactly as much as she had needed to in order to give credence to Reese Taymore's story, and not a word more. Amanda had admitted to the similarities in their attacks, to try to prove a pattern of behaviour, and nothing else. There was so much more she had not said, and she had wondered on more than one occasion what more Reese might have kept quiet about, too. If they shared more common truths that neither of them were willing to put a voice to.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia whispered.

The emotion evident in Olivia's words caused a shiver down her spine and the hairs on the backs of her arms to stand on end. The older woman had been still and silent for so long, the sound of her voice brought to the surface the magnitude of what Amanda was actually doing: talking about Patton. Talking about her assault. Talking about her rape. And just like that, she could not do it anymore.

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda leaned back to look Olivia in the face as she spoke. Olivia's grip around her loosened slightly, but she did not let go, "I'm sorry I lost control like that."

"You don't have to be sorry, Amanda," Olivia studied her face closely, "I'm sorry you got so upset, but I am glad you're talking to me. I think it is important for you to do that. And I think it is important you keep doing it," Olivia encouraged, obviously having sensed Amanda shutting down, and she looked hard into Amanda's eyes, "This isn't going to go away."

Amanda jostled out of Olivia's arms, uncomfortable with the intensity of the situation and inched away once more.

"I'm fine," Amanda said, and she rubbed her fingertips under her eyes to wipe away streaks of run mascara, "Like I said, I'm sorry-"

"Jesus Christ, Amanda!" Olivia threw her arms up into the air.

Amanda startled violently at the other woman's sudden change in demeanour. The harshness in Olivia's tone and the flash of…anger? exasperation? that crossed her flawless features caused the anxiety within Amanda to bounce back with a vengeance.

"What?" Amanda asked, and she found herself suddenly on the verge of tears once more. She had no reserves, no resilience. She had nothing left. She could feel her heart rate picking up; her hands began to shake. She almost bolted for the door when Olivia reached forwards and placed her hands on Amanda's shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Amanda, I know this is so hard," Olivia looked close to tears, "But you can't ignore this – I am sorry, really, I am," she repeated, "I know you say you've moved past it, but I watched how hard it hit you last time, when Patton came up for the conference…and I'm watching it hit you again, after this case. And these things will keep happening, they'll keep bringing it back to the surface over and over unless you do something about it!"

"Let go," Amanda shook off Olivia's hold. Her boss looked at her in desperation and Amanda felt tears escaping down her face for the countless time. She slipped off the bed to the floor, and brought her knees up to her chest once more. Olivia was wrong. Amanda struggled to catch her breath again as the onslaught of sobs and panic hit her with the force of a train. Olivia was wrong!

Amanda cringed when Olivia dropped to the floor beside her, when the older woman's voice broke on a sob of her own.

"Amanda," Olivia placed her hand on Amanda's shoulder again, but moved it away when Amanda shrugged off her touch, "A few years ago, after Patton's trail, when he had gone back to Atlanta, I said you had an opportunity to move past this…you still do. It isn't too late."

Amanda cried brokenly against her knees and brought her hands up to the sides of her head in distress.

"Oh, sweetheart," Olivia sighed, her voice honeyed and gentle once more, "You're breaking my heart."

"I-I'm so-sorry," Amanda gasped, "I just can't talk about it…I just can't say the words," she needed Olivia to go. To leave her be. To let her get this – whatever this was – out of her system, then she would be ok again. It was just a blip. That was all it was.

"But you can, Amanda. You just did! You told me you were scared, that he hurt you, that he laughed at you…" Olivia trailed off when Amanda sobbed all the harder at hearing her own words spoken back to her, felt as if they were bring used against her, "And you went through what happened with Barba when preparing for court," Olivia pointed out, tried desperately to make Amanda see that she could do this, "You managed to say it then - "

"Oh God, Liv, there's so much more…the stuff I said…no," Amanda shook her head. She was not going to do this, "You'll hate me, Liv," she cried.

"Oh, Amanda! Of course I won't hate you – "

"You will," Amanda interrupted with certainty, "You'll hate me because I'm a weak- I'm a coward, Liv! And I know I said I wasn't a liar, but I am," and with that, Amanda was done. She pressed her hands over her ears, unprepared to listen to any more reason or rationality. She hid her face against her knees, and she sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.