"Chandler, put that out," Joey ordered. Chandler had his head hanging out of the window with smoke billowing around him.

"No," Chandler grunted. "I'm in mourning. I'm entitled."

"Your lungs," Joey shrugged. He went back to his cereal. It had been four days since he and Phoebe talked about going on a date. He was nervous about calling her up for one, and he wasn't sure why. He wanted to ask Chandler, but he didn't think it would be appropriate to talk about it just now since Chandler had lost Janice.

"Come on," Joey called to him. "Let's go get some coffee or something. You can't stay holed up in here forever."

"Yes, I can," Chandler argued.

"We're going," Joey ordered. Chandler came into the kitchen, making Joey wrinkle his nose.

"What?" Chandler demanded.

"You smell like my grandmother," Joey replied.

"Oh that's nice," Chandler snorted.

Later

"So, my sister told me about this cabin," Rachel was saying. "Did you guys want to go skiing?" The gang looked at one another.

"Come on," Ross cajoled. "It'll be fun!" He wasn't sure how much skiing they'd actually be doing, and from Rachel's looks to him, she was on the same page. They needed some time away from wedding planning.

"I am unfortunately stuck helping my sister," Richard said.

"You don't mind if I go?" Monica asked him.

"Not at all," Richard smiled.

"I dunno," Phoebe said. "I've had a bad experience with skiing. One time, I stayed on the lift cos I was afraid to jump."

"We kinda need you to drive," Ross pointed out.

"Oh, then I guess okay," Phoebe nodded.

"I'll go," Joey said quickly. He was thinking this could turn into a date. Phoebe got his message and winked.

"No," Chandler said. He was at Ross' window smoking.

"Oh come on," Rachel said.

"Yea, and shut the window," Joey ordered. "My nipples could cut glass over here."

"Really? Mine get me out of tickets," Phoebe smirked. Joey gave her a surprised look but blushed all the same. Then he couldn't stop thinking about her using her breasts to get out of tickets.

"Chandler, you gotta come," Ross said. "You need to get out of this funk."

"What funk?" Chandler asked, cigarette dangling from his lips.

"At least go for the fresh air," Phoebe suggested. Chandler snorted.

"I'm fine with polluted air thank you," he said.

"You're going even if we have to hog tie you," Ross warned.

"Fine. I'll go, but you can't make me ski," Chandler said.

Day of the ski trip

"Honey? You ready?" Rachel called. Ross came out looking disappointed. "What's wrong?"

"There's been a crisis at work. I can't go," he told her.

"What?"

"I know! I am so bummed. Apparently some hooligans took the liberty of defiling the Stone Age," Ross moaned.

"Oh my," Rachel said, smirking a little.

"You go though," he urged. "Take the break. I'll be fine here."

"Really?" she asked. "I feel bad..."

"Don't. Have a good time for both of us. I'll see you when you get back," he said. She gave him a kiss.

"I'll miss you," she said.

"And I you. Now, I better hurry over there before anything else happens," he sighed.

Later-On the side of the road

"How could you leave the keys in there?!" Monica shouted.

"Hey, it could happen to anybody," Joey said, protecting Phoebe.

"Anyone got a lighter?" Chandler asked.

"Chandler!" Rachel admonished. "You're supposed to be quitting!"

"That wasn't on my to do list," Chandler replied. He hovered by the exhaust pipe, trying to get the tip of his cigarette hot enough.

"I can fix this," Joey said, ignoring them. "Anyone got a coat hanger?"

"Shucks darn," Chandler commented. "I left mine at home with the closet."

"So if your parents hadn't divorced, you'd answer a question like a normal person?" Monica asked.

"Pretty much," Chandler nodded.

"Okay, so next is the wire from someone's bra," Joey said.

"What?!" Rachel exclaimed.

"No way!" Monica added.

"Come on. Who's got the biggest boobs?" he asked, looking at them. "Biggest boobs equals biggest wire."

