Chapter 2

At some point, Olivia had managed to cajole Amanda forward a little, and she had slipped down behind her, enveloping the smaller woman in a strong embrace. Cradled between her arms and legs, Olivia's chin was hooked over Amanda's shoulder, and her head leaned against the side of the shaking blonde's. For a long while, Amanda was too consumed by her own distress to take in anything Olivia was saying to her, but as the minutes passed by and Amanda exhausted herself to the point of silence, the voice of her boss had begun to penetrate through to her once more.

"It's ok, Amanda," Olivia murmured, "You're going to be ok," she repeated, "I'm right here with you." Amanda figured Olivia had been speaking similar reassuring sentences to her over and over until she had calmed down enough to listen and converse again. Amanda's eyes were watering and they stung hotly from crying. Her head throbbed with every beat of her heart, and she wanted nothing more than to get up off the floor and lie down to sleep, no matter how old and uncomfortable the mattresses here were. Amanda was confused and conflicted, less angry towards Olivia now, but unsure if she could trust her. After all, Olivia obviously did not trust Amanda, having only accepted the truth around the leaking of the video to the press from a source other than herself. She hovered between wanting to break out of Olivia's hold, and surrender to it further.

"Can I go home, Liv?" Amanda sounded congested, and she rubbed her hand across her forehead, "I don't feel too good…my head hurts…I'll stay late tomorrow." She turned slightly in Olivia's arms when the other woman did not immediately answer, and dragged her sore eyes to meet the concerned brown ones behind her. She observed as Olivia worried her lip, deep in thought.

"I can't keep you here and obviously I am not expecting you to do any more work today, but I'm a bit reluctant to let you walk out of here on your own," Olivia eventually responded.

Amanda looked away and stared down at her knees. The truth was, she did not really want to go home and be on her own, but she was unsure as to what alternative there was, seeing as how she lived alone and had a small baby to care for. She had said she did not want to talk anymore; she had repeatedly pushed Olivia away, but the idea of having a night alone full of flash backs and nightmares was not one that appealed to her.

"I'm sorry if I came on a little strong just now," Olivia apologised, "I don't want to force you into talking about anything you don't want to…or anything you're not ready to…I just feel so helpless, Amanda. And I want to help you so much." Olivia's hands held both of Amanda's across her midriff, and she gave them both a comforting squeeze when Amanda sniffled and welled up again. Olivia traced her thumb around the purple bruise forming on Amanda's palm. "Come back to my place, rest, and think about talking some more…because I don't think you're a coward, Amanda," Olivia said, referring back to the last words Amanda had been able to voice before she had been devoured by her pain, "And you're definitely not weak. And whatever you think makes you a liar…well…I have a feeling that's probably not what you think it is, either."

Amanda mulled over the irony of this, considering how sure Olivia had been that she had sent her undercover video to the news.

"What about Jesse?" Amanda asked, dodging Olivia's reminder of her words, and the awful conversation in the office that had led them to the situation they were in now.

"Well…I guess she can come over, too," Olivia chuckled.

Amanda smiled a small smile at the slight lightening of the mood, but quickly stopped and flinched. She raised a hand to her aching head. Despite her reservations, she leaned back against Olivia's chest and rested her head back against her lieutenant's shoulder. "Ouch," she muttered, her sea blue eyes drifting closed again. Olivia held onto her a little tighter in response.

"There's no rush," Olivia said, "When you feel up to it, we'll move."

Amanda nodded silently. She was wary of going to Olivia's place. There was so much within her which had remained unsaid. She had stored it up inside of her for what felt like forever, and now she had acknowledged it existed (not just to herself, but to Olivia, too) she was so confused as to where to go with it next. If she went back to Olivia's apartment, Amanda would only cause her superior further disappointment. Either with the truth, or her inability to put her voice to it. Olivia doubted her weakness, her cowardice…and now her dishonesty. But if she told Olivia everything…if she really told her…Amanda physically trembled at the notion. All of Olivia's doubt would surely be erased. And she would not survive Olivia's rejection. Not after this; this comfort, this compassion that she had been shown right here, held tight on the hard, cold, dusty floor of the crib. She was a fraud, and Olivia would see it all when she revealed the truth that would show just how unlovable she had been rendered. Her heart ached for this: friendship and support; loyalty and care from a woman as strong and safe as Olivia. But no matter how hard she tried, no matter how many well-intentioned undercover operations she partook in to deliver justice for another, she would never be worthy.

