There's a moment where his brain shifts out of asleep, and into awake, and everything is good. He's in bed, with Rey, and it's… morning… apparently, and…
And the dream goes crashing back into his head and now he's awake and…
Kylo rolls onto his back, palm over his face, sighs loudly (mentally kicks himself in the ass for that, too, because he sees Rey twitch a bit at his dramatics), sighs quietly, and then mentally, with his walls as high as he can make them, screams, because not only does he have to deal with Rey this morning, but he's got to go to a contract signing, with Jon, and act like a functional human being instead of some sort of deranged pervert who gets off watching his wife fuck his best friend.
He hates the Kress, he hates the room of sex, he hates how his empathy let too many other damn minds into his head, he hates the fact that Rey's going to wake up and maybe last night she was too sleepy to get pissed at him, but he's sure it's going to happen soon and…
"You're spiraling," Rey's voice, and her hand on his shoulder.
He grunts a little at that.
"Stop it." She kisses his shoulder, leans up, looks at the chrono. "We've got ten minutes before we've got to get up," Rey rolls onto her side, and he knows his job is to follow her, snuggle up, and spoon in. "Resting."
He grunts at that, too, though he does snuggle up.
He can feel she's not angry with him, and that's almost worse. She should be angry with him. She should be hateful and enraged and…
"I told you to stop spiraling. You didn't do anything wrong, you're not in trouble, and I refuse to be angry with you because you want to beat yourself up." She puts some Force command into her voice, and he doesn't fight it. He lets her voice soothe him.
His face is pressed to the back of her neck. I'm sorry.
He can feel the eyeroll. You're allowed your fantasies, Kylo.
Okay, you can do this. He's saying that to himself as he brushes his hair. Breakfast. You know how to do breakfast. Show up, sit down, eat, smile and nod, and don't stare at Jon like you got off to him fucking your wife last night.
He puts the brush down.
I can't do this.
Rey's hand on his shoulder, her fingers twined with his. Yes, you can.
How can you possibly be this calm? He thinks to her as she takes the brush and begins to run it through her hair.
Rey shrugs. Then she turns him to face her. No one spent decades telling me that sex was bad or wrong, or that anything or one I may desire is somehow wrong.
He takes a deep breath, about to argue. He was watching her like a holo, like an object for his pleasure, like-
It's not wrong, Kylo.
And another deep breath. You don't hate me for that. I can feel it, but you sh-
Do not finish that sentence. She kisses him. Then she strokes his face. I didn't hate you when you were killing people, I'm not going to hate you for having a wank. I could have wandered into a dream of you riding him, and only thing I'd be is surprised. She cups him through his trousers. I love this. Love you. And I, and our life together, is not, in any way, threatened by your fantasies.
His Order hex isn't in place yet, so she does it up, and then pulls his Maji token out so it's visible. She kisses him again with her finger on the token.
It balances, love. None of that, set one toe out of line and everything's broken forever, you can never go back, and the rest of that bantha shit they pounded into your head.
He rests his finger on hers on the token, and his forehead against hers and takes a deep breath. I can do this.
Yes, you can. And if you need to curl up into a ball of panic as soon as you're in the Silencer, that's just fine. But keep it together for breakfast.
He takes a deep breath. Just get through breakfast.
Just get through breakfast.
He doesn't break into a cold sweat when he sees Jon. He's stiff as a board, jonesing for his mask in a way he hasn't in… years probably, and is doing the trick he used to with Snoke where he'd look just between his eyes so it looked like eye contact but wasn't, but…
Are you okay? Jon thinks into his head.
But he's fooling absolutely no one. Great.
Apparently, Jon doesn't have the mental control to just think to the one of them, at least when they're standing right next to each other, because Rey thinks back to Jon, Unsettling dreams. He'll be okay.
Jon offers him a kind smile, and squeezes his hand. "Yeah, I know all about that. Give it a day, and it'll fade. Okay, kids, slap those happy smiles on your face, it's show time." He shoulders his rifle, and off they go for breakfast and the signing.
Breakfast is business.
That's settling.
If breakfast were pleasure, especially now that he's got an idea of how pleasure on this planet is supposed to work… Kylo makes himself not think about that, because he really does not need the combination of mortified embarrassment and an erection to go with trying to sign this bloody thing.
There's one long table with traditional chairs, and beyond feeling a little small for them, that goes well. The Primo looks a little nervous, but he decides to talk directly to Rey, on a topic Kylo didn't start, and when no one smacks him, he smiles widely, and the two of them get talking about her saber staff.
The Kress don't do much with blunt weapons, but hers isn't precisely a blunt weapon, though it can be used that way, and he's intrigued by that. The idea of a weapon that's lethal on one side but not on the other has advantages he can imagine.
As they finish eating, the Prince goes over the main tenants of the treaty.
That's an hour of things that Threepio agreed to, most of which he's at least aware of. It all sounds right, and as the Prince reads, he and the Primo both nod and at the end of each main point, they sign the treaty. He's pleased, and a bit surprised to see that the Primo also signs the treaty.
Rey and Jon, as witnesses, use the keyboard to type their names, and so does the Prince and Sub Prince. Rey doesn't write because she's still learning, and doesn't like anyone, beside him (including him, really), to see her shaky loops. Jon… he just assumed because Jon can draw that he can write, but… apparently, not. Like Rey, though for completely different reasons, he likely just never learned how to do it.
As they're going through it, the Primo smirks a little, handing Kylo the pen, and says quietly, "My children tell me I'm a relic because I can still write. It's nice to see I'm not the only one."
Kylo, voice low, adds, "The only reason I can write is because I was schooled by people who thought it was valuable to learn the old disciplines. A way for a young man to calm his mind and learn to control his body."
The Primo smiles a that. "I'll have to try that the next time I attempt to make the argument that the children need to learn how to do this."
He wonders idly as the Prince gets reading the next bit that if he asked C8 there would be some paper waiting in his office when he got there. Getting to work on his calligraphy might be a good way for a somewhat older man to slip back into his old discipline of calming his mind and body.
If he can't find it, you can use mine.
Rey… That's your paper. He did get some for her to practice her letters on.
No. It's ours. And if you need it, you can use it. He squeezes her hand, and they move onto the next bit of the contract.
Getting the contract signed feels good. The fact that basically everyone around him is genuinely pleased just because he exists, and by being himself he's… somehow managed to seal the deal is good, and… He can go entire minutes at a time without thinking about the dream.
Apparently, it's clear enough that he's off that at one point, as they are heading toward his ship, and Rey and Jon's transport, the Primo walks slower and slower, allowing the two of them to fall behind the rest of the group.
Kylo can feel the older man wants to talk, so he slows, too.
Unfortunately, he can also feel what he wants to talk about, but he's got to wait for the Primo to bring it up.
He does, sounding a little tentative. "I didn't… insult you, this morning, when I spoke to your wife."
"Not at all," and he truly means that, so that makes the Primo relax.
"Good, good. I was fairly sure that was allowable, but… You seem… uncomfortable in your skin."
"Unsettled sleep."
"Oh…" The Primo was expecting that he'd had a good night. Kylo gets an extremely vivid mental flash of the report that the Primo got on what he and Rey were up to last night. Someone is always watching. Fuck. He knew that. He just… didn't. He blushes from his collar bone to his hairline.
"Are you…" The Primo looks very alarmed at his guest suddenly turning pink, and is on the border of calling for medical help.
Kylo waves that away. "It's…" Shit. The Primo just thought about it. He didn't say anything. "human. Just… Everything is fine. Not… Fuck. Uh… I'm blushing. Humans do that sometimes when we're embarrassed." Kylo can feel the Primo's panic start to fade. He was terrified that someone might claim they tried to poison Ren or something like that.
"It looks like more than your sleep was unsettled."