"Mine are non-existent," Monica said.

"I stuff mine," Rachel piped up. Joey gave her a surprised look.

"Really?" he asked. "You'd still have the biggest bra though."

"I stuff the outside," she corrected.

"All right, someone take of Rachel's bra," Joey ordered.

"Oh all right," Phoebe said, reaching into her shirt. He watched in amazement as she just popped it out through her sleeve.

"Nice," he nodded, giving her an approving look. She winked covertly. He set to work, trying not to think about how Phoebe's breasts were touching the wire in his hands.

"Yay!" she cried when he opened the door. The others piled into the car while Joey handed the wire back to her.

"You can keep it," she said. "Souvenir."

"All right," he agreed, pocketing it. She gave him a sultry look before getting into the car. Joey went around the other side pleased with himself.

Later

"Chandler, put that damn thing out or I'll...I'll..." Rachel couldn't seem to find the words to finish.

"You'll what? Ground me?" Chandler taunted.

"I'll take you off best man duty," Rachel said finally, looking triumphant.

"You wouldn't," Chandler said, scrutinizing her.

"I would," she replied, crossing her arms and giving him a tough look.

"I thought I was the best man," Joey piped in, looking concerned.

"You are now," Rachel nodded.

"Hey! I haven't even lit this yet!" Chandler complained. Rachel looked at him with a raised brow. He flicked his lighter and lit it up. He took in a big drag and exhaled with a look of bliss on his face.

"Okay, now you can give it to him," he said. Joey got excited.

"Isn't Ross going to be upset?" Monica asked Rachel.

"He'll get over it," Rachel dismissed. "Anything to get Chandler to stop smoking."

"But it didn't, and now he's not Ross' best man," Monica pointed out.

"Oh...right," Rachel said, her brow furrowed.

"Hee hee!" Phoebe giggled, coming in. "Someone left behind a free massage pass!" She held it up for them to see.

"No way!" Rachel cried.

"So who gets to use it?" Monica asked.

"Um, well, me, since I found it," Phoebe said.

"Let's compare boob sizes again and the winner gets it," Joey chimed in, nodding emphatically with a grin on his face.

"NO!" all three girls shouted at him. He deflated.

"Whoever is the most miserable should get it," Chandler said from the window. "Oh, look, that's me!"

"You are not getting this pass," Rachel said. "Your misery is self-inflicted."

"Oh, really?" he asked. "Janice picking the King over me was self-inflicted was it?"

"I take it back, I take it back!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Well, I am a massage therapist, so it's only fair that I get a massage," Phoebe said.

"How is that fair?" Monica asked.

"I'm getting married in a few months. That should trump all of you," Rachel pointed out.

"I will never have a baby, so I should get it," Monica threw in. Then she froze. Phoebe and Chandler were gaping at her. She'd forgotten she hadn't told them yet.

"Mon, is that true?" Phoebe asked.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Chandler asked at the same time. He was astonished. He had no idea. No wonder she had been so upset a while ago. Joey rubbed the back of his neck and looked away while Rachel became suddenly interested in the ceiling.

"Wait, they know?" Phoebe challenged, seeing this.

"They caught me at a bad time," Monica answered. "I wasn't planning on telling anyone."

"So that's it. You can't have kids?" Chandler asked.

"Nope," Monica replied, shaking her head.

"That's why you're back with Richard!" Phoebe cried, putting it together.

"That's not the only reason I'm back with Richard," Monica said, exasperated. "I love him."

"But it was a big factor," Phoebe said.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me," Chandler said, getting up and leaving the group. Monica felt terrible he had found out this way.

"Chandler," she tried before he slammed the door.

"You are definitely not getting this pass now," Phoebe huffed, going to her room and slamming the door too. Monica sat there at a loss for words.

"They'll get over it," Rachel reassured her.

"I should have just told them," Monica said.

"It was too personal at the time, I get it," Rachel soothed. Monica didn't feel reassured at all. She felt like she was a horrible person.

