5/25/2
"You're distracted," Jacen says when Kylo appears before him.
"Distracting morning. So…" Normally, they meet up and Kylo takes Jacen for training with him, but this time Jacen's got a "surprise." So, for the moment, he's in the cottage that Jacen and Critt share. He wrinkles his nose. "You need to do laundry."
Jacen smirks at that, and nods to the door. "Let's go for a walk."
"It's bloody cold out there." And Kylo's not even remotely dressed for it. Usually, training with Jacen, these days means heading to the courtyard to sit and talk and feel. Or maybe go to the gym and make him run around and hit things a bit. So, he's in his casual clothing, not the thirty layers he'd need for walking around outside on Lirium.
"Fine. Pull the image from my head and port us there."
Kylo notices that Jacen's also not dressed for outside, comes to the conclusion that he'd always intended Kylo to port them, rolls his eyes a bit as Jacen smirks at him, and starts to pull the idea from his mind.
He stops dead, right there, feeling it, knowing what he's seeing, the main seating area of the Falcon. "Jacen."
And Jacen of course knows that Kylo recognizes what he sees. "Look, he told me to bring you with me the next time we got a chance to train, so… Come on."
"Wait, he told you to bring… me?"
"Yeah."
Kylo's dead silent.
Jacen waits an extra moment before saying, "You're not thinking right now, so tell me what you're feeling, because I'm lost."
"I… He asked you to bring me?"
"Again, yes."
"Oh. Uh… Well… let's go then." Kylo takes Jacen's hand, and ports them to the Falcon. Because that's a lot easier than trying to figure out why Chewie's got Jacen bringing him… well… home.
He feels… welcome… when he gets them there. He doesn't specifically feel Han, and Jacen says to him, "Yeah. I'm not getting him either, right now, but he's usually lurking about somewhere. Sometimes I think The Falcon remembers him, and it's a sort of echo, and sometimes he's actually here."
Before Kylo can really think about that, Chewie notices that they're there.
He ambles in from the cockpit and stares at both of them. It's clear that he's suddenly not sure if this was a great idea, because Kylo's just staring at everything, feeling… Feeling like too damn much has already been shoved into today. Next weekend, he's taking a bloody day off, a real day off… He sighs; he's probably supposed to be at some stupid shindig instead of taking a day off.
Jacen smirks and elbows him, and says, "Come on, Master. I think the two of you are supposed to be training me," then he sets off for the cockpit.
Chewie laughs and says, Maybe. He nods to Kylo. He's never flown before, so not sure who we're training up today.
And Kylo gets it. Chewie's offering to teach him how to fly. Here. He's… Kylo swallows, doing the thing he never did before, but at least in his own mind, should have.
"You've never flown The Falcon before?" Jacen asks, literally stunned, as he stops dead, standing next to the pilot's seat.
"I was never allowed to," Kylo replies, not sure where he's supposed to go. He's standing between the two rear seats, feeling Chewie behind him, really watching them. "And I've never flown The Falcon before. I've flown lots of other ships. I was a test pilot for the First Order."
Chewie looks surprised by that.
"Why not let him fly The Falcon?" Jacen asks.
Kylo looks annoyed, but Chewie's the one who answers. "Kid'd blow the power when he got upset, stressed, or too excited. Learning how to fly is stressful and exciting. Didn't think risking that in hyperdrive was a good plan. Chewie moves past Kylo and gets into his co-pilot seat. At the very least, he knows where he goes.
Jacen just stares at Kylo.
Kylo shrugs. "He's underplaying stressed or upset. Frothing rage, but… It didn't take as much to get me into one as it should have back then."
Chewie nods at that. You want an exciting afternoon? Try telling this kid that no, he can't have another cookie, he's had three already, and the boom, the whole fucking house is vibrating, the lights pop, and the power dies.
Kylo doesn't remember that, so he shrugs. It certainly could have happened, but…
Jacen's still staring, and for the first time, Chewie's got the sense that he's nervous. "You've, uh… got that under control now, right?"
Kylo can't help it, the memory of it leaps into his head, and of course, Jacen just thinks his memory of the last time he accidentally blew the power is the funniest thing EVER, and he's cackling like a maniac.
Which of course means Chewie wants to know, after all, the Falcon is his baby, and they're all going to die, fast, if Kylo blows the power at the wrong moment.
Kylo rolls his eyes again, steps forward, and gives Jacen a gentle whack upside the back of the head, which doesn't exactly stop the sniggering, though it does quiet it down some. Then he says to Chewie, "I can promise it won't happen here."
Chewie's look is a very elegant expression of don't bantha shit a bantha shitter.
Another epic eye roll. "Rey's not here, and without her help, it doesn't happen, okay?"
There's a second of absolute dead silence, a heartbeat where Chewie's just staring at him, not quite understanding, and then he does, and then that silence breaks with a roar of belly shaking laughter.
Kylo feels wrapped in it. Being next to a wookie is going to be an intense emotional experience for anyone, but Kylo gets it a lot deeper and more thorough than the average human. And that loud, gleeful laughter starts to peel away the worries about Snoke… Palpatine… Snalpatine… He doesn't like that thought at all. Or if the bastard was really a clone, is he actually dead, and if not, where the fucker's been the last two years, and…
Laughter peels that away. Chewie's genuinely pleased that… well… Kylo's apparently having emotional releases that don't involve hating himself and everyone else, and if he's going to blow the power, at least everyone had a very good time of it.
Kylo smirks a little, and then says, "Yeah… The hotel was pretty impressed when the entire grid went dead." He smirks a lot. "The second time that day."
That sets off more laughing. Jacen shoves his shoulder and grins brilliantly at him. Then he looks a little smug. He's got some experience Kylo doesn't. "I don't know, putting her into drive is awfully sweet. Your dad wasn't wrong about how it feels."
Kylo remembers thinking to Jacen what his dad didn't say, but did think about the feel of putting The Falcon through her paces. "Yeah, well, just like lips on a shaft, this isn't my first time putting a ship into hyperdrive, so I'm not going to blow my load, or the power, on the first thrust. Been through this a few times before."