When Amanda started to cry again, the sobs were softer, quieter, and represented defeat rather than the desperate rage against the hurt and anguish of before. It was in acceptance of the fact she was going to do what she always did: fail someone important to her. She was backed into a corner, and as always, Amanda only had herself to blame. She was going to destroy whatever faith in her Olivia may have left, and this time, there would be no coming back.

"Hey," Olivia soothed, when she noticed Amanda was crying once more, and she started to rock her gently from side to side. Olivia shushed her softly, the way Amanda might when settling a fussy Jesse, and she felt Olivia's breath ruffle the delicate strands of hair at her temple, "What's got you so upset again?" Olivia brought one of her hands up and traced delicate circles with a fingertip on Amanda's forehead, "Tell me what's going on in here," she whispered, "Stop keeping it all locked away."

"I don't know where to start," Amanda eventually admitted, and Olivia's arms settled around her middle again.

"Ok…well, let's break it down," Olivia reasoned, "You said you are liar. What do you think you've lied about?"

"What happened. I told you…there was so much more than I ever admitted to," she was deliberately vague, and Amanda inwardly cringed at herself. She had started off down this road with Olivia. There was no going back. She may as well have vomited the whole ugly truth in one go. Got it over with. But somehow, she could not do anything other than dance around it.

"Are you telling me he assaulted you more than once?" Olivia eventually asked in search of clarity, and after a few moments of contemplative silence, sensing Amanda's inability to address it first.

"Uh," still, Amanda faltered at the secret she had harboured for so long finally being revealed, "He…I…," Amanda paused, and when the words failed her, she mustered the courage to nod her head in confirmation instead.

"I am so sorry, Amanda," Olivia said, the she added, "I understand how hard it was for you to admit that, so thank you for your honesty."

But to Amanda, the words Thank you for your honesty translated to her worst fears, to her being branded a liar once more.

Amanda's tears began to fall faster. Every time she thought she was spent, too exhausted to endure any more pain, she was proven wrong, "I'm sorry Liv, if I'd have told someone straight away…" the rest of Amanda's sentence got lost in her grief.

"Oh, honey," Olivia sighed, and she resumed her steady rocking of the distraught woman in her arms, "I didn't mean…I absolutely do not think this makes you a liar," Olivia pointed out, as if she had read her mind.

"How- how did you…?" Amanda trailed off.

"How did I know that's what you're thinking?" Olivia supplied, "Well, firstly, I know you. Better than you think I do. And secondly, I've been doing this job a long time. Keeping something secret doesn't equate to a lie," Olivia repeated for reinforcement, "And it doesn't hold you responsible for anything he did after," Olivia added, foreseeing what was coming next.

Amanda fell silent again as she digested Olivia's words, as the face of Reese Taymore floated to the forefront of her consciousness. If this conversation had taught her anything, it was that Olivia Benson knew her, that the woman could apparently stare right into the very core of her. It was as if Amanda were made of glass, transparent, and as was evident right now, just as easily shattered. But more than this, something else troubled Amanda from Olivia's words.

I've been doing this job a long time.

Is that what this was? Amanda wondered, and she tensed. Was she 'work', to Olivia? Another case? Amanda tried to brush off the comment. No, of course she was not. She was being sensitive. Olivia hugged survivors, she did not sit on filthy, stone floors holding them continually. She did not invite them back to her apartment to keep an eye on them because she was not comfortable leaving them alone. At worst, she was being treated as a colleague. At best, Amanda dared to hope, she might be being treated as a friend. She relaxed back against Olivia.

"It was a lie by omission," Amanda argued, but weakly, and more by instinct than with intent. She felt the rise and fall of Olivia's chest as her lieutenant breathed a deep sigh against her back.

"You're being very hard on yourself, Amanda," Olivia admonished, but gently so, "Holding it all inside…pushing it all down…never telling anyone is heart breaking to hear, but there is no deceit there on your part. And I'm so sorry you've been punishing yourself for it for so long. And I'm sorry I didn't believe you about the video. You're right, you've worked hard to build up the trust between us, and I should have considered that before I jumped to conclusions. And I'm sorry if you feel worse about yourself because of me…if I have exacerbated…this."

Amanda was quiet for a long time while she thought it all over. She did not trust easily; she had learned a long time ago that keeping her mouth shut protected her. She had watched her mother talk back to her father and witnessed the violence that ensued as a result. She had watched her mother challenge him over his drinking and gambling, and despite being the bad guy, real life was nothing like the movies, and he had always come out on top.