"Mon, it's okay," Joey said, getting up to hug her. "They can be mad all they want. It's up to you who you tell stuff to."

"I just need to be alone right now, okay?" Monica said, going to her room and closing the door gently. Then she slid down the door until she was sitting and cried.

Phoebe & Joey

Joey knocked on her door softly, calling her name. She opened it.

"Hey," he said.

"What do you want?" she asked angrily.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It was Monica's news, not mine. It was a complete accident I found out anyway," Joey explained.

"Why couldn't she tell me?" Phoebe asked, getting upset now. "Am I that hard to be real with?"

"No, no," Joey said as she turned and went to sit on the bed, crying. "Monica was trying to deal with it herself before making it public. I just...I caught her in the midst of crying and asked why."

"That's not really making me feel better," Phoebe sniffed.

"Sorry," Joey said, hanging his head.

"I appreciate you trying," she said. "But I just want to be alone right now."

"Okay," he agreed, leaving quietly.

"So," Rachel said when he came back to the living room. "Wanna go skiing?"

The Next Day

It was a quiet ride back home. Monica hadn't come out of her room the entire trip. Chandler had to so he could continue smoking. Phoebe went for the massage because Rachel felt it was only fair since Monica had told her and not Phoebe about the baby thing. Joey had actually enjoyed skiing. He had even gotten Phoebe to go down a few small hills. Chandler flat out refused and sat there puffing away while watching.

"You think if I made him eat them all, he'd stop?" Joey had asked Rachel after a while.

"I doubt it," Rachel had shrugged.

Phoebe stopped outside of Central Perk and waited for Monica, Joey, and Chandler to get out. She hadn't felt like talking. She felt bad that she and Joey hadn't had more alone time like she'd hoped for aside from the skiing. He had taken the opportunity to touch her butt a few times while demonstrating how to ski, and she found she had enjoyed that. She pulled away with Rachel, leaving the other three standing there unsure of what to do or say. Chandler eventually turned to go up to his apartment without a word.

"I don't believe this," Monica said. "He's not going to talk to me?"

"I'm gonna get some coffee," Joey said, gesturing that she follow Chandler. She hurried up the stairs behind Chandler.

"Hey!" she called. He stopped without turning. "What's your problem?"

"What's my problem?" he snapped, looking at her finally. "My problem is my best friend didn't feel she could tell me the most devastating news she'd ever gotten."

"I said I was sorry..." Monica started.

"Yea, well, that doesn't take it back," Chandler scoffed.

"What do you want from me then?" Monica asked.

"Nothing," Chandler answered. "I want nothing from you." He turned and kept going up the stairs. Monica stood there feeling empty and very sad inside. How was she ever going to fix this?

A Week Later

"How could Frank be getting married to that old spinster?!" Phoebe shouted, slamming the door to Monica's apartment. Monica stood in the middle of the living room, looking surprised.

"What?" Phoebe asked, noticing this.

"You're talking to me again?" Monica asked.

"Oh. Right. Damn it. Oh well. You had your reasons," Phoebe said, waving her hand dismissively. "Consider it forgotten. Now, tell me what to do!" Monica wanted to point out how angry Phoebe had been, but she decided against it. Why make things worse? Now it was just Chandler who was ignoring her.

"How old is the woman?" Monica asked, sitting down beside Phoebe at the table.

"Like three times his age!" Phoebe raged. "She was his teacher in high school! She should know better!"

"Okay, sweetie, take a breath," Monica said. Phoebe inhaled and exhaled.

"Nope, still pissed off," she responded.

"I don't really think there's anything you can do. Frank is an adult, and he can make his own choices," Monica told her.

"But he's making the wrong choice!" Phoebe shouted.

"It may look that way, but in his mind, he's not. Phoebs, you gotta just be happy for him," Monica said.

"Okay, I'm not talking to you again," Phoebe said, getting up and leaving.