Kylo rolls his eyes. He glances around, notices that no one is watching them too closely. He subtly waves his hand as if gesturing to the ships, while looking the Primo in the eyes and saying, "Everything is fine. I had a lovely time at your home, enjoyed your hospitality immensely, and am deeply pleased with the results of our negotiations."
The Primo smirks at him. "I'm glad to hear that, Master Ren who claims not to be a Jedi, but that trick's not going to work on me."
"Fuck."
"Seriously, are you okay? Your lady and concubine…"
Kylo glares at him.
"And I'll just stop talking and be pleased that we've got a signed contract?"
"I'd appreciate that."
The Primo stares at him, and then nods slowly. Kylo's got the sense that the Primo's thinking of him as one of his grandsons. "You look like you want to talk to someone, maybe not me, but if you ever want to sit down to a drink and a chat, I'm sure it can be arranged."
Kylo manages a half smile. "You've been kind, and I appreciate it. And I did genuinely enjoy your hospitality, and am very glad with the results of our negotiations. Absolutely nothing going on with me right now, is any reflection on this." Beyond the fact that I don't know how much of what's in my head is me anymore.
"Good." The Primo claps a hand on Kylo's shoulder. "It's good to have friends my lad, and right now, you look lonely. And not how I meant it last night."
"I have friends…" And it's something of a shock, but he realizes he does have friends, and for that matter, there is someone he could talk to… Someone he actually… wants… to talk to.
If he can make himself form the words.
On the shuttle, back toward the Supremacy Jon glances around at the stormtroopers, who are, supposedly, not paying much attention to them. He decides that he'd like it to stay that way, so this conversation doesn't need a voice.
He gently kicks Rey's foot, and then thinks to her: He's a shit liar. What's going on?
She rolls her eyes a little and shakes her head. He's just a little embarrassed about something. It'll pass.
Anything I can help with?
Not sure. She tries to think through that. Uh… Something that seemed sexy at the time, then wasn't after.
Jon smirks a bit. Happens to everyone, usually a lot. Most of us manage to work it out by the time were through our mid-twenties, but… Yeah… Okay.
She raises a brow at him, clearly wondering about what might have bit him.
Jon's turn to roll his eyes a little. Okay. So… you know what nipple clamps are?
Rey just stares at him in horror.
I'll take that as a yes, but you're wrong because they're not that far out. He tries picturing the image of them clearly, and Rey nods at him. He's right, they're not what she was thinking of. She pulls the image of the clamps they use to control the flow of liquids through hydraulic lines that need repair, and Jon winces. Yeah, really not what I'm thinking of.
She nods back. Great. So…
Anyway, like every other human, I've got nipples, but mine are mostly just decorative.
Rey thinks that's a funny way to put it and snerks a quick laugh.
Jon chuckles a bit, too. Yeah. Okay, decorative like eyebrows, you know? It's not like anyone's gazing at my chest thinking, 'Wow! Those are amazing nipples!' Let alone thinking, 'You know what would brighten up this place, some pictures of Jon's nipples!' If there weren't a lot of other people on this ship, Rey would be absolutely howling with laughter at that. As it is, she's sniggering and vibrating quietly. Jon waits for her to stop before adding, But if they're not there, it looks really wrong!
Rey's face is very expressive as she nods at him. Holy Force! Okay, none of the Kress had shirts on, and it was just…
Jon's nodding, too. Exactly. I know they're reptoids, and I know they don't nurse babies, so no need for them, but… That was just WEIRD!
Rey's grinning at that, and at Jon, So, nipple clamps?
Like I was saying… thinking… this part is weird, too.
Rey nods again.
Anyway. Mine are mostly just decorative. They're not particularly sensitive. Obviously, I'm not feeding kids with them. So, they're just there.
And the clamps… make them look prettier?
Jon snerks at that. Uh… Maybe from some people's perspectives. If I was trying to make them look prettier, I'd go for rouge. Maybe a beaded clip. Some people pierce them, but these days I'm under the impression that I came with all the holes my body needed, so I'm not adding any more.
Rey contemplates that for a moment. Do… people do that? Rouge… clips… I mean.
At some parties. Jon thinks with a smile. But the idea is, if they're not really sensitive, you can put the clamps on, and sort of tug them or play with them, and the pressure adds to the experience.
Oh! Like a cockstrap.
That makes Jon blink. That's not anything he'd think Rey would know. Actually, uh… Sort of, yeah. It's not quite the same thing, but… He nods along.
But it didn't work that way? Rey thinks.
Yeah. I mean, I was game to try. The idea seemed sexy. It actually did look nice, but… Instead of warm-tinglies and orgasms, I ended up with two nasty bruises, and having to figure out how to protect my tits from clothing for a week because the clamps certainly took care of the not sensitive issue, but not, on any level, in a good way.
Rey winces.
Jon squeezes her hand. Anyway, just about everyone's got a story like that. So… wouldn't be the first time someone tried something and ended up blushing about it after and putting it on the 'nope, not again' list. That's how you learn if you like things or not.
Rey thinks about that for a bit. What if you liked it, but you feel off about liking it?
Jon puts an arm around her and gives her a little squeeze. That's the first few years after I figured out I liked boys in a way that most everyone else around me didn't. He realizes that's wrong. Or, well, since they were mostly women, did, but I wasn't, at least according to my Mum and most of my family, supposed to.
What'd you do about it? Rey thinks.
I was still too young to be playing with real people at that point, so… Had some drives on my datapad that weren't supposed to be there. Wanked a lot and felt guilty about it after. Tried to focus on girls, which… I mean, I like girls, too, so that worked some. Pretty, young brides kept walking into our shop all the time, so it's not like there weren't a lot of them all around me. And it's not like it's hard to find pictures of naked girls on the holonets.
Rey squeezes Jon's hand.
I was fourteen. One of those pretty, young girls had a younger brother, and he was tagging along. Bored. Probably fifteen or so. He showed up with her for several fittings, so it's not like we only saw each other once. Mum found us snogging behind the shop. Got yelled at, a lot, for that. Then she started sending me to weddings, hoping to dangle me in front of the right girl.
And you dangled yourself in front of a lot of boys, too? Rey thinks.
Yeah. I got over feeling bad about it by the third or fourth of the weddings. The wider world showed me that Mum may be an Imperial relic, but outside of her circles, most people weren't.
Didn't hurt that you were in the teenage rebellion phase, either?
Jon shakes his head. Not at all. He thinks about it a bit, and it's clear that he decides not to ask specifically what's got Kylo's head in a twist. The man won't look him in the eye, so he's got a fairly good idea. If Kylo wants to talk about it, he will. Basically, eventually, you'll sit your arse down, figure out why it feels bad, and if it feels bad because it's a genuine problem. You're actually doing something wrong. Either wrong for you or wrong for the situation. Or if it feels bad because the people around you have expectations for you, and you're violating those expectations.
Thank you. Rey thinks.
Jon nods at her. He's still fighting with the expectations of the ghosts in his head, isn't he?
Rey sighs at that and give Jon a look that he has no problem understanding.
Another quiet moment.
Thanks for not asking exactly what it was, Rey thinks.
For a second, Jon's tempted to leave it there, but… She'll know. Maybe she doesn't now, but she will. Oh, honey. He won't look me in the eye. My answer to two plus two may not be four in this case, but I'm somewhere between 3.9 and 4.1.
Oh.
Whatever variation of me and sex went dancing through his mind and maybe yours… He shrugs. It's okay. Not like he hasn't been in my wank bank a few times, too. It's… completely normal to be attracted to pretty people you genuinely enjoy being around. I mean… that's how it's supposed to work, you know?
Rey wonders if she should be shocked by that, but… She's not. Maybe not today. But at some point, mentioning that might be a good thing.