"The motel was the second time," Amanda said eventually, her daring to confide in Olivia a tacit acceptance of the older woman's apology.

"Ok," Olivia paused, "Do you want to talk about the first?"

Amanda gave a wobbly nod, and she inhaled deeply as she gathered the courage from the deepest parts of herself.

It was the height of summer. The air conditioning in the Atlanta precinct had been breaking down periodically, and everyone was too hot and too antsy. Most people had taken to doing their paperwork from home, but Amanda had plugged in a desk fan and carried on. She was too distracted at home. Kim had been getting into trouble and showing up often, and when it wasn't Kim, it was her mother worrying about Kim. Still, she was sweaty and uncomfortable and kept sticking to her plastic office chair. She glanced at her watch. It was after eight PM. She would give it ten more minutes, she thought, and she was out of there. She dreamed of the cool air of the (working) air conditioning at the gym, where she had taken to running on the treadmill recently. It never cooled off enough to run outside at this time of year. Plus, Kim knew her running route.

Amanda glanced at her watch again. Screw it. Her paperwork would wait for her. She hit save, and shut down her laptop. She unstuck herself from her chair, and flung her bag over her shoulder. Just as she made to leave the squad room, a voice from the office just off the side called her back.

"Hey, Amanda, where're you rushing off to?"

She froze for a second, before turning to face the source of the noise. She had not known anyone else was there.

"I thought everyone was gone already," Amanda replied.

"Me too," Deputy Chief Charles Patton gave her a droll smile from behind his desk, "But as luck would have it, you're just the person I need to see," he said, and he stood up, "Come in here a second, will you darlin'?" he gestured for Amanda to come through the door.

She was mildly annoyed. She wanted to go to the gym then get home and eat. It was late enough, and Patton had thought she had already left for the day. If it had been that important, he would have called her. Whatever it was, it had been going to wait until tomorrow anyway.

"I uh, I have plans," Amanda said, evasively, "Can it wait?"

Patton raised his eyebrows, "Well, that depends on whether your little sister can wait a night in holding," he said, and he smiled at her again.

"Kim?" Amanda questioned, though really, who else? She stepped into Patton's office. "Kim has been arrested?" Amanda's heart was pumping furiously and almost painfully in her chest. She rushed anxiously closer, "What's happened?" Amanda asked, when more accurately she meant what has she done now?

"They're serious charges, Amanda. Check fraud, wire fraud, possession."

Amanda paced back and forth before Patton's desk. She ran her hand through her hair.

"S-sir," she stammered, "I had no idea-"

"Relax, Amanda," Patton interrupted, a small laugh curling at the edges of his words. He raised his palm to halt her pacing, "I know you have nothing to do with your sister's…unfortunate situation."

Amanda exhaled a sigh of relief. At least that was something.

"You know, if you want, I could pull a few strings…I could make all of this could go away," Patton suggested.

"You…you'd do that?" Amanda was stunned.

"I would," Patton nodded, and he walked around his desk so that the barrier no longer separated them. "Obviously, you and I would have to come to some sort of…arrangement."

Amanda's previously thundering heart seized. It felt like it had come to a complete stop inside her. Despite the heavy summer temperature, a cold sweat immediately broke out across her chest and down her spine.

"Uh," Amanda gulped, nauseous, "What do you mean?"

Patton laughed softly, "Amanda, you're a smart girl. I think you know exactly what I mean," Amanda's gaze fell to her boss's hands, where they hovered at his belt buckle. "Why don't you close the door?" Patton suggested.

Amanda glanced fretfully over her shoulder to the open door behind her. She pictured herself walking out of it. Then she pictured Kim, sat in the corner of a damp, cold cell, crying, scared and alone. With trepidation, Amanda followed the instruction of her commanding officer, and she closed the office door. The lock clicked loudly, and with sense of finality as she twisted it into place.

"Oh!" she gasped with surprise when seconds later rough hands grabbed her by her shoulders, span her round and pushed her harshly to her knees. She was breathing raggedly when Patton tipped her head up by her chin. Tears brimmed in her eyes as she met his gaze. He cupped the side of her face and smiled down at her as he stroked his thumb over the apple of her cheek.

"Good girl," he murmured, "Good girl."