Jacen's face is challenging.
Kylo turns his full attention on him. "Once I got somewhere someone would let me in a ship, because they didn't much care if I died, or if I wrecked a ship or… eighty…" He thinks that's how many he went through before the Silencer. Jacen misses the implications of that. Chewie doesn't and looks horrified. "I picked it up fast. I'm rated on every one-pilot ship the Order has, and got so good at it they let me test pilot new designs." Though "let" might not be exactly the right word. Once he got done breaking the ships he learned on, he explained what his ship needed to do. They gave him a new one. It… did not meet his specifications. He got a new one. This continued for quite a while. Some of the ones that weren't up to spec for him did go into production for other pilots, though. "My battleship is a TIE Silencer, and I've got the only one of them. We never did put the line into production." He leans over Jacen, lays his hand on the throttle. "Let's see what this girl'll do when someone who knows how to fly has her."
Jacen raises a brow, stands up, gestures to the pilot seat, and says, "Well, then, show me some tricks, Master."
There was a time, years ago, when he'd gone out, carousing, with the Knights. Sort of. He'd mostly tagged along and hated himself and everything near him. He'd wanted to enjoy the fight, and then enjoy the pleasure ladies after the fight, and maybe get roaring drunk after that, too.
He had enjoyed the fight. They'd… these days he doesn't like thinking about what they'd done, but at the time it felt good. At the time fighting was the only thing that ever felt good. And after…
He wanted to feel good. Keep feeling good. The fight was… his body fast and hard and tingling from excitement and adrenaline and just the thrill of his power and the exhilaration of death. After, the Knights felt good. They were allowed to. He wasn't. And if good wasn't an option, he wanted to numb himself into feeling nothing, and as best he knew alcohol would do that if he let it.
He wasn't allowed that, either.
What he actually did was sit in the waiting area, looking at the girls, not touching, not talking to them, "waiting" for his Knights, sure that as soon as they got back Snoke was going to tear him several new assholes. (This did, indeed, happen. Mission parameters switched apparently after the mission, and he failed to anticipate that Snoke would want prisoners to interrogate. He'd brought prisoners back the time before, and got a new asshole ripped for that, too… He makes himself stop thinking of that part.)
After the Knight's finished their night out, after he'd pulled them out of the pleasure palace because he'd gotten the call to return, he was in the communal showers on their transport with the Knights, and Ranal said something about the proverbial lady, "Needs a bag over her face to attract men, but she's on fire in the sack."
The only reason he really understood that comment was the whole mindreader thing.
That said, he's thinking that's a really good way to describe the Falcon. She's ugly as all get out. Impractically designed. Falls apart if you look at her wrong, but HOLY MOTHER OF THE FORCE does she have it where it matters!
Flying her is like… really good sex, or a religious experience, the way religious experiences are supposed to happen. He barely even needs to use his hands and feet, he just thinks how she's supposed to go and she does it. She's the most nubile, responsive, fast heap of junk he's ever had the privilege of handling and he loves her unreservedly and is suddenly getting a much better mental map of who his father was.
Flying her is… bliss. It's that quiet spot he has such a hard time finding on his own. He can just sink into the way she moves and flow.
And at the same time, he tries not to feel sad. He's doing it now. He got to do this. There were a lot of possible versions of his life where he didn't get to sit here next to Chewie with Jacen behind him, zipping through the galaxy. Late is better than never, and it may be late, but it is happening.
But… there were a lot of versions of his life where he'd have been doing this for twenty years. Where Han might be in the seat behind him. Where the three of them were off doing…
He doesn't close his eyes to think about that. Bad plan when you're the pilot.
He lets her take them away, and twists them through some really tight turns while imputing the coordinates for his favorite test run from back in the day.
Time to see if she'll hold together through the run he'd put his TIEs through.
When Kylo finally slows the Falcon to a stop, Chewie's muttering about his hair going gray, there are likely not permanent grooves in the hand rest from where he was clutching it, and he's developing a certain sympathy for Finn when he's got to deal with Jacen on a tear, and Jacen, who was already kindly disposed toward Kylo, is getting near worshipful.
Though, he's still an eighteen-year-old man-kid, so worshipful is buried under a layer of sarcasm and genuine confusion, "Why the hell are you trying to teach me to use a lightsaber when you can do that?"
Kylo blinks. Jacen is a pilot. He knows this. Why the bloody hell was he trying to teach him how to use a lightsaber?
He blinks again. Because being a pilot isn't intrinsic to being a Jedi. Because Luke didn't train him how to fly, he learned it before he became a Jedi. Because Anakin learned to fly before he became a Jedi, too. Because Obi Wan never actually mastered it beyond the ability to get from point A to point B. Because no one has any memories of Yoda flying at all. Because…
"I didn't think of it."
Because you can decide to kill the old patterns, but if they're so deeply ingrained you don't even know they are patterns, they're really hard to dismantle.
"Yeah, well, get thinking. What the fuck were you doing, back…" He gestures behind them. "Sixty light years ago when you did that… Thing."
Flying like his dad. Chewie's voice rumbles. He's quiet for a moment, and then adds, When we were right on the edge. He'd fly like that when we were running away from something. When it really mattered that we'd get away.
Kylo nods. "Time slows down, and your heart is beating fast, but you can feel the stretch between them, and you can make your brain go faster because time is going slower and…" He looks at Jacen, and then sighs. "You've got flash prescience. You'll be even better at it than I am."
Jedi flying. Chewie says.
"Maji flying," Jacen replies, shaking his head. He more than followed Kylo's thoughts about patterns. "There was no Jedi flying. But there bloody well will be Maji flying." Jacen grins at him, having more than read enough of Kylo's thoughts. "There's no reason why, at some point, the Knights of Ren couldn't be a flight group."