Jon's turn to look a bit surprised. I'd assumed he already knew that, but… Yeah, if you think it'll help. Otherwise, just let it sit for a few days, and it'll blow over. Again, speaking of things that happen to just about everyone…
Rey nods at him, and squeezes his hand. You're a good friend.
Well, I'm trying.
"Ah, good, you're back," Threepio says a moment after Kylo's out of his ship. He sees Rey waiting for him, but doesn't see Jon. He's not sure if he's relieved or not by that.
He had a billion meetings and figured you could handle debriefing Threepio, Rey thinks to him.
I can do that. "Yes, obviously," he says to Threepio as he take Rey's hand.
Threepio tilts his head a bit, indicating that he sort of expected a response like that. "Good news, sir. While you were in transit, we received both the copy of the treaty, and the Primo was so impressed with you he sent both a gift and an invitation."
Rey looks pleased, and Kylo's so surprised it's visible on his face.
"Did you not think the meeting went well?" Threepio asks.
Kylo shakes his head a bit. "Actually, no. As best I could tell, it went fine. The Kress seemed to like what they found when they 'got to know me.'"
"Wonderful." And, for once Kylo doesn't get any sense of sarcasm off of Threepio. Maybe… fuck, he got sent off to do a job, he did it, he didn't screw it up, and the droid is now pleased with him. It can't really be that bloody easy, can it?
"What's the invitation?" Rey asks.
"Apparently, Master Ren got into a conversation about wedding traditions. He's been invited to join in the bridal raid for two of the Primo's grandsons, and our contingent has been invited to the weddings to follow."
Kylo blinks a bit, and rubs his lips together, and then nods. "That will be… interesting." Part of him is really looking forward to it. Run around and smack the shit out of people for a night might be a really good time. Part of him is worried about spending more time steeped in Kress culture and picking up the local mores.
Rey squeezes his hand. "What was the gift?"
"It appears to be a piece of furniture. Some sort of sofa. We took it to be scanned, make sure there's no bugs on it, and then it'll be transferred to your rooms, or perhaps to the courtyard. I wouldn't know personally, but I have the sense that it'd be rather comfortable, and possibly good for the seating area near the reflecting pools."
Rey closes her eyes slowly, and Kylo bites his lip, hard. "I… think that sofa will come home with us," he says.
What, you don't want everyone in our courtyard to enjoy the sex sofa? Rey teases.
Kylo bites his lip again. Then he makes himself stop. "Threepio, I'd like it if we'd offer an invitation to the Sub Prince and whichever of his friends he'd like to bring, to come here and join me for a training meelee. We'll… show them a good time, Order style."
Threepio nods at that. "Excellent. I think warm relations with our nearest neighbors is a good plan. It will certainly make for more ease along our borders."
"Yes," Rey replies. Though she's looking at Kylo a little curiously. You really want to do that?
He doesn't shrug, though she can sense he's feeling shruggish. What he does think is The part of me that understands this politics thing is under the impression it's a wise move.
She smiles at that.
The rest of the day is long. Get home, get changed, get more reports read, talk to more people, go to meetings, it's just… a day. And, for… oh, entire quarters of an hour at a go, he manages to not think about the dream, or about Rey, or Jon, or… Rey and Jon, and… shit… Rey and Jon… and… And then a few of the maintenance guys wheeled the sex sofa into his rooms and… Well, that completely blew his focus for a good ten minutes, and…
Sigh.
Toward the end of it, he's ready to go home, and then remembers that Rey's got supper duty with the kids, because Rose was, on her own, riding herd on them yesterday, so… Right. They need more adults. Or more droids. Or a place where the kids won't freeze if they go outside.
Moving… that's on the list, too.
The never-ending list. Are you eating with the kids, or should I just bring home supper late?
There's a few moments where he can sense Rey's focus is elsewhere, and then… I'll probably eat with them. If you don't mind. Maybe you might catch a meal with Jon?
I don't… Uh… mind. I don't mind. And he doesn't. Because… Okay, well, he's not about to have a meal with Jon. Not now. Tomorrow, or the next day, or when he can look the man in the face and not blush. But… Maybe I'll catch up with Poe.
He feels a wave of relief from Rey. That sounds like a good plan.
Lucky for Kylo, Poe's not only got free time, but he's also in his flat on the Supremacy.
Kylo finds his way there, and Poe's taking advantage of the free space that most people would have furniture in by filling it with what appears to be a scale model of some sort of farming complex.
Kylo walks around it, and says… "Uh…"
"Don't ask. It's called plausible deniability. If we somehow get caught and Jacen can't talk us out, you don't know what we were doing."
"If you get caught… You don't think I'd just leave you, right?"
"Of course not. You'll port our sorry asses out of there when you get a chance. But, if it ever gets traced back, you'll be able to honestly say you've got no idea what shit we were pulling. We'll be your wayward friends and not part of your plan for galactic domination."
Kylo keeps eyeing the model. "Okay." He looks around the rest of the apartment. "You're decorating."
Poe shrugs a bit. "I may be a man of simple tastes, but even I want a bit more than one table with two chairs and a charging port for BB." There is the table with the two chairs, and two more chairs. And there's a bar. And, though they're pushed against the far wall to make more space for the model, there's a sofa and… two… square somewhat sofa-like things that Kylo doesn't know the name of, and a stand with what Kylo thinks is a full-sized entertainment pad on it.
Kylo looks around and doesn't see the droid. "Where is BB?"
"Should be with Micha right now. Sometimes he wanders about and hangs out with R2."
Kylo puts the dinner he brought with him on the table, and begins opening it up.
"Are you just being… social?" Poe asks.
"If I am?"
"I'd be surprised. I've probably been spending too much time with you little Force sensitive boogers because I can feel... Or, wait, you're just projecting all over the place, aren't you?" Kylo shrugs at that. "You don't feel… social. And you don't feel like you want something. You feel… confused? Upset? Upset because you're confused?"
Kylo rolls his eyes, suddenly feeling a lot of sympathy for Jon's comment about how sorting through the feelings works better when you're doing it yourself, not having someone else barging around in your head. "Yeah. All of the above. Just…"
Poe sits on the sofa, grins up at him, and pats his lap. "Dinner'll hold. Come on, tell big brother all about it."
Kylo rolls his eyes and growls softly. He does sit next to Poe. "You're not my big brother."
"And yet I am. You need one, you're here, get talking."
Kylo sighs, opens his mouth, blushes, and closes it. "What do you have to drink?"
That gets Poe's attention. Last he heard was from Jon last night, and it sounded like everything was just fine. Then he remembers the last thing he and Jon were talking about. What the fuck did those two get caught doing last night? "Holy hell, this one's a doozy, isn't it?"
Kylo nod.
A moment later, Poe's at his bar, with a big glass, and is pouring a lot of things into it. A moment after that, he's added another glass to the top of the first one and is sloshing it around, before pouring it into yet another glass over ice, and handing it to Kylo before dragging the table over to the sofa. "Take it slow. This tastes like nothing, but there's more than enough vodka in there to lube your brain into next week."
"Good!" Kylo says and gulps down the top quarter of it, while Poe stares at him in a mixture of curiosity and fear. He takes the glass away from Kylo because slow is not how Kylo's drinking it.
Kylo waits a few moments, willing the alcohol to, as Poe put is, lube his brain into next week. He feels the hit all at once, knees and elbows going soft and loose.
Poe's staring at him, really looking, and then says, "All right, your eyes aren't focusing anymore. Let's try again, what's up?"
Kylo closes his eyes and gives the alcohol another moment. "I had a dream."
Poe's up and on that, because it's not, at all what he was expecting. "What sort of dream? Future stuff? Bad stuff? Taking care of you stuff?"