"Aw Phoebe!" Monica called after her. "Damn it." She dropped her head onto the table in defeat.

Chandler

"This is going to make you stop smoking," Rachel said, handing him a tape. Chandler stuck it on his arm and watched it fall off.

"That's the worst patch I've ever seen," he commented.

"It's a tape, Chandler," Rachel sighed. "It's hypnosis. A girl from work did it, and she hasn't smoked again."

"Really? Hypnosis? I'm not gullible," Chandler snorted.

"Just try it," Rachel pleaded.

"Why do you care that I stop smoking?" Chandler demanded.

"Because it's not healthy and you're my friend and I don't want you to die from lung cancer," Rachel said quickly.

"I see," he replied. "Fine, I'll try it. If it means that much to you."

"Thank you!" she cried, hugging him tightly.

"Can't...breathe..." he choked out. She released him.

"I'll know if you're not listening to it," she warned.

"Okay thanks, Mom," Chandler retorted. He pocketed the tape and stood to leave. He had seen Monica at the door.

"Chandler..." Rachel tried, seeing Monica too.

"No. Just leave it," Chandler said. He pushed past Monica at the entrance. She desperately worked hard not to cry. Chandler ran up to his apartment and tried not to think about the look that had been on her face. He was still angry at her. He didn't know if he even could move on from this one.

The Next Day-Monica

"He is still furious with me," Monica said to Richard. They were at his apartment lying in bed. She was on her back staring at the ceiling.

"I'm sure he'll get over it eventually," Richard reassured her.

"I don't think he will. You should have seen his face..."

"It was like his parents getting a divorce all over again. I know," Richard finished for her. He'd heard it a few times already.

"I'm sorry. I'm obsessing aren't I?" she asked, looking at him.

"You miss your friend. That's okay," he said.

"I do. I miss him. How can I fix this?" she questioned, propping herself up onto her elbow and facing him.

"I don't know, honey," Richard sighed.

"Me either," she said sadly. Richard twiddled his thumbs for a moment before changing the subject.

"So this 20,000 dollar check..." he started.

"It was a joke!" Monica laughed.

"You sure? Seems like a big joke," Richard commented. He was worried about this guy.

"I am not interested," Monica told him, sensing this was what he was thinking.

"Pete Becker is a very wealthy guy," Richard pointed out. "He'd buy you a restaurant I'll bet."

"Richard!" Monica giggled. "I have you. I don't need anyone else, even if they are a millionaire."

"Well that's comforting," he said. She cuddled into him further, and he put his arm around her, kissing her cheek.

"You wanna meet him?" she asked.

"Okay," he agreed.

Ross & Rachel

"Hey, honey," Rachel called.

"Yea?" Ross said, sticking his head around the door of the bathroom.

"How do you feel about Joey being your best man?" she asked, wincing.

"Chandler is my best man," Ross said, confused.

"Yea, well, he wouldn't stop smoking, so I revoked it and gave it to Joey," Rachel explained.

"Rach!"

"I'm sorry! I really thought it would work," Rachel lamented.

"I have to fix it don't I?" Ross asked.

"Uh huh," Rachel nodded.

"All right," Ross sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.

Monica's Apartment

Phoebe and Joey were sitting at the table at Central Perk talking to Rachel when Chandler poked his head in from outside.

"Is she here?" he asked.

"Oh, Chandler," Rachel said, exasperated. "Just come in."

"Answer the question, woman," Chandler ordered. Rachel exhaled loudly.

"She's not here," she told him.

"There, was that so hard?" Chandler asked, coming all the way in.

"Nice briefcase," Phoebe noted.

"Thanks. I don't remember the combination. I just carry it around to look cool," Chandler shrugged. "Anyone got some chapstick?"

"I do," Phoebe said, digging into her purse and pulling it out. Chandler took it from her.

"How are the tapes?" Rachel asked.

"Great! I don't feel the need to smoke at all today," Chandler replied. "You look stunning, by the way."