Kylo smirks at that. He touches his hip, where his saber would be if he were wearing it. "The Jedi spent so much time and attention on their sabers. Making them, finding the right crystal, building them to suit their fighting style. Each one a work of art in and of themselves… But it doesn't have to be a blade."
"It could be a ship," Jacen says.
Yeah, well, if it's going to be a ship, you need to do a ton more studying, Chewie adds. Someone's got to learn a shit ton more math if he's going to design his own ship.
Kylo shrugs at that. "You can hire someone to build the damn ship. You just need to get enough of a feel for her… him… to arrange him for you." He feels a little silly at tripping on that.
Jacen smirks a bit at that. "It's okay. I know all of your ships are ladies. The Falcon is, too. You don't have to stutter over my ships being boys."
Kylo's eyes narrow. That was just a feeling. He didn't put it into any sort of words or thought. Empathy?
Jacen shrugs a bit. "You blushed."
Kylo inclines his head.
Chewie looks curiously between them.
"I've got to train up my empathy before he'll help me learn to really use my powers."
Now Chewie's looking at Kylo, still curious. He's also, very clearly, trying to get a map of who the adult version of Ben Solo became. How he thinks about things like… well, being an older brother/favorite uncle/father type thing to this other Force bright kid.
Kylo makes himself not shrug at this, not brush it off as indifferent or maybe lessening the importance so that it won't sting so much if Chewie doesn't approve. "It's vastly too easy to fuck people over if you can overpower them with a whim," he nods to Jacen, "or with a word. There's got to be some way to build in an ability to be aware of what you're doing and how it can hurt. I—we're throwing out the old Jedi's techniques for that, so… Best guess I've got is that if you've got genuine empathy, if you can feel how horrible everyone around you feels when you hurt them, that's a built in buffer against really hurting other people."
"Most people won't voluntarily shoot themselves in the hip to shoot someone else," Jacen says. "Assuming, I'm getting you right?"
Kylo nods at that. "Pretty much. The better you understand and empathize with the people around you, the easier it is to not be a flaming asshole to them. That's the goal at least," he eyes Jacen. "We'll see how it works out. M'Gll and I were sort of… Luke's experiments on how to raise up new Jedi. To a degree, I guess you're my main experiment on how to raise up a Maji."
"Not the little guys?"
"They are, too. But you're oldest, so you get to enjoy the various ideas first."
"As long as those ideas involve more time in a cockpit, I'll sign up for experirat duty."
Experirat?
"They're… uh… little rodents that medical centers use to test drugs on. Don't they…" Jacen asks.
"We've got versions of them in the wider galaxy," Kylo says. (He's starting to get reports on where the Order spends its money, and, apparently, they go through fifty million credits of them per year. He's got no idea why, after all the reports he's getting are just pure numbers, but the science wing is very conscientious on its bookkeeping, so their audits are coming in, first.)
All right, flyboy, let's see what you can do when you've got to go somewhere specific. And Chewie sets specific coordinates. Let's go.
Kylo doesn't know where they're going by the coordinates.
He's getting an inkling as he's moving through a very dense bit of nebula that's not exactly easy piloting, but nothing he needs to really focus on. Not like it's a packed asteroid field with barely twenty meters between rocks.
(Jacen keeps looking at Chewie with a big I told you so, on his face. Kylo decides not to poke into that.)
He does know by the feel of it when they break atmo.
He glances over to Chewie, who, having seen Kylo pilot in a more sedate and serious sort of way, is acting a lot more relaxed. "I was thinking I'd come with Rey."
Chewie shrugs. Coming with me doesn't mean you can't come with her.
"Not exactly the point I was making," Kylo says.
Jacen's looking between them. "He thinks it's important to teach us to be proper adults… Men. Go find a home for our… your… woman."
Mate. Better?
Jacen nods.
Kylo just raises a brow. He didn't have the sense he was falling down on the job according to wookie-style husbanding. Rey's fed, has a home, and Kylo's pretty damn attentive. Besides the lack of cubs, they're golden as well as he knows. But, he can feel what Chewie's focused on, home. And apparently, Lirium isn't passing muster. (And the Supremacy just isn't part of Chewie's map of the landscape.)
Voice dry, Kylo responds to how Chewie's feeling. "I know wookies do it differently, but… Most human women like it when you include them in the whole finding-a-home thing."
Chewie waves that off. If you don't know her well enough to make her the home she wants, what the fuck have you been up to these last few years?
Kylo keeps his voice dry as he says, "Learning that she wants to be included in things like making a home?"
Jacen rolls his eyes a little. Kylo's going off of what Chewie's feeling. Chewie's trying to get a problem solved and is thinking about how they still don't have a new place to live yet. He decides now's a prime time to leap into the conversation. "She keeps turning islands down. We've done three sweeps, and Rose and Finn and Chewie keep finding okay places, and Poe seems okay, but she's telling us to keep looking. She says she'll know it when she sees it, and…" It's clear from what Jacen's not saying that the older members of the crew are coming to the conclusion there's nowhere Rey's going to be okay with.
Kylo didn't know that. "Oh." He blinks. "I haven't asked."
"Yeah, well, it sounds like you've been busy lately."
And now you're not, so find your woman the home she wants and let's get moving before we all freeze.
"Nope."
Jacen rolls his eyes and Chewie growls.
"I know it's the tenth island. It's not right." Actually, Kylo's got no idea if it's the right bloody island or not. It's an island; it seems fine to him, but if it's not the right one according to Rey, it's not the right one.
And to ensure that stays the official line, he's got his thoughts so deeply buried, with a long, in depth layer of focus about everything he's seeing on top, that Jacen can't follow them.
(Though it's clear that he knows something is up. It's not like he's unaware of how Kylo thinks, so he knows that an ongoing catalog of everything he's seeing is not how he usually thinks. What he doesn't know is if this is Kylo island shopping, making detailed lists of what he's seeing for comparison purposes, or if he's using one of his standard avoiding the deeper attention of mind readers techniques.)