Kylo blinks. "Oh. No. Nothing like that. I don't think." He's got to think now. He's had dreams of the future, visions, but… "No. Just a dream."
Poe nods, and then takes a drink, and cracks a grin. "Okay, you didn't call it a nightmare, but you still want to be halfway to unconscious before talking about it, so I'm guessing it was a sex dream."
Kylo feels himself relax, judging by what he can feel off of Poe, this is really common. "Uh, yeah."
"Other than, once again, wanting to slap Luke Skywalker up the back of the head, this is just… Completely normal. Everyone has them." He's just looking at Kylo. "Wait… Wake up sticky. You mentioned that to us when we were talking with the kids. You've had sex dreams before. What's going on with this?"
Kylo blushes, pulls the glass to him with his Force, doesn't slosh the liquid out of it when it meets his palm, and is pleased to see he can still do that. He drinks a bit more, but his mouth does not appear to be adding any details to the situation.
Poe gently prods, because it's clear Kylo wants to talk about this, but just, for the moment, can't. "Dreaming about someone who isn't Rey?"
Kylo nods, just a tiny bit.
"Also, completely normal." Poe grins at him. "Who was it? Do I know her? Rose? Wait, don't answer that, if I know I might let it slip, and Finn'll kill you."
That gets a massive eyeroll, a very rude gesture that Poe didn't know Kylo knew, and then Poe elbows him while grinning.
"Seriously, totally normal. If that's the first time that's happened since you and Rey have been together, that's…" He shrugs. "Okay, you're you and Rey, so… Wait… Does she know?"
Another tiny nod and bigger sip of drink.
Poe looks worried again. "Is she pissed? Is that why you're here?"
Kylo sighs. "Might be easier if she were. She enjoyed it, too."
Poe thinks about that. "Too?"
A tiny quirk of a lip indicates that at least some part of Kylo isn't totally mortified by this. "Well, it was good while it was happening."
"And… Rey… got to ride along?"
"Yeah." One more sip. "And… uh… actively participate."
Poe swallows and then nods, and then says, "So… I'm… not immediately seeing why you're so… this. You had fun. She had fun. The third person was imaginary. But, even if they weren't, assuming all three of you had a good time, and everyone's happy with each other, after… No harm, no foul."
Kylo takes another gulp. "In the dream… It… didn't happen to me."
Poe blinks. "Uh?"
"I was watching. Her… and…" he mumbles the rest so quietly he might have just as well not said it.
Poe leans in closer. "I know you said something after 'and,' but damned if I could hear it."
"…"
"You can't just think the words to me." Poe stops. "Well, you can, but you didn't. You've got to communicate a name to me, or don't, but…"
"Jon."
Poe stops to think about that for a moment, and then nods. "I can see why she liked that."
Kylo looks like the seat he's on just got yanked out from under him. "Shouldn't you be… Something other than that?"
Poe shrugs. "Don't see why I should. I mean, it's Jon. The man's sex on legs. Dreaming about him just means you've got a pulse. Anyone even vaguely interested in m—" Poe brain catches up to his mouth, and his eyes go wide, and his jaw drops, and then he says, "OH!"
Kylo takes another gulp, draining the cup to slightly past half, and Poe pulls it away.
"Slow down. In five minutes, you're going to be on the floor at the rate you're going. And I don't want to try and pick you up. So, you were dreaming about Jon and Rey and… too… she liked it, too. Oh my! Are we indeed in for a late in life surprise?"
Kylo glares a little bit, but mostly just looks confused. "I…Don't know. I mean… How did you know you liked boys?"
"Probably the same way you knew you liked girls. Got crushes on them when you were young. Dreamed about marrying one. Puberty hit and even hearing the name of the one you liked got you hard."
"Find yourself lingering in places, hoping to catch a glimpse-"
"What the hell were you getting glimpses of at Jedi school?"
"We had a swimming hole." And, sometimes, if the light was right, and she didn't dry off well enough after, M'Gll's tunic would cling just a bit more than it normally did, and… She'd catch him and glare daggers at him.
Poe grins. "Yeah. So that's how I knew I liked boys. I never didn't like boys. I was five and told my parents I was going to marry Luke Corgan." Poe sips his drink. "Just for the record, I don't think you like boys."
"I don't think I do, either, but…" He rolls his eyes again. "I woke up in a wet spot, and that was after Rey and I had sex that night. Like… amazing, epic sex. The kind of sex where you're fairly sure your shaft is just… done… after. All fucked out for the foreseeable future."
Poe looks impressed by that. He knows that kind of sex. "That's a hell of a dream, then."
"Yeah. And… I mean. Jon. Who, I work with. Who, I genuinely love, but previous to two nights ago had never, on any level, contemplated in that direction. Who, I'm trying very hard to not be weird about."
"Well, that's the important part. Don't be a shaft to him. So, you had a dream. Not like anything changed. Your brain decided to take him out for a test fly or something, had a good time, and that was that. I mean, other than you appear to be a bit on the kinky side, it's still really normal to have sex dreams about people you know. Even ones who aren't part of your normal narrow."
"Kinky?"
"You like adventurous sex. Like… watching. Or more than one person. Or… well, Rey using her fingers on you. That's… uh… Stuff a lot of narrow guys who like women never wander into."
"Oh." He thinks about that. "Really?"
"Yeah."
"Why? I mean… it feels good…"
Poe's gesture eloquently sums up the idea of no clue. "I think it's part of drinking paint thinner. Some guys get really weird about being 'men.'"
"And men don't do certain things?"
"I think. I mean, you and I got the advantage of not being raised to be good Imperials, so..."
"Oh, right. Yeah. Jon talks about that some."
"Right. Apparently, way back in the day…" Poe smirks a bit, "at least according to Dad, part of why you'd try to date rebel girls is because they didn't demand a wedding date to get them into bed."
Kylo half-sniggers at that, and then says, "Wait… My mom…"
Poe looks a little uncomfortable. "Yeah, and mine, too. Let's just abandon that line of thought, okay?"
Kylo nods loose and sloppy, very much agreeing. "Good plan. Mine weren't married though. Dad told me that. Celebrating the battle of Endor, and then I was along for the ride."
Poe laughs at that. "Fuck. You're the end of the war. I'm battle of Yavin IV. She survived the fight against the first Death Star, and…"
"Your dad had a good night."
"I like to think they both did. After all, they got me out of it." Huge, cocky smile.
Kylo laughs at that. "They love each other?"
"Yeah," Poe says, voice soft. "That's uh… Micha. I've told you about him, right?"
"Not so much. Your first man?"
"Right. Uh…" He shows the ring on the chain next to his Maji pendent. "I was raring to get married. And Dad said to me, 'Look, if it's real, he's not going anywhere. And if it's not… What your Mom and I had was the most precious thing in the world to me, except for you, and… I want you to have that. I want you to adore your husband. So, take your time. Make sure you two really know each other, and… You're really young, so give it time."
"And then time ran out."
"And then time ran out. He… told me he was sorry, later. He didn't want me to get hurt, and…"
"And you got hurt."
"Yeah, but I'd have been just as hurt if we'd been married. Nothing would have changed about it, the… relationship is real, it's either a marriage or it's not. That's what we tell the kids, right?" He smiles again, though this one isn't as bright. "Like you and Rey. We hadn't gotten around to having a wedding, but that was it."
Kylo pulls his drink back to him, but just to fiddle with the glass. His knees are feeling too loose to make pacing a good idea, and he wants to fidgit some. "Did you and Micah… How did you… Shit. It was Jon and Rey in the dream, and… It looked fucking good, you know? I liked it. And… how the hell do I deal with that? I mean… I know… sometimes the shaft wants what it wants, and you go and flick it upside the head, and that's it, but… She liked it, too, and… Fuck. I don't…"
Poe smiles a little a him, half proud, and a bit sheepish because he knows he's going to blow Kylo's brain with this. "Uh… Micah and I, we'd just sleep with other people. Well, not sleep, not too much."