"Oh my," Rachel said. They all watched as he applied the chapstick in a ladylike way then pressed his lips against a napkin.

"What?" he asked, noticing their stares.

"Dude," Joey said, gesturing. Chandler looked at the napkin for a second before folding it and putting it into his pants pocket.

"I'll see you later," he said, loping out the door.

"Is he becoming a woman?" Phoebe asked, laughing.

"That's ridiculous," Rachel scoffed.

"Oh, I'm late for my 'Talking Frank out of marrying Alice' meeting," Joey said. "See you guys later."

"Phoebs, you really think having Joey talk to Frank is a good idea?" Rachel asked.

"Why not? He's single and has a way with the ladies. I'm hoping he'll show Frank all that and make him forget Alice," Phoebe explained.

"Oh, honey. I admire your optimism," Rachel said.

"Thanks!" Phoebe smiled.

"I gotta get to work. Let me know how it goes, okay?"

"Sure. Go sell some clothes!" Phoebe called after her, making Rachel laugh to herself.

Later

"You're Frank's best man?!" Phoebe said, appalled. Joey nodded enthusiastically. It had been Ross' proposition since he had taken Chandler back as his best man again.

"His love is so pure. I'm actually jealous," he told her. She turned to Ross.

"And you?"

"I'm the ring bearer," he said sheepishly. It was the deal he made with Joey as a way of punishment for taking the best man position away from him.

"I...wha-" Phoebe started. Chandler walking past wrapped in a towel under his armpits with a towel on his head made her stop talking. Ross and Joey stared after him.

"What the hell is on those tapes?" Ross demanded.

"Nothing good!" Joey exclaimed.

Monica

"Is he coming today?" Richard asked. He wanted to see the man who thought he could buy his girlfriend.

"He'll be here," Monica laughed. "Have patience."

"Patience is my middle name," Richard told her.

"There he is," Monica said suddenly. "Be cool!"

"I'm always cool," he said, faking a hurt expression.

"Hey," Pete said to Monica. "The usual."

"Coming up," she replied. There was a moment of silence before Pete spoke again.

"So?"

"So what?" Monica asked.

"Did I tip too much? I have a problem with that," Pete laughed.

"Oh this?" Monica commented, pulling out the check. "Yea, just a bit." She slid it over to him.

"I don't understand," Pete said. "This is for you." He looked up at her.

"I'm not interested," she told him.

"There's a connection between us," Pete said. "I can feel it."

"No, there isn't," Monica said firmly.

"Give it a chance," Pete begged.

"The lady said no, so back off already," Richard piped in. Pete stared at him.

"Oh okay. Who's this then? Someone you paid to scare me off?" Pete snorted. "What's she paying you? I'll double it."

"She pays me with sex," Richard told him. Pete paled.

"O-oh?"

"Yea," Richard confirmed. Pete looked at Monica for her response.

"I do," she smiled. "Pete, meet Richard, my boyfriend."

"H-hi," Pete stuttered. "I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have..."

"It's all right," Richard said. "My girlfriend is hot. I get it." Pete blushed scarlet.

"I'll just go," he said to Monica. "Sorry for wasting your time."

"Bye, Pete," Monica called as he left. She gave Richard a look.

"What?" he asked.

"'She pays me in sex?'" she inquired. "Where did that come from?"

"I'm just a funny guy," Richard smiled. Monica shook her head and laughed at him. She really had lucked out.

Even Later

"I am the WORST person in the world!" Phoebe shouted, slamming the door behind her.

"You're talking to me again?" Monica asked hopefully.

"Yea, I guess I am," Phoebe huffed. Monica did a little happy dance in her chair before Phoebe's glare cut her off.

"So, why are you the worst person in the world?" Monica asked after clearing her throat.

"I made Alice tell Frank he was too young for her, and now he's in the worst pain in the world. I did that. Me. What am I going to do?" Phoebe asked, falling into the chair beside Monica's.