Chewie just shoves his shoulder and says, Fuck it. She won't pick, and you won't pick for her. He rolls his eyes and shakes his head. The point of having a mate is the idea that sooner or later at least one of you should be able to make a fucking decision.
"Yeah, 'cause that always worked so well for Mom and Dad, or you and Mallie."
Chewie's eyes narrow, and he looks about to snap at Kylo, but he doesn't. He makes himself not snap or growl.
"We make decisions together. And I'm sorry this is slowing things down, but I'm not staking out an island for us without at least talking to her, and more likely without her express permission and consent."
Carry the damn load, Ben. That's what a mate does. If she can't take it, you take it for her. She'd do it if she could. If she's not doing it, it's because she can't.
Kylo's turn to glare, but like Chewie, he doesn't snap, even if he'd like to. It'd be so much easier, and satisfying, to argue about Ben.
Drop it, Kylo. Jacen's mind in his. Not gonna help the situation.
He lets out a slow breath. "We'll talk about it."
Jacen's voice is a little on the quiet side as he says, "He's not steering you wrong on this on, Kylo. She looks at the maps and scans and… When we go, she stays home with the little ones. I didn't realize this was part of what he was thinking when he set this up, but…" He shakes his head a little. Why didn't he realize that? He should have known. Chewie looks absurdly pleased with himself at that, though. Jacen brings himself back to the bit that matters right now. "It feels like she's stuck. There's stuff going on in her head she'd probably prefer I didn't pick up on, but…"
"Then we'll talk. And if she tells me she can't do it on her own, I'll carry her." He's looking up at Chewie, eyes intense. "That's part of the difference. Part of why fifty years from now, assuming we're both still breathing, we'll still be married. Part of why you and Dad made it, and Mom and Dad didn't."
Chewie's eyes narrow a bit at that, but he doesn't say anything. What he had with Han is, from what he can tell, a lot more like what his human family considers a marriage than what he had with his wife. That said, Han made a lot of snap decisions for them. Not always good ones. For that matter, he did, too. They just… backed each other's play if and when it came down to it. But it's not like they tended to sit around talking about shit like this. They just did it, and hoped the dice came up in their favor.
Kylo looks around at the island they're standing on. "They pretty much all look like this, right?"
"In this area, yeah. Go north a few hundred klicks and the sand is black. Go south a thousand more, and the beaches are stone." Jacen says. "We came to the conclusion that we didn't want anywhere too cold, and we all liked the idea of being near the water, so…"
Kylo nods at that. "What about…" He gestures to the north-east. To an island he knows exists, where he could only see Rey. "You feel it, right?"
Jacen nods. "Yeah. Uh…" Jacen looks uncomfortable. "Don't want to go there, not alone, really don't want to live there."
Kylo understands, in his bones and guts, that sensation. It's not bad, or fear, per se, but it's certainly a warning and it definitely sets his danger senses off.
Chewie rolls his eyes at that. It's fine. Covered in Porgs. And the nuns don't exactly love visitors, but it's not like there's monsters.
"Just ghosts," Kylo replies.
Jacen nods at that. Then he raises a brow at Kylo. "You have had a distracting day, haven't you? Who's… Dead Guy?"
Kylo shakes his head a bit. "Something I'm still working on." He looks around some more. "This isn't your favorite of the bunch, right?"
Jacen shakes his head. "Nah, it's good, but…" He gestures to the coastline, "it's curved the wrong way. Get one that's convex, and the other two sides of the island will protect the part of the coast we're hoping to live on."
Chewie nods.
"Great. Show me the one everyone else likes best."
Chewie looks surprised.
"I said we'd talk. Talking will work better if I know what I'm supposed to be talking about. Plus, I'll have a much easier time getting there if I've been there before."
Chewie nods, slowly, at that. Kylo's got the sense that he's passed some sort of test. It makes him feel happy, and a bit irked to be that happy from a nod.
Jacen's the one flying now, and he puts The Falcon down neatly on a wide stretch of sand that feels familiar to Kylo.
"I… haven't been here, right?"
"I can't imagine you have," Jacen replies, as they get up to head out and set foot on sand.
Once on the beach, and looking around, Kylo figures out what he's seeing. This is Finn's picnic island. Okay, not specifically Finn's picnic island. He's pretty sure the picnic island is the curvy one at the far side of the bay he's standing next to.
But, yeah, he's, in some sense, been here before.
Bay's three klicks across. Ten islands make a half circle around it. This, Chewie gestures to the flat, treeless sands around them, is the one that'd likely make the best landing pad. Wouldn't take a miracle to get a hardtop on this.
Jacen nods to what looks like a bigger island, at least one with more greenery, and some hills, "That's probably the main island people live on. It's got freshwater springs. There's a sand spit between here and there, so building some sort of walking bridge would be easy enough. End to end it's a klick and a half long, and it sort of curls around the bay and a few of the other islands."
Kylo gestures to picnic island. "And that's the one Finn and Rose want?"
Jacen nods. "Yeah. It's a good setup from what we can tell. The water is warm. The islands curl around each other and offer some protection from the weather."
They're tight enough in that we can set a field generator around the perimeter for protection from weather or anything else that might come our way.
"And there's room to be close enough to keep an eye on each other, but not be right on top of one another, too."
"Big critters? Sentients?" Kylo asks.
"No sign of either, as of yet." Jacen says. "But we're watching, and trying to get a better feel for what's here. A month of weather data, so that's iffy. But from the shape of the plants and trees, these islands should be safe for things like us."
Kylo watches the trees swaying on the island across the bay from them. Whatever the climate does here, it allows for trees that are twenty to thirty meters tall, so it can't be that bad. "Certainly nothing like that back home."
Chewie nods, pointing toward where Luke's island is, thousands of klicks from here. Obviously, sentients can and do live on this planet, with an extremely low tech level, so we know it's not a flat out death trap.
"There is that." Kylo keeps looking around. "And this is the place you guys like best?"
"Finn and Rose are planning on putting their place over there," Jacen gestures at the island across from them. "Whether we're coming here or not."