Kylo's eyes are about to fall out of his head.
"You just told me you liked the idea of it."
"Yeah, but… Really?"
"Yeah. We both liked sex. We liked it with each other, and sometimes we liked it with other people, and… If you're wired anything like how I am, watching your mate get off is hot." Kylo nods. That's a lot of what he liked about the dream, Rey and Jon were both having a really excellent time, and as an empath that was amazing for him. "Yeah, well, it's still hot even if you aren't the one doing it. Live action porn with your absolute favorite person, or I guess in your dream, people, and they're genuinely having a good time. That's excellent wank fodder."
That's a lot of information for Kylo to digest. And, unfortunately, the alcohol which did lube his brain enough to get him talking isn't exactly speeding up his mental processing right now. Finally, he blinks a few times and says, "Did you just watch?"
"Sometimes. Played along most of the times. I'm not saying it was something we did a lot, but… Ten times? Twelve? It had to be a guy we both liked, and one who was safe."
"What's safe mean?"
"Someone we both liked, were both attracted to, but wasn't going to try to get in between us or our relationship. Friendly, but stationed on the other side of the galaxy mostly. Guys like that. Good for a few one offs, maybe a fun long weekend, a decent conversation, and good dinner, but they wouldn't try to move in with us later."
"Oh. Jon's not safe."
"Drunk you seems to be thinking about this somewhat seriously."
"Drunk me is eighty percent shaft. And it had a good time."
Poe sniggers at that. "Yeah, well, if sober you is still interested… I mean, look, nothing's going to fuck up you and Rey. You're way too… attached… for that. You'd cut your stones off rather than hurt her, and vice versa, and on top of that, you know well enough, ahead of time, what'd hurt, so you won't fall into that trap." Poe takes a long sip of his own. His voice is mild, but his eyes aren't as he says, "But sober you might fuck up Jon, or my chances with him, if you move on that."
"I'm not… not really… I…"
"Got your panties wet and don't quiet know what to do with yourself. Yeah, that's coming through loud and clear."
"Can't help projecting right now."
"Drinks with the mindreader, yeah." Poe shakes his head a bit. "He'd probably take you up on it."
Kylo doesn't know what to do with that, either. "He… he said he misses his own love, and… Being near us would probably be fun while it happened, but wouldn't be what he's looking for."
Poe blinks at that, and then nods, and says, "See, that's the kind of conversation that makes me think this is more than just out of the blue."
Kylo shrugs. "Maybe it's not. I… Want to help him. He's… sad. And I don't want him to be sad. He's… deep and lovely, and should be happy, you know? Of course, you know. You're just about killing yourself trying to get to the point where he and you can be happy together." Poe raises a brow, thinking about how soft Kylo is under all of that black, but Kylo keeps barreling on, more visibly drunk by the word. "I don't want to fuck him, though. Probably. Even in the dream I wasn't fucking him. He kissed my cheek. But that was it. But I really liked watching him and Rey. I liked the sex, and I liked them being happy together, and I liked… shit… I liked showing her off and sharing her with him. I liked… him getting to taste my happy, and… It's confusing."
Poe thinks about it. He rubs his forehead. "In your wildest, dirtiest, most uncensored fantasy, he kisses your cheek, and then fools around with Rey. Congrats, you really don't want to fuck the guy.
"Onto real life, and real Jon. He'll fuck anything that looks interesting, which you and Rey are, because that's a way to not be lonely for a little while. Sounds like he knows that. On the other hand, you and Rey are safe for him. You'll treat him right, make him happy, give him a good set of shoulders to cry on, and… I don't know, could be good. Or it could be just another way he avoids doing what he needs to do to not be lonely long term, because that means changing, and he's not there, yet. Granted, lonely'll crush a person, so maybe a few hours of not lonely with someone who does love him is what he needs."
Kylo blinks at that, too. "I have a feeling sober me'd be impressed by that."
"Yeah, well, I'm not a mind reader, but I am paying attention to him, and I kind of know the terrain he's moving through right now. It's not a fun ride, and sometimes you'll hop on anything that eases the pain for a little while."
"Oh." A wash of shame hits Kylo. "Shit. I…"
"Oh, holy Force, don't get mopey over that! You're allowed to have fantasies. Everyone wants their wants, that's just normal."
Kylo rolls his eyes. "Fine. It'd be easier to just… want Rey."
Poe chuckles at that. "I'm sorry. I know you skip Maji lessons, but I assumed they were like, ingrained or something for you. I didn't think you actually needed to attend. Light side, even, steady, likes the same thing over and over. Sets a course and stays on it. Darklings," he gestures to the two of them, "passionate and likes variety. We're hardwired for lots of wanting. Just got to do a good job of managing it."
"That's the truth."
Kylo's still looking mopey. And after a minute Poe figures it out.
"I really do think our wants are hardwired. That was Jedi training for you, right? Give up your wants? Be passionless?"
"Yeah."
Poe shakes his head. "I'm almost certain it doesn't work that way. You want what you want and that's just that. What you do about it is under your control, but you can't make yourself not want."
Kylo snorts at that. "Yeah, try telling that to my family."
"Oh, please. I didn't know Luke or your Dad well, but if your mom ever gave up a want in her life, I never saw her do it. I feel like Chewie and I get on pretty well now, and speaking of not giving up wants… I mean, okay, there are things you want you just can't have, and in those cases it's probably better to figure out how to give up on them, but… From everything I can see, you do not come from a long line of ascetics who dwelled in comfort with nothing."
"Thanks." He reaches for his cup to fiddle with it and misses the first time. "What was in that?"
"A lot of vodka, some rum, a bit of gin, flavored vodka, some sweet fizz, and some juice."
Kylo blinks slowly. "That's what Jon meant by it doesn't taste like anything."
"Yeah, mix it into something with some real flavor, and it'll blend pretty well. Also, you looked like you wanted a pretty hard hit, so that'll numb the taste buds some."
He nods, but it's sloppy. "Jon says wanting a lot of people is normal, too."
"From everything I can tell, yes."
"Rey doesn't. She says she has, but I've never felt it."
Poe sighs. "Kylo." He rubs his hand over his face, not sure how Kylo got this old without having noticed this, but… Jedi education. Poe realizes he's got no idea if Kylo ever got a basic biology class. "Two things are in play here. First of all, Rey is light. We know this about her. She gets on one thing and tends to stick there. Lucky for you, you're one of her one things. Second of all, she's a woman. And, again, speaking of things we're hardwired for… This is basic biology… For us, lots of partners means lots of babies. That's… you know… why we've got stones. For them, finding one good partner means babies have a better chance of growing up fat and happy, and they have a better chance of surviving cooking them. We're quantity, they're quality."
Kylo thinks about that for a moment, too. He can feel his brain turning that over and over, slowly dissecting it. "It's funny. I can actually feel my brain slow down."
"Welcome to being drunk. A lot of us do that on purpose."
He blinks again, slowly. "Yep. I can see that. This is kind of nice. I'm going to hate myself when I sober up."
"Yeah, that's the downside."
Finally, Kylo's brain lands where he was aiming it. "You and Micah… No babies at all, so… quantity?"
Poe shrugs. "Maybe just young and horny." Poe smirks. "Okay, no, with the right partner I'd be back there again. Just… sharing our favorite hobby with each other and some other people we enjoyed." Poe sighs. "I don't know. To me… this is like… a hobby, really. I love sex. I love getting sex. The whole thing… It makes me feel good, makes me happy, relaxes me, it's… good. I think most people agree with that. But… A lot of people seem to get really tetchy about doing it with a lot of people. Or, like, it's okay to do it with a lot of people if you just hop from person to person, but if you stay with one, you've got to stop with the others and… I know they feel that, but I don't."