"I think you should talk to Alice again," Monica suggested.

"Yea! Maybe she can explain it to him better!" Phoebe said, getting excited.

"No, no that's not what I meant..." Monica tried. Phoebe was already out the door. "Oh, man," Monica groaned.

The Next Day-Joey

"Hey," he said, seeing Phoebe come into the cafe. She looked rough. "How did it go?"

"They started making out," Phoebe sighed, sitting down beside him. "I think the wedding is back on."

"When two people are in love like that, it's best not to think you can change it," Joey said, patting her leg.

"Maybe you're right," Phoebe agreed. She looked at him and smiled.

"So," he said.

"So," she echoed.

"What about us?" he asked. He'd been wanting to for a while, but she had been so worked up about Frank that he didn't want to add more to her plate.

"Hmm that's a good question," she nodded. "What are you thinking?"

"Dinner?" he suggested.

"I like dinner," she smiled.

"I'll pick you up at six?"

"Sure," she agreed.

"Hey, I know what's on those tapes," he said eagerly. He told her, and she burst out laughing.

"Oh my God!"

"I know! I'm gonna record over it so tonight he'll hear my voice telling him what to do," Joey sniggered.

"That's brilliant," Phoebe said, high fiving him.

Rachel & Ross

Rachel groaned in frustration, her head in her hands pulling back her hair tightly. Ross came up behind her and looked over her shoulder.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" he asked.

"It doesn't matter where I put people someone is going to have a fight," Rachel moaned.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, my own parents for starters. They can't be in the same room without screaming at each other. Then there's Aunt Ruth who claims Aunt Jane stole her expensive perfume from her purse ten years ago and hasn't ever let it go. Then cousin Steve hates my sister's boyfriend, and Jill isn't really talking to Uncle Martin, and one of the waiters slept with my cousin Stacy and never called her back so she really can't sit anywhere..."

"Okay, whoa!" Ross said, taking her hands in his. She looked at him with an exhausted expression. "This is our day, do you hear me? Our day. Everyone else can just suck it up for one day. This day is about you and me, and that's all that matters."

"You're right," she said, exhaling heavily. "You're absolutely right."

"So," Ross said, moving the names around on the seating chart. "These people can just sit where we damn well put them."

"I love you," Rachel said suddenly, reaching out and touching his face.

"I love you too," he replied, kissing the palm of her hand. For a moment, everything felt at peace.

Chandler

He was picking up his paper in the hall when Monica's door opened. He went to jump back into his apartment when he saw it was Emily.

"Oh, you're back," he said. She smiled.

"Yes. For a week or two anyway," she replied. They stood in the hall awkwardly for a moment.

"So, I'll see you around," Chandler said, turning to go back inside.

"She really misses you, you know," Emily said suddenly. He turned back. "Like REALLY misses you. I hear her crying at night because she wants you to be her friend again. She really is sorry. If it were me, I wouldn't have told many people either. I truly believe the others found out by accident. Try to forgive her, okay?"

"Uh, okay. This isn't any of your business," Chandler scoffed.

"I know. Who am I, right? Just think about it," Emily suggested before going back inside. He stood there fiddling with the paper in his hands before going back inside.

A Week Later

"Hey, Monica?" Emily asked when she came out of the bathroom.

"Yea?"

"Chandler was here. He left you this," Emily said, handing her a piece of paper.

"Oh, thanks," Monica said. Emily smiled and went back to her newspaper. Monica opened the note and saw the familiar handwriting.
Mon, I know why you didn't tell me. I'm sorry I disregarded your pain like that. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I forgot other people could hurt too. I decided to imagine myself in your position, and I get it completely. I wouldn't tell me either. I believe you didn't mean for the others to find out. I'm sorry. Forgive me?

"Something good then?" Emily asked, noticing Monica's smile.

"Yea. Something really good," Monica replied. She folded the note back up and walked to her bedroom to put it away.

"Good boy," Emily smiled to herself.