Kylo's a little surprised by that, and then isn't. "Right. They've got a tighter and more urgent time frame than we do, don't they?"
Exactly. Chewie replies. They already moved heavily pregnant once, and aren't looking forward to doing it again, let alone with a toddler. Once you sweep Canto, and they've got their cut, they're going to start getting set up. They and the medbay are moving sooner than later, and that's that.
"Good point," Kylo says, trying to imagine how soon he'd be looking to get Rey out if she were in the process of cooking their baby. Yesterday. He'd likely be looking to have gotten them out, yesterday. If not last month. Or… even with the ability to teleport to immediate medical care, and Rey's light side healing skills, there's still a sense in his mind that, should Rey happen to be pregnant, he's likely going to want her no further than three steps from a fully staffed medical bay at all times.
He's also fairly sure that, should any sentiments along those lines manage to get out of his head and anywhere near hers, she will be less than optimally pleased with him and it's a good plan to work on strangling them now, before it's really an issue.
"Good plan," Jacen says.
Kylo rolls his eyes.
Jacen's looking at him expectantly, and gestures to the islands.
Kylo shrugs. "It's nice." He shrugs again. "They're all nice. With the exception of the poles, probably every centimeter of this planet is currently preferable to Lirium, including Luke's island, so… We'll talk."
Chewie's eyes narrow at that, but he nods, and both Kylo and Jacen can feel that he's maybe not thrilled by this turn of events, but he's at least satisfied. Chewie waves to the islands around them. Go explore. If you're going to talk, you better well know what you're talking about, right?
Kylo smirks a little at him, and then vanishes, reappearing almost exactly the same moment as a tiny black dot on the far side of the bay.
Jacen shakes his head. "That is bloody unsettling, isn't it?"
Convenient though. I wouldn't mind being able to do it.
"Yeah, well, me, too. Still looks like something that shouldn't be. It's… squicky."
Chewie laughs. Good word for it, kid. You think he'll get her moving?
"I think it's more likely than if we keep dangling new islands in front of her."
Good enough.
When it comes down to it, all Kylo needs to be "home" is to have a somewhat horizontal place to sleep, next to Rey. Access to food would likely be nice, too. And he'd rather prefer that there be some sort of refresher within easy walking distance.
The rest of it is optional.
And, especially with their home on the Supremacy, he hasn't exactly been feeling a sense of any sort of real urgency to get them off of Lirium. (Though, it's likely because Rey is not feeling any sense of urgency to get off of Lirium.)
He nudges the sand with the toe of his boot. It's a creamy white color on this island. He'll admit a certain level in interest in the idea of black sand, but… This is probably good enough.
Looking around further, across the bay, he can see the smallish brown lump that's Chewie, and the smaller ginger lump that's Jacen. He looks down at the ground under his feet.
Carry the load, Ben…
He's not just a husband here, looking for a way to make his wife happy. He's supposedly a third (Sixth? Seventh? An important part) of the "adult" population of the Maji, and he supposes that means he's got some responsibility toward all these small people who are also Maji.
They're not just Rey's kids, who he helps out with. They're his, too, and… So, a new home.
He feels Jacen and Chewie getting antsy on the far side of the bay. He's been 'exploring' for a while. Head home. I know how to get myself back.
You sure? Jacen thinks back.
Yeah, I think I'm going to be at this longer than anticipated.
He feels Jacen nod, and sees The Falcon take off a minute later.
It feels like an island. Neither right nor wrong. It's just some sea around a blob of land under a pretty blue sky.
He likes staring up at that sky from under the shade of the trees. It feels good. Both air that's warm enough to touch his skin without burning cold, and the feel of a breeze that just wafts his hair a bit. It's a very nice contrast to air so cold it'll freeze the moisture in your breath to your skin, except the wind's so hard and fast it doesn't get the chance to stick around long enough for that to happen.
Mostly, he likes that it's blue.
The sky was blue on Chandrilla, where he was born. It was blue on Onieros, The Dreamer, Poe called it, where Luke made their home. Blue here, too. That's his… default setting of what a sky is supposed to be. Blue sky, blue water, sand and trees.
It probably has pinky-orange sunrises and sunsets, not the greeny-brown of Lirium.
To the extent that it feels 'right' to him, it's that sort of right. It's… aesthetics he appreciates and an ingrained familiarity.
He sits at the base of a tall tree, feeling it solid and a bit rough at his back. It's alive and (as much as a plant can be) happy here. That's good.
He lets his mind wander through today. Through Padme, and meaning, and an Emperor who might still be lurking in the shadows, and the feel of… He doesn't know what it's called, the Jedi Sanctuary maybe, pulling at his mind.
He's probably five to ten thousand klicks away from where he touched Rey… well, no… From where Rey touched him, voluntarily, for the first time. He touched Rey for the first time on Takodana. Carried her in his arms, emotions a whirl, mostly focused on the fact that his father and mother were both there, or coming, and the tumult of what that could mean.
There's… a similar thread right now, something that feels reminiscent of that moment.
Things like this, all falling on top of each other at one time. There's likely meaning here. There's… omens and portents and the Force arranging things to give subtle messages and whatnot.
So, he sits, and waits, watches the sun glint off the ocean, and the small waves lapping at the shore.
Enlightenment is not forthcoming.
Because… well maybe today's not the day for that. Maybe today's a day for… Sand under his hands, under his bum, wood against his back…
Foundations.
Maybe today is a day for foundations. A day for building the buttresses and fortresses they're going to need to withstand the coming storm.
Kylo stands up, and starts to walk around the island, getting more of a feel for it.
His home with Rey, that's his foundation, so… get that good and solid, and then be ready for what comes next.
He visits all of the islands in this cove. Takes the time to wander about, see how they feel, let his senses open outward. Just because they've got scan saying there are no sentients or big critters…
He didn't do that on Lirium, and it bit them. He's doing it here.