"You and Micah didn't do it with a lot of other people, though?"
"No, part of it was we really did prefer each other. Sort of like, some nights you want to go out and have a good time, but most nights you want to go home, have a good meal, and spend some quiet time with your sweetie. And part of it was finding other guys who wanted both of us. And part of it was finding guys who weren't going to have problems that we were just a good time."
"But Jon was just with Lane. He told me that."
"That's how being married works for a lot of people. I don't know if that's biologically ingrained for humans, but a lot of them seem to prefer that plan."
"But you and Jon…"
"Are still very slowly feeling things out. Look, there are a lot of things I adore about that man, but the fact that he's still married to Lane is not helping the situation out."
Kylo blinks very slowly at that, too. Poe can literally see the moment the light turns on in his head. "You're right!"
"Of course, I'm right. Oh, and speaking of dark and light. And our pet lightlings…"
Kylo just about gives himself whiplash he nods so hard. "Jon's still on his one thing."
"Yeah, and he's working on coping with the fact that his one thing isn't there. And I can't be his next one thing until he can get off of his current one thing, so, here we are. If and when he's ready to start moving on, then I'll cross the one person for the rest of my life bridge. Given what Jon's up to these days, I'm going to guess he's game to play, and who knows, maybe one day all four of us'll have a good time together, but if he's not… Then he's not, and I can probably meet him there."
Kylo blinks at that, too. And thinks, and Poe does his best not to laugh because he can see Kylo's brain going through the permutations. Finally, "I like Rey. And Rey likes… well all of us. And Jon likes all of us. And you like Jon and I… And… what would the four of us do?"
Poe shrugs. "I don't know? Whatever you're comfortable with. Dive in, or settle back and watch and wank?"
"How would that even work for you? I mean, Jon and Rey?"
"That man is fucking sex on legs reading a report or getting a drink or… whatever. Can you imagine him actually fucking? Well, fuck, obviously, you can, and if you hadn't enjoyed it, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Shit, I'm halfway to chub just thinking about it, even if it is with a woman. And… I mean, okay, Rey does nothing for me when it comes to hot and tinglies, but I genuinely like her, so… She'd be having a really good time, and he would, too, and… Even watching, that sounds like a good time."
"Just watch?"
"Isn't that what you did in the dream?"
Kylo nods.
"And you enjoyed it?"
He nods again, head loose and wobbly. "Maybe too much."
Poe shrugs. "I'd probably want to play instead of just wank. Especially with your eyes closed, skin is skin, but… Whatever it is, Jon and Rey likely end up in the middle because they've got the most options."
Kylo nods slowly at that, too. "You really don't like women? I mean… just… nothing?"
"You really don't like men? I mean… just… nothing?"
"I thought I didn't, but… Jon with Rey is hot." Kylo's fairly sure that his shaft would twitch or something at that idea again, but it's just sleeping in his shorts right now. "Alcohol puts your shaft to sleep, doesn't it?"
Poe snorts a quick laugh. "Yeah, it does. And yes, Jon with Rey is hot, but that's because you like sex and Rey. Hell, I think Jon and Rey is hot, too. Doesn't mean I'm into women all of a sudden. Just means I like sex and Jon. Jon on his own does nothing for you, right?"
Kylo thinks about that. Tries to imagine it. Has a hard time imagining it, and doesn't feel much of anything when he does. "Yeah."
"And that's the point. If Jon on his own does nothing for you, you don't like men. Anything even vaguely into men likes Jon. He's fucking canashish for people who like men."
"I don't know what that is."
"It's a drug that makes you feel really good, and most people who try it once want to do it again, a lot."
"Oh. Would I like it?"
"Probably. I don't know if you've got the temperament to stop taking it if you tried it, though."
"Why would you want to stop?"
"What's seven times eleven minus six?"
Kylo blinks, slowly. He can't even begin to make his brain shift gears to get into the mode where he could begin to try to answer that.
"Exactly. You feel good, but the parts of the brain that can really think shut down, and most people need those parts in day to day life."
"Oh."
"And sometimes the parts of the brain that keep your heart beating and your lungs inhaling and exhaling shut down, too, and everyone needs them."
"Ah." Another quiet beat. "Thirty-five."
Poe raises a brow at him. "Seventy-one." He feels Kylo starting to focus on that. "We're not going to argue math, especially right now. When you're sober, if you remember that, we can talk about it, but not now."
"I hate math."
"Yeah, that's why you're not a pilot."
"I'm a great pilot."
"Yeah, right. When was the last time you flew?"
"Uh…" He blinks. It wasn't that long ago. Really wasn't that long. And he really feels like he should know this, but…
"Exactly. I'm a pilot. You're someone who can fly a ship. Hell, you're probably good at it, too, but that's not being a pilot."
"I like flying."
"I know. I love flying. I go too long without flying, my head starts to get tangled. You go too long without fighting your head gets tangled. I'm a pilot. You're a fighter. Good?"
"Right." Kylo blinks at his half-drunk glass, almost reaches for it, and decides that his brain is already so well lubed it's in danger of slipping out of his head. He puts his hand down.
"Good decision." Poe picks up the glass, takes a sip, and then crosses to his sink and pours the rest out.
"Yeah…" He blinks again. Why was he here? Jon… Right. "How do I not be weird about it?"
"Well, when you're with Jon next, you've got two options." Poe sits back down. "You can just act like you always do, and not overthink it. Or you can just flat out tell him what happened, and that if you're off for a few days it's not his fault. I'd recommend just being your normal, hanging-out-with-Jon self, and not overthinking it, but if you can't, then tell him what happened. I'm sure he's got half a dozen similar stories just like that, and'll have a laugh with you about them. That is one man who does not take poorly to being desired."
Kylo nods at that. "He really likes it when you call him Pretty Boy or Gorgeous."
"Yeah, I know. That's why I do it."
"When we were talking to Kinear, he also really liked it when you reminded them he was smart. I don't think a lot of people do that."
Poe smiles. "I'll keep that one in mind."
"He thinks you've got a really nice ass."
"He's right about that."
"He was wondering if you're a grower and a shower, but I don't actually know what that means."
Poe looks amused by that. "It means it's time for you to go home to Rey because you're spilling secrets you likely weren't supposed to know in the first place."
"Rey…" He smiles happily at the idea of going home to her. "We were at the room of sex, and they kept referring to Jon as my concubine, and set it up for the two of them to sleep in there, together, I had my own room, and Rey and I were playing with the idea of what I was supposed to be doing in there with my wife and concubine, and at one point Jon asked what he'd do, and I told him he could take pictures. I really liked that idea. Is that normal?"
Poe nods, and thinks as loudly as he can Rey, come get your man! "Normal enough."
Rey appears next to them, and takes one look at the exceedingly obviously drunk Kylo. "What is—"
"He was feeling squirmy about the dream situation, and wanted to talk, but was having a hard time doing it. I needed to loosen him up to get it out of him. He's… uh… loosened."
Kylo's sprawled out on the sofa, grinning up at her. "Poe thinks he'd like to see you and Jon have sex."
Rey blinks very slowly, raises a brow at Poe, who just shrugs, and then looks to Kylo, who is still grinning at her like this is the best idea he's ever had. "That's… good to know."
"He doesn't like girls, so he doesn't want to do you himself, but Jon does."
"Uh huh. And what are you doing in this situation?"
"I haven't figured that out, yet. What would you like me to do?"
She takes his hands in hers, gives him a little tug, and he lurches up to standing, almost overbalances, but catches himself, and nods to Poe. "Let's go home." Then she looks at Poe. "How much did you give him? Actually… I don't need to know. Half. Whatever it was, start at half of that next time."