Amanda could not carry on past that point, but she figured Olivia got the picture. Her tears fell in silent streams now. She was aching from sitting on the firm, unforgiving floor for so long, but she could not bear the thought of any putting any physical distance between herself and Olivia at this time. She felt too safe, to comforted and cared for to risk moving and having it all melt away, to be filled once more with loneliness and pain and worthlessness. She tilted her head back to look at Olivia's face when the other woman had not spoken in a while.

"Liv?" Amanda probed, "Please say something," she searched Olivia's face for any clue of what her boss might be thinking. Her anxiety was spiking in the silence, and would peak quickly if Olivia did not respond to her soon.

"I'm sorry," Olivia said eventually, her voice trembled faintly with suppressed emotion, "I'm sorry he did that to you and I'm sorry you had no one to tell," Olivia paused, "What happened after?" she asked, but Amanda could tell it was a tentative question, as if Olivia was balanced on a beam between wanting to encourage Amanda to continue to open up, and not to push her any further than she was able to tolerate.

"Nothing much," Amanda shrugged, "He avoided me for a while. Then I think he realised I hadn't told anyone…that he'd got away with it...and it gave him the confidence to carry on. He sent me a message saying he'd had to pull more strings than he'd anticipated to get Kim off, and that what happened in his office didn't suffice. I had to meet him at the motel. And, well, you know the rest." Olivia hugged her closer, and for once Amanda no instinct to push against it. She nestled back into safe arms, and accepted with relief the security on offer to her. "But after that, I was done," Amanda continued, "I went to Sam Reynolds. I played it down, just told him that Patton had been coming on to me and I had been knocking him back, but that I wanted a transfer. I didn't care where to, I just wanted to be gone."

"How long did it take to transfer you out?" Olivia asked.

"Too long," Amanda laughed, with no sense of humour, "Especially after Patton got wind of what I'd told Sam. He started telling people I'd thrown myself at him to save my sister, and that when he'd refused, I'd gone to Captain Reynolds for a transfer because I was ashamed. And obviously I was, I mean, I am…and if I'd have told the truth about what he did at that point, it would have looked like I was lying anyway, just retaliating to what he was saying about me."

Amanda's eyes drifted closed when she felt a maternal kiss brush her temple. She could almost feel the emotion radiating from the woman behind her, as if Olivia was too overcome to form a sentence. Amanda herself was oddly calm, now. The words, now she had started to speak them, fell more easily from her lips, as if she no longer had to search hard to find them. As if tey were already there, she just never knew it.

"I thought when I got to New York that it was all behind me," Amanda gave a little ironic shrug as she spoke, "You know, if I pretended it never happened, then it never happened. But having space from Atlanta just gave me the space to fall apart. I don't know how I ended up gambling so much, I never enjoyed it, even before I was addicted because it only made me think of my dad…I was just punishing myself, I guess," she mused, "Obviously, then Patton came up for the conference and it all blew up. And Reese was…I felt so weak, compared to her," Amanda admitted softly, "Like such a coward. I saw so much of myself in her, it was like she was me, or this version of me but so much braver and stronger than I ever was-"

"Stop," Olivia interrupted, with a firmness Amanda had not anticipated considering Olivia had been so overwrought with her response to Amanda's story just moments prior. "I won't let you beat yourself up anymore, are you listening to me, Amanda? Enough, ok? You are one of the strongest, bravest people I've ever met. And Patton manipulated everyone. Like you said, even if you'd have told the truth, he made sure no one would believe you. It wasn't your fault."

Amanda shifted uncomfortably in Olivia's arms. She did not know how to react to compliments, especially ones she really did not think she warranted, or the permission to let go of the self-blame.

"I don't want you to compare yourself to Reese, or to think that you're a liar because you couldn't talk about it when it happened. I don't want you to think you're a coward, or weak, because of that," Olivia's voice dipped in volume and her tone softened as she turned her head and spoke her next words almost directly into Amanda's ear, "But mostly, I want you to not do it because you believe it yourself, not just because I want you to," Olivia's arms tightened around her as Amanda crumbled once more.

When Amanda broke down in tears this time, she turned around sideways in Olivia's lap to wrap her arms around Olivia. She cried hard against Olivia's chest for a long time, soaking in the closeness and the relief of unburdening herself of some of the secrets she had buried with shame for so long. She accepted Olivia's reassurance and was grateful, now, for being followed up here into the crib and for the other woman's usually annoying doggedness that had, in the end, only served to help her. She had no reservations about going back to Olivia's, because finally, after the longest time, Amanda could begin to forgive herself.