But, unless they're migratory and not here right now, he's not catching any other sentients, and the only big things he's feeling live in the water, and don't feel like they're going to come out to visit. (That said, he's thinking this might not be a great planet for deep water swimming. He's planning on telling the kids not to go out much past two meters deep. Big things can't swim in water that shallow.)
He's on a beach. Not Finn and Rose's beach, though he can see it from here. He's on the far side of the bay from them. Probably about 700 meters away. Close enough to yell, far enough away not to be tripping on each other. Probably an ideal amount of space between him and Finn.
Close enough for their kids to play together. Far enough away for them to safely ignore each other most of the time.
Kids.
He has the feel of children here. How much of that is 'real,' how much of it is fantasy, he doesn't know. But he can imagine it. Here, on the sand, teaching some dark-haired children how to swim. (Two brown ones, because unless Rose knows how to swim he'll be in charge of that, and two pale ones. Baby Tico-Rens spending an afternoon with Uncle Kylo/Dad.)
The image feels 'real' enough… Ish. The Tico kids are Paige and a little boy. The Rens are… potential. Undefined as of yet. Real, but unshaped.
His eyes close on the image, and he tucks it close, keeping it near his heart.
Sand under his feet, grass and trees behind him.
There could be a house here. It could be theirs.
Sand before him. Water beyond.
Bonfires, sunset, sand and water. There could be a wedding here. A celebration of family, with family.
Another image hits, him kneeling before Rey, wind in their hair, his arms around her hips, as he says his vows to her. Jon and Kinear slightly behind him. Finn and Rose a little beyond Rey. Poe… smiling. A little behind them.
Setting sun, glimmers on the water, standing, Poe holding a torch, live flame flickering, lighting their own flames, passing it to the rest of the party, the flame spreading out from them, lighting the beach as the sun vanishes.
There could, indeed, be a wedding here.
There could be dancing here, and reveling, and a home, and living, and…
There could be a life here.
And he wants it.
There could be a house here. A home. In his mind it's tucked back from the water a bit, snugged in between the tall trees. Maybe five meters past the treeline. Close enough to see the water framed through the trunks.
It's got clean lines, and big windows. And most of the time, those windows are open. Maybe screened, because there does appear to be a collection of insects that live here, along with at least a few species of bird, and he's seen three different types of little lizards. He rather they didn't sleep in his room, so they'd need something to keep them out, but…
Details…
Breakfast coffee on a porch, in the shade, sipping the bitter brew, watching the waves.
Hell, maybe they'll get a hammock.
A big one.
One he and Rey and baby can lay around in, nap in the shade of the afternoon.
He rolls his eyes. In their copious free time.
Still, it's a good dream.
It's not an ideal island for landing a ship on, but it doesn't need to be. The one The Falcon landed on would do for that. Stick some bridges or something like that between the islands… But this one… They could have their home here, and there's room for the kids to put their cottages. Maybe stick the communal kitchen a bit further behind the treeline.
There could be classrooms here, and a full gym. It's a big enough island they could probably fit a good thirty cottages without everyone feeling like they're going to be tripping on each other.
Jacen and the older kids would probably want to be on a different island.
There's one at the far end of his view, and he's got a sense it'd be a place for Jon and Poe one day. Though he doesn't think they'll actually live here so much as have a place they come to relax from time to time. This won't be home for them the way it'll be home for him and Rey and Finn and Rose.
Would Chewie want a cottage? He didn't build one on Lirium, just like Poe didn't. But maybe here, where there are trees…
Maybe this would be home for Chewie, not just a place home lands…
Maybe, eventually, it'll be home for a lot of people who need a place, a foundation, to ride out the storm.
He likes that idea, too. Likes the idea of being the person he needed when he was a kid. Loves the idea of being the man who can build the place he needed when he was a kid.
He thinks of Critt and Ostrae, and helping them build homes for themselves. Thinks of a place for other, unknown, but he knows, real darklings out there, looking for a home and someone who doesn't loathe them for being themselves.
He's on the beach, looking at the water, feeling an urge to take his boots, and likely the rest of his clothing, off, go splash around, wade some…
He checks his chrono. Not too late, but his stomach is telling him that food in the not wildly distant future would be good.
Food… a blanket, maybe some pillows… do this up properly, not his cloak on the ground…
He grins, the idea of cribbing off of Finn's date night springing to mind. A moment later, he's gone, back in their room on the Supremacy, fetching things for tonight.
Blanket, pillows, the candles that they had when the Organas showed up… This is starting to look good.
He's shoving the candles into the sand, building up little wind blocks for them, as he thinks to Rey, Dinner thoughts?
He feels the groan. High tea! Do you know what high tea is?
Not just liquid refreshment?
There is a tower of pastries taller than I am. They've been feeding us for more than an hour now. The girls are in heaven, because most of it's mostly sugar, but I'm about to explode.
So, I'll take that as get whatever I like, and if you somehow get peckish you'll have a bite.
Yeah, sounds good. Uh… whatever it is, not sweet. If I have any more sugar, I'm going to get sick.
Noted. Savory whatever it is for me.
Thanks.
He doesn't want to break contact with her, not right now, but he also doesn't have anything else to add. He looks at the blanket. Well, maybe something. Once you get the girls settled, just port to me, okay?
He feels her interest across their bond. You've got something planned, don't you?
He smirks at that. Maybe.
Good. See you in a few hours.
Great!
He's on the beach, sitting on the blanket, next to a plate with several kabobs on it and some flat breads, a pitcher of juice next to it, staring at where their home might be.
He's got a good image of the porch, and the windows, but… what goes inside… is fuzzier.
He supposes it could be their place in Lirium… They'll have time, they can pack it up and move it, but… He doesn't exactly love it. He loves that it's Rey's home, but it's kind of flat for his tastes. (Especially, after he was in Finn and Rose's place which is filled with colors and textures and things and… Rey's workbench looks real, like that's something someone loved and cared for, but… There's not a lot of personality in the rest of their Lirium home.)
He and Rey can start from scratch and do it together. Doing his room was fun, if a little frustrating at some points, but… A home. That'd be good.