Poe decides not to tell her that Kylo only drank slightly more than half of what he offered up. "I really will. I keep forgetting that he doesn't have any practice at this. By size alone, he should have a hell of a lot more tolerance than he does."
Rey's not sure about that, but she's got a suspicion that if Kylo wants to be 'loosened' anything he consumes is going to hit him hard and fast.
"Come, on, Love."
"I like it when you call me that."
"I know, Opal."
"That one's good, too." And she ports them back to their bedroom.
He grabs his head and curls in on himself, flopping onto their bed. "Oh, gods." He breathes slow and steady. After a moment, he uncurls. "Okay, I'm not going to throw up."
She sits next to him, gently stroking his forehead. He nestles into her hand.
"I don't usually feel the move when I do it myself, but…" He makes a slight gagging sound. "Oh, I felt that!"
She strokes his head a little more. He rolls onto his side to wrap his body around hers. "So, the dream really got to you."
He doesn't blush, but there is a sort of mental flush of embarrassment, and he's got himself so thoroughly curled around her, his forehead is tucked against her knee. "I feel really stupid about it."
"Enough to talk to Poe about it?" And not me.
"You aren't a guy."
Her eyebrow raises.
"I don't know why that matters, but for some reason it does." He takes her hand from the back of his head to his lips and kisses her palm.
She can feel it. He needed another man to tell him it was okay. He doesn't know why, but he did.
"And, yes, that feels stupid, too."
She strokes his forehead again.
"And having to chemically shut my brain down to be able to do it feels stupid, too."
She pets his head a little more. "That's a lot of stupid."
He flops over a bit to get himself so it's easier to look up at her. "You're not constantly roaming around needing approval from other people." That's all Ben, and then Jedi Killer, and then Supreme Leader, and now Kylo ever really wanted. It's hitting him that a big chunk of being able to even out and be more… functional, or himself, or whatever, comes from the fact that there's finally someone who matters to him, who he's also good enough for. "Needing it feels stupid to me. I shouldn't have to need this."
She shrugs at that. "I'm not as much of an empath as you are. So, my sense of self isn't tied into everyone else's sense of me. And I'm also not constantly being bombarded by everyone else's thoughts about me."
He rolls his eyes at that. But it's true. She's got to actively focus to get other people's feelings and thoughts, unless they're very intently focusing on her. And he's just got to be nearby.
"We're okay." She can feel that. He's not fussed at or by her on this one.
"I think okay is my default setting for you. I'm annoyed or fussed at me and my subconscious. Not you. You're not the one who set up the sex with Jon dream."
"I didn't stop it."
His eyebrows furrow a bit at that. He sits up, and sways a bit. "Could you have?"
"I don't see why I couldn't have. Obviously, not when I wasn't really in the dream, but once I was…"
He thinks about that, and for a moment really wishes he were a lot closer to sober because this is taking much too long to thread through. "Huh." He blinks.
"Are you upset that I didn't?" He doesn't feel upset, not as far as she can tell, but… Again, there's the sensation that actually talking about stuff like this matters. That putting it into words is… important.
His eyes squint. "No?" He thinks some more. "No. Not… no."
"But you're upset at you? But not me? Why?"
He's got nothing for that. He's thinking that maybe a little less loosened he might, but right here, right now, he's coming up blank. "Why didn't you stop it?"
Now she's thinking. It takes her a while, but he's okay to wait. He may not be thinking quick right now, but his patience is higher than usual. "Probably a few things. Uh…" she's blushing a little. "Well, it was fun. And… you know when I popped in, right?"
He nods.
"Right, so… Uh… you were… obviously enjoying it."
Since he was already stroking himself in the dream as he watched when Real Rey joined the party, apparently that was pretty obvious, so… "Yeah… I… liked seeing it."
"So… that kind of felt like permission for me to enjoy it, too, you know? If you'd been angry or sad, I couldn't have had a good time. But you were having fun, so I could, too. And I liked you enjoying it. It… felt good to show off like that. To have you watch me like that." She kisses his forehead. "You looked like you wanted to eat both of us alive, and that was… good."
He smiles a little. "That was good." His lips find hers. "I did like watching it. Kind of wanted to hop in, too, but watching was good."
"But you're upset."
"Confused… maybe? I…" It rushes out of him and he hides his face against her hip. "I'm pretty sure I didn't want to eat him, too. I wanted to eat you with him… Share the… meal… Maybe. Uh…" He's blushing high and pretty, and she can feel the heat of his blush against her leg. Then she feels the image he's got of… sharing the meal. Of her on Jon's shaft as he licks her maomao. The way she'd taste and sound and the feel of her leg over his shoulder and the crest of everyone's pleasure.
Rey nudges him to look at her. "And that's… squirmy… for you?"
"Some of it. You're my wife, not my toy, and… At least at first… It was all about me and what I wanted and…" He knows that's not all of it, but that's there, and… Listening is easier than thinking right now. "You said a few things," he shifts back to her, where he can sort of just listen and absorb, and less try to figure things out.
Rey looks a little embarrassed, but… "I… uh… You remember asking me if I'd ever done this with anyone else? Had fun?"
He's got to think about it for a moment, but eventually remembers, and nods. "Yeah. Long time ago."
"Well, you know. I didn't." She kisses him again, and offers him a little smile.
It takes a second for him to get what she didn't say. "Do you… want to try other people?" He's not sure how to process that, so he just waits for her to answer.
Another somewhat embarrassed look. "I… don't know. Sort of. Sometimes. You do, too. I know that."
"I feel bad about it."
"Yeah, but… I don't want you to feel bad about it." Unspoken, unthought I don't want to feel bad about it, either.
"I don't like wanting other women. I want to just… be yours. I want to want to just be yours."
"Do you want me to just be yours?"
He doesn't know the answer to that. There's a growly under bit that very much feels yes. There are other parts, parts that were never enough for anyone, and they'll take anything she'll give him. And if that means she goes out and tries other people, then that's that. (That thought makes him sad.) There's the part of him that just can't bear to be mad at her. Not for something like this. There's the part that wants to say as long as I get to watch, you can play with anyone I like. (That one embarrasses him.)
And there's a heart next to his, a life that makes his whole, and all the little niggly bits that she keeps under her glow of a light personality. The girl her parents abandoned. He didn't feel like he was enough for his parents. She literally wasn't. And… Until it was the two of them, literally no one ever put aside even the most trivial want to put her needs first.
"I love you," he says it, kissing her hip. "And… I'm… a shitty person. And… I don't want to share you with anyone I don't love. I love you. I love Jon. You and Jon and I'm hard as a rock. And… if you wanted to fool around with Finn it wouldn't work that way. And I don't like that about me, because… That's about my pleasure, and not yours. And… I hate you didn't get to have a good time with anyone else. And… If you do… I'll… make myself be okay with it. You're my heart. You're happy, and my heart is happy, so I'm happy. And… it feels like… wrong… to want to stick my shaft in other women, because they aren't my heart, and…"
Shit, that was part of the dream, too. He got to watch really, amazingly hot sex with people he loves. But he wasn't sticking his shaft into anyone else. And there was no temptation for that, either. The only person he wanted to have sex with was Rey.
She bends and kisses him. "I love you, too. And you're not a shitty person. We've both been working awfully hard to make that true. I… like that this… sex… is for us, you know? Something that's ours. Especially as more of our life gets public, the idea that there are things just for us is good. But… I'm not blind or dead, so… I wonder… sometimes. And I don't feel bad about it. And I don't want you to feel bad about it."
He smiles a little at that. "And Jon is sex on legs."
"He really is! I hadn't thought of him like that before, but… One moment, I'm in my own dreams happily doing… Whatever, I don't remember, and the next I'm having sex, which I generally expect to be doing with you, but I'm watching you, and you're not under me, and then, oh, there's Jon, and… That was… Good. You were enjoying it. Dream Jon was having a great time. Dream Jon is really good at sex. It was… good. But now you're… upset, unhappy, drinking to the point where your brain is mush, and if that's just a dream… Well, real other people are likely even more troubling than imaginary ones, so…"
Kylo sighs and burrows in closer to her. He pulls himself into as small a package as he can get, and lets her be the big spoon. "I think part of upset is… Us… This is for us. My pleasure serves yours and vice versa. And… The dream, at least at first, wasn't together. And… you were sucking him, and we were talking about how beautiful you are and how good you feel, and you couldn't talk, and… And getting off on all of it, and… My shaft was having a very good time. And in the moment my head was, too, because everyone was happy and enjoying it, and… empath… that's likely a situation I'll have a difficult time not being in a good mood, but… After. I wake up, wet and slippery, and you're snuggled in close and warm, and… Everything is weird and confusing and I feel like I did something wrong with my best friend, even though he wasn't actually there and… And… I feel like I was using you for his and my pleasure… And…." He's shaking his head.
Rey kisses his forehead again. And for a very brief moment she feels genuinely pleased that Unkar did as little as possible to raise her, because she can feel the muck in Kylo's brain, the decades of 'don't want,' and 'pleasure is dangerous,' and 'attachment leads to fear leads to the dark side,' and thousands of Jedi voices calling out over the millennia trying to cut Ben off from his own basic, human needs, and… She kisses him again. "It wasn't real, but even if it had been… You wouldn't have been doing anything wrong. Nothing about that dream was wrong. It was pleasure and sex and joy and love and that's not wrong, Kylo. It's not. You're allowed pleasure, and… well… I like being a source of pleasure for you."
He snugs in closer with her. "You glow when you're happy. You glow when you're certain. And when you talk about love. You go all light and warm and glow."
She doesn't know if that's literal. Probably not. But it also doesn't matter. She nudges him to face her, and kisses him, deep and warm, tasting the sweet-tart ghost of his drink on his tongue.
His hand curls to her shoulder, and drags up to the back of her neck, threading through her hair in a soft combing gesture. "My Rey of light."
She takes her time, touching and kissing each bit of him, shedding his and her clothing, feeling the echos of denial and asceticism that he tries to keep buried, tries to block out of his current life, but they're still there, hiding in the background, biting him when, and in ways, he doesn't expect it. She wishes, in the back of her head, that she had access to the memories of the Old Jedi, because there's a sort of sick curiosity that begs to know what happened, what went so wrong, that they decided no attachments, no desires, no needs, or emotions, or… any of it, made sense.
Probably some proto-Emperor, dark mad and power hungry…
He shivers a bit under her, turning in toward an especially arousing caress.
It doesn't matter.
This, here, between them, does.
She's in his lap, riding him, slow up and down, easy. Touching and feeling and sparking together.
Tonight's going to be slow. Between the alcohol and the emotions, he's not getting off anytime soon, and she's not in any rush, either. So, she sets a slow pace, easy ups and downs with long lingering kisses, and quiet, still moments of holding each other.
Be here, now, with each other.
He's looking up at her, eyes wide and pupils shot, black into deep brown, taking her in and basking in her glow. She feels so… complete, and full, of him, of light and life, adoration and succor.
He's mirroring it back to her. Taking it into himself, multiplying and refracting it, and sending it back, and she presses it into his skin with kisses, and he sings it back to her with words in her head, words in her ears, and it's this cocoon of emotions and touches and soft, whispery flows of good that she knows she doesn't want to share this.
She wants to be the only person who makes him feel this way. And she wants him to be the only one who makes her feel this way, and…
He's more than close enough that she doesn't need to say it.
He can feel it bubbling through her, that this, him, here, now in her body and mind and soul, and her, here, now wrapped around him, cradling him with her body, and mind, and soul, both of them twining love and pleasure into each other… This is theirs and theirs alone.
After, in the warmth of their bed, and the glow in their skin, she says, "It's not about sex. This…" And he knows she means all of these variations on sex. "Is good. It just is. There's no bad in this. No wrong. It's the stuff around it where bad or wrong might come in. And… Not…" She's having a hard time sorting out the thoughts.
"Wrong would be breaking the promises around this," Kylo says, feeling light and comfortable, and much less sleepy (or for that matter hung over) than he was expecting to be. "Wrong is making the promise of one and only one, and then breaking it. Not the sex itself."
She's nodding against his chest, but she thinks he's getting to the idea of it, but not on it, not yet. "It's… not setting up the rules together. Or it's trying to shove people into molds they don't want to go into."
He likes that, and it's beaming through him. He strokes his hand through her hair. "And… maybe rules change, or circumstances do, but… You make the rules, or the changes, together. The bad is in not sharing that. In just one of you demanding the power to make all the rules."
She kisses his nipple. "I like that. Together. We make the rules together."
Her hand is on his heart. He can see a dull glint of her marriage band. "Only yours," he says.
She nods at that, and kisses his chest. She scoots up a bit. "That doesn't mean I want you moping if you see someone pretty and get stiff. That's not what I want you to mean by only yours."
"Noted," he says, voice dry.
"Good." She kisses him again. "Because this…" And he knows she means this little world of love and touch and trust, "is not that."
He nods again. "Okay."
There's a thought that goes winding through his head. Later. Almost asleep. Curled around Rey, warm and content, he's drifting in a muzzy sort of way through the day and its conversations, and…
'How many other thoughts are in your head?' she'd asked him that, or something like it when they were still on Kreh.
He's never much thought about that before. How many other thoughts, other opinions, other ideas always have been in his head?
There was always some awareness of that. Of his disappointed parents, and his fearful classmates, and…
He never made the leap though.
He's an empath. He's not just aware of the emotions of the people around them, he feels them. How much of the hate he held and cherished and flared into violence was Snoke? How much of his self-loathing wasn't his… self? How much of the fears inside, of his self-concept as a monster was… not him?
He slows his mind down, matches his breath to Rey, how much of this, right here, right now, able to love and be loved and nurture as well as destroy is her?
He doesn't know. And he thinks of Jon, who isn't sleeping next to Lane right now…
Thinks of Jon… his lonely, droopy concubine… Yearning for his own man. Wanting his love back.
He thinks of all of those moments, of trying to figure out how to be good for Jon, how to help, how to… make him happy. He didn't want to be next to Kylo's love. He wanted his own love back.
Even in his dreams, Kylo couldn't do that. But… he could get close… Maybe. He could drop Jon into his love, let him be part of it. He wasn't next to it. He wasn't a toy for him and Rey to play with it. He was interacting with Jon more than he was Rey, until Rey got into the dream… Because…
Because sex isn't love. But love is often expressed as sex. Because, especially with Rey, they're so tightly wound into each other, that Kylo's got a bugger of a time untwining them, which is probably a whole lot of why he feels so off when his body takes a liking to someone else.
He loves Jon. And he wants Jon to be happy. So, he gave Jon his love in a… probably twisted sort of way…
Or maybe an honest one.
The idea still turns him on. His loves loving on each other. Thinking about it further, he even likes the idea of it with Poe in the group. Poe would make Jon extra happy. Or Jon would make Poe happy. Between the lingering effects of the alcohol and the sex with Rey, his shaft is in a coma, but the idea of it is still there. His loves all golden and pink and together and happy and…
And Rey is in his arms, and he's her one thing, and she doesn't want to share him, so…
He'll be her one thing. No one ever gave anything up for her, and he'll be damned for all eternity if he can't do this for her.
And maybe one day they'll revisit that. If she wants to. Or maybe they won't.
And it'll be okay, because they'll figure it out together.