He still… doesn't have an image of what the inside of the house looks like.
It's a really cold feeling that sprawls through him when he thinks of Chewie's "If you don't know her well enough to make her the home she wants, what the fuck have you been up to these last few years?"
He tamps that down. He knows… Right? She likes the warm coral colors and rusts and bright blues and greens and… She's in Theed, or probably coming home from Theed now, so his mental image of their place shifts from a square to a cylinder. Rey loves the way Theed looks. They could have a round house. No reason why not. She likes the buildings in Theed with their copper roofs and the sandstone, and the cobbled streets, and…
And when they looked at paintings, she liked bright and colorful and abstract. (He, of course, preferred black and white photographs.)
So, their house could be round, and it could have a big porch, and the hammock, and copper is expensive as fuck, so probably not a copper roof, but he doesn't see any reason why their place couldn't be a creamy peachy color, with a green dome on top of it, and…
Flowers. She likes flowers. She brought the flowers home from Alderaan. So, things grow here, so they can bloody well figure out a way to make some fucking flowers grow around their house, and…
And…
Inside…
Uh…
"Shit."
It's been two bloody years now. More. He should damn well know what his woman likes in a house.
What the fuck has he been doing? (Well, yes, learning that she wants to be involved in the whole deciding things like this but… Shit.)
Okay, so what the fuck goes in a house?
Workbench. Rey wants a workbench, and thinking about it, if they're starting from scratch, there's no reason why she can't have her own work room. He could move his tools (since he basically uses them never these days) and her bench and tools, and they could have an actual room… (He gets a flash of a mental image… His porch, with the hammock, and near it, a shed/outbuilding, open on one side, where Rey can keep her tools and the projects she likes to fiddle with. He could be laying about, reading one of his billion and a half reports, and she could be there, several meters away, fixing or breaking or building or taking apart, whatever it is.)
Or maybe they'd have a full mechanical bay on the landing island. Between Poe and Chewie, and likely, eventually Jacen, and the idea of Maji flying… A mechanical bay would be a good thing.
That's a satisfying thought. Rey'd probably like a mechanical bay.
He feels decent about that for a moment, and then some niggly little voice that sounds a bit like Chewie (though it's speaking Galactic Standard and not Shariwook) says to him, "Would she want a bay, or if a bay were to happen, would she like it?"
Kylo glares at the universe at large, because that's not a question he's ever contemplated before, and he… is starting to feel cold… because… shit.
He said it Poe, Rey doesn't want… well, things, he was talking about sex, but… things, situations… She…
"Fuck!"
He knows what want is. He's more or less constantly wanting things, people, situations, all the bloody time. Rey likes things. But she almost never wants.
He looks at the place where this imaginary home could be, and he takes the time to quiet himself down, takes the time to feel the answer, not just project his own.
What does Rey want?
He hates the answers when they come to him. Rey doesn't want. She doesn't let herself want. Not really.
Because the things Rey wants are the things she can't have. She can't have her parents back. She can't have the family they refused to give her. She can't have the deeply rooted, stable, in one place in one time in one way home and life she wanted.
He looks at the imaginary home.
She can't have her place in Lirium. Reality is stealing that way.
Rey doesn't let herself want. She likes things. She has preferences. But whatever reality is, is something she'll make-do with.
She got herself sucked into the war, and she went along with it, made some friends, found some family, and made-do with what she had. But she didn't want to get into the fight. She didn't join the Resistance out of some need to fight the First Order. She didn't go after Luke because she wanted to learn to be a Jedi, between the Force just showing up one day, and the Resistance needing him, off on a mission she went, and she did it, made-do with what she had. But it's not like she spent any appreciable time desiring any of those things.
Hell, she didn't fucking choose him at first either. She just got dropped in his lap, and… Later, after… Now is a choice, but… Then… Then she was making the best she could out of a situation where an emotionally volatile manic kept showing up in her space trying to get her attention.
He winces at that. Kylo wanted. As soon as he saw her, and had the chance to quiet down enough of the other stuff going on in his head he wanted. It wasn't even sexual, at least not on any level he deals with sexual these days, it was just… pure need, like the way he wants water or oxygen. She was the… thing… (another wince, he doesn't like thinking of Rey as a thing, but back then…) he needed to survive, so he wanted and needed and… She made-do.
Chewie found and brought her stuff to make a home with. And she made-do with it. Cobbled it together, arranged it as best she could, but it's not like she was wanting a home like that, let alone on fucking Lirium. First bloody planet that looked reasonable, so she made-do with it.
This life, here and now, her off on Theed… "Fuck!" It's a situation, things that needed to be done, things he wants and she's… Going along. Making-do.
He's had two fucking years with this woman, two bloody years, where he's touched every centimeter of her skin, wrapped himself around her every night he could, lit up like a firecracker when she smiles at him, devoted (or so he thought) himself to making a world she'd like, but…
Well, that's it, isn't it? He has found things she likes. He's not a completely useless toad when it comes to husbanding.
Still… Two fucking years. Two fucking years, and he's just now noticing that Rey doesn't want stuff. She's never been in a situation where wanting, really, truly feeling it in her guts and bones, setting her desires on a thing and craving it, ever got her the thing.
He sits on the sand, and looks where there home could be, and sighs so hard it hurts. She's not moving on Lirium because she doesn't want to go. She didn't want to admit who he was, because she didn't want her family to think badly of her, or her situation to change. She didn't want to leave Jakku because… A lot of because there…
When Rey wants, she wants stability. She wants things to stay the same. She wants her one thing (or maybe a few things) and she wants them to be, with her, in this moment, and future moments, and she wants…
Foundations. Today, apparently, is a day for foundations.
He's sitting on the edge of the blanket, feet dug into the sand, shirt off, watching the moon rising up from the ocean when Rey blips into existence a few meters away.
She blinks, looks around, sees him, and smiles heading toward him. "A surprise, huh?"
He inclines his head a bit. The candles are lit, flickering around the blanket, and he'd taken some time to find some pretty stones and shells to put around them. (He'd gone looking for flowers, but if flowers grow on this island, they don't do it now. Pinky-coral, silvery-gray shells, on the other hand, were available in abundance.)
She's smiling, but she can feel he's not as… light… of heart if not temperament, as she'd expect for something like this, as she sits next to him, pulling off her shoes, and burrowing her feet in the sand next to his. "Is something wrong?"
"I… probably not. But maybe not right, either. Chewie and Jacen and the rest are a bit concerned—"
Her eyes narrow. He can feel she's less than perfectly thrilled by the idea that they'd have concerns and they'd go to him instead of straight to her, about them.
He shifts direction. "I was thinking about a lot of stuff today…"
Her brow raises. She's also got the image of Hux from this morning.
"We'll get to that, too. This one's more… important. You've always been very kind to me about my wants." (He'd been working on that line for a bit.)
"Sounds like you rehearsed that."
He shrugs. "Well, I did. But… Getting it right mattered. I want things. A lot of things. All sorts of things, and experiences, and places, and… well, people, and… Just a swirly dark pile of wants and needs and desires held together with some skin and attitude. And you've never told me they were bad or wrong or I shouldn't have them or I needed to do something about them or shut them down… You've always been kind about them. And, that matters to me. I love it. I've needed it. I'll probably always need that." He leans over a bit, and kisses her shoulder. "Talked with Chewie, and got thinking, and… I realized I don't know what you want."
She shoves his shoulder with hers. "You know what I want."
"I know what you like. And I know some things you want, but… I got thinking about it, and okay, yes, I know what you want, but I know what you want because you basically don't want anything. There are a few things, and I'm not completely unaware, so I've noticed them, but…" He gestures to the ocean and the islands and the sky above and sand below. "It's beautiful. We can have it. I think you might like it, but, do you want this?"
Rey lifts the corner of her lips, looking around at the moon lit island and sea. "Not really."
He nods. "Yeah." His arm curls around her. "You like it, I can feel that. You wouldn't mind being here. It's… pretty, and you'd make a home here if you had to, but you don't want it."
She nods. "Yeah."
He waits, leaving it open, hoping she'll… maybe develop some wants.
Wants are not forthcoming.
So, he tries a bit more. "You want to stay on Lirium… Or you don't, not really. It's more you don't want to leave, and you don't want to upend everything, and you don't want to have to re-do all of it, but it's not like you ever sat down and thought, 'I'd really love to live on a frozen bit of tundra in the middle of nowhere that's so bloody cold your skin will stick to anything you touch outside.'"
"That's never been on my list of desires."
He nods at that, too. He kisses her shoulder again. "So, speaking of wants. I want to be the kind of person who finds your wants, hunts them down, digs them out, if needs be, and gives them to you. Or at least gives you the sort of life where you can get them for yourself. I… It matters to me that that's part of what we do for each other. That it's not just you support my wants and needs, and make-do with whatever's left around that. It shouldn't just be that I've got all these drives, so you fit yourself in around them."
Her head is leaning against his shoulder. "Maybe that's where the balance point is."
He shrugs. "Maybe it is, but if it is, that's all the more reason for me to go all out if you ever do want something."
Again, he stops, waits, sees if any wants might be forthcoming.
And they can both feel it. There just… aren't. Not here, not now, and not about this. It's not an on-off toggle that can be flipped at a moment's notice.
"I told you I wanted just you and I," Rey says.
He nods, kisses her, and smiles. "And I'm going to do everything in my power to give you that, every day of our lives, unless, at some point, you change your mind about that." Stable, steady, one and one only, his lightling needs things like that, especially when they're hard to get in the real world, she certainly likes things like that, and maybe, possibly, she might want some, too. "But I can't change Lirium's orbit. I can't give you just being there."
"I know."
"I would if I could."
"I know that, too."
He pats the ground under them. "This could be home. If you'd like it…"
She shrugs a little. "It'd be… fine."
"They tell me that none of the islands feel right to you."
"They don't."
"But you haven't actually visited any of them besides here and" he points across the bay, "over there at Finn's island."
"Finn's island?"
"Tico Beach?" he says with a little smirk.
She grins a bit, liking that idea. "Sure."
"Would you like to visit them?"
She shakes her head. "Not really."
He's not surprised by that. "Uh… Did Lirium feel 'right?'"
She doesn't shrug, but he can feel the ghost of it. "It felt like a place I needed to be for a while."
"Do you need to be here?"
"I don't know. Maybe it's not a here or there or anywhere else thing."
"I've heard worse ideas. Get the right people, and the location doesn't matter that much."
"Could be."
"Probably need a location though. It'll be a lot easier to keep the people around if they've got some ground under their feet."
She looks at the sand bunched over her feet. "People like turf."
"Yeah." He squeezes her hand. "I… uh… What if this was our last home? If I could promise that? They'll have to pry us out of here with a tractor beam, and whatever remains we have, they'll stay here? This'll be home, for us, forever. Would you want that? Could you?"
He's holding her close, both of them looking out at the sea, and he lets today's images flow from his mind to hers, a wedding, a home, children, and he ends it with one he didn't see while he was thinking, but having said it, it's flaring bright and steady in his mind, it's them, on this beach, decades from now, bent, wrinkly, old. White of hair, somewhat blotchy of skin, saggy in the places humans get saggy as time goes by. He's gone thin, muscles wandered off, and she's gone plump, which means she's less wrinkly than he is. They're both tanner than they are now, years of sunshine will do that.
And this will be a place that has people. Lots of them. Children and grandchildren, and probably some great grandchildren. They'll be by and through, spending days and months here. Maybe for some of them it will be home, maybe it'll just be a resting place.
Though the day he's seeing right now is just them.
There will be a time, when the sun will go down on them, and in the morning it will rise again, but they won't. That this will be their ground, their home, from this day until that one.
There are tears in Rey's eyes as she says, "I can want that."
And he nods, also crying a bit, as he says, "And I can give it."